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xi.– THE RIVAL DOLLS

"Miss Jenny and Polly had each a new dolly." —Vide Poem.

Characters.

Scene —A Nursery. Enter Miss Jennyand Miss Polly, who perform a blameless step-dance with an improving chorus.

Oh, isn't it jolly! we've each a new dolly,
And one is a Soldier, the other's a Tar;
We're fully contented with what's been presented,
Such good little children we both of us are!

[They dance up to a cupboard, from which they bring out two large Dolls, which they place on chairs.

Miss J.Don't they look nice! Come, Polly, let us strive
To make ourselves believe that they're alive!
Miss P. (addressing Sailor D.). I'm glad you're mine. I dote on all that's nautical.
The Sailor D. (opening his eyes suddenly). Excuse me, Miss, your sister's more my sort o' gal.

[Kisses his hand to Miss J., who shrinks back, shocked and alarmed.

Miss J. Oh, Polly,did you hear? I feel so shy!

The Sailor D. (with mild self-assertion). I can say "Pa" and "Ma" – and wink my eye.

[Does so at Miss P., who runs in terror to Miss J.'s side

Miss J. Why, both are showing signs of animation.
Miss P. Who'd think we had such strong imagination!
The Soldier Doll (aside to the Sailor D.). I say, old fellow, we have caught their fancy —
In each of us they now a real man see!
Let's keep it up!
The Sailor D. (dubiously.) D'ye think as we can do it?
The Soldier D. You stick by me, and I will see you through it.
Sit up, and turn your toes out, – don't you loll;
Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll!

[The Sailor Dollpulls himself together, and rises from chair importantly.

The Sailor D. (in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman) —
Ladies, with your kind leave, this gallant gent
Will now his military sketch present.

[Miss J. and P. applaud: the Soldier D., after feebly expostulating, is induced to sing.

Song, by the Soldier Doll

When I used to be displayed,
In the Burlington Arcade,
With artillery arrayed
Underneath.
Shoulder Hump

I imagine that I made
All the Lady Dolls afraid,
I should draw my battle-blade
From its sheath,
Shoulder Hump

For I'm Mars's gallant son,
And my back I've shown to none,
Nor was ever seen to run
From the strife!
Shoulder Hump!

Oh, the battles I'd have won,
And the dashing deeds have done,
If I'd ever fired a gun
In my life!
Shoulder Hump!

Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage)

By your right flank, Wheel!
Let the front rank kneel!
With the bristle of the steel
To the foe.
Till their regiments reel,
At our rattling peal,
And the military zeal
We show!

[Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him

The Soldier Doll. My friend will next oblige – this jolly Jack Tar.
Will give his song and chorus in charàck-tar!

[Same business with Sailor D.

Song, by the Sailor Doll

In costume I'm
So maritime,
You'd never suppose the fact is,
That with the Fleet
In Regent Street,
I'd precious little naval practice!
There was saucy craft,
Rigged fore an' aft,
Inside o' Mr. Cre-mer's.
From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques,
Like-wise mechanical stea-mers.

Chorus

But to navigate the Serpentine,
Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!
With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine,
Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!
I did respeckfully decline,
So I was left in port to pine,
Which wasn't azactually the line
Of a rollicking Sailor Boy, Yeo-ho!
Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy!

Yes, there was lots
Of boats and yachts,
Of timber and of tin, too;
But one and all
Was far too small
For a doll o' my size to get into
I was too big
On any brig
To ship without disas-ter,
And it wouldn't never do
When the cap'n and the crew
Were a set 'o little swabs all plaster!

Chorus– So to navigate the Serpentine, &c.

An Ark is p'raps
The berth for chaps
As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry.
But I sez to Shem
And the rest o' them,
"How you get along at all's a myst'ry!
With a Wild Beast Show
Let loose below,
And four fe-males on deck too!
I never could agree
With your happy fami-lee,
And your lubberly ways I objeck to."

[Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the Soldier Doll advances condescendingly to Miss Jenny.

The Sold. D. Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies,
But yield to you – though conquering my trade is!
Miss J. (repulsing him). Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you!

[The Sold. D. persists in offering her attentions.

Miss P. (watching them bitterly). To be deserted by one's doll does sting you!

[The Sailor D. approaches.

The Sailor D. (to Miss P.) Let me console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll
As swears his 'art was ever true to Poll!

(N.B. —Good opportunity for Song here.)

Miss P. (indignantly to Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his idol!
Do make him stop – (spitefully) – When you've quite done with my doll!
Miss J. (scornfully.) If you suppose I want your wretched warrior,
I'm sorry for you!
Miss P. I for you am sorrier.
Miss J. (weeping, r.). Polly preferred to me – what ignominy!
Miss P. (weeping, l.). My horrid Soldier jilting me for Jenny!

[The two Dolls face one another, c.

Sailor D. (to Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her sky-lights now, you swab!
Soldier D. (to Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break your nob! [Hits him.
Sailor D. (in a pale fury). This insult must be blotted out in bran!
Soldier D. (fiercely). Come on, I'll shed your sawdust – if I can!

[Miss J. and P. throw themselves between the combatants.

Miss J. For any mess you make we shall be scolded,
So wait until a drugget we've unfolded!

[They lay down drugget on Stage.

The Soldier D. (politely). No hurry, Miss, we don't object to waiting.
The Sailor D. (aside). His valour – like my own – 's evaporating!
(Defiantly to Soldier D.). On guard! You'll see how soon I'll run you through!
(Confidentially.) (If you will not prod me, I won't pink you.)
The Soldier D. Through your false kid my deadly blade I'll pass!
(Confidentially.) (Look here, old fellow, don't you be a hass!)

[They exchange passes at a considerable distance.

The Sailor D. (aside). Don't lose your temper now!
Sold. D. Don't get excited.
Do keep a little farther off!
Sail. D. Delighted!

[Wounds Soldier D. by misadventure.

Sold. D. (annoyed). There now, you've gone and made upon my wax a dent!
Sail. D. Excuse me, it was really quite an accident.
Sold. D. (savagely). Such clumsiness would irritate a saint!

[Stabs Sailor Doll.

Miss J. and P. (imploringly). Oh, stop! the sight of sawdust turns us faint!

[They drop into chairs, swooning.

Sail. D. I'll pay you out for that!

[Stabs Soldier D.

Sold. D. Right through you've poked me!
Sailor D. So you have me!
Sold. D. You shouldn't have provoked me!

[They fall transfixed.

Sailor D. (faintly). Alas, we have been led away by vanity.
Dolls shouldn't try to imitate humanity! [Dies.
Soldier D. For, if they do, they'll end like us, unpitied,
Each on the other's sword absurdly spitted!

[Dies. Miss J. and P. revive, and bend sadly over the corpses.

Miss Jenny. From their untimely end we draw this moral,
How wrong it is, even for dolls, to quarrel!
Miss Polly. Yes, Jenny, in the fate of these poor fellows see
What sad results may spring from female jealousy!

[They embrace penitently as Curtain falls.

xii.– CONRAD; OR, THE THUMBSUCKER

(Adapted freely from a well-known Poem in the "Struwwelpeter.")

Characters

Conrad (aged 6)

Conrad's Mother(47)

The Scissorman (age immaterial)

Scene —An Apartment in the house of Conrad'sMother, window in centre at back, opening upon a quiet thoroughfare. It is dusk, and the room is lighted only by the reflected gleam from the street-lamps. Conraddiscovered half-hidden by left window-curtain.

Conrad (watching street). Still there! For full an hour he has not budged
Beyond the circle of yon lamp-post's rays!
The gaslight falls upon his crimson hose,
And makes a steely glitter at his thigh,
While from the shadow peers a hatchet-face
And fixes sinister malignant eyes —
On whom? (Shuddering.)I dare not trust myself to guess
And yet – ah, no – it cannot be myself!
I am so young – one is still young at six! —
What man can say that I have injured him?
Since, in my Mother's absence all the day
Engaged upon Municipal affairs,
I peacefully beguile the weary hours
By suction of consolatory thumbs.

[Here he inserts his thumb in his mouth, but almost instantly removes it with a start.

Again I meet those eyes! I'll look no more —
But draw the blind and shut my terror out.

[Draws blind and lights candle; Stage lightens.

Heigho, I wish my Mother were at home!
(Listening.) At last! I hear her latch-key in the door!

[Enter Conrad'sMother, a lady of strong-minded appearance, rationally attired. She carries a large reticule full of documents.

Conrad's M. Would, Conrad, that you were of riper years,
So you might share your Mother's joy to-day,
The day that crowns her long and arduous toil
As one of London's County Councillors!

Conrad. Nay, speak; for though my mind be immature,
One topic still can charm my infant ear,
That ever craves the oft-repeated tale.
I love to hear of that august assembly

[His Mother lifts her bonnet solemnly.

In which my Mother's honoured voice is raised!
C.'s M. (gratified). Learn, Conrad, then, that, after many months
Of patient "lobbying" (you've heard the term?)
The measure by my foresight introduced
Has triumphed by a bare majority!
Con. My bosom thrills with dutiful delight —
Although I yet for information wait
As to the scope and purpose of the statute.
C.'s M. You show an interest so intelligent
That well deserves it should be satisfied,
Be seated, Conrad, at your Mother's knee,
And you shall hear the full particulars.
You know how zealously I advocate
The sacred cause of Nursery Reform?
How through my efforts every infant's toys
Are carefully inspected once a month – ?
Con. (wearily). Nay, Mother, you forget – I have no toys.
C.'s M. Which brings you under the exemption clause.
But – to resume; how Nursery Songs and Tales
Must now be duly licensed by our Censor,
And any deviation from the text
Forbidden under heavy penalties?
All that you know. Well; with concern of late,
I have remarked among our infancy
The rapid increase of a baneful habit
On which I scarce can bring my tongue to dwell.

[The Stage darker; blind at back illuminated.

Oh, Conrad, there are children – think of it! —
So lost to every sense of decency
That, in mere wantonness or brainless sloth,
They obstinately suck forbidden thumbs!

[Conradstarts with irrepressible emotion.

Forgive me if I shock your innocence!
(Sadly.) Such things exist – but soon shall cease to be,
Thanks to the measure we have passed to-day!
Con. (with growing uneasiness). But how can statutes check such practices?
C.'s M. (patting his head). Right shrewdly questioned, boy! I come to that.
Some timid sentimentalists advised
Compulsory restraint in woollen gloves,
Or the deterrent aid of bitter aloes.
I saw the evil had too deep a seat
To yield to such half-hearted remedies.
No; we must cut, ere we could hope to cure!
Nay, interrupt me not; my Bill appoints
A new official, by the style and title
Of "London County Council Scissorman,"
For the detection of young "suck-a-thumbs."

[Here the shadow of a huge hand brandishing a gigantic pair of shears appears upon the blind.

Con. (hiding his face in his Mother's lap.) Ah, Mother, see!.. the scissors!.. On the blind!
C.'s M. Why, how you tremble! You've no cause to fear.
The shadow of his grim insignia
Should have no terror – save for thumb-suckers.
Con. And what for them?
C.'s M. (complacently). A doom devised by me —
The confiscation of the culprit thumbs.
Thus shall our statute cure while it corrects,
For those who have no thumbs can err no more.

[The shadow slowly passes on the blind, Conradappearing relieved at its departure. Loud knocking without. Both start to their feet.

C.'s M. Who knocks so loud at such an hour as this?
A Voice. Open, I charge ye. In the Council's name!
C.'s M.'Tis the Official Red-legged Scissorman,
Who doubtless calls to thank me for the post.
Con. (with a gloomy determination). More like his business, Madam, is with – Me!
C.'s M. (suddenly enlightened). A Suck-a-thumb? … you, Conrad?
C. (desperately). Ay, – from birth!

[Profound silence, as Mother and Son face one another. The knocking is renewed.

C.'s M. Oh, this is horrible – it must not be!
I'll shoot the bolt and barricade the door.

[Conradplaces himself before it, and addresses his Mother in a tone of incisive irony.

Con. Why, where is all the zeal you showed of late?
Is't thus that you the Roman Matron play?
Trick not a statute of your own devising.
Come, your official's waiting – let him in!

[C's M. shrinks back appalled.

So? you refuse! – (throwing open door) – then – enter, Scissorman!

[Enter the Scissorman, masked and in red tights, with his hand upon the hilt of his shears.

The S. (in a passionless tone). Though sorry to create unpleasantness,
I claim the thumbs of this young gentleman,
Which these own eyes have marked between his lips.
C.'s M. (frantically). Thou minion of a meddling tyranny,
Go exercise thy loathsome trade elsewhere!
The S. (civilly). I've duties here that must be first performed.
C.'s M. (wildly). Take my two thumbs for his!
The S.'Tis not the law —
Which is a model of lucidity.
Con. (calmly). Sir, you speak well. My thumbs are forfeited,
And they alone must pay the penalty.
The S. (with approval). Right! Step with me into the outer hall,
And have the business done without delay.
C.'s M. (throwing herself between them.) Stay, I'm a
Councillor – this law was mine!
Hereby I do suspend the clause I drew.
The S. You should have drawn it milder.
Con. Must I teach
A parent laws were meant to be obeyed?
[To Sc.] Lead on, Sir. (To his Mother with cold courtesy.)Madam, – may I trouble you?

[He thrusts her gently aside and passes out with the Sc.; the door is shut and fastened from without. C.'s M. rushes to door which she attempts to force without success.

C.'s M. In vain I batter at a senseless door,
I'll to the keyhole train my tortured ear.
(Listening.)Dead silence! … is it over – or, to come?
Hark! was not that the click of meeting shears?..
Again! and followed by the sullen thud
Of thumbs that drop upon linoleum!..

[The door is opened and Conradappears, pale but erect.N.B. The whole of this scene has been compared to one in "La Tosca" – which, however, it exceeds in horror and intensity.

C.'s M. They send him back to me, bereft of both!
My Conrad! What? – repulse a Mother's Arms!
Con. (with chilling composure). Yes, Madam, for between us ever more,
A barrier invisible is raised,
And should I strive to reach those arms again,
Two spectral thumbs would press me coldly back —
The thumbs I sucked in blissful ignorance,
The thumbs that solaced me in solitude,
The thumbs your County Council took from me,
And your endearments scarcely will replace!
Where, Madam, lay the sin in sucking them?
The dog will lick his foot, the cat her claw,
His paws sustain the hibernating bear —
And you decree no law to punish them!
Yet, in your rage for infantine reform,
You rushed this most ridiculous enactment —
Its earliest victim – your neglected son!
C.'s M. (falling at his feet). Say,Conrad, you will some day pardon me?
Con. (bitterly, as he regards his maimed hands.) Aye – on the day these pollards send forth shoots!