Kitabı oku: «Making Divorce Work: In 9 Easy Steps»

Foreword

DO YOU WANT THE GOOD NEWS OR THE BAD NEWS?

THE BAD NEWS IS YOU’RE SPLITTING UP …

THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU’RE SPLITTING UP!

NO, I HAVEN’T MADE A MISTAKE;

THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

INTRIGUED?

YOU WILL BE…

I KNOW I AM.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Keith Barret. I am a divorced man. I can honestly say I’ve never been happier.

You may not realize it yet but if you are reading this book you are embarking upon one of life’s great adventures. In a sense I envy you.

I’ve called this book Making Divorce Work, but you needn’t feel left out if you never actually married and all you’ve done is simply split up with the love of your life, common law spouse, live-in lover, partner, significant other or soul mate. Don’t worry. This book is about failure in all its many forms and I’m sure it applies just as easily to you.

“So what?” if you’re happily married, “So what?” if you’re not divorced… What is the opening salvo of any divorce? That’s right, the wedding! So even if you’re in the happiest place you’ve ever been and you think your marriage is rock solid, don’t worry, any way you look at it you’re on the first step towards divorce.

There we are,

D I V O R C E

…That word again. It makes some people wince. Why? Divorce. Divorce, divorce, divorce… You say it’s an ending, I say it’s a fresh start. Is the glass half full or half empty? If you’re a man who’s recently divorced, the chances are you don’t have any glasses left, certainly not the crystal stuff, so come on and join me in raising a beaker to the future!

But before you do, let’s first take a very important step together as we begin our journey. May I ask you a question? When was the last time you had an eye test? That’s right, an eye test! A year ago? A week ago? This morning? It really doesn’t matter. Regardless of your answer I’m going to put on my optician’s hat (they don’t have hats do they …? They have those straps with a big-hinged silver disc at the end. Fine, I’ll put that on) and prescribe you a new pair of spectacles. But these are no ordinary glasses that you can pick up for next to nothing at SpecSavers, nor are they a fancy designer pair of Jeff Banks’s from Vision Express, no, they’re magic glasses and the good news is they’re free. Free on the NKS, the National Keith Service!

It’s a bit of fun.

That’s right, they’re not actual glasses at all, they’re just a way of looking at the world, at life as it goes on around us, a device for getting across my philosophy I did consider using the more modern and “on message” metaphor of contact lenses but decided against it as of course with contact lenses you have to take them out at the end of the day and soak them in the bathroom for no less than four hours. I know that you have to take off your glasses also, but the difference is that you can leave them close at hand on the bedside table as you sleep, safe in the knowledge that they’re nearby should you need to look at anything in the dark.

So, glasses it is then! But what sort of glasses do I mean? Not rose-tinted ones, that’s for sure! I’m a realist, living in the real world, so my glasses need to be real too, so no rose tinting. No, what they are is rose scented, so while you see clearly, you’re getting the real genuine picture, you’re also smelling a lovely scent of roses! Just like an up-market toilet freshener hanging under your nose. I’ll be handing you these glasses throughout the book when I want you to see something in a different way. Let’s put them on now …

Let’s take the word “divorce”. In her popular song “D.I.VO.R.C.E”, country star Tammy Wynette broke the word down into its constituent parts, or letters, coming up with a series of words beginning with each letter. I forget the actual words she came up with and for that I apologize; I had the song on a CD, The Golden Rhinestone Ladies of Contemporary and Classic Country, but so far have failed to lay my hands on it… Rest assured though that they, the words, were all rather downbeat and sad. The song was a massive hit all around the globe, earning Tammy millions to spend on saddles, but think how much bigger it could have been if she had put, as Tony Blair might say, “a positive spin” on it. If only she’d popped into my opticians for a check-up I could have kitted her out with some special, leather-trimmed Country and Western style glasses! Tammy missed a great opportunity to show the world the positive, uplifting, life-affirming side of divorce; but don’t worry, I’ve done it for her …

It’s over to Sir Jimmy Saville and Pete Tong in the Top of the Pops studio!

“Now then, now then, how’s about that then guys and gals, oh, oh, oh! Setting a new record with twenty-five weeks at number one, it’s Keith Barret and D.I.V.O.R.C.E.!”

“GREAT!” (PETE).

D: Dining Out. Table for one? “Certainly, sir.” Watch the bill at the end of the meal shrink before your eyes! Delia had the right idea when she said, “One is Fun!” I’d go a step further: “One is a Lot of Fun!”

I: Ikea. Stroll around this Swiss furniture wonderland at your own pace. 10.30 on a Monday morning, the place is very quiet. Stay a few hours and finish off with a slap-up lunch of meatballs and a Dime bar!

V: Volume. Turn it up!

O: Old Friends. Get on to Friends Reunited and track down your childhood sweetheart. See Step 6, “Respecting a Restraining Order” (Not really, it’s a bit of fun…)

R: Restaurants. See D: Dining Out.

C: Christmas. You can do what you want to do. So long as it doesn’t include the children.

E: Easter. See Christmas.

Good? Of course it is. Now then, take off my glasses, read that last bit again and I’m sure you’ll think that it’s a load of mumbo-jumbo nonsense, so hang on to those imaginary glasses, tie a bit of imaginary string to them and drape them round your imaginary neck like a theatre director or a librarian; you’ll be needing them again soon.

Is this book for me?

I think so, yes. Put it this way; yes it is. It’s for anyone and everyone recently out of a relationship, or anyone and everyone who feels their union may be coming to an end. This book is aimed at anyone and everyone, male or female, hetero or homo, straight or gay

It’s probably most useful to straight men.

That’s not important though, what is important is:

1. That you read on regardless of your sexual orientation.

2. Remember that you are not alone.

(What I mean by that is, you are alone, you’re very alone; but you’re not the only one going through it.)

What does it take to make a divorce work?

Well my friend, you may as well ask,“How long is a piece of string?”

Exactly!

In this case it’s nine steps long. How long is a step? In this case it’s about twenty-five pages, so in this case a piece of string is approximately 224 pages long, including the foreword.

I’ve broken the whole process of making a divorce work down into nine easy steps, or one long piece of string. I can promise you that by the end of the final chapter you will feel much less like you are staring into an endless black abyss contemplating the futility of your own existence. Feelings of humiliation and pointlessness will have been replaced with gaiety and joy. Indeed the only sound of laughter you hear will now be yours, not that of everyone who knows you. If I’ve done my job, far from avoiding break-up and separation, you’ll probably enjoy it! You might even be tempted to enter into a string of doomed relationships just so you can relish the final wrench apart! This might seem light years away from the uncontrollable sobbing and shaking you’re experiencing at the moment, but trust me: anything is possible when you’ve taken the medicine[1] prescribed by Dr Keith![2]

^[1] Always read the label. (Only joking! It’s a bit of fun…)

^[2] Fourth Estate Legal Notice: At the time of going to press Keith Barret is not a doctor or optician. Fourth Estate in no way endorses any medical or optometric advice dispensed within the pages of this book. All liability rests solely with the author. Consult a qualified medical practitioner before following any of the advice given in this publication.