Kitabı oku: «His Christmas Redemption», sayfa 2
She put an extra couple of staples in the section then climbed down. “Help me move this so I can get the last part.”
Lance made his annoyed noise again. “Why don’t you let me do it?”
Maybe it was petty, but this was typical Lance, not approving of her actions but then stepping in to do it for her to show how magnanimous he was.
“I’ve got it, thanks,” she said, moving the ladder and returning to her position.
“It’ll take you two trips up and down and moving the ladder again. I’ve got a longer reach.”
Technically true. But she was already up.
The first staple went in strong and satisfying. That was the other reason she wanted to do this. Maybe it would help him make peace with the past to see just how much she no longer needed him. As Erin pulled the next section of lights toward her, reaching to where she wanted to place it, her foot slipped. The metal ladder was getting slippery with the snow coming down. She probably should have let Lance do this one. He’d been right about her reach and she wouldn’t risk another trip up and down again.
Maybe if she secured the end instead of leaving it hanging loose, she could come back another day and re-fasten it. She tugged at the end, which had gotten caught on one of the rungs.
“Be careful,” Lance said.
She pulled on the end again, trying to angle it out of where it was caught. Her trick worked, freeing the strand.
She spied one of the hooks they’d used last year to put wooden cutouts on the roof. The cutouts hadn’t lasted beyond the first storm, but this remaining hook was perfect for looping the last of the string and securing it. However, as she reached for it, her foot slipped again. It wasn’t until she was on her way to the ground that she realized just how seriously she’d misjudged the distance.
Her arm holding the stapler hit the ladder and it seemed weird to notice that she was still holding her stapler. Especially since, when she hit the ground, she was pretty sure there were three Lances staring down at her.
Lance had gotten Erin to the hospital as quickly as he could. It was obvious, even without a doctor looking at it, she’d likely broken both her right arm and her left foot. Based on some of the strange things she’d said, he was also pretty sure she had a concussion. As an avid outdoorsman, he was well-versed in first aid.
The boys had brought along some books and games. It was hard watching them interact and wondering if this could have been his life, too. He and Erin had planned on having other children, but they hadn’t been so fortunate, and maybe that was for the best.
Ryan came over and handed him a book. “Will you read to me? I’m bored with coloring.”
The little boy didn’t wait for a response but climbed up into his lap. “You might not be my uncle anymore, but I like you. I hope you do the voices better than Uncle Nando.”
Was it getting warmer in the waiting room? His throat felt like sandpaper as he opened the book and tried to read. How hard was it to say “The Amazing World of Dinosaurs”? But it physically hurt his throat to try.
“You can read, can’t you?” Ryan asked. He pointed to a word. “That one says ‘dinosaur.’ Dylan says I just have it memorized because I read so many dinosaur books. But I actually know how to read. Not all the words, because I haven’t gone to school yet. Just preschool.”
Maybe Lance should have put on one of those masks they offered at the front door to help stop the spread of germs. He was obviously coming down with something.
“I can read. ‘The Amazing World of Dinosaurs,’” Lance said. “But you already know that.”
Ryan rewarded him with a wide grin and snuggled closer. It had been more than two years since Lance had held a child in his arms. He took a deep breath, inhaling the warm little-boy scent that hadn’t changed all that much. Leah still obviously used the same children’s shampoo.
As he started to read, the tightness in Lance’s chest relaxed. He glanced at Dylan, who looked up from his book and smiled.
They hadn’t gotten very far into their book when the nurse came out.
Lance stood. “Is Erin okay? Can we see her?”
The nurse smiled. “I’m going to bring you back. The doctor would like to keep her overnight for observation. With her injuries, it will be better for her to be where we can watch over her and help her for these first few hours.”
The nurse hesitated then continued. “I’ll be honest. She’s been arguing with us about going home tonight. She is worried about the boys. I asked her if you were a danger to them and she said no. But she’s worried about being an imposition. Is that how you feel about her?”
Erin had said the same thing when she’d first asked him to take her to the hospital. What was he supposed to do, leave an injured woman to figure it out herself? Granted they were no longer married, so he didn’t owe her anything. But he’d like to think he was still a decent human being who would step in to help whenever someone needed it. He let out a long sigh.
“She’s not an imposition. I know she worries about it, but she worries too much. The boys and I will be fine.”
The nurse gave him a relieved smile. “That’s what I thought would be the response because I passed by here a couple of times and watched you with the boys. If you’d like a few minutes alone with her to discuss arrangements, I’d be happy to keep them occupied.”
He helped the boys gather their things and then the nurse led them into the exam room, where Erin was dressed in a hospital gown, her arm in a cast, her leg in a boot and a sour look on her face. “I think they’re overreacting,” she said before he even entered. “I’m fine. I just need to be in my own bed.”
He studied her face. The strained expression of pain was gone, but when he glanced at the IV they’d put in her, he wondered if they’d given her something for it. She’d probably argued about that, as well, but hopefully it would take the edge off so she could feel better.
“Do you remember hitting your head when you fell?” he asked.
She let out a long sigh. “It all happened so fast. There are pieces of my fall I don’t remember.”
“That’s because you have a concussion,” the nurse said, entering the room. She turned to Ryan and Dylan. “I have to go check on the room where your aunt is going to spend the night. Do you boys want to come and give me a hand?”
The boys gave an enthusiastic yes but Lance waited until the door closed behind them before he turned to Erin. “I agree with the nurse that you should spend the night. It’s a lot safer for you if you’re here, especially given that it’s going to be hard getting used to going around in a walking boot, with a cast on your opposite arm, and maintaining your balance.”
Erin let out a long sigh. “I don’t want to be a bother. I’m not your responsibility anymore.”
“Maybe not as my wife, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to help someone in need. The snow hasn’t let up. We’re all better off staying put for the night, rather than trying to make it over the pass. I saw a sign for a hotel just a block or so away. The boys and I can hunker down, and you can get some rest. Driving home tomorrow will be much safer for us all.”
She hated driving in the snow and she hated driving with him in the snow. She thought he drove too fast and took too many risks. He thought she worried too much. He’d never had an accident, but he could use her fear of one to convince her to stay tonight.
“I was worried about that. The roads getting bad, that is.” A weary look crossed her face. “You’re sure you won’t mind taking the boys overnight?”
“I’m not a monster,” he said.
He couldn’t read the expression on her face as she held her free hand out to him. “Come here.”
When he reached her side, she took his hand in hers. “I never thought you were,” she said. “We just...” Erin closed her eyes for a moment. “I needed a different level of connection than you could give me. It doesn’t make either one of us monsters. We’re just not compatible.”
A tear ran down her cheek and, for the first time, he wondered if maybe their divorce had been just as hard on her as it had been on him.
But she’d left him. Any regret she might feel at that action was her fault.
She pulled her hand out of his and wiped at her cheek. “Sorry. The medications they gave me are making me emotional. I know how you hate that. Anyway, my concern over being an imposition is that I don’t want to make you ruin your plans just because of my clumsiness.”
“I don’t have any plans,” he said.
Now would be the perfect time to explain that Chad had essentially relieved him of his duties at work until he could deal with his grief. But Erin yawned as she nodded slowly. Maybe not. She wasn’t in the right frame of mind to discuss anything important.
The door opened and the nurse reentered with the boys. “I know you just got to see her, but she does need her rest and visiting hours are almost over. So say your goodbyes and you can see her in the morning.”
Before they could leave, a doctor entered the room. “Good. Your family hasn’t left. I was hoping to catch them.”
He turned to Lance and held out his hand. “Steve Purcell,” he said. “I just want to be sure that when Erin goes home tomorrow, she won’t be going home alone.”
The doctor explained Erin’s injuries to Lance and none of it surprised him. Nor did it come as a shock when the doctor said, “She’s not capable of being on her own right now. I can’t release her unless I know there’s going to be a responsible adult with her in the house to look after the boys. Their mother, perhaps?”
Lance glanced over at Erin, who wore a panicked expression on her face, like she was afraid of what answer he would give.
“The boys’ mother is on her honeymoon,” Lance said, turning his attention back to the doctor.
“Don’t you dare call her.” Erin sat straighter in her bed, whatever grogginess she’d been feeling during their conversation seemingly gone. “Leah has been working really hard to save up for this trip. You can’t ruin it and make her come home early. I’ll be fine. Please.”
It was just like Erin to be worried about ruining Leah’s honeymoon. Were it anyone else, he would insist on calling. But she was right. If Leah knew that Erin had been injured, she would change her plans and come straight home. He didn’t want that for her. Even Lance could admit that his ex-sister-in-law deserved to enjoy her honeymoon.
“Please,” Erin said more gently. “I can do this. I’m far more capable than anyone gives me credit for.”
“I understand what you’re saying,” Lance said slowly. “I wouldn’t want to ruin Leah’s honeymoon, either. I’ll stay with you. I’ll help with the boys.”
She gave him a hopeful look. “You would do that? What about your job?”
He nodded. “I’m on a bit of an extended vacation.”
It was the closest to the truth he could give right now, especially in front of all these people.
This time when Erin slumped back against her pillows, all the fight had left her. It had clearly taken all of her energy to protect her sister and now the medication had won.
“All right.” She turned to look at the doctor. “You heard him. Lance is going to stay with us. And even though he doesn’t have to, I appreciate it. You can fill him in on any necessary information. My sister is back in two weeks and she can take over then.”
It was obvious she hadn’t wanted to agree to letting him stay but she’d had no other choice. And while spending the next two weeks taking care of Erin wasn’t high on Lance’s priority list, maybe it would allow him to discover the elusive peace he’d been hoping to find.
As they left the hospital room he took a final glance back at Erin, who was already drifting off to sleep. He didn’t understand his tender feelings for her at this moment. Maybe it was because she was injured. But he’d do well to remind himself not to let his heart get entangled with hers again.
Chapter Two
“We need to make cookies,” Erin said as Lance helped her out of the car when they got back to the ranch the next day.
“You just got home,” he said. “Let’s get you settled in and maybe, in a few days, we’ll give it a go.”
Even though Lance had known about Erin’s love for Christmas, he hadn’t expected she’d want to continue her activities as normal when she got home. But he should have guessed, considering how important it was to her. As he watched the defiant expression cross her face, he knew this wasn’t going to be an easy battle.
That had always been the trouble with Erin. When she got something stuck in her mind, it was almost impossible to convince her to see sense. Wasn’t that what had gotten her into this position in the first place?
He’d told her to let him finish the lights. Had she listened? No. And in a careless moment she’d been injured. At least this time it was only her safety she’d compromised. But what if he hadn’t been able to take care of her? What would she have done with the boys? Would she have had to call her sister home?
Even though everyone told him that Lily’s death was nothing more than a tragic accident, Lance knew that if only Erin had been more careful, more responsible, she would have remembered to lock the door and wouldn’t have fallen asleep. Maybe then, their daughter would still be alive.
“I’ll be fine,” she insisted, struggling to get out of her seat.
As much as Erin claimed she felt fine, she’d slept almost the entire drive back to the ranch. He’d had enough injuries of his own to know that a concussion took longer than most people thought to heal. Add in the pain from her fall and she wasn’t going to be fine for a long time.
“You’ve only just gotten out of the hospital, so let’s take it one step at a time. Starting with getting you into the house.”
He tried not to laugh as she glared at him. It was almost fun, watching her squirm. The look on her face as she glanced down at her foot then up at the stairs leading to the porch was priceless. Though they’d put her in a walking boot, the cast on her right arm would make it difficult for her to grab on to anything for balance.
Plus, it was hard to take her seriously when she was wearing a gaudy Christmas sweater with a giant llama on the front that said, “I llama wish you a Merry Christmas.” Her outfit was absolutely ridiculous, but when she was in the hospital, Lance and the boys had stopped at a discount store to buy them all some necessities for their overnight stay, as well as some things for Lance’s stay at Erin’s, and the boys had insisted that Erin needed that sweater.
She’d accepted the boys’ gift with dignity, but he could tell by the horrified expression on her face that it was a bit much, even for her. Her acceptance of the ugly sweater was one of the many things he’d always loved about her. Erin’s warmth always made people feel...
Lance shook his head. There was a big difference between finding peace with their relationship and remembering those feelings. Best to focus on the task at hand.
“Put your arm around my neck,” he said, bending beside the car. “You can balance on me until you get the hang of walking in that thing.”
She nodded slowly as she scooted out of the seat, putting her arm around him. She’d been in his arms only the day before, when he’d taken her to the hospital, but this felt different. Like... He couldn’t put words to it. But he liked the feeling of Erin trusting him and relying on him. They’d once had it and, somehow, they’d lost it.
Once he got her into the house, he took her to the family room. The space was cozy, with couches arranged by a fireplace and half-opened boxes of decorations in the corner. Some of the decorations were already in place but, judging from the boxes, Erin had a lot more to go.
“Is that end of the couch a recliner?” Lance asked. “The nurse said you should keep your foot elevated as much as possible.”
“Yes,” Erin said. “But I told you, I need to bake cookies today. I have a list, and if I don’t stick to the schedule, I won’t have everything done by the time my sisters get home. We’ll only have a few days before Christmas then, and I don’t want them worrying about everything I didn’t finish.”
Was she kidding? Of course not. Erin didn’t kid about Christmas. If the halls weren’t decked to the nines, she wasn’t happy. And right now, even though most people would call the house decorations perfectly fine, he knew it wasn’t up to Erin’s standards.
Even though Erin would have hated the comparison, her insistence on perfect Christmas décor reminded him of his mother. The only difference was that his mother always hired professional decorators and hosted parties to show off her efforts.
He could at least be thankful Erin wasn’t one to throw a party. How he hated his mother’s parties, with all the fake cheer and plastic smiles, pretending to be the perfect family.
At least Erin never pretended things were perfect when they weren’t.
“They’re going to understand,” Lance told her. “You’ve got a broken ankle and a broken arm. It’s not going to kill anyone to not have everything done perfectly. Besides, if you bake the cookies now, they’ll be spoiled by Christmas.”
“Not if you freeze them,” she said, removing her arm from his shoulder. “And just because you hate Christmas doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t celebrate the way we want.”
“I do not hate Christmas,” he said through gritted teeth. They’d barely gotten Erin home and already they were starting in to their old patterns. “I just think that all this nonsense isn’t necessary. There’s nothing wrong with getting some cookies from the bakery, dumping a packet of hot chocolate into a mug of hot water, and sitting in front of a tree that doesn’t look like Rudolph vomited on it.”
“That’s disgusting,” Erin said as she stepped away. “And that is exactly the problem between us. I see the beauty in holiday decorations and you want to compare them to animal waste.”
At this rate, she was going to take another tumble. Maybe not off a ladder, but it was still going to hurt.
“I just think less is more,” he said, trying to sound calm. “It’s your house, and you can do whatever you want. But the nurse said you have to stay off that foot and keep it elevated for the first few days.”
He held an arm out to her. “Come on, Erin. I don’t want to fight. I’m just trying to keep you safe. If having homemade cookies means so much to you, we’ll figure it out. After you rest.”
Tears filled her eyes. Lance squeezed his eyes shut and started to count to ten. The last thing he needed was for her to start crying on him. Why did she have to be so emotional about everything?
When he got to nine, Erin took his arm. “I just want to have the perfect Christmas.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You don’t need to have all this stuff for that. Besides, you guys had this place last year. Didn’t you get to do everything then?”
“I had the flu. We got the decorating mostly done, but I got sick before I got to enjoy any of it,” she said, a sad look crossing her face. “I didn’t even get to watch the boys open the hats Shane had bought them. Plus, we got a lot of decorations on clearance after Christmas last year, so this is the first we’ll get to use them.”
The tone of her voice and the way her forehead was wrinkling made him realize that some of the emotion he was witnessing was sheer exhaustion on her part. Not only was she injured and on painkillers, she was obviously under a lot of strain—trying to plan the perfect Christmas, taking care of her nephews on her own and now having to deal with him. He might, as she’d often accused him, be low on the emotional intelligence scale, but he could at least tell that what Erin really needed at this point was a nap.
“We’ll make it work,” he said softly, putting his arm around her and leading her toward the couch. She didn’t fight him, just looked up at him sadly.
“If you say so,” she said.
Lance got her situated on the couch and the boys came running in the room. “Uncle Lance! Can you play with us?”
“I’m still getting your aunt settled in right now. Why don’t you help me by getting her a glass of water so she can take her medicine?”
Erin looked up at him. “I don’t want any more painkillers. Leah’s first husband died because of a drug overdose that started with a painkiller addiction.”
He’d known that, but he hadn’t realized just how much it had affected Erin. He’d heard the nurse warn her that the first couple of days out of the hospital she needed to be diligent about taking her medication because they’d had her on such strong medicine in the hospital initially.
“We’ll wean you off gradually, just like the nurse said,” Lance told her, sitting next to her on the couch. “You’re not going to become addicted, but if you don’t stay on top of the pain, the nurse said it will get really bad and you’ll end up back in the hospital. Is that what you want?”
Erin shook her head. “I know I sound like a bratty child here, but I don’t think you understand just how hard this is for me.”
He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “I think, of all people, I understand the most. I know you hate feeling powerless and it’s not like you to sit around and do nothing. But you have to take care of yourself or you’re useless for taking care of anyone else. You know that. I promise I’ll help you get ready for Christmas.”
“You said when we got divorced that you were never celebrating Christmas again.”
Not only had he said that but he’d kept his word. He’d never liked how commercial the holiday had become, and hated it even more now that he and Erin were divorced. Every stupid decoration reminded him of the woman who’d loved—and left—him.
But helping Erin didn’t mean celebrating. As far as he was concerned, these could just be chores, like cleaning the toilet. He chuckled at the thought. Erin would be so offended if she heard him comparing the two, but at least the thought made the activity palatable.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
The boys came back in the room, so he didn’t have to explain. Besides, when he saw what Ryan was holding, Lance didn’t feel much like laughing anymore. He’d know that bear anywhere.
“Where did he get that?” Lance looked over at Erin.
“It was Lily’s. You and I aren’t the only ones who miss her. He doesn’t really remember her, but when he was little, he used to cry for his Lily, so I started letting him sleep with her favorite teddy bear. And now it’s his.”
Ryan squeezed his teddy to his chest. “Her name is Lily. She’s my Lily bear.”
That’s what Erin used to call Lily. Her little Lily bear. Lance had thought it a silly name and now hearing it made his heart ache.
“You gave him Lily’s bear?” Lance stared at Erin.
“I did what I thought was best. She’s not here to enjoy it, and it makes him happy, so what’s wrong with that?”
Lance didn’t answer. What was he supposed to say? He couldn’t exactly take what was obviously a beloved toy away from Ryan and yet it didn’t seem fair.
“I sleep with her every night,” Ryan said. “Except for last night, and I really missed her.” Ryan squeezed the bear to his chest. “I promise I won’t ever leave you again.”
“Bears are for babies,” Dylan said, handing Erin a glass of water. “Here’s your drink, like you asked.”
“I’m not a baby. Lily bear is my special friend.”
Erin patted the seat next to her. “Of course she is. And we don’t think you’re a baby.” Erin looked over at Dylan. “Apologize to your brother.”
“Sorry,” Dylan said.
Ryan grabbed a blanket from a nearby chair then climbed up onto the couch and snuggled next to Erin. She put her arm around the little boy in such a maternal way that it made Lance’s heart hurt. How many times had he seen her do that with Lily? She’d been that way with both boys, as well, and the thing he’d always appreciated about her was how loving she’d been to all the children.
Lance hadn’t had that kind of love growing up. His parents, not the touchy-feely type, were more interested in showing off the trophies of their children’s accomplishments. Just like with Christmas. It wasn’t about celebrating the reason for the season, but about impressing their neighbors and clients. He’d always promised himself that if he had children, they’d be part of a loving family. He thought they’d given that to Lily; one of the small comforts he’d had with her short life. As much as he hadn’t wanted the divorce, sometimes he wondered if Erin had been right in pursuing it, given that he didn’t think they were capable of loving each other that way anymore.
Erin whispered something in Ryan’s ear then Ryan looked over at Dylan. “I accept your apology,” he said.
Sometimes it was easy to forget the things Lance had against Erin, especially when he was reminded of the kind and loving woman she was. He just didn’t know how that translated to being at peace with her. His counselor had told him that he needed to forgive Erin for what happened to Lily. But as much as Lance wanted to believe that Erin had learned from her mistakes, it was clear she still didn’t always think her decisions through.
If she were responsible, and thought about things logically, she wouldn’t be arguing with him over taking care of herself. She’d be more focused on getting well and taking care of the children than on some crazy idea of what she thought Christmas was supposed to be like.
Erin looked up at him. “If you can get me my pain pills, I should go ahead and take one now, before the pain gets worse. If you don’t mind, I’d also like you to put on a movie for Ryan and me to watch. Neither of us slept well last night, so we’re just going to veg out in front of the TV.”
Ryan cradled the bear in his arms as he tucked the blanket around him and Erin. It was a cozy picture. As much as Lance wanted to nurse the feelings of hurt, his heart melted a little when Ryan bent and kissed the top of his bear’s head.
Lily was dead. What did it matter that her bear was providing comfort to another child?
Once Erin was settled with her movie, Lance got out his laptop. Even though he was technically on a leave of absence, he still liked to keep up on as much as he could. But he found, as the cartoon character of Ebenezer Scrooge came on the screen, he was more focused on the movie than on his work. Erin would probably have something to say about that, but when he turned to look at her, she’d already fallen asleep. Cuddled with the little boy, she was the picture of everything he wished his life could have been had it not been cruelly taken from him.
Maybe what people didn’t understand about Lance, or about these famous characters of Christmas, was that their perceived badness didn’t happen in a vacuum. There were reasons for the pain, and it wasn’t so simple to just get over it, as everyone seemed to want them to do. Maybe it happened in the movies, but the people in the movies didn’t wake up every morning to an emptiness that nothing could ever fill.
His counselor wanted him to make peace with Erin. He still didn’t know what that meant, but he’d like to think that when he talked to her next, and he told her about taking care of Erin, she’d see this as doing just that. Surely taking care of the person who’d done the most to hurt you was a sign that you’d made peace with your past.
When Erin woke, there was a fire in the fireplace, the television was off and the boys were gone. This was why she hadn’t wanted to take the pain medicine. It made her too sleepy and she couldn’t pay attention or keep track of the boys.
Lance used to ask her how he would know that she had learned from her mistake and would never fall asleep while watching a child again. She hadn’t had an answer at the time, but living with Leah and her boys, she was always on edge if she was supposed to be watching them. True, Lance was there, but sometimes she felt that he looked at her like he was just waiting for her to mess up again. Leah often told her that even Mary lost track of a young Jesus when he went off to go preach in the synagogue. Surely if the mother of the son of God didn’t always do it right then Erin could give herself a break, as well.
Just try telling that to Lance. She shifted her weight, trying to see the best way to scoot herself off the couch and move around. She could hear laughter coming from the kitchen. It seemed selfish to spoil their fun by calling out for them. But no sooner had she flipped the lever to put the foot of the recliner down than Lance stepped into the living room, wearing the reindeer apron the boys had purchased for her last Christmas.
“Let me help you,” he said.
“What are you guys doing in there?”
He shrugged. “Making cookies. The boys showed me a Christmas binder, and while I know you want to be part of the cookie-making process, there are a lot of cookies to be baked, so we went ahead and started. What do you need to make so many Christmas cookies for, anyway?”
Lance had started making the cookies? “You don’t know how to make anything that doesn’t come out of a box.”
“They say necessity is the mother of invention. It’s too expensive to eat out all the time, and I don’t like eating frozen dinners day in and day out. So I watched a few videos on the internet and, while I’ll never be a chef, I won’t starve.”
“You were good at grilling,” she said. Then she added, “Our church has refreshments every Sunday after the service. But they also like to do something a little special for the holidays. Baking cookies relaxes me, so I volunteered to do extra this year. I’m just glad my day to bring them wasn’t today. At least we’ll have them for next week.”
She tried not to sound discouraged as she spoke. Before her nap, she’d sounded so whiny that she’d gotten on her own nerves. Even now she was trying not to let the situation get the best of her. It had been a silly accident and she needed to find a way to look on the bright side.
