Kitabı oku: «Falling Out Of Bed»
“Dad,” I finally said.
He turned around and his expression was a study in wonder. He gestured to the world outside. “You know, life is really beautiful.”
I went over to the window, stood next to him. More light flooded the room, us, the yard.
“It is, isn’t it?”
“I’d forgotten how really wonderful life is.”
“Most mornings I come out here and take a few minutes to enjoy it.”
“You’re a smart girl.” He stared at me for a moment. “I was just thinking how much I’ve missed. I was always working.” He sighs. “Trying to make buildings perfect.” He glances out to the yard again. “But life doesn’t have to be perfect, does it?”
“Maybe our flaws are beautiful, too.” I think about this, hope it’s true, feel good that we’re talking. We both stare at the yard and, suddenly, it turns bright with sunlight.
Mary Schramski
Mary Schramski began writing when she was about ten. The first story she wrote took place at a junior high school. Her mother told her it was good, so she immediately threw it away. She read F. Scott Fitzgerald at eleven, fell in love with storytelling and decided to teach English. She holds a Ph.D in creative writing and enjoys teaching and encouraging other writers. She lives in Nevada with her husband, and her daughter who lives close by. Visit Mary’s Web site at www.maryschramski.com.
Falling Out of Bed
Mary Schramski
MILLS & BOON
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From the Author
Dear Reader,
The idea for Falling Out of Bed came to me through a conversation with a dear friend. Over cups of tea we talked about what we thought to be important in our lives, and how those ideals guide us. After our conversation, I began imagining a character struggling with what she believed in and how her family might help her evolve. Melinda is the brave protagonist in Falling Out of Bed, the one who learns about love, hope and believing in things she cannot explain.
Sincerely,
Mary Schramski
www.maryschramski.com
To you, the reader
If winter comes, can spring be far behind?
—Percy Bysshe Shelley
Even the seasons form a great circle in their
changing, and always come back again to where
they were. The life of a man [woman] is a circle
from childhood to childhood and so it is in
everything where power moves.
—Black Elk
CONTENTS
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHAPTER TWENTY
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
PROLOGUE
Second Week in October
I’ m on my knees by the oak tree. For my forty-second birthday my father sent me fifteen daffodil bulbs from a mail-order catalog. I don’t garden, so after I opened his gift I walked down to Elizabeth’s house and asked her how to plant them.
She smiled, patted my shoulder. “Dig really deep, Melinda. Then wait for miracles to appear in the spring.”
I looked at the bulbs. “All that from daffodils?”
“Oh, they’re more than that. They prove there’s always hope.” Then she reached inside the box, touched one of the rough woodlike seeds and looked at me. “We all need hope.”
I shook my head, laughed. “I guess you’re right, but my life’s pretty wonderful right now. I’m not sure why my father sent me these. Maybe I’ll find out someday.” I closed the box, gave her a hug and walked home.
The telling autumn breeze washes over me and I stare at the daffodil bulb in my palm. The tiny orb looks so dark against my skin. How can something so hard and ugly produce a delicate flower?
CHAPTER ONE
First Week in January
“D ad’s back still hurts,” I say as I walk into our family room. My husband is sitting in his recliner watching TV and canned laughter fills the room.
David looks at me. “It’s probably just a pulled muscle. Your father’s healthy as a horse. He’ll be fine.”
“I know.” Deep down I’m not sure this is true, but I press my lips together, tell myself not to worry. At seventy-two years old, Dad’s a health nut, a runner, a person who is never sick.
David turns his attention back to the TV. The huge Sony big-screen, the actors and the fake laughter have taken over our living room as they do most nights. The woman on TV is having a baby and the entire family—husband, children and mother-in-law—are in an uproar, worried and nervous for her.
Our lives, on the other hand, are easy. Our only child is doing well in college, by choice I haven’t worked in over a year, and David is happy. I taught junior high for eighteen years, but I quit because I was bored and dreaded going in each day. We didn’t need the money and now I spend my time volunteering at the library, thinking about what I’d like to do when I go back to work, and keeping our house immaculate.
David, in the TV’s shimmery light, looks rested from our uneventful weekend. He laughs again and the sound echoes against the ten-foot ceilings of our home. My husband loves TV. He always has. When we were first married, I asked him why he watched so much. He explained that watching TV was the only thing to do while his mother worked nights.
This was the opposite of what I experienced. When I was growing up, before my mother and father divorced, the four of us sat in our living room, listened to music and read.
I guess parts of our childhoods stay with us forever.
For a moment, there is a square of silence before another TV commercial comes on. I hear the winter wind moving outside. It is extremely cold tonight and for some silly reason I think about the daffodil bulbs I planted months ago and wonder if they are all right.
I lie back on the couch, pull the soft beige Pottery Barn throw over my legs and open the book I was reading before Dad called. Yet the feeling my father’s backache is something more slips around me like a silk curtain.
Every once in a while I experience a weird intuition I can’t deny. These intuitive feelings aren’t anything supernatural or scary, but since I was about eight, some things turn out exactly the way I know they will. When this happens I always feel uncomfortable.
The most poignant one was the time when I was eight months pregnant. I dreamed about our unborn daughter Jennifer. I saw her dark thatch of hair, her beautiful slanted eyes and cupid lips. That morning, right after I woke, while David was still sleeping and sunlight sprang into the bedroom, I had no doubt our child would be a girl. And I was overjoyed even though David was hoping for a boy. Our daughter was born with the beautiful little face, the one that appeared in my dream.
Women seem to understand this story better than men. When I tell a woman about my Jennifer dream, she usually nods and smiles. Men don’t. David thought my dream was a coincidence. But I knew it wasn’t. And I tried to explain to him how I felt like a fraud and guilty about my best friend Vanessa’s death. How I couldn’t stop wondering why, if I have this intuition, I didn’t know my college roommate shouldn’t have gone for a ride with her boyfriend the night their car overturned.
David always says to forget all that. But it’s not that easy.
I’ve explained to Elizabeth about my intuition and she claims it’s a gift from God. Elizabeth and I are different in that way—she has a strong faith, I don’t. Before Vanessa’s death I believed there was some sort of God and maybe a plan for us all. But after, it was like someone took a rag and wiped my beliefs away. Now I think life is just a big petri dish.
David laughs again, looks over at me. “That was funny.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t watching.”
“Your Dad’s gonna be okay, Melinda. Quit worrying.”
“I know.” I smile and he smiles back, but at this moment, underneath my happy facade, I know our lives will never be the same.
My father and I are talking on the phone again.
I’m determined to cheer him up. Last night I left David to his TV shows and went to bed early. This morning I woke feeling better, upbeat. Beautiful winter sun was blazing into each room of our home and I thought, Of course Dad will be fine. Before I could phone him, my mother called and I told her about Dad’s backache.
“Stanley has always been strong as an ox. He’s flawless, and if he isn’t, he’ll make himself that way. Don’t worry, he’ll survive,” she said.
Her words of encouragement made me feel even better.
“I know I’ll be okay, honey,” Dad says through the phone line. “But my back sure hurts.”
“Does Motrin help?” I’m happy I can give him moral support and a little advice. We aren’t close and I’ve always wanted to be.
“No.”
“The doctors in El Paso will fix you up. Once you get their diagnosis, you’ll be better.”
Dad is going to an orthopedic surgeon this afternoon in El Paso, fifty miles from Las Cruces, New Mexico, where he lives. I wish we lived closer so I could drive him to the doctor. He and I see each other maybe once every three years. The last few years since his retirement, we’ve talked more on the phone and it’s nice. But this morning Grapevine, Texas, seems very far away from Las Cruces.
“Maybe today the doctors will have an answer,” he says.
“Of course. Call me when you get back with the good news.”
We say goodbye. I walk into the living room where there is a mélange of family photos on the wall. I study the photo of my mother and Dad before they divorced—smiling, standing close. Then my gaze settles on a worn black-and-white picture—my father at six months—staring into the camera with a look of baby surprise. His thatch of dark hair and slightly slanted eyes remind me of my daughter Jennifer.
I touch the glass with my right index finger, hope I don’t leave a smudge.
Of course you’ll be okay.
Of course.
For nine hours, David and I have been speeding down ribbons of Texas and New Mexico highways in my blue Toyota Camry. He is driving and I have asked him three times not to go over seventy-five but he won’t slow down. A little while ago I gave up trying to save our lives. Instead I got my stack of magazines from the back seat and began flipping through the glossy pages in an effort to not worry about my father.
The car slows and I look up. We turn off the freeway—the El Paso Exit 7. I sigh. We are here to lend moral support to my father who was diagnosed with bone cancer three days ago. When Dad informed me of what the doctors had found, I told him I would drive to El Paso to be with him, help him. He didn’t say, No, don’t come, but wondered out loud how I was going to make the drive alone. I pulled the phone away from my ear, looked in disbelief at the receiver, then reminded myself my father hadn’t been around much when I was growing up and maybe that’s why he didn’t think of me as an adult.
I look over at David as he navigates through the El Paso streets. I was surprised when he said he’d come with me. I imagined him staying home, working his regular thirteen or fourteen hours a day on his projects. But yesterday he called from his office, told me he’d rearranged his appointments so he could drive me to El Paso.
I was happy I wouldn’t have to make the trip alone. I’ve never told him or my father I don’t like El Paso with its dirty air and the long drive up the snakelike highway to Dad’s condo in Las Cruces.
“There it is,” David says.
I look through the windshield, see the large sign: El Paso Hospital.
“Yeah, there it is.”
David makes the turn then parks in the parking lot that spans two blocks. I climb out of the car and take a deep breath. The air is cold, dry, and I feel like a twig about to snap. I take my husband’s hand as we walk through the double doors and begin looking for Dad’s room. David’s skin is warm, moist. We stay connected, and for a few soft moments I feel young and in love. When we find the room number Dad gave me, we break apart.
My father is propped up in bed. His tanned, muscled arms contrast the stark white sheet and blanket. He is staring out the window and doesn’t hear us come in.
“Dad.”
David walks to a chair in the farthest corner, places his hand on the back.
“Hi, Melinda.” Dad’s brown eyes are wide.
I cross the space between us and hug him as my heart pounds harder.
“I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry.” I begin to cry. He starts crying, too, his lips pulled into a shape I’ve never seen before.
“I’ll stand right by you through this,” I say, feel like I’m in a movie speaking words someone wrote.
“Hey, let’s not get carried away around here,” David booms from his chair. “This is curable, you know.”
I turn, look at him. David’s expression is one I don’t recognize even though we’ve been together for twenty-two years. I pull away from my father. My husband has never been good with showing his emotions and this is just more proof.
“Hey, Dave, how’s it going?” Dad says as if he wasn’t crying a moment ago.
“Stan, how ya’ doing?”
“Not so well. I guess you heard.”
“Don’t worry, they have lots of new methods for curing cancer.”
I walk to the window across from the hospital bed and the two men slip easily to where they feel comfortable—talking about architecture and David’s work. My father retired three years ago, but before, everyone thought it funny I married an architect—the same occupation as my dad.
They begin talking about David’s latest contract and my father’s strong voice fills the room. I look out the window. Below, at the back of the hospital, is a small play area with swings, a little bit of grass. The spring before my parents divorced, most evenings, Dad and my mother took my sister Lena and me to the small park by our house. We would run to the swings, squealing, hop on. A moment later Dad would stand next to us and instruct us on how to pump our legs to make the swings go higher, then he would explain velocity.
I was so afraid I would fall, but I gripped the metal chains, pumped my legs hard because I wanted to show him I could do better than Lena, swing perfectly. That spring I felt I could touch the cool spring sky with my bare toes.
My mother always sat at a picnic table silently watching us.
“Melinda?”
I glance over to Dad.
“Yes?”
“Would you mind picking up Jan from the airport? I don’t want her to take a cab.”
“Jan’s coming here?” I point to the floor and my father nods.
After my parents divorced, Dad married Jan, but then they divorced five years later. She’s never wanted anything to do with my sister or me. I know this because when David and I moved to our new house in Grapevine, Dad stayed with us for two days on his way to Mexico. While I was unpacking dishes and David was at his office, I asked my father why we never spent a Christmas together after I turned sixteen. I was feeling brave, in the mood to fix our distant relationship.
There was a long silence, then he rubbed his face. “Jan never wanted me to have too much to do with you kids. I shouldn’t have listened to her, but…” He got up from the couch and walked back to the guest room, closed the door.
I have never figured out what he was going to say. His life has always seemed so ideal. But that day I wanted him to tell me he was sorry. Before I had always thought my father didn’t want to be close, he was a loner, as my mother had often said when she’d tried to explain him.
Silly as it sounds, his confession made his distance from me easier to think about and validated why I never liked Jan.
“Jan’s coming here?” I ask again, then smile, try to cover up my disappointment.
Three months after he and Jan were married, when I was sixteen, I visited my father for the last time. Jan backed me against the kitchen counter and explained in her breathy, Marilyn Monroe voice the many ways my father hated my mother. After, she put her index finger to her pursed lips and swore me to secrecy.
“Yeah, she thought I might have to have back surgery and she volunteered to take care of me while I was recovering. But that’s all changed.” He turns, stares out the door as if he’s looking for someone. “So will you pick her up?”
“Of course I will.”
I glance at my husband. We make eye contact and David raises his right eyebrow slightly. I turn away, tell myself the whole thing with Jan was a long time ago, she and my father are friends, and I need to get over any hard feelings.
“It would be easy for her to take a cab from the airport,” David says.
I shake my head, try to signal to him to be quiet. Like most husbands, there are times he drives me crazy.
My father’s expression turns to worry and he pulls back the blanket a little.
“It’s okay, Dad. I can pick her up.” I glance at David, narrow my eyes. “I’d love to pick her up.” And I wonder if all families play nice games, move tiny dry lies around so they don’t have to talk about what they’re really thinking.
“Thanks. I know she’ll appreciate it.” And then his gaze fills with something I’ve never seen before—maybe it’s a mixture of appreciation and fear, but I just don’t know my father well enough to be sure.
CHAPTER TWO
I watch Jan walk into the El Paso airport baggage area. She sees me, smiles, and I wave. I haven’t seen her in years, but she looks the same—slim, pretty, but a little older. She’s wearing a purple sweater and black stretch pants with a filmy lavender scarf draped around her shoulders.
“Hi,” I say.
To my surprise, she wraps her arms around my shoulders, hugs me. She is smaller than I remember—for some reason I think of her as being bigger.
“How are you?” I ask.
She brushes at her sweater and her curly red hair falls forward a little. “This is what they’re wearing in Seattle.”
She has the same breathy Marilyn Monroe whisper. She looks up and studies me for a long moment. “How’s Stanley?”
“He seems a little depressed, but I guess that’s to be expected. We have a meeting with the doctor tomorrow, so we’ll get some answers then.”
She nods, stares at me again.
I’m still stunned that my father is ill. When the nurse brought in all his pills this afternoon, I was amazed by the number. My father was always the one who insisted my sister and I eat whole-wheat bread when it wasn’t popular, drink skim milk when no one else in the neighborhood drank the translucent liquid.
“I can’t imagine my life without Stanley.” Jan’s voice sounds more childlike.
“A lot of people survive cancer. They have so many new treatments.” I have the urge to tell her about my intuition—the dread I felt a few days ago but managed to push back. I’m determined to stay upbeat.
She looks at me, eyes wide. “That’s all I’ll let myself think about, too.”
“Good.” I pat her arm and we walk to the baggage carousel.
When we reach my car, I place Jan’s huge suitcase in the trunk.
“It’s so cold.” She hugs herself. “I didn’t think it would be this cold here.”
“Did you bring a coat?”
She shakes her head.
“How long can you stay?”
“I’ll stay as long as Stanley needs me.”
“I brought an extra coat. You can borrow it, if you want. Or we can go buy you one tomorrow.”
“Thanks. That’s nice of you.”
We climb in the car. I turn on the heater and soon we are out of the parking lot and on the highway to the hospital. I look over and she smiles at me then runs her fingers through her hair.
“Stanley and I were going to take a driving trip to Colorado after he got better from his back surgery.” She sighs. “You know how he loves to travel.”
“I bet you still will be able to. This afternoon, at the hospital, he told me about that trip.”
“I just can’t believe Stanley has cancer.” She shakes her head and her feathery voice fills the car.
“It’s nice you came to help my father.”
She touches my shoulder. “I’m sorry about Stanley.”
My muscles relax a little. “I know, so am I. It just seems weird that Dad’s sick. He’s never sick.”
“It’s going to be okay.” Her eyes narrow a little and she pats my right arm again then stares straight ahead.
She still has a pretty profile. When I first met her, she told me she loved being an Earl Carroll showgirl in Hollywood. I smile at the memory. When I was young, I was fascinated that Jan was a dancer. After my parents’ divorce, my mother and I fought a lot, sometimes bitterly. I was probably looking for a friend, and I wanted so much for Jan to like me.
Maybe now we can get to know each other a little better.
“How are Bob and Verna?” she asks halfway to the hospital.
“Fine. They brought Dad to El Paso the other day.” Three years ago, when Dad retired, he planned to move to Seattle. He and Jan were going to try to live together again, but they had a major blowup, over what I don’t know. Then, suddenly, Dad moved to Las Cruces where his friends the Skillys live.
I park in the hospital parking lot and we go inside. David is sitting in the same chair where I left him, reading a Time magazine, and Dad is staring out the window.
“Hey, look who’s here.” I smile, make an effort to sound and look happy.
Dad turns, sees Jan and his expression softens.
“Hey, honey, how are you?” Dad’s voice is not as tense as it was before I left for the airport.
Jan starts to cross the space between them, but in the middle of the room she stops, begins to sob and covers her face with her hands.
“Oh, Stanley! I can’t believe this is happening.” Jan manages to go to my father and hug him.
I look at David. This is just the kind of behavior that makes him uncomfortable. He rolls his eyes.
A moment later a nurse walks in with a tray. “Mr. Howard, here’s your dinner.”
Jan, now sitting on the edge of the hospital bed, straightens, looks at her. Her face is streaked with tears and smeared black mascara rims her eyes.
“Hello,” she says. Her normal voice is deep and reminds me of a cartoon cat. We reshuffle, Jan in a chair by the bed, holding my father’s hand, David and I sitting across from them. After the nurse leaves, we dive into conversation about Jan’s flight as if it’s a heated swimming pool.
My father doesn’t eat, only takes two sips of water. Jan begins eating large forkfuls of chicken and mashed potatoes. Suddenly my husband shakes his head and I know he’s going to say something I won’t like.
“Don’t you think Stan should be eating that?” he asks Jan.
She stares at him, still chewing, spoon midair. “Well, I—I’m hungry.”
“There’s a cafeteria downstairs.”
I laugh nervously, give everyone my let’s play nice smile. My father’s ex-wife is here to take care of him. And I want to think about other things besides illness and making an ex-stepmother happy.
David and I are standing by Dad’s hospital bed, listening to Dr. Garces talk about my father’s condition. The doctor is younger than I imagined he would be. Jan isn’t here. When she heard we were meeting with Dad’s doctor, she decided to go to the gift shop to buy her grandson a present.
“Your father’s cancer has metastasized from his prostate and settled in his spine,” Dr. Garces says in a quiet voice. “I’m going to refer him to an oncologist in Las Cruces.”
David and I nod and Dad stares straight ahead, doesn’t move. I have questions that have been roaming around my mind for days—like how long it will be before my father gets better—but I can’t make the questions come out of my mouth. I guess I’m afraid if I ask a question and there’s a negative answer, the desperate look on my father’s face will deepen.
“What’s really important is we keep a positive attitude,” Dr. Garces says.
“I think so, too. I read somewhere that a positive outlook can really help any illness,” I say, then smile.
“No one can predict how the cancer will progress. If a patient and his family are positive, it has a better effect on everyone.”
I focus on my father. He looks as if someone has just turned a garden hose on him. I’m on the verge of crying, but I shake the feeling away. My tears won’t help him and that’s all I want to do.
“I think that’s right,” I say instead.
“If you have any questions, call me, anytime.” Dr. Garces shakes my father’s hand, then ours and walks out of the room.
David and I sit in our chairs. I expected the doctor to tell us my father’s cancer is very curable and he should have no problems recovering, that in a few months his life will be back to almost normal. But all he really told us was that Dad would be seeing another doctor and to keep a positive attitude.
Jan walks into the room, hugging a large, fuzzy, brown teddy bear. She stops in the middle of the room, glances from face to face, and her expression crumbles. She puts the teddy bear on the bed at my father’s feet and sits in the chair closest to him.
“Stanley, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
David gets up, walks into the hallway, and I follow him to give my father and Jan some time alone. My husband leans against the wall, folds his arms.
“We probably should go home tomorrow.” His tone is flat, dry.
“What?”
He stares at the floor and then looks at me. “I’ve got work waiting for me at the office. Besides, there’s not a lot we can do here.”
My heart begins to pound and my mouth feels dry. I know he has things to do at work, and this isn’t his responsibility, but it’s so nice to have my husband here while I try to help my father.
“I’d like you to stay. I know it’s not a lot of fun, but I want to be here for a few more days to make sure Dad’s okay.”
David shakes his head. “You should come home, too. Your father will be okay with Jan here.” He nods back toward the hospital room. “The doctor said he’s going to release him tomorrow.”
“Maybe I can make Dad look at his condition more positively. He seems a little depressed. I mean, I would be, too, but maybe I could help him see that his attitude is going to affect his recovery time.” I stop, look down the hall and then back to David, hoping he’s smiling, but he isn’t.
“I wish Dad would have asked the doctor some questions.” I gesture to the room.
“Maybe he doesn’t want to know the answers.” David stands straighter, uncrosses his arms. “It’s got to be tough for him.”
At least this is something we both agree on.
David and I are at our neighbor Elizabeth’s house. She and her husband Brad invited us over for dinner. We came home from Las Cruces three days ago, the day my father was released from the hospital. I never managed to cheer up my father, and I’ve been worried about him since we left.
Yesterday Elizabeth called and I gladly accepted her invitation to dinner. I want to be with friends, laugh and not worry for a few hours. Elizabeth invited another couple, Jim and Deanne Smith. The six of us have spent many evenings together, like this one, enjoying drinks, eating dinner, talking about the neighborhood. Sometimes Deanne and I talk about our children. Elizabeth and Brad don’t have children, yet she seems happy to hear about my Jenny and Deanne’s two.
Right now, our husbands are standing at Brad’s bar, a throwback from his bachelor days. They are laughing about something. David is behind the bar, and I’m happy he is having a good time.
Deanne, Elizabeth and I are sitting on stools at the kitchen counter. Stuffed manicotti bakes in the oven and everyone is drinking Sapphire gin and tonics. If someone were to look through the kitchen window right now, they would see a perfect evening.
Elizabeth touches my hand and I turn toward her.
“I’m glad you and David came over.” She takes a sip of her drink and I watch the lime slice bob between the ice cubes.
“Yeah, it’s good we can all get together,” Deanne says.
I don’t feel as close to Deanne. At times, she’s distant, almost cold, the opposite of Elizabeth. I felt an instant connection with Elizabeth when we met eight years ago at one of David’s work-related dinners. Elizabeth is a hospice nurse and Brad has worked with David for years.
“I’m glad we’re here, too. After the last few days, I need some laughs.” I glance over at David again. He’s listening intently to Jim. He looks nice in his long-sleeved white shirt and khakis. I catch his eye, lift my glass and he does the same.
“How’s your father?” Deanne asks. She studies her left hand and picks at the cuticle of her ring finger.
Elizabeth takes my hand and squeezes it for a moment. “Yeah, how’s he doing?”
“Dad’s doing great,” I say, although this isn’t true.
Deanne looks up. “What did the doctors say?”
“That Dad needs to keep a positive attitude. The cancer came from his prostate. You know, he’s never been sick a day in his life. But he’ll be okay. He’s so strong.” I force myself to smile. I feel like I’m about to cry, but I don’t want to do that here.
How can I explain that the doctor never really gave us any real information except that we need to stay positive? And since David and I came home, my father won’t come to the phone when I call?
“That’s understandable,” Elizabeth says in her calm voice. “You know, if you wanted, you could bring him here, and I could help you take care of him.”
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