Kitabı oku: «Collection of Stories», sayfa 2

* HOW TO BE SOLVENT

Hi Jack,

I have some financial problems at the moment. I can’t understand how I have been tangled up in this situation. I owe my landlady a hundred dollars. I have to pay up before the end of the month. What’s worse, I’ve run up many other bills. I haven’t the slightest idea how I’m going to pay back my debts. I could try to sell my old rotten car but it’s highly unlikely. I can’t even give it away. Our boss said they’d have to cut back our pay from next month. That’s terrible! I really counted on that money. So I don’t know what I am going to do to get along and be solvent.

Ben

* SEARCHING FOR A BETTER PRICE AND DRIVING A HARD BARGAIN

“It’s way too expensive. Can I have it cheaper?”

“He is driving a hard bargain. He says twenty dollars and he’ll break even.”

“Try to beat him down to fifteen. Tell him that guy over there is selling cheaper.”

“It won’t work. He is very stubborn. But who dares wins.”

“So any success?”

“Sort of. He knocked three dollars off for cash.”

“Great! That’s a real bargain. Let’s go and pick up something else!”

“I think we could club together and buy a gift for Kate. It’s her birthday in a week.”

“No problem! But we’d be better off going to another market. They seem to rip us off here, if they see we are really interested in anything.”

“All gift shops for tourists are a rip-off. They overinflate prices and try to throw in some rubbish!”

“Yeah, I know. They swindle tourists all over the world. Let’s take our time and shop around. Do you mind?”

“No, I don’t. You are right. Last time I snapped up a Diesel bag in a store, a few minutes later I found the same one at half price around the corner.”

“Bad luck! Things happen. Last year we were in an Aqua park in Egypt and had to fork out five bucks for a can of cola. That beats everything! Can you believe it?”

* A USEFUL DIET

I said to myself, “It’s enough!” I have to stock up on fruit and vegetables and forget about junk food. I am not going to be on a diet but I have to avoid rich and fatty products. I won’t skimp on healthy foods. I know I splashed out on some new clothes for my children last month and ran up a huge bill. They were selling them off at half price and I couldn’t help buying. I snapped up a bargain. I know the next day all the clothes were sold out! So I think a lack of money is now a good chance for me to think how to stay in shape and keep fit. I do want to be slim and slender.

4. EXCLAMATIONS, COMMANDS AND WARNINGS

* A PIECE OF THE ACTION

Julie’s birthday was coming and Bill offered to throw a party at a small hotel. He knew what to do as he’d organized one the year before.

“Ladies and Gentlemen – instead of buying unwanted gifts, would you mind chipping in? We won’t trouble your parents,” he asked. Julie liked the idea but she was worried about the money.

“Are you sure they will all club together? Renting a hotel hall is not cheap. How much was it for your birthday last year?” she asked. Bill had barely answered when the door opened and little Reece turned up. There was silence in the room.

“Don’t be a chicken! I won’t give you away to our parents. But I want a piece of the action, as mother says’, demanded Reece and held out his piggybank.

“Oh, it’s very you, Reece’, sighed Julie but Bill was more optimistic:

“Well done, boy! You are in!” he said and patted the little one’s head.

* IN SHORT

Pupil, “Sir, I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions.

Teacher, “Fine. No problem. Fire away!”

Girl, “I am afraid of failing Maths tomorrow and feel so awful at the moment.

Her roommate, “Oh, lighten up, will you! You’ll just bring everyone down!”

She, “Joanna wants you to talk to her on the phone.”

He, “Joanna? On the phone? Hang on/Hold on! Who’s Joanna? Is she someone I know?”

Boy, “I feel like killing Jim! He set me up!”

His father, “Steady on! I know he acted stupidly, but he was annoyed and in reality, he’s not a bad person.”

Son, “I’ve got a problem at school. Will you promise to take it easy on me?”

His father, “Come on! Spit it out! What awful things have you done again?”

Student, “I tried my best to find the book but failed. It was not available in our e-library either.”

Teacher (smiling), “Come off it! If you’d tried, you could have just opened your lecture notes and looked at the links I referred you to.”

* STEP ON IT!

When he started up the engine, she nervously said:

“Step on it! We’re late’. Just a few meters walk away, an elderly couple were crossing the road at the traffic lights.

“Watch out!” he answered pointing ahead through the windshield. “The traffic lights are against us. All I need is to lose my license now’.

As the green light showed, she demanded again:

“Damn it! Go on! Hurry up! We’ve not got all day! If we are late, I’ll die. I can’t wait’.

“Just belt up, will you!” he shouted and revved up the engine. When the well-known huge logotype showed up at the end of the street, she bit her lip trembling with impatience:

“Come on! Come on!” and jumped out of the car as it drew up to the kerb in front of the luxury glass doors.

“Take your time! Mind out! Watch your step! Oh, please, go easy on them!” he was begging, trying to keep up with her.

“Come along!” she said over her shoulder while walking. “Excuse me, where is the make-up department?” she asked the first shop assistant she ran into. “I heard that there’s a Christmas sale.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, there must be some mistake,” the girl replied. “We have no make-up department. This is a computer electronics store. We sell mobile phones, tablet PCs and other IT gadgets’.

“Oh my God! What a bummer!” Jennifer said… “Forget it! Let it go. Thank you for your help!” she turned round to her husband who shook his head and sighed.

“Calm down! Take it easy! Better luck next time, I hope’, he said and wandered slowly past.

* KEEP IT UP

“I want to take part in the final heat. It’ll be a real challenge to me.”

“Don’t worry! You’re at your best! Hang in there!”

“You’ve run the first half. You’re doing very well! Keep it up!”

* UNLUCKY ROBBERS

“Hey! Look out! The steps are crumbling and rotten. You’d be better off not going upstairs!”

“Oh my god! It hurts! You were right! I seem to have twisted my ankle. I can barely walk on it!”

“You, dimwit! Bite the bullet! I’m not carrying you.”

“I saw a bike by the fence. Maybe I could take it and ride off?”

“Sure, go ahead!”

* COGNITION COMES THROUGH COMPARISON

“All they concentrate on in the day-centre, is saying ‘Eat up!’ or ‘Drink up!’ or ‘What am I going to do with the leftovers?’ Nightmare. ‘Mustn’t grumble! Get it out of your head!’ The nanny is awful but the autumn is awesome. Lighten up!”

“I can’t. It’s terrible. When I sneeze, no one says “Bless you!” I heard her complaining yesterday “They pissed me off!” She called us “Old farts.”

“That’s what we are, old chap. Never mind! The worst is yet to come. So take your pills and a well-earned rest. Unlike me, at least you can walk out of here. Enjoy yourself!

* HILARIOUS

Singer: “Take it away, maestro! One, two, three!”

A pianist starts playing. As the song comes to the chorus, the singer encourages the audience: “Come on everyone – sing together!

* SEARCH ME

Mother: Sonny, where are my keys?

Her son: Search me! I’m going out now.

Mother: Wait! Have you done your homework for tomorrow?

He son: You’re like a broken record. Quit nagging me! I’ll do it later. Get over it!

Mother: You, stupid kid! I’ll sort you out when you get back!

* DREAMS AND REALITY

Brian: It’s already April. Roll on July! Can’t wait for it to get here. We are going to spend our holiday on Bali.

Jennifer: Dream on! It costs a fortune. Where will you get that kind of money?

Brian: You’ve got to be joking? I work hard and save every month.

Jennifer: Really? That’s laugh! A dollar a month? Your paintings don’t pay the bills. Talent never pays the bills. It’s me who does! So grow up! Straighten up and fly right! You are not a student anymore. Find a better job and start earning some money.

Brian: Hold on! I could borrow it from the Stevensons…

Jennifer: Cut it out! You are talking crap. Who’ll pay it back then? My mother was right – you’re nothing but a lazy bastard and I shouldn’t have married you.

Brian: Cut it out, will you! You and your mother are always having a go at me and my patience is wearing thin.

Jennifer: Bollocks! Don’t tell me I’ve insulted you? Go on! Don’t tell me you’re insulted.

Brian: Shut up! I’m off to paint another picture. Leave me alone!

Jennifer: Thick as two short planks. Don’t worry, genius, I’ll leave you in peace. After all, someone’s got to do the shopping and cooking, haven’t they?

* HANDS OFF!

Boy: Give me the lollypop! I want it!

Girl: It’s mine! Don’t touch it! Get off!

Boy: Easy, easy! You might rip my t-shirt.

Girl: Hands off!

Teacher: Hey, kids! Keep it down!

I can’t hear what the bus driver’s saying.

Boy: Did you hear her? Shut up!

Girl: You, loony, belt up and push off! It’s my candy!

Teacher: Calm down, kids! We are getting on the bus. Come along!

5. FOOD AND DRINK

* TIMES CHANGE, BUT NOT NECESSARILY FOR THE BETTER

My granny used to tell me she had to go to the market every day to buy fresh meat and vegetables for dinner. It was before the refrigerator was invented. Traditionally, eating was something that all family members did together because there was no chance to grab a bite or have a snack on the go like nowadays. In the past, most parents insisted that the whole family sat around the dining table at a certain time. They prayed and tried to act politely while eating. Even my mother used to tell me, “When my lunch is at its peak, I’m deaf and mute, so please don’t speak.” I can’t hear it today among my friends and it is most unlikely that I will say it to my kids.

Technical inventions have dramatically changed our habits and behavior. Usually we watch TV, smartphones or tablet PCs while we eat; we don’t share breakfast and lunch with our family and eat at different times. Microwaves have changed the way we cook and today it’s easy to do it in seconds without having to wait until your parents come back home from work. I know that it’s very rare for a lot of my friends’ families to sit at the table together and share their news over a good meal. Moreover, the thought of cooking for someone at home makes them nervous and anxious, for guests in particular. If it happens, the day turns into a nightmare and the hosts don’t feel happy at all. So, most prefer having snacks and lunch outside and ordering pizza or other convenience food has become quite natural. That’s why, times change, but not necessarily for the better.

* I LIKE TO COOK

I like throwing a dinner party for my friends. Yesterday I prepared a chicken casserole and put it in the freezer to make sure it did not go off. I took it out of the freezer in the morning and defrosted it. Then I put the chicken on and made a salad of lettuce, cheese, pickled carrot and ham. I heated up the casserole, making sure that it did not boil over and asked my boyfriend to pop out for some drinks.

* THE BIRTHDAY PARTY

The birthday was great, my mother helped me set the table and handed round plates with snacks and salad. My brother poured out drinks. As anyone needed a refill, he immediately came up and topped up their glasses. I served the main dish and all my friends dug in to pork and mashed potatoes. It was Daisy who didn’t touch her food.

“Why are you picking at the salad?” my brother asked her.

“Now she’s gonna say she pigged out on pizza this morning’, her boyfriend said gleefully and winked at him. “She thinks she needs to lose weight. So she has to cut down on fatty food’.

Soon he polished off both plates and happily smiled. He said it went well with the salad and everyone agreed. I started passing biscuits and gateau round while everyone else went outside to chat and let their dinner digest.

* NOTHING TO EAT

As we had nothing to eat the next day, I decided to get a takeaway. I ordered a sea-food pizza, my favourite. My brother says that I live on pizza because I adore it and eat it so often. I don’t argue because we have no leftovers. He will have to put up with my choice. I can’t be bothered cutting up onion, taking off tomato skins, chopping, boiling and frying all that in the morning. No way! I’m not cut out for it!

* ENJOY YOUR FOOD

When you’re in a hurry, you don’t chew and instead you gobble your food down. If you want to enjoy it, you have to take time. I don’t remember the taste of what we were eating while serving in the Navy, we just wolfed it down and that’s it. Now I can afford to eat out every day but my wife likes to eat in and I have to admit she has a knack for cooking! On Saturday mornings, we usually send out for fish sandwiches and a nice tiramisu cake. Sometimes our friends call us and we have them round and serve up something special. While I’m barbecuing, my wife slices pizza up and lets everyone help themselves to what they want.

I know that Mike and Jenny, our neighbours, cut meat out entirely from their diet. They both have gastric ulcers and meat causes stabbing pains in their stomachs. It does not agree with them, so my wife usually cooks steamed vegetables and chicken for them. That goes well with olives and lettuce. I think we have to follow them if we want to feel healthier. They say a lot of raw vegetables can fill me up even though I suspect it’s not true, but my wife thinks vegetables can help her stay slim and she won’t put on weight. She says I can put away three steaks, a pizza and some beer in one meal and it’s unhealthy. Of course, it’s much better be off picking at a salad for half an hour pretending it’s so delicious. Oh, those women!

* IT STARTED SO INNOCENTLY

You know pizza is a kind of meal that takes some drink to wash it down. It might be either spicy or quite dry and water helps me swallow it. My friends usually drink beer and they say “let’s drink to the teetotaler’ bantering with me. Today I woke up late and had some chocolate biscuits with milk and cereal. I didn’t really want it and just was dipping a biscuit in milk. It soaked up the milk and I was enjoying it very much. I felt great that morning after being out the night before at a party with my mates. Even dark stains on the tablecloth didn’t make me feel sick. I was smiling, recalling Jane trying to water down neat whiskey with sweet cola. Her hands were shaking and cola spilled over the edge of the glass. She’d never drunk whiskey before and it made her feel nervous because she wanted to look cool. So it was enough for her to drink it up and flake out, out cold, as if she were an alcoholic, drinking like a fish every night. She’s been sleeping upstairs in my bedroom since then.

* LOCATING THE POSITION

A hungry man goes into a restaurant at a railway station and orders a whole chicken. He asks a waiter to bring it to him to examine it before cooking. The waiter brings one at once. The hungry man puts his point finger into the chicken’s rump and says:

‘It’s from Brazil, defrosted and 6 months old. Ugh, how disgusting! Bring me a fresh one.’ Stunned, the waiter goes away. The manager sends him across the street to the butcher’s. The waiter, breathing heavily, takes a fresh chicken to the strange man. The hungry man again puts his point finger into the chicken’s rump and says:

‘Hm-m, it’s from a local village, killed two days ago. But it’s ok. Cook it!’

A visitor at another table, drunk and barely able to move, comes up to the stranger, turns his back on him, lowers his trousers, underpants to his knees and asks in a stammering voice:

‘Excuse me, I’ve been here for a few days and can’t remember where I am from. Could you help me, please?’

6. TIME SPENDING

* EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING

I started painting about two years ago, after my divorce. I wanted to forget about my previous life. There was no rush, so I did about two or three hours every evening, just to relax and pass some time – I used to come home from work, tired, but after painting for a few hours, I felt totally refreshed. Last week, some colleagues dropped in on me and saw my paintings. Some of them complimented me on them, so I gave them away without thinking any more of it. Yesterday, one of my colleagues introduced me to an art agent, who offered me the opportunity to display my paintings in his gallery. I was so thrilled, I hadn’t been able to calm down until now. I think that “every cloud has a silver lining’.

* STRENUOUS WORK

My boyfriend works as a programmer in a global software company. I envy him since he doesn’t have to clock on and clock off when he leaves work, unlike me in the hospital. He can stay at home and work in bed for weeks without seeing his colleagues and management at all! They have no machine that shows he has worked an extra long shift like me and that allows me to take time off at a later date. He has no shifts at all. I was planning to take a holiday in July this year but had to bring it forward as I was told July was going to be a very busy time for our hospital. I love my work but my hospital is understaffed and I hate to always be pressed for time. I find it almost impossible to find the time to pay more attention to the patients and talk to them a little bit longer than I do now, even though I feel that is an essential part of my job. Of course, I can chat for a few minutes but then I have to press on with my other duties. Our hospital hires many nurses from overseas. However, when their work permits run out after three years, they have to leave and the management has to fill staff vacancies again. Many nurses like me who are permanent staff for five or ten years burn themselves out and can’t stand it anymore. The strenuous work quickly wears them out and they quit, completely exhausted and devastated after five or seven years.

* SPARE TIME

I’m a teenager and still have a lot of spare time unlike my parents. So after school I usually hang out with my friends in the streets or in the park. My mum and dad say they used to knock around together for years and it was OK in their days. If they have free time today, they say they love whiling away their days going round the shops or just chatting to one of their old friends. Sometimes our family goes away for a weekend and mucks about at our old cottage in the countryside, enjoying nice weather or riding bikes together. Mum adores it because it’s out of the city and there is no one who can reach us. The few neighbours are very friendly and welcoming and we always get together for barbecue or a cup of tea in the evenings.

* A COMPANY EVENT

We were informed the sales conference would be coming around soon. So we had to hurry our sales reports along. To tell the truth, I couldn’t believe that the conference was coming up again already. Before I knew it, the last year had slipped away! There’s an awful lot of paper work to do leading up to the conference, given that it’s going to be held in our foreign branch. I hope it’ll break things up and make life a bit more interesting there. The excessive hype about our new products and the new marketing campaign completely passed me by. I was busy working out a new distribution channel in Brazil from scratch.

* EXAMINATION TIME

I’m happy we hit it off, folks, so I’m not going to drag out my speech. Only two weeks left before the exams start and we’re going to have to pull our socks up, if we want to pass. We’re going to set aside the next fortnight just for revision and have a cramming session on the eve of the exam. In other words, we’re going to free up some time by cancelling all non-exam lessons like PE and Arts. Are you up for it? All school sports matches will be held over until the exams are finished. We think it would be better than trying to fit revision in around sport commitments. The sports staff agreed that putting back those matches wouldn’t cause any serious problems. We won’t set schedules back too much so that we won’t be able to fit in all the matches before the end of the term. So now, put everything else out of your mind and concentrate on your revision. No more frittering time away – get down to some serious work.