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16

It was planned that Miranda would be in Europe for a week before I was due to arrive. She settled for using some local assistants for the Milan shows – and would be arriving in Paris the same morning I was so we could work out the details of her party together, like old friends. Hah. Delta had refused to simply change the name on the ticket from Emily’s to mine, so rather than get even more frustrated and hassled than I already was, I just charged a new one. Twenty-two hundred dollars because it was fashion week and I was buying at the last minute. I paused for one ridiculous minute before forking over the corporate card number. Whatever, I thought. Miranda can spend that in a week on dry cleaning alone.

As Miranda’s junior assistant, I was the lowest-ranking human being at Runway. However, if access is power, then Emily and I were the two most powerful people in fashion: we determined who got meetings, when they were scheduled (early morning was always preferred because people’s makeup would be fresh and their clothes unwrinkled), and whose messages got through (if your name wasn’t on the Bulletin, you didn’t exist).

So when either of us needed help, the rest of the staff were obliged to pull through. Yes, of course there was something disconcerting about the realization that if we didn’t work for Miranda Priestly these same people would have no compunction in running over us with their chauffeured Town Cars. As it was, when called upon, they ran and fetched and retrieved for us like well-trained puppies.

Work on the current issue ground to a halt as everyone rallied to send me off to Paris adequately prepared. Three Clackers from the fashion department hastily pulled together a wardrobe that included every single item that I could conceivably require for any event Miranda could conceivably call on me to attend. By the time I left, Lucia, the fashion director, promised I would have in my possession not only an assemblage of clothing appropriate for any contingency, but also a full sketchbook complete with professionally rendered charcoal sketches depicting every imaginable way of pairing the aforementioned clothing in order to maximize style and minimize embarrassment. In other words: leave nothing to my own selection or pairing, and I’d quite possibly have a shot in hell – albeit slim – of looking presentable.

Might I need to accompany Miranda to a bistro and stand, mummylike, in the corner while she sipped a glass of Bordeaux? A pair of cuffed, charcoal gray Theory pants with a black silk turtleneck sweater by Celine. Go to the Pilates studio where she’d receive her private instruction so that I could fetch water and, if required, white scarves in case she schvitzed? A head-to-toe athletic outfit complete with bootleg workout pants, zip-up hooded jacket (cropped to show off my tummy, natch), a $185 wife-beater to wear under it, and suede sneakers – all by Prada. And what if maybe – just maybe – I actually did make it to the front row of one of those shows like everyone swore I would? The options were limitless. My favorite so far (and it was still only late afternoon on Monday) was a pleated school-girl skirt by Anna Sui, with a very sheer and very frilly white Miu Miu blouse, paired with a particularly naughty-looking pair of midcalf Christian Laboutin boots and topped with a Katayone Adeli leather blazer so fitted it bordered on obscene. My Express jeans and Franco Sarto loafers had been buried under a film of dust in my closet for months now, and I had to admit I didn’t miss them.

I also discovered that Allison, the beauty editor, did, in fact, deserve her title by literally being the beauty industry. Within twenty-four hours of being ‘put on notice’ that I would be needing some makeup and more than a few tips, she had created the Be-All, End-All Cosmetic Catchall. Included in the decidedly oversize Burberry ‘toiletry case’ (it actually more closely resembled a wheeled suitcase slightly larger than those approved by the airlines for carry-on) was every imaginable type of shadow, lotion, gloss, cream, liner, and type of makeup. Lipsticks came in matte, high-shine, long-lasting, and clear. Six shades of mascara – ranging in color from a light blue to a ‘pouty black’ – were accompanied by an eyelash curler and two eyelash combs in case of (gasp!) clumps.

Powders, which appeared to account for half of all the products and fixed/accentuated/accented/hid the eyelids, the skin tone, and the cheeks, had a color scheme more complex and subtler than a painter’s palette: some were meant to bronze, others to highlight, and still others to pout, plump, or pale. I had the choice whether to add that healthy blush to my face in the form of a liquid, solid, powder, or a combination thereof. The foundation was the most impressive of all: it was as if someone had managed to remove an actual sample of skin directly from my face and custom-mix a pint or two of the stuff. Whether it ‘added sheen’ or ‘covered blemishes,’ every single solitary little bottle matched my skin tone better than, well, my own skin. Packed in a slightly smaller matching plaid case were the supplies: cotton balls, cotton squares, Q-tips, sponges, somewhere in the vicinity of two dozen different-size application brushes, washcloths, two different types of eye makeup remover (moisturizing and oil-free), and no less than twelve – TWELVE – kinds of moisturizer (facial, body, deep-conditioning, with SPF 15, glimmering, tinted, scented, non-scented, hypoallergenic, with alpha-hydroxy, antibacterial, and – just in case that nasty October Parisian sun got the best of me – with aloe vera).

Tucked in a side pocket of the smaller case were legal-size pieces of paper with preprinted faces rendered on each one, enlarged to fit the page. Each face bragged an impressive makeover: Allison had applied the actual makeup she’d included in the kit to the paper faces. One face was eerily labeled ‘Relaxed Evening Glamour’ but had a caveat under it in big, bold marker that read: NOT FOR BLACK-TIE!! TOO CASUAL!! The nonformal face had a light covering of the matte foundation under a slight brush of bronzing powder, a light dab of liquid or ‘crème’ blush, some very sexy, dark-lined and heavily shadowed eyelids accented by jet black mascara’d lashes, and what appeared to be a quick, casual swipe of high-gloss lip color. When I’d mumbled under my breath to Allison that this would be utterly impossible for me to re-create, she looked exasperated.

‘Well, hopefully you won’t have to,’ she said in a voice that sounded so taxed, I thought she might collapse under the weight of my ignorance.

‘No? Then why do I have nearly two dozen “faces” suggesting different ways to use all this stuff?’

Her withering glance was worthy of Miranda.

‘Andrea. Be serious. This is for emergencies only, in case Miranda asks you to go somewhere with her at the last minute, or if your hair and makeup person can’t make it. Oh, that reminds me, let me show you the hair stuff I packed.’

As Allison demonstrated how to use four different types of round brushes to blow my hair straight, I tried to make sense of what she’d just said. I would have a hair and makeup person, too? I hadn’t arranged for anyone to do me when I’d booked all of Miranda’s people, so who had? I had to ask.

‘The Paris office,’ Allison replied with a sigh. ‘You’re representing Runway, you know, and Miranda is very sensitive to that. You’ll be attending some of the most glamorous events in the world alongside Miranda Priestly. You don’t think you could achieve the right look on your own, do you?’

‘No, of course not. It’s definitely better that I have professional help for this. Thank you.’

Then Allison kept me cornered an additional two hours until she was satisfied that if any of the fourteen hair and makeup appointments I had scheduled over the course of the week fell through, I wouldn’t humiliate our boss by smearing the mascara across my lips or shaving the sides of my head and spiking the center into a mohawk. When we were through, I thought I’d finally get a moment to race down to the dining room and grab some calorie-enriched soup, but Allison picked up Emily’s extension – her old phone line – and dialed Stef in the accessories department.

‘Hi, I’m done with her and she’s here right now. You want to come over?’

‘Wait! I need to go get lunch before Miranda comes back!’

Allison rolled her eyes just like Emily. I wondered if it was something about that particular position that inspired such expert demonstrations of irritation. ‘Fine. No, no, I was talking to Andrea,’ she said into the phone, raising her eyebrows at me – surprise, surprise – just like Emily. ‘It seems that she’s hungry. I know. Yes, I know. I told her that, but she seems intent on … eating.’

I walked out of the office and picked up a large cup of cream of broccoli with cheddar cheese and returned within three minutes to find Miranda sitting at her desk, holding the phone receiver away from her face like it was covered in leeches. She was due to fly to Milan that very evening but I wasn’t sure I’d survive to see it happen.

‘The phone rings, Andrea, but when I pick it up – because you’re apparently not interested in doing so – no one’s there. Can you explain this phenomenon?’ she asked.

Of course I could explain it, just not to her. On the rare occasion that Miranda was in her office alone, she sometimes picked up the phone when it rang. Naturally callers were so shocked to hear her voice on the other end that they promptly hung up. No one was actually prepared to speak with her when they called, since the likelihood of being put through was next to nil. I’d gotten dozens of e-mails from editors or assistants informing me – as if I didn’t know – that Miranda was answering the phone again. ‘Where are you guys???’ The panicked missives would read, one after another. ‘She’s answering her own phone!!!!’

I mumbled something about how I, too, received hang-ups every now and then, but Miranda had already lost interest. She was peering not at me but at my cup of soup. Some of the creamy green fluid was dripping slowly down the side. Her gaze turned to one of disgust when she realized I was not only holding something edible, but that I had clearly planned to consume it as well.

‘Dispose of that immediately!’ she barked from fifteen feet away. ‘The smell of it alone is enough to make me ill.’

I dropped the offending soup in the garbage can and gazed wistfully after the lost nourishment before her voice jerked me back to reality.

‘I’m ready for the run-throughs!’ she screeched, settling back into her chair more easily now that the food she’d spotted at Runway had been discarded. ‘And the moment we’re through here, call the features meeting.’

Each word caused another adrenaline surge; since I was never sure what exactly she’d be requesting, I was never sure if I’d be able to handle it or not. Since it was Emily’s job to schedule the run-throughs and the weekly meetings, I had to race over to her desk and check her appointment book. In the three o’clock slot she had scribbled: Sedona Shoot run-through, Lucia/Helen. I jabbed Lucia’s extension and spoke as soon as she picked up the phone.

‘She’s ready,’ I stated, like a military commander. Helen, Lucia’s assistant, hung up without saying a word, and I knew she and Lucia were already halfway to the office. If they didn’t arrive within twenty to twenty-five seconds, I would be sent out to hunt them down and remind them in person – just in case they might have forgotten – that when I’d called thirty seconds before and said that Miranda was ready right then, I meant right then. Generally this was a mere annoyance, yet another reason why the enforced footwear of spiky stilettos made life even more miserable. Running through the office, frantically searching for someone who was most likely hiding from Miranda, was never fun, but it was only really miserable when that person happened to be in the bathroom. Whatever one does in a men’s or ladies’ room, however, is no excuse for not being available at the exact moment your presence is expected, and so I had to charge right in – sometimes checking underneath the stalls for recognizable footwear – and politely ask in whatever humiliated way I could manage that they finish up and head to Miranda’s office. Immediately.

Luckily for everyone involved, Helen arrived within seconds, pushing an overflowing, off-kilter wheeled rack in front of her and pulling another behind her. She hesitated briefly outside Miranda’s French door before she received one of Miranda’s imperceptible nods and then dragged the racks through the thick carpeting.

‘This is all of it? Two racks?’ Miranda asked, barely looking up from the copy she was reading.

Helen was clearly surprised at being addressed, since, as a rule, Miranda didn’t speak to other people’s assistants. But Lucia hadn’t shown up with her own racks yet, so there was little choice.

‘Um, uh, no. Lucia will be here in just a moment. She has the other two. Would you like me to, uh, begin showing you what we’ve called in?’ Helen asked nervously as she pulled her ribbed tank top down over her prairie skirt.

‘No.’

And then: ‘Ahn-dre-ah! Find Lucia. By my watch it’s three o’clock. If she’s not prepared, then I have better things to do than sit here and wait for her.’ Which wasn’t exactly true, since it appeared she hadn’t yet stopped reading copy and it was now only approximately thirty-five seconds since I’d made the initial phone call. But I wasn’t about to point this out.

‘No need, Miranda, I’m right here,’ sang a breathless Lucia, herself pushing and pulling racks past me just as I stood to begin the search. ‘So sorry. We were waiting for one last coat from the YSL people.’

She arranged the racks, which were organized by clothing type (shirts, outerwear, pants/skirts, and dresses) in a half-circle in front of Miranda’s desk and gave the signal for Helen to leave. Miranda and Lucia then went through each item, one by one, and bickered over its place or lack thereof in the upcoming fashion shoot that was to take place in Sedona, Arizona. Lucia was pushing for an ‘urban cowgirl chic’ look, which she thought would play out perfectly against a backdrop of the red-rock mountains, but Miranda kept announcing snidely that she’d prefer ‘just chic,’ since ‘cowgirl chic’ was clearly an oxymoron. Maybe she’d had her fill of ‘cowgirl chic’ at B-DAD’s brother’s party. I managed to tune them out until Miranda called my name, this time ordering me to call in the accessories people for their run-through.

Immediately I checked Emily’s book again, but it was just as I thought: there was no accessories run-through scheduled. Praying that Emily had simply forgotten to put it in the book, I called Stef and told her Miranda was ready for the Sedona run-through.

No such luck. They weren’t scheduled for their run-through until late afternoon the following day, and at least a quarter of the things they needed hadn’t been delivered yet from their PR companies.

‘Impossible. Can’t do it,’ announced Stef, sounding much less confident than her words implied.

‘Well, what the hell do you expect me to tell her?’ I whispered back.

‘Tell her the truth: the run-through wasn’t supposed to take place until tomorrow and a lot of the stuff isn’t here. I mean, seriously! Right now we’re still waiting for one evening bag, one clutch, three different fringed purses, four pairs of shoes, two necklaces, three—’

‘OK, OK, I’ll tell her. But wait by the phone and pick up if I call you back. And if I were you, I’d get ready. I’m betting she doesn’t really care when it was scheduled for.’

Stef hung up on me without another word and I approached Miranda’s doors and waited patiently for her to acknowledge me. When she looked in my general direction and waited, I said, ‘Miranda, I just spoke with Stef and she said that since the run-through wasn’t scheduled until tomorrow, they’re still waiting for quite a few items. But they should all be here by—’

‘Ahn-dre-ah, I simply cannot visualize how these models will look in these clothes without shoes or bags or jewelry and by tomorrow I’ll be in Italy. Tell Stef I want her to give me a run-through of whatever she’s got and be prepared to show me photos of whatever isn’t here yet!’ She turned back to Lucia and together they returned to the racks.

Conveying this to Stef gave new meaning to ‘don’t shoot the messenger.’ She freaked.

‘I cannot fucking pull a run-through together in thirty seconds, do you understand me? It’s fucking impossible! Four of my five assistants aren’t here, and the only one who is here is a complete fucking idiot. Andrea, what the fuck am I going to do?’ She was hysterical, but there wasn’t much room for negotiation.

‘OK, great then,’ I said sweetly, eyeing Miranda, who had a knack of hearing everything. ‘I’ll tell Miranda you’ll be right here.’ I hung up before she dissolved into tears.

I wasn’t surprised to see Stef arrive two and a half minutes later with her one fucking idiot accessories assistant, a fashion assistant she’d borrowed, and James, also borrowed from beauty, all looking terrified as they carried oversize wicker baskets. They stood cowering by my desk until Miranda gave another imperceptible nod, at which point they all shuffled forward for the genuflection exercises. Since Miranda obviously refused to leave her office – ever – she required that all the overflowing racks of clothes and carts full of shoes and baskets brimming over with accessories must be schlepped to her.