Kitabı oku: «The Doctor's Reason to Stay»

CHAPTER ONE

WHOEVER said you couldn’t go home again was right, in part. He was home in the physical sense now, sitting in an old wicker chair, sipping a tall glass of lemonade, with his feet propped up on the white rail separating the porch from the masses of purple and pink flowering hydrangeas traversing the front and both sides of Gracie House. Emotionally, though, Dr. Rafe Corbett was distanced from this place. Distanced by miles and year upon year of memories and pain yet so acute that more than a decade of separation felt like mere seconds. Distanced was the way he wanted to stay, however. But it was hard to do that right now, when half the population of Lilly Lake, New York, expected something of the family prodigal finally returned home.

“I see you,” he said to the child sneaking up behind him. Molly Corbett, not any blood relation to him but his aunt’s ward, was truly alone in the world now, and his heart did go out to her.

“Do not,” she said, a little too shy for the usually outgoing girl.

“Do too,” he replied. “You’re wearing a red dress.” Rafe flinched, thinking about Molly, then thinking about his aunt. Grace Corbett been the best person in his life, and the fact that she was gone now really hadn’t sunk in. Logically, he knew she’d had a heart attack. Emotionally, he wasn’t ready to deal with it. Wasn’t ready to cry, or grieve, or even miss her yet, because some part of him expected her to walk through her door, tell him it was all a big mistake, maybe even a scheme to get him home to Lilly Lake. God knew, she’d tried everything she could think of these past thirteen years, to no avail.

“It’s yellow, silly,” she said.

“That’s what I said. You’re wearing a yellow dress.” But, then, there was Molly, to remind him. Big, sad eyes. Clingy. His heart ached for her. She was five, and he didn’t know what she understood, or didn’t understand. And he, sure as hell, wasn’t the one who should be trying to relate to her.

“It’s not a dress,” she countered, not giving over to the giggles like she normally had when Aunt Grace had brought her along on her visits.

Sighing, Rafe thought about his aunt, a larger-than-life lady who’d squeezed every last drop out of every last day the good Lord had given her. Horsewoman, humanitarian, entrepreneur, philanthropist…and what he was going to miss the most, something very simple—her chocolate-chip cookies. Once a month, come rain, shine, or any other adversity in the universe, she’d met him somewhere on neutral ground, somewhere other than Lilly Lake, and given him a tin of her cookies. Had every month for thirteen years. He’d always looked forward to it…to the cookies, but most of all to his visit with his aunt. And they’d never missed a month, until this month.

“I didn’t say it was a dress. It’s yellow pants.”

“No, it’s not,” Molly said, stepping up right behind him.

“Shoes.”

“No.”

“Socks.”

“No.”

He’d been trying to draw her out the whole time he’d been here, without any luck. Oh, she’d respond when she had to. But that was all. Flat, polite responses. No emotion. Only rote words. “Hat. Purse. Hair ribbons.”

“Shirt. It’s a yellow shirt.” Said with polite impatience. But who could blame her? She missed Aunt Grace, at least as much as he did. Maybe more, as Grace had been all the child had ever had, ever known.

Damn, he was going to miss his aunt. The ache of not having her around any more was starting to knot inside him, threatening to choke him, or double him over with grief. But Molly couldn’t see that. She needed to see strength right now. All he could muster for her. All he could fake for what he was about to do…to give her away. “And that’s exactly what I said. A yellow shirt. I saw you sneaking up behind me in your yellow shirt.” Over the years, Aunt Grace had taken in numerous children. She’d raised them, tutored them, fostered them, cared for them, or simply given them shelter when they’d needed it—all ages, all races and nationalities. None of it had mattered when a child had been in need of a home or even a bed for a few nights. “So, Miss Molly-in-the-yellow-shirt. Are you hungry?” He asked even though he was pretty sure she was not. She’d barely eaten a thing these past few days. As her short-term, stand-in guardian, he was concerned for her well-being. As a doctor, he was worried about her health. So much grief at such a young age wasn’t good. “Can I fix you something to eat, Molly? Maybe get you an apple, or a glass of milk? Anything you want.”

She stepped around to the front of the chair and stood directly in front of him, but at a distance. She always kept her distance. She shook her head, the way she’d done every time he’d asked since he’d been here.

“Are you tired? Do you need a nap?” She hadn’t been sleeping well either.

She shook her head again.

“Are you bored? Is there something you’d like to go play with? Maybe there’s a toy you’d like for me to buy you?”

This time Molly didn’t even bother shaking her head. She simply stood there, staring at him with some kind of expectation that made him uneasy because he couldn’t interpret it. Her big blue eyes were practically boring through him, telling him he should know something, or do something. But what?

That was the way it had been since he’d arrived for the funeral, four days ago, and nothing was changing except the way he felt. Molly was making him more nervous by the day. Making him feel the inadequacy he knew she was seeing. Maybe even making him feel guilty for the way he was going to have to upset her life more than it was already upset. It was something he truly hated doing, as Aunt Grace had dearly loved this child. But what he had to do was clear. He couldn’t keep her, couldn’t raise a child, couldn’t give her the things she needed, so he’d find her someone who would.

But Rafe’s heart did go out to Molly in ways he hadn’t expected. She’d only lived in Aunt Grace’s world, that was all she’d ever known, and now it was going to be taken away from her. She was young, though. As cute as any kid he’d ever seen. And smart. So surely some nice family looking to adopt and adore a child would be anxious to give Molly the good home she needed, the one he wanted for her. He was sure of it. Although he was also sure that being ripped from her home, the way she was going to be, would break her young heart.

That, alone, had cost him a couple nights’ sleep, trying to figure out how to prevent it from happening. Problem was, there wasn’t a good solution to this bad situation. He couldn’t stay in Lilly Lake, and he couldn’t take Molly home to live with him in his world. Neither way would work—not for Molly, not for him.

“Do you have to go to the bathroom, Molly?” he persisted, not sure what he’d do if she said yes. But much to his relief, she shook her head again.

“Look, sweetheart. You’re going to have to tell me what you want. If you need me to do something for you, or get you something…anything…I will, but I have to know what it is.” He was losing patience. Not with Molly, but with himself for not being able to connect to her. He, of all people, knew what it was like to be alone, to feel that deep-down kind of isolation. But he didn’t know how to deal with it, or overcome it—not in Molly, not even in himself. On top of that, he was sure Molly wasn’t totally aware of what was really going on. Maybe she had some understanding of Aunt Grace’s death. Maybe she had a sense of what that meant or, perhaps, she’d guessed that it was a bad thing. But he didn’t believe she truly knew that her life was about to change in big ways, ways that made him feel pretty damned guilty.

Having the proverbial rug pulled out from underneath you was never good. His own rug had been pulled out so many times he couldn’t even remember most of them any more. Or tried not to remember them. Anyway, what he did recall was Aunt Grace always being there for him, being the one to save him and love him and protect him each and every time that rug had been yanked. The way she’d done with Molly when she’d been literally thrown away, abandoned at birth in a trash can in a bus station.

Except Molly didn’t remember that, of course. What she would remember, though, was the day Aunt Grace had gone away and never come back, and changed her life for ever.

It was a sadness he shared with Molly, something they had in common. A starting place for the two of them that neither one could quite reach. It was also a terrible pain he was only now beginning to feel, one that Molly shouldn’t have to deal with. But he didn’t know how to protect her from it. “Does your tummy hurt?” he asked, continuing to grapple for what was bothering her.

In answer, she sighed, which made him feel even worse for not knowing. This was when he would have asked his aunt what was wrong with the child, and she would have known instantly. Except he was on his own here. Everyone had finally gone home. Summer Adair, his aunt’s nurse, had returned to her old life, whatever that was. Mrs. Murdock, the housekeeper, was with her sister for a few days. His brother, Jess, had returned to his life in New York City after the funeral. Even Johnny Redmond, the man who looked after all Aunt Grace’s horses, and ran her equestrian rescue charity, was keeping to the stables. Meaning it was just Molly and him now, and one of them was at a total loss.

“How about we go for ice cream? Would you like that?”

“Can I see Edie, please?” Molly finally asked.

Edie…a name he didn’t recognize. “Is she one of your little playmates? Because you’re welcome to invite her over. Or I could take you to her house to play, if that’s OK with her parents.”

No response from Molly. She simply continued standing there, staring at him, causing the tension between them to rise to the point that it was giving him a dull headache. One little girl inducing more pressure than he’d ever felt when he was in surgery. Truth be told, it was grinding him down. Besides losing sleep, he’d lost his appetite. Of course, that could also be the effect of coming home to Lilly Lake, where bad memories infused the very air he breathed. But Rafe had an idea Molly played a big part in his queasy feelings as he truly didn’t relish the idea of what he had to do. So finally, in desperation, he said, “Look, Molly, why don’t you run up to your room and play for a little while so I can make a phone call? After that, we’ll figure out what to do with the rest of the day.” Other than simply hanging around, staring at each other, not having a grasp on how to remedy the situation. “OK?”

On impulse, he held out his hand to Molly, and she grabbed hold quickly. Clung tightly as the two of them made their way through the house, now emptied of all its guests, and parted company when she continued on upstairs and he didn’t. Rafe watched until Molly turned the corner, then he continued standing there until he heard the sound of her door shutting. “What am I going to do, Aunt Grace?” he asked her portrait hanging over the fireplace mantel in the parlor, on his way to the study to put out a distress call to the man most likely to know what to do. “It’s a hell of a mess you’ve gotten me into, so the least you could do would be to tell me how I’m supposed to get myself out of it and do what’s right for Molly at the same time.”

Rafe actually paused for a moment, like he expected an answer from his aunt. Then, when he realized how absurd that was, he continued on his way, thinking about how really alone he was in this. It was him, no one else. Jess had his responsibilities elsewhere, and his own private hell to wade through every waking minute of every day. Then after Jess, there was…no one. Absolutely no one. Sure, Rafe could have easily turned and walked away, and let Aunt Grace’s attorney handle the remaining affairs for him. One of those being Molly. But that wasn’t the kind of person he was. He was…dutiful. That was what Aunt Grace had always said about him. Jess was sunny, Rafe was dutiful.

Except these days Jess was sad and Rafe was…well, he wasn’t sure what he was. But he sure as hell was sure what he was not, which was daddy material!

The dutiful tag, though, was the thing causing the tension to quadruple in him right this very minute, as finding Molly a new family seemed almost cruel at this particular time. But she needed love, and that was something he knew nothing about. More than that, had no earthly desire to learn about. Love caused pain, and he’d had enough pain to last a lifetime. That attitude probably made him selfish, but so be it. He’d loved his aunt, he loved his brother. But no one else. It was a hard choice, but he was OK with it, for himself. Molly stood a chance at better things in this world, however, and she needed the kind of love he simply didn’t have in him.

So with the resolve firmly in place that he was going to find that perfect adoptive situation for her, Rafe stepped into the study to phone the man he hoped would do most of the solving for him and shut the door behind him, grateful for the thick wooden walls that had always felt so safe to him when he was a child. All those nights when his dad had been drunk, or bellowing for the sake of bellowing, this was where he’d found his sanctuary, in Aunt Grace’s study right across the street from his own private hell. In the red leather chair behind her desk, where she’d let him sit.

He ran his fingers over the back of the chair, picturing himself as a little boy, feeling so safe and important there. For a moment, when he sat down, he could almost see Aunt Grace standing across the desk from him, telling him to take a few deep breaths to help him calm down.

“Calm down,” he said to himself, taking those few deep breaths, noticing, for the first time, a small, custom-made desk in the corner of the room. An exact replica of Grace’s massive mahogany desk. Next to it, an exact replica of the leather chair. For Molly. The way it had been for Jess and him, and countless others.

“I don’t suppose there’s a simple way out of this, is there?” he asked Henry Danforth. Henry was Aunt Grace’s confidant, her lawyer.

“Do you actually believe your aunt would have made things simple for you, son? She left this world the way she lived in it day after day…and you know how that was.”

He did. In a word…complicated. “So tell me, what am I going to do about Molly?” Glancing at the big leather chair, then the smaller replica, he felt the first real knot of emotion constrict his throat. I’ll do my best, Aunt Grace. I promise, I’ll do my best. “And do you know where I can I can find her little playmate called Edie?”

* * *

“Shall I let him in?” Betty Richardson, Edie Parker’s secretary, asked from the door separating her office from Edie’s. “He’s not on the appointment list, but he said he’s here about Molly, so I figured you’d want to talk to him.”

Rafe stepped up behind Betty, expecting to find little Edie’s mother, ready to plead his case to her, but Edie, as it turned out, wasn’t so little. And she wasn’t anything close to the kind of friend Rafe expected Molly to have. In fact, his first impression was that Molly’s friend was a very curvaceous friend indeed. Stunningly so. “You’re sure that’s Edie Parker?” he asked Betty, simply to make sure.

“That’s Edie,” she confirmed, stepping out of Rafe’s way.

One without a wedding ring, he noted at first glance as he looked around the ample figure of the secretary. He also noted the long blonde hair, the blue eyes, the impeccable smile. Edie Parker, or Edith Louise Parker, as it stated on her name plaque, shoved her desk chair back and stood, staring straight at the man who hadn’t waited but had followed her secretary through the office door. Yet before she could speak, Molly shot around him and ran straight into Edie’s arms. “Edie,” she squealed. “I was afraid I’d never get to come see you again.”

Edie scooped her right in. “You know I’d have come out to Gracie House to see you,” she said, holding on to Molly for all she was worth. “I’ve missed you. We’ve all missed you.”

“I don’t like it there any more, Edie. It’s too…quiet.”

Edie glanced up briefly at Rafe. “Then we’re going to have to see about you coming back to work here, at the hospital, as soon as possible. We have a lot of things for you to do. Janie, in the gift shop, needs someone to straighten her shelves. And André, in the kitchen, needs some help getting his pantry rearranged. Oh, and Dr. Rick mentioned, just yesterday, that he needs someone to help him pick out what kind of fish he’s going to put into the new aquarium in the front lobby.”

“I like yellow-striped fish,” Molly said, almost shyly. “The ones with the blue stripes.”

“Then that’s something you and Dr. Rick should talk about.”

For a moment, watching the exchange between Edie and Molly, the only thing that came to Rafe’s mind was the phrase from an old song…something about the mother and child reunion being only a motion away…That was what it looked like he was witnessing right now, not just on Molly’s part but on Edie Parker’s as well. He was surprised how well they connected. Pleased, actually, as he hadn’t observed that kind of emotion in Molly since he’d been here, and he’d worried about it. But witnessing Molly with Edie, he was pretty sure there was nothing to worry about. For the first time, Molly appeared a perfectly normal little girl. “I, um…Molly wanted to see you,” he said to Edie, somewhat awkwardly. “Didn’t mean to interrupt anything, but I didn’t know what else to do for her. It’s been pretty difficult these past few days.”

Glancing up from her embrace, Edie answered him with a soft smile. “That’s fine. I’ve been worried about Molly, and she’s always welcome here. I’d thought about stopping by Gracie House, but I didn’t want to intrude on your family at a time like this, though, so I’ve stayed away.” She tried pushing back from Molly a bit, but the child clung ferociously. “But I am sorry for your loss, Dr. Corbett. We all loved your aunt. Dearly. She was a kind, caring woman. Full of compassion. She’s already missed.”

Yes, she’d been all that, and more. “I appreciate your sentiment, Miss Parker.”

“Please, call me Edie,” she said, her voice so collected and reassuring it reminded him, in a way, of his aunt’s voice.

He smiled. “I appreciate your sentiment, Edie. It’s been a difficult few days for everybody, and I’m not sure any of us have even begun to feel just how much she’s going to be missed.”

“If there’s anything I can do…”

He saw sincerity in her eyes. Saw genuine affection for Molly, too, and wondered…“Maybe there is. Molly hasn’t been eating well, or sleeping. I thought that spending some time with one of her playmates might help, but obviously you’re not a playmate. Maybe, though, you can point me in the direction of one of her playmates.”

“Actually, in a way, I am a playmate. I’m the hospital’s child life specialist, which does entitle me to play with the children, along with a few other more professional-type duties.” She laughed. “Although I’ll admit to a real fondness for the play aspects of the job.”

“Child life specialist. Isn’t that a position you’d be more inclined to find in a pediatric hospital, or a hospital with a large pediatric department?” A position about which he knew nothing at all as he kept himself locked away in the orthopedic surgery for half his practicing life, and in his office for the other half.

“Usually, but Dr. Navarro, our Chief of Staff, has plans to enlarge our pediatric ward here, and your aunt wanted me on staff before that started, to serve as an ad visor for the expansion.” Pushing back from Molly, she straightened up. “Oh, and in case it wasn’t clear, Molly has been my assistant for the past three months. She’s very important to the child life program we’re setting up.” She smiled, not at Rafe but at Molly…“An advisor.”

“I have!” Molly agreed eagerly.

Rafe noted the animation in her, pleased to see it. Something about Edie Parker was causing that in Molly. Of course, as pretty as Edie was, something about her would probably cause that kind of animation in any man, including himself, fortunate enough to be around her for very long.

“When Aunt Grace comes here to work, I get to help Edie sometimes. And sometimes I get to help other people here, too, because I have lots of jobs. So, when Aunt Grace comes back, I’ll come back and help again. Won’t I, Edie? Just like I used to before she went away?”

Rafe and Edie exchanged troubled looks, Rafe’s twisting from troubled into downright panicked. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to do, and that must have shown quite clearly on him, as Edie jumped in for the rescue.

“Look, Molly,” she said. “Right now, what I need you to do is go and help Betty. She’s in the middle of a very important project, and she has a job for you.” She held out her hand to Molly, and took her to the reception area, where Betty put the girl to work rearranging the boxes of toys Edie kept on hand for the kids she worked with. A very important job, in Molly’s estimation. “Also, make sure nothing is broken, and if you see any toys in there that aren’t clean, give them to Betty to sanitize.” Edie turned to Rafe, then winked. “Molly knows how important it is to keep our toys clean.”

The wink definitely caught him off guard, but so did the way Molly went right at her task, separating the toys into three boxes, one for boys, one for girls, and one for everybody, being careful to inspect each and every one. For the first time since he’d returned to Lilly Lake, he was actually seeing Molly smile. More than ever, that was a sure sign that he had no business taking care of a child. He didn’t know what it took to cause her to smile, even though he’d made awkward attempts. Didn’t know how to assess her needs. In fact, everything he did felt wrong. And that feeling of inadequacy was only emphasized by Molly’s absence of response to his feeble attempts. The fact that even after he’d told Molly that Grace had died, her lack of understanding merely underlined his ineptness, which told him that even though he felt miserable disrupting Molly’s life so much, what he had to do was the right thing.

“I figured she’d have some problems coping with my aunt’s death,” he said, once Edie shut her office door, “but I had no idea she didn’t understand it at all. I’m sure you’ve already seen how much I don’t know about kids.”

“Don’t worry about it, Doctor. Children adjust in their own way, in their own good time. Right now, Molly’s just processing what’s happening to her. For a child, it’s difficult. But give her a little while to work through it. I’m sure she will, but if, for some reason, she doesn’t, we’ll try approaching it a different way, something she’s better able to cope with. And that’s all it’s about at her age…finding that one special way that will help her cope. Because, honestly, I do think she understands. It’s more a matter of her trying to figure out how to handle what she knows. That’s most likely where Molly’s still confused, which is why it’s easier for her to ignore everything that’s happened and simply return to a time when it was easier for her.” She reached out, and laid a reassuring hand on his arm. “However it happens, Dr. Corbett, we’ll work through it.”

He glanced down at her hand, surprised by the sensation running up his arm. A tingle? “Please, call me Rafe,” he said, sounding just the slightest bit unsteady.

“Rafe,” she replied, gesturing him to the chair across from her desk.

He opted to stand next to the door, however. Ready to escape, maybe? Ready to throw in the towel and admit that he was totally out of his league here, and it bothered him because he was used to being the one in charge? “So, in your experience, how long does this processing take?”

Edie sat down behind her desk, folded her hands patiently and precisely in front of her, then stared up at him. “You really don’t know a thing about children, do you?”

“It shows that much?”

She laughed. “You might as well be carrying a sign broadcasting it. Meaning I think you’re going to need a lot of help. Probably more than you know.”

Suddenly, the tension in him melted away. He liked Molly’s friend, and he was certainly glad she wasn’t a little playmate. In fact, he was very glad about that. “Do you like horses, Edie?” he asked impulsively, as the urge to ride hit him. He hadn’t done it in years. Had put it away as part of a past he’d never wanted to revisit. Now he wanted to ride, probably the only thing that had ever made him truly happy when he’d been a kid and, more surprisingly, he didn’t want to ride solitary the way he’d done more often than not back then. In fact, he could almost picture the three of them on the trail together—him, Molly, Edie. Odd, the picture of it developing. But pleasant. And totally unexpected.

“Real horses, toy horses?”

He chuckled. “Real horses. Leather saddle. A ride in the country.” An idea with growing appeal.

“Horses are OK, I guess, from a distance. Why do you ask?”

“I’ve just decided to take Molly on a ride out to the lake later this afternoon for a picnic, and I was wondering if you’d like to come with us, maybe give me my first lesson in everything I need to know about children. Assuming that when you told me I needed help, you were also offering it.”