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CHAPTER FOUR
CALLUM STARED AT the clock and pulled out his cellphone again. How is Drew? he typed.
Drew had been clingy last night. Definitely not normal for him. He hadn’t wanted to go to bed and had just said he didn’t feel good.
After a day stuck in the freezing-cold Clyde, all Callum had wanted to do was hold him close. So he’d broken all his own rules and let Drew come into bed beside him.
There hadn’t seemed to be anything obvious wrong with Drew. His temperature hadn’t been raised. He hadn’t had a rash. But he’d had a restless night and when he’d stirred his porridge around his plate that morning Callum had looked at the pale little face and had known he couldn’t send him to school today.
Thank goodness for good friends. Julie and Blair were always willing to help out any way they could.
His phone buzzed.
Not eating and a little tired. But managing to watch the TV. Don’t worry. Julie.
Don’t worry. Fat chance.
The door next to him opened. Jess. He stood up straight away and walked over to her. ‘How are you? Are you okay?’ She looked a little better today. There was some colour in her cheeks, her caramel-coloured hair hung in waves around her shoulders and her pink woollen jumper gave the illusion of some curves.
There it was again. The little surge he’d felt yesterday when he’d seen her. That buzz of attraction. He hadn’t imagined it. He hadn’t imagined it at all.
She gestured down the corridor. ‘I’m fine. Honestly. No ill effects.’ She gave him a little smile. She was definitely a little more relaxed today but, then, Parkhill was her comfort zone.
‘How are the kids?’
Her expression was still serious. ‘We’ve still got two in ITU, both serious but stable. Four were allowed home yesterday, another four were kept for observation overnight but are being discharged today. The last two will be in for a few days, both have different kinds of fractures.’
He gave her a knowing smile. ‘Busy day, then?’
She let out a little laugh. ‘What? No way. We’ve only had another thirty admissions on top of the accident yesterday. It’s practically been a walk in the park.’
‘Thirty? Is there some kind of outbreak?’
She nodded. ‘Yip.’ She handed over a set of case notes to the secretary next to them. She folded her arms across her chest. ‘It’s called a Scottish winter.’
‘What do you mean?’
She gave a little shrug. ‘It’s like this every year. Asthma and chest infections flare up and there’s always an outbreak of norovirus somewhere. Public health had to recommend closing two nurseries yesterday.’ She waved her hand. ‘We’ve got a baby with chickenpox in ITU. Oh, and the usual slips, trips and falls. We’re thinking of putting a sign on the door of ward 1C saying Only people in fibreglass may pass these doors.’
He couldn’t help the smile dancing across his face. ‘It’s that bad?’
She gave a little sigh. ‘It’s just how things are. That, and all the parents that come to the desk and give it laldy.’
He smiled. ‘Now, there’s a word I haven’t heard in a while.’
She rolled her eyes. ‘It’s the most accurate description. I said it the other day to one of the Spanish registrars and he was totally lost. Thing is, it’s never the parents with the sickest kids who cause a scene, it’s the ones who probably shouldn’t even be in an A and E department and don’t think they should be waiting.’
‘We get our fair share in the fire service too. Last month it was a guy who called 999 every time his house fire alarm went off.’
‘Did he have a fire?’
Callum shook his head. ‘Nope. He just kept burning his toast and thought we should come out.’
‘Thank goodness. I thought it was just us that got the crazies.’
He looked over at her. Although her outward appearance had improved since yesterday, he could still sense the tiredness in her body.
‘Are you sure you want to do this today? We can do it some other time if it doesn’t suit you.’
She shook her head. ‘You’re going to need the statement at some point and it’s probably best I do it while it’s all still fresh in my mind.’
‘Have you got time for a coffee?’
She glanced at her watch. ‘Actually, I’ve got a couple of hours.’ She looked around her. ‘Can we get out of here for a little while? I need to cover for someone tonight so I’ll be here until tomorrow.’
He bit his tongue. From the look of her she’d already covered last night too. Did she really need to do it again? the thought of getting her out of this place was very appealing. Maybe some fresh air and a change of scene would lessen the tiredness in her eyes. There was no way he’d say no to her.
‘Sure. As long as you don’t mind travelling in a fire and rescue vehicle.’
Her eyes widened. ‘You’ve got a fire engine sitting outside?’ He could hear the edge of excitement in her voice. It was almost everyone’s childhood dream to ride in a fire engine.
He laughed. ‘No, I’ve got the four-by-four. But I’m on call and can be paged at any time, so I need to be ready to go.’
‘Oh.’ She looked a little disappointed. ‘Does that mean you can’t go anywhere?’
He shook his head, his heart clenching a little as he realised she’d looked a little sad at the prospect. ‘Of course I can. But let’s not go too far. That way, if I get paged I can drop you back here quickly. Is there somewhere local you’d prefer?’
She nodded. ‘There’s an Italian coffee shop that does great food and some killer carrot cake about five minutes’ drive from here. Just let me grab my bag and coat.’
He stood for a few seconds until she reappeared at his side, wearing a thick purple wool coat and pink scarf. He smiled. ‘I take it you came prepared today.’
‘After yesterday? I’ve honestly never been so cold. The first thing I did last night was put on the fire, find the biggest, snuggliest pair of pyjamas I could and pull my duvet in front of the fire.’
The picture was conjured up in his head instantly. Snuggly pyjamas might not be the sexiest nightwear he would normally think of for a woman, but it still brought a smile to his face.
They walked outside into the cold air and she automatically moved a little closer to him, letting his body shield her from the biting wind. It was all he could do to stop his arm reaching out to wrap around her waist.
He felt on edge. He hadn’t seen her in years. She had a whole other life he knew nothing about. Little things started to edge into the corners of his mind. Who did Jessica have to snuggle up to after a stressful day at work? Had she spent the night alone in front of the fire?
Curiosity was killing him. Particularly after the comment Miriam had made the previous day about Jessica reverting to her maiden name.
He had a burning sensation to find out why. It suddenly seemed really important—even though it shouldn’t. Did Jessica feel the nervous edge that he did?
But Jess seemed relaxed around him. She shot him another smile as she climbed into the car. ‘You would have been horrified. I even resorted to bedsocks last night!’
‘Were they pink?’ He started the car and pulled out of the car park.
‘How did you guess?’
‘Because some things don’t change.’ Pink had always been her favourite colour. The words had come out before he’d had time to think about them. Because nothing could be further from the truth. Things had changed, for both of them—probably more than they could ever have imagined.
Thirteen years was a long time.
There was silence for a few seconds, as if she was thinking the same kind of thoughts that he was.
She gestured to the side. ‘This way.’ She waited until he changed lanes. ‘I guess I always did like pink,’ she said quietly. She touched the collar of her coat. ‘I’ve even got a pink coat, I just didn’t wear it today.’
Another little memory sparked into his brain. Jessica’s wardrobe. She’d had the biggest array of clothes he’d ever seen. He shot her a smile. ‘Knowing you, you’ve probably got a coat for every colour of the rainbow.’
She tilted her head to the side as if she was racking her brain. ‘Emerald green.’
He raised his eyebrows.
‘That’s the colour I’m missing. I need to get an emerald-green raincoat and the rainbow will be complete.’ She pointed in front of them. ‘It’s just over here. Pull in to the left.’
He halted just in front of the Italian-style coffee shop, walking around and opening the door for her.
The heat hit them as soon as they walked inside, along with a whole host of mouth-watering smells.
He pulled out a chair and helped her off with her coat, before sitting across from her and bringing out his array of paperwork. But his brain wasn’t focusing on the paperwork.
Taking Jessica out of her own environment felt a little odd. It felt personal but this was business. A professional meeting. Nothing more, nothing less. No matter how casual it seemed.
No matter how easy it seemed.
Why did he have to keep reminding himself about that?
He pointed to the menu. ‘What do you recommend?’
‘Anything and everything. There won’t be a single thing in here that you don’t like.’
The waitress appeared at their side.
‘Just a latte for me, please.’
‘No.’
He couldn’t help it. Her thin frame was too much for him. He was resisting the temptation to just order her some mushrooms, a portion of lasagne and some garlic bread. Things they used to eat together a long time ago and he knew that she liked.
He couldn’t help but wonder who was looking out for Jess right now. Surely her friends had spoken to her quietly and told her she’d lost too much weight? It didn’t matter that he hadn’t seen her in years, he couldn’t stand by and say nothing.
The waitress looked a little taken aback. Callum’s eyes ran down the menu. ‘You need more than just coffee. Order something else.’
He could see her take a deep breath, getting ready to argue with him. But he shook his head, the smallest of movements, then reached over and touched her hand. ‘Don’t.’
He kept his gaze steady. They’d been friends for such a long time. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t seen her in years. It didn’t matter that fate had thrown them together. He had no idea what had happened in the last few years for Jess—and she might never tell him. But he could focus on what was in front of him.
The one thing he could do something about.
And she knew him. She knew him well.
She would know that he would never cause a scene, but she would also know that when he was determined, there was no way around him.
Her brown eyes were fixed on where his hand was touching hers. Was she annoyed? Did she think it inappropriate? Because he’d only done what had felt natural—and it didn’t feel inappropriate to him.
He could see the long exhalation of breath, the relaxing of her shoulders, then she lifted her long dark eyelashes to meet his gaze.
The long dark eyelashes that used to tickle his cheeks.
The thought came out of nowhere, triggering a whole host of memories in his brain. Now, they could be inappropriate.
Jess’s fingers moved under his. She looked at the waitress. ‘What’s the soup?’
‘Minestrone or tomato and herb, both served with crusty bread.’
Jess pressed her lips together. ‘I’ll have the minestrone. Please.’ She handed the menu over.
‘I’ll have the same—the soup and a latte.’ Something fired in his brain and he remembered what she’d said in the car. ‘And carrot cake—for both of us, please.’ It wasn’t what he would normally eat at this time. The paperwork was still in front of him. But right now it was the least of his concerns.
Would she tell him what had happened to her in the last few years? And, in return, would he be able to tell her about Drew?
He took the bull by the horns. ‘You’re thin, Jess. A lot thinner than you used to be. I’d rather have bought you a three-course meal than a plate of soup.’
‘Who said I was letting you buy it?’
He smiled. There it was. The spark that had seemed missing at times. The spark that took him back thirteen years.
Every now and then it flared, reappearing out of nowhere. Then the thin veil would come back down and the Jessica that he had once known would disappear.
He leaned back in the chair. Sparring with Jess now felt as natural as it had years ago. ‘Oh, you’re letting me. I can assure you of that.’
‘Still a stubborn bossy boots, then, Callum?’
‘I had a very good teacher,’ was his automatic response. But it only took a second to know what he really should do. He stretched across the table and took both her hands in his. ‘Actually, I’m still a concerned friend.’
He could sense her pull back a little. See her wariness at his actions.
‘We haven’t seen each other in years, Callum. We lost touch. You’ve no idea what’s happened in my life and I’ve no idea what’s happened in yours. If that accident hadn’t happened yesterday, our paths might never have crossed again.’
‘And that would have been a real shame.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m not glad the accident happened. I’m not glad those kids were injured. But I am glad our paths have crossed again. It’s nice to see you.’ His voice was low and the words said quietly. He hoped she could see the sincerity in his eyes.
She paused for a moment then said, ‘It’s nice to see you again too.’ She gave him a little smile. ‘You always were a pest when it came to food.’ She had a glint in her eye, and he could see her visibly relaxing, sinking a little further into her chair and leaning her elbows on the desk so they were closer.
His reaction was entirely natural—he leaned forward too. ‘Jessica Rae, I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.’
She raised her eyebrows, her smile spreading across her face. She placed her head on her hands. ‘What about the cookie incident, then?’
He stifled a laugh.
The memories came flooding back. A visit to the cinema with Jess asking him to hold her coffee and cookie that he’d bought her while she went and washed her hands. They’d been running late and the film had already started by the time they’d fumbled to their seats. It had taken Jess a few minutes to lift the napkin from her purchase and the scream she’d let out had caused the whole cinema to jump in shock.
‘It was only a tiny nibble.’ He shrugged his shoulders.
‘It was a giant-size bite! And then you let me think that it was the boy behind the counter—you were going to let me go and complain.’
He couldn’t stop laughing now, with the still indignant look on her face thirteen years later. ‘Just as well the crumbs gave me away, then.’
Jess started to laugh too. Her shoulders shook as she bent forward and then threw her head back. Jess didn’t have a delicate, polite laugh. It was loud and wholehearted, as if it came all the way from her toes.
There was something so nice about this. The way her skin glowed and her eyes sparkled when she laughed like that. The ease and familiarity of being with someone you felt comfortable around. Someone you shared a history with. Someone who made you feel as if you could look into their eyes and trust what they said.
Someone who wouldn’t run out on you and your child.
Where had that thought come from?
The door to the café opened and a woman and her child bundled in out of the cold. The little boy’s nose was glowing red underneath his woolly hat. He looked around the same age as Drew.
Callum pushed all thoughts of Drew’s mother out of his head and leaned forward to pass a comment to Jess. But the expression on her face stopped him dead.
She’d gone from hearty laughter to deathly pale—almost as if she’d been caught unawares. He bit his tongue, stopping himself from asking what was wrong.
He had to give her time. He had to give her space. If Jess wanted to tell him something she would.
There was silence for a few seconds as he could see her gathering herself.
She nodded at his paperwork. ‘This could take some time. Shouldn’t we get started?’
The barriers were going up again. She was closing herself off from him. Going back to business as usual. ‘What do you need from me?’
The waitress appeared and put down two bowls of steaming-hot minestrone and a basket of crusty bread. ‘I need you to relax for a bit. I want to see you eat. Once you’ve finished we’ll do my paperwork. I need a detailed statement from you.’
He didn’t want the veil to come down. Because when it did Jess had the strangest look in her eyes, almost vacant, as if she was removing herself from the situation. It was obvious that she wasn’t feeling any of the same strange sensations that he was. His brain was currently mush.
Being around Jess was flaring up too many memories in his mind. Sharing memories with Jess was both warming and setting off alarm bells in his head. He’d been awake most of the night, thinking about all the good times that they’d had together.
He hadn’t even told her about Drew yet. And did he want to? He had no idea what he wanted to do about any of this. Could he be friends with Jessica or was it just a recipe for disaster? He’d just have to wait and see.
CHAPTER FIVE
IT WAS THE middle of the night. The snow had given way to sleet and was currently battering the windows in the old Glasgow hospital.
Whilst the ward was dark, most of the windows were adorned with festive lights. A Santa, a snowman and a reindeer stood out twinkling against the black night sky outside. A tree with multicoloured lights flickered at the end of the ward, and strings of icicles were hanging from most of the windows outside the ward bays.
A few little bodies shifted under the starched white hospital sheets and coloured blankets. Almost everyone was sleeping—unusual for a children’s ward—with only a few little murmurs here and there. Alongside most of the beds were chairs and stools with an array of uncomfortable parents trying to catch a few hours’ sleep as they watched over their children.
Jessica padded along the ward in her soft-soled shoes. She loved Christmas in the children’s ward. Although most people in her circumstances would want to avoid this place, it was actually the one place at this time of year that gave her a little solace.
There were always people worse off than you.
Actually, no there weren’t. No parent should outlive their child.
Here, in the ward, she felt safe. Everyone knew what had happened. No one asked awkward questions. If she needed a few moments on her own, she got them.
If she needed to be amongst people and in company, it was here.
If she needed to feel of value, there was no doubt she was needed here. There was always a little one to cuddle. There was always a parent to talk to in the quiet hours of night—to give some kind of explanation, to give some kind of comfort.
Mostly, she just liked to watch the kids sleeping.
There was nothing more comforting than watching a child sleep.
Tonight she was watching Grace Flynn, a seven-year-old with a rare form of aggressive bowel cancer. She’d had her tumours operated on twice.
Grace was a beautiful child. She wanted to be a ballerina, or an air hostess, or a teacher. She changed her mind every day. But she was becoming frailer and frailer with every visit. The chemotherapy and radiotherapy were having ravaging effects on her body. The surgeries were taking their toll. The battle was becoming harder and harder.
So tonight she was taking a little pleasure in watching Grace sleep. Watching the rise and fall of her little chest.
Moments like this always pained her. What was worse? Your child dying suddenly, with no chance to say goodbye, or dying slowly, painfully right before your eyes?
Her brain couldn’t even begin to compare those issues. All she knew was that she would do everything in her power to help Grace and her parents.
Hopefully Grace would be able to be discharged home with her family tomorrow and get to spend Christmas at home.
She would love that. She might be the model patient but she always had a smile on her face when she was discharged home.
Jessica walked down the corridor, watching the twinkling lights on the windows and appreciating the stillness of the ward.
It wasn’t always quiet in here. Some nights it went like a fair. Some nights she didn’t even see the inside of her on-call room. Then there were other nights like tonight.
She sat down at the nurses’ station and tapped a few keys on the computer, bringing up the file of one of the kids admitted earlier. She would never have been able to sleep anyway.
Images of Callum were currently swimming around in her brain.
It was the oddest of feelings.
Because she didn’t know how she felt.
For the last few years she’d been sad. She’d worked hard to put one foot in front of the other and try and come out the other side. And now she finally felt as if she’d reached a plateau.
She didn’t cry non-stop any more. She didn’t spend every day wishing she didn’t need to get out of bed. She wasn’t insanely jealous of every woman pushing a stroller in the street.
Oh, she still had moments when things crept up on her and caught her unawares. When she needed a few minutes to gather herself or to wipe the stray tear that appeared on her face.
But things had eased. It was still the first thing she thought about every morning and the last thing she thought about at night. But it didn’t fill her every waking moment of the day any more. She’d allowed herself to think about other things. To care a little about other things.
And work was her biggest comfort. It helped her tick along. It gave her a sense of purpose. A little confidence that she did have a life worth living.
Then something like this happened.
A blast from the past, totally unexpected. Totally unprepared for.
Callum was evoking a whole host of memories. Most of which were good. Some of which were distinctly edged with tinges of pink—the way all teenage first-love memories were.
It was a little unsettling. Not just seeing Callum but the whole host of what-ifs that had her flooded her mind afterwards—some of which had permeated her dreams.
What if she’d married Callum? What would her life have been like? Would they still have been together after all this time?
She tried to push the thoughts away. It felt disloyal. Disloyal to the memory of her husband, Daniel, and her little boy, Lewis.
Daniel had been the love of her life. She’d been blissfully happy. she’d thought they’d grow old together. She’d expected them to grow old together.
But as much as she’d loved Daniel, the loss of Lewis was even worse. As if someone had ripped her heart right out of her chest and squeezed it until every last drop of blood was gone.
The pain had almost killed her.
Maybe that was why her brain was drifting into unchartered territories. If she’d stayed with Callum, Daniel and Lewis would never have featured in her life.
She would never have suffered such torment and hurt at their loss. She wouldn’t have found herself wondering if she wanted to go on. To live a life without them.
Maybe Callum was a safe memory.
She opened her eyes, looking around to see if anyone had noticed her hunched over the keyboard. Two of the nurses were standing at the door of one of the rooms but they hadn’t noticed a thing.
Her pager sounded and she was on her feet instantly. ITU. She had three kids in there right now. The baby with chickenpox and Marcus and Lily from the accident. She started saying silent prayers in her head as she walked swiftly down the corridor. She looked around. It was the dead of night and there was no one else about so she took off. her soft running footsteps echoed up and down the passages of the long building until she reached the doors and squirted her hands with gel before entering.
The doors swung open. The steady whoosh-whoosh of the ventilators was the first thing that she heard whenever she stepped inside. In most instances it was a soothing sound, often not reflecting the serious condition of the patients inside. She took a quick look around the unit. It was brighter than the rest of the hospital, even though some of lights were dimmed.
She recognised a figure next to Lily’s bed and walked over quickly. Pauline, the sister in ITU, was great. She’d been there for ten years, had a whole wealth of experience and, more importantly, good instincts. Jessica trusted her judgement, and she also valued her friendship. She’d been a pillar of strength for Jess in the last few years.
‘What’s up, Pauline?’
Pauline shook her head. ‘She’s gone from bradycardic and hypothermic to the opposite. Tachycardic and high temp. Isn’t it amazing how kids go from one extreme to the other?’
Jessica cast her eyes over the monitor. Thirty-six hours ago Lily had had a heart rate of fifty and now it was one hundred and sixty. ‘Darn it. The ECMO should be keeping her heart rate and temperature steady. She must have an infection somewhere. How’s her suctioning been?’
Pauline’s lips pressed together. She hated it as much as Jess did when kids got sicker. ‘She’s been suctioned every four hours and there’s been no increase in her secretions.’
Jessica rolled her shoulders back, trying to relieve the tension in her neck and shoulders. Everyone knew that ECMO could have complications—bleeding, infections, neurological damage and kidney damage.
Jessica unwound the pink stethoscope from her neck. ‘I’ll have a little listen to her chest. It was clear earlier and her chest X-ray was fine, but you know how things can change.’
She placed her stethoscope on Lily’s little chest and listened for a few seconds then frowned. ‘I can hear crackles in her lungs. Can I have her chart? I’ll get her started on IV antibiotics right away.’ She scribbled on the chart handed to her. ‘Are you okay to make these up or do you want me to do it?’
Most of the nurses in ITU had extended roles. The IV antibiotics could be sent up from the hospital pharmacy but that would take time. Time that Lily essentially didn’t have. Pauline nodded her head. ‘It’s fine. I’ll do it. It will only take a few minutes.’
Jessica continued to make a few notes. ‘I’m asking for another chest X-ray. I want to see if there’s any change from this morning. And I’ll be about for the next few hours. Let me know if you have any concerns.’
‘Not planning on having any sleep tonight, Jess? You know that’s not good for you.’ There was concern in Pauline’s voice. And it was sincere—she always tried to look out for Jess.
Jess just gave her a little smile and kept writing. Sometimes she just liked to keep her head down.
‘I meant to ask you, how do you know Callum?’
The question took her by surprise. she felt on guard, even with a woman she’d always trusted. But Pauline’s face was open and friendly. ‘Callum Kennedy?’ she asked.
‘Yeah, the fireman—the rope rescue guy. He was on the phone earlier, enquiring after the kids. He knows we can’t give him any specific details. He just wanted to check everything was okay. Apparently he was in yesterday too. The staff say he’s gorgeous.’
Callum was in here yesterday? Why hadn’t she known that? ‘What did he say?’
Pauline’s eyebrows rose. ‘He said you went way back—that you were old friends.’
She was obviously piquing Pauline’s interest, and it made her wish she hadn’t asked. Jessica felt the colour flare into her cheeks. What on earth was wrong with her? Callum was a good-looking guy and in a gossip hive like a hospital it was obvious people would comment.
Pauline was still talking as she adjusted the controls on Lily’s monitors. ‘Even David knows him. Says he’s played five-a-side football against him. Apparently he’s single.’ She gave a little laugh. ‘He also says the firefighter football team are a bunch of break-your-leg animals. He says he always volunteers to be goalie when they play against them.’
David. The solitary male staff nurse in ITU who was usually the butt of everyone’s jokes. Just as well he was fit for it. He always gave as good as he got. And it was good to have a male in a predominantly female environment. Some babies responded better to a male voice—even seemed to be soothed by it.
And he always told any little boy who woke up scared and ventilated in ITU that the same thing had happened to him as a kid.
Some people were just destined to work with children.
Then again, David had just given her a vital piece of information. Callum was single. It seemed ridiculous. He was a gorgeous man, with a good job, and was fun to be around. Women would be beating a path to his door. Why on earth was he single? And, more importantly, why would she care?
‘Jess? What’s wrong?’
‘Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.’ She could hardly look Pauline in the eye. Pauline was too perceptive by half. Her cheeks were practically bursting. She felt like some crazy teenager again.
‘Jess, honey, no one would ever dare say these words to you. But I will because I care about you. Things are looking easier for you, Jess. Your mood has lifted, you don’t have quite as many dark circles under your eyes. And once you start eating again…’
‘What do you mean, Pauline?’
Pauline bit her lip. ‘I mean that if you and Callum have history, good history, that might be a good thing.’ She hesitated then continued, ‘It might be something to embrace instead of run away from.’
‘You think I run away from things?’
Pauline reached over and touched her arm. ‘I think that you’re ready. I think it might be time to start living your life again. I think it might be time to lift your head above the parapet and see what’s out there. Whether that’s Callum or someone else.’ She gave Jess’s arm a little squeeze. ‘The next step will be hard, Jess. It might be easier if you took it with someone you used to know.’
