Kitabı oku: «Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity», sayfa 2

Eventually, just as Princess Snowflake had made up her mind that enough was enough and she was about to tell him off for laughing so much and wasting paper, the Gypsy King turned, his cloak sweeping out behind him – and in a flash he had vanished, just as if he had never been there at all.

Poor Princess Snowflake. She was so distraught that as soon as she got back to the Winter Palace, she took to her icy bed and lay there with her face buried in the pillow, and none of the kindly old witches could rouse her. All that evening they knocked upon her chamber door, singing:

Let us in, let us in

Princess, dearie, let us in

For tho’ this life is full of sin

And trouble,

Princess, dearie, let us in

But Princess Snowflake cried, ‘Leave me to my sorrows! Begone from my chamber door!’

That night she dreamed a terrible dream. The Gypsy King was standing on a black rock amidst a great lake of fire, untroubled by the flames that licked at his boots and laughing with pure scorn. All about fell thousands and thousands of glass snowflakes, and in each one Princess Snowflake saw Gooseberry’s unhappy face. But when she tried to catch one of the snowflakes it slipped through her fingers like sand.

‘HA HA AHA HAHAHHAHA!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You will never get your little dog back, unless you know the thing that I am most afraid of in the world!’

The next evening, the kindly old witches came again to Princess Snowflake’s door, singing:

Let us in, let us in

Princess, darling, let us in

For we are here to help in times

Of trouble

Princess, darling, let us in

But again Princess Snowflake cried, ‘Begone from my chamber door! Leave me to my miseries!’

Once more she fell into a troubled sleep, and once more she dreamed of the Gypsy King, standing on his black rock amidst the lake of fire. And once more he laughed and said, ‘You will never know the thing I am most afraid of in the world! Someone like you could never know that!’

On the third evening the witches came again to Princess Snowflake’s door, singing:

Let us in, let us in

Princess, sweetheart, let us in

For when the going’s hard

And full of trouble –

But this time Princess Snowflake flung the door open wide and she fell to her knees sobbing and begging for forgiveness.

‘I told you she’d open the door on the third night,’ whispered one of the witches at the back. ‘Things always happen in threes in fairy tales. That’s a fiver you owe me, Liz.’

‘So you do have need of our help after all?’ asked the leader of the kindly old witches, who was called Cobwep, because her parents hadn’t known how to spell ‘Cobweb’.

‘Yes, yes!’ sobbed Princess Snowflake. ‘I have been an impossible child! But I can bear it no longer! Please help me, though I hardly deserve it!’

‘It is well spoken,’ said Cobwep. ‘Sleep now, Princess Snowflake, and we shall return tomorrow evening.’

Gently, Cobwep tucked the child into bed and kissed her goodnight. Princess Snowflake fell asleep with a smile on her face and this time, when she saw the Gypsy King in her dream, he shrank back and cried, ‘What! You have protected yourself with the thing I am most afraid of in the world! I hate you, you’re stupid!’ And he disappeared beneath the flames.

When the witches came back the next evening, they didn’t even have to bother coming up with another verse, for the chamber door was open to receive them.

‘We have returned to help you, as we said we would,’ said Cobwep.

‘Thank you, Grandmother,’ said Princess Snowflake. (It didn’t mean that Cobwep was actually her real grandmother, it is just what children always call old women in fairy tales, no one knows why.) ‘Can you ever forgive me for being so awful?’

‘Of course, child,’ said Cobwep. ‘For we only want to see you happy.’

‘Then will you . . . Will you help me get Gooseberry back?’ asked Princess Snowflake. ‘I am so lonely without him.’

‘We shall do what we can,’ said Cobwep. ‘But getting him back will not be easy. You must travel to the Realm of the Gypsy King, and you must travel alone. Are you ready to make the journey?’

‘I am,’ replied Princess Snowflake.

‘Then I shall tell you the way,’ said Cobwep, her face wavering in the candlelight like an old flannel. ‘You must go into the gardens at midnight, child, when the moon is fat and full.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And you must stick your tongue out, and you must eat the first snowflake that lands on your tongue,’ said Cobwep.

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a second time, and you must eat the next snowflake that lands on your tongue.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must stick your tongue out a third time, and you must eat one last snowflake.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake.

‘And then,’ said Cobwep, ‘you must go up to the fir tree, child, the one that stands in the very middle of the gardens, where all the paths meet. And you must eat it.’

‘OK,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘that’s – no, sorry, actually, hold on a minute. What do you mean?’

‘Just what I say,’ said Cobwep. ‘You go up to the fir tree, you open your mouth and you eat it.’

‘Let me get this straight,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘You want me to eat a fir tree?’

‘Yes,’ said all the witches together.

‘An entire fir tree?’

‘Yes,’ said the witches.

‘Can you do a spell to make it easier, Grandmother?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘I mean, I actually know the tree you’re talking about, it’s – there’s no way, I mean – it’s . . . Look, I’m not trying to be ungrateful but – it’s, really, it’s just – honestly, there’s just no way.’

‘Sorry, you’ll have to manage on your own,’ said Cobwep. ‘Anyway, we’ve got to go now, there’s another princess in trouble in Russia. She’s had her face stolen by ghosts.’

‘What, are you going to make her eat a fir tree too?’ shouted Princess Snowflake. ‘I can’t believe this is happening, seriously, what on earth are you all thinking.’

‘Bye bye, dearie,’ said the witches as they left to catch their aeroplane, which was an enormous broomstick driven by a cat. ‘You know what to do, good luck.’

Princess Snowflake lay awake until it was midnight. Then, hardly daring to think about the task ahead, out she crept in her nightgown, into the moonlit gardens of the Winter Palace. The night was deathly quiet and the snow was falling soft and thick.

Princess Snowflake stuck out her tongue and swallowed the first snowflake that landed upon it.

Then she swallowed the second snowflake.

Then she swallowed the third snowflake.

Then she went up to the fir tree which stood in the middle of the gardens where all the paths met, and she started eating it.

‘This is a complete nightmare,’ sobbed Princess Snowflake as she sat there chewing on a mouthful of bark. ‘It’s going to take forever .’

But each time she wanted to give up, she thought of Gooseberry’s innocent little face and she remembered how much the witches loved her and she told herself, ‘One more bite, just one more bite.’ So the hours passed, though every minute felt like a lifetime.

One more bite, just one more bite . . . And as the night turned to morning and the sun was rising over the gardens, Princess Snowflake realised that the entire fir tree was gone. So it just goes to show: you can do anything if only you believe in yourself. You can win the Olympics. You can become a professor. You can even eat a fir tree. You probably shouldn’t eat a fir tree unless you’re a princess in a fairy tale. Or a monster. Or a really big woodpecker. But you can if you like. But you shouldn’t. But you can if you like. But don’t.

As soon as Princess Snowflake had finished the last piece of bark, a glowing line appeared on the ground. Princess Snowflake took a deep breath and coughed up a few fir needles. Then, mustering all her courage, she stepped across the line and as she did so, the gardens of the Winter Palace disappeared and she found herself in the Realm of the Gypsy King. The earth beneath her feet was cracked and dry. A scorching wind blew. And there before her, standing on a black rock surrounded by a lake of fire, stood the Gypsy King himself.

‘So!’ laughed the Gypsy King. ‘You have made it to my Realm, I bet you had to eat a fir tree or something, didn’t you? But the rules of this place are not like your world, you fool! Come and get me now, if you dare! But if you cannot defeat me, you shall be trapped here forever! AHA AH AAH AAHAHAHA HAAH AHAA HAAHHAAHAH AHA AHAHA!’

This time the Gypsy King went on laughing for nearly twelve hours, so I definitely won’t write it all out. Princess Snowflake waited patiently until the laughter was over and then she said, ‘Gypsy King, I care not for your atrocious lake of fire. For I have seen you in my dreams and now I know the thing you are most afraid of in the world.’

And she held out her hands and stood there with her palms open and empty.

‘Oh, no,’ said the Gypsy King sarcastically. ‘Hands ! Oh, no! N . . . Not h-h-hands ! Oooh, no, I’m terrified, oh no, oh, no! Oh, no! The hands are going to get me, oh, no! Not the hands !’

‘Oh, Gypsy King,’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘It is not the hands themselves, but what they represent. Ever since I was a baby, those around me have worked to protect me and keep me from harm. I never used to listen to them for I was arrogant. But when I threw open my chamber door to let my friends inside, I also threw open the door to my heart. Behold, Gypsy King, for I have finally discovered the thing in the world you are most afraid of – THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER.’

At these words, Princess Snowflake’s hands were empty no longer, for in her left was clasped the right hand of Cobwep. And in Princess Snowflake’s right hand was clasped the left hand of Cobwep’s sister, Nightshadf. And then suddenly, there they all were – a vast army of kindly old witches, hands linked together as one, encircling the lake of fire in a chain of true friendship.

Princess Snowflake recognised some of the faces, like Cobwep, and another one called Granny Champion and another one called Roller Jane, who was one of the fattest witches ever born. But there were plenty of others she’d never met before, many thousands and thousands of them, and each one looking upon the Gypsy King with a mixture of pity and compassion which the cruel man could not bear. And now, as one, they started for him across the lake. And the flames weren’t even burning them because they were totally magic.

‘NO!’ shouted the Gypsy King, reaching for Cobwep and meaning to grind her to dust in his golden-ringed hands. But his brute force was no match for the witches’ kindliness. Slowly, slowly they closed in, throwing their arms around him and hugging him tight, tight as can be – and he was overcome. Down he went, down, down into the fray as the witches sort of beat him up with their deadly love and hugs and friendship like a weird dream.

‘Hang on a minute!’ shouted the Gypsy King as he disappeared from view. ‘The thing I’m most afraid of in the world isn’t THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP AND HELPING EACH OTHER! The thing I’m most afraid of in the world is bees! How is this even happening, this doesn’t make any sense at all! How is this working?’

But it was too late. And the very last Princess Snowflake saw of the Gypsy King was his proud boots as they disappeared beneath the flames. And then even the flames were gone and all that remained was the vast army of witches and the little black rock. And standing on the rock was –

‘Gooseberry!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘Oh, and my parents as well, even though I’ve never seen you before, I recognise you!’

‘Hello,’ said Princess Snowflake’s parents, ‘we were snatched up by the Gypsy King on the day you were born and we have spent the last eleven years in his power.’

‘How come I didn’t see you in little glass beads dangling from the chain around his neck?’ said Princess Snowflake. ‘Like Gooseberry was?’

‘He turned us into, like, sort of, these kind of little red stones, well, not exactly stones, but kind of like stones, which he kept in his shirt pocket,’ said Princess Snowflake’s father. ‘I don’t know why, he must have one system for turning dogs into things and another system for dealing with people. Anyway, it’s probably not that important, or not something we need to spend time worrying about right now. We’re back at last!’

‘Thank you for looking after our daughter while we were away,’ said Princess Snowflake’s mother to the witches. ‘I hope she wasn’t any trouble.’

‘She had her moments,’ said Cobwep. But she said it with a smile.

‘How lucky I am to have witches and parents and the prettiest little dog in the world!’ cried Princess Snowflake. ‘But best of all, I have learnt about friendship and accepting help from people.’

And Gooseberry barked three times: once for happiness to see his mistress again, once for joy to feel her arms around him again and once because it was a fairy tale and as you know, things always happen in threes in fairy tales. On Gooseberry’s third bark, the Realm of the Gypsy King was gone and there they all were, back in the gardens of the Winter Palace, with the snow falling all around and the birds singing and Chomley the hedgehog snuffling for treats like always.

A deer bounded by with a big ‘D’ painted on its side. Then another one with ‘A’. Then another, with ‘N’. Then another, with ‘G’. Then another, with ‘E’. And then one more, with ‘R’ painted on its side.

‘Oh, how wonderful,’ laughed Princess Snowflake, clapping her hands together, one, two, three! ‘It’s those lovely deer again! Daniel and Arthur and Neil and Georgina and Eleanor and my favourite, Rum-Pum-Pum!’

And Princess Snowflake was right. That’s exactly what those letters stood for. And when she grew up, Princess Snowflake married Rum-Pum-Pum, because it was the Age of Fairy Tales and you could do what you like back then, it was absolutely fine to marry a deer if you felt like it. Or a field, you could even marry a field if you fancied. And her parents moved back into the Winter Palace and Gooseberry became their butler, though he did charge quite a high price for his services.

In time, Princess Snowflake grew tired of the gardens and she rode Rum-Pum-Pum far and wide and together they had many more adventures and defeated all sorts of horrors, including the Flipsy King (who was a sort of evil pancake-making guy), the Chipsy King (who was like this nasty dude who owned a kebab shop but the portions were really small and he used to charge way too much for sachets of ketchup) and the Pipsy King (who was a sort of cross between a man and an apple and when you went near him he’d spit apple pips at you and if one hit you you would turn into an apple yourself but Princess Snowflake and Rum-Pum-Pum defeated him by saying, ‘Hey, look over there, there’s something really interesting!’ and when the Pipsy King looked over there they quickly rushed up to him and Rum-Pum-Pum kicked him to death with his hooves). And Princess Snowflake and Rum-Pum-Pum had lots of children together, some were humans and some were deers, and some were humans but with just the legs of a deer, and one of them was a Smurf.

And they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

561 AD
The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber

Now, all this happened way back in the Dark Ages, when people still thought that the world was flat, not like today when we know it’s a sort of giant shiny cube.

In those distant, ignorant times, the whole of England was ruled over by Old King Thunderbelly, who lived in a grand castle in the middle of Lamonic Bibber.

One day, Old King Thunderbelly was strolling in the castle courtyards, which were not as magnificent as you might think. They were just all right. The best bit was a Swingball, but even that wasn’t brilliant because it kept tipping over if you whacked the ball too hard.

‘I am so crafty,’ said Old King Thunderbelly as he strolled around the courtyards. ‘For a start, I’m the king of the whole of England. And for another start, I can outwit anyone who crosses my path.’

But at that moment a crow crossed Old King Thunderbelly’s path.

‘Oho,’ said the crow. ‘So you think you can outwit anyone, is that what I heard you say, you arrogant king?’

‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Why, have you got a challenge for me?’

‘I certainly have,’ remarked the crow. ‘I bet you can’t keep me out of Lamonic Bibber.’

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘No, seriously, I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I really actually think I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

‘Listen,’ said the crow, ‘I honestly bet you can’t.’

‘No, you listen, you idiot,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I bet I can.’

‘I bet you can’t,’ said the crow.

‘I bet I can,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

Well, this argument went on for a day and a night and it was the most boring day and night either of them had ever spent, until eventually the crow said, ‘OK, then, king-features. Prove it. I will walk ten miles out of town and then I will try to get back in. And just you see if you can stop me.’

‘All right, I will,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

So the crow turned around and started walking out of town. And Old King Thunderbelly began to make his plans.

‘I will build a mighty wall all around Lamonic Bibber,’ said Old King Thunderbelly to himself. ‘How can a crow possibly get over a wall? It’s impossible. And I will put some guards at the entrances and I will give them strict orders not to let in any crows. My God, I’m crafty!’ he said, rubbing his hands together, which was the first time a crafty person had ever rubbed his hands together to show he was doing crafty things.

‘Now, how will I build a wall?’ mused Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I know! I’ll get my friend John to do it for me.’

Now this was certainly a wonderful idea, because Old King Thunderbelly’s friend John was a famous wall-builder, known far and wide for his enormous farts. And also for how good he was at building walls.

So Old King Thunderbelly took out some bits of wood and a hammer and a few bells and he invented the world’s first telephone. Then he invented the world’s second telephone. Then he went round to his friend John’s house and gave John a telephone.

‘What’s this?’ said John.

‘You’ll see,’ winked Old King Thunderbelly. Then he went back to his palace and dialled John’s number.

‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Is that John?’

‘No, it’s his wife,’ said the voice at the other end of the line. ‘I’ll just go and get John, he’s having a fart in the shed.’

‘OK,’ said Old King Thunderbelly.

Soon John came to the phone.

‘Hello,’ said John.

‘Hello,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Do you like this new invention? It’s called a “telephone”.’

‘Yeah, it’s brilliant,’ said John. ‘Now, what can I do for you today, Your Highness? Do you want me to build a wall or something?’

‘Yes,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I want you to build a wall around Lamonic Bibber.’

‘Why, have you accepted a challenge from a crow or something?’ said John.

‘John, you know me well,’ laughed Old King Thunderbelly. ‘I certainly have.’

About three weeks later the wall was finally finished. John had worked day and night to build it, and it was probably the best wall he’d ever built. It was made out of stone and it was really high and there were spikes on it and every few hundred yards there were signs saying ‘NO CROWS ALLOWED’ and ‘KEEP OUT IF YOU ARE A CROW’. There were two gates set into the wall and at each gate stood two beefy guards, each holding a sharp silver sword, except for one of them who had forgotten his sword and was holding a massive garlic bread covered in tinfoil instead and hoping nobody would notice.

‘Now let’s see that crow try and get in,’ laughed Old King Thunderbelly.

Presently a traveller came up to the South Gate of the Wall of Lamonic Bibber. He was dressed in a fine coat of feathers and he had a beak and two wings and he was about the size of a crow.

‘Hello,’ said the traveller to the guards. ‘Do you mind if I come in through your gate?’

‘No, go ahead, we don’t care,’ said the guards. ‘Go right in.’

But as the traveller stepped forward, the first guard thought of something.

‘Hang on a minute,’ he said. ‘You’re not a crow, are you?’

‘Who, me?’ laughed the traveller. ‘No, of course not.’

‘OK, sorry to bother you,’ said the first guard. But just as the traveller was about to step inside, the second guard thought of something.

‘Hang on,’ he said, brandishing his sword. ‘You are a crow. Go away! It’s no crows allowed, those are our orders!’

‘Blast those guards,’ sulked the crow as he walked off. ‘They’re cleverer than they look. How am I going to get into Lamonic Bibber now?’

Well, that crow thought for a year and a day, and it was the most boring year and a day he’d ever spent. But eventually he came up with an absolutely brilliant idea, and when he came up with it a light bulb appeared above his head, and that’s how electricity was invented.

‘I’ve got it!’ said the crow.

About five years later, Old King Thunderbelly was sitting in the castle courtyards, having a sandwich and congratulating himself on outwitting the crow.

‘That was totally easy,’ he said to himself. ‘That wall did the trick no problem. It’s been years and years now and I still haven’t seen that crow around here.’

‘Oh, haven’t you?’ said a voice at that very moment. And looking down, Old King Thunderbelly was astonished to see none other than the crow himself, the very crow he’d been trying to keep out all this time!

‘How did you get in here?’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘Surely my wall should have kept you out?’

‘Well might you think so, king,’ said the crow. ‘But there’s one thing you forgot about us crows,’ he continued, flapping his powerful wings triumphantly. ‘We are excellent at digging. I have spent the past five years digging a tunnel under that wall with my beak and finally I have won the challenge and you must give me all the land of the kingdom and let me marry your daughter and you must be my slave forever and fetch me rare minerals.’

‘I don’t remember saying anything about that,’ said Old King Thunderbelly. ‘But OK.’

And that is how the elephant got its trunk.

THE END