I regret to inform you that I was not released from the hospital until yesterday. The injuries were severe and, as you no doubt recall, I have never been a good healer.

Dr. Armitage offered the opinion that the sugar, at the time of impact, was heated to approximately 370° F. Mr. Maeseneer, Esq., was kind enough to suggest that I initiate legal proceedings against the restaurant, pastry chef and, of course, yourself. However, as you know, I would miss the Gratinée de Coquille St. Jacques. And, as I am well aware of the state of your finances, expecting remuneration would be more than foolhardy.

Elle, please understand that I do not regret the six long years we spent together. You are a very special person, with a great deal of vivacity, and as one Chapter ends another is sure to begin. Although, if you will allow advice from a fond ex-fiancé, you might learn to curb your temper.

Sincerely,

Louis M. Ferris

Louis M. Ferris, Esquire

P.S. It has come to my attention that, during your somewhat disordered departure, you must have inadvertently removed my stamp collection with your belongings. Please return ASAP.

LMF: je

1665 Massachusetts Avenue NW • Washington, DC 20036 • (202) 555-0221

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 1

I got the fancy cheese grater from Williams-Sonoma. I got the obscenely fat, three-wicked candle his sister gave us. I got the cut-out New Yorker cartoons, saved against a rainy day for eventual decipherment. I even got the instant ear thermometer (I never get sick, but I knew he would miss it).

All was taken in manner of the break-up scene in The Jerk, where a drunk Steve Martin stumbles out the door, pants around his ankles, grabbing whatever catches his eye. Was proud at the time that I shrieked like a harridan for his sister’s handwritten instructions about burning the candle, then deeply disappointed to read simply: “Burn no longer than one hour. Enjoy!” Have been preoccupied on flight to Santa Barbara wondering what happens if I burn longer. Explosion? Toxic fumes?

For the first time, I drink real Bloody Marys on the plane, not virgins. Concern over Death Candle melts away in cloud of drunken amiability. I delight my neighbor, a genteel old lady wearing a Laura Ashley frock, with details of my breakup with Louis. Her eyebrows beetle when I call the Iowan floozy a scheming slut. Could she be from Iowa? I assure her I don’t think all floozies from Iowa are scheming sluts.

Am pleasantly surprised when old lady says there are extra seats in back, smiles kindly, and leaves in a waft of grandmotherly perfume. I scoot to the window seat and lay my head against the cold plastic wall.

Start to cry as I fall asleep to thoughts of my big, expensive, perfect wedding. And my small, cheap, flawed future.

I wake when the plane touches ground. There’s a scattering of applause, and for a euphoric moment I think it’s for me.

I was dreaming about trying on clothes in an endless, utopian version of the Better Dresses department of my childhood department store. The dressing room is large and shell-pink, filled with Donna Karans, Armanis, Guccis, Diors and pre-Stella-McCartney-bail Chloes. Everything I put on makes my body look like Halle Berry’s. When did I get such a perfect ass? I can’t stop turning and admiring it in the mirror. Like an old Labrador lying down for a nap, I turn and admire, turn and admire, searching for the best of all possible views.

Reaching for the price tag on a Missoni sheath, I can’t quite make out the numbers. I ask the manager (who, oddly, is my fifth grade teacher, Mr. Bott) to help me. He says, “You never were a good reader, Elle,” presents me with a gold Neiman Marcus credit card (not Robinson’s after all) and says, “Take it all, you gorgeous thing.” The beautiful young salespeople applaud.

I open my eyes, smiling modestly, to find a middle-aged couple across the aisle clapping. Because the plane landed. As if a safe landing is more important than a perfect ass in a Missoni.

I straighten in my seat, a crick in my neck, cranky from my nap. Doesn’t help that shopping orgasm was all a dream. And that my feet have swollen to the size of pineapples, and won’t slip back into my boots, forcing me to leave them unzipped.

I peer out the mini-window at the Santa Barbara airport. Looks like a Spanish hacienda. I’ve only been home once since college and the hacienda makes me feel nostalgic and young again—can’t wait to impress my friends and family with all the brilliant things I learned at Georgetown, plus tales of my fabulous attorney fiancé and high-society Washington lifestyle. Cheered, I wander down the stairs toward the tarmac, half-expecting the whir and flash of paparazzi cameras.

It’s all wrong. I’m blinded by runway lights, suffocated by fresh air, struck with sick-making vertigo. I clutch the stair-railing as I’m ambushed by the truth: I’m no longer twenty-one, all I recall from Georgetown is my relief at having graduated, my family doesn’t live here anymore, my fabulous fiancé dumped me for an Iowan floozy, I never had a lifestyle—and now I don’t even have a life.

I start crying again, and the grandmotherly old lady lays a gentle hand on my arm and brushes past, muttering “move it, you feeble lush.”

Resolve in future to keep my airborne Marys virginal.

I’ve lined up my seventh suitcase (of thirteen, but some are quite small) in the baggage claim tent, when Maya bounces up. She’s as cute as she was in high school, with a short tousle of blond curls, huge green eyes and a petite teenage body that belies her twenty-six years. She’s my opposite. I’m taller, with long dark corkscrew hair, and more curvy than petite.

She smiles at me, and I feel dirty, tangled, big and miserable. She sees my unzipped boots and unstable expression and opens her arms. I fall into them, weeping.

“Oh, Elle.” She giggles. “You’re just the same!”

Chapter 2

He’s perfect. Brad. Maya’s boyfriend.

It was ever her way. In high school, she had a string of cute, smart, loving boyfriends. My string consisted of the geeky boys in my fourth-period chemistry class. Bunsen-Burner-du-Jour and I would get drunk on Saturday night, fool around, then pretend we hadn’t touched each other on Monday. I got a C-in chemistry.

Perfect Brad. Charming, handsome, always says the right thing. Not in an Eddie Haskell way, but as if he really cares. For someone like me, who’s fairly certain no one would hold a funeral if she died, the effect is…effective. Okay, it’s cataclysmic. But I decide not to fall in love with him, on the grounds that it would be incestuous—and, honestly, if you’re living with Maya, why switch to Elle?

He is waiting when we get home from the airport. He gives Maya a welcome-home kiss, and me a nice-to-finallymeet-you peck on the cheek. He offers a nightcap. I take a ladylike slug of bourbon while they sip wine.

“You must get a good price on alcohol,” I say, because Maya owns a bar downtown with her father.

She yawns before agreeing. “Yep. We drink wholesale.” She sits on the couch with Perfect Brad, curled into the crook of his arm. It’s late and I know they’re ready for bed, but I don’t want to be alone. I knock back my bourbon so I can ask for another before they finish their wine and leave me.

They look so content and normal that I don’t know what to say. The price of liquor was my only conversational gambit. And I’m afraid that Maya’s going to ask about my life: what happened to Washington, what happened to Louis, what happened to the aborted wedding and the non-existent career? Certain she’s going to pounce, I distract her with Fodors-type questions about new restaurants in town.

“There’s a neat tapas restaurant on the Mesa,” she answers. “And a couple new Mexican places on Milpas. Superica’s still there, but the line’s around the block. L.A. people discovered it, so—”

I blurt: “The breakup was fine.”

She looks at Perfect Brad. He refills my glass. They’ve been talking about me.

“Good,” Maya says. “I’m glad.”

“I mean, perfectly amicable, reasonable, mature…”

“Okay, Elle. What happened?” she asks.

See? I knew she was going to ask.

“We realized we’d been growing apart. We had different goals, different priorities.” Like I wanted a wedding, and he wanted an Iowan. “It was very, he was very, I was very, we were very…civilized!” I gesture wildly with my drink, and a bit sloshes out. I clean the side of my glass with my tongue. Klassy. “Anyway, there’s nothing to say, really.”

They look at me, faces wreathed with pity and sympathy. I manage not to bawl.

“What about the wedding?” Maya gently asks. “We were all set to come…”

“Oh, that. It’s nothing.” I dismiss it with a wave of my hand. “But it was going to be beautiful. The flowers were hot-house peonies, the linens pale peach, the confetti cannon was rented.” Tears come to my eyes. “I’d even hired Mr. Whistle to cater.”

“Mr. Whistle?”

Yeah. Mr. Whistle.

It happened at Citronelle, in Washington, D.C.

I love Citronelle—the glass-front kitchen, the witty food, the elegant people. Plus it’s fun to say chef Michel Richard’s name with a cheesy French accent: Meeshell Reesharrrd.

I sat at one of the few tables with a view of the kitchen, sipping iced tea and watching one of the cooks fry shitakes, waiting for Louis. I’d come from Mr. Whistle’s, where he and I had discussed the wedding menu. The oppressively expensive menu I couldn’t afford. In fact, Mr. Whistle was this close to canceling my catering reservation. He’d run my credit card—never a good idea.

Which brings us to Louis, who is an attorney and makes buckets of cash. His buckets were the only reason Mr. Whistle had agreed to see me. I’d left him with a promise that I’d return after lunch with Louis and his platinum card.

Problem: Louis didn’t know he was paying for the wedding.

I’d tried to get my father to pay. But when I’d called him with the news, what did I get? No “congratulations, darling.” No “when’s the date?” Not even an “it’s about time.”

I got: “I hope you don’t expect me to pay, Eleanor. I’ve spent enough on marriage. Why don’t you elope?”

Dad’s had five wives, and is never so generous as during divorce proceedings.

Louis, on the other hand, is always cheap. But he’s almost an associate partner, so paying for my perfect wedding wouldn’t financially wound him—just sting a bit.

I was watching the shitakes sizzle when the maitre d’ showed Louis to our table.

“Allo, Lou-ee.” I always pronounced his name the French way when at Citronelle. I kissed him with a bit more oomph than usual. “I missed you,” I said.

He’d been in Iowa for two weeks on business, and I’d been lonely. Worth the sacrifice though—I knew nothing about the deal, but his bonus was meant to be significant. Maybe enough to cover the wedding.

“Hi, Ellie.” He hugged me, sans oomph.

It was good to see him. Tired and rumpled, his presence was an immediate comfort. He was my personal grounding rod: solid and true. He made me want to be a good wife, like, say Barbara Bush. Though, obviously, not so conservative, curly white-haired, or, well…old.

“Ellie. Are you listening?”

“What?” Oops, good wives pay attention. “Yes! I’ll have the chicken.”

“I said I’ve been trying to call you for a week. You never answer.”

“They have scallops today,” I said—his favorite. I didn’t want to tell him I’d been avoiding the phone because a credit card company or two might be wondering about payments. But his face clouded, and I knew he wouldn’t let me change the subject that easily. “Sorry I didn’t call back,” I said. “I’ve been so busy planning.”

“Planning?”

“Helloooo.” I laughed. “Our wedding.”

“Oh. Right. Um, listen—”

“Will you come to Mr. Whistle’s after lunch? We need to finalize the menu, and I want your opinion.” And your wallet.

“No. I can’t go to the caterer.”

Nuts. “Have to get back to work so soon?” Maybe I could slip his Visa from his wallet when he went to the bathroom. The scallops are spicy, and he always visited the men’s room to blow his nose after eating them. But how could I get him to leave the wallet?

“Ellie,” he said. “I’ve met someone else.”

Should I ask him to leave his wallet, so I could pay the bill? Maybe I should pretend I wanted to check he still had my picture—what?

“You what?”

“In Iowa. I met someone.”

“In Iowa you did what?”

He flushed. “I—I met someone else.”

“A woman? You met a woman?”

“We can’t get married, Elle. I’m sorry.”

A deep breath. Calm, calm. Six years is a long time, it was only natural he’d be getting cold feet. We’d laugh about this in a month. After he paid dearly.

“Of course we can still get married. Don’t be silly. It’s only one last flirtation.” The word flirtation stuck in my throat, but I refused to let the groom ruin my wedding.

Louis shook his head and mumbled.

“I understand, marriage is scary.” I patted his hand. “No matter how committed or in love two people are. So you met another woman on your trip. It’s nerves, of course, you—”

“I didn’t just meet her, Ellie.”

Something cold dripped down my spine, but I ignored it. The wedding dress had been purchased. The Wedgwood pattern (Classic Garden) chosen. “So, you slept with another woman.” I gulped my iced tea, feigning calm. “I’m extremely disappointed in you. But our time together means more than some one-night stand.”

“No. Ellie, I’m sorry, but—”

“If it makes you feel better, I’ll sleep with another woman.” A joke to lighten the mood, despite the anger I felt simmering.

“Elle. Listen to me. We didn’t just sleep together. We got married.”

“Married?!” I slammed my glass on the table. “What about Mr. Whistle?”

“And that’s when I grabbed the crème brûlée,” I tell Maya and Perfect Brad. “It was passing by on a dessert tray.”

I drain a third bourbon before Brad takes my glass and returns the bottle to the kitchen. I slobber shamelessly and tell Maya how much I love her. I yell to Brad that I love him, too.

“Is she gonna be all right?” he calls to Maya.

She tells him she’s seen me like this before, tucks me into my bed on the living room couch and follows Brad to the bedroom. I wonder if they’re going to have sex. I wonder how long it will be before anyone wants to sleep with me again.

I stare at the two towers of suitcases stacked next to me in the dark. Why don’t they make skyscrapers out of nylon, Velcro and wheels? Lightweight and durable. Suitcase apartments with zipper closets…

An hour later, I abruptly wake and lurch to the bathroom. Careful of my hair, I retch two gallons of Bloody Mary mix and Maker’s Mark, and seven little bags of honeyed peanuts. I flush as Maya knocks on the door.

“Elle? Are you okay?”

I open the door. “Better now.”

“Still a puker? Some things never change.”

Which is exactly what I’m afraid of.

Chapter 3

I wake with the Sunday edition of the Santa Barbara News-Press on my belly. I’m depressed and hungover, and unsure how to take the newspaper delivery. Helpful encouragement, or a hint that I’m not welcome for long?

The headline of the Lifestyle section is about Oprah buying a fifty-million-dollar house in Montecito, the über-rich suburb of Santa Barbara. Eager to jump into the job and apartment hunt, I make a list to evaluate my present situation:

Oprah: Recently moved to S.B.

Me: Recently moved to S.B.

Even Steven.

Oprah: Between forty-five and fifty.

Me: Twenty-six.

I’m ahead!

Oprah: Famous and beloved.

Me: Not so famous. And even my lovers don’t belove me.

Back to even?

Oprah: Offers wisdom, advice and companionship on nationally syndicated hugely successful talk show.

Me: Interviewed once on the street. Local news-woman asked what Christmas gift I’d give the world. I said, “Miatas.”

Oprah slightly ahead.

Oprah: Owns her own magazine: O. Graces cover each month in cheerful, feel-good outfit.

Me: Own many outfits.

Gap widening.

Oprah: Never lost fiancé to Iowan Floozy.

Me: Lost fiancé to Iowan Floozy.

Oprah shoots forward.

Oprah: Billionaire. Driven, smart, self-made.

Me: Credit risk. Coasting, smart, self-conscious.

Can taste Oprah’s dust in my mouth.

Oprah: On the chubbier side.

Me: The less chubby side.

Cold comfort.

Maya enters, bearing fresh coffee. “Did you see Oprah’s moving to town?”

“Is she?” I take a life-giving sip. “Where’s Brad?”

“Working.”

At SoftNoodle, a post-dot-com dot-com. They wanted a name that evoked both software and brains. Instead, they got impotence. “He works Sundays?”

“All the geeks do.”

“He’s not geeky. He’s perfect.”

“He’s not perfect!”

“He looks, talks, tastes and is Perfect Brad.”

“Tastes?”

“You know what I mean. Name one way he’s not perfect.”

“He’s not Jewish.”

“Oh,” I say. “That.”

Maya and I have been friends since we were twelve. She always celebrated the major Jewish holidays, unless she had other plans, but that was the extent of it. Maya’s mother, on the other hand, was really observant. She died of breast cancer last year—her funeral was the one time I’d been back since college. Since then, Maya has taken religion more seriously. Not that she’s started attending synagogue or anything, but she knows her mother wanted her to marry someone Jewish.

“So no wedding bells?” I say.

Her face clouds. “The wedding bells were supposed to be for you and Louis.” She sits next to me. “Did he really hurt you, Elle?”

I’d been thinking about that, between bouts of obsessive eating. “Other than my pride? No. C’mon. Of course not.” I take another sip of coffee, wishing it were a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. The name of the ice cream makes my heart hurt. “Yeah. I guess he did. I miss him. I liked him. I really—he was solid. We really knew each other—little things, you know? The stuff that doesn’t matter, but that’s all that matters. And he was…well, he was there. That’s important in a fiancé.”

“He was there.” Her tone says, you don’t sound like a woman in love.

“Do you remember in high school, when we wanted to be mistresses?”

“No.”

“Maybe that was just me.” I’d seen a special on 20/20 about Kept Women. It had made an impression. Your own house, designer clothes and an allowance. All you had to do was have sex whenever he wanted. I liked sex—it didn’t seem like a hardship. “That’s pretty much what I had going.”

“You were his mistress?”

“Well, we didn’t have sex whenever he wanted. But I lived in an apartment he paid for, I didn’t work, he bought me clothes.” I look at her. “I should’ve asked for an allowance.”

“Do you love him?”

“Sure. That’s what kept it from being tawdry.” I finish my coffee. “I know you must’ve thought I led this exciting, sophisticated, romantic life…”

“Not really.”

“But to tell the truth it was kind of—” I look at her. “What do you mean, not really?”

“You never sounded happy. Just sort of…empty.”

“Empty? I wasn’t empty. I had the shopping and the lunches and the…the…museums. It was full. Very full. I was settled, Maya—I had it all. A man I loved, a lifestyle, friends…”

Maya gives me a look.

“I had friends! People from Louis’s work. I could’ve stayed with one of them, but it would have been—you know. More comfortable for everyone if they stick with Louis. Besides, I wanted you.”

“Good. They can stick with Louis, I’ll stick with you.”

I feel sort of weepy, and Maya gets that pitying look in her eyes again, so I ruffle the newspaper and say, “You think I should get a place downtown, or on the Riviera?”

“You might not have a choice. How much can you pay?”

I look around her apartment. “What’s the rent here?”

“Take a guess.”

It’s the second story of a cape in a nice neighborhood—the upper eastside. Hardwood floors, white walls, a big kitchen with tile counters. Maya’s always had good taste, and the decor is mostly minimalist with Asian and Jewish accents thrown in. A Chinese lantern hangs over the dining room table and the mantel displays her mother’s collection of antique menorahs. “I don’t know,” I say. “Nine hundred?”

Maya snorts. “Try sixteen.”

“But it’s only got one bedroom, and no dishwasher!”

“Dishwashers are two hundred a month extra.”

“Oh. Well…” I don’t know how to tell her, but she’s been had. I bet this was the only place they looked at. Not everyone is good at this kind of thing.

“You’ll find something,” she says, and hands me a set of keys. “Use my car. Brad and I are sharing. You want to come shopping?”

I brighten. “Shopping?”

“Groceries, Elle,” she says, laughing. “Then I have to stop by the bar.”

“Oh. No. I should start the apartment hunt.”

“Back in a few hours, then.” She closes the door behind her, and I have a brainstorm: I’m gonna find the perfect apartment before she gets back. This is my new life, this is the New Elle—if Oprah can buy a fifty-million-dollar house without breaking a sweat, I can find an apartment in the time it takes Maya to buy detergent and cottage cheese.

I’m into the last ten minutes of Davey and Goliath when a key turns in the front door. I hit the off button on the remote a moment before Maya enters. I wish she’d come later. Goliath had disobeyed Davey, and I’m pretty sure he had a lesson coming.

Maya glances at the TV. “What were you watching?”

“Mmm? Oh, the news.”

“What’s going on?”

“Lot’s of…bad stuff. The usual. You’re back quick.”

“I’ve been gone four hours, Elle.”

“Well, I’m going to look at an apartment.” I point to the classifieds crumpled on the table. “There’s an open house, at one o’clock.”

She checks her watch. “It’s twenty after, sweetie.”

So I lolled around watching Davey and Goliath reruns and missed an open house. So what? It’s only Sunday. I’ve been in California less than twenty-four hours. I’m supposed to have accomplished something by now?

It’s not like I don’t have goals. Of course, I have goals. They are, after much soul-searching:

Apartment.

Car.

Job.

Man.

And, of course, the complete obliteration of Iowa, by Act of God, Hanta Virus or Crème Brûlée. I’m not particular.

I have assets as well as goals, by the way. I got $1,100 for my Vera Wang wedding dress. Was going to sell it on eBay, but began weeping when I wrote the header: Vera Wang Wedding Dress: Never Worn. Sold it to a local wedding boutique, instead, for their first offer. I would have talked them up, but it cost Louis $4,800, and I wanted him to suffer. If he ever learns how cheap I sold it for, I mean. Which he won’t.

So $1,100 plus the roughly $4,000 in our household account, which was by all rights mine. Plus the triple-wick candle and instant ear thermometer, and so on.

I’m flush. A single girl in Santa Barbara with five grand and change. It’s a monster stack of cash, burning a hole. The future lies before me, full of abundant promise and happy surprises, like an endless sale rack at Barneys.

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Tales Of A Drama Queen

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