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SCENE VII. —Plain. – GRIZZLE, FOODLE, Rebels
Griz. Thus far our arms with victory are crown'd; For, though we have not fought, yet we have found [1] No enemy to fight withal.
[Footnote 1: A victory like that of Almanzor: Almanzor is victorious without fight. —Conq. of Granada. ]
Food. Yet I, Methinks, would willingly avoid this day, [1] This first of April, to engage our foes.
[Footnote 1: Well have we chose an happy day for fight;
For every man, in course of time, has found
Some days are lucky, some unfortunate. —King Arthur.
]
Griz. This day, of all the days of th' year, I'd choose, For on this day my grandmother was born. Gods! I will make Tom Thumb an April-fool; [1] Will teach his wit an errand it ne'er knew, And send it post to the Elysian shades.
[Footnote 1: We read of such another in Lee:
Teach his rude wit a flight she never made,
And send her post to the Elysian shade. —Gloriana.
]
Food. I'm glad to find our army is so stout, Nor does it move my wonder less than joy.
Griz. [1] What friends we have, and how we came so strong, I'll softly tell you as we march along.
[Footnote 1: These lines are copied verbatim in the Indian Emperor.]
SCENE VIII. —Thunder and Lightning. – TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, cum suis
Thumb. Oh, Noodle! hast thou seen a day like this? [1] The unborn thunder rumbles o'er our heads, [2] As if the gods meant to unhinge the world, And heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl; Yet will I boldly tread the tott'ring ball.
[Footnote 1: Unborn thunder rolling in a cloud. —Conq. of Granada. ]
[Footnote 2:
Were heaven and earth in wild confusion hurl'd, Should the rash gods unhinge the rolling world, Undaunted would I tread the tott'ring ball, Crush'd, but unconquer'd, in the dreadful fall. —Female Warrior. ]
Merl. Tom Thumb!
Thumb. What voice is this I hear?
Merl. Tom Thumb!
Thumb. Again it calls.
Merl. Tom Thumb!
Glum. It calls again.
Thumb. Appear, whoe'er thou art; I fear thee not.
Merl. Thou hast no cause to fear – I am thy friend, Merlin by name, a conjuror by trade, And to my art thou dost thy being owe.
Thumb. How!
Merl. Hear, then, the mystick getting of Tom Thumb.
[1] His father was a ploughman plain,
His mother milk'd the cow;
And yet the way to get a son
This couple knew not how,
Until such time the good old man
To learned Merlin goes,
And there to him, in great distress,
In secret manner shows
How in his heart he wish'd to have
A child, in time to come,
To be his heir, though it may be
No bigger than his thumb:
Of which old Merlin was foretold
That he his wish should have;
And so a son of stature small
The charmer to him gave.
Thou'st heard the past – look up and see the future.
[Footnote 1: See the History of Tom Thumb, page 2.]
Thumb. [1] Lost in amazement's gulf, my senses sink; See there, Glumdalca, see another [2] me!
[Footnote 1:
Amazement swallows up my sense,
And in the impetuous whirl of circling fate
Drinks down my reason. —Persian Princess.
]
[Footnote 2:
I have outfaced myself.
What! am I two? Is there another me? —King Arthur.
]
Glum. Oh, sight of horror! see, you are devour'd By the expanded jaws of a red cow.
Merl. Let not these sights deter thy noble mind, [1] For, lo! a sight more glorious courts thy eyes. See from afar a theatre arise; There ages, yet unborn, shall tribute pay To the heroick actions of this day; Then buskin tragedy at length shall chuse Thy name the best supporter of her muse.
[Footnote 1: The character of Merlin is wonderful throughout; but most so in this prophetick part. We find several of these prophecies in the tragick authors, who frequently take this opportunity to pay a compliment to their country, and sometimes to their prince. None but our author (who seems to have detested the least appearance of flattery) would have past by such an opportunity of being a political prophet.]
Thumb. Enough: let every warlike musick sound, We fall contented, if we fall renown'd.
SCENE IX. – LORD GRIZZLE, FOODLE, Rebels, on one side; TOM THUMB, GLUMDALCA, on the other
Food. At length the enemy advances nigh, [1] I hear them with my ear, and see them with my eye.
[Footnote 1:
I saw the villain, Myron; with these eyes I saw him.
– Busiris.
In both which places it is intimated that it is sometimes possible to see with other eyes than your own. ]
Griz. Draw all your swords: for liberty we fight, [1] And liberty the mustard is of life.
[Footnote 1: "This mustard," says Mr D., "is enough to turn one's stomach. I would be glad to know what idea the author had in his head when he wrote it." This will be, I believe, best explained by a line of Mr Dennis:
And gave him liberty, the salt of life. —Liberty Asserted.
The understanding that can digest the one will not rise at the other.]
Thumb. Are you the man whom men famed Grizzle name?
Griz. [1] Are you the much more famed Tom Thumb?
[Footnote 1:
Han. Are you the chief whom men famed Scipio call?
Scip. Are you the much more famous Hannibal?
– Hannibal.
]
Thumb. The same.
Griz. Come on; our worth upon ourselves we'll prove; For liberty I fight.
Thumb. And I for love.
[A bloody engagement between the two armies here; drums beating, trumpets sounding, thunder and lightning. They fight off and on several times. Some fall. GRIZ. and GLUM. remain.
Glum. Turn, coward, turn; nor from a woman fly.
Griz. Away – thou art too ignoble for my arm.
Glum. Have at thy heart.
Griz. Nay, then I thrust at thine.
Glum. You push too well; you've run me through the guts, And I am dead.
Griz. Then there's an end of one.
Thumb_. When thou art dead, then there's an end of two, [1] Villain.
[Footnote 1: Dr. Young seems to have copied this engagement in his
Busiris:
Myr. Villain! Mem. Myron! Myr. Rebel! Mem. Myron! Myr. Hell! Mem. Mandane! ]
Griz. Tom Thumb!
Thumb. Rebel!
Griz. Tom Thumb!
Thumb. Hell!
Griz. Huncamunca!
Thumb. Thou hast it there.
Griz. Too sure I feel it.
Thumb. To hell then, like a rebel as you are, And give my service to the rebels there.
Griz. Triumph not, Thumb, nor think thou shalt enjoy, Thy Huncamunca undisturb'd; I'll send [1] My ghost to fetch her to the other world; [2] It shall but bait at heaven, and then return. [3] But, ha! I feel death rumbling in my brains: [4] Some kinder sprite knocks softly at my soul, And gently whispers it to haste away. I come, I come, most willingly I come. [5] So when some city wife, for country air, To Hampstead or to Highgate does repair, Her to make haste her husband does implore, And cries, "My dear, the coach is at the door: " With equal wish, desirous to be gone, She gets into the coach, and then she cries – "Drive on!"
[Footnote 1: This last speech of my lord Grizzle hath been of great service to our poets:
I'll hold it fast As life, and when life's gone I'll hold this last; And if thou tak'st it from me when I'm slain, I'll send my ghost, and fetch it back again. —Conquest of Granada. ]
[Footnote 2: My soul should with such speed obey,
It should not bait at heaven to stop its way.
Lee seems to have had this last in his eye:
'Twas not my purpose, sir, to tarry there; I would but go to heaven to take the air. —Gloriana. ]
[Footnote 3: A rising vapour rumbling in my brains. —Cleomenes. ]
[Footnote 4:
Some kind sprite knocks softly at my soul,
To tell me fate's at hand.
]
[Footnote 5: Mr Dryden seems to have had this simile in his eye, when he says,
My soul is packing up, and just on wing. —Conquest of Granada. ]
Thumb. With those last words [1] he vomited his soul,
Which, [2] like whipt cream, the devil will swallow down.
Bear off the body, and cut off the head,
Which I will to the king in triumph lug.
Rebellion's dead, and now I'll go to breakfast.
[Footnote 1: And in a purple vomit pour'd his soul —Cleomenes. ]
[Footnote 2: The devil swallows vulgar souls Like whipt cream. —Sebastian. ]
SCENE X. – KING, QUEEN, HUNCAMUNCA, Courtiers
King. Open the prisons, set the wretched free,
And bid our treasurer disburse six pounds
To pay their debts. – Let no one weep to-day.
Come, Dollallolla; [1] curse that odious name!
It is so long, it asks an hour to speak it.
By heavens! I'll change it into Doll, or Loll,
Or any other civil monosyllable,
That will not tire my tongue. – Come, sit thee down.
Here seated let us view the dancers' sports;
Bid 'em advance. This is the wedding-day
Of Princess Huncamunca and Tom Thumb;
Tom Thumb! who wins two victories [2] to-day,
And this way marches, bearing Grizzle's head.
[A dance here.
[Footnote 1:
How I could curs my name of Ptolemy!
It is so long, it asks an hour to write it,
By Heaven! I'll change it into Jove or Mars!
Or any other civil monosyllable,
That will not tire my hand.
– Cleomenes.
]
[Footnote 2: Here is a visible conjunction of two days in one, by which our author may have either intended an emblem of a wedding, or to insinuate that men in the honey-moon are apt to imagine time shorter than it is. It brings into my mind a passage in the comedy called the Coffee-House Politician: We will celebrate this day at my house to-morrow. ]
[Illustration: The Death of Lord Grizzle.]
Nood. Oh! monstrous, dreadful, terrible, oh! oh! Deaf be my ears, for ever blind my eyes! Dumb be my tongue! feet lame! all senses lost! [1] Howl wolves, grunt bears, hiss snakes, shriek all ye 'ghosts!
[Footnote 1: These beautiful phrases are all to be found in one single speech of King Arthur, or the British Worthy.]
King. What does the blockhead mean?
Nood. I mean, my liege,
[1] Only to grace my tale with decent horror.
Whilst from my garret, twice two stories high,
I look'd abroad into the streets below,
I saw Tom Thumb attended by the mob;
Twice twenty shoe-boys, twice two dozen links,
Chairmen and porters, hackney-coachmen, whores;
Aloft he bore the grizly head of Grizzle;
When of a sudden through the streets there came
A cow, of larger than the usual size,
And in a moment – guess, oh! guess the rest! —
And in a moment swallow'd up Tom Thumb.
[Footnote 1:
I was but teaching him to grace his tale
With decent horror. —Cleomenes.
]
King. Shut up again the prisons, bid my treasurer
Not give three farthings out-hang all the culprits,
Guilty or not – no matter. – Ravish virgins:
Go bid the schoolmasters whip all their boys!
Let lawyers, parsons, and physicians loose,
To rob, impose on, and to kill the world.
Nood. Her majesty the queen is in a swoon.
Queen. Not so much in a swoon but I have still Strength to reward the messenger of ill news.
[Kills NOODLE.
Nood. O! I am slain.
Cle. My lover's kill'd, I will revenge him so. [Kills the QUEEN.
Hunc. My mamma kill'd! vile murderess, beware.
[Kills CLEORA.
Dood. This for an old grudge to thy heart. [Kills HUNCAMUNCA.
Must. And this I drive to thine, O Doodle! for a new one. [Kills DOODLE.
King. Ha! murderess vile, take that. [Kills MUST.
[1] And take thou this. [Kills himself, and falls.
So when the child, whom nurse from danger guards,
Sends Jack for mustard with a pack of cards,
Kings, queens, and knaves, throw one another down,
Till the whole pack lies scatter'd and o'erthrown;
So all our pack upon the floor is cast,
And all I boast is – that I fall the last. [Dies.
[Footnote 1: We may say with Dryden,
Death did at length so many slain forget,
And left the tale, and took them by the great.
I know of no tragedy which comes nearer to this charming and bloody catastrophe than Cleomenes, where the curtain covers five principal characters dead on the stage. These lines too —
I ask no questions then, of who kill'd who?
The bodies tell the story as they lie —
seem to have belonged more properly to this scene of our author; nor can I help imagining they were originally his, The Rival Ladies, too, seem beholden to this scene:
We're now a chain of lovers link'd in death;
Julia goes first, Gonsalvo hangs on her,
And Angelina hangs upon Gonsalvo,
As I on Angelina.
No scene, I believe, ever received greater honours than this. It was applauded by several encores, a word very unusual in tragedy. And it was very difficult for the actors to escape without a second slaughter. This I take to be a lively assurance of that fierce spirit of liberty which remains among us, and which Mr Dryden, in his essay on Dramatick Poetry, hath observed: "Whether custom," says he, "hath so insinuated itself into our countrymen, or nature hath so formed them to fierceness, I know not; but they will scarcely suffer combats and other objects of horror to be taken from them." And indeed I am for having them encouraged in this martial disposition; nor do I believe our victories over the French have been owing to anything more than to those bloody spectacles daily exhibited in our tragedies, of which the French stage is so intirely clear. ]
* * * * *
PASQUIN;
A DRAMATICK SATIRE ON THE TIMES
BEING THE REHEARSAL OF TWO PLAYS: VIZ.,
A COMEDY CALLED
THE ELECTION,
AND A TRAGEDY CALLED
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF COMMON SENSE.
FIRST ACTED IN APRIL 1736.
DRAMATIS PERSONAe
Trapwit, Author… Mr ROBERTS, Fustian, Author… Mr LACY. Sneerwell (a critick)… Mr MACHEN.
Several Players and Prompter.
PERSONS IN THE COMEDY
Lord Place, Candidate… Mrs CHARKE, Colonel Promise, Candidate. Mr FREEMAN, Sir Henry Fox-Chace, Candidate. Mr TOPHAM, Squire Tankard, Candidate.. Mr SMITH, Mayor… Mr JONES. Aldermen, Voters, &c. Mrs Mayoress… Mrs EGERTON. Miss Mayoress… Miss J. JONES. Miss Stitch… Miss BURGESS. Servants, Mob, &c.
PERSONS IN THE TRAGEDY
Queen Common-Sense… Mrs EGERTON. Queen Ignorance… Mr STRENSHAM. Firebrand (Priest of the Sun). Mr ROBERTS. Law… Mr YATES. Physick… Mr JONES. Ghost of Tragedy… Mr PULLEN. Ghost of Comedy… Mr JONES. Third Ghost… Mr WALLIS. Harlequin… Mr PULLEN. Officer… Mr PULLEN. Messenger… Mr WALLIS. Drummer… Mr LOWDER. Attendants on Ignorance, Maids of Honour, &c.
SCENE, the Play-House
ACT I
SCENE I. —Enter several Players
1 Play. When does the rehearsal begin?
2 Play. I suppose we shall hardly rehearse the comedy this morning, for the author was arrested as he was going home from King's coffee-house; and, as I heard it was for upward of four pound, I suppose he will hardly get bail.
1 Play. Where's the tragedy-author then? I have a long part in both, and it's past ten o'clock.
Wom. P. Ay, I have a part in both too; I wish any one else had them, for they are not seven lengths put together. I think it is very hard a woman of my standing should have a short part put upon her. I suppose Mrs Merit will have all our principal parts now, but I am resolved I'll advertise against her. I'll let the town know how I am injured.
1 Play. Oh! here comes our tragedy-poet.
Enter FUSTIAN.
Fust. Gentlemen, your servant; ladies, yours. I should have been here sooner, but I have been obliged, at their own requests, to wait upon some half-dozen persons of the first quality with tickets: upon my soul 1 have been chid for putting off my play so long. I hope you are all quite perfect, for the town will positively stay for it no longer. I think I may very well put upon the bills, At the particular desire of several ladles of quality, the first night.
Enter Prompter.
Promp. Mr Fustian, we must defer the rehearsal of your tragedy, for the gentleman who plays the first ghost is not yet up; and when he is, he has got such a churchyard-cough he will not be heard to the middle of the pit.
1 Play. I wish you could cut the ghost out, sir, for I am terribly afraid he'll be damned if you don't.
Fust. Cut him out, sir? He is one of the most considerable persons in the play.
Promp. Then, sir, you must give the part to somebody else; for the present is so lame he can hardly walk the stage.
Fust. Then he shall be carried, for no man in England can act a ghost like him. Sir, he was born a ghost – he was made for the part – and the part writ for him.
Promp. Well, sir, then we hope you will give us leave to rehearse the comedy first.
Fust. Ay, ay, you may rehearse it first, if you please, and act it first too. If it keeps mine back above three nights, I am mistaken. I don't know what friends the author may have; but if ever such stuff, such damned, incoherent, senseless stuff, was ever brought on any stage – if the audience suffer it to go through three acts – Oh! he's here.
Enter TRAPWIT.
Dear Mr Trapwit! your most humble servant, sir; I read your comedy over last night, and a most excellent one it is: if it runs as long as it deserves you will engross the whole season to yourself.
Trap. Sir, I am glad it met with your approbation, as there is no man whose taste and judgment I have a better opinion of. But pray, sir, why don't they proceed to the rehearsal of your tragedy? I assure you, sir, I had much difficulty to get hither so early.
2 Play. Yes, faith, I believe you had. [Aside.
Fust. Sir, your comedy is to be rehearsed first.
Trap. Excuse me, sir, I know the deference due to tragedy better.
Fust. Sir, I would not have you think I give up the cause of tragedy; but my ghost, being ill, sir, cannot get up without danger, and I would not risque the life of my ghost on any account.
Trap. You are in the right on't, sir; for a ghost is the soul of tragedy.
Fust. Ay, sir, I think it is not amiss to remind people of those things which they are now-a-days too apt to disbelieve; besides, we have lately had an act against witches, and I don't question but shortly we shall have one against ghosts. But come, Mr Trapwit, as we are for this once to give the precedence to comedy, e'en let us begin.
Trap. Ay, ay, with all my heart. Come, come, where's the gentleman who speaks the prologue? This prologue, Mr Fustian, was given me by a friend, who does not care to own it till he tries whether it succeeds or no.
Enter Player for the Prologue.
Come, sir, make a very low bow to the audience; and shew as much concern as possible in your looks.
PROLOGUE
As crafty lawyers, to acquire applause,
Try various arts to get a doubtful cause;
Or, as a dancing master in a jigg,
With various steps instructs the dancing prig;
Or as a doctor writes you different bills;
Or as a quack prescribes you different pills;
Or as a fiddler plays more tunes than one;
Or as a baker bakes more bread than brown;
Or as a tumbler tumbles up and down;
So does our author, rummaging his brain,
By various methods try to entertain;
Brings a strange groupe of characters before you,
And shews you here at once both Whig and Tory;
Or court and country party you may call 'em:
But without fear and favour he will maul 'em.
To you, then, mighty sages of the pit —
Trap. Oh! dear sir, seem a little more affected, I beseech you; advance to the front of the stage, make a low bow, lay your hand upon your heart, fetch a deep sigh, and pull out your handkerchief: To you, then, mighty sages of the pit —
Prol. To you, then, mighty sages of the pit,
Our author humbly does his cause submit.
He trys to please – oh! take it not amiss:
And though it should be dull, oh! do not hiss;
Laugh, if you can – if you cannot laugh, weep:
When you can wake no longer – fall asleep.
Trap. Very well! very well, sir! You have affected me, I am sure.
Fust. And so he will the audience, I'll answer for them.
Trap. Oh, sir, you're too good-natured; but, sir, I do assure you I had writ a much better prologue of my own; but, as this came gratis, have reserved it for my next play – a prologue saved is a prologue got, brother Fustian. But come, where are your actors? Is Mr Mayor and the Aldermen at the table?
Promp. Yes, sir; but they want wine, and we can get none from the quaker's cellar without ready money.
Trap. Rat him! can't he trust till the third night? Here, take sixpence, and fetch two pots of porter, put it into bottles, and it will do for wine well enough.
Fust. Ay, faith, and the wine will be as good as the wit, I'll answer for it. [Aside.
Trap. Mr Fustian, you'll observe I do not begin this play, like most of our modern comedies, with three or four gentlemen who are brought on only to talk wit; for, to tell you the truth, sir, I have very little, if any, wit in this play. No, sir, this is a play consisting of humour, nature, and simplicity. It is written, sir, in the exact and true spirit of Moliere: and this I will say for it, that, except about a dozen, or a score or so, there is not one impure joke in it. But come, clear the stage, and draw the back scene! Mr Fustian, if you please to sit down by me.
[Mayor and Aldermen discovered.
Fust. Pray, sir, who are these characters?
Trap. Sir, they are Mr Mayor of the town and his brethren, consulting about the election.
Fust. Are they all of a side, sir?
Trap. Yes, sir, as yet; for you must know, sir, that all the men in this borough are very sensible people, and have no party principles for which they cannot give a good reason; Mr Mayor, you begin the play.
May. Gentlemen, I have summoned you together to consider of proper representatives for this borough: you know the candidates on the court side are my lord Place and colonel Promise; the country candidates are Sir Henry Fox-chace and squire Tankard; all worthy gentlemen, and I wish with all my heart we could chuse them all four.
1 Ald. But since we cannot, Mr Mayor, I think we should stand by our neighbours; gentlemen whose honesty we are witnesses of, and whose estates in our own neighbourhood render 'em not liable to be bribed.
Fust. This gentleman, Mr Trapwit, does not seem so unbiassed in his principles as you represented him.
Trap. Pugh, sir! you must have one fool in a play; beside, I only writ him to set off the rest.
May. Mr Alderman, you have a narrow way of thinking; honesty is not confined to a country; a man that lives a hundred miles off may be as honest as him who lives but three.
Ald. Ay, ay, ay, ay. [Shaking their heads.
May. Besides, gentlemen, are we not more obliged to a foreigner for the favours he does us than to one of our own neighbours who has obligations to us? I believe, gentlemen, there is not one of us who does not eat and drink with Sir Harry at least twenty times in a twelvemonth; now, for my part, I never saw or heard of either my lord or the colonel till within this fortnight; and yet they are as obliging, and civil and familiar, as if we had been born and bred together.
1 Ald. Nay, they are very civil, well-bred men, that is the truth on't; but won't they bring a standing army upon us?
May. Mr Alderman, you are deceived; the country party will bring a standing army upon us; whereas, if we chuse my lord and the colonel, we shan't have a soldier in town. But, mum! here are my lord and the colonel.
Enter Lord PLACE and Col. PROMISE.
Place. Gentlemen, your most humble servant; I have brought the colonel to take a morning's whet with you.
May. Your lordship and the colonel do us great honour; pray, my lord, be pleased to sit down; pray, colonel, be pleased to sit. More wine here.
Fust. I wish, Mr Trapwit, your actors don't get drunk in the first act.
Trap. Dear sir, don't interrupt the rehearsal.
Place. Gentlemen, prosperity to the corporation!
Fust. Sir, I am a well-wisher to the corporation, and, if you please, will pledge his lordship: – success to your comedy, Mr Trapwit. [Drinks.
Trap. Give me a glass – sir, here's to your tragedy. Now, pray, no more interruption; for this scene is one continual joke, and if you open your lips in it you will break the thread of the jest.
May. My lord, we are sensible of your great power to serve this corporation, and we do not doubt but we shall feel the effect on't.
Place. Gentlemen, you may depend on me; I shall do all in my power. I shall do you some services which are not proper at present to mention to you; in the meantime, Mr Mayor, give me leave to squeeze you by the hand, in assurance of my sincerity.
Trap. You, Mr, that act my lord, bribe a little more openly, if you please, or the audience will lose that joke, and it is one of the strongest in my whole play.
Place. Sir, I cannot possibly do it better at the table.
Trap. Then get all up, and come forward to the front of the stage. Now, you gentlemen that act the mayor and aldermen, range yourselves in a line; and you, my lord and the colonel, come to one end and bribe away with right and left.
Fust. Is this wit, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. Yes, sir, it is wit; and such wit as will run all over the kingdom.
Fust. But, methinks, colonel Promise, as you call him, is but ill-named; for he is a man of very few words.
Trap. You'll be of another opinion before the play is over; at present his hands are too full of business; and you may remember, sir, I before told you this is none of your plays wherein much is said and nothing done. Gentlemen, are you all bribed?
Omnes. Yes, sir.
Trap. Then, my lord and the colonel, you must go off, and make room for the other candidates to come on and bribe too. [Exeunt PLACE and PROMISE.
Fust. Is there nothing but bribery in this play of yours, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. Sir, this play is an exact representation of nature; I hope the audience will date the time of action before the bill of bribery and corruption took place; and then I believe it may go down; but now, Mr Fustian, I shall shew you the art of a writer, which is, to diversify his matter, and do the same thing several ways. You must know, sir, I distinguish bribery into two kinds, the direct and the indirect: the first you have seen already; and now, sir, I shall give you a small specimen of the other. Prompter, call Sir Harry and the squire. But, gentlemen, what are you doing? How often shall I tell you that the moment the candidates are gone out you are to retire to the table, and drink and look wise; you, Mr Mayor, ought to look very wise.
Fust. You'll take care he shall talk foolish enough, I'll warrant you. [Aside.
May. Come, here's a round to my lord and the colonel's health; a Place and a Promise, I say; they may talk of the pride of courtiers, but I am sure I never had a civiller squeeze by the hand in my life.
Trap. Ay, you have squeezed that out pretty well: but shew the gold at these words, sir, if you please.
May. I have none.
Trap. Pray, Mr Prompter, take care to get some counters against it is acted.
Fust. Ha, ha, ha! upon my word the courtiers have topt their part; the actor has outdone the author; this bribing with an empty hand is quite in the character of a courtier.
Trap. Come, enter Sir Harry and the squire. Where are they?
I Play. Sir, Mr Soundwell has been regularly summoned, but he has refused to act the part.
Trap. Has he been writ to?
I Play. Yes, sir, and here's his answer.
Trap. Let both the letters be produced before the audience. Pray, Mr Prompter, who shall we have to act the part?
I Play. Sir, I like the part so well that I have studied it in the hope of some time playing it.
Trap. You are an exceeding pretty young fellow, and I am very glad of the exchange.
Sir H. Halloo, hark forwards: hark, honest Ned, good-morrow to you; how dost, Master Mayor? What, you are driving it about merrily this morning? Come, come, sit down; the squire and I will take a pot with you. Come, Mr Mayor, here's – liberty and property and no excise.
May. Sir Harry, your health.
Sir H. What, won't you pledge me? Won't you drink no excise?
May. I don't love party healths, Sir Harry.
All Ald. No, no; no party healths, no party healths.
Sir H. Say ye so, gentlemen? I begin to smoke you; your pulses have been felt, I perceive: and will you be bribed to sell your country? Where do you think these courtiers get the money they bribe you with, but from yourselves? Do you think a man who will give a bribe won't take one? If you would be served faithfully, you must choose faithfully, and give your vote on no consideration but merit; for my part, I would as soon suborn an evidence at an assize as a vote at an election.
May. I do believe you, Sir Harry.
Sir H. Mr Mayor, I hope you received those three bucks I sent you, and that they were good.
May. Sir Harry, I thank you for them; but 'tis so long since I eat them that I have forgot the taste.
Sir H. We'll try to revive it – I'll order you three more to-morrow morning.
May. You will surfeit us with venison: you will indeed; for it is a dry meat, Sir Harry, a very dry meat.
Sir H. We'll find a way to moisten it, I'll warrant you, if there be any wine in town. Mr Alderman Stitch, your bill is too reasonable; you certainly must lose by it: send me in half a dozen more greatcoats, pray; my servants are the dirtiest dogs! Mr Damask, I believe you are afraid to trust me, by those few yards of silk you sent my wife; she likes the pattern so extremely she is resolved to hang her rooms with it; pray let me have a hundred yards of it; I shall want more of you. Mr Timber, and you, Mr Iron, I shall get into your books too.
Fust. Would not that getting into books have been more in the character of the courtier, Mr Trapwit?
Trap. Go on, go on, sir.
Sir H. That gentleman interrupts one so. – Oh, now I remember – Mr Timber, and you Mr Iron, I shall get into your books too; though if I do, I assure you I won't continue in them long.
Trap. Now, sir, would it have been more in the character of a courtier? But you are like all our modern criticks, who damn a man before they have heard a man out; when, if they would but stay till the joke came —
Fust. They would stay to hear your last words, I believe. [Aside.
Sir H. For you must know, gentlemen, that I intend to pull down my old house, and build a new one.
Trap. Pray, gentlemen, observe all to start at the word house. Sir Harry, that last speech again, pray.
Sir H. For you, &c. – Mr Mayor, I must have all my bricks of you.
May. And do you intend to rebuild your house, Sir Harry?
Sir H. Positively.
May. Gentlemen, methinks Sir Harry's toast stands still; will nobody drink liberty and property, and no excise? [They all drink and huzza.
Sir H. Give me thy hand, mayor; I hate bribery and corruption: if this corporation will not suffer itself to be bribed, there shall not be a poor man in it.
May. And he that will, deserves to be poor; for my part, the world should not bribe me to vote against my conscience.
Trap. Do you take that joke, sir?
Fust. No, faith, sir.
Trap. Why, how can a man vote against his conscience who has no conscience at all?
1 Ald. Come, gentlemen, here's a Fox-chace and a Tankard!
Omnes. A Fox-chace and a Tankard! huzza!
Sir H. Come, let's have one turn in the marketplace, and then we'll to dinner.
