Kitabı oku: «The chance to start a new life. How to make a conscious choice», sayfa 2

Chapter 3. Feeling of emptiness in life

“When you walk, don’t walk mechanically, don’t keep watching it – be it. When you dance, don’t do it technically; technique is irrelevant. You can dance technically correctly but miss all the joy of dancing. Dissolve yourself in the dance, become a dance, forget about the dancer.”

Osho

This chapter is primarily for those who, after reading a few statements, will find themselves. But even if this does not happen, I still advise you to read it, since each new line will give answers to various questions and in general will help you realize yourself, in particular, those aspects that you have so carefully hidden from yourself for many years. But at this stage you will have to face these possibly unpleasant aspects and go deeper into your fears. If at least one or more statements seem true to you, if from time to time there is a feeling that in this life you are like an uninvited guest at someone else’s holiday, if you feel that you do not live, but just sit on the edge of the bench and do not feel like a full participant in this life, do not accept your full right to live, enjoy the benefits of this life, be yourself and do what you want, this chapter is for you, and it will help you a lot to stop living on an emotional swing that constantly throws you to the right, then to the left. What does it mean? This means that your self-awareness, your self-esteem, your attitude towards yourself, self-love is very much dependent on the opinions and assessments of others, and how you accept yourself depends on how you are treated, and sometimes even a disapproving look is enough, to make you lose your confidence. If all this is about you, sit back and dive into this chapter. If you are often offended, do not know how to stand up for yourself, if you have difficulty in calmly and intelligibly conveying to another person that you have been treated unfairly, and instead of defending your rights with confidence, a bunch of uncontrollable emotions appear – this chapter is for you. And also for those who would like to reveal their full potential, and especially the potential of communication, that is, learn to communicate with ease, with dignity and be able to be themselves, without adjusting to anyone.

In this chapter, as you may have already realized, we will talk about emotional awareness. How can you learn to control your emotions? How to learn not to be offended, how to learn to take responsibility for yourself, for your thoughts and for your feelings? This topic is incredibly necessary, interesting, and unfortunately, poorly covered, very few authors touch on it. The fact is that emotional conscious maturity brings a person to a completely new level of life, a qualitatively new level of life. What is emotional maturity, and is it an innate concept. No, it is not innate. Emotional maturity is something that a person develops in themselves throughout their life. Unfortunately, practice shows that very few people go through this process of emotional maturation at all. A person is born, goes through the adolescence, goes through the youth, maturity, old age, and even dies without having matured emotionally. That is, emotionally remaining in the state of a child, although in their understanding everything is alright with them.

And as I mentioned earlier, these emotional negative programs of ours are based on a variety of emotions – the state of the demanding, the state of the needy, and even chronic impotence. An emotionally adult or emotionally mature person is not a bore who knows everything, and already knows everything in advance, and nothing worries them. No, an emotionally mature person is an individual who has taken responsibility for their emotional state and who can consciously stop the flow of negative thoughts at some point, directing them in the right direction by saying to themselves – “What more resource can I think about or what action plan to develop, to reach your goal.” This is a person who is aware of the responsibility for their emotional state. Only for their own and for no one else’s. An emotionally mature people do not blame anyone, and most importantly, does not condemn themselves. They understand that any situation in life is also their responsibility, and if such people have a moment in life that does not suit them, then they do one of two things. They either change the circumstances, or make a conscious decision to get out of them, or revise their attitude, abandoning their expectations. In fact, this is a very mature act – consciously, not just lowering the bar, but consciously changing your expectations, your attitude to the situation. At first, this is difficult to do, but in the future, everything will go smoothly, and you will be satisfied with your new perception.

Why do some people, or rather most people, never grow up? Well, in short, the following happens: when a child grows up, it is severely deprived of the right to have their own opinion, to be independent. Overly caring mothers, controlling mothers or authoritarian parents do not contribute to the development and formation, but only hinder the maturity of a person. And often you can see that, already being an adult, they still remain a child in their relationship with parents, everything is the same as in childhood, they are afraid of them, and some even continue to financially depend on their parents. Or the same thing happens in a personal relationship with a partner. This is also a very obvious sign that a person is absolutely immature emotionally. Even when a person enters the so-called adult life, this does not mean at all that emotional maturity will come to them over the years. A person gets a job and continues to play the unconscious role of a child in conjunction with their employer, with their superiors. And you will be surprised how many even elderly people are around who have not known and have not realized what emotional maturity is all their lives.

Emotional maturity is one of the base plates in the foundation of a successful fulfilling life, moreover, it is one of the main keys to fulfilling relationships, it is the key to financial independence, the key to being able to create your own business, to be in the public eye, to be able to stand up for your point of view and interests. Signs of an immature person are, first of all, chronic resentment. That is, overly touchy and oversensitive people who are often offended, become isolated – these are emotionally immature people. The next is people who are afraid to stand up for themselves and again use offense instead of defending their rights. That is, they are afraid and in the state of a child, but they are in no way aware of this, and if a person does not know and does not study themselves, and you tell them about it directly, they can throw stones at you. And instead of adequately clarifying the situation, such people will most likely either become isolated, offended, will be very upset, reproach themselves inside, or, conversely, their reaction becomes overly emotional, aggression and rage, which spills out because emotionally immature people, like children, are afraid to show their anger. They are afraid that they will be punished for this. Otherwise, it is difficult for them to express their emotions and their thoughts. However, I repeat, this is just a starting point. This can be changed and if this is your problem, and if this is your case, then this chapter will be very useful for you. Another feature of emotionally immature people is shifting responsibility to others, such people look for the guilty, look for excuses and do not miss the opportunity to blame someone for their failures. And at the same time, these people very rarely radically change something themselves. Usually, they wait for the situation to resolve itself, and the course of life will simply take them somewhere without taking any measures. Another distinguishing feature is emotional greed, which I will refer to in later chapters. This is a feature of the child, because the child, in fact, is the recipient who receives attention, care, and if this does not happen, it is offended, pouts, cries. Also, an adult, when they expect a lot, but does not receive it, they are very upset and offended. At the same time, emotionally immature people are people who can rarely wish happy birthday, rarely know how to thank. Emotional greed manifests itself in small things. This is dependence on someone else’s opinion, and it is very destructive. This feature alienates you so much from yourself that it will rather make you an unhappy person for the rest of your days. Emotionally immature people react very strongly to someone else’s assessment, to someone else’s opinion and even a displeased facial expression, some kind of someone else’s look can unsettle them. Their perception of themselves – how they look, who they are in this life, love and acceptance of themselves is very much dependent on the opinions and attitudes of others. These were the main distinguishing features by which one can understand whether a person is emotionally immature or not. Again I will tell you that it is better to look firstly at yourself, and not to try to analyze the people around you now. You should not try to figure out which of your loved ones is emotionally mature or immature. In fact, many of your environment most likely only “mirror” and reflect all your insincerity to yourself in various manifestations.

Emotional awareness can be achieved in many ways. The first thing that happens in our society, it is adopted as an established model of behavior. If our parents were emotionally mature, conscious people, if they knew how to treat us from a certain age, as a separate person who has the right to opinion and respect, to his decision, then this person quite harmoniously over time acquires this emotional independence, this emotional maturity and takes responsibility for their life and for their decisions, for their emotions. The second way is more difficult. It is passed by those who, perhaps, are less fortunate with the example and with the situation. Such people are the majority. All of us in childhood, one way or another, lacked certain emotional resources, which, in fact, would be more important than an extra toy and an extra piece of cake. What is important is awareness, happiness and inner balance of a person throughout the life. This is the path of awareness, when a person, having thought a little, having stuffed bumps, being disappointed in something, begins to understand that something is not right here. It can be quite a painful path, but it is better to go through it and endure it than never to go through it. If you look around, you will see a lot of people who are living in the state of a child, in a state of emotional immaturity, infantilism. And what are the signs of this emotional immaturity? I want to reassure you right away that you don’t need to be scared if you notice any of the listed signs in yourself, this is absolutely normal. There is nothing wrong with this. But to live your whole life and never think about it, that’s really scary. But many people do not even suspect that there is such a thing, they cannot even look at the situation from the outside. They do not realize that they are in a cage, from which it is impossible to get out. The fact is that you will not be able to see the situation if you do not take a few steps back from it, if you do not look at it from the side. And one of the great news and opportunities to look at something outside of them is information that you just need to let through yourself, listen and at least a little realize it. And if you notice signs of emotional immaturity in yourself, this is very good. This means that if you want, you will very soon take your life to a new level.

“It is those passions, the nature of which we misunderstand, that dominate us the most. And the weakest of all are feelings, the origin of which we understand. And often a person imagines that he is making an experience over others, when in reality he is making an experience over himself.”

Wilde O.

Emotional growing up is an important part of life, as is self – acceptance. You will only gain by realizing all this. Be honest with yourself now and don’t be afraid, don’t scold yourself now, if you notice that you haven’t really matured, that you are still in the state of a child, then it’s better to realize this and decide what to do about it. If this is not realized, then nothing can be done about it. Each of us can become emotionally mature and this is not a myth, these are not empty promises, this is a real conscious change. This path is not always simple, not always pleasant and easy, because in fact it is convenient for us to be in the state in which we are accustomed to be. When we walk on already trampled roads, we do it automatically. This is our comfort zone, and if we are used to blaming everyone, complaining, being offended, if we are used to expecting attention from everyone, but not being the first to give this attention and love, then we will feel uncomfortable, we will need to make an effort on ourselves in order to change something. Consciously change your inner state, and turn from an emotional child into a full-fledged, self-aware, feeling person who has inner contact with the Self. And this is exactly what will take your life to a qualitatively new level. It’s like black and white.

I will share with you a little of my experience and say that at one time I had such a problem. If I was in the company of a person in a bad mood, who was dissatisfied and annoyed with something, I was scared and somehow uncomfortable to show my good mood. It seemed to me that I needed to cheer up this person, appease or make them happy. In general, do something to make them feel better. And such behavior leads to our destruction, unfortunately, because we cannot be responsible for how others feel. It also leads to destruction due to the fact that we begin to regret, and pity takes away the strength of this person to cope with the situation on their own and makes them a victim. So be very careful about feeling sorry for yourself and for others. And if someone next to you is always in a bad mood, if a person always complains, is dissatisfied with something, or reacts angrily in some way, with such a person next to you, you still have the right to be happy, you have the right to be cheerful. And also you have the right not to be near such a person. It is clear that when our loved one feels bad, when they are sad, then, of course, a feeling of apathy and compassion is normal. It is quite logical that you will stop jumping for happiness and enjoy the world, you will come up and try to somehow sympathize. In fact, in order to prevent a person from entering the role of a victim, one should tell them at this moment that they will cope with the situation. Since such an attitude gives them strength rather than takes it away. Pity is one of the very subtle and destructive emotions. But mercy is a completely different matter.

But there are people who are always in a bad mood, who simply cannot stand it when someone feels good around them, who get angry, but there is a reason for this. If you grew up in a family where parents, older brothers or sisters, grandparents could come and yell at you for no reason, just because they were in a bad mood, then such children grow up with some kind of built-in radar. This inner feeling captures and fixes the negative emotions of other people: how do people around you feel now, are they dangerous for you or not, do you need to quiet down now, stop rejoicing, try to appease them somehow, or do they still good mood and you can be yourself. There are children who grow up with drinking parents, and they constantly live in fear that if the father comes home drunk, he will beat and yell. Understand that this is a childish reaction, this is a trauma that controls you, because when you read, you think that everything can be fixed very easily. But in reality, everything is not so simple. And this speaks of your destructive program. And if you notice this for yourself, remind yourself all the time that you have grown up. Try to fish out this program, recognize and accept it, and then it will start to leave you. You now have the right and the resource to stand up for yourself and take responsibility for living a new life. You are an adult person, and children’s reactions will make themselves felt for some time. But, if you purposefully remind yourself of this, if you say that you are responsible only for your well-being, only for your mood and emotional state, then soon such children’s reactions will weaken and become a thing of the past. And when you try to adjust to someone’s mood, you lose yourself, and that’s the worst thing you can do. Betray yourself, lose yourself. Remember that you are an adult and have the right to any of your emotions. And if you are forced to live or spend a lot of time with people who are constantly bad, who are constantly unhappy and constantly negative, ask yourself if you need it. And at a minimum, allow yourself to experience what you want to experience next to such people. Joy means joy. If it’s cool for you, let it be cool for you. Believe that the world needs your good emotions. Emotional conscious maturity means that there is one more step between the stimulus and your reaction. You always have a chance to choose what suits you, because life is one, and you are alone. And all this is called conscious choice. That is, between a stimulus or between some event and your reaction to this event or to this stimulus, you have the opportunity to choose how you will react. This is the quality of an emotionally conscious mature person. I repeat that an emotional conscious person is not born in one day, it is a journey, it is a practice of acquiring skills, the beginning of a new “Self” and reboot. And each of us walks this path, consciously walks in order to bring ourselves and our lives to a qualitatively new level.

Let’s go a little deeper in this chapter and reveal the topic of dependence on someone else’s opinion. I’ll start with a simple parable. A parable about how one person heard that a Buddha had come to a nearby village. This man was critical of the Buddha and considered him a charlatan. He went in search of the Buddha to tell him what he really thought about him, and when he finally found him, he spat at him and said all sorts of nasty things. When he finished, the Buddha asked, “Is that all you wanted to tell me?” The man replied, “Yes.” And then the Buddha turned around and went on his way. This man returned home and could not sleep all night, he was tormented by doubts. He tossed and turned, and kept thinking, or maybe he was wrong and said so many nasty things in vain. Probably, this is really a holy person, if he knows how to react to insults. After all, he didn’t answer anything, not a single muscle twitched in him, there was only peace in him. And waking up early in the morning, he went and picked flowers. He arranged the flowers into a beautiful wreath and went to look for the Buddha. And when he found him, he hung a wreath of fresh flowers around his neck and began to praise him in every possible way and say how wrong he was and how he repents. When he finished praising him, the Buddha asked, “Is that all you wanted to tell me?” The man replied, “Yes.” Then the Buddha turned around and went on peacefully on his way. The man was at a loss, he caught up with the Buddha and asked: “Please tell me why yesterday, when I spat at you and insulted you, you were not upset and were so calm. Why today, when I hung a wreath of flowers around your neck and began to praise you, did you not show your joy and were unperturbed? Then the Buddha replied: “Because I am not your slave.” How often do we become slaves to someone else’s mood, someone else’s fool, someone else’s whim, advice and much more? How often do we allow other people to determine how we feel and how we treat ourselves? This happens precisely when we have not developed a resource in ourselves – the resource of a mature person who will definitely filter what they let into their world and what they don’t, who understands where you just need to turn on awareness in time and put a barrier to your vibrational field or state that you will not allow to poison your life. And, of course, any person, even an emotionally mature one, has moments in life when they are more sensitive to information, these are some moments of turbulence, moments of internal doubt. There is also a circle of people who are very, very close to us, and their comments, their assessment still penetrates very far and can hurt a lot or, conversely, inspire a lot. This is understandable, however, you yourself know this difference. You can imagine in your head a person who is emotionally stable, who knows their own worth, who is aware of how they treat themselves, who they are and what they are. And you can also easily imagine a person who, like a pendulum, constantly fluctuates and reacts to the assessment of others. And unfortunately, it is incredibly difficult to live in such a state. In such a state, it is impossible to truly create something, because a person who does not trust their own opinion, but relies only on the reaction and on the opinion of others, cannot be creative, cannot let himself go on this creative flight. Another sad thing is happening. A person who is emotionally dependent on the opinions of other people is constantly trying to please, constantly trying to be good, suppressing their own interests, their emotions, changing their personality and adjusting themselves to be desirable, to be pleasing and acceptable to others. And, unfortunately, over time, all these things manifest themselves through a disease of the body, and this is inevitable.

In the following chapters, I will touch on the underlying emotional issues that are dragging you or your loved ones down, poisoning your life. You will receive a lot of interesting information, which, most importantly, you will be able to apply in your new conscious life.