Kitabı oku: «Blurred Lines», sayfa 2

She runs down an alley – she’d never dream of taking it at night and even now, with just the weak morning daylight, she holds her breath in her chest and her keys in her hand like a dagger. Once she’s out the other end, she races for the park where round and round and round she will go, pushing herself faster on each lap.

She lets herself have one lap – only one – where she lets Scott fuck her before she cuts his throat.

Then she is so full of shame. It drums in her ears and leaks out of her tear ducts and flecks her mouth with spittle.

She stops running. Finds a tree. Stands with her back to the rough-edged bark and now she cannot stop what she does next. She curls her hand into a fighter’s fist, making sure her thumb stays on the outside of her second and third knuckles, exactly as she was taught. Then, at the thought of Scott’s flashing smile and icy eyes, at the thought of that woman’s hair shining so bright and gold, her arm stretched so long and thin across the rug, her wrist held, she pummels her thigh. Softly at first, like a drum. And soon enough she is thumping her leg, much harder this time, and imagining all her thoughts, all her feelings, being knocked out of her with every beat, like an old-fashioned washer woman pummelling the dirt out of fabric. Nice and clean, washed away and forgotten.

Soon her leg hurts so much she cannot thump it any more. Underneath her jogging bottoms she knows it will be pink where the flesh has been hammered, and that there will be a yellowish tea-wash stain behind that and that soon the pink patch will go purple and black before it too goes yellow tea-wash. She hammers and punches on the same spot because she is trying to stop something but it is a race she is losing and however much she tries to hold it back, she can’t: her mind ribbons out like it is being released into the wind, sharp claws at each ribbon’s end, thoughts and memories all searching for something, a clue and jigsaw piece, something to make her whole again.

Chapter 3

Hounslow, London

13 September 2003

Becky loves Saturdays. No school all day, and then another day just like it to collapse into after this one’s spent.

Today her parents have gone out to the garden centre and left her in peace to enjoy the high-pitched presenters of Saturday morning television as they leap about in front of butter-yellow and sugar-pink backdrops. When Becky is old enough to do this kind of thing, when it is her turn to interview people, it will be in her contract that she gets to choose the colour of the sofa – hot pink to offset her lime-green leggings, thank you! She will ideally graduate quickly from children’s television into a kind of late teatime, primetime Saturday slot just after the family game shows. And as a presenter she will have a habit of asking tough and yet elegantly emotional questions like, ‘But in the last analysis, how does that actually make you feel?’ Perhaps while reaching out a warm hand in genuine concern. It will sort of be her thing, so that after a while her guests expect it and people will talk about how she was the refreshing opposite of all the old men who do their chat shows.

Becky has a box full of diagrams of the set she will inhabit, drawing each one like a bedroom with four walls. It doesn’t occur to her that you need to put the cameras somewhere, so one wall has to be imaginary. She sees no trickery, no special effects. Just a bright, bubblegum reality that is kind enough to welcome her in, whenever she turns on the television.

Charred burgers and relish for lunch today, the classic Saturday meal in the Shawcross household, complete with Dad complaining about broken tongs and Mum saying he should bloody well do something about it then.

Becky goes to the local pool. In the changing room she watches other women’s bodies as they get in or out of their costumes. As she walks to the water, she is a catwalk model with all eyes on her. When she dives down, she is a dolphin or a jet-ski or a shark. When she returns home later that afternoon the house smells of hot dogs and frying onions: the conciliatory dish her mum offers her dad after a hard day’s arguing.

She calls out from the hallway. ‘It stinks in this house. Will someone please open the window? All my clothes are going to smell of gross oil and onions.’ Then she runs up the steps to her bedroom, two at a time, in a bid to rescue her party outfit.

Downstairs her mum begins a fresh diatribe on her favourite subject, which is ‘being blamed for bloody everything in this house’.

Becky stands at the mirror of her wardrobe in her underwear, wanting to look more sophisticated than she does in these baggy pink cotton knickers bought in bulk by her mum every Christmas. She needs to investigate alternative options. She hates the idea of a G-string, the notion that somehow you are a block of cheddar perpetually on the verge of being halved by a cheese wire. And then there’s the sheer hassle she’d get if she actually bought something nice (comfortable cut, bold-coloured lace) and her mother found them in the washing basket. The torrent of questions that would follow! Who was she thinking of impressing with a pair like that? Who the bloody hell did she think she was? Which boy exactly had she impressed so far? And the crowning glory: what precautions was she taking, and did she know that even condoms can’t prevent pubic lice from spreading?

Becky lays her outfit out on the bed and her make-up on her side table, so that everything is ready. She loves decorating herself: all that nipping and tucking and flaring and wedging, like taking a sharpened pencil and rubber to your outline and adjusting it accordingly.

She holds up a fluorescent-pink vest top with a spaghetti strap which, because it was bought at a flea market lacking a changing room, is too big and needs adjusting so the lace trim of her bra is not on display. She wreathes strings of beads and trails fake pearls about her neck until she is satisfied with how good the concentric circles look against a plain pink background. Then she takes her jeans – tight, low-slung, the fashion – and pours herself into them, ramming the zip closed twice before it stays put.

The next bit takes the longest. She outlines and flicks and smudges and colours in cheeks and eyes until she looks a picture: the best, most sophisticated version of herself, she thinks.

Just before she leaves, she stands a few feet away from the threshold of the kitchen rubbing moisturizer into arms that are dry and chlorinated from the pool, watching as her mum lays out a fresh cloth on the table.

Her dad turns to her and laughs, then says, ‘You look like you’ve fallen in the dressing-up box.’

Becky wants to say, Don’t be a dick, but she won’t risk being sent to her room and having her plans cancelled. Instead she settles for a sarcastic smile and a mumbled, ‘You’re not exactly setting Milan on fire with those Union Jack socks.’

They’re not the kind of parents who insist on collecting their child from a party at a set time. They don’t suggest it and Becky doesn’t ask them to. That’s one good thing about them. She’ll be home when she’s home.

Their party plans had nearly been abandoned because of Mary’s summer cold, which Becky would probably have been OK with, if she’s honest. But now that Mary is on the up, the only sign of her ailment a lower-than-usual voice, left gravelly by a week’s coughing, it’s all back on and they’re arm in arm, walking down the road from Mary’s house, with Mary pushing and pushing to see if Becky will do a pill with her tonight.

Mary is Irish and favours wearing pinafore dresses with band T-shirts rumpled up underneath. She is extremely persuasive. Her hair is terracotta red out of a packet which emphasizes the china white of her skin, which in turn emphasizes the rings of dark under her eyes which are there because she has to get up earlier than her body wants to, she says, which is one more crime that the education system has to answer for. Mary feels that the school week compounds the problem of weekends, which should ideally involve missing at least one whole night’s sleep.

‘So? Are you going to do one with me or not?’

Mary believes that, as friends, you go down together and you come up together. If it’s a good pill then you have a fellow traveller for the night, and if it’s a bad pill then you don’t die alone.

Today, Mary is disappointed about an unsupportive government and disappointed with the bags under her eyes, and Becky can’t quite bear to add to the tally, at least not yet, so she says: ‘Yeah, maybe I’ll take a pill. We’ll see. Yeah, go on then.’

Mary whoops because it is only a party when you are guaranteed to have fun and not die alone. Then she takes out two cigarettes, lights them both and hands Becky one as if smoking cigarettes together is the best way of sealing this deal of togetherness.

It is Saturday night and Becky is feeling good. Her skin feels lit with magpie-bright colours and sparkles, and it fits well. At this moment, walking arm in arm with her best friend, everything is as it should be.

Oh, to have a photograph of that moment, the time before the rest of it happened.

To have that to come back to, to tell yourself: you are still in there, that girl with flying hair and a newly lit cigarette and a whole weekend, a whole life, laid out for the taking. She is not lost to you. Imagine yourself back into that skin and feel the closeness of the fit. Persuade yourself.

But you are not watched by anything other than a fat, ginger housecat, which moments after you pass him forgets you for a rat-rustle in the bushes nearby.

Chapter 4

Becky sits at her kitchen table, skull resting in her hands, the sweat of her running kit rapidly cooling. Suddenly she shakes her head from side to side, like she is trying to unblock water from her ear canals.

Her hands shake as she reaches for her cup of sugar-sweetened tea. There are only minutes left before her daughter rises, before she must pack it all away, every messy part of herself, and instead shower and emerge into the office day clean and effective and capable of more than she feels. And in twelve hours she touches down in Cannes and will need to find yet more energy from somewhere to be extraordinary. Impressive. So much better than her ordinary self.

Her phone dings. Siobhan from the office.

Becky has known her for three years now and they have their taller-than-average heights in common, along with a history of photocopying, office organizing, script reading, and attending to the needs and wants of Matthew. All the things Becky is now shedding.

Something’s going down. Advise turning up on time …

Ding

… early. Ideally? M is in a weird mood. Wants to talk to us.

Becky’s body tenses instinctively, her stomach drawing in as if she is about to be punched there.

Immediately, she thinks: I am to blame for seeing something that wasn’t my business. There would be no point in telling herself that blame is an irrational response – what she feels in that moment comes unbidden, from a place that is fossilized in her bones.

I am to blame for entering his space without permission.

All that time spent preparing for Cannes: choosing and rolling and folding and packing things to decorate herself with: the pretty clothes and the jewel-toned make-up and the bangles and necklaces and perfume. The shameful, wasteful vanity of it all. He’ll cancel the trip, and then sack her from her job. All those years she worked, wasted. All the studying and handbook-reading between toddler meals and screaming baby put-me-downs and pick-me-ups. The evening courses and coursework threaded between hastily arranged pieces of childcare. Not to mention the hours spent reading novels, watching television programmes and films, not for pleasure but to educate herself: studying story construction and characters. Feeling surprised and comforted when some characters sunk into her bones, enough to make her laugh and cry and scream with frustration and sometimes, if she was really lucky, to feel their presence for days and months after … What did people call it? Characters that stayed with you, like a good friend, a true friend who holds your hand at a time of need.

One night, after watching a film about a woman who had fought against the odds to find happiness, all this feeling brimmed out of her and onto the page in the form of a well-worded letter addressed to the Soho townhouse offices of the film’s producer, Matthew Kingsman.

I want to work for you more than anything. I too want to bring stories to people that make them feel what you make them feel: less alone.

It had all been so hard-fought. And soon it would all be gone because she had put herself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

She slaps her own wrist. Stupid girl.

‘Hey, Mum.’ Maisie is standing at the doorway to the kitchen in bare feet and white and blue tartan pyjamas – brushed cotton, a Christmas present from Becky – the ropes of her bathrobe hanging down, brushing the floor gently, vines in the wind. ‘Are you all right?’

Becky wipes at her cheeks with flat palms, like she is applying moisturizer. ‘Yes, absolutely fine.’ Reassuring people was something she learnt to do many years ago. One trick amongst many.

Another one: fill a silence with a question of your own.

‘How long did you stay up revising?’

‘I don’t know,’ says Maisie. ‘Late?’

‘It’s important to get some rest as well. You can’t think properly if you’re not getting enough sleep.’

‘You want me to add resting to my already massive timetable?’

Becky smiles. She likes Maisie’s sharp edges. They’ll keep her safe, she hopes. Not an easy walkover, a girl who’ll puncture your feet as you attempt it. ‘What are you working on?’

‘I was doing my physics revision. How long have you been up for?’

‘Do you study the atom bomb?’

‘You mean fission bombs?’

‘I have no idea! If I’d studied them I might be able to answer that …’

‘Anyway, no, we don’t. In our school that’s probably more of an ethics thing than a science thing.’

‘I just always thought it was interesting. A tennis-ball-sized thing flattening a whole city.’

‘Morning, Mum! Can I have some breakfast before we talk about the end of the world?’

Becky smiles and sets about sorting Maisie’s breakfast.

‘I don’t want you to stress about your exams.’

‘Yes you do! I know I need a scholarship to stay at sixth-form and those ten A grades at GCSE aren’t going to magically achieve themselves.’

‘Just don’t let it get on top of you.’

‘I actually slept really well. Did you go to bed? You look rubbish.’

‘Really building my confidence before Cannes.’

‘It’s not like you’re an actress. You don’t have to look sexy for anyone.’

‘True. Well, I’ll cling to that, shall I?’

‘Yep.’

Maisie levels her out. She always has done. There have been times, many of them, that without a child to hold onto she might have fallen off the edge of the world. And here, like a miracle, is a smart-mouthed funny young girl, living under the same roof, loving her more or less unconditionally. Even when she first pushed a pram around the park, round and around, when she thought she could actually feel the gazes land on her soul, heavy with judgement – a feckless teenager with a mewling newborn, a mistake that’ll no doubt be paid for by the state – even then just looking down at her soothed her, pushed her agony to the sides, made space in her for her heart to beat.

Now teenager-mother and baby have morphed to become mother and teenager. And often they are mistaken for sisters – they are almost the same height, have the same long mousy brown hair, the same strong thin nose. Maisie’s eyes are darker and a little larger. Her skin tans in the sun where Becky’s burns. But these are small differences. ‘Cut from the same cloth,’ Maisie’s grandfather is fond of saying. ‘Not much of you in there, Adam, and thank Christ for that!’ Adam, adored by his father all his life, affects outrage before claiming that Maisie has his hairy arms. Becky watches on fondly as they all collapse into more laughter. The joke varies. Sometimes Adam claims she’s going to have his size twelve feet, sometimes it’s his sticky-out ears, but the form is unchanging. Sometimes as the shtick begins Adam meets Becky’s eyes and there is a private understanding before the lines play on. Maisie loves it. Sometimes she prompts it, asking Grandpa T who she looks like, feigning innocence but already grinning in anticipation of which mutant body part Adam will claim for her inheritance.

‘Sorry to have to be away,’ says Becky.

‘No offence, but it’s non-stop pizza when you’re gone so there’s not going to be many tears shed.’

‘I’m going to ask Adam to make a salad.’

‘OK. He can make it and then we’ll both sit there admiring it while we eat our pizzas.’

Becky smiles and her phone dings again. Siobhan:

Scratch that. He is in a really CRAP mood. Something is UP. How long does it take you to pack anyways?

‘Can I go to a sleepover tonight?’

‘Definitely not. It’s a school night.’

‘Mum.’

‘No.’

The silence that falls is plugged with the jet rush of the tap as Becky fills the kettle. She arranges tea bag and mug. Her clothes are stiffening with drying salt.

‘I’ve got to go, Mais,’ Becky says. ‘I only said I’d be half an hour late so I could get myself sorted for this afternoon and so far neither of us has showered or eaten.’

‘How come you get cocktails in the sun with little umbrellas and bits of pineapple and sexy people dressed in Armani and I can’t even go to a boring sleepover?’

‘School night. I admire your tenacity but you’re not going to magically persuade me that Wednesday is followed by Sunday.’ Becky smiles and ruffles her daughter’s hair. ‘Anyway, I thought you were working towards buying those trainers? Put in more revision time instead of going out and you’ll be a step closer to earning them. What are they called again? The Nike neon wattage …’

Maisie rolls her eyes. ‘Volt, Mum. Volt is the colour of the trainer, not its electrical charge.’

‘Great, the point is they’re so painfully hip that everyone will want to be your friend then you’ll never be short of an invitation so why not wait …’

‘Nice try but I’m fine with the invite I’ve got right now. Come on, Mum, please let me go? Only one boy is going to be there. He hardly counts.’

‘Definitely not. And it’s not about boys.’

A lie, but an easy one.

Becky takes some bread out of its cellophane bag and lines up two slices next to each other, all the while surveying the line of texts on her phone screen. Her stomach turns slowly at the slick of butter across the bread and twists in irritation at the congealed and messy blackcurrant jam refusing to spread tidily.

‘Who’s Scott?’

The question freezes Becky. How is it even possible that Maisie is asking it? Her laptop is closed. She’s always careful to log out and delete and tidy it all away. Becky is glad that she is facing away from her daughter. Even with years of practice, in moments like this she can be read.

‘He was an explorer. Died at the South Pole.’

‘Funny. Ish. Seriously, are you thinking about dating this guy?’

‘Which guy?’

When Maisie says his name – his full name – Becky feels like she has been cornered. Nowhere left to run.

‘Where’d you hear his name?’

‘You asked me to fix our rubbish Wi-Fi.’

‘And …?’

‘And so I logged into the router to see if anyone’s squatting on our connection and there wasn’t, but what there is is lots of visits to his Twitter and his Facebook and I was like, that’s a bit obsessive, Mum!’

Becky attempts to look calm. Blithe, she tells herself. Unruffled. Everything has to be weighed now. If Maisie asks Adam about Scott, any lie that she tells now will be easily unknotted. Something close to the truth is required.

‘He’s a guy I knew when I was younger. School days.’

‘He’s a sexy guy you used to know!’

‘Not my type.’

‘Why are you looking at him then?’

‘I was curious. He was one of those kids you wonder where he’ll end up. It’s a big bit of my job, taking real people and then making up endings. Sometimes I’ll think about someone I once knew and decide how their story ended and then look them up just to see if I was right.’

‘Oh my God, that’s so weird.’

‘I’m good at it!’

‘No, you need a better hobby than Facebook-stalking people to see if you’re good at making up stories.’

‘Fine. Get me a basketball for my birthday.’

Maisie looks up. ‘I actually thought for a moment you might be thinking of going on a date. And I was like … good! At last.’

‘I’m not against dating. I’m just really busy.’

‘Yeah, but soon all the women your age …’

‘My age? I’m only thirty-two!’

‘Yes, like I said, soon women your age are going to be getting married and having kids …’

‘Jumped the gun there, did I?’

‘Mum. You need to get in there before all the good ones get taken. Go on a date again.’

Maisie takes the plate of bread from her mum’s hands and kisses her cheek. ‘And don’t mess it all up by saying you’ve got a daughter. I know that’s a buzzkill. Get them hooked first, and then drop the clanger that is me.’

‘Begin with a lot of lying?’

‘That’s how online dating works! A lot of small lies, big exaggerations and some massive omissions, like: I’ve got a teenage daughter.’

‘And when I bring them over?’

‘Say I’m the maid.’

Becky laughs now, right from the gut. It feels like it has set off chemicals through her brain and soul.

‘I’m just saying, you don’t always need to be so honest from, like, the first minute.’

‘Thanks for the advice,’ Becky says. ‘You’re too wise.’

‘So.’ Maisie picks up a slice of bread and for a moment gets distracted by some sticky blackcurrants tumbling off the side. ‘I’ve given you excellent advice, cheered you up … quid pro quo.’

Becky knows exactly what’s coming and she can’t help it but she laughs again – all that confidence and persistence Maisie has. Armour against the bad things that will surely happen to her.

‘So can I go to the sleepover?’

‘Where is it?’ Becky leans against the kitchen cupboard and folds her arms, smiling.

‘Not far. Islington.’

‘Whose house?’

‘Jules’ house. Lily and Eva are going as well.’ Maisie is braiding a long section of hair now, eyes focused on her work and evading her mother’s searching gaze.

‘Is Jules a boy or a girl?’

‘He’s a boy from school.’

‘Is he someone’s boyfriend?’

‘Lily likes him.’

‘And who does Jules like?’

‘Oh my God. This isn’t healthy. You need to be dating.’

‘Don’t avoid the question.’

For a moment Maisie looks like she’s going to sulk like she used to when she was five or six. But perhaps sensing there is a battle still worth winning, she finds a way to let it go.

‘I think he likes me.’

‘And what do you think?’

‘I think Lily’s one of my best friends.’

‘Could be quite a complicated evening.’

‘Not really.’

‘Can we talk about drugs?’

‘I’m not selling you drugs. You have to stop asking me, Mum.’

‘Are you going to do drugs?’

‘Do you mean, when I’m trying to get another scholarship am I going to wreck my cerebellum for the sake of what the kids are calling “a high”?’

It’s not what Becky means. She wants to ask: Will anyone drug you? Will you lose your sense of who you are? What if you’re attacked? Will you be unsafe? Who will prey on you? But instead she says:

‘Yes.’

‘I’ll have some wine and maybe a smoke but that’s it. I’m not really up for getting expelled.’

Maisie’s school is beautiful to look at, expensive to attend, and prides itself on a newly strict drugs policy brought in after a sixth-former got caught dealing coke to fifth years. It is a red-brick and sandstone confection of buildings with soaring arches and narrow windows and turrets curled skyward, like an Oxford college. There are playing fields for rugby and hockey, where a fete is held every summer. Every day there are three hot options for lunch, three cold, plus an extensive salad bar including vegan, dairy-free and gluten-free choices. Maisie is there on a full scholarship and, even so, the annual bill for uniform and extracurricular classes and school trips leaves Becky swearing in disbelief and saying things she never thought would come out of her mouth, like ‘There has to be a cheaper way to play lacrosse.’

Becky always feels the gulf between her and other parents, but Maisie seems not to notice it.

The last time Becky went to a parents’ evening at the school, someone mistook her for a sixth-former and asked her for directions.

Ding, Siobhan: Brace, brace

‘Mum, can I? I’ll have my own room. Jules is going to sleep in a different room.’

‘I don’t care whether he sleeps in Glasgow.’

‘His parents will be there. You can call his mum if you want to discuss my revision schedule with her.’ The veer into acid sarcasm. The assumption of disappointment. ‘Mum, come on, I’ll be the odd one out if I have to say my mummy won’t let me go.’

Siobhan, ding. Where are you? Seriously, BRACE.

‘Oh for fuck sake, Siobhan, I’m coming,’ Becky shouts at her phone.

Maisie is startled.

‘I have to shower,’ says Becky to Maisie. ‘I’ll talk to Adam about the sleepover.’

She wants to be bold and brave, a pirate queen of a mother who encourages her daughter to take risks and trust her friends and strike out for the horizon set on gathering experiences. But every map marks monsters where the known lands end, and how can Becky be there to unwrap every tentacle, to declaw and defang, to empty the new world of snakes and sharks so that her daughter can wander through it, imagining her own courage, but never having to test it?