Kitabı oku: «Learn to love. 30 tips how to live», sayfa 6

Question 21. To continue a relationship or not?

How do you understand if you should continue a relationship or not? Is it «your» kind of man? What are the «signs»? Is it your own desire, interest, joy, hopes for the future or something else?

Answer. The most important thing is that if a man is «yours», you don’t need to lie to him. He will understand everything. This is the most valuable quality! This is when you will have joy, interest, desire and hopes. If this quality is not there, you won’t have any pleasure in a relationship.

Chapter 8. Infidelity

A man’s unfaithfulness is probably the biggest obstacle for a family. Many women are of the opinion that you can’t change men’s nature and so they just come to terms with that. However, I am certain that if a woman acts in the right way and a man is not a self-centered jackass, their family – definitely! – will be happy. There is one little condition though. Their family will be happy if this is the main goal for both of them. Here is my personal opinion – having got married a normal man doesn’t have any intentions to cheat on his wife. He can entertain a theoretical idea, but he doesn’t want to do it in real life. He cheats only when his wife disappoints him.

I think that whether a man will or will not cheat on his wife depends on that very specific man. It doesn’t depend on circumstances, «sexual hunger» or his beloved woman’s behavior. People who like alcohol won’t let themselves drink before they have to go to work, they are afraid of what might happen. People won’t let themselves have coffee before bed if the next day is very important and they need to sleep well that night. All people can control themselves. It all depends on how strong their desire is. The same can be said about a man’s infidelity. If you want to be the one and only woman, then you should look for a man who will not be cheating on you. Once you have found him, love, adore and spoil him. Don’t complain about headaches. Give love to him and receive love from him. He won’t cheat on you. When you eat, you do it consciously. It means that you do the same with your sexual desires – you can control them.

Many couples allow different forms of infidelity in their sexual lives. For some people imagination is enough to experience something new in sex. Others organize more visual «cheating» – well-known role playing. Hello, I am your new housekeeper. Is it a spider web there in the corner? I need a ladder to get to it. Is it alright that I am not wearing panties? It is very hot today… And so a forbidden fruit becomes a regular apple. A man usually looks to satisfy not his sexual hunger but his adrenaline hunger. He needs new experiences and feelings.

If a man doesn’t want to be with his family, objective circumstances like children, shared business or emotional manipulation will not make him stay. In any case, I would talk about infidelity with my husband. A woman has her views on faithfulness, a man might have different views. A tragedy happens when it turns out to be that those views are not the same. It is important for partners to discuss where they stand when it comes to this uneasy question.

I often receive letters from women who have faced their men cheating on them. If a man doesn’t have enough of women when he is young, he tries to catch up when he is forty or fifty for example. You can play games with your life when you are twenty, thirty and fifty. The smarter the person is, the sooner he or she stops playing games and starts treating their life with respect. If you are lucky to meet «your» man early in life, you do need to be smart to appreciate it.

Question 22. My husband has a lover. What should I do?

I know that my husband has had a mistress for two years now. More than that, they openly communicate on social networks. What should I do to make him think? It seems to me that my mistake is in that I am not bitchy enough at the age of fifty.

Answer. Are you sure that your main problem is to make your husband turn his brain on? I think you are mistaken here. You are fifty and for the last two years you have been stressed. Let me point out that this kind of stress is one of the nastiest ones, because it involves uncertainty and doubtfulness. It means that all of your thoughts move in a vicious cycle. You are looking for a way out of the situation where not much depends on you, because there are two other adult people involved in this. Such long lasting stresses have negative consequences like depression or even cancer. I think that the only safe and normal way out is to give your husband freedom. Let him go until he decides what he wants. For the time being you need to stop having sex with him and start living separately.

Question 23. My husband writes poems dedicated to another woman.

I am currently having a very difficult family situation. I have been married for over twenty years. Three years ago he started communicating with a woman on-line. Before that they hadn’t known each other. The result of their communication is «love». In the last two years he has written around three hundred poems. They have met. The first time was about a year ago. They have had sex. According to him they love each other. He told me about this half a year ago. When he was saying these words, he looked like he was having a fit of passion. In the beginning he was saying that it was only friendship and that he loved me. I knew the truth though.

When he notified me about his feelings, I told him that I wasn’t going to beg him to stay. I needed him to think about everything. It’s been quite a long time since then. He hasn’t left me. Yet. They keep communicating. As far as I understand his new woman (by the way, she also has been married for over twenty years) lives far away from him. My husband said that he would do everything to be with her. However, he hasn’t done anything but writing poems so far. He has declared total freedom in my personal life (though he gets jealous all the time). He is not leaving me, because he has nowhere to go. In addition, he doesn’t have enough money to support two families. We have two sons who are eighteen right now.

This situation is humiliating for me. For a long time, I have considered her his unhealthy obsession. I don’t believe that you can know a person so well while talking via the Internet. I understand how she could become his inspiration and an object of dreams! I hope you also understand why.

I don’t want you to think that I humiliate myself, but I do forgive him a lot of things. Of course, it means nothing to him. He stays with me, even in bed. If I initiate sex, he often refuses. But after some time he starts to make passes. To make a long story short, I don’t completely understand what is going on and what I should be doing. We have talked on multiple occasions, but he hasn’t given me a definite answer. Maybe he is waiting for me to leave. Please advise something if you can.

Answer. Do you want to understand a man who acts like a child? I think that he doesn’t understand himself. There is nothing really to understand. He lives a fine life, he has sex and it is warm and clean in the house. A man rarely thinks about relationships. So you should decide for yourself how you can become happy. In my opinion, you think more about him than you do about yourself. He has found this pleasure in life and he is happy. You think about him and torture yourself. It doesn’t really matter if you have been together for ten, twenty or forty years. If you have different interests, he will find somebody he can share interests with. Here is your choice: you either find somebody that is «yours», or you try to prove to your husband that he has made a mistake.

Question 24. I think my partner will cheat on me soon.

Tell me how can I trust him again? I think that my beloved has cheated on me. I don’t have any proof, but my life has turned into a nightmare. I am afraid that he will be cheating on me.

Answer. I think your goal is wrong. You want to become blind instead of being able to see everything. You want to trust somebody you already don’t trust. I would set a different goal, a more beneficial one for you. I would become a woman who will be followed by men. I would become a woman that he would be afraid to lose and not vice versa. Start using your energy to achieve this goal. These thoughts about his possible infidelity are going to eat you up. Your man feels that you depend on him like a slave and he will get tired of you soon. We already know the end of this story.

When he sees that other men are fascinated by you, everything will change. Thus, your main goal should be to learn to charm men.

Chapter 9. Who are womanizers and how to live with them?

By the term «womanizer» we usually mean a man who is overly interested in women. It can also be added that womanizers court women. Having said that, I want to share my personal opinion here. I think that all normal men are womanizers. Yes, all of them! All normal men are really interested in women. The thing is that some of them hide this interest, some of them don’t and others (young or stupid) demonstrate it. I need to clarify one thing just in case. By normal men, I mean males who are capable of having sex. Nature made all men womanizers. Nature’s main goal is to maintain life. For humans it means procreation.

All creatures strive to preserve their species. I have seen many times how a man changes when he has been passed by a woman in the street. His posture now reminds of a hound who has gotten a sniff of some bird. When a woman passes a man, an animal instinct awakens in him. A man doesn’t think about it, but something prehistoric brings back this memory: as if he is a male bison chasing a female somewhere in a prairie.

Men often die at war. If there is no war, men usually die earlier than women do. That is why nature gave men the gene of a womanizer – to preserve humans as a species. Nature gave him the status of a sperm-provider no matter how crude this sounds. This is what we can see today on our planet: there are fewer men, yet women give birth to more children. This is what nature wants. Of course you are not interested in global processes. You are interested in one very specific man. So we are going to talk about him. He is a man, all men are womanizers and womanizers have three groups they all can be divided into. Let’s find out which group your man belongs to.

Demonstrators

The most obvious demonstrators are teenagers. Starting from the age of twelve-thirteen they get their first experience of touching a woman’s body (usually it is her breasts). Later in life they always try to press themselves against a woman’s behind – the closer, the more pleasant it is for the demonstrators. You can see such demonstrators in lines, public transportation and other public places. Men with unstable psyche can remain demonstrators even when they are much older.

I have heard from women that seemingly respectable men around forty-fifty years old would touch their buttocks. It would happen at work when they were walking upstairs together or would stay alone in an office. This is exactly what differs demonstrators from other womanizers. The former touch women even when women don’t give any signal that they want to be this close. Don’t despise demonstrators. I am sure that all men go through this phase. It is like a childhood infection that can affect anyone. However, there are men who are not very intelligent and they do degrade to being a demonstrator later in their lives. This is when we need to feel sorry for them.

Obvious ones

Women recognize these womanizers by the way they look at them. They ogle. They don’t hide their interest in women. They can easily talk on very personal topics or hint about a possible romantic relationship. They openly joke about that. An obvious womanizer can often be called a lady’s man or even Casanova. The majority of women when asked to describe a womanizer, actually picture an obvious one. Certainly all young men go through this phase and certainly not all of them mature up to the next one. There are cases when even men who do reach the next stage, still go down to the first one. Everything depends on how smart men are.

Hidden ones

Hidden womanizers are the smartest men. They are not going to stare at women they like. They are not going to let those women understand that they are interested in them. Hidden womanizers are intelligent (no matter what education they actually have) gentlemen. They look like reliable men with moralistic views who love their wives and children – perfect family guys. Since everything is well at home, they also work well. The economy of any country is supported by men like that. Hidden womanizers can have different temperaments of course. It is important to understand that they all still have the same trait – they are womanizers. Women shouldn’t forget about that.

What should women understand?

First of all, women should understand that being a womanizer is a normal state for any man. Regardless of how long they have been married, the way they look, how overweight and unhealthy they might be, how attached to their families they are, womanizers will always be interested in different women. Here is an example. My friend has a neighbor. Every year the neighbor’s father comes from Israel to visit. He stays with his son for a month or so. The neighbor’s father is eighty-three years old. Every time he comes to visit, he orders a hooker. Here we could of course speculate about how sane the man is. However, for me it is obvious that he is not happy with his wife. Since this has been repeating for twenty years, I can say that he has been unhappy for much longer.

A man’s temperament is not important for a woman at all. The thing is that one might need five women and another – a hundred and five different women. For a woman there is no difference – five or more. The point here is that he needs somebody else besides her. So what do we have? More and more women believe that all men are jerks and try to pay them back by starting affairs as well. If all men are womanizers, does it mean that marital fidelity is a myth? No, it’s not. There is one condition. A womanizer can find different women at home. They all are in one woman. This is what women should understand.

I should mention one more thing here. There are indeed men who are not just regular womanizers. They are more like Don Juan. Can women build relationships with men like that? Here is a list of criteria that will help you understand who is really in front of you:

● They don’t want to marry and have children. They have learnt to get only sex from their relationships. Some of them already have the experience of being husbands and fathers.

● They are smart. If they know how to listen to their brain and not their instincts, they can easily see disadvantages of marriage and parenthood.

● They are honest. They tell their lovers right away about their plans (or rather lack of plans) regarding marriage.

● They are courteous. They don’t want to lose their lovers and then spend their time on finding new ones.

● They are interesting interlocutors. They always entertain their lovers.

● They can even spend their money on you, but not a lot.

● They could be wonderful husbands. They have everything you need with one exception – they don’t have love for you.

● They don’t let themselves fall in love. If they do fall in love, they might marry and being married for them is like death.

● When you get tired of them not loving you, they will quickly replace you with somebody new. They always have a list of candidates to avoid life without sex.

These men cunningly set their positions: they are perfect, their values and lives in general are perfect too. The women they have relationships with are reminded that they are slightly lacking something to be considered perfect. It is very convenient, because they can be having affairs for as long as their women have the patience. If you want to make sure that your man is not one of those, you should try to remember if he has ever acted like a loving man. For example, he has sacrificed something for you. And he did it not because he needed sex, but because he wanted to make you happy.

Don Juans will break your heart. They are usually too attractive not to fall in love with them. Before you let yourself go crazy about a certain man, think about what you actually want. What kind of relationships will be humiliating for you? What conditions should be met for you to be happy in this relationship? How long will this happiness last? After you have thought everything through, write it down. It might look like this, for example, «I am ready to have a lover for six months. I don’t need his soul. I don’t want a marriage certificate with our names on it. I am not going to go out with him. I just need him in my bed, at my place. I am seeing him only when I want that, when I want sex and not when he wants it.» This way you will have a relationship based on your conditions.

This is my main advice – have it your way, your relationship – your conditions. Then you won’t be miserable but fully satisfied with your life. And you won’t regret about those years when some man was using you.