Kitabı oku: «Are You the One for Me?»

I dedicate this book to my mother, Phyllis Garshman, and my stepfather, Daniel Garshman

For loving me unconditionally, for always being

there when I needed you and for showing me, by

your example, how wonderful love can be when

you’re with the right person.

Contents

Title Page

Dedication

UNDERSTANDING YOUR LOVE CHOICES

1 Love Is Not Enough

2 Why We Choose the People We Love

3 Falling in Love for All the Wrong Reasons

4 The Six Biggest Mistakes We Make in the Beginning of a Relationship

AVOIDING WHO’S WRONG

5 The Ten Types of Relationships That Won’t Work

6 Fatal Flaws

7 Compatibility Time Bombs

KNOWING WHO’S RIGHT

8 Six Qualities to Look For in a Mate

9 Sexual Chemistry: What Turns You On and What Doesn’t

10 Compatibility: Finding Out Who’s Right for You

11 Commitment: Making and Keeping One When it’s Right and Letting Go When it’s Wrong

12 The Adventure of Love

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Also by Barbara de Angelis

Copyright

About the Publisher

You are lying in the dark next to the person you love. You can tell by his breathing that he’s asleep, and as you gaze at the outlines of his face, you wonder about the future of this relationship. You know he wants to marry you. You love him; you can’t imagine living without him, but the thought of marrying him scares you to death. What if you make the commitment and find out later that there’s someone you’re more compatible with? How can you be sure he’s really the one for you?

You and your husband are eating pizza and watching a movie on television. This is the first chance you’ve had to be alone together all week. It’s hard to believe that next month will be your tenth wedding anniversary. It’s been a good ten years, and although there are no big problems in the marriage, sometimes you wonder if you made the right choice. You love him, but don’t feel as ‘in love’ as when you met. You glance over at him sitting on the couch and ask yourself whether you’re really fulfilled, or just ‘comfortable.’ Would you be happier with someone else? Is he really your perfect partner?

You’re sitting in your attorney’s office, looking down at your divorce papers. Once you sign them, your marriage will be officially over. The pen trembles in your hand, and your eyes fill with tears as dozens of memories flood into your mind: the first time he kissed you; the night he asked you to marry him; the joy you felt on your wedding day; the fun you had fixing up your first home; the closeness you felt when your children were born; the safety you felt in his arms; the hopes and dreams and plans for the future. Never in your wildest dreams did you imagine that it would turn out this way. You were so sure it would work, so confident that he was the right person for you. But now, as your signature severs the marriage forever, you ask yourself, ‘Why didn’t I see it? How could I have known it wouldn’t last? Why did I make the wrong choice?’

Falling in love is a magical and powerful experience. Each kiss, each conversation, each moment in the beginning seems so right, so perfect. But soon attraction and infatuation become a ‘relationship,’ and we are brought down to earth with the challenging realities of sharing our life with another human being. And as those first enchanted weeks turn into months, one day we find ourselves asking: ‘Is this person right for me?’

If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you’ve asked yourself this question—before you made a commitment, before you got married, or, if the relationship didn’t work, before you decided to leave for good.

I used to hear this question every day when I had a radio talk show in Los Angeles. I received more phone calls about this problem than any other.

‘I love my boyfriend, but I’m afraid to make a commitment and marry him. What if I meet someone I love more in a few years? How can I tell if we’re compatible enough?’

‘I’ve been dating a woman for two years, but she has children I don’t get along with. Do you think this relationship can work?’

‘My husband and I argue all the time. He refuses to go to counseling and we hardly ever have sex anymore. I love him and don’t want to hurt the children, but I’m totally miserable How can I be sure it’s really over before I leave?’

‘I’ve just come out of a very painful relationship. I want to find a partner to share my life with, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again How can I tell the next time if I’m with someone who is wrong for me before my heart gets broken?’

I understand the pain and turmoil these people are going through, because I’ve been through it, too. Since my first serious relationship at seventeen, and, until recently, I fell in love without giving serious consideration to whether the person was right for me, let alone whether they loved me enough. Someone showed up, and if he had something lovable about him, I would start a relationship. I’d convince myself he was ‘the one’ only to find out that we were incompatible and watch the relationship fail. Then I would feel sorry for myself and wonder what I was doing wrong.

After too many heartbreaks, I was forced to face the sad truth: In spite of my experience, education, and my intense desire to be happy, I continually chose partners who were not right for me. I was falling in love with the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

I’m happy to say, I’ve spent the past five years of my life learning how to help myself and others make better love choices, and the results have been truly amazing. When it was time to choose a topic for my third book, I knew right away what it would be. My first two books were about how to love; this book is about whom to love. It’s about knowing when someone is right for you, and avoiding those who are wrong. I hope that what you learn in this book will give you the understanding and support you need to create the passionate and fulfilling relationship you deserve.

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND?

We all want to be happy in our love life, and we want our relationships to work. So, obviously, none of us deliberately sets out to choose partners who are wrong for us. We truly believe we are making the right decision when we select a mate. But the sad reality is that, more often than not, those choices turn out to be painful mistakes.

MANY OF US ARE CHOOSING THE WRONG PARTNERS AND WONDERING WHY OUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT WORKING.

Have you ever thought or said the following about one of your relationships?

‘How could I have been so blind? Why didn’t I see what he/she was really like?’

‘I felt so sure that, this time, it would work. Where did I go wrong?’

‘He seemed so wonderful when we first met. I can’t figure out why he changed into someone I can’t stand.’

‘All the signs were there from the beginning that she didn’t feel the way I did. I guess I just ignored them and convinced myself things would get better.’

‘We loved each other, but we couldn’t agree on anything, and all we did was argue.’

‘I was so sure he was different from the other men I’d been with. It took me almost two years to find out that I’d picked the same type of guy all over again! How could I have wasted so much time?’

‘I remember feeling really in love with her at the time, but the truth is, I never told anyone we were together because I was embarrassed to admit I was even involved with a woman like that.’

‘Everything about him seemed so perfect; I kept telling myself that I should be happy with him, but there just wasn’t any chemistry between us.’

There is an old saying, ‘Hindsight has 20/20 vision.’ It’s always so much easier to look back and see things clearly that we could not see at all then. It’s much easier to be wiser about the mistakes we made yesterday than the ones we are in the process of making today. Yet, I’ve always lived by the philosophy that there are no ‘mistakes’—only opportunities for growth and learning. And learning from the past gives meaning, and even purpose, to some of the pain and heartache collected along the way.

This book contains everything I have learned about choosing the right partner, from my own experiences and those of the men and women I have counseled and worked with. It’s about understanding why you make the love choices you do, and learning how to make more fulfilling ones. It answers the questions, ‘How could I have been so blind?’ and ‘How can I tell if I’m with the right person?’ and hopefully will give you the vision you need to see the truth about your own love life.

IF YOU ARE SINGLE, I hope this book will give you tools and guidelines for making healthy, successful choices in your partner for your next relationship.

IF YOU ARE RECOVERING FROM A BROKEN HEART, I hope this book will help you understand why your relationship choices were not good ones for you, and will give you information that will help you make much wiser and less painful choices next time.

IF YOU ARE UNMARRIED BUT IN A RELATIONSHIP, I hope this book will support you in getting clear about whether your relationship is right for you, so you don’t have to waste time and energy on a relationship that won’t work.

IF YOU ARE IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIAGE, I hope this book will show you that many of the conflicts you and your partner experience may stem not from lack of love, but lack of compatibility, and that understanding your differences can help you live more peacefully and passionately together.

WHY SOME RELATIONSHIPS DON’T WORK

Relationships don’t work for one of two reasons:

1. You are with the right person but you are loving wrong.

You and your partner have poor communication habits.

You don’t know how to create real intimacy.

You don’t ask for what you want, and end up feeling resentful.

You neglect the relationship.

or

2. You are with the wrong person.

Your love or life-style is incompatible with your partner’s.

You do not share enough common values and commitments.

Your partner has ‘fatal flaws’ that make having a successful relationship impossible.

You can’t give each other enough of what you need.

Several years ago I wrote my first book, How to Make Love All the Time, as a manual to help people learn how to love one another in a way that creates healthy, passionate, fulfilling relationships. The book was really about how to stop loving the wrong way and start loving the right way, reason number one above. But that information, as valuable as it has been to millions of my readers around the world, is incomplete without the material I’ve included in this book, because if you are loving the wrong person, loving the right way won’t make a difference.

WHOM YOU CHOOSE TO LOVE IS AS IMPORTANT AS HOW YOU CHOOSE TO LOVE.

WHY WE FALL IN LOVE

Ask most people why they fell in love with their partners, past or present, and you’ll probably hear answers like this:

‘I met Kathy at the gym where I work out. Something about the way she got so into that aerobics class and gave it so much energy really appealed to me.’

‘Donna was a bridesmaid at my cousin’s wedding. She looked so beautiful in this pink strapless dress—I knew on the spot I was going to fall in love with her.’

‘Jo Anne and I knew each other since we were kids. Everyone always said we’d probably get married when we grew up, and I guess I never even questioned it—it seemed like the right thing to do.’

‘Alex and I were assigned to work together on a project in our office. I think it was watching him problem-solve—he is so creative—that attracted me to him.’

‘I’ve always been a sucker for music, so when I heard Fred play the guitar at a friend’s house, I knew he was the one for me.’

‘This sounds terrible, but I always had this fantasy of a tall, dark-haired man with a mustache. Dennis looked exactly like that, and nothing else really mattered.’

‘My ex-husband was so selfish and controlling. After my divorce, I think I was attracted to Stan because he was such a nice guy. He always seemed so sweet and considerate.’

These may seem like good reasons to start a relationship, but they are NOT.

All Kathy’s boyfriend knows about her is that she has a lot of physical energy.

All Donna’s boyfriend knows about her is that she looks good in pink chiffon.

Jo Anne’s husband has been so influenced by what his friends and family think that he doesn’t even know why he loves her.

Alex’s girlfriend is enthralled with his business skills but has no idea what his emotional skills are.

Fred’s partner has fallen under a musical spell—she knows nothing about him except for the romantic personality she assumes all guitar players have.

Dennis’s girlfriend likes the way he looks—she is attracted to a fantasy, but doesn’t know anything about the person underneath.

And all Stan’s wife knows is that Stan is definitely different from her ex-husband. But whether he is what she wants and needs is a different story.

None of these people thought they were making the wrong decision. They all sincerely believed that they were making intelligent, sensible choices in their partners. But the frightening truth is that many of them will discover in a month, or six months, or six years that they are in a relationship with the wrong person.

MOST PEOPLE PUT MORE TIME AND EFFORT INTO DECIDING WHAT KIND OF CAR OR VIDEO PLAYER TO BUY THAN THEY DO INTO DECIDING WHOM TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH.

Is it any wonder, then, that our relationships don’t turn out the way we want them to, that our hopes and dreams turn into heartache, disappointment, and despair?

TEST YOUR LOVE IQ

Part of the reason why so many people choose to be in a relationship with the wrong person is that they have what I call a low ‘Love IQ.’ Your Love IQ is based on how much you know about creating and maintaining a healthy relationship with another person. Therefore, whether your Love IQ is high or low determines how good or how bad your choice in partner will be. If you have a high Love IQ and are ‘Love Smart,’ you will probably still make some mistakes in love, but not as many as if you have a low Love IQ. Then you are ‘Love Stupid.’

Here is a quiz to help you determine your Love IQ. It contains ten statements about love. Grade yourself according to how much each statement describes the way you have felt about love, now or in the past, and how often this belief has affected your life.

If the belief about how love should feel expressed in the statement has affected you in your past or present relationships:

Very frequently..................Give yourself 0 points

Often...................................Give yourself 4 points

Occasionally.......................Give yourself 8 points

Rarely or never.................Give yourself 10 points

WARNING: You will be tempted to take this quiz from the perspective of how you think you should feel about love and romance, instead of being honest about how you actually felt in your past. Don’t respond to each statement only on the basis of your present attitudes and all you have learned; respond honestly, based on a summary of all of your relationships throughout your life.

Why is this important? For instance, let’s take the first statement in the quiz:

‘If my partner and I really love one another enough, none of our problems or personality differences will threaten the existence of our relationship.’

Perhaps you’re in a new relationship, where, for the first time, you’re being honest about problems rather than avoiding them. You might feel that this statement doesn’t apply to how you feel now at all. You want to answer ‘Rarely or Never’ and give yourself a quick 10 points. But let’s say that in your previous relationships, you’ve ignored conflicts and flaws by telling yourself you loved the person so much that none of his or her hurtful or unloving behavior mattered. From that point of view, this statement applies very much to how you felt. So you should answer ‘Very Frequently’ and give yourself 0 points! The reason you may be tempted to answer from the point of view of your new understanding of love, rather than how your relationships have really been in the past, could be that you just don’t want to appear unenlightened or messed up. As a member of my office put it, ‘Can’t I just answer from the past six months of my life? Do I have to include all those years when I didn’t know what I was doing?’ My answer is, ‘If you want to be honest with yourself, and learn from your mistakes, yes you must include your past.’

YOUR LOVE IQ QUIZ

1 If my partner and I really love one another enough, none of our problems or personality differences will threaten the existence of our relationship.

2 If I am finally with the right person, I won’t ever be really attracted to someone else, because I will be so in love.

3 If it’s really true love, I’d know the moment I see the person for the first time.

4 The right relationship will always be interesting and exciting.

5 If it’s really true love, I won’t feel complete and whole when I’m not with my partner.

6 The sex in a relationship can’t be really fabulous unless it is true love.

7 My perfect partner will give me everything I need and will fill in all the empty spaces in my life—I won’t really need anyone else.

8 If I’m really in love, I’ll feel excited and nervous each time I see my partner; being with him/her will give me goose bumps.

9 If I’m with the right person, we will be so in tune with each other, we’ll always know how the other person is feeling.

10 If I’m in the right relationship, it will feel naturally harmonious, and we won’t have to work that hard to make it work.

Now total up your points:

80–100 Points: Congratulations! You have a high love IQ. You are realistic in your understanding of relationships and realize that love is not enough to make a relationship work—it takes communication, compatibility, and hard work. To avoid future problems, work on those areas in which you have a low score.

60–79 Points: Your love IQ isn’t bad, but it could be better. You are still letting your romantic ideals and fantasies determine your attitudes about relationships. Pay more attention to how you are feeling and not to how you want the relationship to look. Don’t be so afraid of conflict. Remind yourself that true love doesn’t mean things have to be ‘perfect’ all the time. The exercises in this book will help you raise your Love IQ.

40–59 Points: Warning! Your Love IQ is dangerously low, but you probably already know this because you have been hurt so much in relationships. The reason you continue to be disappointed in love is that you don’t pay enough attention to whom you are with. You put your partners on a pedestal and are more ‘in love with love’ than with them. If you want to stop suffering and be happier, you will need to make some major changes in the way you choose and behave in relationships. Use the information in the rest of this book to become much smarter about love.

0–39 Points: Emergency! Your Love IQ is so low that you are guaranteed to get your heart broken over and over again. Your love life needs immediate attention. It’s time to grow up and leave your fantasy world behind. Your relationships can work, but only if you commit yourself to understanding what you’ve been doing wrong and learn how to make better choices for yourself. Stop blaming the partners who have let you down and take a good, hard look at how you set up relationships to fail from the beginning. The rest of this book will help you find the answers you need to create healthy relationships.

If you ended up with a very low Love IQ, don’t feel too badly. When I first devised this quiz and took it myself, I scored a meager 28 points! Obviously I knew that these ten statements about love were unhealthy attitudes, but I tried to be totally honest with myself about how I have viewed love in my past, and that’s how I scored 28 points. By the time you finish reading this book, your Love IQ will be much higher and your confidence in your ability to make successful love choices will be much greater.