Kitabı oku: «The Complete Works of Josh Billings», sayfa 34

SHORT, BUT SWEET

Richard.– Yu done wisely tew ask me questions in Natral history. I am perfektly at hum amung beasts, burds, and fishes. I kan tell whi the flea bights, whi the bull bellers, and whi the rinosseross hasn’t got but one tusk, and that on the top of his knoze. I hav writ the biography ov all theze kritters, from the genial muskeeter and pensiv cockroach klean up tew the elephant, with hiz trunk, and the lion, who hain’t got enny trunk at all. You ask me about the zebra. The zebra iz a striped hoss, the wildesst thing in natral history ov hiz size, and az hard tew civilize az the hyena, and az useless, when civilized, az the osstritch or the rattlesnaik. They don’t inhabit the United States at large; they may liv in Kanda, if they hav a mind to – I never hav been thare tew diskover. They are about the size ov a moderate mule, but they kant kik with the mule. Thare ain’t nothing that kiks for phun or kiks for a living that kan outkik a mule, except it iz an old-fashioned, Continental, revolushionary war, Fourth ov July musket. Put about 3 and a haff inches ov powder into one ov theze old vetrans of 1776, ram it down heavy, and lay it on a stump, and tutch it oph with a slo match, and I had just az leafs stand in front ov it az tew stand in the rear ov it. Thare iz sum ov the oldest and crossest ov theze muskets that will kik, and even squeal, if yu go near them, whether they are loaded or not. The zebra iz ov no use whatever only tew look at, at 25 cents a chance, in sum circus tent, but after they are broke they are spilte for enny thing else. They are like all other wild animals – fleet only for a short distance; and civilizashun iz a grate damage tew them, just az it iz tew an injun. Deth iz the only kind ov civilizashun that an injun kan understand.

Caroline.– Yu ask me whi i dont write sweet, and sentimental, and luvly things.

I aint bilt right, Caroline, for that kind ov labor.

I am tew round-shouldered, tew write perfumed sentances.

When i git hold ov an idee, i hav tew let it go out, into the world, like a bird oph from mi hand, bareheaded, and barefooted, a sort ov vagrant.

If i should undertake tew dress it up in fine clothes, sum folks would say i stole the idee, and other folks would say i tried tew steal the clothes, tew dress it in, and got ketched at it.

I make no pretentions tew literature, i pay no homage tew elegant sentances, i had rather be the father ov one genuine, original truth, i don’t kare if it iz az humpbacked az a drumudary, than tew be the author ov a whole volume ov glittering cadences, gotten up, for wintergreen-eating schoolgirls tew nibble at.

Benjamin.– Horace Greeley iz not what may be termed a praktikal farmer, he iz what iz kalled a dikshionary farmer.

The papers tell us he looks for cabages on trees, digs for apples, hunts stun walls for hens eggs, haz tried tew improve the flavor ov mutton, by a kross ov the hidraulik ram on the south-down, splits the duks feet, so they kan stand a fair chance with a hen when they cum tew the skratch, combs hiz roosters heds, by cutting oph their topnots, lathers and shaves hiz phatting hogs 3 times a week, makes his cows wear greengogles, so they will mistake shavings, and peabrush for clover, piks hiz geese once in 24 hours tew keep them cool, and throws away the feathers, digs a hoel in the ground and plants oats, a pek in a place, and runs a grind stun, and two pattent churns, by konnekting sum kind ov a pattent kontrivance to hiz cows tails in fli time.

Now if theze fakts are trew, Horace Greely iz not a praktikal farmer, he iz only a genius in husbandry a hundred years ahed ov the time.

I haven’t mutch doubt miself a hundred years from now science and theory, and book larning will have so changed agrikultur that every time a hen laze an egg, they won’t indulge in the silly kackel they do now, but will sing sum lively air, and the old rooster will dance tew the musik in front ov the nest.

Thare iz a good time comeing, so we are told, and we have waited so long for it, we might az well hang on now till it cums.

Prudence.– I received yure kind letter yesterday, and must admit that i kant answer yure question.

I don’t kno what a Dolly Varden iz.

I kno that all the ladys, when they walk out, hav an immense sight of clothes, all in one spot, about the center ov their backs, but whether this iz a Dolly Varden, or knot, I dont kno, and darsent ask.

I hav looked in Webster unabridged, and kant find it thare. I hav waded in the ensiklopedio, and lo! it aint thare. I have asked all mi bacheler friends, and they blush, and begin tew talk about the poets, Longfellow and Harry Bassett. I have spoke tew married men about it, (I am married too) and they say “hush” and pass on in a grate hurry, and I begin tew guess, the whole thing iz a kussid sell, got up expressly to Bear the market.

Prudence, I giv it up square, I dont kno what a Dolly Varden iz, and I aint a going tew try to find out enny more nuther, for I am satisfied, from what I hav found out about it allready, that it iz none ov mi bizzness.

Picayune.– The sucker iz not a game phish, the very name indicates that.

They won’t bight at a hook, and are a lazy set ov vagrants, emigrating in the spring ov the year, out ov muddy mill ponds, up sluggish streams, into the country.

They kant liv in swift water, they are too lazy tew ketch their breth in it.

They are az tasteless az a merino potatoe, and az for general intelligence, are jist about on a par, with a korn kob.

They are kaught with a spear, and thare iz just about az mutch sport in it, az stabbing seed cowcumbers in a garden, by moonlite, with a three-tined fork.

Howard.– Your letter iz come tew hand and its kontents karefully weighed, and I find that they don’t weigh heavy.

In reply, we beg leaf tew state that the North Pole haz not bin found out yet.

Du notiss ov its length, and its size at the butt, and the kind ov fowls that hav bin roostin on it, and the kind ov wood on which it iz bilt, and the amount ov kindling wood it would undoubtedly make, well split up, and its universal history will appear in the Spice Box collum, just az soon az the Pole iz got.

In the mean time keep cool, kultivate your mustash, be polite tew your ritch aunt, if you hav got one, studdy Hall’s guide tew health, and shun all grass-widders.

Caroline.– Yu ask us, “Which iz worth the most tew a woman, buty, or modesty.”

For a quick return, perhaps buty iz, but for an investment, for the sake ov the interest, we rekomend modesty.

Modesty never grows stale, but buty iz like bukwheat kakes, aint good kold, nor warmed up nex day.

We konsider buty one ov the best kollatterals that a woman kan possess, but if she haint got nothing else but buty, she aint no better off than she would be with a life insurance policy, which was forfeited for the non-payment of premiums.

Buty alone wont wear well, and thare iz a grate deal of it now daze that wont wash at all and keep its color.

JOSH REPLIES

“Thomas.” – “Jordan is a hard road to travel,” i kant tell you who was the inventor ov this saying, sum foot sore cus probably, who waz too lazy to keep a hoss and waggon, or else a hotel darkey carryin’ trunks all day.

“Ferdinand.” – “Man wants but little here belo, nor wants that little long,” iz a libel, man wants evrything he kan see, or hear ov, and never is willing to let go ov hiz grab. Whenever yu find a man who iz thoroughly satisfied with what he has got, yu will find either an ideot, or one who haz tried to git more and couldn’t do it.

The older a man grows, the more wantful he bekums, and az hiz hold on life slakens, hiz pinch on a dollar grows grippy.

“Herod.” – He that puts a small value on hiz services, issues proposals tew the lowest bidder. When yu make a request ov divine Providence, it iz best to be modest, if yu expekt to git what you ask for, but there is so little modesty in the world, between men, that when we cum acrost it, we mistake it for ignorance or imbecility. Yu will often see little boys ketching flies, and killing them just for fun, but you don’t see them ketch hornets just for fun. The sting in the hornet’s tail iz what makes him respektable.

“Miller.” – Yu hav got it right the fust time, ingratitude is one ov them crimes that evry boddy sticks up their noze at, it is the worst insult we kan giv, or receive, it lets a man drop down belo the level ov the dum brutes, for the yellowest, and meanest dog in the United States wags hiz tail, if yu throw him but a burnt crust. What an awful thought it iz, that ingratitude iz the common sin against God.

“Matilda.” – Kissing is one ov the rudiments, babys are learnt it instead ov the alphabet, but they dont understand the strong points in it, yet they seem tew luv it without knowing why, this iz a bricky argument that kissing iz one ov naturs most natural noshuns. I kant tell yu whether thare is enny pertikular etiket to be observed in administrating a kiss or not. Between lovers it iz sumtimes usual to kiss and hang on, but it strikes me that the best way iz tew cum up frunt face, in single file, then fire and fall back one pace, this gives the patients a chance tew get the flavour. The grate buty ov a kiss lies in its impulsiveness, and in its impressibility, two pretty big words, but worth the munny.

I haven’t dun enny thing in the kissing line, (ov an amateur natur,) ov late years, and there may be sum new dodge, that i aint posted in, but the old-fashioned, 25 year ago kind, i remember fresh, that kind didn’t hav enny mathematicks in it, but waz more like spontaneous combustion.

Kissing, az a general thing, iz not very interesting tew bystanders, and iz sumtimes even looked upon, by a third party, az uncalled-for.

“Warwick.” – “He that giveth tew the poor, lendeth tew the Lord,” if yu had read yure Bible az mutch az i hav, yu wouldn’t hav asked me if Shakespeare wrote this remark.

Charity iz az mutch ov a privilege, az it iz a duty, and lending to the Lord, iz undoubted security, for enny man’s munny.

He that gives nothing away while living, dies a bankrupt, and hiz estate iz generally settled by hiz heirs, a good deal az the crows settle a ded hoss, by pitching into the remains.

Thare iz menny folks whoze hearts bile with charity, but whoze extremitys are cold, a half a dollar kontrakts tew a 3 cent piece, by the time it reaches the end ov their fingers.

“Gildad.” – Yure juicy letter haz questions enuff tew make a distrikt-school-master faint, and if i should answer them all, yu would be fuller ov edukashun than an aulmanak.

Who the author ov the saying, “the good die yung,” waz, i don’t care, but i will remark, if that iz a good bet, the yunger a man kan die the better; and not tew be born at all, iz a ded sure thing.

Again, az it regards the number ov years that a kat kan live, that depends entirely upon circumstances, they kant liv over Sunday with me.

“Abel.” – Yu kant pick out a hipokrite by his looks, enny more than yu kan a fat oyster by the shell, they are frequently like an old musket, laid away up garret, hav often bin known, tew let oph a charge, that had been sleeping, with one eye open, for 3 years. They are like silver-plated forks, wear well for a long time, but are sure to show the odious brass at last.

“Hannibal.” – Giving presents, with the hope of receiving presents in return, takes away awl the cream ov giving, or receiving, it is like swopping skim-milk, for milk that has bin skimd.

“Mercury.” – “Owe for a lodge in sum vast wilderness,” waz the private opinion of Mr. Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thief.

JOSH BILLINGS CORRESPONDS WITH A “HAIR OIL AND VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN.”

Dear Doktor Hirsute: – I reseaved a tin cup ov yure “Hair purswader,” also a bottle ov yure “Salvashun Bitters,” bi express, for which, I express my thanks.

The greenbak, which yu enklozed waz the kind ov purswader that we ov the press fully understand.

Yur hair grease, shall hav a reglar gimnastik puff, jist az soon az i kan find a spare time.

I tried a little ov it on an old counter brush in my offiss, this morning, and in 15 minnitts, the brussells grew long az a hosses tale, and i notis this afternoon, the hair begins tew cum up thru, on bak ov the brush, ’tis really wonderful! ’tis almoste Eureka! I rubbed a drop or two on the head ov mi cane, which haz bin bald for more than 5 years, and beggar me! if I don’t hav to shave the cane handle, evry day, before I can walk out with it.

I hav a verry favrite cat, she iz one ov the Hambletonian breed ov cats, and altho she iz yung, and haint bin trained yet, she shows grate signs ov speed.

I thought I would just rub the corck ov the bottle on the floor, in the corner ov the room whare the cat generally repozes.

The consequents waz, sum ov the “purswader” got onto the hair ov the cat’s tale.

When the cat aroze from her slumbers she caught sight ov her tale, which had growed tew an exalted size; taking one more look at the tale, she started, and bi the good olde Moses! sich running; across the yard! over the fence! up wun side ov an apple tree! and down the other! out into the fields, away! away! The laste i saw ov the cat, she waz pretty mutch awl tale.

I wouldn’t hav took 10 dollars for the cat, with her old tale on her.

In a fu daze, i shall find a spare time, and then i shall write up, for our paper sumthing pyroteknik, which will make the hair grow on the head ov a number 2 mackrel, to read it.

Dear Dokter, the fact iz, “sum men are born grate, sum men git grate after they are born, and sum men hav grateness hove upon them.”

Doctor, you are awl 3 ov these men, in one.

Yu are a kind ov vegitable trinity, sassyfrass, pokeroot, and elderberry.

It waz a happee thought in you, tew call your “Salvashun Bitters” a “vegatabel tonicks,” although, old rye aint one ov the vegatabels, whiskee iz one ov the tonicks.

The people must hev tonicks, and the more vegatabels you kan git into the gratest amount ov whiskee, the more the peopel will luv you.

Thare is nothing the christian world long for so mutch, just now, as a vegatabel bitter.

Sassyfrass is good for a lonesum stummuk, pokeroot is an alteratiff, and Elderberry was known to the anshients, but what! oh tell me what! yee whispring winds, what! are all these without whiskee.

Thank the Lord, that at laste, we hav got a bitter, that will tonick a man up.

Nothing, sinze the good old daze ov Jamaka Rum, and sider Brandee, haz sent sich a thrill ov joy thru the wurld, az “Hirsute’s Salvashun Bitters,” sold respektably bi awl druggists, far and near.

Go on Doktur, manafaktring, and selling, let the cod liver, and pattent truss men, howl out in envy, let pills rant, and plasters rave, you hav got what the wurld wants, and will have, and that iz, an erb bitter, with a broad whiskee basis.

P. S. – Let me advize yu az a friend; if it iz indispensible necessary tew cheat a little, in the manufakter ov the “Salvashun Bitters,” let it by awl means be in the rutes, dont lower the basis.

Yures quietly,

Josh Billings.

THE GASSY MAN

The gassy man iz a kind ov itinerant soda fountain, a sort ov hi-preshure reservoi ov soap-suds, who spouts bubles and foam, whenever he opens hiz mouth.

Theze quacks in the small beer line, hav but phew branes, but their branes are like yeast, they kant rize without running over every thing.

I have known them tew argy a point 3 hours and a half, and never offer one good reazon in the whole time.

They mistake words for ideas, and their tongues travel tew just about az mutch purpose az a boy’s wind mill duz, in the teeth ov a stiff nor wester.

They are the vainest ov all human beings that hav yit bin discovered, and think, bekauze people kant eskape their furios effervescence, they are pleazed and convinced.

I never knu one ov theze windmills yet, but what thought Soloman waz almost an ideot kompared tew them, and I never knu one to ever diskover hiz mistake.

Yu mite az well undertake tew git the pride out ov a pekocks tail, bi laffing at it, az to convinse theze phellows that what they say aint either wit or wisdum.

The gassy man iz not bi enny means a bad man at heart, he iz often az good natured az he is phoolish, but hiz friendship aint worth mutch more tew yu than the luv ov a lost pup, who iz reddy tew phollow enny one off who will pat him on the back.

THE SHARP MAN

The sharp man iz often mistaken for the wize one, but he iz just az diffrent from a wize one az he iz from an honest one.

He trusts tew hiz cunning for suckcess, and this iz the next thing to being a rogue.

The sharp man iz like a razor – generally too sharp for enny thing but a shave.

Theze men are not tew be trusted – they are so constituted that they must cheat sumboddy, and, rather than be idle or lose a good job, they will pitch onto their best friends.

They are not exackly outkasts, but liv cluss on the borders ov criminality, and are liable tew step over at enny time.

It iz but a step from cunning tew raskality, and it iz a step that iz alwuss inviting to take.

Sharp men hav but phew friends, and seldum a konfident. They hav learnt tew fear treachery by studying their own naturs.

They are alwuss bizzy, but like the hornet, want a heap ov sharp watching.

The sharp man iz alwuss a vain one. He prides himself upon his cunning, and had rather do a shrewd thing than a kind one.

THE LAZY MAN

Next tew the weak man the lazy man iz the wust one i kno ov, without necessarily being a viscious one.

He iz too indolent tew praktiss hiz virtews, if he haz got enny, and therefore iz konstantly open tew vice, which iz haff-brother tew lazyness.

It iz hard work tew phind lazyness and virtew mixt, but thare iz sitch a thing.

Indolence iz one ov the wust mildews i kno ov – it iz the grate leak that haz let thousands ov men drizzle away.

Lazyness iz not positively a crime, but they look and akt wonderphully alike.

Lazyness iz not ornamental even tew an old man, but tew a yung one it iz a shining disgrase.

I hav seen lazy men that i thought waz innocent, but i never felt like warrenting one ov them for more than 90 daze.

THE NERVOUS MAN

One ov the most unkumfortable kritters in this world iz the nervus man. He discounts all hiz griefs, and suffers more from trubbles that never happen, than enny boddy else duz from trubbles that do cum.

Hiz ears are like a rabbits, always on end for sum disaster, and hiz nostrils are like the asses, snuffing misfortune out ov the east wind.

He steps az though he waz walking on eggs, and lays down like a kat in frunt ov a rat hole, reddy for a spring.

Theze poor phellows suffer without simpathy, and enjoy without satisfacshun.

The nervous man iz a long lived bird, though hiz nerves are alwus strung, he lasts like an old phiddle.

Altho i kant help but pitty the nervus man i am aware that he haz moments ov plezzure that are equal tew whole hours, they are so intensified.

Whatever he duz enjoy he enjoys the whole ov, passing the bounds ov reality, he revels in the illimitable fields ov imaginashun and fancy.

I think I would rather have more nerves than i could manage than not tew hav enny, and mope on thru life az sum men do, with nothing about me so exciteable az mi relish for pork and beans.

THE DIGNIFIED MAN

It iz often the kase that the dignified man iz nothing more than an owl amung humans.

He dont alwus kno but little, but when he duz he haz tew be kareful ov that little and look wize even if he dont prove tew be so.

One good hoss laff would spile him for life; if he lets go ov hiz dignity, hiz kapital iz all gone and he iz ruined forever.

The dignified man that i am talking about, never takes enny chances, he weighs every word before it iz uttered, and meazzures every ackshun before it iz expressed, and iz generally az free from blunders, or hits, az a tud stool iz. If he ever duz kik up and frolik he iz like the elastik elephant, and gay and kussid like the hippopotamus or wild sea hoss.

Dignity iz often substituted for wisdum, and iz quite often mistaken for it, but thare iz az mutch diffrence between them az thare iz between a puter 10 cent piece and a genuine haff dollar.

I decided long ago not tew giv enny man kredit for being wize, just bekauze he wouldn’t bend hiz back or laff when he had a right tew be tickled.

Sum ov the most suckcessfull phools i hav ever met were as grave az a kut stone, and most all the truly wize that i hav had the honor tew be introduced to, were alwuss a hunting for a good place tew roll on the grass.

Extreme gravity, in mi lexicon, stands for an extreme phool.