Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings

I.
JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE

The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes. You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.

II.
JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE

I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on him az enny man ever owned: —

QUESTIONS

1st – Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.

2d – Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?

3d – What is yure precise fiteing weight?

4th – Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?

5th – What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments!

6th – Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?

7th – Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?

8th – Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.

9th – What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?

10th – Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?

After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles.

III.
REMARKS

Tha tell me that them who hav the harte diseaze are liable tu di at enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it.

Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking into.

It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat.

Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled.

Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more fragrant.

Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just rite.

Men liv tu a ripe old age bi keeping green.

Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself.

"Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got tew tap the barrell before it will prevale.

IV.
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS

"Amelia." – Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time.

"Fred."– Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.

"Whip." – Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a sekund, 10 feet oph.

"Gertrude." – Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or otherwise.

"Plutark." – Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a foot.

"Sportsman." – Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in mi line, but i haste tu repli, as follers, to wit: The rite length tu cut oph a dog's tale haz never yet bin fully diskovered, but iz undoubtedly somewhare bak ov hiz ears, provided yu git the dog's consent. N. B. – It aint absolutely necessara the dog's consent should be in riteing.

"Kate." – I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov; 'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest.

V.
A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS

Ack Fust.– Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his arms, about 16 hands high – it makes the dorg puff – the dorg lays down the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put him out!"] Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion – Lap dorg diskovers a wicked flee at work on his tale – pursues him – round and round tha go – dorg a leettle ahead – sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!" – boarding skool girl faints standing – the curtin drops.

Ack number 2.– Curtin highsts – sevral blind men in the distanse, looking thru a key whole – one ov them sez, "he don't see it!" A shanghi ruseter cums out, with epaulets on, and crows Yankee Doodle – musik bi the band. The shanghi lays an egg on the stage, about the size ov a wasps nest, and then limps oph, very much tired and redused. Curtin falls agin.

Ack number 3.– Curtin rizes sloly – big bolona sarsage on a tabel – bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark – band plays "Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in – cat's tail begins tew swell bad – bolona sarsage and cat haz a fite – tha fite 14 rounds – the stage iz covered with cats and dorgs. Konlusion – tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the foot lights – an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300, 000 more" – band plays "Go in Lemons!" – a bell rings, and the curtin drops.

Ack number 4.– A scene on the Eri kanall – a terribel storm rages – the kanall acks bad – sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their boarders on board – kant make a lee shore – tha drag their ankers – sum ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at swareing – the water iz strewd with pots and kittles – sevral ov the cook maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth – tha hav tew draw oph the kanal tew stop the storm. Konlusion – men are seen along on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels – band plays "a life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and the awjence disperce, single file.

VI.
FEMALE EDDIKASHUN

Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings, (more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman.

I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided the woman hankers for it, but if she don't hanker for it, i kant see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart.

I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale. – Suppose you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams. I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or enny other man in a stump speech or a lektur on veteranara praktiss.

If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte; and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10 ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu be looked up tu in silent aw.

If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail-claid devils. Mi christian friends, ajew!

VII.
DEPOZETIONS

Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows.

That, John Brown haz halted a fu days for refreshment.

That, moste men had ruther sa a smart thing than tew dew a good one.

That, baksliding iz a big thing, espeshila on ice.

That, a live traitor smells wuss than a ded one.

That, there iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.

That, yu kant judge a man bi hiz religgun eny more than yu kan judge hiz shurt bi the size ov the collar and ristbands.

That, the devil iz alwus prepared tew see kompany.

That, it iz treating a man like a dog tew cut him oph short in hiz narrative.

That, "ignoranse iz bliss," ignoranse of sawing wood, for instanse.

That, menny will fale tew be saved simpla bekause tha haint got ennything tew saive.

That, the vartues ov woman are awl her own, but her frailities hav bin taught her.

That, dry pastors are the best for flocks; flocks ov sheep i mean.

That, men ov genius are like eagles, tha live on what tha kill, while men ov talents are like crows, tha live on what haz bin killed for them.

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what's the matter ov them.

That, a woman kant keep a sekret nor let ennybody else keep one.

That, "a little larning iz a dangerous thing"; this iz az tru az it iz common.

That, sider brandee taken inwardly in large quantitys iz good – for a rat hole.

That, a grate menny folks have bin eddikated oph from their feet.

VIII.
WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES

"A suckcessful Rade," – cutting oph a turnpike within the enama's lines, and bringing in a blind mule, and 2 niggers tu board.

"Reserv'd Korps," – this i take it means our ophisers; who die at the tavern stands, and are stuffed, and cent home tu berry.

"Bace of supplize," – Unkle Samuel's pocket-Book.

"Pickitts," – these are surplus chaps, who ar cent out tu borry turbacker, and to see if the kussed rebels hav got enny pass.

"An Armstise," – giving the enema tu chances tu git licked instead ov one.

"Militara Stratergee," – trying to reduse a swamp by ketching the bilyus fever out ov it.

"Lite Hoss Calvary," – picked men who ride the hosses tu drink, when tha git thin.

"Rekrutin Ophisers," – individuals who are cent into the rural destriks, on a furlong, to rekrute – themselfs.

"Armee Rashuns," – back pay, and preserved beef!

"Quartring on the enemee," – this phraze is defunkted, bekaze its contraree tu Hoyle.

"War Hoops," – jist the things fur a hot da, the injuns used tu hav them.

"Corte Marshall," – where tha tri the misdemeners out ov an ophiser, so that he'll du to promoat.

"Forage Partee," – Them who goes out to kech a hastack, and gits lost in a forage ov treeze and haint been herd from sinse.

"On tu Richmond," – that's tu sa if the kussed rebels will allow it.

"Parralel lines," – are them kind of lines that never cum together.

"Militara necessita," – ten ophisers and a gallon ov whiski to every three privates.

"Onluce the dogs ov war;" – but muzzle the darn kritters; if you don't, somebody will get hurt.

"War of Exterminashun," – this fraze belongs holey tu the Kommissara Department.

"Advance Gard," – this is a gard tha hav tu hav in our army tu keep our fellers from pichin in tu the enema frontwards.

"Rere Gard," – this is a gard that hav tu keep our fellers, when tha are surrounded from pitching intu the enema backwards.

"Awl quiet on the Potermuck," – this shows what perfect subjekshun our fellers are under.

IX
PASHUNCE OV JOB

Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!" If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job!

X.
FRIENDLY LETTER

Friend Elias: – You ask me menny questions about the draft that bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts, for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever.

Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov voting the democratic ticket.

Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the widder's husband haz alreddy sarved 2 years in the war, and iz willing tu go agin, i beleave the supreme corte haz desided this thing forever.

Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom into it.

Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose; also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general.

Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than 3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns.

Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov this laste, blessed privlege.

XI.
AFFURISMS

Truth iz the onla thing I kno ov that kant be improved upon.

If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield for the seed, sow wilde oats.

An insult tew one man iz an insult tew aul men.

Cunning is curiosity satisfied, and curiosity satisfied iz wisdom.

Wize men don't expeck tu do away with the visisitudes ov life, they onla expeck tew blunt the edge ov them.

Yu kan gorge avaris, but ambishun knows no gorge but the grave.

A sarkastic wit iz a kind ov human pole-cat.

If thare is enny thing on this arth that angels kant imitate 'tis a vartuous yung man trampling temtashun under hiz feet.

I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men's sekrets.

Fame iz jist about az mutch use tew a ded man as 5.20's wud be, interest payable in goold.

Sum people hav the power ov saing a good deal in a fu words, while others hav the power ov saing a little in a good menny wurds.

Slander iz played on a tin horn, while truth steals forth like the dieing song ov a lute.

Yu kan judge ov sum men's karakters onla bi what they eat and drink.

"Truth iz stranger than ficshun" – that iz tew sum folks.

I hav found a grate menny things in this wurld that waz free– free az a well tew git into, but like a rat trap, not edzackly free tu git out ov.

"Meet me bi moonlite alone," iz awl well enuff under sum circumstances; but moonlite me for meat alone, iz not so well ennuff, under enny circumstances.

I don't kno ov but one thing on arth that kan improve a good wife, and that iz buty.

After you hav made up yure mind jist what you are going to du, then iz a good time tew dew it.

We often hear ov men, who hav cum within an inch ov dieing, and i haint enny dout thare iz sum, that evry boddy wuld lik tew hear had cum within an inch ov bein born.

"The lapse ov ages," iz a pleasant thing tew dwell upon, but after awl, verry mutch depends upon the ages ov the laps.

It iz not differkult tew find augers that wont bore, but yu seldom cum across a bore that wont auger.

"Faith that iz founded on an arnest and truthful convickshun, iz butiful tu behold; but faith that iz founded simpla on courage, aint enny thing more than good grit."