Kitabı oku: «The struggle between good and evil», sayfa 3

I know a few of my friends who are older than me, but who are not able to think. These people cannot choose anything for themselves and their loved ones. Every day they drift like clouds chased by the wind. But the wind does not ask where the cloud wants to drift. Often the wind drift clouds into insanity, evil, lawlessness, laziness, impatience, alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, resentment and so on.

Every day of life is a valuable gift. As I live the day, so I will live my life. If a person spent the whole day offending his loved ones, and at night he died, then he died as an offended and proud man. This last day became his whole life.

I have another friend. This guy’s name is Oleg. He was very touchy. Sometimes he could take offense at his mother all day. He often gestured with his hands and said: “My mother is pretty hot and tempting! She can tell me anything. And the most important thing is she doesn’t ask for forgiveness. So I can’t talk to her all day long to teach her a lesson.”

I almost imagined what his mother told Oleg about, because looking at the behavior of this guy, it was clear that if he did not change and did not get wiser, there would be a big trouble. He drove quickly, he was constantly rude and became addicted to alcohol, cigarettes and girls of easy virtue, and never helped his parents in any way. When his friend said that he had to come over to his mother to help her doing something, he laughed in surprise and said: “You’re mother’s baby!” It was impossible to solve any serious, vital question with this guy. He could not be trusted either. One day he came over to his mother. Probably, he did not understand himself why he came to see her. In less than half an hour they began to quarrel. His mother was telling him the right things. But the brain of this adult wasn’t mature enough and did not perceive what was said, but perceived all the words of his parents with hostility and reproaches. This young man did not even know what he wanted in his life. He did not know either what profession to chose or what kind of future wife he needed. He did not know what to talk to a girl about. When he finished his conversation with new acquaintances, he used to come and say with a sneer: “They are some stupid people, they do not know what to talk with me about, and they do not understand me at all.” Of course, Oleg could not realize why no one could understand him and talk to him. Only my friends and me knew the reason of this misunderstanding. We were receptive to him, because he was our friend, and we did not want to offend him. We all knew that he was not mature yet though our age was quite the same. He took turns discussing all his friends with us. He did not understand what he was saying. He took offense, was angry with all his friends, neighbors and parents. One day his mother said something that Oleg did not like at all and it seemed very offensive to him. He got angry and dropping the phone he had a grouch on his mother. He said that he would never put up with her first, because she told him rather offensive words. He did not call up to her for two days, being sure of his rightness. Two days later Oleg was called to the phone from the hospital, picking up the phone, he heard: “Hello Oleg, your mother was knocked by the car. She could not survive. We express our condolences”. Oleg could not believe it. After all, deep down he hoped he would reconcile with his mother. He just wanted to take offense at his mother a little and as he said, “to teach her a lesson,” showing her. Now Oleg knows that love cannot offend!

I’ve told you a bit about my friends, now I want to tell you about myself. I’m very pretty and I have a beautiful figure. I constantly go in for sports to look good and to be fond of my future lover and not to get sick easily. It is very important for me to have an attractive figure, because I want my sweetheart like to look at me.

I know that men like beautiful female figures, and I constantly upload my buttocks, legs and other parts of my body with physical exercises, and I also find some time for jogging every day. In fact, going in for sports is very cool. I’m sure that when I meet my beloved, he will like it very much. But what a person my beloved should be? Probably he should be as smart and loving as I am. But, of course, it may happen that my future husband will not be perfectly intelligent and loving person. But even if it is so, the main thing is that he wants to acquire this mind and love. It is not even possible to go shopping for food without the desire, and a person can live with a principle “if I don’t have something, I don’t need it.” But if a person wishes, but does not have, I will help him to acquire this. I will fight. I will give him love if he does not have it. If something goes wrong, I’ll come from the other side, showing endurance and patience. After all, not everybody acquires the mind, patience and love in one second. Sometimes, it’s possible to reach out a person only after many years. Age plays a not very significant role in human life. I know many women and men who are already 40 or 50 years old, but their intelligence and wisdom are several times lower than some of my acquaintances who are not even 30. I’m thirty now. You cannot judge a man by his age. This approach is partially true. Never compare your inner world and your knowledge in thirty years with other people of the same age.

I have one 55-year-old acquaintance who once said to me: “At the age of 20 I was, in general, a child, at 30 I started to understand something, at 40 I look at things quite differently, now I’m 50 and I see everything.” There are also some people, like this adult man, who see life absolutely differently. But they cannot explain this. Each of them has its own point of view. When this man began to tell me about his life and began to teach me something, he could not imagine that he would have to learn from me. When we finished talking with him, he was even a little ashamed that he does not understand much yet. I absolutely did not want to offend him, just as a result of our conversation he realized that he needed to study, but not me. It was proud, irritable, spiteful, self-centered, drinking, full of ambition and blind prejudices man, who did not like being interrupted and in some way disobeyed. He told me almost an hour only about the Cold War and a secret government. This man has never been at a real war, where young soldiers dreamed of living and loving. Otherwise, he would not sit with me on the bench and drive me into his crazy reflections, “who – whom and when,” and would neither make me nervous, nor his wife and himself. He would have learned better to love and adequately perceived reality, leaving his tedious reflections, because his words do not fill anyone with love, but, on the contrary, they clog up the mind. If he really wants to help his country, then let him do something useful and effective, which can really help. And let him say a few pleasant words to his wife, who “turns like a squirrel in a cage” all days long, and her husband just sits on a bench with a fictional war and bored with his harmful conversations. When his wife told him how he tortured everyone with his talks about war and politics and that people around him were just laughing at him, he was getting angry and, waving his arms, he said: “Yes! There are puppets like you, and somebody plays with you. And I see and I know everything. “All that he sees and understands, I was not interested in at all, because I understood it better than he did. People on the planet always used to fight with themselves, arranging both hot and cold wars, raised vassals, created intelligence, attached, detached the land and so on. This man did not understand just one thing. He did not understand that you cannot focus on this, because otherwise he will just go mad. Now, if he really had a flexible mind and if he talked about love, and not threw it away, then it would be nice to talk with him. I know that children did not really like to come to visit their grandfather, because children go where there is love. Grandchildren were rare guests, because he was grumpy, boring, stupid, sinful and not able to love anybody. I know that there are things from which a person can go crazy. One of them is the very “Trojan horses” that do not let you sleep well. Such a person begins to feel that this “horse” is already very close. It seems to such a person that he will soon be brought here and armed evil warriors will come out of him. But not only a man can go crazy about the war. Sometimes it seems to him that his neighbors are also plotting something against him and are constantly watching him. A person can even be sure of this, although the neighbors themselves may not even know about it. It would be great if our 55-year-old “smart” grandfather understood this. Why did I remember this man? Because I’ve never wanted to have a husband like him in my life.

His wife was an unhappy woman. They did not have mutual understanding and communication with each other. They communicated briefly and laconically. He spent the whole day doing his own business, as well as his wife. Very often they scrimmaged for hours. They tried to find out something, but I still could not understand what exactly they tried to say to each other each time. Cries, anger, abusive words, resentment, pride and humiliation became an integral part of their lives and soon completely filled their lives. This is the same example where there is no love, patience, understanding, reason, mercy and help between people, but there is stupidity, pride, irritation, quarrels, resentment, humiliation and all the rest of evil. When I remember this family, I feel uncomfortable. For all the time of communication with them I have not been able to hear, at least, a couple of clever, warm and affectionate words. What business you can talk about, if these adult people cannot hear good and smart words. They could only plant potatoes together, but it was already problematic to pick it, because once they told their relatives: “We will plant a lot of potatoes together, and then we dig it out and sell it.” Of course, they planted potatoes together, but when it was time for crop harvesting, they grudged sharing big profits in half. They told to their relatives: “Potato crop this year!”

I also noticed that this man had some kind of suspiciousness. Throughout the conversation he tried to prove that he was a real man, but not a coward and more than that he was very independent. I do not know why he was obsessed with this! Maybe someone told him once that he is not a real man, and he still thinks about it and goes crazy about it. That person had not learned to think, had not learned to love, had not learned to appreciate and thank, and also had not learned to cope with his suspiciousness and annoying thoughts.

I do not want anybody to scream at me, I do not want to be offended or irritated, I do not want to feel rejected, humiliated and forgotten, and I do not want anybody to scowl at me waiving his head from side to side and tutting.

Well, today I found that classmate on a social network, about whom I remembered a little earlier. I found the guy who stood near the closet and said: “Why did you lock him there? The guy has a mother who loves him and does not want you to keep him in the closet.” The guy I found on the social network was married already. He had two beautiful children. I was not upset about this at all. On the contrary, I was happy for him. I was happy for their life and for the fact that their family is in good health. Why am I glad and not upset? Because I can love, but do not envy. He is happy and therefore I am glad that he is happy.

I want to meet a man with whom I could be really happy, and with whom I could live my whole life. I want to obey my husband implicitly. But I would certainly like to obey an intelligent and loving person. But where can I find such a man? In a park or a cafe? Or maybe in church? Or maybe just outside? What should be inside my chosen one? Probably, I need an ideal person with whom I would feel loved, protected and pacified. I do not want it to be like in some families, where people live by the principle – I do not interfere in your affairs, and you do not interfere into mine. I want only WE in the relationship with the spouse. And I want every day to be like a separate happy life.

I do not want my future husband to be like my father or that very grumpy, angry old man who grabbed somebody else’s potatoes, because there are people in the world who do not enjoy mutual love, but completely the opposite.

I remember that our father always told me and my younger brother that pity and love are the worst feelings and demanded from us that we should remember this forever. He liked to repeat the proverb “man is a wolf to man.” He also believed and taught us that in this life everyone defends his/her own interests, and the manifestation of kindness and sentimentality only soften the personality and make it weak. Strangely enough, but that’s what my father said. He often watched feature films about prison subculture and drew conclusions about the fact that strength, self-assertion, malicious gaze, revenge, resentment for offense and many other atrocities constitute the basis of a safe and peaceful life. It took me quite a long time to personally re-educate myself and learn to think and understand everything in a completely different way. Many of my father’s wrong, stupid words hid very deep inside me. He educated us in rudeness and cruelty, never gave us anything voluntarily, neither played any game with us, nor spoke to us, or rejoiced at our presence, he never looked with love into our eyes, and rarely, due to a sense of duty, grudgingly pretended to smile. He was always ready to a conflict. Even if some person parked his car in front of our entrance just for few minutes, he always shouted to him with anger: “I put my car here!”

Once, we made a gift to our father. We invited him to our grandmother, because there a surprise was waiting for him. We bought a big cake, and the following words were written on it: “Daddy, you are the only one, and we love you very much.” When our father came into the house and we gave him that cake with smiles on our faces, our father turned his face slightly aside and was ashamed to look into our eyes. Our father was ashamed of tenderness, kindness, love and mercy. Therefore, when we gave him this cake, the following was written on his face: “I cannot tolerate tender love, I feel like somebody has taken off my underpants in the presence of my children.”

Our father did not know what to talk about to us, did not know what to say or do something pleasant for us. His patience always lasted only for a few days. I saw how patiently he answered our children’s questions for about a week. That’s a given. It is necessary to endure and show feigned gratitude for such a hearty gift. When more than one week had passed, our father admired and triumphed that feigned love had become a thing of the past and he no longer needed to simulate this pretended love. Now he was completely free. He returned to selfishness, anger, irritation, psychosis, rage, swear words, humiliation, resentment, pride and to his drinks. Father also rarely said: “I get tired at work, so let me alone.” But what does work, fatigue and other hardships have to do with, if love breathes always and everywhere.

When my younger brother was taken ill and got to the hospital, our family hurled all efforts to help our Artem. Only our father did not show any initiative. He just stood with unhappy face and embarrassment and did not want to say a couple of affectionate words to his sick son. Our Artem recovered after some time, and he was discharged from the hospital and returned home. But our home without the father’s love does not look like a home. Our father lived in his own world, in a world of irritation, anger, rejection, constant resentment and humiliation.

What did our father feel when we were born? Of course, when our father was a little younger, he said: “My children got sick. And I’m their father! I will assemble all my internal powers and I will come to their room to embrace them, give them some medicines, and put my hand on their diseased body parts. I have to go to them. They are my own children!” But to our great regret, our father got squint to egoism, anger, endless psychosis, blindness, humiliation, resentment, pride and endless irritation. And a few years later, my father’s heart said: “Do not disturb me, and get out! I’m tired at work! It makes me furious! Get out of my way!!”

Our dad is a tough cookie and intolerable person. When my mother married him, she did not suspect that he would be like that. She always told us: “Our father was so tough when I married him. He became like that over time. And at first every man is normal!”.

Our dad had one friend whom he constantly listened to more than our mother. But this very friend later got into prison for some machinations with money. His friend was not able to present at the funeral of his father, because he was in prison. Only our father was at the funeral. His friend’s mother asked him: “Why did you allow your friend to go to jail and not see his father for the last time? Why?” But our father just stood and looked blank. He did not understand that one had to live with reason in his head. Our father knew that his friend was engaged in something illegal, but because of his indifference and stupidity, he did not tell his friend to stop. Our dad felt good being in an alcoholic delirium with his friend. But our father still considered himself the most intelligent person and considered his life normal, smirking and proudly being extolled before other people. Surprisingly he opened his eyes so wide when his friend’s mother told him, that probably there was a dry seed of reason gave a small green sprout in the head of our father. But will our father change? Will he be able to turn from the stupid into the intelligent one, from the spiteful and irritable to the loving and humble?

My mother also told me that when our father was young, he courted to her very nice and tried to look like a kind, intelligent and strong person. And then he was not that at all. When he achieved his goal, and our mother became his wife, my father relaxed and his inner evil, impatience, humiliation and psychosis merged into their relationship.

My parents often brawled and sorted out their relationships. I heard what they were arguing about and screaming at each other. Once I saw two small children who were quarreling with each other, unless it could be called a quarrel. One boy was 3,5 years old, the second one was only ten months. The elder brother pushed the younger and swore at him for grabbing his clothes and preventing play with toys. He tried to explain something to his little brother, and said, “Why did you touch me, don’t you see that I’m playing with toys, and you hinder me to play!” These guys did not understand each other, as well as my parents, due to the fact that no one wanted to stop the quarrel. While quarrelling they told each other insulting words. Loads of wicked and sarcastic expressions were composed in their minds. Each of them recalled the most evil moments of past quarrels. These arguments were similar to the evil game “who wins”. I towered above it all, because I knew that such quarrels should not exist at all. My parents had to be above it all, as well as all adults above the quarrels of young children. So, after a while, acquiring a taste, our father started to abuse me and Artem.

Of course – a man has two natures. He knows both evil and good. But you always need to speak and to do only good things. But still, not everyone chooses good… For all his life a person makes a nest of goodness, reason, love, and another nest of sins, madness, anger, irritability, grumpy discontent, drunkenness and psychosis.

I remember once I was riding on a bus and there were two little boys in front of me. One of them said: “It’s great that your father is so kind. My dad is not like that at all, so, let’s go to your place to play.” These words wounded me, because I immediately remembered how my brother and I talked the same about my father. Many fathers could immerse themselves in the worlds of their children and could listen to them with joy and love in their eyes. They could hear the story of how the dandelion was ripped off, a frog was caught or an earthworm was found. But some fathers did not like to communicate with their children, and they did not like to play with them and did not like to teach them. They simply did not have love in their hearts.

I remember once our father broke his leg and was unable to do many things by his own. Of course, he asked us about these things. We gladly did these things for our father, who had problems with movements. He looked somewhere to the side and said without anger: “Thank you, children.” We were happy with his words and the way he talked to us. My younger brother asked me: “Why our father has become kind, after he had broken his leg? Let his leg always be broken.”

I was sorry for my brother, because he needed his father’s love. I tried my best to love for two. I tried to love for myself and for my father. My brother still feels a lack of love. When he was fourteen years old, he had some troubles with breathing. It was hard for him to breathe. He told me that as if some kind of lump in throat rolls to his chest, strains it and prevents him from breathing. He developed vasomotor dyscrasia. I did everything I could to help him. I wanted my brother to breathe easily, and not snuffle with great anguish. Our father looked with anger at Artem and said: “Why are you breathing like this? You are therefore gasping for not breathing properly. How many times have I explained to you that you cannot breathe like this? You need to breathe properly and do not exhale completely all the air, so you are suffocating.” After a while, unable to stand it, our father said angrily: “What!? Do you check if you have enough air or not? That’s ridiculous!”

These words just destroyed me and my brother. These words helped us to understand one simple but very important thing. Our father did not have love. Once he rejected this love and was not looking for it. He put himself in irritation, anger and endless psychosis. A man without love is like a car that has no wheels. Even when we grew up, our father did not like to communicate with us. A telephone conversation looked something like this, “hello” and “goodbye”. A real conversation was similar to one by phone. Our father started to talk only when drinking any alcoholic beverage. But after a week of hard drinking, when he frayed all our nerves, he began to feel very ill, and talked about it to all their relatives, waiting for their pity. When he felt that he was not regretted, and expressed only grudge against his drunkenness, he was angry again and answered irritably: “Let me alone! I’m fed up with it!

When we grew up, our father almost never called us, because he did not want to communicate with his children. He liked to communicate with TV, drinking some alcoholic beverage and with other people in a drinking state. I do not remember that our father, at least once in our entire life, would embrace us and say how happy he is to be with us and that we can spend time together. There was no place for love in his heart. He was never afraid to offend us with words. He never apologized for anything and never asked for forgiveness. He had never admitted his guilt, even if there was something to blame him in. He could endlessly prove his rightness, proudly humiliating with rude words and causing insults. He always tried to scintillate with his mind before other people and loved when they told that he was a clever man. With all his might he tried to show his “sharp” mind to the first available and making sure that a person often makes mistakes, is not experienced enough or not yet an adult, he tried to humiliate, offend and exalt him.

But why do I talk so much about my father? Maybe it’s because I have not got enough love from him?! Maybe because my father is the most striking example of a man who has no love, but has the opposite?

Since Artem’s breathing had been in abnormal state for a long time, our mother was advised to take him to a psychologist. But the angry, irritable psychologist told our mother without restraining himself: “You brought your son to such a state with your care and overprotection. Therefore, he suffocates, because he is afraid to take the first steps, moving away from your care to adulthood. What have you done with him, mama?!”

As expected, our mother believed every word of this psychologist. When they returned from the hospital, I asked my mother to tell me what the psychologist had told them, and, of course, I was very shocked and saddened from the story I’ve heard. For some reason, this psychologist decided that Artem, who was raised by our mother in love, care and protection, came out, as the psychologist hinted, “to the world of independence and evil,” and broke his spirit, which accordingly led him to emotional stress, and then to nervous disease. I knew that there are a lot of psychologists like that who do not know what they talk about or diagnose all by the same pattern, without going into the essence and problems of each person. I immediately saw the consequences of their visit to this psychologist. I saw that my mother stopped saying warm, laudatory words of love, kindness and gratitude. She stopped looking at Artem with a kind and loving eyes, and also stopped hugging him. A few days later, when Artem had a strong attack of oxygen shortage, my mother tried to show him warmth, caring and love, but as little as possible. Our mother thought then: “Here is my son lying and gasping. Maybe I should not approach him and say something, otherwise it will become a habit and then he will grow up as a nincompoop.” Our mother was presented with incorrect information, and as a result, she began to struggle with good deeds, warm words, a loving smile and merciful love in her mind. The words of the psychologist were deeply embedded in the mind of our mother, and without understanding the psychologist himself could convince “a little” our mother that love and good do only harm and do not prepare children for adulthood.

Curiously enough, but evil always wants to convince a person that it is the true norm of preparing children for real adulthood, and that love is an abnormal stupidity that maims life and leads to weakness, decline, embarrassment, restraint, insecurity, and to an infinite human condition, about which they would then say: “Between hay and grass!” It is interesting to know what this psychologist will say to his children, his spouse and his parents, if he knows that his relatives need to live only for several years, months or even days?! And whether he will be as angry and annoyed as he did in the presence of my relatives.

I know one family where the father once said: “There is nothing worse than bringing up children in love, care and kindness.” His son craved these things from his father every day. But the father, seeing a desire of his son, began to break these feelings and make a deviation in a completely different direction. When his wife began to hug and kiss him, her husband immediately interfered and said: “Less tenderness! You will spoil the guy, and he will grow up a molly and a mattress.”

One day a friend, who worked as a psychologist, came to visit them. When she came in the house and their son saw her, he immediately ran up to this woman and embraced her tightly. This lady also hugged the baby very strongly and asked him: “Do you like hugging? How wonderful it is! It’s necessary to hug you more often!” The baby’s father looked at his wife’s friend, feeling displeased. A second later their glances met and these people, looking at each other, realized that each of them had his own world in his head. One person had a world of love and good, and another person had a world of insanity, evil and wrong views of life. The father of this child was a sort of “brilliant” psychologist as well. But there are psychologists who follow in the footsteps of love and good, and also there are psychologists of stupidity and evil. Unfortunately, the father of that child was not a believer in love. This time this family faced with a good psychologist who knew that love in a person’s life should take a central place, from which any psychology begins. But of course the result of this attitude towards his son was obvious. For several years, little Roma had not felt loved, but on the contrary, felt rejected and lonely. But of course when he grew up, it was out of the question to talk about a simple warm conversation with his father. His father was somewhere deep in his anger, irritation, psychosis, blind wrong prejudices and baseless speculation, not realizing that love is power, life and victory.

Once my cousin got sick, and she had to visit one experienced intelligent psychologist. During the conversation, the psychologist, looking into my sister’s eyes, said: “Sometimes people get sick, because they do not know how to love. They learn to be humble and learn to love through their illnesses!” My cousin had been thinking for a long time what all this means is the phrase “learn to be humble and love.” She was not patient and was not afraid of offending anyone. There were no prohibitions and decrees for it. Buying things in the store, she could express to the seller everything she wanted in any situation, completely not caring what a person feels at the same time. In fact, my sister was always dissatisfied with something, was very touchy and like the fire kindled every little quarrel.

Once, when she was sitting with her friends and boasting how she could offend other people in a quarrel, her friend told her: “Me and Alexei never quarrel and do not offend each other.” My sister screwed up her eyes and lighted a cigarette, grinned and said in response: “You are boring.” Frankly, after examining my cousin, it became clear that she imitates almost all negative acts and habits. When she saw people with various physical disabilities in arms, legs, or the whole body, she made a squeamish face and said: “How terrible and disgusting they are. I cannot stand them!” My cousin did not understand many things, but she rejected many things from herself. She was very fond of giving out her advices to everyone, and for some reason she was sure that they were always right. She liked to teach people how they should live, believing for some reason that other adults’ lives were not right. But people who understood life better than she, listening to her advice and recommendations, often said in their minds: “What a stupid girl! She does not understand what she says!”