Kitabı oku: «Forever Her Hero»

Chapter One

Sawyer Trask had been back in Buzzards Bay for two days now. Although he’d stopped on occasion to grab a bite to eat and check in with his team, he’d been in sleep mode ever since he settled in to his new home. He’d slept for a solid fourteen hours straight, which was a record for him. Everything had caught up with him at once—jet lag, being overseas for an extended period of time and his illness. When he finally awakened he’d stepped out onto his parapet just in time to spot Ava Trask walking the path from the beach up to her cottage.

From the first moment he laid eyes on her, something inside him had cracked wide open. He hadn’t expected such an overwhelming feeling, but there it was, settled firmly around his heart. It had been a year since he’d seen her. Three hundred and forty-four days since he’d heard her sweet voice.

Sawyer didn’t stop to analyze the emotions coursing through him—guilt, attraction, regret? An inner voice had urged him to walk over to the cottage and announce his return, because he knew that the longer he waited, the more difficult it would be to confront the situation head-on. Knowing Ava as well as he did, he could only imagine her stunned reaction.

She was way more beautiful than he remembered, a million times more exotic and appealing. Miles and miles away from the scrawny, plucky tomboy who’d quickly befriended the new kid in town. From the moment she’d reached out to him in the sweetest act of friendship he’d ever known, they’d been as thick as thieves. Ava and Sawyer. In Buzzards Bay their names had been blurred together as if they were one. Partners in crime. Swashbucklers. Pirates. She was so familiar to him, yet everything about her now seemed so foreign. He’d caught a glimpse of her as she took her morning jog across the beach, stood transfixed as she frolicked with the family dog and marveled at the way she played with the twins. His cousin Billy’s children. Casey and Dahlia. Dolly, for short. They were six years old, on the cusp of turning seven. Their birthday was coming up in two months. It would be their second one without their father, with dozens of birthdays stretched out before them. A lifetime of events, he thought grimly. Years of special occasions without the man who’d given them life by their side, cheering them on and providing them with guidance.

There was something about the three of them playing on the beach with their dog that pulled at him. They looked like the picture-perfect family, he thought. Minus one. A stab of guilt pierced his heart as his eyes roamed over the family. He wanted to reach out and touch them, to nurture them in any way he could. After all, they were the reason he’d come back. What he really wanted was to be able to give them back every ounce of what had been taken from them. But he couldn’t. Some things couldn’t be fixed.

Returning home wasn’t going to be a cakewalk. He was coming back to the grim reality of what had happened two years ago. It meant acknowledging the way he’d run away like a coward rather than confront his own feelings. He’d have to deal with the lingering grief blanketing his loved ones. And the shadow of guilt that still hung over him. But he was stronger now and more determined than ever. He’d come back to Buzzards Bay with a purpose, one that required commitment and follow-through. It was time to uphold his sacred promise to his cousin. Not another day would go by without him being present in Dolly’s and Casey’s lives. And somehow he needed to tell Ava about his role in her husband’s death. He just hoped it wouldn’t mean she’d want nothing more to do with him ever again.

* * *

“Tully!” Ava ran down the beach at breakneck speed, her steps slowed down by the gravitational pull of the sand. The sand didn’t seem to be slowing down her chocolate Lab puppy as he bounded toward the water. Just as Tully placed his paws in the ocean, she reached down and scooped him up into her arms, nestling him against her chest the same way she’d cradled her babies.

Ava took a deep breath, her nostrils filling with sea air as she struggled to catch her breath. Whew! When had she gotten so out of shape? She used to be able to run the length of this beach without breaking a sweat. She smiled at the memory of Billy pulling her in his arms after she walked into the kitchen after a five-mile run, her body covered with a light mist of sweat. When she’d pulled away from him and told him she needed a shower, he’d drawn her back, bathing her in kisses as he waltzed with her in the kitchen. He loved me, she thought, warts and all. And she’d loved him the same way, even when it seemed almost impossible to keep loving that man.

The twins came running after her, their tiny feet nearly swallowed up by the sand. “You caught him, Mama,” Casey shouted. “You sure moved fast.”

“I had to move quickly.” Ava nuzzled Tully’s face, earning herself slobbery kisses in return.

“Mama, I saw a man over there.” Dolly pointed a chubby finger toward the horizon, and for a moment it seemed to Ava as if her daughter was pointing toward the sky.

“Where, baby?” she asked, craning her neck upward.

“At the lighthouse.”

“Nuh-uh. No one lives there,” said Casey with an emphatic nod of his head.

“Does so. I saw him.” Dolly leaned in toward Casey, her hands perched on her hips.

“Does not, tattle baby.” Casey leaned in, as well, so that they were standing nose-to-nose.

“Does so, stinky pants.”

“Stop! Stop!” Ava held up her hands to ward off the war of words between the twins. With her kids it only took seconds for things to spiral out of control. Next thing you knew they’d be rolling around in the sand like miniwrestlers. “Twin rule number one. Be respectful of each other. Everyone has their right to an opinion.”

“I did so see a man there. He was walking around at the tippy top of the lighthouse when Auntie took us for a walk yesterday.” Dolly’s arms were folded across her chest, and she was glaring at her brother.

“Nope. I didn’t see a man up there.” Casey thrust out his lower lip, his voice sounding emphatic. “The only time I seen a man up there was when Mr. P lived there.” A sad look shadowed Casey’s face. “And Mr. P died just like Daddy. We’re not gonna see neither of them ever, ever, ever again.”

A solemn look passed over Dolly’s face. “But we can see them in our dreams, Casey. And one day we’ll see them in Heaven.”

“Heaven must be awesome,” Casey said with a sigh. “I wanna go there.”

Ava bent down till she was level with her son, then tweaked him playfully on the nose. With his walnut-colored skin, expressive eyes and adorable dimples, his resemblance to his father never failed to amaze her. Dolly, on the other hand, looked like a mini version of her, down to her hazel eyes and the cleft in her chin.

“You won’t be going to visit until you’re a very old man. You’ve got lots to do before you see Heaven.”

Dolly’s chin sank down onto her chest, and she began to sniffle. “Daddy had lots to do, but God still took him.”

“I know, baby. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? The only thing I can figure is that God needed him up there by His side.”

She patted Dolly on the back and began a slow, rhythmic rubbing between her shoulder blades. It was a technique she’d used on her daughter ever since she was a baby in the cradle. Dolly was the sensitive, caring twin, while Casey was the more rambunctious, playful one. Regardless, they both missed their father and were still seeking an answer as to why he’d been taken from them. And they weren’t the only ones, she reminded herself. Two years after her husband’s death she was still struggling with the tragic event that had taken Billy’s life. She still asked herself over and over again if she could have done anything to prevent it.

Tears misted Ava’s eyes as she fought back another wave of sadness. When did it end? When did the mourning fade away? When would she be strong enough to let this grief pass over her? Everyone told her it was a process, one she’d walk through in her own time. But she still missed him, still grieved the love they’d shared. Perhaps she would always feel this way, she realized, as if a piece of her had been taken along with her Billy.

She knew some of it was guilt. If she’d gotten him the help he so desperately needed for his drinking, would he have been out on the water that day? Would things have spiraled so badly out of control if Billy hadn’t been under the influence?

Lord, please give me the courage to move past Billy’s death. Give me the grace to think about our life together without bitterness or regret. Allow me to focus on the good things and not dwell on the bad. Help me raise my two children to be strong and resilient. Please, Lord, help me heal.

She looked up at the lighthouse just in time to see a figure standing on the parapet, then quickly dart out of view. Dolly was right! Someone was there in the lighthouse, and from the looks of it, he’d been watching them.

* * *

Sawyer sprinted down the steps and dashed out the front door into the crisp Cape Cod sunshine, his movements agile and quick. He’d watched from the window as the chocolate Lab got away from Ava for a second time. From the looks of it, she’d been too preoccupied with the kids to notice the Lab’s escape until it was too late.

As soon as he reached the beach, the sand became a challenge. He felt as if he were running in quicksand. He’d sprinted along this beach hundreds of times. As a kid he was the one all the others had tried to beat as they raced from the lighthouse to the rocks. More times than not he’d been the winner.

He zigzagged across the sand, following the trail blazed by the chocolate Lab. Using every ounce of energy he possessed, he gave it a final push. He reached down and scooped up the furry blob just as he reached the water’s edge, cradling the puppy in his arms like a football. Bending over at the waist, he took a moment to catch his breath. When he finally turned around, Ava was a few feet away from him, appearing winded and slightly annoyed.

She stopped in her tracks abruptly, her mouth hanging open in shock at the sight of him. She was achingly beautiful. With her café au lait skin, brilliant hazel eyes and chocolate-brown hair, she could easily have graced the covers of magazines. Her athletic build spoke of her love of running and healthy lifestyle. In all the time he’d known her, he’d been able to gauge her feelings with just one look.

At the moment her eyes were stormy with emotion. Surprise. Anger. Confusion.

“Sawyer? What are you doing here?” she asked.

He walked toward her, easily closing the gap between them. The puppy was still snuggled in his arms, worn-out from his mad dash across the beach. He was making little panting noises, his body heaving with the effort.

“The mission ended. I’m back in town for good, Ava.” He mindlessly patted the puppy, trying to soothe his soft whimpers. He watched her carefully, anxious to see her reaction to his news. She tensed up. Her mouth was set in a firm line while her eyes glittered dangerously. Sawyer knew her well enough to know the warning signs. If he had any sense he would run for cover. Without a word, Ava reached out and snatched the puppy from his arms.

“Welcome back, Sawyer,” she spit out. “If I’d known you were coming I would have thrown you a party. Forgive me for not rolling out the red carpet.”

He let out a pent-up sigh. “I know you’re upset with me, but I’d like to see the kids, to help you any way I can.”

“Help me?” She bristled. “The same way you helped me after Billy died? ’Cause from what I remember you were a rock for the first year, until you took off for parts unknown and stayed gone this whole time.”

He gritted his teeth, uncomfortable with her angry stance. “The coast guard sent me to Africa on a global partnership mission. I couldn’t tell you where I was going before I left, Ava. Those missions are classified.”

She juggled the puppy in her arms as she attached the leash to his collar. “It’s been a year since you left. One whole year. The twins have asked about you nonstop, and I kept telling them you’d be back, that their uncle wouldn’t stay away for long. And guess what?” she exploded. “They finally stopped asking about you, because as faithful and trusting as kids are, even they can’t continue to believe in something that doesn’t exist!”

He hung his head, not wanting to see the hurt in Ava’s eyes. He could hear it ringing out in her voice. Seeing it would bring him to his knees. The thought of causing Ava and the twins pain was agonizing. When he’d left Cape Cod it had been an act of self-preservation, an attempt to extinguish all the guilt he’d felt over his cousin’s death and to get his life back on track. In the end, running away had only made things worse, since thoughts of Ava and the kids had relentlessly followed him.

“I know I shouldn’t have taken the assignment. I should have stayed right here where I belong. Believe me, if I could go back and change things, I would.” It was the closest he’d come to apologizing to her. He should have told her sooner, perhaps written her a heartfelt letter. There was so much more lying under the surface, things that both of them had always chosen to ignore. They were part of the reason he’d left and why he’d chosen to stay out of contact with her, even though he’d sent half a dozen postcards and packages to the kids. But it was far too soon for him to start digging up the past. For now, all he wanted to do was extend an olive branch.

“Well, Billy always said your job was the most important thing to you,” she said crisply. “I guess you proved him right.”

Ava turned her back on him and began walking down the beach toward her house. He could see Casey and Dolly in the distance, darting among the waves crashing toward the shore. More than anything he wanted to see them, to spin them around in his arms and tell them how much he’d missed them. But he couldn’t. He didn’t know if he had the right to just walk back into their lives, especially since their mother wasn’t rolling out the welcome mat.

For all he knew the twins no longer remembered him. In a child’s life, a year was a lifetime. He didn’t want to believe they could so easily forget all the campouts on the beach, the sailing lessons or the trips to the aquarium at Woods Hole. Since the day they were born he’d loved them more than he could put into words. It would be painful to see a blank look on their faces. Even if their memories of him had faded, he still intended to be a permanent fixture in their lives from this point forward. He wasn’t going anywhere, not ever again.

Lord, please let me help Ava and the kids any way I can. Let me make up for any pain I’ve caused them and help them continue to heal. And please give me the strength to stay on course and not run away from overwhelming feelings. Lord, give me strength.

As he watched Ava take the twins by the hand and lead them across the beach to the stone path leading to their house, he felt a huge sense of loss wash over him. How many times had he sat on this beach with Billy and watched the kids make sand castles? How many times had he walked the stone path with Ava? There was so much he had to say to her in order to make things right between them.

There’s no time like the present, a little voice buzzed in his ear. Why shouldn’t he follow them up to the house? Even though Ava was still bitter about his having left Cape Cod, he needed to get a few things straight with her. He needed to make her understand that accepting the assignment in Africa didn’t mean he’d abandoned them. And before she found out from someone else, he needed to tell her that he was the proud owner of a lighthouse and her new next-door neighbor.

* * *

Ava opened the back door of her house with trembling fingers. She was breathing hard, her chest rising and falling in an uneven rhythm as chaotic thoughts swirled in her head. Her palms were damp. She reminded herself to breathe in and out, slowly and evenly. As she ushered the kids through the door, she barely noticed their sandy feet and the dirty beach toys they’d brought inside. Feeling a bit dazed, she deposited Tully on the floor and began filling up his water bowl. She was just going through the motions. Her thoughts were all jumbled and unfocused. All she could think about was what had just happened on the beach. All she could focus on was Sawyer.

Seeing him standing there on the beach holding her puppy in his arms had been a shock. It had felt like a jolt to the system. He was still so ruggedly handsome with a leanly muscled build, broad shoulders, chocolate-brown eyes and warm, caramel-colored skin. His features were no less arresting than they’d always been—sharp, high cheekbones and wide, almond-shaped eyes.

She’d already replayed their encounter several times in her mind. And despite the anger that continued to course through her, she felt guilty about the way she’d treated him. It wasn’t like her to be snotty and rude. It wasn’t like her to turn her back on someone and walk away. But she’d been holding on to this anger for so long it was now bubbling over, unable to be contained.

Sawyer was back in Buzzards Bay! He was home! A little burst of happiness flowed through her as the knowledge settled in around her heart that he was finally back home. That first moment of recognition when she’d locked gazes with him had been full of mixed emotions. Her initial reaction upon realizing it was him had been joy. Her second emotion had been pure, unbridled rage. How dare he just show up on the beach without a care in the world after a whole year of being gone? Didn’t he know what his absence had done to her family? Hadn’t he realized how deeply they’d missed him? How she had been lost without her best friend?

The intensity of her feelings frightened her. She was always so reserved and contained with her emotions. It was rare that she showed her innermost feelings. But leave it to Sawyer to drag it to the surface. Ever since they were kids he’d possessed a knack for bringing out her intense side. From the first day they met he’d infuriated her, frustrated her, left her teary-eyed and somehow wedged himself firmly inside her heart.

After digging through the odds-and-ends drawer beneath her kitchen counter, she found the one thing she knew would soothe her. For the past two years she’d been a cross-stitch enthusiast. Not only did it appeal to her artistic side, but it helped her deal with stress. And her panic attacks. As she began making X shapes on the cloth, she found herself relaxing. She took a deep breath and then exhaled, closing her eyes and sending up a prayer to God.

A knock sounded at the back door, pulling her away from prayer and thoughts of Sawyer. Dolly and Casey were sitting at the counter snacking on grapes and playing rock, paper, scissors. Dolly slid down from her stool and ran toward the back door, answering the knock before Ava could admonish her about opening it before she knew who was outside. She pulled the door wide, and Sawyer was standing there in the doorway, his six-foot frame dwarfing her baby girl.

“You look like my daddy,” Dolly announced in a voice filled with awe.

“Yeah, people used to tell me that all the time when I was growing up, but I never believed them,” Sawyer said with a grin. “Do you remember me?”

“I think so,” Dolly answered in a hesitant voice, turning toward Ava for reassurance. Ava nodded and smiled at her daughter, letting her know it was okay to talk to Sawyer.

“You’re my uncle Sawyer!” Dolly said triumphantly. She reached for Sawyer’s hand and pulled him over the threshold until he was standing inside the kitchen. Sawyer reached behind him and pushed the door closed.

Dolly’s brown eyes went wide. “Mommy said you went away to the other side of the world. Casey said you weren’t ever coming back, just like Daddy.”

Ava’s heart sank at the mournful tone in her daughter’s voice. How in the world hadn’t she known the twins had written Sawyer off as dead? Had she been so wrapped up in her own grief and pain she’d neglected to notice their losses, their suffering?

“I was gone for a long time,” Sawyer acknowledged, looking over at Ava with eyes full of regret. “But I’m back now for good.”

He reached out and tugged at one of Dolly’s pigtails. She let out a squeal of excitement. When Sawyer held up his hand for a high five, Dolly slapped his palm with her own. Sawyer winced and shook his hand as if Dolly had hurt him. She beamed up at him, showcasing her missing front teeth.

Something inside Ava melted a little bit. The kids sorely needed a male presence in their lives. They would benefit by having their uncle Sawyer back in Cape Cod. Admitting her family needed him didn’t change the slow burn eating its way through her.

“Casey. Come say hello to Uncle Sawyer,” Ava said, noticing the way her son was studiously ignoring Sawyer. For a boy who never seemed to miss a thing, it was impossible to believe he was oblivious of Sawyer’s arrival at their home. She suspected her son was playing possum.

Casey continued to sit at the table playing with his grapes, his eyes downcast. He made no attempt to get up from his stool or to speak to Sawyer.

“Casey!” Ava said in a warning tone. “Did you hear me?”

“Hey, buddy.” Sawyer’s tone was playful as he walked over to Casey. “How’s it going?”

Finally, Casey looked up at Sawyer, his eyes glistening with an anger that made her want to wrap her arms around her son and soothe his heartbreak. He’d had so many losses in the past few years, too many to wrap his six-year-old head around. Everything he was feeling radiated from his eyes.

“You told us you’d be coming right back! You don’t keep your promises,” Casey shouted.

She saw Sawyer wince, and she knew Casey, in all his childish fury, had wounded him.

“Casey Trask!” Ava scolded. “You watch your tone of voice in this house. Apologize to your uncle.”

Casey folded his arms across his chest. His lower lip stuck out in a pout. “I’m sorry,” he apologized in a begrudging voice. “But you were gone for three hundred and forty-four days!” Casey announced. “That’s almost a whole year.”

“He marked it on a calendar.” Dolly’s tone was filled with pride. “And I helped him.”

Ava’s heart sank. Marking days on calendars? She’d had no idea the twins had been tracking Sawyer’s absence. What kind of mother had she turned into over the past two years? Yes, in the beginning she’d been aware that they missed him terribly, but as the weeks turned into months they seemed almost indifferent to his absence. It was as if they’d forgotten him, and for some reason she hadn’t done anything to solidify Sawyer’s memory in their minds. She’d been so furious with him for leaving them, so incredibly wounded, a part of her had told herself Sawyer deserved to be forgotten. A feeling of shame trickled through her at the realization. After everything they’d been through together, she had owed him more than that.

“Do you two know what a mission is?” Sawyer asked the children. Both of them nodded, showing they didn’t have a clue. “It’s something very important that helps a lot of people,” he explained. “That’s what I was doing over in Africa. A lot of people were depending on me to help them.”

“So you like those people better than you like us.” Casey’s arms were folded across his chest, and his words sounded accusatory.

“There’s no one in this world I like better than the two of you.” He bent down and went nose-to-nose with Casey. “I’m not going anywhere, Casey. I promise you. I’m back in town to stay.”

“Prove it!” Casey demanded. “When I do something bad to Dolly, Mommy says the best way to show I’m sorry is by my actions.”

Sawyer crossed his arms across his chest. “Oh, you want proof? Okay, come outside with me and I’ll give you proof.”

Sawyer quickly walked toward the back door, with Casey on his heels and Dolly trailing behind them. Filled with curiosity, Ava followed behind them, her interest piqued as Sawyer made his way to the edge of the property. He walked right up to the white picket fence that separated their property from the cliff and the beach down below. From this vantage point they had a bird’s-eye view of miles and miles of ocean and the vast expanse of sandy beach.

Sawyer pointed in the direction of the lighthouse. “Do you know who lives there?” he asked the twins.

They both nodded. “That’s Mr. P’s house,” Dolly chirped. “Except he went to Heaven.”

Sawyer smiled. “Nope. That is not Mr. P’s house. Not anymore.”

Ava could see the confusion on the children’s faces, and it mirrored her own bewilderment. What in the world was Sawyer trying to prove by bringing them outside and showing them the lighthouse? Casey and Dolly were still grappling with Mr. P’s passing. She hoped there was a method to Sawyer’s madness other than reminding the twins of yet another loss.

Sawyer stood there with his arms folded across his chest, a huge smile taking over his face. “I am now the proud owner of Mr. P’s lighthouse.”

“You mean you live there?” Casey asked, eyes wide with amazement.

He nodded enthusiastically, a pleased-with-himself grin etched on his face. “Yep. I live there, Casey. Right next door to you.”

Ava let out a gasp of surprise. Right next door? Sawyer was the man she’d seen darting inside the lighthouse earlier. He was their new neighbor?

As the children jumped up and down in celebration, Ava felt goose bumps popping up on her arms. She wrapped her arms around her middle as she tried to process Sawyer’s news. Living in such close proximity to him might prove to be problematic. Even though they’d once been best friends, a lot of water had flowed under the bridge since then. A part of her longed to go back to those days of innocence when their biggest problem had been coming up with enough money to go to the matinee.