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CHAPTER XXXVII.
FINAL DEATH-THROES

The officers and the judges at the poultry-fairs (most of whom are self-constituted), as will be seen, usually carried away all the first prizes. At a late show of the New York State Society, the president thereof received about one third of all the premiums awarded, and yet his fowls were nearly all second and third rate, and not one of them, it was stated, was bred by him. He may have bred a few specimens during last season, but not one on exhibition was bred by him. The people and certain greenhorns were astonished to see the way in which the premiums were awarded to him. One of the judges there seemed determined to award to him every premium that his influence could secure, right or wrong; and, from what was learned from exhibitors, it did look very much like an existing understanding between the parties in regard to the premiums.

For the above statement we have the authority of a huckster in New York, who did not obtain any premiums, and who says of the management of the state show there, that this sort of partiality shown in favor of the wire-pullers "is the rock on which the 'New England Poultry Society' foundered; and our state society is treading in the footsteps of its 'illustrious predecessor.'"

This writer contends that the president of the New York society, who thus received about all the premiums at one of their late shows, was a man of too much discernment not to see that such a farce as some of the judges played would redound to his discredit. They went too far– overdid the matter; hence the universal indignation of exhibitors. And then concludes that "poultry-societies generally merge into mere speculating gatherings, a few receiving most of the premiums, while the uninitiated exhibitor is made a tool to swell the income of those who pull the wires. Many breeders exhibit solely for the sake of the notoriety that their fowls will receive, – a sort of gratuitous advertising," – and it is now got to be "notorious that an order sent to one who receives the first premium for fowls is no more likely, in many cases, to be filled with any better fowls than if sent to one who took no premium at all; as the prize fowls are not often for sale, and very inferior specimens are sent when orders are received."

This information would have answered very well, had it been afforded years ago. Now that the fever has disappeared almost entirely, and now that everybody has been gulled, and gouged, and gorged, with the fulsome and glowing accounts of the asserted reality of this thing, from the pen of this very man among the rest, it comes rather late in the day for such an one to "warn the people," and in such a manner!

But, soon after the exhibition above referred to had closed, the president of the society issued a most astounding "card," declining to receive the premiums awarded him, and in which appears the following sentence:

"In connection with the report of the Judges of the late State Poultry Show, allow me to make a statement. As appears from the report, my birds have been unusually successful in the contest for premiums, sixteen out of twenty distinct varieties exhibited being so honored. This was more than I expected, and more than I honestly think they deserved. And I am strongly of opinion that, had they had more time, they would have come to a different conclusion, in two or three cases."

I was prepared for almost anything in the hen-trade, up to this time; but this performance really astonished me! The man actually refused to take the premiums awarded him! He even went so far as to show the "judges" who ought to have had the prizes, rather than himself. And he actually sent back to the committee the money they forwarded to him after the exhibition was over!!

Now, if this were not sufficient to astonish "the people," I am very much in error regarding the ordinary strength of their nerves. It was an almost immaculate performance; and the "New York State Poultry Society" should positively insist that this extraordinary man (if he can be proved to be sane) should at once accept from them one of the largest-sized leather medals, to be worn next to his gizzard, for this unexampled disinterestedness, and extraordinary sacrifice of self. O, but that gentleman must be "a brick," indeed!

A journal that alluded to this singular circumstance, at the time, asserted that this procedure on the part of the president "was highly commendable in the author, if his statements were made through principle, rather than through fear to encounter public opinion. He stands high in the estimation of the public, and we have ever considered him as strictly honorable in all his business transactions; but we cannot help thinking that 'a screw was loose' somewhere in the matter. His statements are not very flattering to the judgment of the judges, and show that some of them, at least, were not competent to discharge their duties properly," etc.; while, in my opinion, than this, a more bare-faced piece of mush was never yet perpetrated, in the details even of the hen-trade.

This was emphatically among the "death-throes" of the mania. And cards like the following found their way into the newspapers, about this time, in further proof that the valve of this huge balloon had slipped out. An ambitious Western man says:

"I have long been expecting to hear of the swindling operations of a certain dealer, who makes a great display of pretending to have every breed known or bred in this country; and, to my certain knowledge, buys all, or nearly all, of his fowls, as wanted, and as many on credit as he can, but does not pay, nor can the law reach him to make him pay. I believe, also, that the papers that advertise for him are doing it for nothing– that is, that they are not, and never will be paid for it.

"Such a course, in my opinion, is no better than highway robbery; and I hereby give said person fair warning to act honestly hereafter, or I will point him out in a way that shall not be misunderstood, as I cannot see such rascality perpetrated, and remain silent.

"A man who deals in high-priced fowls, in receiving pay in advance, has his customers completely at his mercy, especially when he is not responsible for a copper; and at the rates that fowls sell for – say, from ten dollars to one hundred dollars a pair – purchasers should receive what is promised them, – good specimens of the pure breeds. So far as weight is concerned, a pair of fowls will fall off a few pounds in a journey of a week or less, in a cramped condition, and perhaps without food for a portion of the time; but in other respects justice should be done to the confiding purchaser."

Beautiful! – poetical! – musical! This advertiser, I have no doubt, keeps only pure stock. I do not know who he is; but, if I wanted to buy (which I don't), I should certainly apply to such an honest and justice-loving person, because I should feel assured, after reading such an advertisement, that that man was a professor of religion; and, even if he had the chance, would never fleece me —over the left!

Other fanciers, in their utter desperation (as the fever so positively and now rapidly begun to decline), resorted to the printing of the pedigrees of their stock; and the following advertisements made their appearance late in 1854:

"By the influence of Mr. Ellibeth Watch (editor of the London Polkem Chronicler, and uncle to the Turkish Bashaw with three long tails), I have just procured a few of Prince Albert's famous breed of 'Windsor fowls.' In a letter to me of the 32d day of April, Mr. Watch observes:

'I have positively ordered a trio of Windsor Fowls of Prince Albert, for you. It is the best breed in England, and they are much run after, and cannot be had without giving previous notice; but you are safe to have yours. I have engaged a friend to choose yours for you; and I consider it a great thing to get them direct from the Prince, for you must be aware that persons generally cannot exactly pick and choose from the Prince's own stock. I shall employ an efficient person to have them shipped, etc.'"

In due time this remarkable stock arrived in America, and their pedigrees were duly published; the advertiser being "thus particular," because (as he asserted) "there had been so much imposition upon the public by irresponsible persons claiming to have made importations"!

Now I never entertained the slightest objections to this sort of advertisement, – not I, i'faith! On the contrary, I deem all this kind of thing very excellent, in its way, to be sure. The more the merrier. "The people" want it, and let them have it, say I.

But, at the same time, though the "Porte-Monnaie I owe 'ems" declare that their unrivalled stock comes from Prince Albert's yards, I feel very well assured that all this is a mere guy, it being very well known that His Royal Highness is not engaged in the hen-trade particularly, and of course has something else to do besides supplying even the "Porte-Monnaie Company" with his pigs and chickens.

It was a rare undertaking, this importing live stock (with any expectation of selling it) in the fall of 1854! But we shall soon see who were the final victims of the "fever."

CHAPTER XXXVIII.
THE PORTE-MONNAIE I OWE 'EM COMPANY

It has been said, with much of truth, that "two of a calling rarely agree;" and this applies with force to those engaged in the "hen-trade." Messrs. Mormann and Humm, whom I have before spoken of, couldn't long agree together, and their "dissolution" soon appeared; and, from the ashes of the professional part of this firm, there suddenly arose an entirely new dodge, under the big-sounding title of

"THE PORTE-MONNAIE I OWE 'EM COMPANY."

The presiding genius of this concern was one Doctor Bangit, – an old friend of mine, who had been through wars enough to have killed a regiment of ghouls, who was among the earliest advocates and supporters of the "New England Mutual Admiration Society," who was one of the very first physicians employed in prescribing for the hen fever in this country, and who, I supposed, had had sufficient experience not to embark (at this late day) in such a ridiculous enterprise as this so clearly seemed to be.

But the doctor saw his victims in prospective, probably; and, though he had run the hummery of the fowl-fever so far into the ground that, in his case, it would surely never know a day of resurrection, still he was ambitious and hopeful; and he flattered himself (and some others) that the last man who bought live stock had not yet turned up! And so the doctor pushed on, once more.

The "Blood Stock" of the "Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em Company"¹¹ was thus advertised, also:

"IN addition to the genuine, unadulterated Prince Albert fowls, the 'Porte-Monnaie I owe 'ems' offer pigs, with tails on, of the Winsor, Unproved Essex, Proved Suffolks, Yorkshire, Wild Indian, Bramerpouter, Siam, Hong-Kongo, Emperor Napoleons, and Shanghae Breeds; most of them of new styles, and warranted to hold their colors in any climate.

"Also, Welsh Rarebits – bred from their Merino buck 'Champum,' of England (that didn't take the first prize at the National Show, because Mr. Burnham's 'Knockum' did!), whose ears are each thirty-three feet longer than those of our best pure-bred jackasses, and wider than five snow-shovels, by actual measurement.

"Also, A-quack-it fowls; as Swans (Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em strain), Two-lice, Hong-gong, Brumagem and other Geese. Ruin and Ailsburied Ducks, and Pharmigan Pigeons (blue-billed).

"Also, every breed of Gallinaceous fowls, – Games and other bloods already noted, – together with every species of pure and select blood-stock, which has been secured in Europe, Asia, Africa, and the Arctic Ocean, with reference to quality, without regard to price.

"☞We can furnish pedigrees to all buyers who desire them, which will be endorsed by the faculty of Riply College, Iowa.

"N.B. The 'Winsor' breed of pigs imported by us is a great addition to the already fine hog stock of the United States, and is fully equal, if not superior, to any other breed. They are the very choicest of the royal stock which is so much admired in England. We are in possession of the shipping papers of these splendid pigs. The freight and incidental expenses on them, alone, amount to about six hundred dollars. They ought to be fine pigs. Three hundred dollars a pair for the pigs from this splendid stock would be low, taking their great value into consideration. We have often heard of Prince Albert's stock of pigs, but until G.P. Burnham, Esq., of Russet House, Melrose, first imported this superb stock into this country, no American was ever honored with a shy at this extraordinary breed of swine. The company, at great expense and trouble, prevailed upon Mr. Burnham to part with a few of his second-rate samples; and they have now no doubt that they will be able to 'beat him all to rags,' in a few months, since they have been lucky enough to get them from him purely bred (probably!).

"P.S. Of these pigs, which gained the first prize and gold and silver medal at London in December, 1863, and the first prize and gold and silver medal in Birmingham, were from Tibby, by Wun-eyed Jack. Old Pulgubbin's pigs gained a prize at Mutton-head in 1729, and one at London in 1873."

Still, notwithstanding all this extra flourish of trumpets, the "Porte Monnaie I owe 'em Company" is well-nigh defunct. It was started, unfortunately, about five years and eight months "too late in the season."

Yet, as I honor talent and enterprise, wherever they may be shown, I trust that this association may be galvanized into successful operation – as, perhaps, it will!

CHAPTER XXXIX.
A SATISFACTORY PEDIGREE

In the course of my live-stock experience, and especially during the excitement that prevailed amidst the routine of the hen-trade, I found myself constantly the recipient of scores and hundreds of the most ridiculously unreasonable and meaningless letters, from the fever-struck (and innocent) but uninitiated victims of this epidemic.

In England, amongst other nonsense bearing upon this subject, the more cunning poultry-keepers resorted to the furnishing of pedigrees for the birds they sold. This trick worked to admiration in Great Britain for a time, and the highest-sounding names were given to certain favorite fowls, the progeny of which ("with pedigree attached") commanded the most extravagant and ruinous prices, in the English "fancy" market.

For instance, I noticed in the London papers, in 1852, an account given of the sale of "two splendid cinnamon-colored chickens, out of the famous cock 'Jerry,' by the noted hen 'Beauty,' sired by 'Napoleon,' upon the well-known 'Queen Dowager,' grandsire 'Prince Albert,' on 'Victoria First,'" &c. &c., which brought the handsome sum of one hundred and sixty pounds (or about eight hundred dollars). And, soon afterwards, the same dodge was adopted on this side of the Atlantic. The "Porte-Monnaie I owe 'em Company" have now an advertisement in several New York and Western papers, concluding thus:

"To all who desire it, we will furnish authentic pedigrees of our stock of all descriptions, which may be relied on for their accuracy."

This sort of thing was rather too much for my naturally republican turn of mind; and, though I could endure almost anything in the humbug of this bubble, I couldn't swallow this. I received from New York State, one day, the following spicy epistle:

"Mr. Burnham.

"Sir: I have been a live-stock breeder for some years in this and the old country, and I was desirous to obtain only pure-blooded fowls when I ordered the 'Cochins' of you last month. I asked you for their pedigree. You have sent none. What does this mean? I paid you your price – seventy-five dollars – for three chickens. What have you sent me? Am I dealing with a gentleman? Or are you a mere shambles-huckster? What are these fowls bred from? Perhaps I may find myself called upon to speak more plainly, sir. I hope not. Who are you? I sent for a pedigree, and I want it. I must have it, sir. You will comprehend this, I presume. If you do not, I can enlighten you further. In haste,

" – ."

I smiled at the earnestness of this letter, the more particularly when I reflected that this gentleman always supplied to his patrons a thing he called a pedigree, for all the animals he sold – so intricate, conglomerated and lengthy, that no one would ever venture to dispute the authenticity and reliability of the document he sent them.

I re-read his sharp communication, and I found the sentence again, "Who are you? I sent for a pedigree, and I must have it." And I sat down, at once, and wrote him as follows:

"Melrose, Mass., 1853.

"My Dear Sir:

"Your peppery favor came duly to hand. You say you 'want a pedigree,' and that you 'must have it;' and you inquire who I am? I cannot furnish any such history for my fowls, for I haven't the slightest idea what they are, except that they are bred from my superb imported 'Cochin-Chinas,' which have so long been pronounced the 'admiration of the world.'

"But, since you must have a pedigree, you say, and as you seem anxious to know who I am, I enclose you the following, as an accurate account of my own pedigree, which I furnished to a legal gentleman in New York city, some years since,¹² and which, I presume, will answer your purpose as well as any other would; as I observe, by your polite favor now before me, that you 'want A pedigree.' Please read this carefully, and then inform me (as you promise to do) if you 'can enlighten me further'!

"Very profoundly yours,

"G.P.B."

It will be necessary, in order that my readers may the better appreciate the pedigree that follows (and which I enclosed to my correspondent, as above stated), to inform them that some fifteen years ago, or more, there was a person named Burnham, who died in England, leaving no will behind him; but who was possessed, at the time of his decease, of an immense fortune, said to amount to several millions of pounds sterling in value. As soon as the intelligence reached this country, the Burnhams were greatly elated with their prospects, and meetings of the imaginative "heirs" to this estate were held, who, each and all, believed that a windfall was now in certain prospect before them. The excitement ended as all this sort of thing does. No one among the Burnhams could identify himself, or substantiate the fact of his ever having had a grandfather; and the bubble was soon exploded. Among the parties who were addressed on the subject of this supposed "Burnham fortune," was my humble self; the ambitious lawyer who undertook to unravel the mystery, and to recover the money for us, informing me by mail that "it would be of material pecuniary advantage to me to establish my pedigree." I wrote him as follows:

"My Dear Sir:

"Your favor, under date 4th instant, came duly to hand, and I improve my earliest moment of leisure (after the unavoidable delays attendant upon procuring the information you seek) to reply. You are desirous of being made acquainted with my 'pedigree.'

"I have to inform you that I have taken some days to examine into this matter, and, after a careful investigation of the 'records,' find that I am a descendant, in the direct line, from a gentleman, very well remembered in these parts, by the name of Adam. The old man had two sons. 'Cain' and 'Abel' they were called. The latter, by the other's hands, went dead one day; but as no coroner had then been appointed in the county where they resided, 'verdict was postponed.' A third son was born, whom they called 'Seth.' Cain Adam had a son named Enoch, who had a son (in the fourth generation) by the name of Malech. Malech had a son whom he called Noah, from whom I trace directly my own being.

"Noah had three sons, 'Shem,' 'Ham' and 'Japheth.' The eldest and youngest – Shem and Japheth – were a couple of the 'b'hoys;' and Ham was a very well-disposed young gentleman, who slept at home o' nights. But his two brothers, unfortunately, were not so well inclined. Ham was a sort of 'jethro' – the butt of his two brothers, who had done him 'brown' so many times, that they called him 'burnt.' For many years he was known, therefore, as 'Burnt-Ham.' Before his death he applied to the Legislature in his diggings for a change of name. He dropped the t, a bill was passed entitling him to the name of Burn-ham, and hence the surname of your humble servant. So much for the name.

"In several of the newspapers of that period I find allusions made to a very severe rain-storm which occurred 'just about this time;' and the public prints (of all parties) agree that 'this storm was tremendous,' and that 'an immense amount of damage was done to the shipping and commercial interest.' As this took place some six thousand years back, however, you will not, I presume, expect me to quote the particular details of this circumstance, except in so far as refers directly to my own relatives. I may here add, however, that subsequent accounts inform me that everything of any particular value was totally destroyed. A private letter from Ham, dated at the time, declares that 'there wasn't a peg left to hang his hat on.'

"Old Noah found it was 'gittin' werry wet under foot' (to use a familiar expression of his), and he wisely built a canal-boat (of very generous dimensions) for the safety of himself and family. Finding that the rain continued, he enlarged his boat, so that he could carry a very considerable amount of luggage, in case of accident. This foresight in the old gentleman proved most fortunate, and only confirms the established opinion, that the family is 'smart;' for the 'storm continued unabated for forty days and forty nights' (so say the accounts), until every species of animal and vegetable matter had been 'used up,' always excepting the old gentleman's canal-boat and cargo.

"Now, Noah was a great lover of animals. 'Of every kind, a male and female,' did he take into his boat with him, and 'a nice time' they must have had of it for six weeks! Notwithstanding the fact (which I find recorded in one of the journals of the day), that 'a gentleman, who was swimming about, and who requested the old man to let him in, upon being refused, declared that he might go to grass with his old canoe, for he didn't think it would be much of a shower, anyhow,' – I say, notwithstanding this opinion of the gentleman, who is represented as having been a 'very expert swimmer,' everything was destroyed.

"Ham was one of 'em —he was! He 'knew sufficient to get out of the rain,' albeit he wasn't thought very witty. He took passage with the rest, however, and thus did away with the necessity of a life-preserver. From Ham I trace my pedigree directly down through all the grades, to King Solomon, without any difficulty, who, by the way, was reported to have been a little loose in his habits, and was very fond of the ladies and Manzanilla Sherry. He used to sing songs, too, of which 'the least said the soonest mended.' But, on the whole, Sol was a very clever, jolly-good fellow, and on several occasions gave evidence of possessing his share of the cunning natural to our family. Some thought him 'wise;' but, although I have no disposition to abuse any of my ancestors, I think the Queen of Sheba (a very nice young woman she was, too) rather 'come it' over the old fellow!

"By a continuous chain, I trace my relationship thence through a rather tortuous line, from generation to generation, down to Mr. Matthew, – not the comedian, but to Matthew, the Collector (of Galilee, I think), who 'sat at the receipt of customs.' To this connection I was, undoubtedly, indebted for an appointment in the Boston Custom-house. Matthew lived in the good old 'high tariff' times, when something in the shape of duties was coming in. But, as nothing is said of his finale, I rather think he absquatulated with the funds of the government. But I will come to the information you desire, without further ado.

"You know the 'Old 'Un,' undoubtedly. (If you don't, there is very little doubt but you will know his namesake hereafter, if you don't cease to squander your time in looking after the plunder of the Burnham family!) Well, the 'Old 'Un' is in the 'direct line,' to which I have now endeavored to turn your attention; and I have been called, of late years, the 'Young 'Un,' for reasons that will not interest you. To my honored senior (whom I set down in the category as my legitimate 'dad') I would refer you for further particulars. He is tenacious of the character of his progeny, and loves me; I would commend you to him, for it will warm the cockles of his old heart to learn that the 'Young 'Un' is in luck.

"If you chance to live long enough to get as far down in my letter as this paragraph, allow me to add that, should you happen to receive any very considerable amount as my share of the 'property' for the Burnham family, please not overlook the fact that I am I 'one of 'em,' and that I have taken pains to tell you 'whar I cum from.' Please forward my dividend by Adams & Co.'s Express (if their crates should be big enough to convey it), and if it should prove too bulky, turn it into American gold, and charter a steamer to come round for the purpose; I shan't mind the expense.

"In conclusion, I can only intimate the high consideration I entertain towards yourself for having prepaid the postage upon your communication; a very unusual transaction with legal gentlemen. My sensations, upon closing this hasty scrawl, are, I fancy, very nearly akin to those of the Hibernian who 'liked to have found a sovereign once,' – but you will allow me to assure you that it will afford me the greatest pleasure to meet you hereafter, and I shall be happy to give you any further information in my power touching that 'putty' in prospective.

"I am, very respectfully, your obedient servant,

"Geo. P. Burnham, alias the 'Young 'Un.'"

I presume this pedigree was perfectly satisfactory to my correspondent; and I am quite certain that it was of as much account as this kind of thing usually is. At any rate, I heard nothing more from him, in any way; and I made up my mind, therefore, that, after reading this, he concluded that he couldn't "enlighten me further," as he had so pertly suggested in his communication, quoted in the beginning of this chapter. He is a very nice man, I have no manner of doubt.