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6. Measure for more self-confidence: Say "No" every now and then!

If you find it hard to say "no" every now and then, you often spend your time with things or people you would otherwise avoid. You may know that from yourself: How many times have you worked overtime for someone else because you couldn't refuse? How many dates have you been persuaded to date? How many times have you donated money to charities because you couldn't say "no" to the friendly representative at your front door? How many removals have you had to take part in, how many boring events have you been bored with and how many of your beloved things have you lent? All because you're always polite and don't want to offend anyone.

The whole thing has an unpleasant consequence: If it is always only about what others want and never about what you really think, then move away from yourself. Alienation takes place and your self-confidence suffers as a result. As time goes by, it even gets worse. In the truest sense of the word, they get used to always saying "yes" and to losing out themselves. On the other hand, the people who take advantage of it are getting a better sense of when they can use you for their purposes. That sounds hard, but it actually is.

For all these reasons it is very healthy for your self-confidence to say "no" again. This is not about categorically rejecting everything. It is about seriously questioning whether you really want what you are being asked to do. A self-confident person thinks and acts in his own interest. Accordingly, you should also begin to do this.

At this point there are often misunderstandings, so here comes an all-clear: No, it doesn't make you a bad person when you think of yourself. It doesn't make you selfish. So you don't have to feel guilty. On the contrary! People who want to take advantage of your weakened self-confidence should be ashamed. If someone really needs your help and it is a serious matter, you are of course welcome to help with words and deeds. If it is not an emergency, you have the right to ask yourself whether you really want to say "yes". In astonishingly many situations you will find that this is not the case. As you learned earlier in this e-book, it is not important what others think about you. First and foremost, every person is responsible for himself. This applies not only to you, but of course also to your fellow human beings. Whether you are kind enough to take on some of the responsibility of another person is entirely up to you. But always keep in mind that self-confidence is about you and your interests, not what others want.

The whole thing is probably easier said than done. Sometimes it can be very unpleasant to refuse a request or an invitation. That's why some people make the mistake of breaking their heads through the wall to get it over with somehow. They are rude, undiplomatic and hurt or annoy their fellow men. It doesn't have to be. You can make it easy on yourself. Just be honest and stand up for your interests. When someone asks you if you can take his shift at work, you just say, "I'm sorry, but I have plans." You don't have to tell your counterpart what you're going to do. You're not accountable to anyone. If the person doesn't let go, you can still become more specific and say, "I'm not on duty at the time and don't want to go to work either." Those who resent you have a problem with themselves, but not with you. That's why you can't care, even if it sounds selfish at first. The exception, of course, would be again if this were an emergency.

Do not be afraid to be honest and stand up for your interests. After all, it's about your valuable and limited lifetime. You should spend your time only with the things you are really interested in. Given the fact that there are already so many everyday commitments that prevent us from doing so, don't let others steal you more time.

If in doubt, just go the diplomatic way. Start your rejection with "don't take it personally, but...". Then something follows, like:

- "...I don't want that."

- "...I already have something else in mind."

- "...it just doesn't fit."

Make it clear to your fellow human beings that you do not like them any less and do not want to offend them personally, but are simply not interested in doing what they are trying to impose on you. I just can't blame you for that. And even if someone isn't emotionally mature enough to accept that, that's not your problem. A self- confident person overlooks it and continues to stand by himself and his attitude.

Try it out. Just say "no." Nothing can happen. Then you will find that you feel liberated and a little proud of yourself.

7. Measure for more self-confidence: Don't fool yourself and others

Sometimes we are not fully aware of it, but we are not always honest with ourselves or our fellow human beings. Don't worry, that's not a malicious insinuation on my part, but a simple fact. We are not talking about wanton lies with the intention of harming someone, but about avoidance tactics or a slight distortion of the truth in order to deal better with certain situations. You may know that:

We say we're doing fine when we're not. We say yes, although we'd like to say no. We disguise ourselves and adapt our character traits to please others. We shut ourselves off from others and avoid them because we have difficulties trusting and do not want to be hurt. Sometimes we even come up with quite bizarre things to make them seem more interesting. So we make our holidays in our narratives more adventurous than they actually were or polish up stories of experiences a little bit so that they provide for better laughs. All of this is basically more or less harmless, but in fact it is not real and thus causes alienation, i.e. less true self-confidence.

As you may have noticed while reading this e-book, it can be quite difficult to build a true self-confidence. Now imagine how difficult it is to develop an awareness of one's "second personality". The "second personality" is the double role that we often get involved with in everyday life. It is the facade that we show other people so that they either don't recognize our true emotional state or think of us as someone we would like to be but are not in reality. Whatever the purpose of this double role is: it cannot be good in the long run. Not only because it is difficult to remember what people have told whom about themselves, but also because we know deep inside that we are not doing ourselves any favours.

A self-confident person stands by himself, his feelings, his peculiarities and his current life situation. Just because he can. If you are self-confident, you are automatically completely honest with yourself and others. If there is something in your life that you are not completely satisfied with, you can change it. After all, you know your possibilities and trust each other sufficiently to initiate a change.

What makes you really interesting and unique is not what you might one day be or what you pretend to be to others. The really interesting thing is you, the way you are. In my coaching sessions, clients keep telling me that they find it so hard to make true friends even though they try so hard to be interesting. But this is precisely the mistake: it is not a matter of attracting others, but of finding people who like you the way you are.

The truth is that not all people will or can like you. In fact, there are relatively few people who find you great. This is to be found. But if they can't really get to know you because you're maintaining a façade, you're robbing yourself of precious opportunities to build lasting relationships with others. Through a façade you take the opportunity to get to know and appreciate yourself. In this way, you will distance yourself from yourself and become more and more unhappy. You are depriving others of the chance to discover the personality that is within you and may miss out on the friendship or even partnership of your life.

Always remember that it doesn't matter what others think about you. The only opinion about you that really matters is your own. If you radiate this to the outside, sooner or later people will become aware of you who think similarly to you. Give these people a chance to get to know the real you. Start feeling comfortable in your situation. You are who you are, and nothing changes. If there are circumstances in your life that you would like to see changed, make a commitment to change them. However, do not claim that it is already different if this is not the case. Stand by yourself. It's not your job to please anyone. Your goal is to be self-confident, to be honest with yourself and to know yourself. Don't lose sight of that!

8. Measure for more self-confidence: Declare war on your fears

Fears are a very sensitive issue and therefore I mention right at the beginning of this section that no counsellor can replace therapy. Especially not a short guide. This chapter is intended to gain more courage and self- confidence, but is not intended to combat serious phobias or anxiety disorders. However, the information you will find below may help you to gain a new understanding of fear and to get a firm grip on many things you are afraid of.

Hardly anything inhibits us as much as our fears. Who is little self-confident, has also no strong confidence in itself. Those who do not trust themselves face only a few challenges. Those who face only a few challenges and rarely experience success become anxious. For example, we are afraid of confrontations with other people or everyday challenges, such as exams or high demands at work. Sometimes it is also light phobias that make life difficult for us, such as the fear of insects, elevators or large crowds of people. Individually, these fears may seem harmless, but as they add up, the pressure they exert increases. They limit everyday life and rob us of our self- confidence. It's time to do something about it!

Any fear can be overcome. Maybe it's hard for you to believe that right now, but it is. If a fear can develop in you, it can also disappear again. Depending on their severity, this may of course take longer and require more action, but it is possible. You don't have to settle for any of your fears. It is helpful to take a look at what fear actually is. Basically, fear is a thought of something that has not (yet) happened and may never happen. For example, you are not afraid of an elevator itself, but of being trapped in it. However, it's not said that the elevator will get stuck after you get in. In the same way we are afraid of wild animals, because we don't want to get hurt. As a rule, however, these animals are completely harmless and would never harm us. The same principle applies even before difficult tests. We are afraid of not being up to the task. In reality, however, we do not yet know what we will be facing in concrete terms. Only when the time has come can we assess the situation and, in most cases, we find that all fears and worries were unfounded.

From this point of view, fears are therefore false assumptions that have become fixed in the subconscious due to negative experiences of the past. To combat them, there is only one proven means: to face them and prove to yourself that the feared bad scenario will not happen. Our subconscious needs solid evidence to change its beliefs. In plain language, this means that if you ride in an elevator and don't get stuck in it, you're scratching the wrong assumption you've had so far. If you then repeat this again, you will once again prove to your subconscious mind the opposite of its previous conviction. You automatically start rethinking and questioning your fear.

This principle works with all fears, even the most serious ones. In the case of deep-seated anxiety disorders and phobias, however, they should ideally be combated with professional support. After all, they can cause severe symptoms in us. However, you can tackle the less severe fears yourself.

Always remember: The fact that something in the past was not particularly positive does not mean that it always has to be that way. Once you have fainted in the midst of a crowd, you will not have to fear crowds in the future. It will most likely not happen to you again. This is exactly what we need to prove to ourselves. Face your fears and show yourself that they are unfounded. The resulting successes will give you a feeling of elation. They will regain more confidence in themselves. Their courage will be rewarded.

To face one's fears is an excellent method to strengthen self-confidence and self-love. If you are still hesitant and don't feel confident about it, seek the support of a person you can trust completely. Over time, you will become safer and no longer need help.

Be courageous and face the challenges you would otherwise avoid. After all, it's all about your self-confidence and your quality of life. It is your life and therefore you yourself decide how you feel. It's entirely up to you.

9. Measure for more self-confidence: Do what you have been missing for a long time

What unpleasant things are you putting off? Are they simple matters, such as household chores, that you have long wanted to take care of, but for which you cannot overcome? Is it perhaps something more serious, such as unpaid bills and unopened letters? Or are you perhaps avoiding other people with whom you should have a proper pronunciation? Whatever it is, postponements damage our self-confidence. They cause blockages and fears in us. The longer we shy away from taking responsibility for an unpleasant thing or situation, the heavier the burden becomes on our shoulders and in the back of our heads.

Being confident also means not putting things off. A self-confident person has sufficient confidence in himself to face every situation and challenge. You build all this up by starting to catch up piece by piece on what has been pushed open. Of course it takes more or less courage and overcoming in the beginning, but it is also rewarded in the end. Every little sense of achievement strengthens your confidence in yourself. Furthermore, the successes expand your awareness of your abilities. They get used to acting positively, success-oriented and self-confidently. Of course this will not escape your subconscious mind and so in time it will become normal for you to grab things right by the hair before they become unpleasant.

Look at it this way: You can't avoid things of conscience forever anyway. Sooner or later, you will have to complete certain tasks. You must face up to your fears and face the people with whom you still urgently want to talk about something. In the end, you have to take care of it anyway, so why not now? The longer you wait, the more damage you will suffer. Whether this is financial, social or emotional damage does not make much difference to us. What is certain is that you must act.

When we repress something or push it further and further into the background, inner blockages and emotional sensitivity arise. It's like sweeping dirt under the carpet to stop seeing it. Out of sight, out of mind. This may work well for a moment, but it becomes a problem in the long run. At some point you just have to tap on the metaphorical carpet and a whole avalanche breaks out. It's exactly the same with your mind. At some point you react so sensitively to certain topics that you introduce avoidance tactics and take real detours during conversations in order not to be confronted with the repressed from the back of your head. This behavior does not fit a self-confident person. It robs you of confidence in yourself and gives you the unpleasant feeling of being weak.

Get rid of it. Take a moment to think about what you're putting off. Go ahead and make a small list. No one needs to see her, just do it for yourself. Then think about the following two suggestions:

- What negative consequences can I expect if I don't deal with them promptly?

- I'm gonna have to deal with this sooner or later anyway. So I'd better do it now before it gets any worse.

In order to build healthy self-confidence, you need to know each other first and foremost. Remember that? So you need to know exactly what's bothering you. Then you must earn your own trust. You do this by showing courage and finally getting the ball rolling. Take on what you were afraid of so far. The resulting relief will give you a wonderful feeling. You'll know who gave you that elation: Himself. And already you are a bit more self-confident again!

10. Measure for more self-confidence: Promote your strengths and talents

There is one idiom that, while terribly counterproductive, is still used by most people. It's, "Self-praise stinks." You have certainly heard or even said this before and you have certainly encountered this "wisdom" for the first time in your childhood. Now I'd like to ask you two interesting questions: How can one be proud of oneself and one's abilities and develop a healthy self-confidence if one grows up with the principle that self-praise is a bad quality? And is it still surprising that most people derive their self-esteem from confirmation by others when they have learned that self-praise is not an option? As you can see, we are not doing ourselves any favours with the truism mentioned at the beginning. Self-praise doesn't stink. On the contrary. It is very good for the self-confidence to deal with one's strengths and talents.

You live your own life and are responsible for it. Accordingly, you yourself should also be the source of your appreciation and encouragement. If you need the praise of others to feel good, make yourself addicted. They distance themselves from themselves and are externally controlled, i.e. anything but self-confident. Therefore you should deal with your strengths. What are you particularly good at? What can you be proud of? What's your talent for? What skills or special expertise have you acquired over the last few years? How often is this used in your everyday life? Do you profit from it? Or are you afraid to take advantage of it because self-praise supposedly stinks?

Life is short. That makes it all the more important to spend your time doing what you really like to do. This is not a privilege reserved for a few or "special" people. It's simply your right, so make use of it. Do not fear the thought of making an arrogant impression if you are convinced of yourself and your possibilities. If you didn't talk about anything else all day long and rub it under your fellow human beings' noses permanently, it would probably really stink. As long as this is not the case, however, you can be completely unconcerned. Anyway, you don't care what anybody else thinks about you. We have already seen this a number of times. As the saying goes: A lion is not interested in what the sheep think about him. As a self-confident person you recognize the high value of your self- perception. The image that you have of yourself is much more important than the image that you may give to the outside world. So go ahead, be proud of yourself and what you're particularly good at. Take advantage of it as often as possible in your everyday life.

As a rule, we are particularly good at the things we like to do. If you invest your full passion, attention and energy into a thing or a project, something good comes out of it. Something to be proud of. You'll admire yourself for it. It will strengthen your self-confidence as you gain new insights about abilities. The resulting success will strengthen your self-confidence and the feeling of happiness will ignite your self-love. All you can do is win.

Whether you play an instrument, build something with your hands, play a particular sport or write a book is entirely up to you. If you're not sure what your passion or talent is right now, get adventurous and try a lot of things. You do this until you have found something that you really enjoy and that fills you with satisfaction. Such a simple thing can do a lot for us and our self-confidence. Do not underestimate this effect.

Never forget that self-praise doesn't stink. If you're not proud of yourself, then who is? Do you want to constantly wait for the confirmation of others and hope that someone will perceive you or simply provide for more self- confidence yourself?