Kitabı oku: «The Shape Of My Heart», sayfa 5
“The worst part is, I didn’t even leave then. I should have. But I went all sad puppy. ‘How can you...? You’re my dad, you’re supposed to love me.’” His mouth tightened, revealing how he felt about the pathetic nature of the question.
“What did he say?” It couldn’t be good.
“‘It’s not hard to work out, you dumb shit. If I don’t love you, it’s because you’re unlovable. Now get out of here. If I see you again, I will fucking end you.’”
“You took off that night.” Now that I had the whole story, I understood why.
The family could only cope with one emergency at a time. While everyone sat by Michael’s hospital bed, Max got farther away. And the longer the silence lasted, the more convinced he became that everyone hated him. Until Carol sent a wedding announcement email. Did I think somebody should’ve been on Max’s side, searching tirelessly to find him? Absolutely. But sometimes the world was a cold, horrible place, and people slipped through the cracks. That didn’t make it right.
“Yeah. You’re really quiet. It’s kind of freaking me out, I don’t want this to change us. I’ve never laid it out completely before, and—”
“I know, you say you don’t get along with your family and leave it at that. Thanks for trusting me. And no, it doesn’t make a difference. You’re my best friend...and I’m always on your side, Max. You can count on me for anything, you know that, right?”
His dark eyes shone, brightening with tears. They didn’t fall; he backed away from that emotional precipice, though his smile remained soft and sweet. “I do, actually. That’s why I asked you to come.”
“That means a lot to me.” I hugged him then, wrapping my arms around his waist.
He settled me against his chest, resting his chin on my hair. It was beyond me how anyone could call him unlovable. He radiated warmth. Yeah, the packaging was a little rough, and he didn’t speak with an upscale accent, but Max hid only goodness at the heart of him. Some guys talked shit about their hookups, but I’d never heard Max comparing notes or denigrating a girl for sleeping with him.
“You got the room for three nights, right?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I was wondering if you’d mind hanging out with Michael tomorrow. We’ll take off the day after.”
“Not at all. I was hoping you’d get some family time.”
“I didn’t think it was likely,” he admitted. “But Michael isn’t mad. Well, he is, but not about the accident. He just didn’t get why I vanished.”
“Did you tell him everything?”
He shook his head. “Kid has enough on his plate without hating Pop as much as I do.”
“So what’re you guys doing tomorrow?” I figured I’d walk downtown and check out the shopping in Providence, maybe see a movie.
“You aren’t coming?” He actually sounded disappointed.
“It seems like I’d be in the way. I mean, I’m not family.”
Max sat back and planted his hands on my shoulders. The suddenness of the motion jolted the swing, so the chains creaked. I tumbled backward, feet coming off the ground. I didn’t fight when he shifted, pulling me against his side. In slow, steady movements, he pushed off with his feet. Green shadows played across my bare legs, highlighting the pallor.
“You are,” he said.
“What?”
“Family. Maybe that sounds strange. I’m not looking forward to graduation. I mean, shit, we’re already splitting up. Nadia’s living downstairs, and Kia might be moving in. It’ll suck when I can’t see you guys every day.”
Mostly I didn’t think about the future. I had acquaintances in the business program who had five-year and ten-year life plans. But for me, the idea of what came after college—it was all a big blur. I couldn’t picture myself doing anything in particular. For a long time, I had been going through the motions, pretending I had goals, when I just missed Eli and didn’t take medication that would make it stop.
You have to let me go, Eli said. You can’t be happy unless you do.
But if I let you go, you’re gone.
I’ve been gone for years, baby.
“Where do you go when you do that?” Max asked unexpectedly.
“Huh?”
“Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, you check out. Not here, not listening, not with me anymore.”
This confession would make him think I was crazy. “Talking to my dead boyfriend.”
Max’s eyes widened and he glanced around his uncle’s backyard as if he expected some Medium scenario to play out. Ruefully I smiled and shook my head, tapping my temple. “In here. We knew each other so well—and for so long—that I hear his commentary on stuff and sometimes I answer. It’s weird, I know. I didn’t realize anyone could tell, though.”
“Trust me, I know when you’re paying attention to me. And that’s not the strangest habit I’ve encountered. When I was in Scranton, I met a guy who had a bird living in his pocket.”
I shuddered. “That sounds horrible for everyone involved.”
“I know, right? Anyway, the question stands. Will you come out with Michael and me?” His hand found the nape of my neck and he returned the favor, massaging until I nearly melted onto his lap.
Truthfully, he was turning me on somewhat, but I’d learned to ignore the little sparks between us. This friendship was too perfect to be complicated with sex, and making out with Max forced me to acknowledge that one night wouldn’t satisfy me. Plus, he went for pretty girls—Lauren, for example—and I’d heard all about his crush from Nadia. I couldn’t afford to become sexually obsessed with someone who thought of me as family.
We’re better as friends.
“Sure. It makes sense to let him show me around. Local knowledge and all.”
“Hey, I grew up here, too. I can line up some attractions that will rock your world.”
I couldn’t resist teasing him a bit, offering up a devilish smirk. “So that’s one of your life goals? Rocking my world?”
“Better me than my brother,” he muttered.
“Seriously, you don’t have to worry about that.” I paused just long enough for him to relax before I added, “Now. In two or three years...”
“You are not right, Kaufman. I still think of him as a goony kid.”
“Better not let him hear you say that. You’ll have another fight on your hands.” In a casual motion, I hopped down from the swing, needing to get his hand off me. For some reason, the tingles were stronger than usual.
“Going somewhere?”
“We’re finding something to eat, then you’re hanging out with your family. That’s why we’re here, after all.”
Not to make me feel things. And damn, I wish it would stop.
It can’t, Eli said. Sooner or later, you’ll love somebody else. Or else you might as well have died with me.
I wish I had. Normally, the bitterness didn’t escape unless I’d been drinking. So I stuffed it back where it belonged, crouched in the back of my head like an angry tiger.
Don’t say that, C. Where would this guy be without you?
I had no answer for that, but as I walked through the backyard, the longish grass tickling my bare legs, it felt like falling.
CHAPTER EIGHT
We didn’t get back to Providence until nearly midnight.
I was heartily sick of this black dress—to the point that I might burn it instead of washing it when we got back. Tiredly I trudged up the stairs and keyed the code so we could finally sleep. Damn, it’s been a long day. But the payoff had been worthwhile; Max’s family had made it clear he wasn’t persona non grata to anyone but Charlie, and it was apparent to me that nobody gave two shits about his opinion.
“I’m dying for a shower,” Max groaned.
He dumped the bag containing his blazer and vest on the bed, and I sighed, hanging up his crumpled clothing. Not because I expected him to wear it again, but disorder bothered me. Various shrinks had communicated that I exerted this control over my environment because I hated feeling helpless. I didn’t think it required an advanced degree to work that out.
“You can have the bathroom first.”
Shooting me a grateful look, he went in and shut the door behind him. I didn’t want to put on my relatively clean pj’s while I was all sticky, though, so I wandered into the other room to watch TV. It occurred to me then that I hadn’t checked messages all day. Normally I didn’t make a move without my phone in hand. Braced for the worst, I turned my cell on. As expected, I had, like, five texts from my mother. She was more than Overly Attached Mom; I’d given her reasons to worry about my mental state over the years, and she was protective even before I’d lost it. For peace of mind, she preferred regular check-ins, and I hadn’t been doing that since we left Michigan.
Where are you?
I haven’t heard from you at all today.
What are you doing?
Are you using again? My mother prided herself on digging up the right terminology.
If you don’t call me tonight, I’ll have to tell your father.
Sighing, I glanced at the time. Technically, it was still tonight for a few more minutes. If I knew her, she was reading in bed, staring at her phone, after letting my dad go to sleep undisturbed. In my experience, Ma worried enough for the both of them.
I called her. “Hey, it’s me.”
“What in the world are you doing that you can’t make time to call your mother?”
“My friend’s grandfather died. I’m wearing a black dress and everything. We went to the funeral today. It wouldn’t be respectful to text in the middle of the service, Ma.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday. That wouldn’t last until almost midnight.”
“We spent time with the family afterward. There was a potluck. Do you want me to text you a picture of me in this dress?” It wasn’t like I didn’t appreciate her concern, but sometimes it could be tedious. “I can also send you a link to the obituary. Scan a copy of the—”
“Stop teasing me. I was worried. You shouldn’t be this hard to reach when classes aren’t even in session.”
“I know. Sorry about that. There’s just been a lot going on this week. Things will settle down soon and I’ll get back to my usual schedule.”
“Okay. Be careful. We love you.”
That got me off the hook with my parents, but before I could decide what to watch, Max stepped out of the bathroom, steam billowing behind him. The room immediately heated up, despite the air-conditioning, because he only had a towel wrapped around his waist. He seemed fine wandering around, giving me peekaboo glimpses as he prowled the bedroom. I counted his tattoos surreptitiously, coming up with four, unless the towel hid some body art. The black ink I’d noticed curving around his rib cage proved to be a black spiral symbol that looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place it.
“Checking out the art?” Max asked.
Startled, I jerked my head up. “Yeah. What is that?”
He came toward me, and I wished he would put on boxers and sweats, but if I said anything, he’d tease the shit out of me. My heart thumped away as he got closer, close enough for me to smell the clean scent of skin, freshly washed with castile soap. Max perched beside me on the love seat, apparently unconcerned by how his towel gapped at the thigh. A drop of water trailed down his chest and I watched it until it dripped onto the white terry cloth over his lap.
“It’s a variation on the symbol for Leo.”
“The zodiac sign? But your birthday’s in November.”
“My mom was born on August 1. This was the first tattoo I ever got.” He touched the ink over his rib cage; it was all I could do not to do the same. “It’s supposed to stand for courage and to remind me of her.”
“That’s sweet. What about the others?”
“This is just a cuff... I liked the pattern.” Max flexed his arm, and the braid expanded in reaction. Then he shifted, presenting his back, along with the only colorful ink on his body. “This is obviously a Chinese dragon. It’s supposed to represent power and good fortune to the worthy, so I guess you could say it’s aspirational. The last is an old symbol for strength.” He indicated a black symbol on his arm that resembled a tree, only more stylized.
“I like the dragon especially. The red-and-black is gorgeous.” On your skin, I added silently. “You’ve never shown them to me before.”
He leveled a long look on me, one that confused me as much as it tempted me to touch. “Yeah, well. I usually save the unveiling for a special occasion.”
“Huh?”
“The first time I sleep with someone. Then she traces all my ink and I lay back, pretending she’s the only one who ever thought to do it.”
“That sounds depressing.”
“It is, a little. I have personal reasons for getting them, but they’re not a fetish or a separate erogenous zone.”
I was torn between the urge to learn more about what drove Max nuts in bed and the conviction that was a terrible idea. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to leave yet. He was close enough that I felt the heat of his thigh against mine.
My breath quickened. “Are you planning to tell me what gets you hot? While you’re nearly naked, I might add. Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“True. I might embarrass myself. You’d never let me live it down.”
Smiling, I stood up. “I’ll shower, you can put pants on. Then, if you still want to talk about your hot zones—”
“We’ll put a pin in it. But I was wondering...”
“What?”
“Do you have any ink?”
“Just one.” I pulled my bodice down just enough to show him the small red heart—tattooed over my actual blood-pumping one—with Eli written inside it. Since I didn’t wear low-cut tops as a rule, very few people had seen it.
Max froze, then he lifted his chin, his dark gaze locking on my face. His eyes blazed with something I couldn’t even identify, fiercer than desire, stronger than longing. Flutters quivered to life in my stomach, but I couldn’t possibly be reading this right.
His lips parted, and it took three tries before he could speak. He cleared this throat, finally getting the words out. “You should shower.”
Nodding, I practically ran to the bathroom, crazily aware of my pulse pounding in my throat, my ears, my wrists, and my pussy throbbed, too, echoing the excitement. Dear God. I want to fuck Max. If he was anyone else in the world, I would, if he was interested. But after Eli, I couldn’t risk losing my best friend. Not again. Not when it had taken five years for me to get here...and stop feeling so alone.
I stood in the shower much longer than I needed to, conscious that I was using the same soap, the same shampoo, that my naked body was occupying the same space his had. Sighing, I banged my head lightly on the wall and let the water run down my cheeks like tears. Despite the pervasive ache in my throat, I didn’t cry. I didn’t masturbate either, though I was tempted.
Max had on a T-shirt and sweats when I came out of the bathroom. In my rush, I’d repeated his mistake, forgetting my clothes in the bedroom. He was lounging on the bed, fiddling with his phone, and he smirked when he spotted me barely covered in the towel.
“Close your eyes,” I ordered.
To my relief, he didn’t make a big thing of it, letting me dash out and snag my backpack. Then I retreated to dry off, slather on some lotion and put on clean underwear and the pajamas I’d been wearing since we left. I wondered what he made of that until I remembered he’d been wearing the same sweats at night, and that we often wandered the apartment at home in the same comfy clothes to prolong the stretches between runs to the laundry room.
God, this trip is making me mental. I ambled out of the bathroom and took a deep breath, then flung myself over Max, landing on the other side.
He laughed at my acrobatic entry and shifted over to make room for me on the bed. “Can’t believe how late it is.”
“What time is Michael picking us up?”
“Ten.”
“Thank God. We can sleep in.”
“You do that every damn day, entitled princess.”
I rolled over and poked him in the side. “Are you jealous?”
“Of your sloth? Please.”
I started massacring the Pussycat Dolls, making up lyrics as I went. “Don’t cha wish you were unemployed like me, don’t cha wish you could lay around like me—”
“Please don’t ever sing again, seriously. I just died a little inside.”
Laughing, I fell back onto my pillow and turned over. “Shut the light off.”
“’Night, Kaufman.”
“G’night.”
* * *
I woke to the delicious smell of breakfast. Rolling out of bed, I stumbled into the other room to find Max setting the table with takeout. He’d brought back scrambled eggs, sweet rolls and juice, and I squelched the urge to hug him. Noticing me, he smiled and stepped into a slant of sunlight, all golden skin and liquid, dark eyes. I nearly retreated, except that would be weird enough to make him wonder what my deal was.
“You’re awesome,” I said.
“I might’ve heard that once or twice. Not usually for bringing breakfast.”
“Yes, I get it. Women send thank-you notes for sex, you’re the god of peen.” Feigning a casual tone, I sat down and dug into my food.
“I might get that as my next tattoo.”
I nodded. “You should put it right on your treasure trail. But make sure the lettering is classy. We wouldn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.”
“You make a good point,” he said with mock solemnity.
After breakfast, I got ready, pulling on leggings and an oversize T-shirt with a silver glittery skull emblazoned on it. One of these days I might grow out of this style, but part of me couldn’t stand to think about it because this was how I’d dressed with Eli. My mother called it “arrested development,” but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye yet.
Soon, Eli whispered.
The word didn’t even sound much like him anymore, more of an echo thrown back by a chasm, long after the original voice faded. Grabbing my purse, I went downstairs to look for Michael. He was just pulling up when I stepped onto the sidewalk, so I waved as he rolled down the window.
“You ready for the adventure of a lifetime?”
“Definitely. Do I get shotgun this time?”
“Fine by me. Big bro can ride in back.”
Snickering, I ran around the Scion and hopped in. Max came out a few minutes later, looking vaguely disgruntled. “I go to the bathroom for two seconds and you vanish on me.”
“It’s a miracle you tracked me down.”
Michael laughed. “Okay, the weather’s nice enough that we can check out some parks if you feel outdoorsy.”
I raised a brow as Max climbed in back. “Do I look like the sporty type to you?”
“Just trust me.”
“Okay, but I have high expectations.”
When I saw Roger Williams Park, I wasn’t disappointed. It was incredibly picturesque with bridges over tiny streams, a carousel village, duck ponds and gazebos, along with beautiful landscaping. Though I wasn’t a back-to-nature girl, I enjoyed walking around with Michael and Max, though I didn’t say much. The sunlight felt good on my skin; it wasn’t hot enough for me to sweat yet, which I suspected was why Michael had us out here in the morning.
By noon, however, I was thirsty and ready to move on. “What’s next?”
“I thought I’d take you to Providence Place for lunch and shopping,” Max answered.
“Just her?” Michael joked. “Also, how’re you doing that? We’re in my car. What if I have other plans?”
“Do you?” I asked.
“Nah, it’s fine.”
It took ten minutes or so to get back to the car and as long again driving from the park to the mall. This time I let Max have the front seat, mostly because I couldn’t take the cuteness of him sulking in back while I bantered with his brother. They were a little tentative, a little awkward, but it warmed my shriveled heart to witness the progress. From the outside, you’d never guess they’d spent the past five years apart. Now and then, I caught Michael sneaking quick looks at Max, as if checking for his approval. Inside, he was still a goony kid who cared about his big brother’s opinion. I had the urge to mess up their hair in one swooping move, but I sat on my hands to keep from distracting Michael as he parked.
“Joe’s for lunch?” Michael suggested.
Max nodded. “Sounds good.”
Joe’s turned out to be an American restaurant, very manly, all gleaming oak and brass fittings. The guys ordered nachos to start and burgers for their main plates; I went with an iceberg lettuce wedge and the macaroni and cheese. If I knew Max, he’d trade me part of his burger for some of my mac. It was pretty much his favorite thing to eat.
“So what’s your school situation?” I asked Michael.
“What do you mean?”
“Are you a junior?”
“Oh. Actually, I’m a senior. I’ve been homeschooled since the accident and I’m on target to graduate at seventeen.”
“Damn. Smart and handsome.”
Max kicked me under the table as the waitress brought our food. I jumped, more startled than hurt. “What? You’re smart and handsome, too. Apparently it runs in the family.”
“We get it from our mother,” Michael said.
The nachos disappeared fast while they talked about Max’s mechanical engineering program and Michael’s interest in aeronautics. I crammed a chip in my mouth, wishing I was as excited about my future profession as these two seemed to be. But for me, the professional world seemed so nebulous that I had no idea what I’d end up doing—something I hated, probably. Eli and I used to talk about starting an indie music label, but that dream had died with him.
A few minutes after the busboy cleared the appetizer plates, the server delivered our meals. Before I could suggest a swap, Max cut his burger in half, still talking to his brother, and put part of it on my bread plate. Then he served himself some of my mac and salad while Michael stared, wearing an odd expression.
“What?” Max glanced between us.
“Are you sure you’re not together? That’s a very couple-y move.”
“We live together,” I reminded him. “So we’re always sharing food.”
“That’s true. Never mind.”
They went back to their conversation about the space program while we ate lunch, but I caught Max eyeing me with a strange expression now and then. I pretended I didn’t notice because I had no idea what he was thinking or what I was supposed to do about it. In some respects it was a relief to pay the check and have the acceptable excuse of window-shopping to cover my awkwardness. This is so strange. I’ve never, ever been uncomfortable with Max. But Michael was making me really aware of how much Max and I took for granted, a closeness I hadn’t even really processed consciously.
Providence Place was a fine mall with the usual high-end stores, but honestly, my mind wandered too much to concentrate on consumerism. To placate the guys I bought an antisocial slogan T-shirt at a Hot Topic wannabe store. Afterward, they looked at techy stuff and I wandered around admiring the architecture. Eventually Michael excused himself to use the restroom, so I sat down on a bench to wait.
“Didn’t find anything you want?” Max asked.
“We have to cram it into my backpack and then the top box,” I reminded him.
“Yeah, when you put it that way, light shopping seems like the way to go.” He sat down beside me and rested his head on my shoulder. “I didn’t expect it to turn out this way, but...this trip has been amazing.”
“Yeah?” I reached over to pet his head, and his eyes closed.
His answer came so soft that I almost didn’t catch it: “Things always are with you.”
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