Kitabı oku: «Navy Officer to Family Man», sayfa 2
Stella shook her head. Juliet wasn’t surprised; Stella was there to cheer for the university side—she had no allegiance to the defence academy. But that didn’t mean Juliet couldn’t adopt the defence force team as hers.
‘Can I have a look at the programme?’ she asked.
Stella handed over the paper she’d been holding and Juliet scrolled down the page. Number fourteen?Sam Taylor. It wasn’t much, but it was better than nothing.
Juliet spent the rest of the half with one eye on Sam and the other on the crowd, trying to determine if anyone seemed to be following Sam particularly. There were plenty of supporters yelling for him whenever he got the ball, which seemed to be a frequent occurrence, but it was hard to tell if any of them were as focussed on Sam as she was. In the end she gave up and spent the rest of the time enjoying the spectacle and vowing to introduce herself to him after the match.
The spectators gathered in the university rugby club bar at the end of the game and wasted no time before ordering drinks. Juliet was careful to stay in control. The rugby players had all gone to shower and change and she wanted to be prepared for Sam’s return. She was going to make sure she made a good first impression, for reasons she didn’t fully understand but which seemed vitally important.
She and Stella positioned themselves between the band and the bar and kept an eye on the doors. The players were beginning to drift in now. They were easy to pick out of the crowd as most still had damp hair from their showers. The university boys were in civvies but the defence force boys were in their dress uniforms. In Juliet’s opinion the defence force boys had an unfair advantage over the university boys. Dress uniforms trumped casual clothes any day.
Sam came through the doors, his white uniform immaculate. She’d always been a sucker for a man in uniform. He was six feet of muscle impeccably dressed. His hair was damp from the shower so it was a darker blond now, thick and wavy. Juliet wondered if there was a regulation about hair length in the navy. Sam’s hair looked longer than most, although it stopped short of his collar. His shoulders were broad and straight and he looked like a perfect gentleman, strong and protective, chivalrous. Juliet knew he might be none of those things but he could certainly sell the illusion.
She scanned the room, waiting to see if anyone went to claim him. A couple of his companions broke away to meet their girlfriends but Sam continued walking. From her spot on the far side of the room she could see him sweep his gaze across the crowd. Was he looking for anyone in particular? He hadn’t stopped scanning the room and she was concentrating so intently on his movements that she was unprepared when his gaze swept her side of the room. Before she had a chance to look away their eyes locked. She tried to relax. After all, he couldn’t know she’d been watching him ever since he’d stepped inside, and she thought she’d pulled it off until he winked at her. She felt herself blush and was tempted to dive behind Stella, but at least he’d noticed her. That was a good thing, so she smiled at him before looking away. She still had time to play it cool and work out her plan of attack.
She waited until he was at the bar then offered to fetch Stella another drink.
‘Excuse me, would you mind if I squeezed in here?’ People were packed tightly together along the bar, giving her the perfect excuse to cram herself in beside Sam.
‘Not at all,’ he said, moving over to make space for her. He smiled at her and Juliet felt her heart skip a beat. She’d always thought that was just a saying but there was no other way to describe the effect of his smile on her. If he was gorgeous when he was running around a rugby field, he was absolutely superb when he smiled. His smile was wide and white and started at the right-hand corner of his mouth before spreading to the left and finally reaching his eyes. Crinkles appeared in the corners of his eyes, but they didn’t detract from his looks. He looked like a man who smiled often and easily. The moment his smile lit up his face Juliet knew she was in big trouble. Sam had to be hers?there were no two ways about it.
Her eyes were still locked on his as she thanked him for making room. ‘I enjoyed the game. Congratulations on winning.’ She paused for a fraction before deciding nothing ventured, nothing gained. ‘It’s Sam, isn’t it? I’m Juliet,’ she said, holding out her hand.
He shook her hand and Juliet had the strangest sense of déjà vu. His touch was familiar but she knew that was impossible, yet she could sense a memory, almost as though her skin had felt his touch before. It was slightly unnerving but Juliet couldn’t force herself to remove her hand.
‘Have we met before?’ Sam asked. He was frowning and a crease appeared between his eyes.
‘No.’ Had he felt the same strange familiarity or was he only asking because she’d used his name? She could explain one reason but not the other. ‘I looked you up in the match programme after that first try. I wanted to know who everyone was cheering for.’ Juliet let go of his hand.
He smiled again, his right-to-left smile, and said, ‘What about you? Who were you cheering for?’
‘No one really…not for the first fifteen minutes anyway. I came with a girlfriend to cheer for the uni team but I might have swapped allegiances.’ She gave him a sideways glance, hoping he’d pick up on her invitation.
‘So you don’t have a boyfriend on the uni team who’s going to get upset if I buy you a drink?’
‘No boyfriend.’
And that had been it. Somewhere along the way Juliet had remembered to give Stella her drink and had been relieved to find her in a group that included the boy she was keen on, but after that Sam had been the only one who had held any interest for Juliet.
They’d had such passion and she still found it hard to believe that it hadn’t been enough to sustain them. Hard to believe they hadn’t made it.
She’d only ever had eyes for Sam but passion was no match for reality.
The sound of the front door opening brought Juliet out of her reverie. Initially she thought Sam and the children were home but then she heard Maggie calling her. Her sister had gone for a run and was now probably wondering where everyone had disappeared to. The house was in darkness as Juliet hadn’t turned any lights on and it probably seemed abandoned.
‘In here, Mags,’ she called out, letting Maggie know she was home.
Maggie stuck her head into Juliet’s room. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Nothing,’ Juliet said as she sat up.
‘It’s very quiet. Are the kids already in bed?’
‘No, Sam’s taken them out for dinner.’
‘He’s still in town?’
‘He goes back tomorrow,’ Juliet said.
‘And then what?’ Maggie crossed the room and sat on the bed beside Juliet.
‘I’m not sure. That’s what I’ve been thinking about. Where do I go from here? On one hand nothing’s changed but on the other…’
‘Everything’s changed.’
Juliet nodded.
‘You could have gone with him.’
‘I could have but moving every three years or, worse, every six months wasn’t the right thing for the children, especially Kate. Regardless of her issues, moving constantly once we had a family wasn’t our plan and I thought that given the childhood Sam had he’d want to keep his family together. I thought it would be important to him. But the navy was more important and Sam couldn’t, or wouldn’t, give it up.’ Juliet picked at the quilt cover as she spoke. ‘I made him choose between the navy and us, and I lost.’ She shrugged. ‘No point sitting here feeling sorry for myself. I’ll just have to get on with things.’
Maggie hugged her. ‘You know I’ll always be here if you need me.’
‘Thanks, but I can’t expect you to jump on a plane and fly down to Melbourne at the drop of a hat. You’re here now and I do appreciate that but I’m an adult, and I should be able to manage on my own.’
‘You can manage but there will be times when it’s tough to do that and Sam won’t always be able to help you with the kids in a crisis?he could be on the other side of the world. I’ll only be in Sydney so if you need me, I want to know. You’ve done it for me and I’d be upset to think you wouldn’t call me. Okay?’
Juliet nodded. ‘Thanks, Mags.’
Maggie squeezed her shoulders. ‘No probs. Now, can I make you a cup of tea before I jump in the shower?’
‘No, I’m fine really. The kids should be back soon. Have a shower while there’s still some peace and quiet.’
Maggie disappeared into the guest bathroom and was still in there when Sam and the children returned. Juliet met them at the door and Sam handed her the car keys and a pizza box. ‘We thought you probably hadn’t eaten. It’s a Margherita.’
‘Thank you,’ she said as she took the box from Sam’s hands. Margherita was her favourite. Sam had always been good at the little things but it was the big things that had torn them apart. He could remember her favourite pizza topping and how she liked her tea but couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to move house every three years for the rest of her life.
Let it go, she reprimanded herself, it’s over.
She took the pizza into the kitchen and she could hear the children asking Sam to tuck them into bed before he left. She let Sam help them brush their teeth, change into their pyjamas and read them a story while she ate a couple of slices of pizza, leaving some for Maggie. When the children were ready for bed she stood and watched as Sam kissed them goodnight, amazed as always that she and Sam had created two incredible little people. Two miniature versions of themselves.
But the similarities between her and her daughter were physical rather than psychological. Kate, with her thick dark hair and bright blue eyes, was the spitting image of herself at the same age but she was far more reserved than Juliet had ever been. Juliet was stubborn and headstrong and prone to making quick decisions; Kate was far more measured and in control of her emotions, even at the age of eight. Juliet sometimes wondered if Kate’s dyslexia had influenced her personality. Had she learned to take her time with her responses to ensure she made fewer mistakes or was she simply less volatile than her mother?
Edward and Kate were as different as chalk and cheese, both in looks and behaviour. Edward had inherited his father’s looks and much of his personality. They were both adrenalin junkies, both attracted to danger. She was constantly on the lookout around Edward because he was still too young to assess risk. Sam liked order and routine, he liked to follow the rules and would never make a rash judgement. Juliet hoped Ed would develop some of his father’s sense as he matured but she was worried because she suspected Sam might have always had that slightly sensible gene and that healthy regard for the rules may have been reinforced by his defence force upbringing. Sam’s love of order and routine had certainly helped him to cope with the frequent moves that he’d been exposed to as a defence force brat. From what he ate for breakfast and how he read the paper to the system in his wardrobe and in his bookshelves, Sam was a creature of habit. Even the kids’ bedtime routine had been started by Sam. And now Juliet had taken away some of that.
She followed Sam’s lead, kissing the children goodnight as an unwelcome thought burrowed its way into her head—other than their children, they hadn’t made much of a success of their life together.
CHAPTER THREE
August 2008
JULIET was rushing around the house, trying to get several last-minute jobs out of the way before fetching Edward from kindergarten, when she was interrupted by a knock at the door. A postman waited with a letter, registered mail. She showed the postman her driver’s licence as identification and signed for the envelope with a shaky hand. She knew what the envelope contained? it could only be one thing. It had been a month and a day since she and Sam had been in court.
This was it. Her self-imposed D-Day.
She’d been delaying a whole host of things, things she couldn’t put off any longer. She hadn’t set a date exactly but she’d decided that once the divorce was final and she had the paperwork that said so, she would have to face facts.
She took the envelope to the kitchen and slit it open with a knife.
It had been a month and a day since she’d seen Sam, one month and a day since they’d been in court. Her divorce was absolute. It was there in black and white in front of her. She was now officially a divorcee.
Before she could procrastinate again or let herself be distracted by the children, she did the two things she’d been avoiding. She slid her wedding and engagement rings off her finger and slipped them onto her right hand. It was a slightly tighter fit but she wasn’t ready to be without them totally, though she also had no cause to still be wearing them on her left hand. The rings felt heavy on her right hand and her thumb automatically fiddled with the bands. She supposed she’d get used to the sensation.
One more task to do. She picked up the phone but hesitated before dialling. She put it onto the kitchen bench while she deliberated. What if she didn’t need to make this phone call after all? She palpated her left breast with her fingers, hoping, once again, that maybe the lump had disappeared. But it was still there, about the size of a small walnut. She retrieved the phone and made a long-overdue appointment with her doctor.
‘Good morning, Juliet,’ Dr Wilson said as she called her into the consulting room. ‘What can I do for you today?’
‘I’ve found another breast lump,’ Juliet said as she sat down. She had a history of benign nodules and she’d had various tests done in the past but thankfully they’d all come back negative for any malignancy.
‘When did you notice this one?’
‘A few months ago,’ she answered honestly.
‘Any changes in this one?’
‘I think it’s got bigger.’
Dr Wilson looked at her with one eyebrow raised. ‘Any reason why you haven’t been in to see me sooner?’
Juliet knew that the change in the size of the lump should have sounded warning bells. It had, she just hadn’t had the time or energy to deal with it. Part of her had also tried to pretend that this lump was just like all the others and they’d been fine, hadn’t they? But she knew that this lump wasn’t the same—it had kept on growing.
‘Sam and I got divorced. I had a lot on my plate.’
‘I’m sorry to hear about the divorce?that must have been tough.’ Dr Wilson paused before adding, ‘Do you want my lecture on how important it is not to neglect your health now or should I save it for later?’
Juliet shook her head. ‘Save it. I know I owe it to my children to look after myself, that’s why I’m here.’
‘Fair enough. Let’s have a look at this lump, then, shall we?’
Juliet undressed and was poked and prodded for the first of what would become many times over the course of the next few days. The lump was tender but no worse than the others had been.
‘How big was it when you first noticed it?’ Dr Wilson asked.
‘About the size of a pea,’ Juliet recalled.
‘Just under a centimetre, then. It’s now between three and four. When did you notice that it had got bigger?’
‘Probably five or six weeks ago,’ Juliet estimated. It had been around the time she and Sam had gone to court, which was one reason she’d ignored it. It hadn’t reached the top of her list of priorities yet.
‘I think we need to check this out further. You can get dressed and then I’ll take some blood, and I’m also going to send you off for a mammogram. You haven’t had one before, have you?’
‘No, only ultrasounds.’
‘It can be a bit difficult to get a clear picture with a mammogram in the under forty-five age group because your breast tissue is still quite dense, but I want to do that so we can get a look at the size and shape of the lump and a clear idea of its position. I’m going to refer you for a biopsy as well but those results will take a little longer to get back.’
Juliet was dressed now and sat in the chair beside Dr. Wilson’s desk, extending her left arm, ready for blood to be drawn. The needle stung as it entered her arm and she watched the dark red blood fill up the vial, wondering what sort of nasty things her blood was harbouring.
‘I want you to have the mammogram this afternoon, and I’ll make some calls and see if I can get you in for the biopsy tomorrow,’ Dr Wilson said as she capped and labelled Juliet’s blood. ‘Is there someone who can help you with the children if the appointment times clash with school pick-ups? It might make it easier to get appointments for you if you can be flexible.’
Juliet nodded silently. She didn’t have a clue who to call but she was sure she’d think of someone once her brain had time to process all the other stuff Dr Wilson was talking about. Mammograms, biopsies, blood tests. She hadn’t actually said the word yet but Juliet knew what she was thinking. Cancer.
Juliet was struggling to get past that word. The word was stuck in her head, making it very difficult to concentrate on everything else Dr Wilson was telling her. The word was also stuck in her throat, making it difficult to breathe. Perhaps she’d feel better if that word was out in the open.
‘You think I have cancer?’
Saying it out loud didn’t improve matters much. She was breathing now but the tightness in her chest had been replaced by nausea.
Dr Wilson’s reply didn’t ease her fears. ‘I think this lump is different from the fibroadenomas you already have. It’s presenting more like a tumour because it’s growing rapidly and I don’t like that. I think we need to get as much information as we can to determine what we’re dealing with but, remember, not all lumps are malignant.’
Juliet nodded but nothing else changed?she still felt nauseous, she still had a new lump in her breast.
‘Do you want to call someone now? Get someone to drive you to the breast-screening clinic?’ Dr Wilson asked.
‘No, I’m okay, I’ll drive myself,’ Juliet replied, thinking that she needed to get through the mammogram as quickly as possible to make sure she was in time to collect the children from kindy and school.
‘Okay. But can you arrange for someone to drive you to the biopsy? Your chest is likely to be quite sore once the local anaesthetic wears off and you’d be wise not to drive.’
Juliet nodded and left Dr Wilson’s surgery with referrals for the mammogram and the biopsy and a follow-up appointment for two days hence. The receptionist would ring her with a time for the biopsy.
The mammogram was not the horrific experience she had been anticipating, judging from comments she’d heard from other women over the years. It was uncomfortable but in the scheme of things it was bearable.
Maybe she was in shock, numb to what was happening around her. She felt as though she was in a nightmare. The whole day had a surreal quality to it and she half expected one of the children to wake her up at any minute. Trying to take on board everything that she was being told was proving difficult when she felt as though she was wading through thick fog. Nothing was making sense. Was it really possible that she had cancer?
She tried to think through the situation but it was virtually impossible, partly because she had no facts yet and partly because she couldn’t believe it was really happening.
She got dressed after the mammogram and hoped she was giving all the right responses as the technicians gave her more information, but her mind had already moved on to the next day and to the arrangements she would have to make. There was a message on her phone with the appointment time for the biopsy. Who would drive her to her next appointment? Perhaps she should take a taxi. Who could she ask to collect the children? She knew that this might only be the beginning of a host of favours she could need from people. If there was bad news then Dr Wilson was right?she was going to need support. Where was this going to come from?
She put those thoughts to the back of her mind while she drove to the kindergarten to collect Edward, focussing on the road and on getting there safely.
Edward’s face lit up with a delightful smile, Sam’s smile, when he saw her waiting to collect him—it was as though her presence was a big surprise. She wondered who would collect him if something happened to her and then quickly pushed that thought to the back of her mind as she hugged Ed to her when he arrived at her feet at full speed. He was closely followed by his best friends, Jake and Rory—they’d met on their first day of three-year-old kindergarten and were almost always together, like the three musketeers. Their mothers, Anna and Gabby, had become good friends of Juliet’s by association and she wondered if their friendship would stretch a little further if she needed their help.
She saw Gabby arriving to collect Rory, running late as usual. Gabby waved and came straight over to Juliet. ‘Hi, how are you? Rory was wondering if Ed would like to come for a play. Would that suit you?’ Gabby asked, not pausing for breath. She always did things at a fast pace and was always busy, and Juliet sometimes wondered if she ever slept.
‘Is there any chance you could have him tomorrow instead?’ Juliet hated asking but if Gabby was offering to have Edward surely she wouldn’t mind if it was tomorrow and not today? ‘I need to have some tests done and I’m not supposed to drive afterwards.’
The boys, sensing that their mothers weren’t in a hurry to leave, had made a beeline for the playground adjacent the kindergarten. Gabby and Juliet wandered in that direction too.
‘Are you having eye tests?’ Gabby asked.
Juliet knew that eye tests often involved eyedrops that dilated pupils, making driving difficult. She wished it was something that simple. She supposed she should explain; she would end up telling Gabby at some point anyway as she was sure to need her help. ‘No. I have to have a biopsy. I found a lump in my breast.’
Juliet heard Gabby’s sharp intake of breath and saw her eyes widen. ‘When did this happen?’
‘I noticed it a while back but I was at the doctor today.’
‘And you’re straight in for a biopsy?’
Juliet knew Gabby was considering the timeline, recognising the sense of urgency. ‘I had a mammogram today. My GP wants the information as quickly as possible.’
‘Have you got any info yet?’
Juliet shook her head. ‘No, the mammogram results will go straight to my GP and to the surgeon for tomorrow.’
‘How are you getting to tomorrow’s appointment?’ Gabby was firing questions at Juliet, once again barely pausing for breath.
‘I’ll catch a cab.’
‘Why don’t I drive you? I’ll make sure you get home and then I’ll pick up the boys and Kate and bring them home later.’
‘What about work?’
Gabby waved a hand, dismissing Juliet’s protests. ‘Finn’s around. I’ll just tell him he’ll need to manage the gallery—it doesn’t need both of us there.’
Gabby and her husband owned an upmarket art gallery and travelled frequently. Juliet started to protest and then stopped herself. As much as she didn’t like to ask for help, she would have to get used to it, just as she would have to get used to accepting help when it was offered. ‘If you’re sure, that would be fabulous. I’m a bit apprehensive.’
‘Of course you are, anyone would be, but I’m sure it will all be fine.’
Juliet wished she could be so certain. She was expecting bad news, she could almost feel it coming, but she didn’t comment. She called to Edward, told him they needed to collect Kate, and then gave Gabby the details of where and when the appointment was, and agreed to be ready an hour before.
The next week was a whirlwind of appointments. Juliet saw the specialist and had a core biopsy under a local anaesthetic; she had a follow-up with her GP and then went back to the specialist. It was all she could do to keep track of which doctor she was seeing on which day, which hospital she had to be at and which forms she needed to take with her, without having to worry about the routine things like feeding the children. Fortunately Gabby was fabulous. She stepped in and basically ran Juliet’s life for her, taking over all the general household chores and giving Juliet time to deal with the doctors and to hug her children. Over the next week Gabby alternated between being Juliet’s taxi service, nanny, personal shopper and cook, but even Gabby couldn’t stop the downward spiral that was Juliet’s medical condition.
Seven days after the mammogram the specialist delivered the diagnosis and it was just as Juliet had feared. The lump she’d been ignoring for several months was a malignant tumour.
She had breast cancer.
Juliet’s world was crumbling around her. She had two small children and she was on her own. She was divorced. She had breast cancer.
She wanted her old life back. She wanted her health back. She wanted Sam.
Gabby was supportive. Once again she cooked dinner for Juliet’s children on the night Juliet got her diagnosis and she offered to cook for Juliet too, but she couldn’t eat. She couldn’t imagine that she’d ever feel like eating again.
Gabby did what she could but she wasn’t Sam.
She’d offered to stay, had offered to keep Juliet company after the children had been put to bed, but Juliet had said she wanted to be alone.
She’d lied.
What Juliet wanted was Sam.
Sam was her rock. He had got her through her first crisis, her first two crises. She remembered how Sam had been there for her nine years ago and she knew she wouldn’t have managed without him. Who would be her rock now?
Darwin, 1999
Juliet carried the last of the shopping bags into the house. It was a humid, steamy day, typical Darwin dry-season weather, and she could feel the beads of sweat trickling down between her breasts. She unpacked the groceries, putting the things that had to go into the fridge away before deciding to leave the rest until after her swim.
She and Sam had moved directly from wintry Canberra to the tropics of the Northern Territory. It had taken her a while to acclimatise to the tropical Darwin weather but she’d finally learned to slow her pace to suit the climate. Things moved more slowly in the north. It was something the rest of the country always commented on and Juliet could understand why—it was impossible to maintain a hectic schedule in these hot, moist, stupefying temperatures.
They’d lived in Darwin for nearly three years now and because of the city’s transient population they were almost considered locals. Being part of the defence force had made the transition relatively easy. Defence force personnel were accustomed to people coming and going and were generally a sociable, welcoming group of people. They had settled easily into the city. Juliet had completed her Master’s in international law in Canberra and had gone on to complete a diploma in education as well. She was teaching at the law school at the university and through this network and the defence force they had a wide circle of acquaintances.
There was always something happening—a barbeque, a game of tennis, drinks for someone who was leaving or to welcome new arrivals—and Sam and Juliet had an active social life, but what Juliet really loved was when it was just her and Sam, together, their own little unit. They’d moved here as virtual newlyweds and Juliet still cherished the rare occasions when she had Sam to herself. It was an idyllic lifestyle and they existed in a state of euphoria and contentment. Only a few weeks ago, their little bubble had expanded when Juliet had got a positive result on a pregnancy test. She now had everything she’d ever wished for.
She finished putting away the groceries and went to find her bathers. It was an afternoon ritual for her to meet Sam at the swimming pool on the naval base for a late-afternoon swim and a game of tennis or a drink with whoever was around in the officers’ mess. The base was only a five-minute drive from their married quarters and the trip was worth every second in this hot and humid climate.
Juliet found her swimsuit and changed out of her sundress. As she stepped out of her underwear she noticed some spots of blood. Just small spots, but surely that wasn’t normal. Beside her bed was the bible of expectant mothers and, slightly panicked, Juliet grabbed the book, searching for information. What did the book say about spotting? Was there anything in there to reassure her?
Chapter two said some women got spotting in the first month of pregnancy around about the time their period would normally be due. The advice was to rest and see if the bleeding stopped. But Juliet was eleven weeks pregnant. She flipped through the book, frantically searching for more. Chapter seven talked about bleeding in the last few weeks of pregnancy but there was nothing in between. She found nothing that set her mind at ease. Swimming was obviously out of the question if there was bleeding. Rest seemed to be the answer. She lay on her bed and continued scouring her book for any more information as she willed herself to stay calm and relaxed and prayed for the bleeding to stop.
It didn’t.
Calm and relaxed turned into stomach cramps. Juliet was almost too afraid to check but she had to know. She went to the bathroom. The bleeding was heavier and the blood was bright red. That wasn’t good.
She phoned Sam and he was by her side within ten minutes. Fifteen minutes after that he’d whisked her off to the emergency department at the Darwin Hospital and she was being taken into a cubicle for an ultrasound scan. Sam held her hand as the technician started the consult and stayed beside her when the technician went to call for the doctor. Juliet felt her pulse increase its pace with nervousness. She wanted the technician to show her an image of the baby on the screen, not fetch the doctor. She’d read enough of her pregnancy book to know she should be able to see her baby on the monitor. The only thing that kept her from panicking, that prevented her from screaming and yelling and demanding to know what was wrong, was Sam’s calming presence. She knew if he let go of her hand she would lose control. Somehow Sam knew that too and he held his position, comforting her with his solid, dependable presence. Maybe, just maybe, she thought, things would be okay as long as Sam was there.
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