Kitabı oku: «The Accidental Life Swap»

To the Joyces –

Chris, Rianne and Isobel.

Chapter 1

He’s used my toothpaste again. The tube is flat in the middle and twisted. Twisted? What has he been doing with my Colgate? Other than using my stuff without permission – again. I’m not having it. I’m not. As soon as I’ve brushed my teeth, I’m going to march into his bedroom, without knocking, and I’m going to tell my flatmate exactly what I think of him.

Lee Williams, I’ll bark in the way my boss has perfected, the way that makes me have to cross my legs so I don’t do a little wee of fear at my desk. You are an inconsiderate, lazy, selfish pig. I regret the day I ever moved into this disgusting little flat with you. If I could afford to live anywhere else, I would. In a heartbeat. Half a heartbeat. You make me want to vomit with your rarely washed body, your farting in the kitchen and your bogey-flicking. I especially dislike the way you walk around the flat wearing nothing but a pair of crusty underpants and a look of indifference, not even registering my discomfort, never mind giving a damn about it.

Perhaps I will knock on the door before I venture into his bedroom, after all. I fear what I may encounter if I catch him unawares.

I can’t stand you, Lee. Sometimes I even despise you. And I’m a nice person. I don’t usually despise anyone, not even Sonia at work, who has lodged herself so far up Vanessa’s bum, only the tips of her knockoff Manolo Blahnik mules are visible. But I dislike you. Very much so. You are ignorant and sexist and like the sound of your own voice far too much. I am not your wife or your mother or your maid. It is not my ‘duty’ to fill the fridge with nutritious food for you to pilfer so you don’t have to go to the shops yourself. It is not my responsibility to clean the entire flat myself (and it is a pointless task anyway because no matter how much I scrub and vacuum and dust, the place is permanently grimy due to the years of neglect before I foolishly came along, and your continuous slovenliness). It is not my obligation to provide you with bloody toothpaste.

I’m working up quite a lather as I release all the pent-up frustration of living with an untrained animal for the past three years on my teeth. I’m going to tell him about his reprehensive behaviour and make it clear that it has to stop. I tried once before, about three months into our flat-share, in the form of a polite note pushed under his bedroom door. I later found the note stuck to the fridge door, with a giant penis and hairy balls scrawled across it in black marker. I don’t think my charming flatmate had taken much notice of my requests for him to buy milk every once in a while or to turn his pounding music down after 11 p.m. on worknights before he defaced the note.

Still, I’m going to put things straight now. Better three years late than never.

Popping my toothbrush into my washbag (I never leave my toothbrush unattended in communal areas, having learned the hard way when I discovered Lee’s even grubbier friend working on his molars with a toothbrush of mine back in the early days), I throw my shoulders back and lift my chin high before marching into the dimly-lit hallway and heading towards Lee’s bedroom. The door is flung open before I have the chance to reach it, revealing an almost naked Lee and a cloud of musty fug.

Right, this is it. I’m going to let rip and unleash the tirade I’ve been rehearsing in my head. He won’t know what’s hit him!

‘Morning.’ Flashing the briefest of minty-fresh smiles, I scuttle off to my own bedroom with a sense of shame so severe it makes my stomach ache.

I’m a wimp. A great big wuss. A sissy pants without a backbone.

Why am I so pathetic? Why can’t I stand up to him and demand a tiny shred of respect? I’ve put up with his disregard and insolence for three years and I don’t think I can take much more of it. Either Lee has to change or I have to move on, and the only way to do that is to finally bag the promotion I deserve at work. I’ve already started to squirrel tiny amounts of money away into my savings each month for a deposit on a new flat, but if I could earn a bit more cash, I could move out of this hovel and away from my revolting flatmate much sooner. Plus, it would mean I’d finally earned the respect of my boss.

I’ve been working as the personal assistant to Vanessa Whitely at her events management company since I graduated from university three years ago, but I’m keen to take on a more creative role within the company. I have so many ideas, but I’ve yet to voice them in a way that will grab Vanessa’s attention. I need to make her listen to me. Be firm, more assertive and all the other strong, positive terms I’ve been reading about in the pile of self-help books crammed onto my bookshelf. There’s a big event coming up, an autumn festival taking place on farmland in the Yorkshire Dales, and I’ve been working on ideas for weeks, perfecting and polishing them until they’re shiny enough to present to Vanessa. This is my chance to show my boss what I’m capable of. That I have skills beyond answering the phone, making coffee and juggling her diary.

I’m going to do it. Today. Before it’s too late. I’m going to take a huge, positive leap forward in my career. I’m going to march into Vanessa’s office with the file I’ve compiled, set it on her desk and exhibit my ideas with passion and expertise. She’ll be so bowled over, she’ll add me to the team with immediate effect and I can start looking into new accommodation as soon as possible. And who knows – maybe I’ll be moving out of this dingy flat within the next month!

*

There are a couple of things I need to do before I march into Vanessa’s office. My first task is to sort out my appearance as I’m currently sporting a pair of lemon check pyjamas and the worst case of bedhead I’ve ever witnessed. I need to present myself as immaculately as my festival ideas, so that Vanessa can take one look at me and instantly see me in the role I covet. Vanessa always appears chic and professional, so I need to emulate her look as best as I can with my limited resources. While Vanessa dresses as though she’s about to step on the catwalk at London Fashion Week, I don’t have quite the same budget for clothes and accessories, but I’ll do what I can. Reaching into my wardrobe, I pull out a sleeveless black dress, cut to just below the knee, that is classic and sophisticated and definitely the sort of look Vanessa would go for. I team the dress with a gold belt and pair of lace-up peep-toe ankle boots that are similar to a pair I’ve seen Vanessa wearing (but while hers undoubtedly cost at least a month’s worth of my salary, I bought mine from the supermarket, marked down to less than twenty quid because of a scuff on the heel, which I’ve coloured in with a Sharpie pen).

My hair takes a bit more effort. It really is an unruly mop and refuses to stay in any of the styles I twist and grip it into. Vanessa favours sleek up-dos, but my hair is not playing along. In the end, because I’m running out of time, I’m forced to gather it into a messy bun and hope with every fibre of my being that it works with the overall look. I have just enough time leftover to swipe on a layer of mascara and smear on my favourite nude lip gloss before I leg it for the bus. I may be attempting to copy Vanessa’s style, but there’s no way I could get away with her bold red lipstick.

We’re advancing into late September, still technically summer, but it’s already turning chilly and I zip up my coat as I hurry along the street – not quite jogging but as close as I’m going to get in these heels. The boots may be pretty but they’re not very comfortable and my exposed toes are in danger of becoming frostbitten. Little white clouds puff into the air on each ragged exhale as I urge my body to move faster towards the main road. If I miss my bus, there’ll be a twenty-minute wait for the next and bursting into the office late is not the sort of impression I want to make on this of all days. I have my autumn festival file tucked under my arm, but it’ll be of little use if I don’t catch the 8.22 bus.

I’m almost at the main road when I hear the distant rumble of a double decker bus. Gah! Pushing myself and praying I don’t break an ankle in the stupid boots, I make a dash for it, gasping and rasping for breath as I sprint towards the bus stop. Yes! There’s a sizeable queue waiting to board, giving me a few more valuable seconds to reach the stop. This must be a good sign of things to come, surely, even if it means I’ll probably have to stand for the entire fifteen-minute journey.

I make it onto the bus, sweating despite the chill, and collapse onto the one remaining seat at the back. I take the available seat as another good sign of things to come, even if it is the seat in the middle, which means I spend the next fifteen minutes in fear of flying down the aisle of the bus every time we turn a corner or brake. I’m not catapulted from my seat (a third Good Sign) and the traffic is pretty smooth going (Good Sign #4), meaning I have plenty of time to get from the Piccadilly Gardens bus stop to the office without breaking another sweat. This is definitely a Good Day. I’m feeling so positive, I practically skip along Lever Street and offer my cheeriest of hellos to the barista as I step into my favourite independent coffee shop. I order three coffees – a gingerbread soya cappuccino, a cinnamon latte with whipped cream and brown sugar, and a salted caramel mocha. Spending my hard-earned cash on fancy coffees is a big indulgence for me, but I feel a Good Day like today deserves it, and so I barely whimper as I slot my debit card into the card reader and jab my pin into the number pad.

Carrying three hot coffees – even if they are helpfully slotted into a cardboard tray – means I can no longer skip, but my mood is still lifted as I make my way to the office. Vanessa Whitely Events is located on the third floor of a converted red-bricked Victorian terrace and while the outside has kept its historical charm, the inside is airy and modern, with exposed brickwork, shiny white desks and chrome lighting fixtures in every conceivable place. The reception area has huge tub chairs in a rainbow of colours, and I can still taste the fear of waiting to be called for my interview three years ago every time I step inside.

‘Morning.’ Emma smiles brightly from behind the reception desk, raising a hand in greeting as I elbow my way through the glass doors. ‘Need a hand?’

Emma is one of the loveliest people I know. Permanently chirpy and always willing to listen to me moan about Vanessa’s lack of faith in me, or Sonia’s latest catty remarks, or life in general, Emma is often the only thing that keeps me going at work. She isn’t just a work colleague; she’s my best friend and I’d be lost without her. I felt a bit out of place when I stepped into the big, wide world of events management alone, but Emma was like a life jacket from the moment she arrived behind the reception desk two years ago, propping me up with friendship and gin.

‘I’m okay.’ I dodge out of the way of the door, allowing it to close behind me as I right the tray of coffees that is slipping from my grasp. ‘Just about.’ I scamper towards the reception desk to relieve myself of the tray and the file that I’ve somehow managed to keep tucked under my arm. ‘Cinnamon latte?’ I de-wedge one of the coffees and hold it out to Emma, whose eyes widen as she grasps the cardboard cup.

‘You’re the best! I am so in the mood for a decent coffee.’

I give a one-shouldered shrug, as though the cost of the coffees hasn’t taken a scary chunk out of my weep-inducingly low bank balance. I really need this promotion. ‘I thought we could do with a treat.’

‘Amen to that.’ Emma raises her cup before she takes a sip, closing her eyes to savour the taste. ‘God, yes. I need this today. Vanessa’s already on the warpath and it isn’t even nine o’ clock.’

‘She is?’ My stomach churns. This information doesn’t bode well for me. I need Vanessa to be in good spirits – or at least neutral spirits – when I present my ideas to her. If she’s in a bad mood, she’s more likely to toss my file aside to ‘take a look at later’ – which never happens – or dismiss them outright.

Bugger.

‘Any idea what’s set her off?’ If I can smooth things over, I could nudge my chances of promotion back on track. Emma is the font of all knowledge when it comes to Vanessa Whitely Events; she usually knows what’s happening and when and to whom, so if you want up-to-date gossip, she’s your woman. But Emma shakes her head.

‘No idea, sorry. She stormed in here earlier, yelling into her mobile, but I couldn’t get the gist of it.’

‘Maybe this will help calm her down.’ I pick up the tray of coffees. ‘Wish me luck.’ Slipping my file of ideas under my arm, I head towards Vanessa’s office, chin held high in determination as I rap on the door.

Chapter 2

Vanessa is sitting behind her desk, her face pinched as she rests her chin on a clenched fist. Her mobile has been tossed aside, landing on the edge of a stack of paper so that it’s being propped up, face-down, on the desk. Her hair – unusually for Vanessa – is looking a bit bedraggled, as though she’s been clutching at her head in despair, disrupting her sleek up-do. Do I mention it? Earn myself a few extra brownie points for my honesty and for saving Vanessa from looking anything but flawless? Or will that put me in the firing line? Perhaps it’s best to keep quiet, just until I’ve established why Vanessa is so clearly distressed, if there is a way I can help, and if my mentioning the state of her hair will be a help or hindrance to my cause.

‘Well? What do you want?’

I’m still dithering by the door, but Vanessa’s bark spurs me into action. Stepping fully into the room, I march purposefully across the large office, noticing with alarm that a pot of pens has been swiped from the desk and is currently strewn across the polished floor. This is not good.

‘Coffee.’ My voice comes out all squeaky, so I clear my throat and try again. ‘I brought you a coffee. Soya cappuccino. Gingerbread.’ I clear my throat once more and step over the scattered pens. ‘A gingerbread soya cappuccino.’

Vanessa’s shoulders rise as she heaves in a breath through flared nostrils. I suspect she’s either going to burst into tears with gratitude or roar that a gingerbread soya cappuccino is no longer her coffee of choice. I’m not sure which option I’d prefer, but it’s a third option that Vanessa plumps for, releasing her breath with a heavy, disdainful sigh. She snatches a cardboard cup from her desk and wafts it at me.

‘I already have a coffee, thank you very much.’ Although Vanessa is using pleasantries, the words are fired at me with a sneer.

‘I could tell Vanessa needed a pick-me-up this morning.’ Sonia’s voice makes me jump, and the file slips from under my arm, joining the mess of pens on the floor. I didn’t realise my colleague was in the office, skulking in the corner. She smiles sweetly – almost patronisingly – at our boss. ‘She’s having a tough time.’

‘Oh?’ Dumping the coffee tray on Vanessa’s desk, I crouch down to pick up the file. Luckily, none of the pages have come loose. ‘Anything I can help with?’

Sonia snorts, and when I steal a look behind me, she’s shaking her head at Vanessa while rolling her eyes. She emerges from her corner by the window and perches on the edge of Vanessa’s desk, as though they’re the best of buddies. Equals. Sitting in such close proximity, I realise how similar the pair look. Both have bleached white-blonde hair, stark against their defined brows and tanned skin (Vanessa’s due to three weeks in Barbados, Sonia’s courtesy of Sunny Dayz, the tanning shop she rushes to every lunchtime to keep her tan topped up). They’re even dressed alike this morning in silk shirts with pussy-bow collars, Vanessa’s a navy, long-sleeved shirt while Sonia has opted for an indigo-and-white striped sleeveless version. I attempted to emulate Vanessa’s style this morning, but Sonia has gone one better. She’s beaten me, again.

‘This problem is going to take more than a coffee run, sweetie.’ Sonia crosses her arms and her eyes flick upwards again. Snotty cow. I wish I was the kind of person who could call others out on their rudeness, but I’m not. I’m a pushover. Always have been, always will be, no matter how much it frustrates me.

Sonia and I started working at Vanessa Whitely Events on the same day. While I’d been offered the role as Vanessa’s PA, Sonia had joined the company as one of the receptionists. We’d both recently graduated, and this was our first proper job. We should have bonded, but instead battle lines were drawn as Sonia made it her mission to rise to the top as quickly as possible, trampling on anyone she had to on the way up. While she was quickly replaced by Emma on the reception desk after being promoted to event planner, I’m still Vanessa’s assistant, with no say in the events the company managed, no matter how many ideas I have whirling around my head.

‘I don’t know about that, actually.’ Vanessa sits upright, her movement so sudden and unexpected that I almost topple backwards in my crouched position. ‘Maybe you can help.’

‘She can?’ Sonia’s brow furrows as she looks from Vanessa, to me, and back again.

‘I can?’ I leap up from my squatted position and beam at my boss. Vanessa is tapping her chin with a manicured finger, her eyes narrowed to thoughtful slits.

‘Yes.’ Her lips spread out into a wide smile until her veneered teeth are displayed, hungry shark-like. ‘Yes, I think you may be the perfect solution, Becky.’

‘It’s, um, Rebecca.’ My response is mumbled – what the hell does it matter if she calls me Becky? She can call me Bogey-Face if she wants to (my flatmate certainly does, and finds it hilarious). Vanessa has just declared – with a witness – that I, Rebecca Riley, am the perfect solution to her problem. Not Sonia. Not any of the others on the team. Me.

‘Can you give us a minute to discuss the matter?’

I assume Vanessa is dismissing me, and start to back away from her desk, careful not to step on any of the pens still littering the floor, but it’s actually Sonia she’s addressing. Sonia seems as shocked as I feel, her mouth slowly forming a large ‘O’ as she blinks at Vanessa.

‘Go on.’ Vanessa wafts her hand, almost shooing Sonia away from her perched position on the desk. ‘You need to prepare for the team meeting anyway.’ Vanessa flicks her wrist to check the time on her chunky watch. ‘Shoot. We’re already running late. Give me five minutes?’

Sonia closes her gaping mouth and manages a grimace-like smile. It switches off immediately as she meets my eye. ‘Fine. I’ll make sure we’re ready to get started as soon as you’ve finished here.’

‘Thank you, Sonia.’ This time, Vanessa’s pleasantries are met with a corresponding smile. ‘What would I do without my right-hand woman?’

Usually, I’d be silently seething at those vomit-inducing words, but right now I’m floating on a cloud of pure happiness. Because while Sonia is Vanessa’s right-hand woman, I am the perfect solution to her problem. I will solve whatever hiccup has sent Vanessa into a rage. I will be the hero that saves the day, and Vanessa will finally value my contribution to the company.

Promotion, here we come.