Kitabı oku: «Deep Desires»

I see him in the hallway getting his mail, but shamefully pretend I don’t. I go as far as to pretend we’re actually strangers, and have never so much as exchanged a nod of the head. Instead of the truth, which is still utmost in my mind:

I watched you masturbate last night.

I think the words at his back, as he turns and begins to sift through whatever letters he’s received. Probably bills, I’m sure. Maybe a leaflet from a charity he donates to. Possibly a subscription to a really innocent and normal magazine.

Like Horny Voyeurs Monthly.

Because that’s what I am, isn’t it? I stepped out of my life of supermarket working and TV watching and dying a little inside every day, and I watched with bated breath as a man did something sexual to himself, in the ostensible privacy of his home.

Even though it’s not really privacy at all now. I mean, he had to know that wasn’t private. He must have understood that I could see him, that anyone could have seen him, even though I rarely see an open curtain in this place.

But when I push those words into his back and he doesn’t even turn, I start to think otherwise. He didn’t secretly want someone to see him. And whatever connection I’m imagining between us is just that: imaginary. None of this is actually real. I’m just a loser who spied on someone, and he’s actually a really cool guy who has an amazing job, like software developer.

Those glasses he wears? They’re not dorky. They’re … they’re hipster.

And that’s what I’m thinking when he closes the metal door of his little post box – not three times, like Kayla claimed – and starts in my direction. Hipster, I think, cool and unattainable and awesome, as he strides towards me in slow motion. Those eyes, like something blurred beneath a mist-covered pane of glass. Those cheekbones – God, did he have cheekbones like that before? I could reach out and cut my finger on them, if I ever dared to do anything like touch him.

Which, of course, I won’t. I can’t even bring myself to meet his gaze when it flicks to me for just the barest second – like maybe he can’t help himself. He wants to be aloof, I think. He needs to pretend that all of this is just something I dreamed up, one night when I couldn’t sleep.

Only that one darting look says otherwise. It flashes out of him, as bright and sharp as he is dark and blunted. And once he’s made it all the way to the end of this stifling green hallway – like a tunnel in a funhouse that doesn’t exist – I take that one surreptitious glance and bury it down deep inside me.

I keep it close, for all the times I’ve wanted something like that and been denied.

He saw me.

And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have seen him.

* * *

The next time I dare to look, I’m disappointed. Of course I am. He’s closed his curtains, like a sign: I know what you did. And I don’t like it.

Even though I know that’s completely irrational. If I accept that he knows what I did, I have to also accept that he did it on purpose. He could have stopped once he realised I was watching – and yet here we are. Trapped in our places. Him with his curtains drawn, me wishing they weren’t.

Though I understand it’s not just because of the dirty things now. It’s not just because of his gorgeous body and his filthy actions, I swear it’s not. It’s those eyes, burning out at me. It’s that look that lingered long after the event, so furtive and … and complicit, somehow. I lie in bed thinking of the weight of that gaze, and when I actually entertain the idea of putting my hand between my legs it’s with his face in mind.

Would he stare at me like that as he fucked me? With that kind of intensity? I don’t know and obviously will never be privy to it, but that’s beside the point, isn’t it? I can fantasise. For the first time in my life, I can actually fantasise about a real, living, breathing person and not panic.

I’m safe, behind the glass. I can lie on my stomach and press a pillow between my thighs, then imagine him taking me like that, haunches up like an animal. With Sid, it was never like that. It was always face to face so that he could slap me as we did it, but I’m not sure my blue-eyed Serial Killer would be that way.

He’d probably just chop up my body and put it in the freezer.

Or maybe he’ll simply leave his curtains open, when I least expect it.

It’s the seventh day since it happened, and I’ve almost started thinking it was a dream. And then I wake up twisted on my side, foggy with images I don’t want to have in my head, and there’s a glow seeping into my apartment. I can see it just edging its fingers across the carpet, like the light of a convenience store after you’ve just trekked ten miles through a barren desert.

I think of the Rocky Horror Picture Show – that song they sing when they see the castle and think everything’s going to be OK – and then I heave myself out of bed like a zombie and stumble across to that light.

It can’t be helped. I’m dying of thirst. I’m drowning in desperation. I have to hang on to my own curtains just to keep myself standing, and then I see him. He’s in the window, just like before. On the same day, too, I realise, which practically makes this some sort of ritual. I was silly to doubt him, or imagine he thought badly of me.

He just likes to do it on the same day every week, the way he likes to do everything. The orange, I remember, always gets peeled at the same time. And he picks his mail up at certain intervals – maybe when it’s safe to come out of his lair.

And so it follows that he stands in front of his window half-naked, at the previously allotted time. He’s even wearing the same garb he did before – those queer longjohns, so tight over his every bulge and curve.

Though there’s a subtle difference.

He’s not stood up. He’s sat at that little table in front of his window, and he isn’t staring straight forward, like an automaton playing out a role.

He’s staring up at my window. I know he is. I know he is even though I kind of lean forwards and look up, expecting to somehow see a prettier woman in the apartment above … Or maybe she’s below me? Yeah, maybe she’s doing an exotic dance for him in the apartment below me, and, once she’s done, that’s when he masturbates.

For her. Not for me.

And the message he’s scrawled on his window in lipstick?

That’s for her, too.

Your turn now, it says, and I can’t help admiring his gall. I admire his lettering, too – as neat as he seems, as ordered, in spite of the ink he’s used. I’m fairly certain it’s lipstick – so red and garish, glaring in the backwash of that strange light from his apartment – but of course I can’t fathom why.

He seems more the sort to have made a neatly printed sign in Microsoft Word, with an elegant and stark border and a font that can be registered clearly. It’s your turn now, it would say, but maybe with a sincerely, The Serial Killer after it, instead of what I get.

Which is nothing.

I’m allowed that much – no names, no promises, no pleases or thank yous – and even that much seems like a stretch. I didn’t realise he knew how to talk. That wasn’t a part of the programme when he first introduced me to it.

I’m just supposed to watch, I think. That’s my role: to watch him peel out of his clothes and abuse himself. He has to know that I can’t do the same for him in return, no matter how tightly he folds those massive arms or how closely he watches me be this shadow in the window.

Because that’s what I’ll look like, isn’t it? My light isn’t on. He can maybe make out the wispy white corner of my nightgown, and possibly the edge of one of my arms. I’m a ghost made up of higgledy-piggledy random parts, which he’s probably pieced together in completely the wrong order.

In his head, he’s given me a slimmer build, smaller breasts, daintier feet and hands. That glimpse he caught of me in the hall … it hasn’t helped him. He probably just saw my eyes, black as night and twice as lovely as the rest of me, and made his suppositions from there.

Now I’m some exotic gypsy, ready to play for him. I’m not a girl who let some man degrade her for a year, before breaking free into absolute nothingness. Into this place, chill as an arctic night. Into this life, monotonous and samey but ultimately safe.

I don’t have to worry in this life.

Or, at least, I didn’t have to worry. Until now.

Which is probably why I slowly draw my curtain back across the window, and return to my bed. And then, once I’m there, I sleep the numbing sleep of the dead.

* * *

The words are gone by the next night, and I know what that means all too well. I missed my chance. I didn’t do what I was told, so now I have to pay. Of course, the price in this situation is far less than the ones I’ve paid in the past. It’s just a withdrawal of a promise, an erasure of possible delights and pleasures that I’m sure I didn’t want anyway.

Yet it stings all the same. I’m back to being just a checkout girl, who doesn’t dance with a Serial Killer in the pale moonlight. I’m nothing, I think, as I stare down at his sullenly dark window.

And then the light in his apartment abruptly goes on, and suddenly my heart is beating like a trapped bird in my chest. There doesn’t even seem to be any build up to it, either. One second I’m silent and still inside, the next second my pulse is trying to leap out of my body. I can lie and lie and lie to myself, it seems, and pretend that I don’t care whether I’m nothing or not, but my body tells the truth.

It means something to me that he comes to the window half-dressed, sweatpants slung so low on his hips a breath could knock them down. It means that he didn’t care whether I did anything for him or not.

He’s still going to do anything for me.

And he does. Anything, I mean. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a guy do the things he offers me, right there in his window where anyone could see. In all honesty, I’ve never even seen a guy masturbate, or be vulnerable, or give a single thing without taking. So this … this is right out.

He puts his fingers in his mouth, slow, slow. Like he’s putting on a show for me, and knows it. He even knows the things I want to see – like the glimpse of his tongue I get between those two filthy fingers. It’s a promise, I think, some sort of seductive version of a guy suggesting a very specific sex act, but different to that, too.

I don’t think of guys in bars, waggling their tongues. I think of that slippery thing just easing over my swollen clit, and then suddenly my hand is on the window, holding me up. The glass is ice cold beneath my palm and barely any comfort at all, but that’s OK. I don’t need comfort here.

I need him to keep doing whatever he’s going to do.

Though of course it isn’t what I expect. At first it goes that way. He slides that hand down under the waistband of his sweatpants, and I can see him stroking over the thick shape beneath the material. I can even recall exactly what that heavy thing looked like, all slippery at the tip and swollen, most of it the same honey colour as his gorgeous body.

But he only lingers there a little while. He strokes once, maybe twice, enough to get his eyes to stutter closed. I see that lewd little tongue come out to wet his lips – those lips like a bow, notching an arrow straight at my heart – and then his hand slides around inside that secretive material. I mean, you can just about see what he’s doing. The cloth is thin enough to make out his knuckles, shifting like a formless face beneath a veil.

But it’s all just hidden enough that you can imagine you’re seeing things. It’s a magic trick, an illusion, and I’m holding my breath for some kind of big reveal. I’ve clenched my fist into the centre of my chest again, as that hand makes its way around his body and oh God, oh God.

He’s not going to do that, is he? Does he know I’m not even sure what that is? I’ve heard whispers. I’ve seen movies. I know that people don’t just put peg A into slot B. Yet even so I’m trembling and mesmerised, watching him touch himself in this unbearably intimate way.

It’s worse than if he were naked. I have to imagine it all instead – though all my imagination can come up with is him stroking slow and wet between the cheeks of his arse, teasing himself the way that I sometimes tease myself. I don’t go in, you know. I don’t do that. I just rub over that tightly clenched hole while I play with my clit, and usually when I do my mind goes elsewhere.

But he keeps my mind right here.

His mouth is open now, and his eyes are closed. I can still tell what expression he’s wearing behind them, however. I’d know mindless pleasure anywhere, having seen it faked a million times – which makes me think this is just a show, for a little while. He’s squirming around in a way men never do, and I can almost hear his moans as he pretends to work a finger into his tight little asshole … but none of it’s actually real.

Until he jerks and sinks his teeth into his lower lip, and I see the spreading darkness on the front of his sweatpants.

I may be dumb and mute and foolish, but I know what that means. He’s just worked himself to a shuddering climax on those probing, searching fingers, and I missed half of it, imagining it was all a masquerade. I missed the strangest, most exciting event of my life, because I couldn’t believe it was real.

It’s not a surprise.

* * *

I’ve always thought the fluorescent lights in the store where I work were very bright. Unbearably bright. I go home still squinting from their glare, and remain so even in the closed-off darkness of The Courtyard.

And yet somehow they seem dimmer today than they did before. They’ve lost power in the time between me looking into the Serial Killer’s eyes and right now. They’ve turned to a low and crackling blue, somewhere in the distance of my life.

Though it isn’t just them. The candy-bright wrappers that line the shelves seem to have faded; my apron is more worn and withered than it once was. I take the thing off the moment I get home, and marvel at the thinness of the material, the patheticness of the pattern. Is this what I’ve been wearing all this time? This chequered thing, as limp and lifeless as a body found floating in the pool?

I don’t know, but it feels good to get the apron off. And it feels even better to stand beneath the groaning pipes of my crookedly tiled shower and wash all of that away. When I’m done, I put on the long nightgown – the one I cleaned and dried this morning, in the rumbling machines that shudder around the washroom – and go to the window.

By the time I do, my heart is already hammering in my chest. These little meetings – they could still be a dream of some sort. Maybe I think I’m awake when I’m asleep, and asleep when I’m awake. Maybe he’s changed his mind, and finds me a dull sort of creature, now.

It’s not as though he’s wrong after all. I’m so dull I’m almost crying, torn with tension over something as simple as opening the curtain. What if he’s there, oh God, what if he’s there? And even worse: what if he’s not? I don’t think I could take it if he wasn’t, though, when I wrench the curtain back and his window is dark and silent, I’m surprisingly calm.

This is how things are supposed to be, I think. I can’t be disappointed about something that shouldn’t really happen to me. It’s not even all that big a deal, really – just a little game played through two windows in the middle of the night. No one would ascribe it some profound meaning, or pin so many of their hopes on it continuing.

Yet my heart still jerks in my chest when I catch a glimpse of something stirring through the darkness. A flash of white, I think it is – the way my nightgown probably looks – and then I see the now familiar shape of him more clearly.

He’s sat in a chair in front of the table that sits below his window. And everyone now and then he’ll reach forward for a glass he’s placed on the wood, in this deliberate sort of way – like a rich man in a velvet club, waiting for the girl to come out.

I’m the girl, I think. He’s waiting and watching for me, even though I can’t see his eyes to confirm. There’s a black band of darkness over them like a blindfold made of nothing, and, I have to say, it makes me feel easier about turning on the light. His eyes are as sightless as the dozens of curtain-covered windows that stare down at me, so what does it matter if I just do this thing?

I barely feel exposed at all once I have. I’m electric instead, trembling with a kind of excitement I’ve never felt before. Different points of my body call to me, call to me, like a siren song. And I go to them. I do.

I stroke my breasts through material that had seemed thick before but now feels gossamer light. In fact, it’s so light I can make out the exact shape of my stiff nipples beneath, so taut and spiky I can hardly bear to touch them. And the response I get when I do … oh God. The sensation that radiates outwards as I circle first one, then the other …

It’s enough to make me gasp without thinking, and then of course my face heats directly afterwards. Of course it does – I’m not supposed to make a sound. I’m not supposed to be noisy and uncouth, and I think of that restriction all the way up until the moment of realisation:

It doesn’t actually matter if I am.

After all, I’m alone right now. There’s no one else in here with me. I could scream and no one would hear me, though I’m nowhere close to that. I’m closer to moaning, like some shameless whore, and the more I do, the worse it gets.

I’m already wet, I know. I can feel my own slick cream every time I move, easing over my swollen clit and making all of those flushed folds so slippery, so ready to be parted and stroked, though I’m not ready for that just yet. I have to wait, until the pleasure reaches fever pitch. Until I’m gasping and tilting forwards towards the glass, pulling and plucking at my nipples while my face heats and my mouth makes this lewd sort of O.