Kitabı oku: «Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers», sayfa 9

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REACHED HIS LIMIT

After coming in from a 20-mile “hike” the officer in command of a negro company said, before dismissing them: “I want all the men who are too tired to take another hike to take two paces forward.”

All stepped forward except one big, husky six-footer. Noticing him, the officer said: “Well, Johnson, ready for twenty miles more?”

“No, sah,” replied Johnson. “Ah’m too tired to even take dem two steps.”

SEEKING INFORMATION

Sambo, a dusky warrior in the American army, had only recently landed, and was comparing London with New York. He paused before a shop window full of watches. His gaze became fixed on a very shiny watch on a velvet cushion, on which was pinned a card bearing the words, “This watch will go for eight days without winding.”

Sambo pondered, and then walked straight into the shop: “Say, boss, will you tell how long dat darn watch will go if you do wind it up?”

BIRDS FAR SURPASSED

“Look at that fellow doing the ‘falling leaf,’ the ‘tail spin,’ and other fancy tricks away up there in the air.”

“I see him.”

“I never thought I’d live to see a man as much at home in the air as a bird.”

“Umph! No bird is in the same class with an expert aviator when it comes to flying. Did you ever see a bird that could fly upside down?”

NO KICK COMING

Camp Devens, Mass. – Seven hundred and fifty medical replacement troops have just left this camp for service overseas. Just before their departure a sergeant from the Depot Brigade came to Lieut. – Col. C. C. McCornack, Division Surgeon, and asked for a transfer to the detachment then about to leave.

“Colonel,” he pleaded, “I’ve been in this doggone army more than a year. In that time I’ve scarcely set foot outside this camp. If I don’t get across now, I never will. I’ll be a hell of a soldier, won’t I?”

Col. McCornack leaned back in his chair and laughed.

“Sergeant,” he said, “you’ve got a fine chance of getting any sympathy out of me on that score. I’ve been in the Army twenty years and haven’t got across. What are you kicking about?”

A REAL SPREE

The Liberty Bond squad had some interesting experiences. “I am not subscribing for this $50 Liberty Bond to please you,” explained a woman, as doleful as she is wealthy. “I am doing it to please my own self.”

“Make it $100,” said the young solicitor, “and give yourself one roaring, rousing good time.”

MOVING PICTURE IN ONE REEL

The chaplain of a certain camp was challenged by a sentry with, “Halt! Who goes there?”

The minister answered, “Chaplain.”

“Advance, Charlie,” ordered the sentry, “and be recognized.” For which he was banished to the guardroom.

USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL

The flappers were taken out to tea by two staff officers resplendent in scarlet and khaki. Being “on the staff” caused the two young men to be very popular with themselves, and to treat the flappers rather patronizingly. The younger of the two girls was lost in admiration. Looking up her escort adoringly, she cooed:

“O, what lovely boots! And spurs, too! Why do you wear spurs?”

“O,” chipped in the other girl, who objected to being regarded as an infant, “the spurs are to keep the feet from slipping off their office stools!”

THE MILITARY HAIR CUT

A grizzled chap in a captain’s uniform came into a barber shop. He saluted smartly and seated himself in the chair.

“Hair cut,” he said in gruff tones.

“How would you like it cut, sir?” the barber asked.

The captain, who was baldish, answered, gruffer than ever:

“Line up the hairs and number off to the right. Odd numbers each want a half inch off. Dress smartly with bay rum and brilliantine. Then dismiss.”

BASEBALL IN BLIGHTY

An American officer recently expressed his surprise that English people had so quickly appreciated the fascinations of baseball, and particularly how very enthusiastic women were on the game.

“Why, at the Navy and Army match the other week,” he said, “I counted quite twenty ‘fans’ among the women sitting around me.”

“Yes,” said a charming old lady, “and I wished I had taken mine, for the heat was terribly trying.”

UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT

An American soldier was being shown over an old English church where hundreds of people were buried.

“A great many people sleep between these walls,” said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered floor.

“So?” said the doughboy. “Same way over in our country. Why don’t you get a more interesting preacher?”

SAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORY

It was a hot day, and two sailors had just been released from a long spell of duty on a mine sweeper. They made a bee-line for the first public-house they saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. The men emptied their mugs in one draught whilst the barmaid looked on in undisguised admiration.

The man who had paid stood for a second or two wetting his lips meditatively, and then turned to his comrade with a grin.

“’Tain’t so bad, Bill, is it?” he remarked. “Shall we ’ave some?”

NO FUN WITHOUT FUNDS

A New York editor said on his return from an official visit to the front:

“The soldier can still have a good time on his furlough, but the war prices make a good time costly.

“A handsome young American officer was sending a wire one day in a London postoffice where I was mailing a package. The girl telegraph clerk, running over the officer’s message said:

“‘I can’t make out whether this reads ”No funds“ or ”No fun.“’

“‘Oh, well, what’s the difference?’ said the officer, gloomily lighting a cigarette.”

THOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED

One of our transports sailing from an Atlantic port, heading for France with a load of negro troops, had engine trouble two days out. It was decided that the ship put back to port, and it returned, but to a different pier of that same port.

The dusky warriors were immediately unloaded and made ready to embark on another ship. While standing in line, one of the braves stepped out and walking up to an officer asked:

“Ah beg yo’ pardin, sah, but can you tell me whar the city of Paris lies fum hyere?”