Kitabı oku: «Can I Let You Go?: Part 2 of 3: A heartbreaking true story of love, loss and moving on»

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Chapter Nine: Innocent Remarks

Chapter Ten: Change of Heart

Chapter Eleven: Anniversary

Chapter Twelve: ‘Good Enough’ Parenting

Chapter Thirteen: A Sense of Occasion

Chapter Fourteen: Unethical

Chapter Fifteen: Optimistic

Moving Memoirs eNewsletter

About the Publisher

Chapter Nine
Innocent Remarks

One of the issues a parent or carer may encounter when looking after a child or adult with a learning disability is with communication and language difficulties: understanding their wishes and needs. Faye had adequate language skills to see her through everyday situations, but she wouldn’t necessarily be able to define, identify or verbalize complex emotions, as the average adult would. In children I’d seen this come out in angry, frustrated outbursts, but in Faye’s case it appeared she’d been internalizing her feelings to protect her grandparents. Although Becky hadn’t said an awful lot, it was enough to persuade Faye that it was all right for her to start talking to me about being pregnant and the baby. After Becky left, Faye continued doing the jigsaw puzzle and then asked if she could help me cook dinner tonight. I said of course she could and that I was planning on making a casserole, which I needed to prepare now, as it required a long, slow cook.

In the kitchen Faye helped me to collect together the ingredients we needed from the fridge and cupboards, and to wash them. I then gave her a knife and, following my example, she stood beside me at the worktop, peeling, chopping and slicing the ingredients and placing them into the casserole dish. Snuggles sat propped up at the end of the counter, watching us.

‘Have you ever had a baby in your tummy?’ Faye suddenly asked as we worked, which took me by surprise.

‘Yes. Twice. First with Adrian and then Paula. It seems incredible now that they were that small once,’ I added reflectively.

‘What about Lucy?’ Faye asked.

‘She wasn’t in my tummy. She was in another woman’s tummy, her birth mother’s. She is my adopted daughter.’ I glanced at Faye. ‘Like your baby is going to be adopted, but you will always be her birth mother.’

‘Becky said she is going to find a really nice mummy and daddy for my baby,’ Faye said.

‘Yes, I’m sure she will.’ I didn’t know what stage the process of identifying adoptive parents for Faye’s baby had reached, but I guessed the search for a suitable match had already begun, and it wouldn’t take long. There are thousands of childless couples wanting to adopt a baby, although the baby would be placed with a foster carer to begin with until the legal process was complete. It hadn’t really been appropriate to ask Becky how soon after the birth the baby would be taken from Faye as I’d intended to, but Faye now said, ‘Becky told me I could have a photograph of me holding my baby, if I wanted to. I’ve told her no. Gran and Grandpa said it would be too upsetting.’

‘I can understand that,’ I said. ‘Some find it helpful.’

‘Gran says that once I’ve had the baby and go home we need to try to forget it, and carry on with our lives.’

I nodded noncommittally but thought that might be easier said than done.

‘Does Lucy’s birth mother have a photograph of her?’ Faye asked, placing another slice of carrot into the casserole dish.

‘Yes. She still sees her sometimes.’ I stopped, wondering if this was the wisest conversation to be having and if it might confuse Faye. ‘It was different with Lucy,’ I said. ‘She was much older when she came to me – eleven, not a baby.’

‘Why?’ Faye asked.

‘Lucy had a very unsettled and unhappy childhood. She had to live in a number of different homes before she came to me. That won’t happen to your baby. It will have a lovely mummy and daddy right from being a baby, which will be much better.’

Faye nodded. We’d finished chopping the carrots and I now passed her a celery stick to chop, while I took an onion. ‘Same chopping motion,’ I said. ‘And be careful of your fingers. We don’t want finger in the casserole.’

Faye laughed while I mused, feeling relieved, that not only was Faye now talking about her baby, but also adoption. All it had taken was a few appropriate words of encouragement from her social worker.

‘Is Lucy’s mummy …’ Faye began.

‘Birth mother,’ I corrected.

‘Is Lucy’s birth mother happy that Lucy is living with you?’

‘Yes, I think she is. She struggled for a long time to try to look after Lucy, so she’s pleased she’s settled now.’ I felt tears spring to the backs of my eyes, as they always did when I thought of Lucy’s early life and her suffering. I tell Lucy’s story in my book Will You Love Me?

‘I won’t struggle, will I?’ Faye asked.

‘No, you won’t. You will have your gran and grandpa to look after you. And when you think of your baby, which you will do sometimes, you’ll know it is loved and well cared for.’ I reached for a tissue to wipe my eyes. ‘It must be those onions,’ I said.

When I served the casserole that evening I told Paula, Lucy and Adrian that Faye had helped me make it and they were very complimentary. Far more complimentary than when I alone made dinner. Their praise and kind comments pleased Faye, and she said she wanted to help me again another time. As it was Friday – the end of the working week – Adrian and Lucy went out in the evening and Paula had a friend over. I asked Faye if she would like to invite Emma, her friend from the day centre, here one time. I explained I could speak to her parents and collect and return her in the car if necessary.

‘No,’ Faye said, pulling a face. ‘I don’t want her here.’

‘Why?’

‘She doesn’t like watching the television programmes I do.’

I kept my smile to myself. Faye was serious. ‘I see. How do you know that?’

‘We talk about what we do in the evenings at the day centre. That’s how I know.’

‘Well, if she came here you wouldn’t need to watch television. You could do something else, like puzzles, board games, play cards, or we could do some cooking – maybe make a pizza? Or you could sit and chat and listen to music, like Lucy and Paula do.’ I tried to make it sound exciting and enticing. I thought it would do Faye good to see her friend, as she wasn’t going to the day centre. I appreciated how difficult it was for her grandparents with their limited mobility to organize a visit.

‘Nah,’ Faye said, sounding like a teenager. ‘I’ll see her when I go to the day centre again. I’d rather watch television.’

‘OK. Tell me if you change your mind.’

On Saturday I took Faye on the bus to see her grandparents, and once I was home again I had a small window of opportunity to spend time with Lucy, Adrian and Paula before I had to leave again to collect Faye. Lucy asked why I didn’t collect Faye in the car and I explained that I had to familiarize her with the route so she could visit her grandparents alone, but that we hadn’t reached that point yet. Going was fine; the correct bus stop in the high street was easy to identify, as was the stop at the other end, because it was in the area Faye knew well. But on the return journey Faye wasn’t recognizing the landmarks in the high street in time to push the bell to signal to the driver she wanted the bus to stop.

Stan and Wilma greeted me warmly when I arrived at three o’clock to collect Faye, and Wilma asked after my family. Then, as I waited for Faye to put on her coat and shoes, Wilma asked how the visit from the social worker had gone the day before.

‘Very well,’ I said. ‘Didn’t Faye say?’

‘No,’ Stan said. ‘We couldn’t get a word out of her about it.’ I could understand why. It would be uncomfortable for Faye to tell her grandparents that she’d agreed to talk about her pregnancy to me but not to them, so it was easier to say nothing, which was what she tended to do when faced with awkward situations.

‘The antenatal appointment yesterday morning went well too,’ I said. ‘Although Faye didn’t say much. Health-wise, everything is as it should be.’

They nodded, and I knew this was probably as much information as they wanted about the antenatal check-up, preferring to ignore the pregnancy as Faye had been doing, and was still doing with them.

Before we left to catch the bus back I confirmed that Faye would be visiting them again on Monday – she was seeing them every other day when possible. Stan came with us to the elevator to say goodbye, and then as we descended I asked Faye if she’d had a nice day, as I usually did. She said she had and that their neighbours had ‘popped in for a cup of tea and a chat’ and had spent the afternoon with them. The couple were a similar age to her grandparents and Faye had clearly enjoyed their company.