Kitabı oku: «Undercover: The Adventures of a Real Life Gigolo»

Beginnings

Early August

‘We’ve been shafted, the bastards!’

Mark spat the words out across the kitchen table. He’d just shown me his bank statement, and the evidence was there in bright red. I looked down into my mug of tea and nodded. I knew what he meant. But the truth was, we well and truly hadn’t been. That was the problem.

‘Meet loads of girls. You’ll be sent out on six dates a week, and make £90 an hour…’

That was what the freesheet ad for the internet escort agency had promised us—and no doubt hundreds of other guys like Mark and me. Guys with too much male pride and not quite enough money to live on, who just assumed there would be women falling at our feet, and who were mugs enough to fork out £180 to register.

But in the three weeks since the two of us had coughed up our money, not one girl had called for Mark’s services. Nor mine.

I took a sip of my tea and looked across at Mark. It wasn’t even as if either of us was that bad-looking. Not that I’d ever admit I was good-looking. You got a clip for that in my family, for puffing yourself up. I’d been told that I looked a bit like the Spiderman actor, Tobey Maguire. Which was good enough for me. I was six foot tall with dark blond hair that bleached easily in the sun back home in Australia, while Mark’s hair was brown and he was slightly shorter than me. We worked out. Both of us had a reasonable Saturday-night success rate.

Mark shook his head. ‘This is London, for God’s sake. Where are all the girls?’ He took a digestive from the packet upended on the table and bit into it. He had a right to ask. It wasn’t as if we hadn’t seen enough of them falling over each other on any of our weekends out on the piss.

‘Not choosing to call out for a guy, presumably. That’s what blokes do.’

I could see the callbox windows in my mind’s eye, completely covered from floor to ceiling with brightly coloured ‘whorecards’. Blocking out the muted sunlight. That’d been my introduction to England nine weeks ago, dialling my mum to let her know I’d got here in one piece.

‘We can get a number for a girl from any phone box. But they can’t…’ I was working out the problem with our plan as I was saying it.

‘But that’s what the internet’s for!’ Mark spluttered, spraying crumbs. He swept them off the table with his forearm.

I ran a finger along the edge of the pine tabletop until it hit a dent in the wood. I drew my nail again and again through the groove and looked Mark in the eye.

‘Yeah, but they’re not looking because they’re not even aware that there’s a service for them. They take their chances on a Saturday night.’

Mark nodded: ‘Or go without.’

‘Exactly. And even if they knew there were guys they could pay for via their PCs, that doesn’t mean they’d do anything about it.’

I picked up my mug and took another gulp of tea, and thought of the callbox again and all the sex phoneline ads in the freesheets that I’d seen when I was trying to find somewhere to live. That’d been a grim time, sleeping on friends of friends’ grimy floors while all the while I could sense they didn’t really want me there. Sharing a room with Mark in this house for the past month had been a damn sight better than that, even with the beer cans clustered on the floor round the bin from when we hadn’t thrown straight. He’d been looking for someone to make up the rent and I’d seen his ad on Gumtree. It’d helped that the two of us had hit it off as soon as we’d met over a drink. Same small-town Aussie background, I suppose.

‘I mean, have you ever phoned for a hooker?’ I raised my eyebrows at him as I said it.

He shook his head. ‘Course not. As if I need to…’ he crowed.

I put my mug down. ‘Well then.’

And that’s when it hit me. What had we been thinking?

There was not even a market for sex with straight guys. Or not one that involved money changing hands. On the girl’s part anyhow.

‘They’ve well and truly buggered us, haven’t they?’ I sighed.

A grin crept up Mark’s face. ‘Thankfully not. And that’s something to be damn grateful for.’

We both laughed, but it couldn’t disguise the fact that each of us was seriously out of pocket. We’d taken a gamble on making easy money and lost.

‘Well, at least we can’t be the only ones who’ve fallen for this scam,’ said Mark. ‘Think about it. There must be hordes of guys across London,’ he continued, flinging his arm out as if to embrace the whole city and not just our poxy kitchen in a crappy area of West London, ‘just like us, weeping into their tea at what might have been!’

I sighed. Surely it was the ultimate part-time job. Screwing girls for cash. We could have waved goodbye to the crummy minimum-wage waiting and bar jobs and selling stuffed pittas while hung over from a stall at Camden Market for friends of friends who always paid shit money. God, London certainly hadn’t turned out to be all it was cracked up to be.

I looked down at my half-full mug and felt the cogs whirring even as he was saying it.

‘Well then, that’s how we make our money back, isn’t it?’ I suggested.

‘What?’

‘Look, there’s clearly enough money out there to make it worthwhile setting up an agency that gets guys to pay to sign on.’

Mark’s face momentarily fell. ‘What, and rip people off just the way we were? Come on.’

Miserably, I nodded. ‘I agree it’s not exactly ethical.’ I thought for a moment. ‘But then it’s not exactly not. What if we were to set up an agency, y’know, advertise our services to women, and ask guys to sign on? The blokes cough up, and of course we’ll give them work if there’s enough going, but we’ll always have first call. What is wrong with that? We can’t lose.’

Mark cocked his head to one side and shook it. But he was also smiling. ‘God, Luke. A couple of months in this country and you’ve turned into a London spiv!’

I smirked back. He raised his mug to mine and we chinked.

My mind was already in overdrive. We’d advertise in the London freesheets. We could do it cheaply, surely. Advertise for clients, and put something on the internet to draw in the men as well. And photos. Me, Mark and the lads, to give the girls something to choose from.

‘Face it, Mark. We’re broke. We might as well make a go of it. We’ve got nothing more to lose.’

I suppose I expected it to happen overnight. But of course it didn’t. And when it didn’t, it meant it didn’t seem real. It was just mates mucking about. Even after I’d spent fifty quid I couldn’t really afford on a box ad in a London magazine; even after we’d put a whole lot of our pictures up on the net. Seven of us had spent an afternoon taking photos of each other, all of us with a big grin on our faces in front of the drawn curtains in our lounge room so it looked like we’d hired a studio or something. So we were able to still kid ourselves that we were only having a laugh.

But we weren’t, were we?

Or, as it turned out, I wasn’t.

The phone rang. Mark and I were lounging on the sofa with our cans of Stella and having our last-night debrief. We looked at each other for a beat, and since he didn’t get up, I did and sauntered across the room.

‘Hi?’

‘Male Escorts Esquire? I saw your advert.’

Shit!

I pulled up a chair and sat down, half out of shock. The name we’d come up with wasn’t the greatest, but it had clearly done its job. I struggled to get my head into gear. She was the first to call—though I wasn’t about to let her know that, of course.

‘Hello, how might we help you?’

What have we got ourselves into?

‘Uh, I’ve never done this before,’ she mumbled. ‘I was wondering if you might be able to send me someone tomorrow evening?’

What was I thinking? I can’t do this. This isn’t for me. That was why I’d volunteered my phone number in the first place, so I could act the receptionist and palm off anyone who rang onto one of the others.

It was one thing to fantasise about girls phoning you for sex, it was quite another to be faced with the sheer reality of going with whoever happened to ask. Suppose she sounded better than she turned out to look? What did you do then?

This one wasn’t too young—I could tell by the tone of her voice—and she was clearly nervous.

Join the club.

I sat up straight on the dining chair and went into professional mode.

‘Is there anyone on the website you liked the look of? Sorry, your name is—?’

Mark’s ears pricked up. He stared across the room at me with excited saucer eyes and a smirk. I shook my head as a sign to him to ease up, and tried to focus on what was being said to me.

‘Jenny,’ she replied. ‘I don’t have a computer.’

Ah, definitely an older woman. Okaay.

‘Nice to talk to you, Jenny, I’m Luke. That’s not a problem. What would you like him to look like? We have a range of young men on our books.’

Mark stifled a guffaw and I shot a glare at him.

‘I’m not—I’m not sure,’ she stuttered.

So, she was indecisive. That wasn’t a problem either. All I had to do was make sure she was satisfied with the service. She didn’t sound as if she could cope with someone too bullish, like Simon, our resident rugby player. She needed a gentleman who wouldn’t frighten her off.

‘You sound nice.’ She laughed nervously. ‘Are you available?’

Fuck!

‘Thank you, Jenny, but, sorry, I’m not.’ I tried to sound calm and friendly though I felt out of my depth. ‘I tell you what, though, I’ll make sure you have a pleasant surprise.’

I took down her details and we said goodbye to each other.

As I put down the receiver, Mark started clapping.

‘Congratulations. You’ve just nailed our very first client!’

‘Yeah, and now we’ve got to decide which of us’ll have her. Will you go?’

I sat down beside him, and picked up my can from the floor.

‘What’s she like?’

‘She sounded old enough to be my mother.’

Mark grimaced.

I laughed. ‘You’ve just discounted Madonna.’

‘Er, yeah.’

‘All angles and humourless. Fair point,’ I agreed. ‘Hang on, I know who.’ I got up again and returned to the phone.

‘What? Who?’ quizzed Mark.

I pressed the buttons and put the receiver to my ear, leaning against the wall. ‘Rob, of course. He’s always game on. For one thing, he could do with the cash.’

‘Well, yeah,’ shrugged Mark. ‘He could always do with the cash. Isn’t that his problem?’

Rob had never quite got the hang of money, especially since his bank seemed so keen to give him more of it whenever he wanted. Except they had now decided to call in the debt. The magic had fallen out of the plastic.

Come on, Rob, I prayed. Pick up, pick up.

He eventually picked up.

‘Hey, Rob. It’s Luke. How’d you like to make a fast buck? We’ve had a client call for an escort and your name came up.’

Flatter the guy.

Across the room, one of Mark’s eyebrows arched up. Rob was up for it too. I could sense his excitement down the line.

‘I tell you what. As this is your first time, forget about the commission and just come back and tell me all about it and buy me a beer.’

I took a swig from my own can, and set it down on the seat of the chair beside me. I couldn’t help noticing that, across the room, both of Mark’s eyebrows were now up his forehead. The sense of that anger was a distraction even as I gave Rob the details. I ended the call, and confronted him.

‘What?’

‘How’s the business supposed to survive if nobody puts any money in the pot?’ he steamed as I sat back down.

‘Aw, I know, but if you can’t help out a mate, eh? Anyhow, it is our first ever call—not that Rob knows that. It won’t happen again.’

We sat in silence and drank our beer. Then Mark grinned, his spirits obviously lifting.

‘God, Luke, we’re officially launched. Can you believe it?’

I smiled and nodded. We high-fived.

Rob called after I’d finished at the café the following evening and was putting together my dinner. I could hear pub clatter in the background and hoped he wasn’t soaking up too much Dutch courage before his assignment.

‘Luke, I’m not sure about this. I don’t know if I can go through with it.’

Don’t get cold feet on me, Rob.

‘Don’t worry about it. Think of it like any other date. You meet, have a drink, you go back to her place…’

I picked at the peeling wallpaper around the phone. A previous tenant had used the plaster to jot down numbers that I sometimes wondered if I should call just for the hell of it.

‘Yeah, but I fancy my dates,’ Rob flung back. ‘What if I don’t fancy her?’

‘Well, that’s where the dosh comes in. Just think about the money!’

I thought of nervous Jenny wanting someone who’d treat her well, who wouldn’t ride roughshod over her. No, it wasn’t just about the money.

‘Look, Rob, everyone gets nervous their first time. Of course they do. She’ll be just as anxious. Take it easy.’

A slither of wallpaper came away in my hand, and I let it fall to the floor.

‘Did you get nervous, Luke? What was it like?’

I gulped. He had no idea he was the first of any of us to test out our escort scheme.

I evaded the question. On the carpet beneath the phone was a growing pile of peelings that needed a good vacuum. If we’d had a vacuum cleaner.

‘It’s different for everyone. You’ve got to go out there and make your own mark. Be every woman’s dream!’

‘Yeah, right,’ said Rob, not sounding at all confident.

‘You know what to do, of course you do. You’re used to scoring, yeah? Just be a bit more of a gentleman when you go about it.’ On second thoughts: ‘Unless of course she requests otherwise.’

There was a chuckle on the other end of the line. That was better.

‘Okay, okay.’

‘Don’t worry. You’ll be fine,’ I reassured him. ‘Just be careful you don’t drink too much beforehand. You want to make a good impression.’

‘Will do.’

‘And I want to hear all about it afterwards. Now, go forth and enjoy yourself.’

When he called back around ten thirty, Rob was clearly back in the pub. He sounded as if he’d won the Lottery.

‘Easiest hundred and fifty quid I ever fucking made,’ he shouted over the bar hubbub.

‘Told you you’d be fine,’ I laughed, caught up in his high spirits.

‘Nah, you’ll never believe it. She didn’t want to go through with it.’

‘No!’ I was gob-smacked.

‘You bet. We met at Dunkin Donuts, like you said. Off Piccadilly. And it lasted about forty minutes and we just had a cup of coffee. And that was it. We never even reached the hotel. And she still paid me!’

The jammy bastard.

‘If it’s that fucking easy, send me out to every woman you get,’ he burbled.

‘If it’s that fucking easy, Rob, I’ll keep them all to myself.’

Jenny called the following week. The only call we received. We weren’t about to make a living out of this game just yet. Nor escape my shifts at the café and the pub anytime soon.

‘Hello, Luke, it’s Jenny.’

My mind went blank for a second. Jenny? I’d been so rushed off my feet with the waiting this week I’d almost forgotten about our advert. But then it all flooded back, and I went into receptionist mode straight away.

‘Hello, Jenny, it’s lovely to hear from you. Rob told me he enjoyed meeting you last week.’

Didn’t he just.

‘He was very nice.’

‘See, I told you I’d give you a pleasant surprise,’ I boasted.

‘Yes, thank you. Um…’

There was an awkward silence. I jumped in feet first. This was a business we were running, after all.

‘Is there anything we can do for you? Perhaps you’d like to see him again?’

When she spoke next, her voice was halting and quiet:

‘The thing is, Luke, I’d like to meet you.’

You fucking bet. Rob’s just made one hundred and fifty quid. Count me in.

‘Is that allowed?’

This time I was ready. But first I had to cover myself so Jenny didn’t start wondering why the last time she called I was just the receptionist.

‘Well, Jenny, as it happens, we do have a policy when there’s a run on the boys.’ Like heck we do. ‘We’d hate to leave any of our clients waiting.’

‘So we can meet?’ There was a hopeful girlishness to her voice.

‘Certainly, Jenny.’

I began mentally spending the money on some decent jeans, a couple of CDs, and putting something towards the phone bill. The calls back home cost a bomb. And she’d even be paying for the coffee!

‘Oh, I’m so glad. Because this time I want to go through with it. I want you to make love to me, Luke.’

There was a screech of brakes in my head.

Just my fucking luck.

‘When would you like me to visit? And if I could take your address,’ I asked, through gritted teeth I hoped she couldn’t detect.

I scribbled down her details, said goodbye and hung up.

Yep, we were officially launched, Mark. Well and truly fucking launched…