Kitabı oku: «Super Confidence: Simple Steps to Build Your Confidence»

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Acknowledgements

Note to 2014 Edition

Introduction

Chapter 1: Understanding Confidence

Chapter 2: Changing Ourselves and Our World

Chapter 3: Self-knowledge

Chapter 4: Improving Your Self-esteem

Chapter 5: Choosing the Right Style of Behaviour

Chapter 6: Becoming More Assertive

Chapter 7: Good Communication

Chapter 8: Anger and Criticism

Chapter 9: Improving Your Relationships

Chapter 10: Planning Your Programme for Change

Chapter 11: Practical Exercises

Further Reading

Taking It Further

By the same author

Other Titles in This Series

List of Searchable Terms

Copyright

About the Publisher

Acknowledgements

The ideas contained in this programme have been developed through a ‘trial and error’ process, over several years. I am indebted to the many hundreds of people who have attended my courses and given me the honest and constructive criticism which has now enabled me to write this book with confidence! I would particularly like to mention my many friends at MIND YOUR SELF in Leeds, many of whom I originally knew as my ‘clients’ and who now work alongside me as talented and creative counsellors.

I would also like to thank my husband, Stuart, for his never-ending support and very practical midnight editing skills.

Finally, I am grateful to my daughters, Susie and Laura, who have been content to accept periods of ‘not-so-perfect’ mothering during the final stages in the preparation of this book.

Note to 2014 Edition

Twenty-five years have passed since I first wrote this book. During this time, I have continued to pursue this special interest of mine, and my own thinking and practice have obviously developed. So, as I prepared to re-read this book I did wonder whether I would still be able to stand by the opinions and suggestions of my younger self. I was relieved to find that I could, and that only a few minor tweaks in its style and references were needed for this new edition.

The past five years of global economic turbulence have increased competitiveness in almost all walks of life. As a result, maintaining self-confidence has become a challenge for many people who never previously doubted their internal strength and/or their level of social skills. Such people are often reluctant to ask for help from professional coaches and counsellors, as they do not consider their problem (perhaps quite rightly) to be severe enough. They feel they ought to be able to ‘pull themselves together’. And, I do believe they are by and large quite right! Most can re-build shattered confidence on their own, but only if they go about it in a constructive way. Commonly, I have witnessed many people trying to kick and bully themselves forward with cajoling self-talk and unrealistic targets, and, as a result, find that their confidence is knocked back even further.

If you happen to be someone for whom this scenario rings bells, this book could certainly help. It gives a good basic understanding of the specific ingredients of self-confidence and can help you pinpoint exactly where you as an individual could start re-booting it. The step-by-step programme in Chapter 11 is one that I did originally write for small self-help groups. It can, however, be done more privately on your own if that is your preferred or only option.

Introduction

We often talk about confidence as though it were something that Fairy Godmothers bring. We may say, for example, ‘She’s lucky, she’s got loads of confidence’. But are we so sure that we know what we mean when we use the word ‘confidence’? Is it really up to ‘luck’ whether we possess this prized quality or not? If so, are some men and women just ‘born lucky’? If not, how do you go about getting more confidence for yourself?

These are just some of the questions which this book plans to discuss, and to answer.

When I first started running confidence-building workshops, I felt quite anxious. Would people expect me to be the supreme model of confidence? I was only too aware of a number of areas in my life where I was still struggling to maintain a feeling of confidence. I had to remind myself that being confident is not the same as being perfect! I had, once again, to look back at myself as I was in my twenties, in order to remind myself of the gigantic strides forward I had made during the previous 10 to 15 years, and I had to reappraise how this had been achieved. I am not prepared to give the credit for this achievement to Lady Luck because it rightly belongs to myself and to a number of other people who have guided and supported me through these years of growth. This book is an attempt to share what I have gained from this personal learning experience, as well as the knowledge I have acquired as a therapist in helping others to build up their own confidence.

This book is not intended to be digested at thriller-reading speed; it is essentially a workbook, so read it a chapter at a time. Give yourself time to think, observe, and discuss before moving on, so that you can relate its contents to your personal experiences. This book does not offer an instant miracle cure for lack of confidence, but it can guide you along a well-trodden path which has led hundreds of people to a more exciting and enriching life.

The Year 2000 and Beyond

Super Confidence is a very special book for me. It has changed my life. It brought so many new challenges that my own confidence flourished. I have used its success to take me through doors which I would never previously have dreamed of knocking on.

As the sales of my book increased and I was invited to talk and teach on this subject in many diverse venues, I began to realize that a lack of self-confidence frequently lay behind the masks of courage and competence of even society’s highest achievers. I then began to extend my theories into the world of work. There I met many men who demanded to know why I had addressed the first edition primarily to women!

I welcome this opportunity to update and widen the scope of this book. I hope it will now be a useful and practical tool to help anyone of any gender, any age and in any country! I know the skills of confidence-boosting can be easily learned, and when they are regularly practised can undoubtedly improve everyone’s life.

I hope you enjoy using this book to help you take yourself through whichever doors you feel like entering.

CHAPTER 1
Understanding Confidence

If we would like to be more confident, the first step we must take is to conjure a picture in our minds of the kind of person we would like to be.

How Do We Recognize Confident People?

We will notice that confident people behave as though:

They love themselves – and they don’t mind us knowing that they care for themselves.

They understand themselves – and continue to wonder about themselves as they grow and develop.

They know what they want – and are not afraid to keep setting new goals for themselves.

They think positively – and don’t feel overwhelmed by problems.

They behave skilfully – and know which behaviour is appropriate for each individual situation.

We tend to feel good in the company of confident people because:

We feel secure because we know where we stand with them. They are open and genuine. If they are feeling good, they let us know; if they are feeling cross or anxious, they will also let us know. We do not have to worry about what they might be thinking about us, or about the situation we are in.

They don’t depend on ‘putting down’ other people in order to feel powerful, so we can more easily trust that they will be fair and will not abuse us.

They will encourage confidence in us because they prefer the company of confident people.

They do not set themselves up as being perfect and are always willing to acknowledge their own weaknesses and mistakes.

They are often lively because their energy is precious to them and they use it selectively and with great care.

They can also be peaceful and relaxed because they do not feel they constantly have to prove themselves through their words and actions.

They will give us a sense of optimism, because they will think creatively about problems rather than spending hours moaning about them.

What Is the Price We Pay for Lack of Confidence?

There are very few people who haven’t experienced the pain and disappointment that accompany lack of confidence, but let’s take a moment to remind ourselves of the price we can pay. The following list will probably jog some memories for most of us.

We feel:

• isolated and lonely

• acutely embarrassed and awkward

• frightened and powerless

• physically sick and tense

• in awe of confident people

• worthless, useless and insignificant

• guilty and to blame

• pessimistic; that there’s no point in trying

• depressed and apathetic

• misunderstood

• let down because we see life passing us by

• resentful and embittered.

In some people these feelings may be obvious, in others they may be well-concealed under a brash veneer of apparent success and self-confidence. As a therapist I have been in the privileged position of hearing many people reveal these kinds of feelings for the first time to anyone. Many people do not admit them to themselves until they face a crisis which confronts them with the reality of their life; often this crisis is their impending death, when life is literally about to pass them by. Perhaps some people are satisfied with the hope that their life on earth may reap them rewards in the Kingdom of Heaven, but the majority of us want more out of this life.

Can You Be Too Confident?

Many people openly acknowledge to me that they are frightened of embarking on a confidence-building programme because they are afraid of becoming ‘over-confident’. They have, perhaps, been carrying around an image in their heads of certain people they have known and not liked, even though they may secretly have admired and envied their success. They give me examples of the popular ones at school, bosses at work, politicians and film stars. To prove their point, they often delight in telling me stories of how these people ended up being alone and unhappy. The moral of these tales is that, if you ‘get too big for your boots’, you will lose out in the end.

I have found that a common reason for this misunderstanding is that people are often not very clear about the differences between assertive and aggressive behaviour. We shall clarify these differences in a later chapter, but for the moment let’s remind ourselves of some real facts about confident people.

Confident people are not:

bossy

– even though they are the kind of people who are prepared to lead authoritatively when they know they need to do so. They are also more than willing to delegate responsibility. This is because their inner self-esteem is so firm that it is not threatened by being led by other people.

selfish

– even though they are not afraid to be seen to be looking after ‘Number One’. They are very willing and able to look after others in need whenever they can. This is because their self-care is so good that they have energy to spare and they know they can comfortably say ‘no’ or ‘no more’ when they need do so.

know-it-alls

– even though they are sure that they have adequate knowledge and skills for the tasks they undertake. They freely admit their limitations. This is because they do not wish to ‘set themselves up’ for failure and are not threatened by others having superior skills in certain areas.

loners

– even though they are comfortable spending time alone and do not need the company of others to make them happy or motivated. They have good relationships. This is because they have the skills to initiate the relationships they want and, if things go wrong, they can be openly confrontative and will willingly negotiate or walk away should they need to do so.

inevitably rich

– even though they may seem satisfied with their financial and material ‘lot’. They may live quite modestly. This is because they are not prepared to sacrifice their health and happiness to earn more than they need and they don’t need to impress others with a show of wealth.

all super-achievers

– even though they perform with excellence at whatever they do and have the potential to achieve more. They may choose to stay at the lower end of society’s ladders. They may even decide to ‘downshift’ and back-pedal in their careers. This is because they may not want to take, or continue along, the road to high achievement. They do not need to ‘prove themselves’ through work or positions of power and fame.