Kitabı oku: «Freaks»
Caroline Smailes and Nik Perring
Freaks!
Illustrated by Darren Craske
Dedication
To all who, if only for a moment,
felt that they didn’t belong.
Epigraph
‘But Lord! to see the absurd nature of Englishmen, that cannot forbear laughing and jeering at everything that looks strange’
SAMUEL PEPYS (1633–1703)
Contents
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
The Photocopier
Statuesque
Charlie and the Bees
The Six Days of Stetson
She Sees, Too
The Freak Show
Clipped Wings
In Her Basket
Fifty Per Cent
Invisible
Sixteen
Faulty Baby
Dancing With Annie
Soup
The Boner
Hello
One Day
Zombie Bangers
Getting the Girl
They Are There to Listen
Weight
Molly
Dear You
Control
No Sudden Movements
Dream Lover
Once I Caught a Fish Alive
Before I Lost You
The Plastic Boy
Translated
The Girl Who Made People Glad
My Boss
My Lover’s Shoes Don’t Fit Me (Any More)
Skinny Bitch
The Watermelon King
Dolly’s Magic Sweater
Jimmy Swift
Damaged
My Dad’s Boyfriend
Betty
I Want You to Ride Me Like a Pony
Magic Beans
Boy
What He Said
Wish You Were Here
Beauty
Maman, Flying
Acknowledgements
About the Authors
Other Books by Caroline Smailes, Nik Perring and Darren Craske
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
THE FREAKS:
Some of these stories have been written by Nik. Some of these stories have been written by Caroline. Some we’ve written together. But in the true spirit of superheroes, we couldn’t possibly reveal our identities.
THE STORIES:
The Photocopier. Statuesque. Charlie and the Bees. The Six Days of Stetson. She Sees Too. The Freak Show. Clipped Wings. In Her Basket. Fifty Per Cent (1). Fifty Per Cent (2). Invisible. Sixteen. Faulty Baby. Dancing With Annie. Soup. The Boner. Hello. One Day. Zombie Bangers. Getting the Girl. They Are There to Listen. Weight. Molly. Dear You. Control. No Sudden Movements. Dream Lover (1). Dream Lover (2). Once I Caught a Fish Alive. Before I Lost You. The Plastic Boy. Translated. The Girl Who Made People Glad. My Boss. My Lover’s Shoes Don’t Fit Me (Any More). Skinny Bitch. The Watermelon King. Dolly’s Magic Sweater. Jimmy Swift. Damaged. My Dad’s Boyfriend. Betty. I Want You to Ride Me Like a Pony. Magic Beans. Boy. What He Said. Wish You Were Here (1). Wish You Were Here (2). Beauty. Maman, Flying.
The day after me thirteenth birthday me mum said she had something massive to tell me. At first I reckoned she was going to say that me dad wasn’t me dad or that she was pregnant with Bill from next door’s sperm, but instead she just stood up and started spinning on the spot. At first I reckoned she’d lost the plot but then she started exploding.
And five other mums shot out of her.
I swear to Christ it was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen. There was me with wee in me knickers, with six of me mums standing there smiling at me like nutters. Me Main Mum said that the reason she was showing me her true self was ’cause she reckoned that I was a photocopier like her and that we’d know for sure in a couple of months.
I reckon I spent most of that year spinning on the spot in the front room with me six mums cheering me on, and me Main Mum telling me to spin faster or that I wasn’t trying me hardest or that I needed to want it more. Course I never went
It was just me getting dizzy and trying not to throw up on me mums’ carpet. But still, every day, I kept practising me spinning, faster and faster on that very same spot, hoping to Christ that one day me mums’d say I’d done good.
After that year me six mums sat me down and me Main Mum told me that they reckoned it was time I gave up me spinning. She said they’d been talking, her and me other mums, and that they’d figured that I’d never be like them. Me Main Mum said they reckoned that it was about time I concentrated on being ordinary.
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