Kitabı oku: «Eat Me: Love, Sex and the Art of Eating», sayfa 3

ONE-NIGHT STANDS

The Fast Food of the Relationship Banquet

I’m always looking for meaningful one-night stands.

DUDLEY MOORE

Ah, yes, the one-night stand.

I’m sure we all have cherished memories of the dawn walk of shame: teetering along on our 5in spike-heel Manolo’s, double-shot latte in hand, wearing last night’s crumpled barfly outfit (comprising of teeny top and even teenier skirt), and with mascara streaked halfway down our faces. All in all the image of an unmade bed on stilts desperately trying to be invisible whilst actually sticking out like a sore thumb, attracting knowing looks from those more sensible souls heading for the gym or the office, as one really should be at this time of morning, making us feel rather akin to an alley cat coming home with the milk.

I have never understood what compels us to engage in the somewhat empty activity that is the one-night stand. It must be, by definition, fairly average or surely we would want to repeat it? (There are, of course, exceptions to this rule: those times when it was wonderful but circumstances prevailed, although these instances are few and far between.)

Don’t get me wrong, I as much as the next girl recognise the pull of that ‘eyes across a crowded room’ moment where two people are inexplicably drawn to each other and suddenly your knickers are on fire. Raw passion, bring it on.

I know lots of people whose entire sexual raison d’être is built around casual encounters with strangers. They regularly pick up random cute, fun strangers for a one-nighter, fully aware it’s not the start of anything; indeed, in most cases, the act of copulation signifies the end. Somewhat embarrassingly, should these two bon viveurs accidentally bump into each other sometime further down the line they either ignore each other totally, or mumble a quick hello and head for the nearest exit, despite having been as close as two people can be and having shared bodily fluids.

A one-night stand is rather like eating too much junk food: good at the time, but you feel like crap afterwards.

Leaping into bed with someone too soon can kill off a potential relationship quicker than anything I know. It tends to happen at the dead of night after two people who hardly know each other share one too many cocktails. Having done the deed, one of them has to take the walk of shame as they’ve ended up on the opposite side of town from where they live and they have to be up for work/an early meeting/their kids, etc. Next morning both parties are a little fuzzy about who they were with and what happened. To quote one particular friend, ‘if you can’t remember it, it doesn’t count.’

Whilst a part of me can see the argument for uncomplicated, no-strings sex I also think if you have a great first date, or even if you’ve just met someone in a bar and you like them enough to play hide the sausage, why not get to know them a little better first?

I have a couple of girlfriends (names withheld to protect the not-so-innocent) who, frankly, would love to be in a proper relationship. They are attractive, sexy, intelligent women with great jobs and are much sought after by the opposite sex. They are actively looking for something longer term, yet they scupper every possibility of a man asking them out by dragging him home the first time they meet (in some cases quite literally dragging), having a quick bonk and then getting upset when he doesn’t call or send flowers the next day. Whaddaya expect? Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

It’s my theory that all men are hunters; they enjoy the chase, it satisfies some primeval macho need within them. Equally, just as Mother Nature intended, women love being pursued. So why should we mess up this vitally important component of the courtship ritual?

Men enjoy the thrill of the chase. Conversely, women love being pursued and, come on ladies admit it, we all enjoy playing a little hard to get. So what is the point of this ‘sniff, sniff, you’re nice’ instant gratification?

One-night stands may well have their attraction, but when we are actively seeking ‘the one’ perhaps we should consider taking a little time to woo and be wooed?

I have been on more laps than a napkin.

MAE WEST

For those mornings when we crash through the front door at 6am feeling a little worse for wear due to lack of sleep, far too many cocktails and the ensuing walk of shame, here’s a little schedule that I promise will have you on your feet, at the office on time and back to your sparkling old self in the wink of an eye.

1 The very first thing that must be done once you’ve staggered through the door is to put the kettle on. Secondly, pour yourself a small glass of water, preferably at room temperature, and mix in 4 drops of milk thistle tincture and a good squeeze of lemon. Down it in one. (Funnily enough in much the same way you were downing tequila shots a few hours ago.)

2 Whilst waiting for the kettle to boil remove all clothing, including jewellery, and take a hot shower. Just before you finish, turn off the hot tap completely and blast your senses awake with 20 seconds of icy cold water. It may sound barbaric, but it works.

3 Before drying off, moisturise your entire body with baby oil (nothing makes your skin feel softer and it must be applied whilst you’re still wet), and then wrap yourself up in the biggest, fluffiest towel you possess.

4 The kettle will have boiled by now, so brew an exceptionally strong pot of coffee and rustle up two slices of toast topped with honey and mashed banana. Curl up in front of breakfast television until feelings of wellbeing return. (Caffeine, carbohydrates and potassium, found in bananas, are the holy trinity of hangover cures. Watching telly simply diverts your attention away from how crap you feel.)

5 When you feel human enough to get dressed, choose your outfit for the day carefully; make sure it’s something you feel good in, preferably tailored and razor-sharp. If at all possible avoid your usual route to work if it involves crowded buses or, worse, the tube; either walk or take a cab, stopping off on the way for a large fresh carrot and green apple juice. A little pampering and indulgence intensifies feelings of wellbeing which will in turn lessen both the hangover and any residual negative feelings resulting from the walk of shame.

Yes, I know, never again.

INFATUATION

Down the slippery slidey slope we goWhat will we find there?God only knows!

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered.

LORENZ HART

So, how are the two of you doing?

You’ve been on two or three dates and, frankly, it’s been a long time since you liked anyone this much and every time you think of him you get butterflies and, well, he’s just so wonderful.

Congratulations! You’re infatuated.

Doesn’t it feel amazing? You are seeing glimpses of the possibility, of the chance of something really special and it’s hard to stop smiling.

Welcome then to the start of the really good bit of The Beginning. You can forget all about holding back now, it’s time to take a leap of faith and go for it in every way. The brakes are off.

The sight of her face … together with the maddening fragrance of food evoked an emotion of wild tenderness and hunger in him that was unutterable.

THOMAS WOLFE

At this stage food is a major player in the game that is Lust and Seduction, despite the nausea that comes with infatuation and ensures that eating is the last thing on our minds. Our appetites wane, we have the attention span of dyslexic ducks and all we can think about is ‘Them’.

Within the hormonally-charged delirium of this as yet unfulfilled lust, food is a very powerful weapon to wield in order to communicate our desire. Can you think of anything more sensual than preparing and sharing a meal with a person you’ve got the hots for? Especially food that must be eaten à deux, preferably with fingers – all that licking and sucking is surely the culinary equivalent of pornography.

At The Beginning food is something to be nibbled on, picked at, grazed upon and fed to each other. It is provocative and sensual (thus fuelling the already highly-charged sexual tension between fledgling lovers), an instrument of nourishment not only for our bodies, but also subconsciously for feeding our ardour. The morsels upon which we feast are a suggestion of our passion.

You look puzzled. Let me explain.

There is a theory – admittedly it’s my theory – that suggests how and what we choose to eat are personal barometers for how we make love. A neat, picky, fastidious eater, strictly meat-and-two-overcooked-veg-with-no-herbs-or-seasoning type is unlikely to make love in quite the same way as a finger-licking gourmand with a weakness for exotic spices, caviar and anything with butter and garlic.

Alongside food, candlelight, little black dresses, giggling, flowers, double-cuffed shirts, high heels, taxis, lashings of mascara, cocktails, cigars, champagne, soft music, perfume, fine wines, holding hands, aftershave and post-dinner liqueurs are all part of new lovers’ repast.

THE SEDUCTION DINNERS

Food to Entice, Excite and Enrapture

To a man, offering him food is like offering him a breast.

ANON

The first time we invite that someone special to dinner it’s not really about dinner, more a preamble to something we are far more excited about, but The Dinner is our casting couch, our siren call, so we need to make sure it’s right. The menu should be simple and sensuous, light, but luxurious enough to be a little naughty and seductive.

Make sure the table looks good, nothing too formal; romantic, flirty and sexy is what we are looking for. Use flowers and candles in abundance. Lots of tea lights scattered around the room can be extremely effective. (Honey, everyone looks good by candlelight.) The use of pretty crockery, yards of cutlery, champagne, wine and water glasses, rose petals scattered on the tablecloth, finger bowls for sticky fingers, unusual breads with a dish of balsamic and olive oil for dipping and crisp white napkins all combine to create a feeling of luxury and pampering. Get dressed up; wear your sexiest dress and skyscraper heels. Perfect takes a tad longer, but it is worth the effort.

Serve the best champagne you can afford. Nothing, and I mean nothing, sets the tone for a romantic evening like a glass of fizz. Don’t be tempted to tamper with it, champagne cocktails are wonderful but lethal and you will both get too drunk, too fast. Hey, we have an agenda here!

The purpose of the Seduction Dinner is to create the basis of an evening that will impress the hell out of your chosen one whilst being relatively easy to shop for and that can be prepared in advance. This is crucial as it allows you all the time in the world to get yourself sexy … take a long bath with a glass of champagne and pamper yourself. You’re worth it.

I will not eat oysters; I want my food dead, Not sick, not wounded … dead.

WOODY ALLEN

Whilst I adore the indomitable Woody Allen, he is really missing the point here. Oysters are the ultimate aphrodisiac, the science bit of which revolves around the high levels of zinc they are said to contain. To be frank, the science bit bores me, all I know is that these little beauties are capable of conjuring up a feeling of luxury and seduction like no other food in the world. Plump, moist and tasting exactly like the sea, they sit nestled in their pretty little iridescent, mother-of-pearl shells, just waiting to be sucked and slurped – the very act of which is so highly erotically charged it is akin to foreplay. They are simply a must at any Seduction Dinner, and I know of nothing else that marries so well with ice-cold champagne.

Get yourself down to a good fishmonger and buy a dozen of the freshest and finest oysters they have. Buy them already shucked and on the half shell (any good fish-monger will be happy to do this for you) and run straight home, popping them in the fridge as soon as you get there. Serve these wondrous morsels on crushed ice, with a splash of Tabasco, as a preamble to dinner … Oysters and champagne scream seduction! In fact, as I write this I can’t help but feel a little envious, can I come to dinner too?

For the squeamish amongst you, and for those of you who, alas, agree with Mr Allen and simply cannot eat oysters, substitute with smoked salmon served on triangles of buttered brown bread, a squeeze of lemon and a sprinkling of paprika. For those non-fishy people, buy a small amount of good foie gras pâté and spread on thinly-sliced, lightly-toasted baguette and top with thin slivers of cornichons (baby gherkins to you and me).

Whatever you choose to serve as an amuse-bouche it should be a small, luxurious, taste explosion to complement the champagne and kick the evening off with a rather illustrious bang!

Seduction Menu 1

A Salad of Parma Ham with Frigs, Mascarpone and RocketLinguini with Lobster and ChampagneIced Raspberries with Hot White Chocolate Sauce

The Salad:

2 ripe figs; 4 slices Parma ham; 2 tbsp mascarpone cheese; a grating of fresh nutmeg; 2 large handfuls of rocket; sea salt and freshly ground black pepper. Balsamic vinegar and olive oil to dress.

An effortless and unbelievably gorgeous starter. Take 2 figs and cut a cross into them about three-quarters of the way down. Squeeze their bottoms gently to open them up and expose the inside. Wrap a slice of Parma ham around each fig, fill the inside with a spoon of mascarpone and top with a grating of nutmeg. Bake in a medium oven, 180°C (350°F) until the mascarpone is bubbling, about 5 minutes; serve on a bed of rocket which has been drizzled with balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Give the whole thing a good grind of black pepper and sea salt then tear up the remaining slices of ham into ribbons and scatter onto each plate. Serve with warm crusty bread.

The Linguini:

To serve someone lobster is to spoil them utterly. If they were in any doubt of your intentions, this dish should spell it out for them.

A 1 kg (2½lb) lobster; 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped; a small fresh red chilli, deseeded and finely sliced; 3 knobs unsalted butter; 2 tbsp olive oil; 400g (14oz) tin of plum tomatoes; a large glass of champagne; a small glass of water; 250g (9oz) linguini, cooked al dente; 1 handful flat leaf parsley, finely chopped; sea salt and freshly ground pepper.

If you have bought your lobster live, plunge it into boiling water for 15 minutes then remove. (If you have bought a cooked, ready-to-go lobster, you’re a wuss!) When cooled, crack and remove all the meat from the shell, making sure there are no splinters.

To make the sauce, fry the shells and legs in the olive oil and 2 knobs of butter over a medium heat with the garlic and chilli. Add the tomatoes, a large glass of champagne and a small glass of water, gently boil on a high heat to reduce the alcohol (for about 3 minutes), then simmer gently for 1 hour. Allow to cool. Pass the sauce through a fine sieve twice, checking for splinters. Place in a clean pan, add a final knob of butter and season to taste. Add the cooked pasta to the sauce and toss it until well covered. Add the lobster at the moment of serving, toss lightly keeping the lobster meat visible on top of the pasta and serve in warmed bowls with a sprinkling of parsley.

The Berries:

This really could not be easier, but it tastes like it took a great deal of effort. Prepare the sauce in advance so that all you have to do before serving is place the raspberries in individual glasses and reheat the sauce. Serve the Framboise frozen in shot glasses, it finishes off the dish to perfection and gives it quite a kick!

A pack of frozen raspberries (or fresh ones, frozen), about 150g (5oz) per person; 600g (1½lb) of good-quality white chocolate; 600ml (1 pint) double cream; 2 shots of Framboise (raspberry liqueur, optional).

Break up the chocolate and place with the cream in a bowl placed over a pan of simmering water for 20–30 minutes, stirring every so often until the chocolate has melted and the sauce is hot. (If prepared in advance, reheat the sauce in the same way). Five minutes before serving, place the berries in your prettiest dessert glasses or on dessert plates and leave at room temperature for 5 minutes. Cover the berries generously with the sauce and serve immediately with the shots of Framboise on the side.

Seduction Menu 2

Prawns with Garlic, Butter and Lemon

Roasted Swordfish on a Tomato, Pepper and Red Onion Salsa

Dark Chocolate Desire

The Prawns:

8–10 raw tiger prawns per person, depending on the size of the prawns (and your wallet); 2 tbsp butter; 1 tbsp olive oil; 2 cloves of finely chopped garlic; the juice of a lemon; a further large knob of butter; a handful of finely chopped parsley; sea salt and freshly ground pepper.

When cooking the prawns do so with the heads on or, if you wish, remove the heads and butterfly them by cutting through the back of the shell to remove the black vein and opening them flat. Do not remove all of the shell as it adds to the flavour of the sauce and anyway, what could be sexier than peeling a prawn for your lover?

Gently warm the butter, oil and the garlic in a frying pan large enough to hold all the prawns and nice enough to be put on the table. When the butter is foaming, toss the prawns in, turning them as they go pink and cook for about 3 minutes (slightly less if butterflied), then add the lemon juice and the rest of the butter. Allow the sauce to come back to a sizzle, adjust the seasoning and sprinkle with chopped parsley.

The prawns in all their hot, sticky gorgeousness should be whisked off the hob to the table whilst still spitting and sizzling and should be served in the very pan in which they were cooked. Eat them with your fingers and serve with some crusty bread to mop up those garlicky buttery juices.

The Swordfish:

A light and healthy dish with big flavours to excite the most jaded of palates.

2 swordfish steaks about 200g (7oz) each, about 1cm thick; olive oil.

The Salsa:

6 really ripe plum tomatoes, deseeded and finely chopped; 1 red pepper, deseeded and finely chopped; 2 medium red chillies, finely sliced; 1 tbsp of capers, chopped; a small red onion, finely chopped; a clove of garlic, finely chopped; a handful of parsley, finely chopped; a handful of fresh basil leaves, finely chopped; 2 anchovy fillets, chopped; 6 tbsp of good olive oil; 3 tbsp of lemon juice combined with 2 tbsp of runny honey; sea salt and freshly ground black pepper.

Combine all the salsa ingredients in a bowl, season with salt and pepper, cover with a cloth and leave for at least 2 hours at room temperature for the flavours to infuse.

Preheat a grill pan or heavy-bottomed frying pan until very hot, rub each of the swordfish steaks with olive oil, season with salt and pepper on both sides and place in the pan. Cook on a very high heat for two to three minutes on each side so the fish is a little charred, take care not to burn it.

To serve, place a couple of large spoonfuls of salsa on a plate and top with the swordfish. Serve with a mixed green salad dressed with the juices of the pan, a little olive oil and a squeeze of lemon juice and some good crusty bread.

Dark Chocolate Desire:

Time for something sweet. A bitter chocolate dessert – rich, silky and positively illicit. A little of this goes a long way, so serve in tiny espresso cups.

285ml (10oz) single cream; 200g (7oz) bitter dark chocolate (70 per cent cocoa solids); 2 egg yolks, beaten; 3 tbsp brandy; 20g (1oz) butter, 2 Amaretto biscotti.

Heat the cream in a saucepan until nearly boiling. Set aside for a minute or two. Break up the chocolate into small pieces and combine with the cream, stir until melted. Beat in the egg yolks and brandy and stir until mixture is creamy. Allow to cool a little then add the butter and mix until smooth. Pour into the espresso cups and place in the fridge to set. (Should the mixture separate when you add the butter, allow the mixture to cool a little more then whisk in a little cold milk until you have a smooth consistency.) Just before serving, grind the Amaretti biscuits into a dust and sprinkle over the top of the cups, allowing the residue to fall on the saucers.

Seduction Menu 3

Frisée with a Warm Pancetta, Balsamic and Honey Dressing

Chargrilled Rump Steak with Béarnaise Sauce and Pommes Frites

Caffé Affogato

I have known grown men to swoon over this particular menu. It sounds easy, but done well nothing can touch it. As a woman cooking for man I can highly recommend the results you will achieve by putting on your pinny and serving him some good, old-fashioned red meat. To keep the menu balanced the starter and dessert are very light: after all, we need him to stay awake. A good South Australian Shiraz goes really well with this.

The Salad:

2 large handfuls crisp frisée lettuce; 8 slices pancetta or 6 slices dry-cured, smoked streaky bacon; 6 small shallots, peeled and quartered; 3 tbsp pine nuts; 6 tbsp olive oil; 3 tbsp balsamic vinegar mixed with 2 tbsp runny honey; sea salt and freshly ground black pepper.

Fry the pancetta or bacon in a hot frying pan until crisp, remove and set aside. Add the olive oil, shallots and pine nuts to the pan and cook until the onions are soft and sweet (about 10 minutes over a lowish flame), keep the contents of the pan moving. Return the bacon or pancetta to the pan and toss everything around, turn off the heat. Place the frisee in a big salad bowl and add the contents of the pan and the balsamic-honey mixture. Season with salt and pepper and toss the salad until all the components are distributed evenly and serve immediately with some warm crusty bread or garlic bread to mop up the dressing.

The Béarnaise Sauce:

1 small shallot, peeled and finely chopped; 3 tbsp white wine or tarragon vinegar; 6 black whole peppercorns; 3 sprigs of tarragon, roughly chopped including stalks; 2 egg yolks whisked with 1 tsp Dijon mustard; 150g (5oz) softened butter cut into ½in cubes.

Put the chopped shallot into a small saucepan with the vinegar, peppercorns and tarragon. Bring to the boil and reduce it to a tablespoon or so of liquor (don’t move from the stove as this does not take very long), pass this liquor through a sieve or tea strainer to get rid of the bits and bobs and put to one side. Put the egg yolks and the mustard into a glass bowl and place over a saucepan of gently simmering water, the bowl should fit snugly on the top of the pan. Whisk the vinegar reduction into the egg yolks, keeping the water under them simmering, then slowly start to add the cubes of butter one at a time, whisking constantly until the sauce is thick and velvety. Turn off the heat halfway through adding the butter, as the sauce must not get too hot. (Should disaster strike and the sauce separates, remove the bowl from the heat, add a spoonful of boiling water from the pan and whisk it like a mad thing. It should right itself.) Once the heat is off, add a little salt if necessary. To keep warm, leave it in the bowl over the pan of water (no flame) covered with a cloth and whisk occasionally.

The Pommes Frites:

Ok, here’s the bit where you cheat. I buy my pomme frites very thin and frozen because I hate, detest and abhor the smell of deep-fat frying, I think it’s the least romantic smell in the whole wide world ever. So, I oven-cook them on an oiled baking tray with a severe grinding of sea salt in a fairly hot oven. He will never ever know, especially if you undo a button on your oh-so-sexy top whilst serving them.