Kitabı oku: «Jessie's Parrot», sayfa 7

X.
A GAME OF CHARACTERS

AT home or at school, studying, working or playing – for the latter she had little heart now – Gracie could not shake off the weight that was upon her mind and spirits. Even her work for the fair had lost its interest; and as for the mat, Nellie's mat, she could not bear the sight of it. She went to sleep at night thinking of it, and trying to contrive some way out of her difficulty, though she would not listen to the voice of her conscience which whispered that there was but one way; and she woke in the morning with the feeling that something dreadful had happened. Appetite and spirits failed; she grew fretful and irritable, and her mother imagined that she must be ill, though Gracie resolutely persisted that there was nothing the matter with her, and that she felt quite well.

"Gracie," said Mrs. Howard one morning after three or four days had passed, "it appears to me that you are not doing much on your mat. How is that?"

"I don't care," answered Gracie, fretfully. "I don't believe I'll finish it. I'm tired of the old thing."

"That will not do, my child," said her mother. "You have undertaken to do this for your grandmamma and for the fair, and I cannot have you stop it now without some good reason. Bring the mat to me."

Gracie went for the mat very unwillingly, though she dared not refuse nor even show her reluctance.

"It really does you credit," said Mrs. Howard, taking it from her hands: "it is so smooth and even, and you have kept it so neat. But you must be more industrious, dear, if you are to have it finished in time. And see, Gracie," she continued, looking at it more closely, "these last few lines look not quite as nicely as the rest. There is a difference in the work, and you will have to take more pains than you have done here. It looks almost as if another person had worked it. You have not let any one help you with it, have you?"

"No, mamma," replied Gracie in a low tone and with a frightened feeling. Was there really such a difference between her work and Nellie's that it was so easily detected?

It had not occurred either to her or to Hattie, perhaps they did not know, that the work of two different hands seldom or never matches well upon embroidery in worsted, and that it is almost sure to be perceived. She was dismayed at the thought that her mother had noticed this, and now every stitch that she took seemed to make the difference more plain, take what pains she might.

She began to feel angry and indignant at Hattie for leading her into this sin, shutting her eyes to the fact that, if she had not allowed proud and jealous thoughts to creep into her heart, temptation would not have had so much influence over her.

She no longer took any pleasure in the society of her little friend, and shrank from her in a way that Hattie perceived, and by which she was hurt; for she was disposed in her own mind to throw all the blame upon Hattie, forgetting that she was really the most to blame, since she had been better taught, and saw more clearly the difference between right and wrong.

As for Nellie, poor, innocent, injured Nellie, Gracie felt as if she could not bear the sight of her; and when she saw in what a gentle, patient spirit she took her great misfortune, – for so all the children considered it, – she grew more and more ashamed and lowered in her own sight. Pride and self-esteem could not now blind her to the fact that Nellie was better, far better, than herself.

Meanwhile the change in Gracie was exciting the wonder of all, the pity of some, of her young friends and schoolmates. Only Hattie held the clew to it; and she was surprised that such "a trifle," as she considered it, should have such an effect upon Gracie and make her so unhappy.

But Gracie was not a really bad or deceitful child, although she had suffered herself to be led so far astray. She was not naturally more unkind or selfish than most of us who have not the love and fear of God before us; indeed she was what children call "generous" in giving or sharing what she had, and she was always glad to do a helpful or obliging act for another. But she had always trusted to her own strength, and believed she could not fall, and now she was learning that her high thoughts of herself, and her carelessness of what she considered little faults, had made her an easy prey to temptation and the indulgence of a foolish pride and jealousy had led her into this great sin into which she had not imagined she could fall. But although she saw this now, she was not truly repentant; for she would not take the only right and true way to make amends; and spent her time wishing vain wishes, and trying to contrive some way out of her difficulty without bringing disgrace upon herself or losing her character for honor and truthfulness among her young companions. It troubled Gracie far less to think how she already stood in the eyes of God, than it did to imagine how she might appear in the sight of her earthly friends if this thing were known.

There was a small children's party at Mrs. Bradford's. Gracie did not care to go; indeed she would much rather not have done so: but her mother had accepted for her, and she had no good excuse for staying away.

She was more restless and miserable than usual that afternoon: she set up her opinion against that of all the rest, found fault with her playmates in every game that was begun, was more than usually sure that she knew every thing and could do better than any one else, and, not having her wits and thoughts about her, miserably failed in all the plays in which she meant to shine.

"What shall we play now?" asked Bessie at length, when they had all tired of some romping game.

"Let's take a little rest, and play 'Characters,'" said Gracie, who was very good in this, having no match among her present playmates save Maggie.

"Well," said Maggie, willing to please her if possible, although she saw some objections to the game just now; "we'll play it; but it is rather hard for the younger ones, so we must take easy characters. Who'll go out?"

"I will," said Lily; "but mind you do take an easy one. Somebody we know very well, not any history or jography character. I don't want to bother my head about lesson people when I'm playing."

"Very well," said Maggie; and Lily went out, singing loudly in the hall that she might "be sure and not hear."

"Let's take Cromwell," said Gracie, always anxious, no matter what her frame of mind, to display her knowledge.

"No," said Maggie, "that's too hard for Lily; and she wants us to take some one we know."

"I should think any goose might know about Cromwell," said Gracie.

"We did not know about him till a few weeks ago," said Dora Johnson. "We've only just had him in our history, and I don't b'lieve Lily knows much about him."

"Then take Lafayette," said Gracie.

"Lily means some of the people we have in our own lives," said Bessie. "Make haste: she'll be tired."

This was seconded by Lily's voice calling from without, "Why don't you make haste? I should think you were choosing a hundred people."

"Let's take Flossey," said Belle, looking at the dog, who had jumped upon a chair beside Maggie, where he sat with a wise and sedate air as if he were listening to all that passed, and ready to take his share in the game.

This was agreed upon by all but Gracie, who declared that it was "ridiculous to choose a dog," and she had "a great mind not to play the game in such an absurd way."

Lily was called in and proceeded to ask her questions.

"Male or female?" was the first, beginning at Dora.

"Male," answered Dora.

"Black or white?" asked Lily.

"Neither," said Belle, who was next in turn, "least he's not black at all; but he's some white."

Lily looked rather puzzled at this.

"And what color besides is he?"

"Brown," answered Bessie.

"A brown and white man," said Lily. "Oh! I know. It's old black Peter."

"No, no, no," echoed around the circle.

"Not one scrap of Peter is white," said Mamie Stone. "He's the blackest old man I ever saw."

"Part of his eyes are white and his teeth too," said Lily, who was generally pretty sure of her ground when she stated a fact. "Where does he live?"

"In this country," said Nellie.

"In this city?"

"Yes," answered Maggie.

"Is he good or bad?"

"Good, most generally," answered Mabel; "only sometimes pretty mischievous."

"Oh," said Lily, light beginning to break upon her. "Can he talk?"

"He tan't talt, but he tan bart pretty well," said Frankie, to whom the question fell.

"Oh! oh! that's too plain," cried one and another laughing; and Maggie, thinking Frankie did not understand the game well enough to be allowed to go out, gave a hint to Lily, but not wishing to hurt her little brother's feelings took refuge in the French language, and said: —

"Ne guessez pas a lui."

Frankie, however, was too sharp for her; there was not much that escaped him, and he exclaimed in a very aggrieved tone that it was "not fair," and that Lily should guess at him.

So Lily said "Flossey" was the character; and, amid much laughter, the young gentleman betook himself to the hall with a pompous air, telling the little girls to make haste.

"Let's take himself," said Bessie, which being agreed upon, Frankie was called back almost before he was well out of the room.

"Is he blat or white?" he asked, following Lily's example, and beginning as she had done at Dora.

"He's white," said Dora laughing; and, in obedience to a suggestion from Maggie to help him out, she added, – "white, with brown eyes and red cheeks and brown hair."

"Flossey," cried Frankie triumphantly.

"No, no; not Flossey again," said the children.

"Does he have four feets?" asked the little boy.

"No, only two," said Belle.

"Does he live in the stable?" asked Frankie.

"No, he lives in this house," said Bessie.

"Blackie," said Frankie, who was unable to give up the idea that since it was not Flossey it must be the little pony owned by his sisters.

"Does he eat hay?" was his next question.

"No," answered Nellie, "he eats fruit and meat and bread and milk, and, oh! how he does love sugar and candy!"

"Me," cried Frankie, feeling that this description exactly suited himself.

The character having been guessed at Nellie she now went out, and Maggie, willing to put Gracie in a good humor if possible, asked her who they should take this time.

"Mary, Queen of Scots," answered Gracie promptly.

It was not altogether probable that the younger children knew much of this unfortunate lady, but Gracie's choice was acceded to and Nellie called.

"Male or female?" was of course the first question.

"Female," answered Dora.

"Old or young?"

"Um – m – m, pretty old," said Belle; "at least she was grown up."

"Is she alive now?"

"No," answered Bessie.

"Where did she live?"

"Well," said Lily, "she lived in a good many places. But not in this country. Generally in France or Scotland."

"Oh," said Nellie to whom this answer gave an inkling of the truth; but she passed on to the next.

"Was she good or bad, Maggie?"

"Some think her quite celestial and some think her quite infernal," answered Maggie with grand emphasis; "but on the whole I think she was not either, only rather middling like the most of us."

Nellie felt more confident than ever; but not caring to risk one of her three guesses as yet, she passed on. The questions she put to Mabel and Frankie were simple and very easily answered; then came Gracie's turn.

"What was she celebrated for?"

"For cruelty and persecuting people," answered Gracie confidently; and Nellie's idea was at once put to flight by the reply.

"That's a mistake," said Dora. "You are thinking of another character, Gracie."

"I'm not, either," said Gracie. "Don't I know history better than any of you?"

"You don't know that, anyway," said Maggie. "Gracie, you are wrong. She was not the character you are thinking of, and was not celebrated for that."

"But she was," persisted Gracie.

"Nellie," said Maggie, "you need not guess by what Gracie has told you, for she is not right."

"I'll put my question another way," said Nellie. "Can I ask Gracie once again?"

All agreed and Nellie asked, —

"Was she celebrated for her beauty and her misfortunes?"

"I shan't tell you," said Gracie snappishly. "If I do, I shan't be believed, but they'll all go and contradict me. I suppose I know what I know; and any of you might be proud if you knew as much history as I do and had kept the head of the class so long."

Gracie had for a moment forgotten how disgracefully she had lost her place at the head of the history class, but the silence that followed her ill-tempered speech brought it back to her and increased her vexation.

"You all think you know so much," she said, throwing herself back sullenly in her chair.

Bessie had begged Lily to bear with Gracie and not to aggravate her as she seemed so miserable and out of spirits, and Lily had been very forbearing; at least, so she thought. But now her small stock of patience was quite exhausted and she exclaimed vehemently: —

"Gracie, we try to stand you; we do try with all our might and main; but you use up every bit of standing there is in me!"

This did not mend matters in Gracie's present state of mind, but led to a pretty severe quarrel between her and Lily which the others vainly tried to heal, Lily being rather provoking, and Gracie obstinately sullen and ill-tempered.

It ended in a violent burst of tears from the latter, and a declaration that she would go home at once. But this was impossible, since it was now evening; and the children's supper-time being near at hand, Mrs. Bradford could not just then spare a servant to go home with Gracie.

No soothing or coaxing proved of any avail, nor did Lily's repentance; for she was sorry now that she had been provoking, and would readily have kissed and made up if Gracie could have been persuaded to do so.

Gracie said that she would not stay where Lily was, and went sulkily upstairs to the room where Maggie and Bessie slept.

XI.
CONFESSION

GRACIE expected and wished to be left to herself till it was time to go home; at least she thought she did, and she had quite made up her mind that if any one came and begged her to go down to supper she would steadily refuse.

She stood there with all manner of unhappy and wretched feelings, wishing vain and fruitless wishes, as she had so often done since she had fallen into this sin, – that she had never allowed Hattie to tempt her into doing what she knew to be wrong; that grandmamma had never made this plan or offered to put a price on the different pieces of work; that she had never gone to the school, or that Nellie had never belonged to it; but still she did not think of wishing that she had not thought so much of herself or been so very anxious above all things to be first.

Poor Gracie! Only those can tell how unhappy she was who have themselves so fallen and so suffered. There was no way out of her trouble but by confessing all the truth, and she could not bring herself to that.

She had not closed the door when she came in, and presently she heard a gentle foot-fall, then Bessie's soft voice, saying, "Are you in here, Gracie?"

There was no light in the room save the faint glimmer of moonlight which came through the window, and as Gracie stood in the shade, Bessie did not at first see her.

"Yes, I'm here, but I don't want any supper, and I'm not coming down till I go home," answered Gracie, not as ungraciously as she had intended to speak, for somehow she could not be disagreeable to dear Bessie.

"Supper is not quite ready yet, and you shall have some up here if you had very much rather not come down," said Bessie with a coaxing tone in her voice; "but you'd better come down, Gracie. They're all very sorry for you and don't think you meant to be cross, 'cause Nellie said she was sure something troubled you for a good many days, or you did not feel well, and that often made people impatient, so we ought not to be mad at you."

Gracie made no answer, but presently Bessie heard a low sob.

"Gracie, dear," she said, coming closer to her little friend and putting her arms about her neck, "something does trouble you, doesn't it? Couldn't you tell me what it is, and let me see if I could comfort you? Sometimes it makes people feel better to tell their troubles and have some one feel sorry for them."

The caressing touch, the tender manner, the earnest, pleading voice were too much for Gracie, and, throwing herself down on a chair, she buried her face in her arms and sobbed bitterly.

Bessie let her cry for a moment, for the wise little woman knew that tears often do one good for a while, and contented herself with giving soft touches to Gracie's hair and neck to let her know she was still beside her and ready to give her her sympathy.

At last Gracie raised her head and said brokenly, "Oh, Bessie, I am so bad! I am so wicked!"

"I don't think being rather – rather – well, rather cross, is so very wicked," said Bessie, hesitating to give a hard name to Gracie's ill-temper, "and if you are sorry now and will come downstairs, we'll all be very glad to see you."

"Oh, it isn't that," sobbed Gracie. "Bessie, if you knew what I've done, you'd hate me. I know you would."

"No, I wouldn't," said Bessie. "I'd never hate you, Gracie. I'd only be sorry for you and try to help you."

"You can't help me. No one can help me," said Gracie, in a fresh paroxysm of distress.

"Can't your mamma? Mammas generally can," said Bessie.

"No, not even mamma," answered Gracie. "Oh, Bessie, I do feel as if it would be a kind of relief to tell you; but you'd hate me, you couldn't help it; and so would every one else."

"Every one else need not know it because you tell me," said Bessie. "Tell Jesus, and ask Him to help you, Gracie."

"Even He can't," said Gracie; "at least – at least – not unless I tell other people who ought to know it."

"Do you mean He would want you to tell it?"

"Yes, I s'pose so," almost whispered Gracie.

Bessie considered a moment. That Gracie was full of a vain, foolish pride and self-conceit, she knew; also that she was not the Gracie of a year or two since; but that she would wrong any one she never dreamed, and she could not imagine any cause for this great distress.

"Gracie," she said, "I think by what you say that you must have done something to me. I can't think what it can be; but I promise not to be angry. I will be friends with you all the same."

"It was not you; no, it was not you; but, Bessie, it was such a dreadful thing and so mean that you never can bear me after you know it. You are so very true yourself."

"Have you told a story?" asked Bessie in a troubled voice.

"Not told a story, but I acted one," sobbed Gracie. "O Bessie! sit down here and let me tell you. I can't keep it in any longer. Maybe you'll tell me what to do; but I know what you'll say, and I can't do that."

Bessie did as she was requested, and, in as few whispered words as possible, Gracie poured her wretched story into her ears.

Bessie sprang to her feet, and her arms which she had clasped about Gracie's neck fell away from it. It was as the latter had feared; this was so much worse than any thing Bessie had expected, she was herself so truthful and upright, that her whole soul was filled with horror and dismay. No wonder that Gracie was distressed. This was indeed dreadful.

"I knew it, I knew it," said Gracie, burying her face again. "I knew you never could bear me again. It seemed as if I couldn't help telling you, Bessie; but you never, never will speak to me again. I wish – I wish – oh, I almost wish I was an orphan and had no one to care for me, so I could wish I was dead, only I'm too bad to go to God."

Sympathy and pity were regaining their place in Bessie's heart in spite of her horror and indignation at what Gracie had done, and once more she sat down beside her and tried to soothe and comfort.

She succeeded in part at least. Gracie's sobs grew less violent, and she let Bessie persuade her to raise her head. Then they sat side by side, Bessie holding her hand.

"What would you do, Bessie?" asked Gracie. "I know I ought to tell, but I don't see how I can. It will be such a disgrace, and all the girls will have to know, and I've made such a fuss about myself, and always thought I never could do any thing that was very bad. And now this."

And now this!

Yes, after all her boasting, after all her self-confidence, her belief that she could not and would not fall into greater sin through her own conceit and vanity.

Bessie knew all this; knew how confident Gracie had been in her own strength; knew what a bitter shame and mortification it must be to have this known; knew that it must be long before she could regain the trust and respect of her schoolmates after this thing should once be told. During the last few months Gracie had lost much of the liking and affection of her little friends; but not one among them would have believed her capable of deliberate deceit or of that which was not strictly honest.

Ah! it was a great and terrible fall. Bessie felt this as well as Gracie.

But she knew also that there was but one thing for Gracie to do; but one way in which she could have any peace or comfort once more.

Bessie was not the child for Gracie to put confidence in, if she expected advice that was not plain and straightforward.

"What shall I do, Bessie?" she repeated.

"I think you'll have to tell, dear," said the pitying little voice beside her.

Gracie actually shrank in a kind of terror at the thought; and yet she had known that this was what Bessie would say.

"Oh! I can't, I can't; I never can," she moaned.

"But, Gracie, dear," said the little monitress, "I don't think you will ever feel happy and comfortable again till you do; and Jesus is displeased with you all the time till you do it. If you told about it and tried to make it up to Nellie, then He would be pleased with you again. And then you could have comfort in that even if people were rather cross to you about it. And, Gracie, Maggie and I will not be offended with you. I know Maggie will not; and we'll coax the other girls not to tease you or be unkind to you about it."

"Don't you think it was so very wicked in me then?" asked Gracie. "O Bessie! you are such a good child, I don't believe you ever have wicked thoughts. You don't know how hard it is sometimes not to do wrong when you want to do it very much, – when a very, very great temptation comes, like this."

"Yes," said Bessie, "I think I do, Gracie. And you are very much mistaken when you say I never have naughty thoughts. I have them very often, and the only way I can make them go is, to ask Jesus to help me, and to keep asking Him till they do go, and the temptation too. Perhaps, when you had the temptation to do this you did not remember to ask."

"No, I did not," said Gracie. "But, Bessie, it never seemed to me that I could do a thing that was not quite true and honest. And I suppose it has come because I thought too much of myself and wanted too much to have my work the best. It was not that I cared about the money, for you know that was for Jessie and her grandfather; but I wanted every one to say mine was the best; and it made me so mad that any one should say Nellie's was better than mine. If I had not cared so very much, Hattie would not have persuaded me, for I did know it was horribly mean. You never had a temptation like this, Bessie."

"I don't know," said Bessie slowly. "I think I once had one something like it. Don't you remember, Gracie, that time you lost your prize composition and we found it in the drawer of the hall-table?"

"Yes," answered Gracie, "and how cross I was about it, and how hateful to you and Maggie."

"Well," said Bessie, "I had a very hard temptation that time. I found the composition first, and I wanted to leave it there and not tell any one, 'cause I wanted Maggie to have the prize so much; and at first it did not seem so very wrong to me, and I tried to think I ought not to tell, because then my own Maggie could have the prize; but I did not feel sure about it, so I asked Jesus to let me see what I ought to do, and then I saw it quite plain, and knew I must take the composition to you. But it was a dreadful temptation, Gracie."

"Yes," said Gracie with a sigh, feeling deeply the difference between herself and her dear little playmate who had so bravely resisted temptation. For she knew how very anxious Bessie had been that Maggie should gain the prize.

"But you did not do the thing you were tempted to do," she said. "What would you do if you had, Bessie?"

"I should go right away and tell my mamma; and perhaps she could find some way to help me out of it," said Bessie. "Anyway, she ought to know, and she will tell you what you ought to do."

"Oh, it will make mamma feel dreadfully," said Gracie. "She was always telling me I would fall into trouble some day because I thought too much of myself; but, oh, dear! she never could have believed I would do this. Wouldn't you feel awfully, Bessie, if you had done it?"

Yes, indeed. Bessie felt that she should; it almost seemed to her that she should die if she had such a weight on her mind and conscience, and she felt for Gracie most deeply.

But still she knew that Gracie would never feel right again till she had made confession, and she once more urged it upon her; confession to God and man; and at last Gracie promised.

Promised with many tears and sobs; but that promise once given, she became in haste to have it over and to go home to her mamma at once.

"Ask your mamma to let me go home as soon as she can, Bessie," she pleaded. "Tell her I do not feel well, for I do not really. My head aches and I feel all shaky, as if I could not hold still; and I don't want to see any one down stairs again or to have any supper."

Bessie was about to leave her to do as she was asked, when Mrs. Bradford came in.

"Gracie and Bessie," she said, "are you here? You were so long in coming that I feared something was wrong. Will you not come down and have some supper, Gracie?"

Gracie did not speak, but held fast to Bessie's hand.

"Mamma," said the little girl, "Gracie does not feel well, and she would like to go home as soon as you could send her. She's quite trembling, mamma. I feel her."

Mrs. Bradford took Gracie's hand in hers and found that it was indeed cold and trembling, while her temples were hot and throbbing; for over-excitement and worry had made her really ill, and the lady saw that she was more fit for bed than for the supper-room.

She told Gracie she should go home immediately, and putting on her hat led her down stairs, and calling Mr. Bradford, begged him to take the poor little girl home and explain matters to her mamma.

Gracie clung to Bessie for a good-night kiss, whispering, "I will do it, Bessie; no matter what comes after, I will do it."

Mr. Bradford took her home, – it was not far from his house, – talking cheerfully by the way and trying to keep her amused; but, though Gracie felt he was kind, she hardly knew what he was saying, her mind was so taken up with the thought of the dreadful secret she had to confess.

Mrs. Howard was startled, as was only natural, to see her little girl coming home so much before she had expected her; and Mr. Bradford's assurance that he did not think there was much wrong with Gracie, and that she would be well after a good night's sleep, did not quiet her fears, especially when she looked in Gracie's face.

She quickly undressed her and put her to bed; but, longing as Gracie was to have her confession over, she could not tell it while the nurse was in the room; and it was not until she was safely in bed, and the woman sent to prepare some medicine, that she gave vent to the tears she had managed to keep back before her.

"There, there, my darling," said her mother soothingly. "You will be better soon. Do not be frightened; this is only a little nervousness."

"O mamma, mamma!" cried poor Gracie; "you ought not to be so kind to me. You don't know how bad, how very bad I am."

"Is there any thing especially wrong just now, Gracie?" asked her mother gently.

"Yes, mamma; oh, yes. I have – I have – put your head closer, mamma, and let me whisper;" and then, with her face hidden against her mother's shoulder, came the confession, made with many bitter tears and sobs.

Mrs. Howard was greatly shocked; she could hardly speak when she heard all.

"Shall you ever be able to forgive me, mamma?" sobbed Gracie. "I know, I know you think me perfectly dreadful, but if you could try me just this once, and see if I ever do such a thing again. Indeed, I don't think I could. I know I am not too good to do it, as I thought I was before; but I have felt so dreadfully ever since I did it, I don't think I could ever punish myself so again."

"I can believe that you have been very unhappy, my child," said her mother; "indeed I have seen it, though I did not know the cause. But you have need to ask a higher forgiveness than mine."

"I will, mamma," said Gracie; "but – but – I suppose Nellie and the other children must be told?"

"I fear so, Gracie," said her mother. "Nellie must be righted and have her own mat again, and I do not see how we are to avoid having the rest of the children hear this terrible thing also. I must see Miss Ashton in the morning and talk it over with her, and we will arrange what is best to be done. But now you must try to be quiet and go to sleep. You are over-excited and will be really ill, so I can allow you to talk no more. But before you sleep, my child, make your peace with your Father in heaven, and ask Him to help you to bear the punishment you have brought upon yourself by your naughty pride and ambition."

Gracie obeyed her mother as well as she was able; and, truly repentant, we may hope, at last fell into a troubled sleep.