Kitabı oku: «Sweet Content», sayfa 4
“Mamma dear,” I whispered, “you are too good to me. But I will try to be better. Only will you please let me be more useful to you? I am sure,” I added, and if this was a very little cunning, I don’t think it was in a naughty way – “I am sure I should be far happier if I felt I were of use.”
And of course mamma promised. What would she not have promised me! I think she told over this conversation to papa, and if any lingering feeling of indignation against Evey had still been in her mind, I am sure what he said must have removed it. For the next morning they were both full of plans for my being a great deal with the Whytes, and of little kindnesses we might do to them, without, as papa said, seeming officious or – he hesitated for a word.
“Patronising,” mamma suggested. He smiled at this.
“My dear,” he said, “that we could not possibly be accused of towards the Whytes. You scarcely realise – ”
But there he stopped. I felt a little ashamed when I recalled one or two of my speeches to Evey.
“Papa has always such perfectly nice feelings,” I thought; and as I glanced at his kind, quiet face I said to myself that I might indeed be proud of him. And when he kissed me that morning before he went out, I felt something in his kiss that seemed to say he understood me and my new resolutions, better even than mamma did.
Chapter Seven.
A Trio of Friends
One of the hardest things about trying to be good, particularly about trying to be better, for that means getting out of bad ways as well as getting into good ones, is the dreadful persistence of bad habits. Even when your heart is quite, quite in earnest, and your mind too, and often at the very time you’re planning beautifully about keeping your new resolutions, and quite bubbling over with eagerness about them, you get a sudden shock, just as if you had walked straight into a bath of cold water that you didn’t know was there – and oh, dear, you stop to find you have done the exact wrong or foolish thing you had been fixing so to avoid.
How many times this happened to me about the new resolutions I wrote of in the last chapter I should be afraid to say. Sometimes it was almost laughable. One morning I remember I was busy writing down one or two rules I had thought might help me, when I heard mamma’s voice calling me.
“Bother,” I said to myself in my old way, “I shall never remember about the third rule, if I leave it just now.”
And I went on calmly writing, just calling to mamma, “Yes, yes, I’ll come directly;” and so absorbed was I, that when, a full quarter of an hour afterwards, I happened to glance out of the window, and saw mamma hot and out of breath from a chase after my new Persian kitten, who had escaped through the conservatory and might very easily have got lost or stolen, or even killed, it never struck me that I might have saved her this trouble. Trouble on my account, too!
“What is the matter, mamma?” I exclaimed as I ran out, half crossly, for I could not bear to see her so tired and breathless. “How you do fuss – why didn’t you make the servants fetch Persica in?”
“My dear,” said mamma, as gently as if I had any right to find fault with her, “you know she won’t come to any one but you or me; and I did call you.”
How ashamed I felt! I tore up the rules, and called them nasty things in my own mind, which was exceedingly silly. Afterwards, when I had had more talk with Yvonne, and Mary, I made some others. Not half such grand ones. Only very, very simple ones, which I almost despised on that account; but they were useful to me, by showing me that, simple as they were, it was no easy matter to keep them, even for a few hours at a time.
You see I had been selfish all my life. I had never even thought of its being wrong. Once I did begin to think about it, I was perfectly startled and horrified to find how wide-spreading and deep-rooted my selfishness was. I should often have lost heart altogether had it not been for my new friends. Not that they ever “preached” to me or to anybody, it was just the seeing and feeling how different they were, from what a different point of view they looked at everything, that made me understand better where I was wrong, and take courage to go on trying. And now and then nice things happened to make me feel I was getting on a little; some of these I will tell you about, though I have also to tell you of some rather dreadful things that showed how very naughty and horrid – oh! I get hot still when I think of one of these – I still was.
It was not only selfishness I had to fight against I was exceedingly, absurdly, really vulgarly self-conceited and stuck-up. I don’t think Evey and Mary really ever knew the worst of me; for one thing, I began to try almost from the first of knowing them; for another, just as an honest person cannot believe, and never suspects another of dishonesty till he is actually forced to do so, the dear Whytes were too sincere and simple and single-minded to understand or take in my ridiculous vanity and affectations.
But I must tell about my first visit to the Yew Trees – I mean my first visit to its new inhabitants. It was two or three days after the Sunday at Lady Honor’s. I was fidgeting dreadfully to see Evey again, and I think one of my first real “tries” at not being selfish was doing my best not to tease mamma about when we should go, and worrying her all day long to fix the exact day and hour.
It was not a very hard “try” certainly, for it was only on Wednesday morning that papa told us at breakfast that he had met Captain Whyte the evening before, and had been told by him that Mrs Whyte and the other children had arrived that morning.
“He said,” papa went on, “that Mrs Whyte would be very pleased to see you, Rose; and when you go to call on her, you are to be sure to take Connie.”
“When should we go, do you think?” asked mamma.
“Not to-day – they will hardly be settled enough to see us.”
“I don’t know that,” papa replied. “Captain Whyte said any time; the sooner the better. Mrs Whyte may have little things to ask you about; and I fancy they are very methodical, sensible people, who will soon get into order.”
“They all help so; they’re so useful,” I could not help saying with a little sigh.
“Well, dear,” said mamma, with an encouraging glance, “other little daughters are useful, too. You should have seen how beautifully Connie dusted and rearranged the bookshelves for me yesterday, Tom,” she went on to papa, for which he gave me one of his nicest smiles.
And it was settled that mamma and I should go that very afternoon.
I felt a very little nervous about seeing Mrs Whyte. Somehow the mother of such very well brought up children, and a person, too, whom Lady Honor evidently approved of so thoroughly, must, it seemed to me, be rather alarming; and I am not sure but that dear mamma was a very little nervous too.
“We won’t stay long, Connie,” she said, as we drew near the Yew Trees. “Very likely they are still busy, though they don’t mind us. I have been thinking we might ask Evey and her sister to spend an afternoon with you – to-morrow perhaps, or the day after.”
“Yes,” I said. “I should like that. If their mother can spare them, and if all their time isn’t settled out for lessons, and sewing, and taking care of the little ones, like dreadfully good girls in story-books. I’m afraid they’re a little that way, mamma – very, very regular and punctual, and their mother rather severe and particular. I’ll tell you what I’m sure she’s like, mamma. Very tall, much taller than you,” – and mamma is not little – “and black hair, quite straightly done, and rather small eyes, and a prim way of speaking.”
Mamma began to laugh.
“Hush, Connie,” she said, “you mustn’t upset my gravity. Once I begin laughing,” – poor mamma, it wasn’t very often she was really merry, though she tried to seem so for other people’s sake – “I can’t leave off.”
We were close to the house by this time, though the thick-growing shrubs hid the lower part of it from view, and as mamma spoke, sounds of ringing laughter – the most ringing, happy, pretty laughter I ever heard – reached our ears; and then voices.
“Joss, Evey, come to my rescue; catch him, the great, silly boy. No, no, Lancey – ” and then as we came right in front, we saw what it was. A lady, a rather little lady, with dark hair – nice, wavy dark-brown hair, like what Evey’s would have been if it hadn’t been so short – and the brightest, sweetest, dark-eyed, rather gipsy-looking face, was running at full speed across the little lawn before the door, with Lancey, the biggest boy of all, you know, after her. She was waving something white, a roll of paper, above her head, which Lancey was evidently determined to get possession of, and behind him, in every direction it seemed at the first glance, were all the rest of the young Whytes – the three sailor-suits, two girls, Evey and a fair-haired one, and two or three more boys. Such a lot they looked! All rushing about, shouting and laughing at the top of their voices. Suddenly somebody – Evey, I think – caught sight of us. There came an instant hush.
“Oh dear,” were the first words the lady uttered, as she hastened up to us. “I am so ashamed. You must think me out of my mind, Mrs Percy – it is Mrs Percy?” with a quick bright glance of questioning. “How good of you to come! We have been hoping you would. And this is Connie? I am so pleased to see you, dear.”
How charming she was. Not exactly pretty, but so bright and sweet and irresistible – prettier than Evey and not as grave, but yet quite like enough to be her mother.
“You must think me a terrible tomboy,” she said, laughing again, and blushing a very little. “But we are in such spirits. It’s so long since we’ve been all together like this, for the big boys only came from school last week, and – ”
“Mother is rather a tomboy,” said Lancelot, coolly. “I think Mrs Percy had best understand the truth from the first, and then she will never be shocked at our goings on.”
“You impertinent boy,” said his mother, laughing up at him. He was a great deal taller than she. “You shouldn’t waste your time in writing verses, instead of doing your lessons, should he, Mrs Percy?”
This hint silenced Lancey effectually. And soon all the children dispersed, and Mrs Whyte took mamma away into the house. Only Yvonne and the fair-haired girl, who, I knew, must of course be Mary, stayed with me. I had not yet spoken – I had felt so completely bewildered by the contrast between the real Mrs Whyte and the fancy picture I had been drawing of her just the moment before, that no words came to my lips.
Yvonne thought that I was feeling shy, I suppose, and to put me at my ease she drew forward her sister.
“This is ‘plain Mary,’ Connie,” she said. “I see I must introduce you formally. Doesn’t she suit her name?” she added, and I could hear in her tone how proud she was of Mary.
No wonder. Mary was so pretty. She was very, very fair – and she seemed even fairer beside her rather gipsy-like mother and sister. But she had dark eyes, much darker than mine; I am not speaking of myself out of conceit, truly, but because I know that fair hair and dark eyes are thought pretty, as mamma has often praised mine, and Mary’s hair is fairer and her eyes darker than mine, and she has a very sweet expression, what is called an “appealing” expression, I think. She stood there glancing up at Evey in a little timid way, as if accustomed to be protected and directed by her, that I did think so sweet. I had not one atom of jealousy – I am so glad I hadn’t – in my thoughts as I looked at her, even though there was a sort of likeness between her and me that might have made me feel jealous of her being so much prettier. But then, this particular kind of envy has not been my temptation; so it wasn’t any goodness in me not to feel it. I just stood looking at Mary with a real nice pleasure in her sweetness. And she looked at me with a shy smile in her eyes, and Yvonne looked at us both for a moment in silence. Then she gave a sort of jump and clapped her hands.
“Connie,” she said, “I knew there was something that made me feel sure I’d love you at once. Do you know you and Mary are really rather like each other? I wonder if the others have seen it?”
I felt myself get rosy with pleasure.
“Are we really?” I said. “I am so glad.”
And sweet Mary grew red too, when I said that. “I’m very glad you’re glad,” she said, shyly. “Of course I would like to be like you.”
And I think that afternoon sealed our friendship. How happy we were! We explored all the garden together, making plans for all sorts of nice things, out-of-door teas, games of hide-and-seek, gardening and flower-shows (I will tell you about our flower-shows some other time – they were such fun), when the summer came; then we went into the house and explored it too, spending most of our time in the girls’ room, the room with the rose paper, where the two little white beds were standing side by side and everything as neat as could be, though to my eyes, accustomed to much more luxury, it looked rather bare. But Evey was full of her plans for dressing up the toilet-table and adorning the windows with blinds and ribbons to match.
“I’ve been waiting for you to come to talk about it with us,” she said. “Connie has such good taste,” she went on to Mary; “you know she chose this paper.”
And though I had always fancied and had even, I fear, been rather proud of saying that I hated needlework, I found myself undertaking a share in it all, quite cheerfully.
“You’ll join our poor work, won’t you, Connie?” said Evey; “unless, of course, you’ve got a club of your own already.”
And when I stared, she went on to explain that, busy as they were, busier still as their mother was, they all gave a certain amount of time regularly every week to sewing for the poor.
“You wouldn’t believe how much one can do if one keeps to it,” said Evey. “And you know things that are neatly made are so much more good to poor people than what one can buy. Once we had quite a proper club, and twice a year we had a shop – it was such fun. Mother says it is best to let them buy the things when they can, though we always gave away some. I wonder if we can have a club here.”
“There is a sort of one I think,” I said. “Anna Gale and her aunt manage it. But I’m sure it is stupidly done. They are so dull and stupid about everything.”
Evey glanced up quickly.
“Mother is so clever about things like that,” she said. “Perhaps something might be done about it. I daresay she would talk about it to Miss Gale. There are a good many new ideas about such things now, and perhaps – perhaps it is a little old-fashioned here, and mother might improve it. I think Anna Gale must be a very good girl.”
“Oh, yes,” I said contemptuously; “she’s good enough.” Again Evey’s quick little glance. I didn’t quite like it.
“Evey,” I said, “you needn’t look at me that way. I know it’s wrong to say unkind things of people, but when any one is very dull and stupid, you can’t say they’re interesting and clever.”
“I don’t think you needed to say anything. I wasn’t asking you about what the Gales were,” said Evey, in her rather blunt way. “I don’t mean to be rude or laying down the law, Connie, only – ”
“Mother says,” Mary interrupted in her shy way – “mother says it is always so very easy to find fault and to see the worst of people. It takes much more cleverness trying to see the best of them.”
I had begun to feel rather angry, but Mary’s words made me think a little.
“Well,” I said, “I daresay that’s true. But, I don’t like Anna Gale, I suppose, and I daresay I’ve never tried to. Do you think that’s wrong? You can’t like everybody the same.”
“No,” said Evey, “not the same. That’s just the difference. But there’s something to like in nearly everybody. And I think we should try to see that part of them most. But, of course, you don’t need to like everybody the same; that would do away with friends and friendship. One thing I do like you for, Connie, is that you’re frank and honest.”
I smiled.
“Well, then, try to think most of that part of me,” I said, repeating her own words. “No, I’d like you to see the bad parts of me too, and help me to be better.”
Evey opened wide her bright brown eyes, and for once she got a little red.
“My dear Connie,” she said, “I’m far too full of bad things myself to be able to make any one else better,” and I saw she quite meant it.
A nice little thing happened that afternoon as we were leaving, which was great encouragement to me. It had grown rather chilly, and at the door I was helping mamma on with some extra wraps we had brought.
“You mustn’t catch cold, mamma dear,” I said.
We thought we were alone, but just then Evey ran out again with some forgotten message to mamma, and as they two were speaking I heard voices just behind the inner door.
“I like to see how gentle and tender Connie Percy is to her mother,” one said – it was Mrs Whyte’s. “I might have been sure any girl Lady Honor liked would be that.”
Where were all my unworthy fears that Lady Honor had spoken “against me” to the Whytes?
Chapter Eight.
Found Wanting
That winter and spring and summer, and the winter that followed them too, were, happy as my life had been in many ways, the happiest I had ever known. I was not, of course, constantly with the Whytes, for we had our lessons separately, and they had a great many other things to do beside lessons, things which it had never entered my head that a little girl could help in, though, once I made a start, I found that this had been quite a mistake.
I have marked down a few special days to write about – for looking back upon your life after a few years you can see what were the really important things that happened, the events which were the first links in a chain that led to lasting effects – little and trifling as these events may have seemed at the time.
Yvonne’s birthday was in November. Not a very nice month for a birthday, one might think. But, as I have said before, November in our part of the world is often very nice. Some days in it are sure to be so, and of course we made up our minds that the day could not but be one of the nicest.
“I have always been sorry my birthday was in November,” said Evey one afternoon, a week or two before the important date, “but Connie has almost made me change my mind.”
“I think it rather suits you,” I said. “You wouldn’t seem in your place on a very hot, lazy, full-summer day, when one can’t be active and energetic and useful: the sort of day when you feel you may be idle and of no use for once,” and I gave a little sigh. They all laughed.
“Poor Connie,” said Mary, “Evey has bullied you out of your nice comfortable lazy ways rather too much, hasn’t she? Well, I’ll tell you what, when your birthday comes you shall stay in bed and we’ll all come and pay you a visit.”
They were paying me a visit that day. We were at tea in my schoolroom: I was making the tea – pouring it out I mean – and mamma, who had come in to see how we were getting on, was sitting knitting in the window, where Evey had just carried her a cup. Two of the boys were with us; Addie, whom they always tried to get any treat for, as he was kept out of so many boys’ pleasures; and Charley, the next in age to him. Lancelot and Jocelyn did not often honour us with their society; they were working very hard now, at their particular studies.
Mamma looked up at this speech of Mary’s, and said quickly:
“I am sure that way of spending her birthday would not be at all to Connie’s taste. She has never been lazy, though of course in a large family there are a great many things to do that it would be absurd to spend time over where there is only one child and plenty of servants.”
I felt a little vexed. Mamma need not have started up in my defence, and I knew that even if I had never been actually lazy, I had, before I began to think about such things, been often very, very idle. I could tell by mamma’s tone that she was annoyed, though she spoke as usual quite gently. I could see, too, that Yvonne and Mary felt it, but then they were so simple and downright that they never took things in a hurt, self sort of way. Mary’s face shadowed over a little – she was just sorry to have vexed mamma, and ready to blame herself.
“Oh, dear Mrs Percy,” she exclaimed, “please don’t think I was in earnest. It would have been very unkind and – impertinent. Do you know we often say Connie is the most active of us all, and it’s all the more credit to her, for she doesn’t need to be, like us. You couldn’t fancy one of us ever able to sit with our hands before us doing nothing – up at the Yew Trees. Now could you?”
And she broke into a merry sweet little laugh, for, indeed, the idea of any one at the Yew Trees indulging in much dolce far niente, was rather comical. They had only two servants, and the odd man, for all there was to do, and yet everything was nice and comfortably done, and there was never any “fussing,” which is so disagreeable.
The laugh made Mary’s peace.
“It is all right, my dear,” said mamma, kindly. “I daresay I take up things mistakenly sometimes,” she added. “You must forgive me; I fear I lost some of my capacity for fun long ago.”
She spoke in the rather touching way she sometimes, but rarely, did, when one could see she was thinking of that sad long ago time. Yvonne and Mary glanced at each other, and then at her half wistfully. They knew the story, of course, and even if mamma had been cross and disagreeable, I don’t believe they would ever have found it in their hearts to blame her. Still, there was no doubt mamma had never taken to Mary in the same way as to Evey. It was partly, I think, because of the name, “Evey” I mean, which mamma loved so; and partly – now I hope it is not wrong or disrespectful of me to say this – that Mary was like me, only much prettier, and I am afraid poor little darling mamma was a tiny atom jealous for me.
However, it was all smoothed down now about Mary’s little speech, and the boys’ talk soon took away any feeling of constraint.
“The worst of a birthday so near Christmas,” said Charley, thoughtfully, “is that it muddles the presents. Either you feel as if you’d got too much, or else people give you less than if Christmas wasn’t coming, and that isn’t fair.”
“It doesn’t matter so much now we’ve made a new rule,” said Addie. “We all give birthday presents to each other, but at Christmas we only give them to father and mother, and they give to us. It’s a good plan.”
“Yes,” said Mary, “there are so many of us, you see, that the lots of Christmas presents were really dreadful.”
You might think from this that the Whytes were very rich – but if you had seen the simple presents they gave each other! Yet they weren’t silly or rubbishing, though as often as not home-made, and if not home-made, useful and practical – like gloves or neckties – the kind of presents I, I am afraid, would rather have despised. I once heard a rather spoilt little girl call such things “at any rate presents,” meaning that she would have got them any way. But new gloves and so on were too rare among my nine friends for them to be looked on in this way.
“Mother made another rule,” said Charley, who was rather a chatterbox, “at least it wasn’t a settled rule – it was one we might keep or not and nobody need know – it was about birthdays, for everybody on their birthday to promise themselves that they’d do something kind to somebody – I mean something extra, you know, like Addie writing a long letter to old nurse, which is rather a bore. But he did it.”
Addie grew red.
“And,” pursued the irrepressible Charley. “I think I know what Evey’s fixed for her private birthday treat, that’s what we call it. I couldn’t help hearing, Evey – your door was wide open when you were telling Mary. She’s going to ask An – ”
“Charley, hush,” cried Evey, for once almost cross. “If you couldn’t help hearing, you could help telling it over. And I hadn’t settled – I haven’t yet.”
“If it’s anything about Anna Gale, I just hope you haven’t settled,” I said, very crossly. “At least I hope you won’t go and do anything that will spoil your birthday for other people.”
Yvonne did not answer, but Mary began talking rather eagerly about a new game we were going to try, and for the time I forgot about Anna Gale.
I was very anxious and important about my present to Evey. I had plenty of pocket-money, and I would have loved to give Evey something very nice. But mamma – I rather think it was papa who put it into her head to say so to me – told me that she did not think it would do to give Yvonne anything very expensive. It might rather annoy the Whytes instead of pleasing them. I felt very disappointed at first, till mamma reminded me that if my real wish was to give pleasure to Evey, I should not risk mingling anything uncomfortable with it.
“That would be selfish,” she said, “pleasing yourself instead of her,” and I saw that that was true.
Indeed, everything in this world that is worth anything seems mixed up with self-denial! The longer one lives the more one sees this – I suppose it is meant to be so.
There did seem rather more self-denial than need have been about Evey’s birthday. I don’t think so now; it was my own fault that things went wrong. If I had been different about it, lots of going wrong would have been avoided, but I must tell it all straight on as well as I can, and as nearly as it happened.
Two or three days before the birthday, Evey came to me looking rather grave.
“Connie,” she said, “I’ve something to tell you which I’m afraid will vex you rather. It’s about my birthday. You remember what Charley said the other day?”
“About doing something nice for other people on your birthday,” I said. “Oh, you needn’t tell me anything more, Evey. I know what it is – you’re going to ask that horrid Anna Gale; well, I must say, I don’t see that you’ve any right to spoil other people’s pleasure, whatever you choose to do about your own. That is a queer sort of self-sacrifice.”
Yvonne looked very distressed, I had never seen her bright face so troubled before.
“Connie,” she said, “you do make me feel so unhappy, and rather puzzled. I wonder if really I have been selfish when I was so wanting to be unselfish. But it can’t be helped now. I’m not going to ask Anna, because I have asked her.”
Poor Evey; she got red and blurted it out. I think she was a little afraid of me. I was very angry, and I fear something mean in me made me get still more so when I saw that she was frightened.
“Upon my word,” I said, “you’re a queer sort of friend. If it had to be done, you might at least have told me about it, and given me the chance of being self-denying too – it wouldn’t have seemed quite so bad then. But to be forced into joining in a horrid thing and not to get any credit for it, I don’t think that’s fair. I won’t come to your birthday, Evey, that’ll be the best way out of it; and if you do care for me as you make out, that’ll be a little more self-denial, as you’re so fond of it.”
Evey looked on the point of crying, and she very seldom cried.
“Oh, Connie,” she said, “you can’t be in earnest.”
But that was all.
I only saw her once again before the birthday, and that was after church on Sunday, when Mary came running after mamma and me – we were walking home rather quickly – to say that Evey had sent her to remind me not on any account to be later than three o’clock on Tuesday afternoon. Tuesday was the day.
“Certainly, dear,” mamma replied, as I hesitated a little, “Connie will be in good time. If it is a wet day she must have a fly, for our pony – the one we drive – has got a cold, unluckily.”
“But it’s not going to be a rainy day,” said Mary, brightly. “It’s going to be lovely. So if it’s fine, Connie, do walk, and we’ll meet you. I hope the field path won’t be too muddy with the rain last week.”
And off she flew again, before I had time to say anything. But mamma looked at me inquiringly.
“Is there anything the matter, darling?” she said, anxiously. I had not told her about Anna – I was ashamed of myself in my heart.
“Everything’s the matter,” I said, shaking myself, crossly. And then I told her. Mamma was sorry for me, and sorry about the thing itself.
“I do think Evey might have – ” she began, but then she stopped. Her conscience would not let her say more. It was so very clear a case of right and wrong, of selfishness and unselfishness. For she knew, and I knew, that it was not often the Whytes could afford, any sort of “treat” – they lived very simply and plainly, and the cakes for the birthday were thought of a long time before. They were glad to ask Anna to an entertainment which would really please her and her friends, much more than being invited to tea with them quite in an every-day way.
“Dear Connie,” mamma went on, “you must try to be self-denying too. After all, I daresay Anna won’t interfere much with your amusement.”
“Yes she will,” I said, kicking the pebbles on the road; “she’ll quite spoil it. And then she’ll go telling everybody – all Miss Parker’s girls that she’s such friends with – about having been at the Yew Trees for Evey’s birthday. It’ll make it seem so common.”
“You can any way go early,” said mamma, “and be there with your friends before she comes. Then you can give your present by yourself. I don’t suppose Anna will have a present, so it is better on all accounts for you to give yours alone.”
This smoothed me down a little. Then the interest of the present itself was very great – it was a very pretty little silver brooch, made of the letters “C” and “Y” twisted together, and in those days monogram brooches were not yet common. It had been made to order of course, and though it looked simple, it had really cost a good deal. Still there was nothing about it to make the Whytes feel as if it were too handsome. By Tuesday morning, especially when the day proved clear and fine – one of our very sweetest November days – I had pretty well recovered my good temper, and was prepared to make myself agreeable. But I had not really struggled against my selfishness – I had just got tired of being cross, and let my ill-humour drop off – so I was not at all in a firm state of mind for resisting any new trial.
