Kitabı oku: «Your Daughter»

Chapter 1

Relationships

Families raise children but they are not the only source of influence or support. Particularly for girls, friends are crucial to happiness and sense of self-worth. Your daughter will be totally reliant on you in her early years. Together with her extended family, be they aunts, uncles and grandparents or step-families, you will nurture, guide and support her. She will find her friends in her neighbour-hood and her school, through her hobbies and interests. A warm, loving network is the foundation on which your daughter will grow and by which she will be shaped. She will take her role models from those closest to her as she grows until she begins to look wider afield. The overwhelming majority of girls say that their mothers are their most influential role models. This is a great tribute but with it comes a huge responsibility – to set the best possible example, to guide and direct, to communicate and explain. As she matures your daughter will also be greatly influenced by her teachers and, above all, by her peers. The media will also have an effect, one which you will probably want to moderate by discussing with her those aspects which you consider admirable . . . and those you don’t. It will not always be plain sailing. Everyone has to deal with disappointment and loss, with failure and heartache. At these times your daughter will rely on her relationships, with you and with others, to help her cope and to help her understand.

Family Relationships

The relationship between parents and their daughters can either be one of great stress and anguish throughout your daughter’s teenage years or it can be one of growing respect and developing friendship, as you both move from the parent-child relationship to the more sophisticated relationship of parent-adult. Watching your daughter blossoming into a young adult, who has her own feelings, thoughts, actions and values, is both daunting and exciting to a parent, but it is important to let her fly and to trust her. At the core of all relationships, especially the parent/daughter one, is open and honest communication. It is crucial to keep the channels of communication open at all times with the aim of developing a long term relationship based on mutual trust.

The importance of family

Girls’ relationships are typically far more complex than those of boys. In general, girls:

• talk more, and unconsciously pass all their thoughts through a powerful emotional filter

• are usually more emotionally manipulative than boys, and have advanced negotiating skills with their parents

• are likely to be ultra-sensitive to any personal comment, particularly during adolescence when their self-confidence can falter

All these factors can converge to make them outstanding managers as adults, but they can also lead to strain within the family relationships as girls grow up.

Your daughter needs to have an individual relationship with each of her parents, or parent-substitutes, whether she normally lives with these individuals or not. If you are an absent parent, use chatty emails or texts; the subtext here is that you still love her unconditionally, despite physical separation. If you live at home with your daughter, you can develop a good relationship with her by ensuring you have regular time just the two of you for relaxed conversation – for example, while doing the washing-up after supper one to one.

A girl generally needs to talk – a lot! Just chatting in an engaged way on a regular basis, from the time speech begins, will get her into the habit of talking things over. This will allow you not only to help with simple things, such as homework – but more importantly, to help steer her emotional growth, as well as to keep things going even when there are difficult times, especially at adolescence. It will enable trust to be built up between you during childhood, and for this to continue after puberty, when family relationships can become strained.

During adolescence, a girl is more likely to take up the values of her peer group than those of her family. Even if it can seem more like simply polite conversation at times, fraught with sensitive areas which must be skirted around, just keep on chatting. This way your daughter will know that, although she seems to be pushing you away, you are still there for her, and that the crucial unconditional love remains as she searches for her own personality and identity. She may often feel very lonely and lost during this stage, and it’s important that she knows she has not lost the secure love of which she was certain in childhood. Remember that in order for her to become an independent, mature adult, she first needs to separate from you.

If things get very bad, or you are worried that she is not in good emotional health, talk it over with your GP or another suitable professional. If your teenage daughter is caught up with others who are not well grounded, or whose family relationships are poor, she may need qualified emotional support – or perhaps a loved and respected grandparent, aunt or godmother can help. She may turn to a teacher or family friend for adult support; if she does, you should not feel you have failed – it is normal.

Our children teach us patience. Our daughters are usually immensely companionable at almost all ages, and while they can be emotionally demanding, they repay it a thousand-fold over time. As adults, should they have children, they will treat their own children as they were treated – generously with love, but with the courage to apply appropriate boundaries at each age, and the ability to defend them as necessary. We model the people our children become. By showing them that we like to spend time with them on a daily basis, we also demonstrate that they are worth everything to us.

Mums and daughters — highs and lows

It starts simply enough – that dear little baby who has stolen your heart. But as she grows up, it all gets more complicated, and your heart melts a bit less when she steals your shoes and your make-up, all the mugs are in her room and she and the car are AWOL.

Maybe she is like you, and maybe not. There is often a unique closeness, as if each seems to see the other as no other can, and they both know it. Over time, the relationship can be quite a rollercoaster, but as well as being the most demanding, it can also be the most rewarding there is. For many women, it is certainly the most important relationship in their lifetime.

The fluency of speech normally developed by girls at a very young age makes possible an exceptional exchange of ideas with their mothers. However, that will include the voicing of negative thoughts as well as deeply affectionate ones. The negotiating power of a 4-year-old girl, especially with her mother, can be astonishingly complex, effective and even manipulative. It can elicit similarly complex responses from the mum, which may not be entirely adult, especially when either or both is tired, as will commonly be the case. More sleep on both sides often cures most problems!

A girl’s mother is her model for life. If you want your daughter to be the best person she can be, you must model the values you wish for her. It helps you to be honest, kind, fair and rational, too, and it gives you the confidence to set appropriate boundaries within which your daughter can operate. After setting these boundaries, you must allow her to negotiate increased freedom over time, and look for reasonably safe ways by which she can become suitably independent, and make her own rules from sensible self-discipline and her own personal wisdom. It helps if you remember this relationship is there for the long term, and that, in time, it will become one of two adults, and later it may well be you who is dependent on her.

During your daughter’s childhood and youth, you should not abdicate responsibility to her just because she is demanding it before she is ready – the grown-ups are supposed to be in control. However, the recognition that even a young girl can make many choices for herself without harm, and that mum should not try to control her daughter, will help both sides to enjoy their lives together as well as separately. A shared sense of humour and confident certainty that all will be well, even though work is required on both sides, will address many eventualities.

It can also help if there is a granny or granny-substitute for you and your daughter to learn from, regarding generational differences and the enduring value of good manners, hard work and respect for others. In time, as the generations move forward, you yourself are likely to be the granny; then, your daughter will suddenly appreciate you all the more. You will have the time to better understand your relationship with your daughter, as she becomes the mum with your granddaughter, and then perhaps sees her own daughter become mum, in her turn.

The changing relationship between mums and daughters

The relationship between mother and daughter is often close until secondary school, when things start to change, and not always in a comfortable way. A larger school, longer journey with more independence, plus the start of puberty, will combine to bring about changes everywhere. You may feel a loss of control for the first time – you will know so much less of your daughter’s school life. The happy child who felt at the top of her tree in Year 6 is suddenly at the bottom of a much larger and more daunting edifice. She will get very tired, very fast. Typically, by the end of that first long term, she will be holding it together at school, but not so successfully at home, and everyone will know it!

You will need to get to know the person named by the school as your daughter’s pastoral carer, and share any worries with them and take their experienced advice. You should try to prepare yourself for a change in your relationship, sensitively offering help at the right time and in the right way, while showing total confidence that your daughter is managing it all very well herself.

Crucially, you must keep speaking with your daughter. This will lay down a structure of support during what is often an even more difficult time ahead. A daily family evening meal keeps things smooth, and can provide an opportunity for regular one to one chats as well. If it’s a school night, it helps if you can ensure that your daughter has a well-organised day. It is a parental responsibility to ensure a pupil gets to school in good time without rushing, is well prepared with all of her schoolwork ready and has eaten breakfast. It is also a parental responsibility to ensure there is a protected time and place for homework, and that she gets to bed early enough to have plenty of sleep, without watching television or using networking sites late at night.

Keeping firm boundaries, while allowing the chance for negotiation of more liberty when appropriate, will keep your daughter secure and confident. Adults must remain in control and model what they want their daughter to do – tell the truth, be open and affectionate, apologise when necessary and keep lines of communication open.

With adolescence comes a pulling away from family, which may carry a great hidden sense of loss of security, and a strong new association with a peer group. This is not a failure of family relationships, but a normal stage of progress. Ideally, an adult is there when your daughter comes home each day, and family values are re-encountered after the heady emotional dramas of school, with family chats over an evening meal. Even during the worst of times of adolescence, a mother is hugely important as a role model and steady rock. It will not always feel like that, but provided there is not a total sense of humour failure, the relationship will, unsteadily, change to one of mutual admiration and support between adults – a source of great contentment on both sides.

Dads — helping your daughter to be the best she can be

Being the dad of a daughter is a great privilege for any man, and it should be a joy. How you treat her and advise her will help to shape her opinion of herself and will affect her relationships with other men during the course of her life. Over the years, fathers invest a great deal in their daughters, but they can sometimes forget that the most important investment of all is time!

Your daughter’s happiness and success, in whatever field, are not mutually exclusive, but they are interdependent. Fathers can contribute greatly to ensuring that home is a secure, nurturing environment where their daughters can make mistakes and even fail occasionally, safe in the knowledge that they will continue to be supported and loved. Therefore, it is important that you make time to support your daughter and do all you can to encourage her to try new activities and seize new opportunities. Give her the confidence to have a go, be it to audition for a part in the school play or to strive for that coveted place on the netball team. Remember, however: it is also important not to impose your own hobbies and interests on your daughter; encourage her to invest time in the activities she is interested in so that she feels ownership of them. If you can discover an interest you both share, it will provide opportunities to deepen your relationship with your daughter; otherwise, get her to teach you about her own interests – you may discover a new interest and will have learnt something from her.

Of course, there will be times when your daughter fails to make the team or is not top of her class; however, this is about your daughter, not you! Avoid direct comparisons with your own ability or school career. Regardless of how well meaning you are, imposing your own academic expectations and choices on to your daughter, or comparing her with a sibling, cousin or colleague’s child, is unlikely to be helpful and can even be hurtful. Instead, support her in setting her own achievable standards and goals.

Praise is inevitably more effective than criticism, especially with girls. Never miss an opportunity to nurture your daughter’s self-esteem; after a setback, provide the loving support that will enable her to pick herself up and rise to meet her next challenge. We sometimes forget that the timing of those important or sensitive conversations can be crucial if there is to be a positive outcome. Just because you happen to be free from life’s pressures momentarily, it might not be the right time for your daughter, so judge this carefully. Take the lead from her; if she wants to discuss something vital to her at 11 pm, try to prop your eyelids open and listen. Do not expect your daughter to tell you everything – there is a subtle difference between dad ‘showing an interest’ and interfering.

Time with your daughter is time well spent, but never forget how important your daughter’s friends also are to her. Take the time to know them well; they are vital to your daughter’s happiness, just like her dad. Celebrate your daughter’s every success with her; after all, you have given her the confidence to throw her hat in the ring and to be the best she can be!

Dads and daughters — your questions answered

Q: My daughter hasn’t achieved the grades she should. As her dad, what can I do to help?

A: It is so important that your daughter does not feel that her lack of success is a disappointment to you and that you do not think any less of her. It might be that she has reached her potential and you are overestimating her ability, or perhaps your daughter is a little too ambitious. Talk to her teachers; they will tell you whether your daughter is working effectively and achieving her full potential or whether there is still more to come. Either way, it is great that you are there to support her as she picks herself up. Make it as easy as possible for her to have another go, but do keep an eye on reality; it may be that your daughter has done exceedingly well and should be congratulated for doing so!

Q: As a family, we have always been open and have brought up our children to not be ashamed of their bodies. Now my teenage daughter wants to lock her bedroom door and locks herself in the bathroom for hours. What’s going on?

A: It is perfectly natural for your daughter to become modest, even secretive, while her body is developing. It will take her time to get used to the changes that are happening, and she is not, and may never be, ready to return to the easy confidence of childhood. She may be particularly shy around you, a male, and it is important that you do not tease or mock her natural modesty; after all, it is something you want her to develop. She may also feel that her bedroom should now become her private space into which she can invite people, including her family, rather than it being ‘invaded’. Respect her wishes unless you have very good reasons to suspect negative motives for wanting this privacy.

Q: My daughter, aged 8, seems to love play-flirting with every man she comes into contact with. Should I be worried?

A: Hopefully not — practising her feminine wiles is one element of growing up. However, you will not wish your daughter only to relate to the opposite sex in a ‘flirty’ way. It is vital that your daughter is encouraged, particularly by her father, to value herself for who she is: her interests, talents and personality, rather than for her physical attributes. If she can learn this from an early age, she will respect herself and make wise choices later. If you are seriously concerned about her behaviour — for instance, if she shows inappropriate knowledge of sexual matters — you should consider talking to your GP about your concerns.

Q: My daughter has always had a good relationship with her mother, but now they are constantly rowing. She and I are getting along really well, but I’m uncomfortable about this friction between the two women in my life.

A: Your final phrase explains it all! Your daughter (probably aged around 14?) is challenging her mother for the ‘alpha female’ role in your household, questioning and testing her in her own quest to work out what sort of woman she herself is going to be. In the process she will also be vying for your attention and testing her female charms en route to womanhood. Not an easy time — but very normal! For each of you, the key to getting through this phase unscathed is for you and your partner to maintain a united front and appropriate boundaries — particularly regarding acceptable behaviour from your hormonal daughter. This is even more important if you are living apart. In this case, you could be tempted to believe everything your (currently) adoring daughter is telling you about her mother’s perceived imperfections. Try to remember that this is just another developmental phase.

Family Issues

Every parent wishes for and strives to give their child a happy, nurturing and secure framework in which she can grow and thrive but inevitably your daughter will encounter setbacks and difficul-ties on her path to adulthood. Failure and loss are part of life and she will need your support as she comes to terms with and learns to assimilate whatever difficulties come her way. Within the family she may have to cope with bereavement or divorce, sibling rivalry or any of the other stresses and strains which are a normal part of life. It is important to separate your emotions from hers and to understand her perspective; to remember than you are the adult, she is the child. Your daughter’s friends may come and go but her family should give her unconditional love and support.

Divorce and separation

The personal relationship between you as a couple may be over. You may be contemplating or have embarked upon separating or divorcing, and yet your role as parents continues.

At this difficult time never forget that your daughter still needs you. The strain of a failing emotional relationship can impact upon yours with your daughter. It is vital that you both continue to communicate clearly with her.

The key messages for parents at this time are:

• neither of you should undermine the other in front of your daughter

• both of you should avoid blaming her for the breakdown of the relationship

• both of you should set up consistent messages about boundaries with each other prior to separation

• both of you should reassure her that while your relationship has failed, your love for her is constant and continuing

Some parents seek the support of a family mediator to facilitate their communication with each other and with their children. A family mediator usually has legal or therapeutic training. They are completely independent, as they do not advise either parent individually. They do not judge the issues or impose solutions. Instead, they are able to work with both parents face to face to help see issues from the viewpoints of each child and to focus on the future rather than dwelling on the past. Mediation can help to manage the practical arrangements associated with children keeping in contact with the parent they no longer live with. While mediation is a confidential and private process, just think what a powerful message you send to your daughter by demonstrating that to sort out difficult issues, the best way is to sit down and talk about them rather than to fight.

If your daughter is having significant problems handling your relationship breakdown, consider finding someone for her to talk to, perhaps a friend of the family or a counsellor. Do keep her school informed of the situation so that her teachers can support her. They will have experience of the potential impact on your daughter and will be able to provide a safe environment for her.

Bereavement

Death is an unavoidable part of life. With death comes loss and grief, anger and disbelief.

Most of us think of bereavement as occurring primarily on the death of a loved one, but there are other kinds of bereavement. These can include difficult situations, such as when parents separate or divorce, when chronic illness becomes a reality in the home, when physical, sexual or emotional abuse is happening to a child, or even when a good friend moves away.

Feelings of bereavement can also happen when seemingly wonderful circumstances cause big changes to children’s lives, such as adoption into a family, the birth of a new sibling, or the arrival of a step-parent.

Be aware that every child will respond to situations of change and loss quite differently. Your daughter may appear to adjust on her own to a significant bereavement such as the loss of a grandparent, or she may be devastated by a seemingly minor loss like the death of a pet.

Although children see loss, death and disaster on television, in films, on the internet and in books and magazines, we tend not to talk to them about the fact of death. Our generation doesn’t ‘do’ death.

The guidance below should help in dealing with bereavement with your daughter. There are some further suggestions for sources of support at the back of this book.

• Never assume that your daughter will react to loss in the same way as you. Don’t think that if she isn’t crying, she isn’t sad. We each have a different way of handling bereavement, and this should be respected. This is particularly important if you are also grieving.

• Don’t feel as though you always need to say something deeply meaningful to her; it’s enough just to be there, simply to listen or to hug her. Laugh with her; give her a chance to rant and rage; sit quietly next to her; let her cry without embarrassment or even cry with her. Ask her what she needs. She will appreciate being asked, even if her response is, ‘I don’t know yet.’ Accept that, and let her know that you’ll still be there when she does.

• Don’t forget to look after yourself while you are looking after your daughter in bereavement, because every carer needs a carer.

• Try to resist saying, ‘I know what you are going through; I understand what you are feeling.’ Although you are trying to sympathise, your daughter is likely to say, ‘No, you don’t understand how I’m feeling. I don’t even understand how I am feeling. And you don’t know what I’m going through.’ And if you get it wrong and say or do something which upsets your daughter, apologise, say sorry and begin again.

A word about pets:

Don’t forget that your daughter’s first brush with deep grief may be the death of a pet. Don’t tell her she can get another kitten, however logical that may seem. Be aware that her bereavement is very similar to the bereavement encountered at the passing of a beloved person.

A word on grieving children attending funerals:

Every family must decide whether to allow a grieving child to attend a funeral. A child may feel real anger if she is prevented from attending a significant funeral ‘for her own good’. Children appreciate ritual; they need a chance to express grief publicly, as well as an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one. Sit down with your child, tell her what happens at a funeral and what she might see and hear at one. Do try, if at all possible, to include your child in the decision-making process of whether or not she should attend.

It is very important to inform your daughter’s school if she suffers any significant loss. Staff will be experienced in supporting grieving children and can offer both of you support and advice. How and what you would like the school to reveal to your daughter’s classmates needs to be carefully considered and will depend on her age.

There is a wealth of material about loss, grief and bereavement in children and young people, including Good Grief: Exploring Feelings, Loss and Death with Under Elevens by Barbara Ward and associates. Other resources on bereavement care can be had by contacting your NHS Trust and specialist groups like Winston’s Wish. Additional useful leaflets and educational documents on childhood bereavement are also available from many local children’s hospices and county bereavement networks.

Bereavement and the role of schools

Every time we hear about the untimely death of a parent or child – for example, the victim of a fatal car accident, a heart attack or the fight lost to a terminal illness – our thoughts are very much with the surviving parent and the children who have lost a mother or father.