Kitabı oku: «Gullible's Travels, Etc.», sayfa 8
"Maybe she'd better take a few lessons from you," says Mrs. Garrett.
"No," I says, kiddin' her. "You don't want no more female experts in the club or you might have to buy some cut glass once in a w'ile instead o' winnin' it."
Well, I bid three hearts; but Mrs. Garrett come up to three no trump and I couldn't go no higher. This time I led out my ace o' hearts, hopin' maybe to catch their king; but I didn't get it. And Mrs. Garrett copped all the rest of 'em for a little slam.
"If your husband ever starts drinkin' hard," I says, "you can support yourself by sellin' some o' your horseshoes to the Russian government."
It wasn't no lie, neither. I never seen such hands as that woman held, and Messenger's was pretty near as good. In the four deals they grabbed two rubbers and a couple o' little slams, and when they left our table they had over nine hundred to our nothin'.
Mr. Collins and another woman was the next ones to set down with us. The rules was to change pardners and Collins took the one I'd been playin' with. And what does she do but get lucky and they give us another trimmin', though nothin' near as bad as the first one. My pardner, this time, was a woman about forty-eight, and she acted like it was way past her bedtime. When it was her turn to say somethin' we always had to wait about five minutes, and all the other tables was through a long w'ile before us. Once she says:
"You'll have to excuse me to-night. I don't somehow seem to be able to keep my mind on the game."
"No," I says; "but I bet you'd perk up if the lady's prize was a mattress. When you're goin' to be up late you should ought to take a nap in the afternoon."
Well, sir, my next pardner wasn't nobody else but the Missus. She'd started at the fourth table and lost the first time, but win the second. She come along with the husband o' the pardner I'd just had; so here we was family against family, you might say.
"What kind o' luck you been havin'?" the fella ast me.
"No luck at all," I says. "But if you're anywheres near as sleepy as your Missus, I and my wife should ought to clean up this time."
We didn't. They held all the cards except in one hand, and that was one my Missus tried to play. I bid first and made it a no trump, as they was three aces in my hand. Old Slumber began to talk in her sleep and says: "Two diamonds." The Missus bid two hearts. Mr. Sleeper passed, and so did I, as I didn't have a single heart in my hand and figured the Missus probably had 'em all. She had six, with the king high and then the nine-spot. Our female opponent had only two, and that left five for her husband, includin' the ace, queen and jack. We was set three.
"Nice work!" I says to the Missus. "You're the Philadelphia Athletics of auction bridge."
"What was you biddin' no trump on?" she says. "I thought, o' course, you'd have one high heart and some suit."
"You don't want to start thinkin' at your age," I says. "You can't learn an old dog new tricks."
Mrs. Nap's husband cut in.
"O' course," he says, "it's a man's privilege to call your wife anything you feel like callin' her. But your Missus don't hardly look old to me."
"No, not comparatively speakin'," I says, and he shut up.
They moved on and along come Garrett and Mrs. Messenger. I and Mrs. Messenger was pardners and I thought for a w'ile we was goin' to win. But Garrett and the Missus had a bouquet o' four-leaf clovers in the last two deals and licked us. Garrett wasn't supposed to be as smart as his wife, but he was fox enough to keep biddin' over my Missus, so as he'd do the playin' instead o' she.
It wasn't till pretty near the close o' the evenin's entertainment that I got away from that table and moved to Number Two. When I set down there it was I and Mrs. Collins against her husband and Mrs. Sleeper.
"Well, Mrs. Collins," I says, "I'll try and hold some good hands for you and maybe I can have two helpin's o' the meat when we come to your house."
The other lady opened her eyes long enough to ask who was winnin'.
"Oh, Mrs. Garrett's way ahead," says Mrs. Collins. "She's got a score o' somethin' like three thousand. And Mr. Messenger is high amongst the men."
"Who's next to the leadin' lady?" I ast her.
"I guess I am," she says. "But I'm three hundred behind Mrs. Garrett."
Well, the luck I'd just bumped into stayed with me and I and Mrs. Collins won and moved to the head table. Waitin' there for us was our darlin' hostess and Messenger, the two leaders in the pennant race. It was give out that this was to be the last game.
When Mrs. Garrett realized who was goin' to be her pardner I wisht you could of seen her face!
"This is an unexpected pleasure," she says to me. "I thought you liked the third table so well you was goin' to stay there all evenin'."
"I did intend to," I says; "but I seen you up here and I heard you was leadin' the league, so I thought I'd like to help you finish in front."
"I don't need no help," she says. "All I ast is for you to not overbid your hands, and I'll do the rest."
"How many are you, Mrs. Garrett?" ast Mrs. Collins.
"Thirty-two hundred and sixty," she says.
"Oh, my!" says Mrs. Collins, "I'm hopeless. I'm only twenty-nine hundred and forty-eight. And how about you, Mr. Messenger?"
"Round thirty-one hundred," he says.
"Yes," says Mrs. Garrett, "and I don't believe any o' the rest o' the men is within five hundred o' that."
"Well, Messenger," I says, "if the men's prize happens to be a case o' beer or a steak smothered in onions, don't forget that I'm payin' you thirty-five a month for a thirty-dollar flat."
Now, I'd of gave my right eye to see Mrs. Collins beat Mrs. Garrett out. But I was goin' to do my best for Mrs. Garrett just the same, because I don't think it's square for a man to not try and play your hardest all the time in any kind of a game, no matter where your sympathies lays. So when it come my turn to bid on the first hand, and I seen the ace and king and four other hearts in my hand, I raised Mrs. Collins' bid o' two diamonds, and Mrs. Garrett made it two no trump and got away with it. On the next two deals Messenger and Mrs. Collins made a game, and Mrs. Garrett got set a trick once on a bid o' five clubs. The way the score was when it come to the last deal, I figured that if Mrs. Collins and Messenger made another game and rubber, the two women'd be mighty close to even.
Mrs. Garrett dealt 'em, and says: "One without."
"Two spades," says Mrs. Collins.
Well, sir, they wasn't a spade in my hand, and I seen that if Mrs. Collins got it we was ruined on account o' me not havin' a trump. And w'ile I wanted Mrs. Collins to win I was goin' to do my best to not let her. So I says:
"Two without."
"You know what you're doin', do you?" says Mrs. Garrett.
"What do you mean, know what I'm doin'?" I says.
"No talkin' acrost the boards," says Messenger.
"All right," I says; "but you can depend on me, pardner, not to throw you down."
Well, Messenger passed and so did Mrs. Garrett; but Mrs. Collins wasn't through.
"Three spades," she says.
"Three without," says I.
"I hope it's all right," says Mrs. Garrett.
"I'll tell you one thing," I says; "it's a whole lot all-righter than if she played it in spades."
Messenger passed again and ditto for my pardner.
"I'll double," says Mrs. Collins, and we let it go at that.
Man, oh, man! You ought to seen our genial hostess when I laid down my cards! And heard her, too! Her face turned all three colors o' Old Glory. She slammed her hand down on the table, face up.
"I won't play it!" she hollers. "I won't be made a fool of! This poor idiot deliberately told me he had spades stopped, and look at his hand!"
"You're mistaken, Mrs. Garrett," I says. "I didn't say nothin' about spades."
"Shut your mouth!" she says. "That's what you ought to done all evenin'."
"I might as well of," I says, "for all the good it done me to keep it open at dinner."
Everybody in the room quit playin' and rubbered. Finally Garrett got up from where he was settin' and come over.
"What seems to be the trouble?" he says. "This ain't no barroom."
"Nobody'd ever suspect it o' bein'," I says.
"Look what he done!" says Mrs. Garrett. "He raised my no-trump bid over three spades without a spade in his hand."
"Well," says Mr. Garrett, "they's no use gettin' all fussed up over a game o' cards. The thing to do is pick up your hand and play it out and take your medicine."
"I can set her three," said Mrs. Collins. "I got seven spades, with the ace, king and queen, and I'll catch her jack on the third lead."
"And I got the ace o' hearts," says Messenger. "Even if it didn't take a trick it'd make aces easy; so our three hundred above the line gives Mrs. Collins a score of about ten more'n Mrs. Garrett."
"All right, then," says Garrett. "Mrs. Collins is entitled to the lady's prize."
"I don't want to take it," says Mrs. Collins.
"You got to take it," says Garrett.
And he give his wife a look that meant business. Anyway, she got up and went out o' the room, and when she come back she was smilin'. She had two packages in her hand, and she give one to Messenger and one to Mrs. Collins.
"There's the prizes," she says; "and I hope you'll like 'em."
Messenger unwrapped his'n and it was one o' them round leather cases that you use to carry extra collars in when you're travelin'. Messenger had told me earlier in the evenin' that he hadn't been outside o' Chicago in six years.
Mrs. Collins' prize was a chafin'-dish.
"I don't blame Mrs. Garrett for bein' so crazy to win it," I says to her when they couldn't nobody hear. "Her and Garrett both must get hungry along about nine or ten P.M."
"I hate to take it," says Mrs. Collins.
"I wouldn't feel that way," I says. "I guess Mrs. Garrett will chafe enough without it."
When we was ready to go I shook hands with the host and hostess and says I was sorry if I'd pulled a boner.
"It was to be expected," says Mrs. Garrett.
"Yes," I says; "a man's liable to do most anything when he's starvin' to death."
The Messengers and Collinses was a little ways ahead of us on the stairs and I wanted we should hurry and catch up with 'em.
"You let 'em go!" says the Missus. "You've spoiled everything now without doin' nothin' more. Every time you talk you insult somebody."
"I ain't goin' to insult them," I says. "I'm just goin' to ask 'em to go down to the corner and have a drink."
"You are not!" she says.
But she's just as good a prophet as she is a bridge player. They wouldn't go along, though, sayin' it was late and they wanted to get to bed.
"Well, if you won't, you won't," says I. "We'll see you all a week from to-night. And don't forget, Mrs. Collins, that I'm responsible for you winnin' that chafin'-dish, and I'm fond o' welsh rabbits."
I was glad that we didn't have to go far to our buildin'. The Missus was pleasant company, just like a bloodhound with the rabies. I left her in the vestibule and went down to help Mike close up. He likes to be amongst friends at a sad hour like that.
At breakfast the next mornin' the Wife was more calm.
"Dearie," she says, "they don't neither one of us class as bridge experts. I'll admit I got a lot to learn about the game. What we want to do is play with the Hatches every evenin' this week, and maybe by next Tuesday night we'll know somethin'."
"I'm willin'," I says.
"I'll call Mrs. Hatch up this forenoon," she says, "and see if they want us to come over there this evenin'. But if we do go remember not to mention our club or tell 'em anything about the party."
Well, she had news for me when I got home.
"The San Susies is busted up," she says. "Not forever, but for a few months anyway. Mrs. Messenger called up to tell me."
"What's the idear?" I says.
"I don't know exactly," says the Missus. "Mrs. Messenger says that the Collinses had boxes for the opera every Tuesday night and the rest didn't feel like goin' on without the Collinses, and they couldn't all o' them agree on another night."
"I don't see why they should bust it up on account o' one couple," I says. "Why didn't you tell 'em about the Hatches? They're right here in the neighborhood and can play bridge as good as anybody."
"I wouldn't think o' doin' it," says she. "They may play all right, but think o' how they talk and how they dress!"
"Well," I says, "between you and I, I ain't goin' to take cyanide over a piece o' news like this. Somehow it don't appeal to me to vote myself dry every Tuesday night all winter – to say nothin' o' two dollars a week annual dues to help buy a prize that I got no chance o' winnin' and wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it."
"It'd of been nice, though," she says, "to make friends with them people."
"Well," I says, "I'll feel a little more confident o' doin' that if I see 'em once a year – or not at all."
IV
I can tell you the rest of it in about a minute. The Missus had became resigned and everything was goin' along smooth till last Tuesday evenin'. They was a new Chaplin show over to the Acme and we was on our way to see it. At the entrance to the buildin' where the Messengers lives we seen Mr. and Mrs. Hatch.
"Hello, there!" says the Wife. "Better come along with us to the Acme."
"Not to-night," says Mrs. Hatch. "We're tied up every Tuesday evenin'."
"Some club?" ast the Missus.
"Yes," says Mrs. Hatch. "It's a bridge club – the San Susie. The Messengers and Collinses and Garretts and us and some other people's in it. Two weeks ago we was to Collinses', and last week to Beardsleys'; and to-night the Messengers is the hosts."
The Missus tried to say somethin', and couldn't.
"I been awful lucky," says Mrs. Hatch. "I win the prize at Collinses'. It was a silver pitcher – the prettiest you ever seen!"
The Missus found her voice.
"Do you have dinner, too?" she ast.
"I should say we do!" says Mrs. Hatch. "And simply grand stuff to eat! It was nice last week at Beardsleys'; but you ought to been at Collinses'! First, they was an old-fashioned beefsteak supper; and then, when we was through playin', Mrs. Collins made us welsh rabbits in her chafin'-dish."
"That don't tempt me," I says. "I'd just as soon try and eat a raw mushrat as a welsh rabbit."
"Well, we got to be goin' in," says Hatch.
"Good night," says Mrs. Hatch; "and I wisht you was comin' with us."
The pitcher we seen was called The Fly Cop. Don't never waste a dime on it. They ain't a laugh in the whole show!
