Kitabı oku: «Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings», sayfa 6
LI.
REMARKS
Piety iz a good kind ov dissease for a man tew hav, but when he has so mutch ov it that he has tew go behind the door on Sunday to drink his whiskee, it will dew tew watch him the rest of the week.
Menny think tha luv their husbands almost tew deth, when in fack, tha are only jealous ov them.
Thoze familys who are really fust class, never are afraid that tha shall git cheated out ov their respektability, while the codfish familys are alwus nervous lest tha mite.
The onla sure resipee tew govern mankind with, iz the rod; yu ma festoon it with flowers and case it with velvet, if yu pleze, but it iz the rod, after all, that duz the bizzness.
I kant conseive a more despikable opjek than a proud and arrogant man; he makes me think ov an old Tom Turkey trieing tew git mad at a red flannel pettycoat on a clothes line.
It iz not onla highly natral tew luv the femail sek, but 'tis highly pleasant.
Verry few people enjoy munny, bekauze tha kant git enuff ov it.
We are told that a contented man is happy, and we mite hav bin told, at the same, that a mudturkle could fly if it onla had wings.
It wont dew tew stir up a man when he is thinking, enny more than it will a pan ov milk when the cream is rising.
Thare is one time when awl men are comparitiffly pure, and that is when tha are in luv.
Humbolt was a man ov verry high attainments.
It iz eazy enuff tew raize the devil, but he iz a hard crop tew reap.
It appears tew me that a poor story iz a good deal like a grist, the oftner it iz told, the less thare iz ov it; but then, perhaps, i am mistaken.
I hav bin told that swine Lager iz the Dutch for root beer.
LII.
THE FAULT-FINDER
Good Lord, deliver us from the Falt finder, one ov yure kronick grunters, i mean. Theze kind ov humin critters are alwuss full ov self consait; if tha waz humble and wud dam themself okasionally, i wud try tew pity them. Yure falt-finding old bachelor, for instanze, odars a pair ov No. 8 boots, and then kolides with his shumaker insted ov his big feet; he walks tew the depo tew saive hack-hire and misses the trane, and then kolides with the time-table; he kourts a gal till she has tew marry sumboddy else tew keep from spileing, and then he don't believe thare is a vartuous woman living. If he enjoys ennything he dus it under protess, and if ennyboddy else enjoys ennything he knows tha lie about it. He is like a seckund rate bull tarrier, alwus a fiteing, and alwus gitting licked. These kind ov critters never are reddy tew die, bekause tha haint never begun tew live. I never maik their ackquaintanse enny more than i dew sumboddy's small pox, bekause i am a looking after bright things and haint got enny to lose. Thare aint enny remedee for this dissease but hunger, and that aint parmanent unless it results in starvashun. Good Lord, deliver us from the falt-finder! if yu undertake tew argy with them yu onla flatter them, and if yu jine in with them yu onla maik them mad with themselfs.
I had rather be a target for awl the bad luk in this wurld than tew go thru life shuteing a pizen arrow at awl the good luk. The more i think ov it, the more i keep thinking that falt-finding iz verry much like bobing for eels with a raw potater; a fust rate wa tew git out ov consait ov awl kinds ov fishing, and a fust rate wa not tew ketch enny eels.
LIII.
PROVERBS
Chastity iz like an isikel. if it onse melts that's the last ov it.
Dew a good turn whenever yu kan even if yu hav tew turn sumboddy's grinstun tu dew it.
When a man dies the fust thing we talk about iz hiz welth, the nex thing hiz failings, and the last thing hiz vartues.
I suppose the "bone of contenshun" iz the collar bone.
An ungrateful childe is the revenge of Heaven.
After awl ced and dun the gran sekret of winning is tew win.
The studdy ov humin natur is a good deal like the studdy ov dessekshun, yu finde out a good menny curis things, but it is a nasty job after awl.
When a man's dog deserts him on akount ov his poverty, he kant git enny lower down in this world, not bi land.
Sekrets maik a dungin of the harte, and a jailor ov its owner.
Don't let us forgit that the higher up we git the smaller will things look tew us here belo.
Natur haz no artifise, she plants her flowers in the gardin and in the wilderness, and endows them alike.
It iz tru that welth won't maik a man vartuous, but i notis thare ain't ennyboddy who wants tew be poor jist for the purpiss ov being good.
Luv iz like the meazels, we kant alwus tell when we ketched it and ain't ap tew hav it severe but onst, and then it ain't kounted mutch unless it strikes inly.
Tew be a suckcessful pollytysian, a man shud be butterd on both sides and then keep awa from the fire.
LIV.
KOLIDING
The wurd "kolide," used bi ralerode men, haz an indefinit meaning tew menny folks. Thru the kindness of a nere and dear frend, i am able tew translate the wurd so that enny man ken understand it at onst. The term "kolide" is used tew explain the sarkumstanse ov 2 trains ov cars triing tew pass each uther on a single trak. It is ced that it never yet haz bin did suckcessfully, hence a "kolide."
Josh Billings.
LV.
ON SNAIKS AND MUDTURKLES
I divide snaiks into one class, to wit, the devilish:
They are ov much antiquity, having appeared about the same time that Adam did. The exact purpis for which tha was built hain't been explored yet; but one thing is sartin, tha are quite slippery and eazy to bend. Tha travel on thair bellys, and go down hill the moste eazyest; this is owing tew the fack that tha hain't got enny good rigging tew hold back with.
Snaix have but few warm friends, altho thare is folks who flatter them; sich persons ought tew be obliged to ware a pair ov them for a cravat. Thare is but one thing that makes me more horrible than a striped snaik, and that is a big black one jest sliding away from the place whare I was going tew sit down on the grass.
We are told that Eve waz sedused bi a snaik, i don' beleave thare is a woman living now, in theze parts, that it could be did tew without spileing the snaik. I hav bin in the habit, ov late years, ov sedusing snaiks miself evvry chanse i could git; i ginerally dew it bi gitting them tew put their heds under a stone, and then i cruelly desert them; sich is life.
Snaiks are amphibicus and thoze which dwell in the water are called eels. Tha are ov awl cullers, and sum are pizen tew behold; amung theze are the koperheds, but tha never bite enny ov their own folks. Snaiks hav got a big appertite, akordin tew their size; i hav saw them no thicker than your finger, with 4 inches wide ov toad in them, tha stuck out like 2 quarts ov milk that had got into a young pup bi acksident.
The largest snaik in the wurld iz kept at Newport, he iz owned bi the landlords, he never haz bin shown tew but one person tew a time, and then he is generally 110 feet long; thousands go thare tew see him summers, and pay 3 dollars a da for board and 2 dollars a week tew the servants for something tew eat.
I beleave a snaik never dies onla bi mistake, and never ventures out mutch in the winter when the travling iz bad, and lays eggs like a small hen, but don't set on them bekauze tha hain't got enny more heat in their body than a ramrod haz.
Almoste evry humin being haz got a nateral appertite agin snaix, and i will bet, if you shud put a striped snaik in a 10 aker lot, whare there was 27 wimmin picking strawberries, and holler out, "striped snaik! striped snaik!" evry woman would skream, and go to feeling rite oph for the snaik. It is ced that snaik ile applied to the back ov a man's neck, will cure him from lieing. This is wuth trieing, even if it wont wurk, but mi individoal presentiment iz, that when the lieing disease gits familiar with a man, deth alone will put an eend to his sufferings. But I dont want it understood that I am agin snaik ile, for this one reason if no other, the more snaik ile there is in the market, the less snaiks.
MUDTURKLES
Mudturkles liv in a shell, which tha git verry mutch attached to. Tha are not fond ov company, and seldom receive visitors in their houses. Their food consists prinsipally of what they eat, which tha find wharever tha kan git it. Their style iz haf land, and haf water, and tha are at home on the banks or at the bottom ov a kanal. Tha hav sum eggs, which tha lay in sum warm sand, and ginerally hav them hatched out tew the halves. Tha belong tew the class known az "close korporashuns," and are a hard animil tew whip, bekause tha alwus fite under cover. The mudturkle kant climb very well, and therefore seldum iz found up a tree. Tha are verry tuff ov life, and will outlive an injun rubber shoe, and don't seem tew gro old enny faster than a paving stone duz. Tha kan be domestikated without enny trubble; awl yu hav tew dew, iz tew put them into a barrel, and tha aint ap tew stray off far. Mudturkles hav their faults, but tha won't lie, nor drink rum, nor chaw terbacker, and tho tha cant trot as fast az sum hosses kan, thare sure tew git tew whare tha go tew, and never brake down on the rode. I take a deep interest in moste awl the animils, and particularly in mudturkles, and i dew hope that the Legislature in their wisdum won't pass a law "prohibiting enny more mudturkles." I regret tew hear, that in sum parts ov the kuntry, the people are in the habit of using mudturkles tew pitch quoits with, but I think this wants an affidavy with a revenew stamp onto it.
In theze mi remarks about snaix and mudturkles i hav tried hard tew tell the truth, but if i hav failed, it is owing tew the grate skasity ov truth in theze days.
LVI.
TRUE BILLS
Tru dignity is the effeck ov the conscious possession ov ability and vartue. False dignity is the effeck ov nu clothes, no branes and mutch vittles.
Tru currage is the knowledge ov right and the determination tew dew it. False currage is a willingness tew dew what is rong bekauze others sa it iz right.
Tru religgun iz tew fear God, love man and hate the devil. False religgun iz tew hate God, fear man and luv the devil.
True faith is a parfeck trust in what we are satisfied iz truth. False faith is a craziness tew beleave, simpla bekauze we kant understand.
Tru liberta is the possession ov our own rights and due respek for the rights ov uthers. False liberta iz a desire tew possess uther's rights and no respek for our own.
Tru wisdum iz a plenta ov experiense, observashun and reflekshun. False wisdom iz a plenta ov ignorance, arogance and impudence.
LVII.
NARRATIF
"Wunce as I was travling thru tioga keounty, a peddlin, selebrated pills," I was akosted by a individual whose dress indikated, that he was in the kolporter bisness. We met, and stopped smoltaneously, as it war; we looked into each others phases, sarching as it war, for a linamont, a oasus, that we nu, or had hearn tell of, but the trak pedlar, and pill pedlar, had evidently met for the first time on arth. The dela that was thus instituted, giv me a margin for a clus communion with the kolporturs feturs, and stile of habiliment, and tru to natur, tuk the chance – he was about 59 years old, was very lite in the karkass, and wore his close very much as a methodis dus, and had one of them kountenances that Moses was celebrated for. I felt at the first site, that he wud do tu ti to. He komensed as follers: – "Wafarin man, monament of sparin mersa, du yu feel as tho yu had enny intrest in yurself, hev yu ever been tried by the fire that takes awa the spiritoal dross, and had yur soal a flutterin agin the ribbid prisin bars of yur body, like a kaged song bird of heavin? If yu haint, read and peroose this trak; the ile that it kontains, will permoate thru the resesses of yur hart, like the quicksilver of luv, and lukrubrate the loose roaling stuns, that ly in yur jordanick pathwa." As he cum to a stop, he bent on tu me one of those meller looks, that a tom kat gives tu the mouse, as it lays pantin afore him, with a skin full of broken bones, and a reachin around, he pulled from his sadle bags, a trak of four pages, and give it tu me, with (if I ma be aloud the expresshun) a angelik tenderness, and as he did so, he karlessly tuk a look at my hoss, who stood quietly in the harness, a restin wun of his hine fete. I thanked him, and sed I wud peroose the trak, an hoped to find the ile, and silver, he spoak of. Not tu be bete in generosity, I opened the lid of mi waggin, and selekted a box of pills, with a full kount, and arisin from mi sete, I kommenced as follers, "respected kolportur, allou me tu disiprookate, by plasin at yur disposal a full kount box, of the selebrated antydiluvion pills, begot by Josh Billings (late of this tioga keounty,) who now stans befoor yu. These pills are friendla tu the innards of enny man, are holy made of rootes, are as saif tu take as a fotograph, and at the same time, are as thoro as a sarch warrant, there ar 26 ov them in a box, an tha sel, with a ful size fax similer of the author on the lid ov the box. He tuk the antydiluvions, and summed up as follers, "docter Billings, the perfeshun which you hav chose, is wone ov the most anshient as wel as wone of the most humain, it speaks volumes in yur praze, and as i winde mi wa on errants of soal mersa, upon mi noble hoss (whose only falt, or rather misfortin is a paneful saddil gaul,) swete gushes of jowus thout will wel up from mi happer harte, that praps our auspicious meeting tu da ma bee the menes of awakin in yu, a arnest kry what shal i du tu bee saved." At the kloze ov this speach, i wud have bin willin tu bet a Box of antydiluvions agin a 10 rowed papir of solid headed pins, that the kolporter was nasty on a hoss swap, and i kum tu the konklusion that i wud just feal of his stile in that wa. Pretendin tu hav just notised his hoss i went inter fits over the diskivery, and soon found i had struc a lead, for the star spangle bannor, never had at one time enny more sed in its praze, than the kolporter let of in favor ov his old hoss. Not edzackly disposed tu swaller, without stirrin, all he sed, i thout i wud look the kritter over, and; jumpin out ov my waggin, fur that purpis, soon found out that the trak pedler was after Jonas, insted of me. After i had got the full size of the sarkumstanses in the kase, i kum tu one of the brisk konklusions that the Billings family are subject tu, by hintin in oktave, "that the kolporter was a dam hiperkrit, and his spavined hoss a dam old pelter." This suddint bust of centiment on mi part, awoke the sleapin pieta of the trak pedlar, and he at wunst tuk me tu do for swarin. After i had told him, that his prain and my swarin, was oph of the same peace, an neather ov us ment any thing we sed, we parted, – the kolporter to save soals, and swap hosses, and Josh Billings tu sell, for 25 sents a box, the antidiluvion pills, as saif as rute beer, and as sartin as the bight ov a mogasin."
LVIII.
PHOTOGRAPHS
Enclosed yu will be pleazed tew find my fotograff, taken from life, on the spot, whare the circumstanze occurred. I take the liberta tew send yu the picter, for the 7 different ensuing reasons: 1 – Photograffs are gitting skase. 2 – If you should ever meet me by mistake, yu wud be able to kno me rite oph, bi asking me if I resembled the pictur. 3 – I am a marrid man, and am the author ov a familee, and therefore the danger ov any femail fallin in luv with me, bi cuming in contak with the picter, will be painfully redused. 4 – It iz better that 99 humbly cusses should eskape, than that one decent looking man should suffer bi not having hiz fotograff taken. 5 – A grate menny folks, jist now at this time, are troubled with a literature on the brane. This pictur will put yu in clus communion with a man who haz had this diseaze, but who haz so far rekovered, that he iz able to sit up and laff at others, who are trieing to ketch the same disorder. 6 – I resembel this pictur, and that ken be ced ov so few things in this wurld, that i thought noboddy would git mad and call me a verry d – n fule, for sirkulating the pictur. 7 – The artiss said I was hard tew take, and this pictur was a triumph ov the art; he alzo added that some ware so eazy tew take that it was actooally dangerous tew leave ennything in their reach. These reasons must be mi excuse for sending yu my pictur; if it don't look as yu expekted i did, jist let me kno, and i will have one taken that duz. Verry highly i remane yures,
Josh Billings.
LIX.
AFFERISIMS
I suppoze the reazon why wimmin are so fast talkers, is bekause tha dont hav tew stop tew spit on their hands.
After Joseph's bretheren had beat him out ov hiz cut ov menny cullers, what did tha dew nex? Tha pittied him!
Thare is nothing in this life that will open the pores ov a man so mutch, as tew fall in luv, it makes him fluent as a tin whissell, as limber as a boy's watch chain, and as perlite as a dansing master; his harte is as full ov sunshine as a hay field, and there aint any more guile in him than there is in a stik ov merlasses candy.
Thare dont seem tew be enny end tew the ambishun ov men, but thare is one thing that sum ov them will find out if tha ever dew get tew heaven, and that is tha cant git enny further.
He who kan hold awl he gits, kan most generally git more.
Conshense, is onla another name for truth.
Yu kant alwus tell a gentleman by his clothes, but yu kan bi his finger nails.
Adam invented "Luv at first sight," one ov the gratest laber saving masheens the world ever saw.
It is a grave question whether, in curtailing super-fluitys in these hard times, we have a moral right tew cut oph a dorg's tale tew save the expense ov boarding it.
Are Greenbacks a lawful tender? If yu dont believe it tri one on me, espeshila one ov the heavy ones.
Dont never parade yure good luck, nor yure bad luck before men, the first will make them think less ov yu, and the second will make them think more of themselves.
Thare are a grate multitude ov individuals who are like blind mules, anxious enough to kick, but kant tell whare.
I hav herd a grate deal ced about "broken hartes," and thare may be a fu ov them, but mi experiense is that nex tew the gizzard, the harte is the tuffest peace ov meat in the whole critter.
LX.
JOSH GITS ORFULLY BIT
I du consider musketers,
The moste pesky, ov all God's creeters.
I hav finally ketched it. I hav bin like a lam led sudden tu the slauter and had mi blood sucked out ov me, az though it waz only sweet sider, and belonged tu sumbody else. I am a man ov peace, but low, and behold! there aint a peace in me now, but what iz bit, punkterd, and tore.
When muskeeters whisper in yure ear,
The devils angels are hovring near.
I retired laste nite tu rest, at the usual time; on the north side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent, waz the side ov the hous, on the south side ov me, and about 2 feet adjacent la mi wife. I dropt tu sleep, az a snoflake dus on the buzzum ov a silvery Lake, (i have a faint idee that this laste sentense, for lovlaness, kant be beat, handy.) I dreamed a good-sized, hot dream.
It felt like the breth ov a kanada Thissell,
A round mi hed, a triing tu Whissell.
Suddenly i awoke.
The room waz full ov yels, and skreams. responsiv I dashed wildly akross the room, ackompanied by mi shirt tale. i lit a lite. I harked, one ov mi moste reliable harks. Awl waz still; still az a crows nest, in the ded ov winter. I gazed a gaze, az tho i waz triing tu thread the rong end ov a kambrik needle. Awa in the distance, solitara, and alone, clus up tu the ceiling, chawing hiz cud, sot a little grey cuss. I dipped a koars towel into a basen ov water, and rung it out, i krept up under the little grey cuss, i tuk aim, and fired,
And hit the spot,
Whare the little grey cuss had sot.
Awl waz still again. I onlighted the kandle, and saught mi kouch.
LXI.
THINGS THAT SUIT ME
I like an aimabel man, (not one who will let yu spit on him,) but one who don't want tew spit on enny boddy else.
I like a stirring man, (not one who stirs up musses,) but one who haz got sumthing tew dew and duz it.
I like a good looking man, (not a pretty man), but one who looks well – into things, one whom yu can't phule with a mare's nest, unless he sees the old mare on it.
I like a gritty man, (not a dirty one), but one that pitches in like a frog oph from a saw log, no matter how deep the water iz.
I like a fass hoss, (one that goes fass bekauze he luvs tew), sich a critter iz half human; he never ought to be hitched tew a plough, he ought tew be took out ov hiz stable az a wild pigeon had out of hiz cage, and let him – go.
I like a rat tarrier with hiz hair awl combed forward, hiz eyes on fire, hiz tale straight out stiff, evry muscle alive, and the entire dorg only 3 feet off from a rat hole.
I like a woman, (handsum if it iz convenient,) with more wisdum than larning, chaste, but not frozen, soft, but not silly, and fond, but not fussy, sich wimmin are skase, and are going tew be skaser.
I like religion, (the kind that wurks 6 days and rests on the 7,) which acks on a man's soul, az congriss water duz on hiz boddy, phesicks him well, but dont make him enny weaker.
I like good order – good morals – good frends – and awl things well dun, except beefsteak, and that I want rare dun.
