Kitabı oku: «200 Harley Street», sayfa 19

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

THE BIRDS WERE even earlier than usual, their singing causing thumps around her brain. She put her head under the pillow. But after a few minutes it hadn’t helped.

Last night she’d cried herself to sleep after drinking two glasses of wine. She was bundled up in the fleeciest pyjamas she owned. March was still cold in London. She couldn’t bear to wear one of the satin nightdresses she’d been wearing when she’d shared her bed with Iain. Even though they’d offered no warmth at all, she hadn’t needed it. She’d had Iain to cuddle up to.

Her stomach turned over. Iain. The look in his eyes last night. At one point she’d thought if she’d touched him, her big, burly, handsome Scotsman might crumble.

Her heart ached for him. Now it was all out there. Now she knew everything. And it was all her fault.

Why had she pushed him? What had it achieved?

She’d pushed him for information she could have lived without knowing. He blamed himself. He’d spent the last few years blaming himself.

What must that feel like? What must it feel like to wake up every day feeling responsible for the deaths of your wife and children? No wonder he’d never managed to have another relationship. No wonder he’d told her he couldn’t sleep at night.

Her stomach twisted again. There it was. His scent on her pillows. She was never going to be close enough to him to smell that again. She was never going to hold his hand. Feel his lips on hers. Feel his hands on her body.

She thumped her fist into the pillow. How could she work with him every day after all this? Some days he spent at Kate’s. But at some point every day he would be in the clinic. In her work space. Just waiting for an unsuspecting moment when they would run into one another.

Maybe she should find another job? She clenched her eyes tightly shut. She loved her job. More than loved it. It was one of the things she was most proud of. Her nomination for the award had just been the icing on the cake. Did she really want to leave the job she loved? Or could she really face having to see Iain on a daily basis? From what she knew of him, it would hurt him just as much as it hurt her.

She wrapped her hands around her stomach. Maybe this wasn’t emotional pain, maybe this was real pain. It certainly felt that way.

The alarm sounded next to her head and she flung her pillow at it as she swung her legs out of bed. Normally she jumped out of the bed in the morning, anxious to get to work. This definitely wasn’t going to be one of those days.

The sight that greeted her in the mirror wasn’t a good one. Her skin was so pale it was almost translucent, the dark circles under her eyes made her look ten years older. Smudges all over her face revealed that the last thing she’d been thinking about last night had been removing her make-up. Her hair was a tangled mess. She picked up a lock and dropped it again. She didn’t have a single hair product that could remedy this.

She switched on the shower. She wanted to wash everything away. All the questions she’d asked. All the things she’d been told. Every look of hurt and pain on Iain’s face.

He hadn’t even said goodbye last night. She’d just watched him walk back along the street with his head down.

She stepped into the shower. ‘Owwww!’ It was scalding. She stood in the corner of the cubicle and braved her hand underneath the flow to turn the dial. A few seconds later she stepped under the torrent of water, turning her face up to meet its blast.

Wash it all away. Wash it all away.

Seven gallons of conditioner and a tube of facial scrub later she stepped out. She pulled a sombre black suit from her cupboard, looked at it for a few minutes then flung it aside.

She reached in again, this time finding a form-fitting emerald-green dress. It was power dressing. And the last thing she felt like doing today.

She looked in the mirror again as she sat down to dry her hair. Her make-up lay across the dressing-table. She lifted her chin and looked again, determination flooding through her.

If this was the end and if she was going out, she was going out fighting.

This will be a good day. She kept repeating the words in her head like a mantra as she walked along the street. It stopped her from bursting into tears. She was going to have to get used to this. There was no getting away from it, she was going to have to see Iain every day at work whether it broke her heart or not.

The first time was always the hardest. And she was absolutely determined no one would see her cry. She was a professional.

She did her best to sweep though the reception area of the clinic as quickly as possible. ‘Hi, Lexi,’ Mel, one of the receptionists on duty, called. ‘I’m so sorry about last night.’

Her stiletto heels stopped abruptly. She spun round, trying to stop her mouth from gaping open. ‘What?’

Mel stood up and walked over towards her, a quizzical expression on her face. ‘The awards, of course. We all thought you should have won.’

The panic subsided. She could breathe again. Just as well really, because a few other staff had emerged and were all looking at her.

She pasted a smile on her face. ‘Oh, thanks for that. I was just happy to be there.’

Fiona, another receptionist, stood up from behind the desk and picked up a tabloid newspaper. ‘You made the headlines.’

Lexi felt her blood run cold. She moved over to the desk and looked at the front page. ‘Iain McKenzie’s secret love—Lexi Robbins’. She let out a strangled gasp. ‘What?’

Both receptionists laughed. ‘It’s a great picture, isn’t it?’ Mel gave her a sideways glance. ‘You do look like a couple, by the way. And how on earth did you get our Scotsman into a kilt? He looks good enough to eat.’

‘He phoned in this morning,’ said Fiona. ‘Something’s came up. Asked me to cancel his appointments this morning. He’s going to be stuck at the Lighthouse Hospital all day.’

Her mouth dried instantly. She couldn’t speak as her eyes scanned the article. ‘Can I keep this?’ she asked, trying not to crumple the paper beneath her grasp.

‘Sure, I’ll buy another one.’

‘Thanks.’ Her feet flew down the corridor until she reached her office and slammed the door behind her. No! This was the last thing she wanted.

In a way she felt a sense of relief. Iain wouldn’t be here today. She wouldn’t need to see him. She wouldn’t need to face him. Maybe he hadn’t even seen the paper—after all, she hadn’t until she’d come to work this morning.

She sat behind her desk. The first thing that caught her attention was the picture.

It was in full colour, showing off Lexi’s dress and Iain’s kilt in all their glory. But the thing that had obviously captured the photographer’s interest was the look that was passing between them. It was there for the whole world to see.

They were both smiling, looking straight into each other’s eyes. Neither of them was looking at the camera. Iain’s hand was wrapped around her waist and with his other he was holding her hand—right in front of her stomach.

And with a look like that between them …

She put her head on the desk and groaned. This would be a disaster. She started to read.

Internet sensation Dr Iain McKenzie attended the Dakota Jefferson Awards last night with Lexi Robbins, daughter of supermodel Penelope Crosby and chat show host Steve Robbins. Speculation was rising last night regarding their relationship.

It was apparent they only had eyes for each other as they spent most of the evening together and sneaked off early after the awards. Lexi was dressed in an as yet unidentified stylish designer dress, with Iain in a black and white kilt, revealing more of his now famous physique.

Lexi and Iain work together at the Hunter Clinic in Harley Street and she was nominated for one of the PR awards. But maybe this is her biggest PR coup of all?

Lexi launched the commercial featuring Iain McKenzie just a few days ago and it currently has over nineteen million views on the internet. Not much is known about Iain McKenzie, a thirty-five-year-old reconstructive plastic surgeon from Edinburgh. He was widowed following the death of his wife Bonnie three years ago.

Maybe Lexi Robbins has caught the biggest catch of all?

Could this really be any worse? Wait until Iain saw it, it made her sound as if she’d deliberately set out to catch him—all for the sake of publicity. Too bad her heart only functioned around Iain and not her brain. She couldn’t have planned this if she’d tried.

The corners of her mouth turned up as she noticed a little picture down in the bottom corner of the piece. The one with her mother, her father and herself. Penelope would go ballistic. Of all the people in the world she’d expect to push her off the front page, Lexi would never be one. For the first time that day a tiny little surge of pleasure crept through her. It was childish, and she’d never say the words out loud, but just imagining the look on her mother’s face this morning would be pleasure enough. It would make up for almost being completely ignored last night.

The moment passed. And the feeling of dread returned.

What would this mean for Iain? She was cringing just thinking about it. She knew exactly how invasive the media could be. It was a miracle that they’d never found out about her hysterectomy. What if they dug into Iain’s background and found out about the death of his children? That would be awful.

There was a knock on the door, followed by some muffled sounds as someone struggled with the handle. Then a burst of rainbow colours entered the room.

It was the biggest display of flowers Lexi had ever seen. Absolutely beautiful. Red, pink, yellow and orange roses, carnations and tulips, white freesias, purple and white irises and masses of greenery. In between it all were silver strands, just like the sequins on her dress last night. It was like a veritable explosion of colour.

Carrie struggled to get them through the door and slid them across the desk towards Lexi, who was already on her feet. Her heart was thudding in her chest. She worked in PR and had seen massive bouquets before, but nothing like this.

‘Wow, Lexi, aren’t they gorgeous?’ She handed over a card in a silver envelope. ‘Hopefully this will make you feel a bit better.’

‘What do you mean?’ She stood with the card in her hand. Who would have sent her something like this? Her heart started thudding against her chest wall. It couldn’t be—could it? Would Iain really make a gesture this big? No one at the clinic was supposed to know they were seeing each other. As far as everyone at work was concerned, Iain had gone along to the award ceremony because he’d nominated her. Nothing else. Until that picture in the newspaper this morning.

‘I never got a chance to talk to you this morning, but you looked kinda sad. Are you upset about not winning last night?’

Lexi was startled by Carrie’s question. Not winning was the last thing on her mind this morning. She hadn’t even given it a second thought.

She shook her head firmly. ‘No, not at all.’

‘Then what is it?’ Carrie walked around the desk and touched the tabloid at the corner of it. ‘Is it this?’

She pointed to the photo of Iain and Lexi, holding hands and looking at each other as if no one else in the world existed.

It was automatic. The welling of tears in her eyes. She pulled the silver envelope apart and took out the card.

Next time it will be yours!

Love from Leo and your colleagues at the Hunter Clinic.

We’re so proud you’re part of our team. x

Iain. It wasn’t from Iain. This wasn’t some fairy story with a happy ending. A few tears escaped and slid down her cheeks.

Carrie walked behind her, reading the card over her shoulder. ‘Oh, that’s so nice, isn’t it? Lexi? Don’t be upset.’

She wrapped her arms around her friend and gave her a hug. There it was. The first tiny sign of life. The smallest little bump in her friend’s abdomen.

She made a dive for the tissues on her desk to wipe her face and nose.

‘I’m fine, Carrie. Really I am. It’s just a lovely gesture.’ She straightened up and touched the petal of one of the pink roses. ‘And the flowers smell gorgeous.’

Carrie nodded. From the expression on her face it was clear that she knew something else was wrong but she was wise enough not to pry any further.

She pointed towards the office door. ‘I’ve just made some coffee. I’ll bring you some and then I’ll shut the door, shall I? Give you some privacy to get on with your work.’ The phones were ringing loudly outside. ‘We’ve got about a hundred messages for you this morning, and just as many for Iain. Why don’t I filter them and leave you both the ones that are appropriate?’ She gave a little smile. ‘I’m assuming that you two don’t want to advertise baked beans on TV?’

Lexi let out a laugh. ‘Really?’

Carrie nodded. ‘Oh, yes. Some of the messages will make your hair curl!’ She counted off on her fingers. ‘Dating companies, condom adverts, bra adverts, and a few very slimy offers of dates.’

Lexi let a shiver go down her spine. ‘Oh, no, thanks. Yes, Carrie, filter away. I’d be very grateful.’

A few minutes later a strong coffee appeared on her desk followed by the sound of her door closing quietly. Carrie really was a good friend.

She scrolled through her emails, deleting many as she went along. Interview request after interview request. Some from very dubious sources. A few from journalists about her charity work. She swithered. Did they really want to know about the charity work or were they just looking at a way to get access to her private life and Iain? She knew exactly how some journalists worked.

She flagged a few and decided to talk to Leo about them. After all, this was his clinic and although she was Head of PR, they needed to agree their plans.

The next few emails made her eyes boggle. Men. Inviting her on dates. And that was just the polite ones. The others were enough to turn her lukewarm curls into tight spirals.

After that there was a whole host of congratulatory emails and a few invites to give lectures to university students on PR. One was from her own university and she replied instantly. Finally, she flagged the ones that were real work. There were a number of issues with the charities that would have to be dealt with promptly, so she put her head down and gave them her immediate attention.

A knock at the door startled her. She gave a sigh. It would probably be another member of staff coming to offer sympathy. It wasn’t that she wasn’t grateful, but they’d been popping in all morning and she still had a ton of work to get done.

She held her breath. Maybe if she didn’t answer they would think she wasn’t in. It wasn’t exactly perfect behaviour, but it would get her work done more quickly.

The knock sounded again. Mr or Mrs Persistence was not going to be put off. The door opened and she tried to duck behind the flowers. She really didn’t want to talk to anyone right now.

‘Lexi?’

Her head shot back around the mountain of flowers. ‘Iain?’ Her reaction was automatic, she stood up. She wanted to cringe. He must have seen the papers. He was probably in here to complain.

It was all she could do not to drink in the sight of him. He wasn’t supposed to be here all day, so she wasn’t prepared. She hadn’t gone over in her head what she would say to him about last night. How to apologise for pushing him for an answer he obviously wasn’t ready to give.

Her eyes narrowed. ‘Iain? Why have you got scrubs on?’

He stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. ‘Because I didn’t have time to get changed.’

She drew in a deep breath. Iain, in navy blue scrubs revealing tanned, muscled arms and the thin material brushing against his big thighs. His hair looked as if he had just released it from a theatre cap and run his fingers through it. There was a dark shadow along his chin and a few dark shadows around his eyes. He’d obviously slept as little as she had.

‘Why didn’t you have time to get changed?’ she asked, trying not to wonder if this question was a smoking gun. Did he want her fired over all the publicity—all the assumptions the press had made?

He walked towards her. She couldn’t read his face at all. All she could see was fatigue. But there was something else. Something she didn’t expect at all.

There was sparkle in his eyes.

‘I’ve been at the Lighthouse since six a.m. Emergency surgery on a child in a road accident. The NHS surgeons needed a hand as things were more complicated than they expected and their own plastic surgeon was at the burns unit with another child.’

She nodded. It might be slightly unusual but because of the reciprocal relationship between the clinic and the two hospitals, on rare occasions they were asked to help out.

‘So what’s the big rush that you couldn’t get changed?’ She walked around the desk, her steps hesitant as she made her way towards him. ‘Iain, is this about the newspapers? I’m so sorry about that. I’ve prepared a press release.’ She lifted a piece of paper from her desk. ‘I was just going to double-check with Leo before I put it out. Have you been harassed this morning?’

His brow wrinkled and he sat down in the chair opposite her with a sigh. ‘Lexi, what are you talking about?’

She nodded at the tabloid on her desk.

He picked it up and started to read. Then something unexpected happened. Iain McKenzie flung back his head and laughed. The loudest laugh she’d ever heard from him.

‘I bet your mother loved this,’ he said, waving the paper at her.

Her heart jumped. He wasn’t angry. He wasn’t angry at all. Maybe he wasn’t here to tear a strip off her after all.

She sat down in the chair next to him. ‘Funnily enough, I haven’t heard from her this morning.’

He raised his eyebrows. ‘Now, there’s a surprise.’

Her stomach was churning. Iain reached over and grabbed her lukewarm coffee, finishing it in one gulp.

She closed her eyes. He was too close. And she had no idea what was happening right now. ‘I’m sorry, Iain.’

‘You’re sorry? Sorry about what?’

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’ She indicated the paper. ‘I’m sorry about that. I’m sorry about filming the advert and getting you so much unwanted attention.’ She took another breath. ‘And most of all I’m sorry about pushing you to tell me something you weren’t ready to.’

Iain sat silent for a few minutes. ‘I knew it, you’re officially crazy.’

‘What?’ She couldn’t believe it. What on earth was going on?

He stood up and pointed at the flowers. ‘Tell me one thing. Should I be worried? Is someone else about to steal you away?’

She couldn’t answer. She was flabbergasted. He walked around the monster bouquet and knelt in front of her.

He stared up at her with his big brown eyes. ‘Because I want you to know, Lexi Robbins, I’ll fight to the death for you,’ he whispered.

This time her breath caught in her throat. ‘They’re from Leo,’ she said hoarsely, ‘and the rest of the staff at the clinic.’

‘You don’t know how glad I am to hear that. Lexi, honey, you have nothing to be sorry for. Not a single thing.’ He reached out and took her hand.

‘Wh-what do you mean?’ Her voice was trembling. Her hands were trembling too.

Iain looked different this morning. And that didn’t include the scrubs. He looked as if the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. There wasn’t a brooding black cloud hanging over him. There was sadness in his eyes, but it was different. It was focused entirely on her. Not on someone else.

His hand closed firmly around hers. ‘I mean that I’m the one who should be sorry. And I’m the one who should be thanking you.’

She shook her head. ‘I don’t get it. What’s happened?’

‘I don’t get it either. But I know who got me here.’ He stood up, pulling her into his arms.

‘From the first second I met you, no, from the first second I smelled you, you started to wake me up. You started to make me feel again.’

She didn’t know what to say. This was so unexpected. And she was scared. He was touching her, holding her. But after last night she couldn’t believe it was true.

‘Iain, what’s going on here?’

He lifted his hand and ran a gentle finger down her cheek. ‘It’s you, Lexi Robbins. This is all about you.’

Her hand reached up and covered his. She was still trembling, she couldn’t help it. Had she fallen asleep at her desk? Was she in the middle of a dream? This really couldn’t be happening.

Iain’s warm breath was on her skin. She could smell his scent with every breath she took. ‘Lexi, you’re the bravest woman I’ve ever met. Even with the parents you have—and the bad experience of Jack Parker—you have never given up on love. Last night, when you weren’t afraid to tell me you wanted more. You deserve more. I realised exactly what I could lose if I couldn’t stop being afraid.’

She shook her head. ‘You’re not afraid of things, Iain. You’re just not ready.’

He smiled. ‘I thought I wasn’t ready. But my body …’ he pointed at his chest ‘… and heart were telling me something different.’ He ran his fingers down her arms and put his hands back at her waist. ‘Last night helped me gain some perspective. I finally said the words out loud. I’ve waited a long time for that.’

She couldn’t help it. No matter how confused she was feeling right now, she couldn’t stay away. She wound her arms around his neck and held him close. Their breathing unified. Up and down at the same time. They stayed like that for a few minutes.

If only time could just stop here. If only she could stay in this moment for ever. This could be perfect.

But it wasn’t. It couldn’t be.

Iain was having an epiphany in his life. He had hopes and dreams. And she was about to dash some of them because she’d been so focused on him telling her the truth that she hadn’t done it herself.

She pulled back a little and touched his cheek just below his dark eyes. This was where she wanted to stay. This was who she wanted to stay with. He was smiling at her now. Capturing her heart the way he’d captured the heart of all the women watching the advertisement. Iain could do that to you, with just one look.

‘I’m so glad you finally said those words,’ she whispered. ‘You would have been a wonderful father.’ Would he hear the sadness in her tone? Would he understand when she told him she didn’t want to steal that opportunity from him?

But Iain looked happy, his skin was brighter and his eyes positively shining. His voice lowered, taking on a quiet tone. ‘Bonnie loved me, Lexi. I can say that with pride. And I loved her. We both wanted that family together.’

This was it. This was where everything she wanted fell apart.

‘She wouldn’t have wanted this for me. She would have wanted me to move on.’ His eyes lowered to meet hers. ‘She would have wanted me to be happy. Happy with you.’

She took a step back, out of his embrace. Her head was starting to swim. She’d never been the type to go weak at the knees, but right now she felt as if she was about to take a swan dive. She thumped down into the chair behind her.

‘Don’t, Iain. Don’t do this.’ She closed her eyes tightly.

‘What’s wrong? What do you mean?’ He knelt down in front of her again. His face still had that exuberant look about it. He was still caught up in the moment. Thinking that they could both have their happy-ever-after. ‘Do you know what I dreamed about last night, Lexi?’

He didn’t give her a chance to answer.

‘You. I dreamed about you. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last. But now I can go to sleep knowing that I won’t be haunted by nightmares. Now I know that when I close my eyes it’s going to be good memories and a happy future.’

She bit her lip. She had to stop him. She had to stop him now. Before he said that those dreams were filled with their children dancing beside them.

She lifted her hand. ‘Stop, Iain. Just stop.’

He pulled back a little. ‘What’s wrong?’

Tears started to flow down her cheeks. ‘I don’t want you to tell me the next part. I’m not the woman for you. We’re not going to sail off into the sunset with a family around us.’

‘Lexi? Lexi, what’s wrong?’ He leaned forward and put his hands on her shoulders. ‘Why are you crying? What is it?’

She lifted one of his hands off her shoulder and pressed it to her stomach, her hand over his. ‘I can’t give you your dream, Iain. I can’t give you the family that you want.’