Kitabı oku: «Islanders», sayfa 2
“Robinson's Solo"
The pause was long. Ivan kept silent. Аngelica smoked with pleasure, Vera persistently looked in an ashtray which was on the armrest of her armchair, Seva looked at Sergey, Arthur – in window… Then people in armchairs began to exchange glances.
“Well, be brave.” Ivan said. “I remind you: everything that happens here won't be open for public. The newcomer?”
“I don't want to be the first.” Angelica protested.
“I see: you should look around. Who wishes to tell us about the problems? I shall open you my small secret: I have got an interesting solution. With it I shall help you to get rid of the fears. In the next room, behind the door which is at my back, there is a surprise.
“What surprise?” Lida asked curiously. “We did not agree!”
“Do not worry.” Ivan smiled. “It is not painful. Sessions of psychotherapy are absolutely not painful. It’s better to say they are pleasant. About money we are not going to speak now but I am sure time comes. And time is paid by you. So …”
“I am ready to speak.” and Sergey stopped to smoke.
Lida and Vera looked at him with surprise. Sergey had caught these sights and said.
“I know it surprises you. I seemed shy. Well …I had just listened. But sooner or later there comes the moment when you are ready. Now I am ready to speak.”
“Nobody objects.” Seva muttered.
“So, Sergey wants to speak.” Ivan looked around. “Please. We listen to you attentively.”
Sergey nervously took one more cigarette from the pack and began to smoke. Lida was not glad about it but kept silent. After a little pause Sergey at last said.
“How to begin? That is the question. As a rule it is better from the beginning. Excuse me, I am nervous. I repeat. Everything around … weather, yes. Today the weather is disgusting.”
That was a long pause.
“Yes, March in this year is surprisingly cold.” Vera supported him.
“It seems that the spring will never come.” Lida added quietly. All men and Zhanna were silent. Аngelica smoked.
“Weather is disgusting.” Sergey summed up. “So, we have talked about the weather, what else? I cannot concentrate. Excuse me, I must be more talkative. Let’s begin. I was born forty two years ago in the city of Moscow, in the street … Yes, I remember the rules…This street is in the City centre. My mum … I think that won't be any secret if I shall tell you that my mum has worked all her life as the teacher at school without specification of a subject which she taught. We lived in a municipal apartment. To be sure, in a two-roomed apartment. One room was bigger and the kitchen was neither large nor small. Two tables and two cupboards and a stove were there. The relatives bought the refrigerator for the kitchen. It was so long ago. That was my childhood. We with mum lived in the big room and in the small one lived the aunt … Without names, I remember.”
He continued to smoke. Ivan didn’t say anything but his sight became suddenly so sharp as if he wanted to pin Sergey to a back of an armchair. Meanwhile Sergey continued.
“As for the metric area, it's okay. We did not apply for expansion. Our room was very big. Why are you looking at me? Yes, there are such big rooms in the center in the old apartments. Of course, we with mum would like to live in a separate apartment. But I forgot to say the aunt was ten years elder than my mum and she had a diabetes. It is a shame to speak about it but we thought she would die earlier than … in general you have understood me. And such apartment in the center you know how much it costs. Mum who was born in an old city doesn't want to move.
And the aunt … the aunt was ill, never married, had neither the husband nor children. The lonely, sick woman… We signed the contract about trusteeship. Without any details, such contract as we look after her and her room after her death comes to us. It is disgusting!” he said suddenly. “It is disgusting to be interested in someone's death! This woman became to me a close relative! Mum worked all day long earning money alone and it was hard. She wanted to give me a good education. But the aunt … While mum went on private lessons, the aunt warmed up meal for me, met me from school and then from the institute, mended my socks, ironed shirts. And after that I wished her death! It is disgusting!” he repeated again and got one more cigarette from the pack.
“But that's not your fault.” Lida said suddenly.” That's life which puts us in … such …” and she hushed up “circumstances.”
“Yes, but we should stay people under any circumstances.” Sergey answered smoking. “Excuse me, I am nervous.” and then he added. “She died one day after mum.”
“Who died? “ Arthur didn't understand him.
“The aunt who had diabetes died one day after the woman who considered herself absolutely healthy and did not go to doctors up to the last moment. I mean my mum. When at last she visited the doctors it was already late. "We couldn’t do anything." doctors told her. Last two years of my life were awful. I had already understood that it was necessary to earn money and to buy at last a separate apartment not waiting while the small room of the aunt will be ours. I had understood it.And I started to work. I earned money. I bought a car. At first one, then another, more expensive, then …” he stopped for a moment. “When I had money, both of them were sick. They were so ill that I ask somebody to stay with them. There were people near them all the time: nurses, doctors,friends. The aunt was very sociable. The old women from the next houses came to her. I tried to spend at home less time. Left early came late. Justified myself that I was earning money.”
“And why didn't you move?” Seva asked. “They had got nurses, hadn't they?”
“Feeling of a duty. I was brought up that way. I could not leave them. They wanted me to stay and though it had not been said aloud I understood it in their eyes. Both of them wanted me to prolong their lives, do you understand? I was always near and it seemed to them as soon as I disappear it will be the end. I was close up to the end. The funeral was the same day. After that I felt loneliness. I hated the old people and all their illnesses. I could not communicate with them. And … I had sold that apartment in the Center. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, of course.” Vera answered.
“And you?” Sergey looked at Lida then at Arthur sitting to the right. Lida was silent as usual. Arthur bent lips trying to smile.
“Why are you so sad, Sergey?” Ivan asked.
“Sad?” Sergey smoked a cigarette. “I don’t know such a feeling that I am the old man myself. For these forty years in that apartment close to a sick woman I felt old myself. It is a shame but when they died I didn't feel grief. I didn't want to cry. I felt nothing. The soul was empty. I wanted to stay alone.”
He stopped speaking. The others were silent too. Nobody was going to interrupt him and Sergey continued.
“Well, I want to tell you more about my private life.”
“Are you sure? It is not necessary.” Lida said.
“Why? It is interesting! Or maybe you thought that I had no private life at all? Well, of course, I had! When I was twenty six,” Sergey began to remember. “I met the girl who was younger than me … Five years younger. Yes, only five. I had met girls at the institute and … However, unimportant. But that was the special one whom I wanted to marry. The problem was she had no separate apartments. She lived with parents in a very small apartment. We fell in love and began to date. We loved each other …”
With these words Angelica began to giggle.
“Is it funny? By the way, it was not funny at all. We met waiting while her parents left or my mum went away but behind a wall there was a sick woman who knew everything, more than everything. She was curious, very curious. When the baby was born.”
“What baby?” Vera asked with a surprise.
“Why is it so surprising? You don't know how the babies are born, do you?”
“I do but …”
“You don't think that I could have a baby? But I have a daughter.” Sergey was angry.
“She is almost an adult and very independent. Sure, we wanted to get married with her mother. But we could not live together. We tried. But I didn't feel comfortable in their apartment and it was far from my work. She lived in the suburbs. And I had to work a lot to earn money and to solve our problems. She could not live with me. We had no separate room and put a screen. That was fifteen years ago. Long fifteen years ago… I asked her to rent a separate apartment she refused.”
“Why?” Zhanna asked. “She could live there with … with the girl.”
“Women are strange.” Sergey smiled. “When I had nothing, she loved me. And when I became rich, she left me. We had never lived together. She said that for those years I had changed greatly. She spoke about the Robinson complex in me. “
“What complex?” Angelica was wondered.
“It’s loneliness. You don't need people around. I became strange. But I want to ask you if it was strange or not? Why did she refuse to live together?”
“Who thinks Sergey is strange?” Ivan asked.
“Absolutely not!“ Angelica said. “He is normal!”
“Thanks.” Sergey grinned.
“Do you want me to marry you?” she could not stop speaking.
“Thanks again. But I want my family.”
“Seva?” Ivan asked.
“I?” he was frightened. “ We are all very strange. I, for example, too …”
“We will speak about you later. Vera?”
“I didn't find anything strange. Don't find.”
“Arthur?”
“Is he strange?” Arthur wondered. “I think she is strange. The woman who as you said left you.”
“You are from the category of men who always accuse women of everything.” Lida attacked him. “As for me I don't want to comment the situation.”
“Well. Zhanna?” and Ivan looked at the pretty blonde.
“I am only twenty five. I am younger than all of you. I can't judge the feelings of people. But I think if she had stopped loving him that's right that why she left.”
“I did not say: she stopped loving me.” Sergey noticed. “I think not.”
“Life is so difficult.” Seva tried to express himself. “Today she leaves, tomorrow she will return.”
“But I would like to be sure!”
“I think, you do not tell us everything.” Ivan said. “What is it, Sergey? Is there anything else?”
“Probably.”
“It is important to know everything.”
“Well. I met the other woman.” Sergey said unwillingly.
“Aha!” Angelica threatened him by her finger. “Here we are! You got confused in your mistresses …sorry, women. That's it.”
“I didn't.” Sergey said angrily. “I am sure with whom I want to stay.”
“And with whom?” Vera asked very quiet.
“Let's stop speaking about the family problems.” Arthur stopped them. “We are lucky that Sergey has only two women. If I shall start to tell you about mine whom I want or don't want it will take me a week.”
“Oh! We would like to listen to you with pleasure!” Angelica began to clap her hands.
“I am not going to listen to it.” Lida was against. “Let's stop it.”
“Wow!” Angelica was wondered. “Are you a virgin?”
“I am not!“
“By the way…” Angelica looked at everybody in the room. “Have we got here virgins? I don't want to confuse them. Sometimes I am so shocking!”
“We are all truthful enough here.” Ivan responded to her.
“Well, thanks God!”
“But it does not mean it is necessary to be rude.” again very quietly but firmly said Lida.
“It's nine.” Ivan looked at the watch. “It's time for a surprise.”
“What surprise?” greedy asked Angelica.
“I found a way how to help you to overcome your own fears. Sergey said he had the Robinson's complex. Actually he likes people and he wants to communicate. Robinson many years lived on an island searching for a way to get out and finally he met Friday. Communication is important for Sergey as well as for the others to get rid of fears. So, cross the past and think about it as you will never return back. It is necessary to move further. The others will speak later. And now I shall bring something.”
“What is it?” Angelica asked impatiently.
“Wait a minute.”
Ivan got up and left the room. Angelica took from the pack one more cigarette.
“You are smoking too much, aren't you?” asked Lida.
“And what?”
“Nothing. But you don't think about people around. Men do not smoke so much as you! “
“As for the other people …” Angelica enjoyed smoking.” I think you are always right. But it’s boring. Have you got a husband?”
“That's not your business.”
“I think you aren't married. And that is your problem!”
Totem
Lida became red and wanted to answer but at that moment Ivan came into the reception room. He carried something like a box for voting. Only the smaller size and was made from the other material not wood because it was light. Ivan came to a low little table with a transparent cover from the thick glass and put his box on it.
“What is it?” Lida asked with interest.
“By the way, are you afraid of anything?” Angelica laughed. “Are you sick? I bet you that it not a bomb!”
“Sure.” Ivan nodded. “It is our protective totem.”
“What is it?” Vera hesitated.
“Can you see that crack above?”
“Well, of course.” Arthur said.
“I guess Sergey's story had left nobody indifferent.”
“Why have you decided that?” Lida tried to put her hair in order nervously.
“I see it on your faces. You are thinking about something.You, Lida. You don’t tell me anything.” Ivan said softly. “I suggest you to overcome the fears. When I suffer from something, I act as follows myself. I write the fear on a paper and I burn it. Let’s burn the fears.”
“Burn fears?” Zhanna wondered. “How?”
“I shall carry the box in the next room. Put it on the table. There you can find clean white envelopes, pens and paper. Write your fear, put it in the envelope and throw it in the box. You will come in by turns, I understand that you hesitate. It is better to write it in loneliness …”
“And mind printed letters.” Arthur added.
“Why?” Vera asked again.
“Who knows what happens. I prefer anonymity.”
“Then we shall burn the sealed envelopes.” Ivan promised. “But you can really write printed letters. Or by the left hand.”
“Change the handwriting.” Arthur added smiling.
“Arthur is an optimist.” Ivan noticed. “He is always in a good mood. “
“I don’t understand why has he come here in general?” Angelica watched him expressively.
“Why? Oh, I’ve got the reason to come.” Arthur answered.” But I like the idea with the envelopes. To say truthfully I have also got my fear. And I dream to burn it.”
“I shall join this game with pleasure.” Angelica began to clap her hands.
“You are forty years old and you behave yourself as the little girl.” Lida revenged her.” It looks ridiculous.”
“Why do you think that I am forty?!”
“Ladies, calm down.” Ivan tried to stop them. “Lida, you quarrel with Angelica as she smokes towards you. Angelica, you know it and directly smoke to her side. Lida, it is evident. For Аngelica you now the weakest person and that’s why she attacks you. That’s your irritation, your anger. It is a weakness. Actually you are a kind woman, Lida. Why did you remind Angelica of her age knowing it will be so painful to her?”
“And she did the same. Well, that’s bad. You are right. I apologize.”
“Thanks.” Angelica answered.” I also apologize. But I am here the newcomer.”
“You are deep inside yourself.” Ivan smiled. “That’s right.”
“Are you going to comment all the situations?” Angelica asked.
“Some of them. My aim is to teach you to avoid conflicts. To be self-controlled means to own a situation. So have you got anything against it?”
“Do you mean against burning our fears?” Zhanna asked.
“Yes.”
“I am not against.” Sergey shrugged his shoulders.
“I agree.” Seva added.
“I have already showed my opinion.” Angelica noticed.
“Agree.” Arthur said at the same time.
“I support all of us.” Zhanna dropped quietly.
“And I do.” Vera said briefly.
“So, we have again the majority.” Lida signed. “I am not lucky today.”
“Well, let’s begin.”
Ivan left the room for a minute carrying the box in the next one. Seva sitting in an armchair said.
“In a circle, let’s begin with Sergey. Please.”
Sergey rose and slowly went to the door. Seva was to the left of him and took the pose as in a sport’s game preparing. As soon as Sergey had left he ran to the door.
“You are quick.” Vera noticed.
“Too quick.” Arthur added.
Seva stayed in the room only for a moment. He ran back and fell in his armchair. As if he did the duty, unpleasantly but fortunately as he had already done it. Zhanna rose from her armchair. While she went to a door Angelica looked at her figure. As she had noticed before, the girl was tall. Magnificent light hair shone on her shoulders, jeans fitted her very well.
“She could become a model.” Lida said suddenly catching that sight.
“It is not enough for a model.” Angelica answered.
“Not enough of what?”
“Everything!”
“Tell better that you envy her.”
“Ivan is looking at us. Do you want to become an object of his psychoanalysis again? I don’t.”
Zhanna returned quickly and Arthur was going to hide his fear in an envelope. Vera’s turn was after him. They were there equal quantity of time as if they had agreed. Lida stayed there the longest. And when she returned, Angelica asked her suspiciously:
“Have you read everything written by the others?”
Lida became red and Ivan noticed.
“It is impossible. Only I know how to open the box.”
“I was thinking!” Lida answered her angrily.
“Don’t think much!”
And Angelica jumped out of her armchair and slowly went out showing off her figure. Really she returned quickly. Angelica was the last, Ivan said.
“It is my turn. I shall bring the totem back.”
In a minute he returned with "the box" and put it on the low little table.
“Here there are your fears. We have almost got rid of them. We must burn them now.”
“And how shall we do it?” Zhanna asked.
“There is a metal tray in the kitchen. I shall open the box we take out envelopes on a tray and burn them.”
“And nobody knows what is written inside.” Arthur noticed smiling.
Sergey looked at his watch and offered.
“Perhaps, shall we have a break? One and a half hour has passed as we here. I suggest to make a break and then to continue. Then we will burn our fears.”
“I support!” Seva supported him with joy.
“I don’t mind to go out on a balcony to breath fresh air.” Angelica said dreaming.
“I also want the break.” said Lida. “I’ll go to the bathroom.”
And she touched her hair which was really in a disorder.
“At last you are in the majority.” Vera noticed. “I personally don’t need the break but if everybody insists so much …”
“So, by the majority of voices it is solved.” Ivan summed up. “We do a ten-minute break. We may breath in the balcony or smoke in the corridor or whatever.”
“I can make coffee.” Zhanna suggested.
“Perfect!” Arthur said with enthusiasm. “Zhanna, you are the best!”
“And I want coffee too.” Vera signed.
“Coffee and cigarettes.” Lida condemned them. “At night!”
“What’s wrong, darling?” Angelica asked. “If you don’t want, don’t drink! And I do with pleasure! And by the way you are alone again!”
“Does anybody else want coffee?” Ivan looked at them. They all kept silence. “It means seven cups of coffee. Zhanna, can I help you?”
“No, I shall try.” and the girl rose from the armchair.
“So, let’s have the break.”
Ivan also rose and said.
“I will go out for ten minutes to the cabinet as you are not against.”
And he went out the same time as Zhanna who moved to the kitchen. Angelica followed them then Vera and Lida, Sergey was with Arthur. Seva stayed alone.
Alone at the coast: Sergey
In his childhood he needed love greatly. He was small, proud and lonely. He wanted to be hugged but he jumped aside from everybody who tried to do it. It seemed to him that all these people faked. So he grew up thinking that nobody loved him. And when he became an adult he began to feel absence of love in himself. Still proud and lonely, he avoided hugs as well as kisses and any open emothins. In childhood he had learned to laugh at everybody who kissed in public. He was shy about the aunt, she seemed old and very ugly and mum had been almost always busy, worked a lot with her private lessons and got tired much earlier than there came time of love. He was lack of the fairy tales at night, a parent kiss in a cheek and tender words “good night, dear". He was dreaming about it lying in bed with the open eyes waiting for his mother. He was thinking.
And finally he had had an idea that the most sensitive people were idlers. They had no problems at all. He understood that himself when he started to work all night long. In the underground watching people passing by with the indifferent faces he thought that people had blamed the century of cruelty in vain and soon it would be worse. People were stressful from unemployment. No free time and no will to earn money. They used the feelings of the others. The TV, show business, the Internet … All these were developing so quickly and at the same time the feelings were gone. They had no time for growing. His own feelings were as green as the wild apples. They had grown on a tree which was not taken cared of well and that’s why their taste was bitter.
In the childhood he wanted the creature so much, small creature to take care of and love. He thought as he was not loved, he would love himself. He wanted it greatly. It would be good to have the younger brother or the little sister but he could only dream about it. He wanted a cat or a dog. He was shy to feel the desire to patronize, protect and once asked.
“Mum, let’s have a dog.”
Mother refused. And she was right. The dog was a problem, very noisy. You needed to feed it, to walk with. “Let’s buy you small fishes, Sergey.” she offered and put her arm on his shoulder.
He didn’t want fishes. They were cold and silly. They looked very silly. But he agreed because they were alive. And they could somehow color his loneliness. He couldn’t like them but he felt it won’t be boring to have them. He could sit near the aquarium for hours watching fishes and trying to understand where they were swimming in the clear water. The water in the aquarium always was clear as he took care of that. And he was glad.
Then it began to seem that he had known everything about these fishes. Where they were swimming in pair seconds as well as they quickly rushed in and in some time fell asleep caught by his attentive sight. He liked himself to be the small Lord of the World who had created an inhabitancy of these creatures and supported their lives comfortable. Only on him they depended when they would be fed in the water and how they would be warmed by the light. Finally he could fry all of them. And stop their stupid fish existence.
Once mum was worried by his motionless sitting at the aquarium and asked.
“Sergey, is everything all right with you?”
“Yes, absolutely.”
“Is it really interested you to sit always close? Watching?”
“Yes. ”
“You are a strange child.”
“What is strange that I study fishes?”
“To study means to read about them. I have not seen on your table any books about them. Do you know what exactly they are from? What kind are they? Why have they got such color?”
“I know what they think. It does not depend on color and where they are from. They think about food.”
“Sergey! These are only fishes! They can’t think! They only swim!”
“All of them are swimming to that part where there can be food. Look at that little one. I bought him as he was the smallest. The rest I do not want to know. That is a pretty fish, Mum! Look, Mum! He is waiting when I shall throw food in water! Because his food is over! And he is still hungry! How beautiful he is but he is not quick. It seems he could not survive.”
“You will help him, won’t you? “
“Shall I put him in a separate aquarium? May be … But it is boring. I will think whether it’s worth or not.” he said it absolutely as an adult.
“You are a strange child.” repeated his Mum. “But you study well and I haven’t got any problems with you. Teachers praise you, they do not complain about. I think you are all right. What do you think?”
She looked at him attentively. He nodded.
“Yes. I feel well. I am healthy.”
“Okay.” Mum smiled. “Very soon you will become an adult and you will be excited by something else. Girls, for example. And you will forget about your fishes.”
She was not right. He of course was excited about girls. But they were not so much different from fishes. He almost always guessed their thoughts. They were attractive. He got them as the best fishes, the girl-friends and the rest he didn’t want to know. The one who feeds and changes water in an aquarium was special. Finally he could just fry them all. If he boiled the water all of them would be dead. Or he can block oxygen there and to watch them dying. It was amusing.
“Oh, Mum, Mum! You would better to buy me a dog!” he thought looking at people sitting in armchairs. All of them were fishes. They were floating where he wanted. They did not guess at all what will happen to them. And they believed in his "confession".”
If you wanted people believe you it would be better to tell the truth. But truth was like an iceberg the most dangerous part of which always stayed under water as well as your secret dreams. On a surface there stayed only one part. THEY were guilty. Their truth was hidden under water. He didn’t want to risk, to sympathize, to give an advice. In fact you couldn’t realize the sizes of the iceberg under the water.
They thought he was truthful. They knew nothing about the iceberg …
