Kitabı oku: «The Amelia Fang Series»

CHAPTER 1

DROP BREAD GORGEOUS

It was a delightfully dreary Saturday evening. Amelia Fang munched on a bowl of Unlucky Arms cereal with her two best friends, Florence and Grimaldi. The big fluffy yeti and tiny grim reaper were staying over at the Fang Mansion for a weekend of frightful fun.

‘O.M.GENIES!’ cried Florence, picking up the box of Unlucky Arms. ‘YOU CAN WIN A LIMITED EDITION UNICORNELIUS PINE TOY?!’

Grimaldi Reaperton gasped and almost choked on his putrid pancake. ‘I LOVE Unicornelius Pine of Rainbow River!’ he spluttered. ‘I’ve watched ALL the episodes on Deathflix, and Grimama says she’ll get me a Unicornelius Pine jumper if I pass my Toad Trials this Halloween!’

Amelia read the back of the packet. ‘To win your very own Unicornelius Pine toy, all YOU have to do is find a silver unicorn horn in your cereal box . . .’

Florence grabbed the box and tipped the whole thing upside down. Green and blue arm-shaped cereal scattered across the tabletop and on to the floor. Amongst it all, just next to Grimaldi’s plate, glimmered something small and shiny. Florence gasped and lurched forward, grabbing the tiny object.

‘THAT’S NO ’ORN! IT’S A STAR,’ said Florence, looking dejected. ‘WHAT DO YOU GET WITH A STAR?’

Amelia studied the back of the cereal box and eventually found the answer in the small print. ‘If you find the precious star, then SMILE. It’s YOURS, because Unicornelius Pine thinks you are ALL stars! ’

Grimaldi smiled. ‘We’re staaaars!’ he said gleefully. ‘That’s the best prize ever!’

‘I FINK I MIGHT VOMIT,’ said Florence flatly. ‘I DON’T WANNA BE TOLD I’M SHINY AN’ AMAZING. I WANT THE TOY.’ She hurrumphed and carried on munching handfuls of cereal straight from the table.

‘So, what do you guys want to do first?’ asked Amelia. ‘Maybe we could take Squashy for a bounce to the Pumpkin Patch? I’ve heard there are lots of baby pumpkins sprouting up at the moment!’ Amelia’s pet pumpkin, Squashy, waggled his stalk enthusiastically at this idea.

‘Speaking of babies,’ said Grimaldi, ‘how much longer until your new brother or sister arrives?’

‘Hopefully th—’ Amelia began, before being cut off by a very familiar voice.

‘The toilet seat STILL ISN’T SHINY ENOUGH!’ Countess Frivoleeta’s shrill voice echoed through the Fang Mansion.

Amelia flinched. ‘Hopefully the baby will be here soon,’ she continued in a hushed voice. ‘Now Mum’s expecting a baby, she’s acting so weird. She won’t stop eating Foot Fudge and she never even liked it before! And then one minute she’s all happy and laughing, and the next she’s crying. And NOTHING is shiny enough any more. NOTHING! ’

Grimaldi shot an anxious look at his slightly toe-jam-smeared and not-very-shiny scythe blade.

Amelia gave an excitable wriggle. ‘But I REALLY hope the baby hurries up because I can’t wait to be a big sister!’

‘THAT’S WELL EXCITING!’ bellowed Florence through a mouthful of breakfast. ‘I WISH I ’AD A LITTLE BRUVVA OR SISTER. I’D TEACH ’EM ’OW TO BE THE BEST PRANCER IN THE KINGDOMS!’ Even though Florence was huge, she pranced as if she were as light as a feather. It was a very impressive sight.

‘If I had a little grim-brother or sister, I’d teach them how to sweep up dead toads without leaving a slimy mess,’ said Grimaldi, spreading some more toe jam on to his putrid pancake.

‘NICE,’ said Florence with a grimace. ‘AN’ YOU JUST USED THE SAME SCYTHE FOR SPREADING JAM THAT YOU USE TO SWEEP UP SQUISHED TOADS!’

‘I cleaned it on my cloak hood first,’ said Grimaldi, gazing innocently at Florence.

Amelia chuckled. ‘I can’t wait to introduce my baby brother or sister to you guys!’ she said. Squashy pa-doinged into Amelia’s lap and blew a raspberry.

‘And of course, the baby will be very excited to meet YOU!’ Amelia said, tickling Squashy’s tummy. He squeaked and smiled.

Amelia’s mother waddled into the kitchen. She had a very large tummy indeed, her usually immaculate beehive hairdo was a tangled mess, and her eyeballs were in the wrong sockets. She walked straight over to the fridge.

‘WHERE IS MY FOOT FUDGE?!’ she squawked, searching through half-eaten tubs of splattered spleen and mushy brain balls.

‘Uh oh,’ Amelia whispered to her friends. ‘I think Dad forgot to buy more fudge . . .’

Countess Frivoleeta turned around and gave Amelia a wobbly-eyed stern look. ‘WHO ate the last of my –’ Luckily, just at that moment, Amelia’s dad came running into the kitchen holding a big, stripy cardboard box.

‘HERE, my disastrous little wart-picker!’ said Count Drake, trying to catch his breath. He opened the box to reveal a freshly made batch of Foot Fudge. ‘I dashed to your favourite bakery, Drop Bread Gorgeous. And look, there are extra-crusty bits from in between the toes, just how you like it!’

Countess Frivoleeta’s bottom lip trembled. Then she sat down at the kitchen table and burst into tears.

Count Drake put an arm around his wife. ‘Why are you crying, darkling? I thought you’d be happy about the extra-crusty fudge?’

‘NO! It’s not that . . .’ said the countess as a long strand of snot dangled from her right nostril. ‘I just remembered something I saw last week. There was a mouldy bean on the ground outside. It was all by itself. So small . . . and mouldy . . . and bean-like!’

She let out a loud wail. Amelia, Florence and Grimaldi all tried very hard not to laugh.

BOOOOOOOONG!

The door gong echoed loudly through the Fang Mansion, covering the sound of the gang’s muffled laughter.

‘Are we expecting guests?’ asked Count Drake, sounding quite relieved at the interruption.

‘Maybe Wooo is back early from visiting his brother?’ said Amelia.

Wooo was the Fang family’s ghost butler. He kept everything in the Fang Mansion in order. But once a year he would take a well-deserved minibreak to visit his travelling brother, Fantom. Without Wooo around, things could get a little chaotic and messy, especially now that Amelia’s parents were distracted with preparations for the new baby.

Countess Frivoleeta suddenly stopped crying. Her eyes grew so wide that Amelia feared they might fall out.

‘Bothering bogeymen! ’ the countess shrieked. ‘That’ll be my sister, Lavitora. I completely forgot that I’d agreed to babysit her caticorns while she goes on an important work trip.’ She began shovelling handfuls of Foot Fudge into her mouth. ‘How on earth are we meant to look after three tiny creatures when we still have so much to get ready for our new baby?! He or she could be born any night now!’ Both Countess Frivoleeta’s eyeballs finally popped out on to the floor, rolling over to where Amelia stood.

‘It’s all right, Mum,’ Amelia said, wiping down her mum’s eyeballs and handing them back. ‘Florence, Grimaldi and I can help look after the caticorns while you and Dad take care of the baby stuff.’

The thought of looking after three fluffy little caticorns sounded like SO much fun. Amelia could already imagine them following her everywhere as her mum and dad looked on, telling each other what a brilliant big sister she would make!

‘What do you think, guys?’ Amelia smiled a big, fang-filled grin at her friends.

‘EASY-PEASY!’ declared Florence breezily.

‘And I’m very good with little creatures,’ said Grimaldi.

‘WELL, DEAD ONES ANYWAY,’ Florence pointed out.

‘Oh, thank you, my horrible little bin-lids,’ said Count Drake, smiling at everyone gratefully and putting an arm around Amelia. ‘That would be a massive help!’ He turned to the countess. ‘See, dear, everything’s going to work out juuuust fine.’

‘Oh, Amelia,’ said Countess Frivoleeta, stroking her daughter’s cheek and smearing Foot Fudge across it. ‘All grown-up . . . and . . . and . . .’

‘I FINK SHE’S GUNNA CRY AGAIN,’ Florence whispered loudly.

But before Frivoleeta had a chance to bawl her eyes out, a loud DONK DONK DONK filled the room, making her jump.

Grimaldi yelped and hid under the table as a face appeared at the kitchen window behind him.

‘COOO-EEEEEE!’ said a large prim-and-proper-looking lady. ‘Is anyone going to let us in? ’

‘I really need to get used to answering the front door while Wooo is away,’ sighed Count Drake. He waved at the window. ‘Be right there, Lavitora!’ he called, before muttering under his breath, ‘Do we have to let her in?’

‘I’ll get it!’ said Amelia, very excited at the thought of meeting her aunt’s little caticorns. Florence and Grimaldi followed, eager to meet the new guests, with Squashy pa-doinging along close behind.

Amelia pulled open the heavy wooden front door. ‘Hi, Aunt Lavitora!’

‘DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKLING!’ Aunt Lavitora’s shrill voice resonated through the house like nails scraping along a chalkboard.

Wearing a high-collared gothic dress with frills in places you’d never imagine, Aunt Lavitora strutted into the entrance hall carrying a large suitcase in one gloved hand and a bunch of withered roses in the other. She looked like a version of Countess Frivoleeta who had been stretched widthways. A messenger crow with a top hat and a monocle perched on her shoulder.

‘Amelia Fang!’ Aunt Lavitora oozed. ‘You were just a disgusting wrinkly little thing last time I saw you!’ Then she called over her shoulder, ‘Come on in, my little floofs!’

Amelia’s eyes widened as three caticorns with fluffy fur and shiny little horns trailed through the door. Amelia squealed in excitement. As they stood in a neat row, smiling sweetly, she thought that they were the most adorable creatures she’d ever set eyes upon (aside from Squashy of course!). Looking after them was going to be such a treat.

‘Amelia, darkling,’ said Aunt Lavitora. ‘Meet Gerrard, Butler and Mo.’

CHAPTER 2

GERRARD, BUTLER AND MO

Gerrard, who was wearing a small, frilly collar, twirled on the spot. Butler tapped a little tune with his claws and pinged the bow around his neck, and Mo – who was wearing a cute knitted jumper – adjusted her glasses before drawing an imaginary heart in the air with her paws.

Amelia thought her cold vampiric heart might just explode with love.

‘Hi, Gerrard. Hi, Butler. Hi, Mo!’ she said to each caticorn in turn. ‘I’m Amelia! And this is my pet pumpkin Squashy, and my best friends, Florence and Grimaldi.’

‘ALWITE, VERY SMALL CATS!’ said Florence with a wave. ‘OR DO YOU PREFER TO BE CALLED UNICORNS? OR UNICATS?’ She scratched her head. ‘THIS IS COMPLICATED.’

‘They’re caticorns, dear!’ declared Aunt Lavitora. Then she leaned in and dabbed Florence’s nose with one finger. ‘And what a delightful beast you are!’ she cooed.

Amelia put her head in her hands. Uh oh, she thought.

Florence straightened up and puffed out her chest.

‘I AM NOT A BEAST!’ she said loudly.

The caticorns whimpered. Florence spotted this and said as quietly as she could muster (which was still very loud indeed), ‘I’M A RARE BREED OF YETI!’

Then she bent down and patted the caticorns in turn. ‘SORRY, TINY UNICORN KITTIES, IT’S SUMFIN’ I SIMPLY ’AVE TO DO WHENEVER ANYONE SAYS THAT B-WORD.’

Aunt Lavitora stood in shocked silence. Amelia tried not to laugh.

‘Hellooooo, Gerrard, Butler and Mo! It’s very nice to meet you!’ said Grimaldi, trying to ease the tension. He waved his scythe around, narrowly missing Gerrard’s horn. The caticorns yelped and hid behind Lavitora’s skirt. ‘Oops, sorry about that!’ said Grimaldi, looking embarrassed. He put the scythe behind his back.

‘Now, now,’ said Lavitora, ushering the caticorns out from behind her. ‘Don’t be silly. Let’s show Amelia, the rare breed and Gary-Mouldy just how brave and brilliant you are.’

Florence narrowed her eyes. Grimaldi blushed.

Lavitora straightened Mo’s glasses, before addressing Amelia. ‘I literally JUST picked up my little darklings from Batwings Boarding School for the Bright and Beaming !’ she said. ‘Best school in the Kingdoms of the Dark and the Light, you know! They’re taught how to be polite and proper little creatures there, so I’m sure they’ll be very well behaved for you.’

Aunt Lavorita leaned forward so that the smell of her rotten raspberry perfume filled Amelia’s nostrils. ‘Here’s a suitcase full of gifts to keep them happy. There should be enough to amuse my precious little floofs for the whole night! I shall be back by moonset.’

She shoved the large suitcase into Amelia’s arms, then turned to her crow and said, ‘Monroe, did Professor McShady reply to my message about the cloud complex?’

Gerrard tugged on Aunt Lavitora’s skirt. ‘Mew,’ he said.

‘In a moment, darkling,’ said Aunt Lavitora, waving a hand at the little caticorn.

‘SQUAAAAAAAAAWK!’ replied the crow.

‘Thank you, Monroe,’ said Lavitora. Then she looked at Amelia and smiled. ‘Sorry about that. Being the boss of Manors and Morgues just takes up ALL of my time. Especially when the wealthiest leprechaun in the Kingdom of the Light wants to talk about building a new cloud complex in Glitteropolis! I am just sooooooo busy!’

Amelia couldn’t think of anything more boring than building a cloud complex. ‘I’d really like to be a pumpkinologist when I grow up,’ she said proudly.

Aunt Lavitora burst out laughing. ‘You strange little thing! You don’t want to do a grubby job like that!’

Amelia frowned and was about to respond crossly when her mother shuffled into the entrance hall.

‘Sister!’ called Countess Frivoleeta. She greeted Aunt Lavitora with a floaty kiss on both cheeks. ‘So awful to see you! ’

‘It’s been TOO LONG, Frivvy!’ said Aunt Lavitora.

‘Only ten years,’ mumbled Count Drake.

Countess Frivoleeta stamped on his toe.

Lavitora held out the bunch of withering roses to her sister. ‘Here! ’ she said.

Countess Frivoleeta looked surprised. ‘Oh! You shouldn’t have!’ she said as a dead petal fell gently to the floor.

Aunt Lavitora chuckled. ‘Oh, I didn’t!’ she said. ‘These are for ME. I just need you to hold them whilst I pull up my very expensive stockings. The roses were a treat to myself for selling another house in the Rickety Residences. Y’know, I’ve sold THIRTEEN AND A HALF houses in that area alone. AND I was just telling Amelia here about a very exciting deal with Professor McShady – the wealthiest leprechaun in the Kingdom of the Light!’ She yanked at her shimmering stocking and then took the flowers back.

Count Drake pretended to yawn and fall asleep. He sneaked a wink at Amelia, who tried very hard not to giggle.

‘Oh. That is very exciting to hear, sister,’ said Countess Frivoleeta flatly. ‘We’re all fine, by the way, in case you were wondering . . .’ But then she spotted the caticorns and gasped. ‘Goodness me, is that Gerrard, Butler and Mo?’ The countess leaned in a little closer and smiled sweetly. ‘It’s so lovely to finally meet you!’

‘They’re divine, aren’t they?’ said Aunt Lavitora absent-mindedly, pulling out a notebook from her top pocket and scribbling down some big numbers.

Butler tapped Aunt Lavitora on the elbow, trying to get her attention.

‘Not now, snookipoop,’ said Lavitora. ‘Mummy has important business to attend to.’

Countess Frivoleeta cleared her throat. ‘Well, would you like to stay for a cup of scream tea before you go?’

Not taking her eyes off her notebook, Aunt Lavitora held up a hand and carried on counting. Mo meowed and pulled on her frills.

‘Not yet, floofy!’ snapped Aunt Lavitora.

Monroe the crow squawked twice. ‘SQUAAAAWK! SQUAAAAWK!’

‘Oh, really?’ replied Lavitora. Then she looked at her sister and smiled. ‘I’d love to stay, but I must dash!’ Count Drake let out a sigh of relief. ‘Gerrard, Butler, Mo . . . be good little caticorns, won’t you?’ said Aunt Lavitora.

The caticorns nodded in unison.

‘Well, Amelia is going to help look after Gerrard, Butler and Mo,’ said Countess Frivoleeta proudly. ‘And she’ll show them what a FANGTASTIC big sister she’s going to be for this little one!’ She patted her tummy pointedly.