Kitabı oku: «His Girl Next Door: The Army Ranger's Return / New York's Finest Rebel / The Girl from Honeysuckle Farm»
His Girl Next Door
The Army Ranger’s
Return
Soraya Lane
New York’s
Finest Rebel
Trish Wylie
The Girl from
Honeysuckle Farm
Jessica Steele
www.millsandboon.co.uk
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
The Army Ranger’s Return
About the Author
Dedication
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
New York’s Finest Rebel
About the Author
Dedication
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The Girl From Honey Suckle Farm
About the Author
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
Copyright
The Army Ranger’s Return
Soraya Lane
Writing romance for Mills & Boon is truly a dream come true for SORAYA LANE. An avid book reader and writer since her childhood, Soraya describes becoming a published author as “the best job in the world”, and hopes to be writing heart-warming, emotional romances for many years to come.
Soraya lives with her own real-life hero on a small farm in New Zealand, surrounded by animals and with an office overlooking a field where their horses graze.
Visit Soraya at www.sorayalane.com.
For Hamish, my husband and real-life hero.
You have always believed in me, and in my writing, and this book is for you.
CHAPTER ONE
Dear Ryan,
It feels like we’ve been writing to one another forever, but it’s only been a year. When I say only, a lot has happened in that time, but it makes our friendship sound insignificant somehow.
Of course you can come to see me. It would be weird not to meet you, after getting to know you so well, but strange in the same way to put a face to the name. When you are discharged, write to me, or maybe we could use more modern forms of communication once you’re back in civilization.
Stay safe and I’ll see you soon. It’s unbelievable that you could be back here and we’d pass one another in the street without even knowing. Jessica
JESSICA MITCHELL STARED out the window and started pacing, eyes never leaving the road. She’d been like this for almost an hour. Stupid, because it wasn’t even time for him to arrive yet, and he was army. He would be exactly on time.
She knew that. Jessica knew he was punctual. She knew he would be knocking on her door at twelve-noon bang on.
She knew just about everything about him.
Ryan McAdams.
Up until now, he’d just been a name. A name that made her smile, that made her run to the mailbox every morning. But that’s all it had been. Innocent letters, two people confiding in one another. Pen pals.
And yet here she was, pacing in her living room, waiting to meet the man in the flesh.
Jessica looked down and watched her hands shaking. They were quivering, her whole body was wired, and for what? He was her friend. Nothing more. A friend she’d never met before, but a friend nonetheless.
So why was she still walking obsessively up and down? She could just make a cup of coffee or read the paper. Take the dog for a walk and not worry if he had to wait on her doorstep for a few minutes.
Because she wanted this to be perfect. There was no use pretending. His letters had helped her through the last year, had stopped her from giving up when she could have hit rock bottom. And she wanted to say thank you to him in person.
The phone rang. Jessica pounced on it, her pulse thumping.
“Hello.”
“Is he there yet?” her best friend asked.
Her heart stuttered then restarted again. She let out a breath. It wasn’t him.
“Hi, Bella.”
“I’m guessing the hunk hasn’t arrived then.”
Why had she ever told her friend about Ryan? Why couldn’t she have kept it to herself? It was stupid even making a fuss like this. He was her friend.
“Jess?”
She flopped down onto the sofa.
“I’m a wreck. A nervous wreck,” she admitted.
Bella laughed. “You’ll be fine. Just remember to breathe, and if you don’t phone me with an update I’m coming around to see him for myself.”
“He could be overweight and unattractive.”
Bella snorted down the line. Jess didn’t even know why she’d said it. Since when did she even care what he looked like? Whatever he looked like didn’t change the fact that his friendship had meant a lot to her this past year.
“Bella, I—Oh, my God.”
She listened to the thump of footfalls on the porch. Heavy, solid men’s feet that beat like a drum on timber.
“Jess? What’s happening?” Bella squawked.
A knock echoed.
“He’s here,” she whispered. “He’s early.”
“You’ll be fine, okay? Put down the phone, close your eyes for a few seconds, then go to the door. Okay? Just say ‘okay.’”
“Okay.” Jessica thought her head might fall off she was nodding so hard.
She placed the phone down without saying goodbye.
He was here. Ryan was actually here.
Waiting outside her front door.
How could she know this man almost as intimately as she knew her best friend, yet be terrified of meeting him?
She looked at the letter on the table, reached for it, then tucked it into her jeans pocket. She didn’t need to open it to know what it said. She remembered every word he’d ever written to her.
Jessica squared her shoulders and shook her head to push away the fear. Ryan was here, waiting for her, and she had to be brave. It felt like she was about to meet a lover she was so nervous, but it made her feel queasy even thinking that way. One of her closest friends was standing at the door, and for some reason she was paralyzed with fear.
Bella had gotten her all wound up in knots, and for what? She wasn’t interested in meeting a man in that way, especially not now. And she didn’t want Ryan to be anything more to her, no matter what he looked like. What she needed in her life were good friends, and he had proven that he was there for her when she needed someone.
Another knock made her jump.
This was it. There was nowhere she could go but forward, down the hall.
Unless she escaped out the back window …
A flash of brown streaked past her and she groaned. Hercules. She’d put him out the back with a bone and hoped he’d stay there, but he must have squeezed through the doggie door when he’d heard the knock.
At least he’d be a good distraction.
Ryan wondered if it were possible for fingers to sweat. His were curled around the paper-wrapped stems of a bunch of white roses, clenching and unclenching as he tried to figure out what to do with them. Out in front seemed too contrived, behind his back looked ridiculous and hanging at his sides just seemed more ridiculous, like he was trying too hard. Why flowers? Why had he felt the need to complicate things by bringing flowers?
He was going insane. He’d survived the trauma and heartache of years serving his country, and now a stupid bunch of flowers was tying him in tight coils. He was a United States Army Ranger. Practised, strong and unflappable. He’d never have made the special ops unit with nerves like this.
Clearly he was losing his touch.
Perhaps he should throw them into the garden? He looked over his shoulder, beyond the porch, then listened as the door clicked and a small dog started barking.
He was out of time. Ryan slowly, cautiously turned back toward the house. He wanted to squeeze his eyes shut, walk back down the steps and start all over. Without the flowers dangling awkwardly from one hand, and instead standing at ease on the doorstep in front of her.
Ryan spun around as the door swished open.
“Jessica.”
He exhaled the word as if he’d been waiting a lifetime to say it. In a way he had.
Ryan was pleased he’d never asked her for a photograph. It couldn’t have done justice to the reality of her features. Hair the color of rain-drizzled sand was tucked behind her ears, eyes the shade of the richest dark chocolate peeked out beneath dark lashes. She smiled like she was greeting her first date—nervously, expectantly, unsurely.
Worried. Just like he was.
After so many months of writing one another, meeting in person was kind of surreal.
He went to move and something tiny hit him in the knees and almost made him fall. By the time he looked down a small dog was doing laps around his feet, before disappearing back into the house with as much speed as he’d arrived with.
Ryan laughed then looked back to the woman waiting to meet him.
“Jessica.” When he said it this time it made him smile naturally, rather than feeling like a word-stuck teenager. “It’s so good to finally meet you.”
She grinned as he walked toward her, then opened her arms to him.
“Ryan.”
Even the way she said his name did something to his insides, but he pushed past it. He was a soldier. He was trained to deal with difficult situations.
“I’m really glad you made it, Ryan.”
He let the flowers drop to the porch as he opened his own arms to hold her. Jessica stepped into his embrace as if she’d been made to fit there, firm against his chest, arms tight around him. She hugged him like someone who cared about him.
Like he hadn’t been hugged in a long time.
It had been years since his wife had died. Years since he’d felt the genuine embrace of a woman, one that wasn’t out of pity, but out of something deeper, warmer.
Ryan inhaled the scent of her—the tease of perfume that reminded him of coconuts on a beach. The soft caress of her hair that fell against his neck as she tucked into him.
It felt good. No … even better than good. It felt great.
He cleared his throat and stepped back, not wanting to make her uncomfortable by keeping hold of her too long. Jessica leapt back from him like a bear from a nest of hornets, her face alternating between happy and concerned.
“I …”
“We …”
They both laughed.
“You first,” he said.
Jessica grinned at him and rocked back and forth, arms crossed over her chest.
“I don’t remember what I was going to say!”
Ryan shook his head and laughed. Laughed like he thought he’d forgotten how to, cheeks aching as he watched her do the same.
He bent to collect the fallen flowers.
“These are for you.”
She blushed. When had he last seen a grown woman blush? It made a goofy smile play across his lips.
“Me?”
He nodded.
“It’s been a long time since anyone gave me flowers.”
Ryan watched as she dipped her nose down to inhale them, her eyes dancing along the white silhouette of each rose.
It had been a long time since he’d given a woman flowers.
“Do they give me passage inside?”
Jessica looked up at him with an expression he’d only seen once before. His wife had looked up at him like that from her hospital bed, full of hope, happiness shining from her face.
He clenched his jaw and stamped the memory away, refusing to go there. This was Jessica, the woman who had made an effort to write to him when most Americans seemed to forget what U.S. troops were facing overseas. This was not a time to dwell on the past.
“Yes.” She looked sideways, away and then back, but he didn’t miss the twinkle in her eyes. “Yes, it does. So long as you’re prepared to meet Hercules properly.”
“I take it Hercules is the small fur-ball who almost bowled me over.”
Jessica reached out to Ryan and grinned. “Maybe if I’d given him a more insignificant name he wouldn’t be quite so full of self-importance.”
Ryan took the hand she offered and let himself be led inside. It felt too normal to touch his skin to hers, too casual, but when she looked over her shoulder at him and smiled, her fingers trailing away from his until she was just a woman walking ahead of him, he felt the loss of her touch like a limb had just been torn from his body.
The shock of doing normal things was something hard to get used to, after months being surrounded by other men in the desert. Each day started to merge with the next one … and home seemed like just a scene on a postcard.
Being back here wasn’t something he had looked forward to, it was something he’d feared and wished he didn’t have to confront again. But Jessica had been there for him, eagerly writing him back so he’d had something positive to concentrate on.
When everything else was gone, snatched away from him, Jessica had been there.
She’d come into his life when he’d been losing his way. When he’d almost felt as though his soul had been defeated, like he had lost his purpose. It was Jessica who had held each piece of him together when he could have lost hope.
Maybe she could help him now he was home, too. Because nothing else had fallen into place since he’d returned.
A man could only hope.
Jessica set the flowers to rest in a vase on her bench and turned back to her guest.
“Shall we have lunch here or go out for something?”
Ryan shrugged. “I don’t mind.”
“But …?”
She laughed as he squinted at her.
“How did you know there was a but?” he asked.
Jessica tapped her nose. “You’d be surprised what I know about you.”
Ryan flopped down on the sofa and crossed his legs at the ankle. He looked at home here, comfortable in her home. Aside from her brother, she wasn’t used to seeing men in her space.
She didn’t want it to bother her, but it did. Having a man around had become foreign to her. It felt too intimate, being so close, seeing him so … at ease.
Funny, she had expected being back in America to be hard for him, but it seemed like she was the one struggling.
“Okay, you got me.” He gave her a smile that made her almost want to look away, but she didn’t. The way his mouth curved, his eyes creasing gently at the corners, was exactly as she’d imagined he would look. Hoped he might look.
Her stomach twisted, as if her organs had been flipped then dropped. She wasn’t meant to be thinking about him like that. Not now, not ever.
“The sun’s shining, the ground is still wet from the rain last night and I’m desperate to be outside in the open. You’ve got no idea how good it feels—smells—outside here,” he said.
Jessica beamed at him. She was still nervous, but the quiver in her belly felt as if it were less from worry than excitement. A day out with someone with whom she could just be herself was exactly what she needed.
Besides, it would be easier being around him on neutral territory. Even if he was just a friend, she wasn’t ready to see a man in her house, on her sofa, like that. Not after Mark. Not after what she’d gone through this last year.
It sent a shiver down her spine just thinking about the last twelve months.
“Give me five minutes, I’ll get my handbag and we’ll go to the park.”
“I’m guessing we have to take the mutt?” he teased.
Jessica cringed as she heard paws racing on the timber floor in the kitchen. Hercules was like a missile, as if he’d known exactly what they’d been talking about.
He sprung through the door and leapt onto Ryan’s lap, tongue frantically searching out his victim’s face.
“Hercules! No!”
Ryan grabbed him and held him at a safe distance.
“Five minutes?” He raised an eyebrow, ignoring the wriggling dog.
She nodded. “Sorry about him.”
Ryan stood, eyeing Hercules. “I’ll start the clock now.”
She turned sedately and walked toward her bedroom as slowly as she could manage. She wanted to run, to sprint to her room and grab her things and not miss a moment of being in his company.
Ryan. His name was circling her mind over and over, like a record she couldn’t turn off. Ryan.
He was everything she’d imagined he would be and more. When they’d first started writing, he was just a soldier. He was a man serving their country and she felt good giving support to him. But when they’d realized they had grown up within ten minutes of one another, something had started stirring within her. Then when he’d made noises of coming back home to California, to Thousand Oaks, she’d started wondering. That despite her insecurities, despite her worries about herself, she had a connection with this man. A man who understood her and wanted to meet her. But a man she only knew on paper, who wouldn’t feel pity for her or treat her like an almost-broken doll because of what she’d been through.
And he was hardly a disappointment. In the flesh, he was even more commanding than he was on paper. Well over six feet and built like a man who could protect her on a dark stormy night in the meanest streets of Los Angeles. A man with dark cropped, slightly disheveled hair that begged to be touched, ice-blue eyes that seemed to pierce straight through her body. And beautiful lips that, despite all he’d seen and experienced, still hovered with the hint of a smile as he spoke.
Jessica scolded herself. Smiling over mental pictures of him while she was alone was exactly what she didn’t need to be doing. Ever. Until she reached the five-year mark, until she knew she was in complete remission, men were strictly off her radar.
Jessica stole a quick glance at herself in the mirror as she passed and fought the urge to cross her arms over her chest. She was still self-conscious, but it was getting better. After all they’d said to one another, all they’d shared, she hadn’t told Ryan. Couldn’t tell him. Not yet. It was still too fresh for her, too raw, to share with anyone.
And she wanted him to just like her for herself. Treat her like she was normal and not a fragile baby bird in need of extra care.
She picked up her purse, squirted an extra spray of perfume to her wrist and reached for a sweater. She didn’t know why, but today felt like a fresh opportunity, a new chance. She wasn’t going to let her insecurities ruin it. Not when she had a man like Ryan waiting to spend the day with her.
Even if she was scared to death.
She utterly refused to let her past ruin her future. Not now, not after all she’d been through.
Today was about starting over.
CHAPTER TWO
Dear Jessica,
I’ve become desensitized to what we have to see over here. I wait for my orders, I no longer cringe when an explosion echoes around me, and I automatically squeeze the trigger to take down the enemy. Does it make me a bad person that I no longer feel? I’m starting to think I like being here because it means I don’t have to face reality. I can pretend my wife didn’t die and that my son doesn’t hate me. But I’ll be coming home soon, after all this time, and I’m not going to have any more excuses.
Thanks for listening, Jessica. You don’t know how much it means to me to be able to write to you, to be honest like this. I can’t talk to anyone else, but you’re always here for me. Ryan
“SO HOW IS it you’ve managed to stay away for so long?”
Ryan shrugged and turned his body toward Jessica as they walked. He made himself look away from Hercules racing up and down the riverbank so he could give Jessica his full attention.
“I guess I became good at saying yes, and the army were pleased to have me wherever I was needed.”
“What about this time?”
Ryan chuckled. After so long being in the company of men, he wasn’t used to the way a woman could just fire questions. So candidly wanting to know everything at once.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
Jessica was … what? Pouting? No, not pouting but she was definitely pursing her lips.
“You’re very inquisitive, that’s all.”
She gave him a nudge in the side and rolled her eyes. Ryan tried not to come to a complete standstill, forced his feet to keep moving. He wasn’t used to that, either. Someone touching him so casually, with such ease.
He’d definitely been away too long.
“I write to you for months, and you can’t tell me where you are or why you’re suddenly coming home on such short notice. So spill,” she ordered.
He followed Jessica toward the edge of the lake, the water so still it looked like the cover of a postcard. The park was beautiful, much more attractive than he’d remembered it being, but after so long seeing sand and little else, everything about America seemed beautiful. The smell of fresh rain on grass, the softer rays of sunlight, not burning so hot against your skin that it made you sweat. Things you took for granted until they were snatched away.
“I can’t tell you where we’ve been, you know that, but what I can say is that our last, ah, assignment was successful.”
Jessica waited. He’d give her that. She could talk his ear off, but she knew when to stay quiet. Seemed to sense that he needed a moment.
“I’m a marksman, Jess.” He paused and watched her, made sure she didn’t look too alarmed. “I entered the special forces as an expert in my field, and it’s why I’ve been deployed so long.”
“But you didn’t want to come home,” she said softly. “What made you come back now?”
Ryan sighed and looked out at the water. It was so much easier just keeping this sort of stuff in his head. But he didn’t have to tell her everything. It wasn’t like he’d planned to come home, more like his hand had been forced.
If he’d had it his way he would have stayed away forever. That’s what he had done until now. Now he was home and he had to deal with being a single dad for real. Not to mention the fact his son didn’t want to know him.
He didn’t like admitting something was impossible, but repairing that relationship could be like trying to bring someone back from the dead. It was his own fault, his own battle to deal with, and he’d been a coward to wait so long before confronting the problem.
But one thing he’d promised himself was that he was going to be honest with this woman. She’d done something generous for him, helped him from the other side of the world through her constant letters, and he owed it to her to be real and candid with her now.
“I had an injury a while back and it never healed quite right.” He moved to sit down on the grass, needing to collapse. It was hard being so open, just talking, and he couldn’t go back. Couldn’t put into words what had happened to him then, that day he’d realized he wasn’t invincible. “I’ve had a lot of pain in my arm, so I had surgery in Germany on my way back home, and the army wants me on rest until the physio gives me the all clear.”
Ryan gritted his teeth and forced his eyes to stay open as his memory tried to claw its way back. The smell of gunpowder, the pain making his arm feel like it was on fire, and not being able to stop. Making his arm work, pushing through, pulling the trigger over and over until his body had finally let him down.
He clamped his jaw down hard and looked at Jessica. She was sitting, too, right beside him, legs tucked up under her as she stared at the water. As if she was the troubled one. He could see it on her face. That she was either reacting to his pain, or harboring her own.
“Jess?”
She turned empty eyes toward him, bottom lip caught between her teeth.
“That means you’re going back at some point.”
He raised a brow. Had she thought he was home for good? Had he made her think he was staying by something he’d said?
“Ah, all going well, I’ll be deployed wherever they need me,” he confirmed.
It was wonderful being back here in some ways, but it was also extremely difficult. He’d do his best, try to make amends, but he was a soldier. That’s what he did. What he was good at.
She nodded, over and over again, too vigorously. “Of course, of course you’re going back. I don’t know why I thought you wouldn’t be.”
“I’ll be here a couple months at least, then I have to figure out what to do. I’m eligible to be discharged, they’ve offered me teaching positions, but I’m just not ready to walk away from my men. I don’t know where I’ll be deployed yet but it’s my job to go wherever they need me.”
Sad eyes greeted him when he looked back at her. She smiled, but he could tell something had upset her. He hoped it wasn’t his fault. Seeing those bright eyes cloud over was not something he wanted to be held accountable for.
“What about your son?” she asked quietly.
Ryan sighed. His son. George. Now that was a topic he and Jess could talk about all day. Or maybe not talk about at all, as he’d been home a week already and they’d hardly spoken a word to one another.
“I don’t know if I’m just not cut out to be a father, or whether he truly wishes I was back with the army.”
He didn’t say what else he wondered. That maybe his son wished he were dead.
Ryan picked up a stone and stood, then reached his arm back and threw it into the water. He’d meant to skim it, but instead the stone went a little distance then landed with a plop.
He shut his eyes and pushed away the anger. He hated not being capable, losing the function in his strongest arm, but getting angry about it didn’t help his progress and he knew it. Sometimes he just forgot about it, and then he’d surprise himself all over again by not having the control he wanted.
He looked down at Jessica, sitting still, eyes fixed in the distance.
“You okay?”
It was as if she had to snap out of a trance before she even noticed he was speaking.
“Yeah.”
Ryan watched as she jumped to her feet and brushed the grass off her jeans. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Maybe he’d been away way too long, or maybe he’d just forgotten how sensitive women were. Because they’d only been at the park less than an hour and already he’d done something to upset her.
And he had no idea what.
“You still want to grab some lunch?” he asked.
She smiled at him, this time more openly. Or maybe more guardedly. He couldn’t tell which.
“Sure. Let’s go.”
Jessica couldn’t fathom why her stomach was twisting like a snake had taken ownership of it. Why did it even bother her? So he was going back to war? He was a soldier and that’s what soldiers did. It was just that she hadn’t expected him to be going back. When he’d written to her and told her he was coming home she’d thought it was for good.
It wasn’t as if he’d promised her something and was now going back on his word. She had no right to even feel this way.
They were friends.
So why was she acting like her lover had come home and lied to her about his intentions? Or maybe she’d just dealt with too much loss to even comprehend the thought of losing anyone else from her life again. She knew firsthand what the consequences were of him not coming home, what the risks were.
“You sure you’re all right?” he persisted.
Jessica’s head swivelled so quickly it almost swung off.
“Me?”
He laughed and she watched as he pushed his hands into his jeans pockets.
“Yes, you.”
She felt the flush of her cheeks as he made fun of her. She’d expected him to be the one clamming up and here she was like a nervous bunch of keys being jangled. She hadn’t even realized how long they’d been walking in silence.
“I’m sorry Ryan, it’s just …”
He shrugged. “I took you by surprise.”
This was a man who’d been away from civilization for years, and yet he seemed to have her all figured out. That made a change.
Jessica sighed.
“I understand if you don’t want to, you know, hear about war or anything. It’s not exactly the most pleasant experience to discuss,” he said.
She frowned at the look on his face. It took her a second, because she hesitated, but Jessica reached for his hand to give it a quick squeeze. She was being stupid and he was the one who needed her to act like normal. To listen to him like she had in all their letters. He had no idea why she was affected by what he’d said, and that’s how it had to be. She’d lost too much, exposed those she loved to that loss as well, and it had struck a chord with her. But that was one musical instrument she had no intention of playing around him, and that meant she had to deal with it and move on. Fast.
“You can tell me all you like, honestly. I just didn’t expect you to be going back there anytime soon,” she explained. “It took me by surprise.”
Ryan caught her hand before she could pull it away. His hand was strong, smooth. And the touch made a tingle start in her fingertips and ripple goose bumps up her forearm.
“You’re the only person I’ve been able to talk to, apart from the guys, since I left.”
She nodded. Words refused to form in her throat. It had been so long since a man had touched her. Since she’d even felt a spark of attraction that had made her heart beat like a hammer was thwacking it from side to side.
“If I can’t talk to you, I’ve got no one,” he added.
Jessica couldn’t take her eyes off their hands. Ryan followed her gaze and seemed to realize what the problem was, opening his grip and slowly releasing her fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered.
“Don’t be sorry.”
She smiled up at him. Watched the way his eyes crinkled ever so gently at the sides as he smiled back at her.
“Oh, no!” she exclaimed.
Ryan jumped to attention, eyes scanning, like he was looking for an enemy, but Jessica was already moving back toward the park.
“What?”
“Where’s Herc?” she gasped.
Her heart had gone from thumping out of desire to banging from terror. How could she have been that distracted? How could she not have noticed that he’d wandered off? Her baby, her best friend, her …
Hercules had been there for her through everything. When she was home recovering, cuddling up by her side as the chemo ravaged her body. Snuggling her when she couldn’t force herself out of bed in the morning. Listening to her as she’d sobbed after surgery.
He’d probably just wandered off in search of more ducks, chasing mallards again, but still …
Jessica had huge hot tears that felt like balls of fire fighting to get free of her lashes, desperate to spill, but she gulped them back, moving as fast as she could back the way they’d come.
She jumped as a hand came down on her shoulder. A hand that seemed to distribute calm energy through her body, grounding her, telling her everything was going to be okay.
“I’ll run ahead, you keep your eyes peeled.” Ryan’s deep voice was commanding as he took charge. “I’ll get him, you just stay calm.”
Jessica nodded. She wasn’t capable of doing anything else. Herc always followed along beside her off the lead, but then she wasn’t usually so distracted.
She watched Ryan thump gracefully down the sidewalk, his feet beating a steady rhythm as he jogged away from her.
“Herc!” Jessica called as loud as she could. “Come on, Herc!”
Ryan had never felt as if his heart was actually in his throat before. Maybe at the funeral, when he’d had to watch his son cry as his mother was lowered in a coffin into her grave. But that was a different kind of emotion. That was pure agony, mourning like he’d never known he could experience.
This? This was desperation, panic. Determination to find what he was looking for.
He’d settled into a quick steady jog and he was almost back to where they’d come from, searching with his eyes as he moved. The dog had been at their side when they’d left but the little rascal must have skipped off when something caught his nose.
Then Ryan spotted him. A brown bullet barking his head off as he chased ducks back and forth along the bank again. Completely oblivious to the fact he was alone and had found his way back solo.
Phew.
“Hercules!”
The dog ignored him. Ryan kept running, slowing only to scoop the bundle of fur into his arms.
Hercules jumped and wriggled, but Ryan held him firm.
“You gave us a fright, bud.”
The dog just wriggled some more, tongue flapping as he tried to contort his little body around so he could lick him. Ryan held him in an iron-tight grip, just far enough away so he could avoid being slobbered all over.
“Come on, let’s go find your mom.”
He started jogging again, until he spotted Jessica ahead. He would have waved but he was determined not to let the dog go. He was writhing like a slippery fish again.
When she saw them, Jessica’s entire face lit up, a smile stretching across her lips.
“Herc!”
Ryan slowed and grinned. “Told you I’d get him.”
Now she was crying. Oh, no, he didn’t do tears well. He went to hold the dog out but she threw herself into his arms instead, almost making him drop the little animal!
“Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
He gave her a half hug back, the other arm still occupied by Hercules.
Ryan went to move at the same time as she kissed him on the cheek. His face turned too far and she got him on the side of his mouth.
He fought not to turn farther into her, his pulse racing at her mouth on his.
“Oh.”
He grimaced. “Sorry.”
Jessica was bright red again, like a piece of freshly snapped rhubarb.
“I—”
He stepped back, clipped the dog onto the leash hanging from her hand and put him down.
“How about we head back to your place? Get him out of trouble?” he suggested.
Jessica nodded, still flushed.
He didn’t know what was happening here, but one thing he did know was that somehow they weren’t behaving like long lost pen pals. When she’d held him before, it had felt too warm. Like someone had shone the sun itself between them. Like they were the only two people in the world.
And if it had been another time and another place, he’d have been tempted to never let her go.
But he was only here for a few months. Maybe less. He’d come looking for her because she’d been such a wonderful support to him. Helped him talk about his feelings, open up.
Without her, he doubted he’d have ever have had the strength to come home, to face his demons once and for all.
There was no chance he was going to stuff this up by letting his emotions get the better of him. Jessica was off limits romantically.
And that was nonnegotiable.
He had to maintain their friendship, repair his relationship with his son and summon the strength to open up to his own parents. Tell them how much he appreciated them and what they’d done for him.
He grimaced at the thought of what the coming months held.
He’d just have to take it all one step at a time.
CHAPTER THREE
Dear Ryan,
I know you feel like you can’t come back home, but that’s just fear talking. I’m not going to tell you that soldiers shouldn’t be fearful, because a soldier is nothing more than a brave human being and you can’t help how you feel. But you need to repair your relationship with your son while you can. And you need to face the fact that he will want to talk with you about his mother.
I don’t know what you’re going through, but I do understand pain and loss. I know what it feels like to grieve, and to want to hide away, but in the end you have to be honest with yourself. It’s the only way forward.
Remember I’m here for you. If you need someone to hold your hand, that person can be me. No questions asked. Jessica
JESSICA HAD BEHAVED like a brainless airhead. Since when could she forget her dog? And the way she’d shut out Ryan after he’d opened up to her was unacceptable. He must think she was some kind of a nutcase. Not the level-headed pen pal who was full of wisdom that he’d come to rely on.
Nothing about today had gone as planned.
Jessica smiled as he walked back into the room. She swallowed away her fear and pinched her hand.
“Ryan, I’m so sorry.”
He looked confused. One eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other. “What about?”
She sighed. He was either really good at pretending, or men actually were incredibly good at just letting things go.
“About before. Can we just start over? Go back to when you arrived?”
Ryan chuckled. He actually chuckled, while she stood there all breathless and red-faced.
“Whatever you say.”
Argh! Men could be so irritating. He was just like her brother. Or worse. Acting like something hadn’t happened when it had. But if he wanted to forget about it then she wasn’t going to argue with him. She’d behaved badly and now she had a chance to make things right.
“Okay, how about we actually have a cup of something hot and make some lunch then?”
He grinned and walked right up to her, stopping a few feet back. Ryan held out his hand.
“I’m Ryan, it’s so good to finally meet you.”
She glared at him and stuck her hands in her pockets.
“Not funny, Ryan.” The expression on his face didn’t change. It was so serious he almost made her laugh, but she felt like too much of an idiot to shrug it off. “I made a fool of myself back there and it wasn’t me. I mean, I don’t even know how to explain myself.”
He smiled at her again, but this time she didn’t feel mocked.
“I thought you wanted to start over?”
Jessica turned away from him.
“Look, I took you by surprise, that’s all. Now let’s have some food, okay? I’m starving. Unless you want to meet all over again, again?” he teased.
Jessica sighed and walked back into the kitchen. Her face still felt flushed, but she was starting to relax. Lucky this was a friendship where they already kind of knew one another. If it had been a first date she’d have been toast.
“Can I do anything?” he offered.
She shook her head.
“I’ll make some sandwiches and meet you outside.”
When he didn’t move she made herself look up at him.
“Hercules would love to play ball if you’re up for a game in the yard,” she suggested.
He winked at her and sauntered out the door.
Jessica had to force her mouth to stay shut. It was in grave risk of dropping down and hitting her on the chest.
Something about that man had her all twisted in knots, and that wink hadn’t helped. She was all hot, like she needed a fan, but she gulped down a glass of water instead.
And it didn’t help her any.
Ten minutes later, and still hot under the collar, Jessica found Ryan sitting back on one of her chairs, eyes closed, basking in the sun. A very put-out-looking Hercules lay nearby, ball neglected between his front paws.
She leant over to put the tray of food and drinks on the table when Ryan’s eyes popped open. He looked lazy, comfortable.
Gorgeous.
She pushed the thought away as he ran a hand through his hair and then down his face, as if to wake himself up.
“You’ve got no idea how good this is, just sitting here.”
“Sandwich?”
He took it happily and started eating. Jessica made herself do the same, even though swallowing was like forcing large chunks through a sieve.
They sat in silence for a bit. Eating. Watching the dog chase his tail then start stalking a bird.
“Don’t get me wrong, Jess, but I could have sworn you had something other than my going back to war on your mind before.”
This time she actually choked. Had to reach for her coffee and take a big gulp. What had happened to the stereotype of brooding soldier who hardly said a word and wasn’t up with the whole feelings thing? She had expected him to be quiet and reserved, but the reality of him was anything but. He’d either come out of his shell big-time, or he was making a huge effort here.
And hadn’t they put this behind them and started over?
“Sorry, went down the wrong way,” she stuttered.
Ryan didn’t look convinced, just reached for another sandwich.
“Whatever you say.”
She sighed.
“It’s true I’ve had a lot going on this past year, but I just wasn’t expecting to have to worry about you going back on top of it all. That’s all.”
It wasn’t technically a lie. She would worry about him when he was gone. But when he’d told her, her mind had wandered. To a place she didn’t want to go and shouldn’t have let herself be drawn back to.
“Jessica?”
She put on the brave face she had perfected over the months of treatment she’d received and turned back to him.
“I’m fine, honestly. Tell me about you. What do you want to do while you’re home? Do you need somewhere to stay?”
She held her breath, hoping he’d say no. There was no way she could deal with him staying here. Not now. It was messing her head up just trying to be normal around him for an afternoon.
“Tempting offer, but no, thanks.”
She tucked her feet up beneath her on the seat and turned to face him. It was comforting in a way to watch his face, but off-putting at the same time. Hard to fathom this man sitting here was the author of all those letters, the ones that had kept her going, even through the hard times. Given her something to look forward to and something to focus on.
His eyes softened as he smiled, laughter lines etched ever so slightly into his tanned skin.
“I’ve been hoping you might have some good advice to throw my way.” He paused, taking a sip of his coffee. “On how to deal with a twelve-year-old boy who can’t seem to bear the sight of me.”
Her heart throbbed for a moment, feeling his pain. But she recovered without him noticing.
“When you say he can’t bear the sight of you …”
Ryan grimaced. “I mean that he gets up and leaves the room the moment he sees me, or suffers my presence at mealtime by sitting silently and not raising his eyes.”
Oh. “And your parents?”
That brought the smile back to his face. “Thrilled to have their only son home and desperate for me to reconnect with my own boy.”
She thought about it for a moment. The nice thing about already having a relationship with someone, even if it was on paper, was that silent stretches weren’t uncomfortable. Or at least they weren’t with Ryan.
She unfolded her legs and leaned toward him.
“I know it’s going to sound like a cliché, saying that you just need to give him time, especially after all the time you’ve been away, but I think he’ll come around. He’s probably angry at you for leaving and staying away so long, and he wants answers. You need to let him know that when he does want to ask you questions you can be there for him, straight up, honest.”
Ryan closed his eyes and sat back. She could see this was painful for him, but he was better to get it all off his chest with her.
Besides, talking about him was taking her mind off the fact that she was attracted to him. That his being there, beside her, was making her have feelings she’d long ago abandoned when it came to men. And it also made her push her memories back where they belonged. Locked in a box, out of mind’s reach.
He smiled sadly. “You’re right, but sometimes I wonder if he’d have been better off if I’d just stayed away.”
Jessica shook her head. It wasn’t true and he knew it.
“Why don’t you practice on me,” she suggested, voice soft. “You can pretend I’m George.”
He nodded. She only just registered the incline of his head as he moved it.
Jessica took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll start.” She paused. “Why did you really go back to war so soon? Why didn’t you come home? Stay with me?”
He kept his eyes shut. “I can’t answer that.”
She sighed and sat back. On second thought she reached for his hand, wanting to give him strength even if it hurt her. “If you can’t be honest with me, how are you going to be honest with a boy who wants the truth?”
She watched as Ryan’s thumb traced her palm, holding her hand back. It felt so good it hurt, but she didn’t dare pull her hand away. Couldn’t. The tingle in her fingertips and the pulse at her neck were enough to make her stay put.
When he was ready to talk he dropped his hold and pulled his chair around to face her head-on. She forced herself to breathe, had to concentrate on every inhale and exhale of her lungs.
“Okay, let’s do this.”
She nodded, still off balance from touching him, from his skin connecting with hers. From wanting him to do it again and hating herself for even thinking about him like that.
Ryan squeezed his eyes shut one more time then focused, looking firmly into hers.
“I left because going away was easier than staying. I was a coward and I should have been here for you.”
Jessica gulped silently as tears pooled in her eyes. This was what he’d been needing to say for so long. There was no disguising the pain in his voice.
“Go on,” she urged huskily.
“I told myself that you would be better off without me, and I felt guilty over your mom’s death. Like if only I’d loved her more, been here for her more, she could have pulled through. Everyone thought we had this perfect life, and in many ways we did, but then when she got sick everything just went into free fall, and after a while it was easier to just stay away than deal with her death.” He paused. “And with you.”
Jessica stood and walked away a few steps. She couldn’t help it. Tears hit her cheeks and trickled their way down her jaw. She’d known hurt before, known what it was like to be left, but she also knew what it was like to be the one who did the hurting.
“Jess?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just …”
“Did I say something wrong?” He sounded concerned.
She reached her fingertips to her face and brushed the tears away. Before she could turn large hands fell on her arms, holding her from behind.
“I shouldn’t have said all that, but once I started it …”
Jessica closed her eyes then turned back to face him. She’d tried not to let her own feelings intrude, but it was hard. Impossible even.
“I lost someone once, too, Ryan, that’s all. Hearing you say all that kind of brought that back. I don’t know why but it did.”
His eyes questioned her but he didn’t say anything. Instead it was as if a metal guard had been raised, shielding his gaze and putting a wall between them. A divide that hadn’t been there before.
Jessica didn’t want to think about her past. Probably as much as Ryan wanted to disclose his, if the look on his face right now was any indication. It did give them something in common. Not exactly the common element most people would wish for, but on some level she did understand him. And if she wanted to tell him, he’d probably feel the same about her. But she didn’t want to, and the last thing she intended was burdening him with her problems, or letting her mind dwell on what could happen to her.
“You know what? I think maybe it’s time for me to go,” he said, suddenly looking like a startled animal within sight of a predator. As if he wanted to flee the scene.
“Okay.” Now she was the one confused. “Do you want to maybe grab dinner tonight? Do that ‘start over’ thing again?”
He was smiling but it looked forced. Not like before.
“Can we take a rain check on that? Maybe tomorrow night?”
Ouch. She hadn’t seen that one coming. She’d overreacted, not been able to keep her emotions in check, but she hadn’t realized he’d react like that.
“How about you call me when you’re free?” she suggested.
He nodded and turned back toward the house. “See you, bud.”
At least he’d said goodbye to the dog.
“I’m sorry, Jess. It’s just that I need to pick George up from school.”
She shrugged. Even she knew that school didn’t get out for a while yet. “I get it. We can catch up later.”
She followed him back into the house, wondering what she would give to truly start over with him and be the strong girl from the letters. To go back to him standing on her doorstep and make the day turn out completely different.
His tall frame disappeared through the door and he didn’t look back, his broad shoulders and dark hair fading from sight.
Jessica stood with her hands on her hips and surveyed the huge stretch of canvas on the floor in front of her. Not her best work, but the colors were brilliant. The organic paint took some getting used to, although if it meant no toxic fumes she had no intention of complaining.
She’d tried to focus on her new piece, but her mind kept wandering. Going to a place she didn’t want to go back to but couldn’t claw out from.
She found it was easier sometimes to pretend it hadn’t happened. When you were surrounded by people who loved you or who had been the cause of grief, it sucked something from you. Pulled you into a world you didn’t want to confront.
Like her cancer. She’d dealt with. Fought it. Survived it.
Yet her family treated her like she needed permanent wrapping in cotton wool just to survive each day now. Looked at her in a way that made her uncomfortable. And she hated it.
Was that how Ryan felt? The same way she did when she looked in the mirror and saw the reality of her body? Is that how he felt about being home? About the reality of what he’d gone through and then battled every day? How it was to come home and face something you’d run from for years?
Sometimes she felt like that, too. Sometimes she wished she could run away from what had happened and leave it all behind. But just like Ryan had had to return, so had she. To the reality of life as a cancer survivor.
She let her hand brush over the almost-hard contour of her breast, skimming the side of it, not caring that her fingers were covered in paint. Jessica sighed. She’d always mocked women with implants. Found it hard to fathom why breast augmentation was such an attraction.
She smiled with the irony. When she’d faced the reality of a double mastectomy, the first question she’d asked was what kind of reconstruction they could do. How they could give her her femininity back. Her breasts.
So now she had teardrop-shaped silicone implants that were better than nothing, but that still made her shake her head sometimes. That despite being diagnosed with cancer, facing chemo, knowing there was a chance she could die, all she’d wanted was to feel like a woman again. To know that even though they didn’t feel soft when they’d once been natural, she still had her femininity, even if it had meant facing cosmetic reconstructive surgery to obtain them.
Maybe it was the same for Ryan. Without being a soldier, he would feel like less of a man, less of a human being. Maybe that was why he felt he had to go back, had to return to his unit. Had to offer himself up for redeployment.
If she could talk to him, explain to him how she felt, maybe it would help him. Help them both. But she couldn’t do it.
She didn’t want him to know. Couldn’t tell him. Because then he’d start looking at her the same way everyone else did, and with Ryan, she just wanted to be Jessica. Not the girl with cancer. The girl in remission. Or the girl who’d already lost her sister to the disease.
Maybe he wouldn’t look at her differently, or treat her like a different person, but she wasn’t prepared to risk it. Not when she only had a limited time to enjoy having a friend like Ryan.
Or maybe she was too scared to tell him.
Either way, it was her secret and she had no intention of divulging it.
But after the way he’d left today, like he was fleeing a burning wreckage, she didn’t know when they’d be seeing each other again. If ever.
“Jess?”
She looked up as Bella crossed her arms and leaned against the door of her studio. Jess sighed. Today had definitely not gone as planned.
“You have some serious explaining to do,” her friend said.
CHAPTER FOUR
Jessica,
I don’t know how you know so much about loss or dealing with pain, but you’ve helped me more than I could ever tell you. Having a friend to write to, someone to just hang out with in the normal world, makes all the difference to me. I love what I do, wouldn’t give it up for the world, but sometimes it helps to have someone non-army to talk to.
You do realize I’m gonna owe you big-time when I come home. Dinner, drinks, whatever you want, but you writing to me has given me a boost, and that only makes me a better soldier. I was starting to think I was too old for war, but it’s like I’ve been recharged.
So think about it. When I finally leave this place and come home, my shout. Whatever you want. And I promise not to talk about me or ask you for any more advice. Okay? Ryan
RYAN SAT IN the car and watched the throng of kids as they spilled out from the building. He couldn’t see George, but then that was hardly a surprise. The boy would probably hide in class to avoid having to get in the car with his dad.
But Ryan was patient. He’d wait here as long as he had to. Besides, it wasn’t as if he didn’t have enough on his mind to keep him occupied.
Jessica.
Today had started out so well and ended so … badly. He closed his eyes and leaned back into the seat. He thumped his hand on the wheel. Ow! Sometimes he forgot he was meant to be recuperating, that he couldn’t use his arm like that. It hurt badly sometimes, ached, bothered him when he was uptight or unsure.
He hated not being strong and capable. It wasn’t that he was weak, but he’d always been the tough guy, the one who could be counted on physically and mentally in the worst of situations.
And it wasn’t like it was only his arm troubling him. His head was messed up, too, especially after his behavior earlier.
Somehow he’d managed to screw today up. Jessica was supposed to be the easy part, the simple meeting of a friend. How wrong he’d been.
Why was being back so hard? He was so good at being a soldier, it came so naturally to him. Ryan swallowed and looked out the window.
Being a dad had come naturally to him once, too.
So had being a husband.
But that felt like another lifetime ago. Like he could just hold on to it as a long-distant memory, but it was starting to fade. Fast.
Ryan jumped at a knock on the car window.
He cursed, then pushed the button to wind down the window and acknowledge George’s teacher. “You frightened the life out of me!”
“Sorry.” The young man smiled, holding out his hand.
Ryan opened the door and got out, shaking the teacher’s hand and leaning against the side of his car.
“It’s Shaun, right?”
The teacher nodded. Ryan had only met him once before, on his first day back, but he’d liked him straight away.
“I saw you sitting here and thought I’d see how you were getting on with George,” Shaun said.
Ryan shrugged. What did he say to that?
“Not great.” There seemed no point in not telling the truth.
“Anything I can do to help?”
“You know, once upon a time I knew exactly what to say to make him laugh, just to be there for him. You know?” he said.
Shaun gave him a kind smile.
“It’s not so easy anymore. Figuring out what the right thing to do with him is hard work,” Ryan admitted.
“I’m sure you’re doing everything you can. Just stick with it and do what feels right.”
Ryan nodded, shoulders heaving as he exhaled. He wasn’t usually one to open up, to talk to someone about how he felt, but George seemed to genuinely like his teacher. And he appreciated the offer of help.
“I guess I’ve found it hard to know what to say to him since his mom died. Until now, I’ve taken the easy way out and let my parents do the hard work.”
It had indeed been the coward’s way out and he was man enough to admit it. Especially now he could see firsthand the effect it had had on his boy.
“What matters is that you’re here now and you want to do something about it.” The teacher held out his hand again and patted Ryan on the shoulder with the other.
“You’ll get there, and if you need someone to talk to—either of you—I’m here. Okay?”
“Thanks.”
Shaun gestured toward the door. “I saw him by his locker before, I’m sure he’ll be out soon.”
Ryan watched the teacher walk off and got back in the car.
When he’d been redeployed the last time, he was still grieving for his wife. He’d held his son at the airport, hugged him tight and then walked away. Seeing his own mother hold his boy had left an image in his mind that had never faded. An image that told him George would be happier without his dad. That a messed-up, grieving, unsure father was nothing compared to the steady, loving influence of grandparents.
And then every month he’d stayed away it had simply been easier to keep telling himself it was true. That it was better for George, and it was sure easier for him. Because he didn’t have to see the similarities to his wife in his son’s face on a daily basis. Didn’t have to remember what it had been like when they’d been a family, the three of them. Happy and content.
But now … Now George was, well, not a little boy anymore. He’d gone from a sweet nine-year-old to an almost twelve-year-old with a voice on the verge of cracking and an attitude to boot. It was obvious he loved his grandparents, but his feelings toward his father were a whole other matter entirely.
If he even felt anything for his father anymore.
But what had Ryan expected? To come home and pick up where they’d left off? He’d been a fool to stay away so long, but he wasn’t going to run away again. He was going to stand up, take it on the chin and accept the fact that he’d failed his son.
The car door opened. Ryan sat up straighter and looked into the eyes of his son.
George scowled at him and slammed the door, school bag on his knee.
“Hey.”
George ignored him.
“Good day at school?”
Ryan received a shrug in return before George slumped down low and stared out the window.
He turned the ignition and pulled out into the traffic.
Part of Ryan wanted to explode. To pull over and grab his son and shake him until he listened. To tell him what he’d been through, how much he hurt, what he’d seen during wartime that had made his stomach turn.
“George …”
But he couldn’t tell him off. Because his son had done nothing wrong. He was just behaving how any hurt child of his age would. By dishing out the silent treatment. So Ryan clenched all his fingers around the wheel and kept his eyes on the road and his mouth shut.
George didn’t seem to have noticed he’d even been spoken to. But a letter every other week and a dad absent for almost two years since his last trip home meant that Ryan deserved the silent treatment. The short time he’d spent with him between deployments the last time had been strained and emotional, but George had been a lot younger then. More accepting and so excited to have his dad back.
So right now he needed to wait it out, or figure out a way to make amends. It wasn’t as if he could jump up and down and insist the boy behave. George was on his way to becoming a young man, and if he didn’t fix things between them soon, he might lose his chance forever.
But this wasn’t the army. And George wasn’t his subordinate.
He was a dad and he had a lot to prove before he deserved the title. Being a father wasn’t something you could write on a name tag and lay claim to. He’d been anything but a dad these past few years, and it was embarrassing. Ryan had grown up in a loving family, his parents had been married thirty-seven years and his own father had been a shining role model.
Ryan felt his knuckles harden, like he was trying to squeeze the lifeblood from the steering wheel.
He’d let his own dad down, too, as much as he’d let himself down. After having the best example set for him, Ryan had ignored his instincts, that gut feeling that he was behaving badly. Had left it way too long to make amends.
Which is why part of him wanted to run back to the army and write this entire episode off as too hard. Hide again because it was easier.
But he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do that. Because this time he had to face up to his past, to what had happened, and try to move forward. Instead of sticking his head in the sand like a stubborn ostrich.
Ryan flexed his jaw. The kid still hadn’t made a noise.
“What do you think about grabbing something to eat?”
George didn’t look at him, eyes still trained out the window, like he couldn’t think of anything worse than being in an enclosed space with his father, let alone having to communicate with him.
“Or would you rather go home?” Ryan asked.
“Home.”
Ryan nodded. At least he’d spoken. But he knew the drill. They’d arrive home, George would kiss his grandmother on the cheek and grab a handful of her baking, then head to his room. He’d either push his headphones on and blast music through his eardrums like he was determined to be deaf before his eighteenth birthday, or go square-eyed playing video games.
He had intended on asking George if he wanted to do something tonight, but that clearly wasn’t going to happen.
Which meant maybe, just maybe, he should call Jessica.
Jessica.
Now that was one word that was always sure to put a smile on his face. He had grinned like an idiot whenever a letter had arrived for him with her unmistakable handwriting on the back. And when he’d seen her today, he could barely wipe the smile from his lips.
He’d been rude earlier, hot then cold, and he had no idea why she’d rattled him so bad. Seeing her cry had done something to him, made him remember what it was like to see his wife cry. Years of her being the strong pillar of their marriage had fallen like dust to the ground that day they’d found out she’d had cancer. And seeing Jessica cry today had messed with his head in the same way.
But she had seemed on edge, too, before she’d broken down. Not herself, if that was even possible for him to know when he’d never met her before. But all those letters, all those words they’d shared, they counted for something. And deep down something was telling him that she would be just as annoyed with herself as he was with himself right now.
Which meant there was a glimmer of hope that she’d give him another chance and agree to the dinner she’d suggested before he’d blown cold and fled like a pride of lions was in pursuit of his soul.
Ryan sighed and pulled into the driveway of his parents’ house.
He’d already made a mess of his relationship with his son, but he didn’t have to ruin the one good thing in his life right now. Jessica was a great friend, had been a great friend, and he wasn’t going to act like an idiot and face the prospect of going back to war somewhere without knowing her letters would follow him there.
Wherever in the world he’d been, wherever they’d sent him, her letters had always found him. And she had no idea how that had kept him going. Kept him alive when everything else had gone so wrong.
He glanced at George again and noticed his eyes had closed. Great, now he preferred being unconscious to being in the car with his dad.
There was no chance of them spending time together tonight, so he wasn’t going to beat himself up about going out on a date.
Ryan clasped the wheel harder and stared straight ahead.
Not a date. Not in any way a date.
He was going to ask a friend for dinner. They’d already discussed it earlier.
Just because she looked incredible did not mean it was a date by any stretch of the word.
He ground his teeth together.
George leaped from the car with the most enthusiasm Ryan had seen from him all day as soon as they were stationary.
Dinner with Jessica was definitely his best option. Jessica couldn’t stop stirring her coffee. It was the only way she could continuously avoid her friend’s stare.
“You can’t avoid me forever.”
That was the problem. Bella had been her best friend far too long to be put off so easily. But what could she tell her? The truth was she had no idea herself what had happened.
“So what did he look like?”
Jessica took a sip and ignored the way the liquid burned her mouth.
“He was, um, normal. You know? Just a regular guy.”
She looked down again. If normal guys had frames that could fill doorways without an inch of fat covering their bones. Sharp blue eyes that made her want to blush every time they were turned her way, or tanned skin that seemed like the sun itself had fallen to earth to kiss it.
“Normal?” Bella didn’t sound convinced.
Jess nodded.
And received a punch to the arm in response.
“You’re lying.” Then Bella poked her, hard. “You know you can’t lie to me!”
Jess sighed. “Okay, so he was good-looking, but it doesn’t matter anyway.”
Bella started to laugh. “Mmm, so the fact that your soldier was hot didn’t interest you at all?”
Jessica felt her cheeks burn. They heated up so fast it was as if a fire had been lit in her mouth.
“Bella, we both know I’m not interested. He’s a friend, nothing more.” She did her best to sound firm. Assertive.
It didn’t come naturally to her. Not given the current subject matter.
“Did you like him, though? I mean, if you weren’t all hung up on not getting involved with someone …”
Jessica didn’t like where this conversation was going. Not at all.
“Theoretically, yes.” She held up her hand as Bella got that look on her face. That look that made her appear like an overexcited Labrador dog. “But that’s irrelevant because I’m not interested in men. Period.”
Bella didn’t seem put off. “Did you find out if he was being redeployed anywhere?”
Jessica felt her skin prickle, like a hedgehog had rolled over her arms, making goose pimples appear. She didn’t want to think about Ryan being sent back to his unit. Wherever in the world that might be, she knew in her gut it would be dangerous.
She nodded. “Yeah, he’s going back.”
“So let me get this right.” Bella grinned and shuffled her chair closer. “You’re telling me that the guy was gorgeous, you were attracted to him and he’s only here for a short time?”
Jess definitely didn’t like where this was going. She didn’t even bother replying. It wasn’t as if Bella was about to start listening to her now. She never had before.
“So can you explain to me why you don’t want to jump his bones?”
She sighed. Did that type of question even warrant a response? So she’d thought about him like that. He was attractive, yes. He was charming. He was, well, nice. Better than nice. Wonderful.
But it still didn’t mean she was going to let something happen romantically. She’d promised herself no men, no complications, no romance.
So why would she consider breaking her rules now for him?
“Jess?”
She shook her head. “I’m just not interested in Ryan or anyone else for that matter. Not now.”
“You’re missing the point, Jess.” Bella reached over the kitchen counter and took hold of her friend’s hand. “We’re talking about a guy who’s only going to be here for a short time, before he’s sent miles away. It’s not like it would be something long-term.” She paused. “You could let your hair down, forget all about what’s happened and just live in the now for a while.”
Jessica didn’t want to hear this. She wished she could close her ears and sing loudly like a naughty child who refused to listen until her friend shut up. Only they weren’t children and Bella kind of had a point. But it didn’t matter what she said or how tempting it might sound. She was a cancer survivor. She had to focus on her health. On her future.
On protecting her heart.
And she didn’t want to ruin her friendship with Ryan. What they had might be paper-based, but it meant a lot to her.
“Well?”
“No.”
Bella rolled her eyes. “Give me one good reason?”
The phone rang. Jessica had never been so pleased for an interruption. Its shrill bleeping made her jump to her feet.
“Hello,” she answered.
“Hey, Jess, it’s Ryan.”
The deep baritone that hit her eardrums sent a lick of excitement down her spine. She could curse Bella for putting ideas in her head!
“Hi, Ryan.”
There was a pause. A silence that made her heart pound hard.
“I was, ah, wondering if you wanted to have dinner tonight after all?”
Jessica made the mistake of looking up at Bella. Her friend looked like she needed a paper bag, as if she were on the verge of hyperventilating.
“Is it him?” Bella was mouthing at her.
She nodded then turned her back. “Sure.”
Now Bella was flapping her hands. She was in danger of becoming airborne.
“Quiet,” Jess mouthed as she turned back, but her friend wasn’t listening.
“Shall I pick you up around seven?”
“Sounds great. I’ll see you then.”
As she hung up Jessica looked at Bella.
“Well?”
Jess gulped. “We’re going out for dinner.”
“Yaaaaaay!”
She cringed at Bella’s high pitch. She should never have told her.
“I can’t believe you’re finally back in the game.” Her friend sighed with satisfaction. “Going out on a date.”
Jess wished a hole would open up in the carpet and swallow her. Just suck her up and eat her whole. This was not a date. Absolutely not a date. No way.
“What are you going to wear?”
Jess groaned. Who was she kidding? This was absolutely a date. It didn’t matter what she tried to pretend, or how she thought about it. She was a girl going out for dinner with a boy, her stomach was leaping around as if something with wings had taken ownership of it, and Ryan had sounded as unsure as she had felt herself on the phone.
Given that she’d promised herself there was to be no dating for five years, she’d broken her one rule pretty fast.
But maybe Bella was right. If something did happen between them, if she did want something to happen, would it be so bad? Ryan wasn’t hanging around for long, there was no chance she could have her heart broken or get into something long-term, because he wouldn’t even be here beyond a couple of months.
“Come on, let’s get you ready.”
She looked at Bella and tried not to get excited. Ryan would be here in a few hours. She’d be getting in his car, sitting across from him at a restaurant somewhere, looking into those sparkling blue eyes …
Jess groaned again, even more loudly.
So much for thinking of him as nothing more than a friend.
Jessica wished she could quell the inconsistent thudding of her heart, but she couldn’t. It was no use.
She was nervous. Terrified. And for some reason there was nothing she could do to calm her nerves, her fear or her excitement.
If Bella hadn’t kept insisting it was a date …
Argh. The word kept circling her brain like an eagle hunting prey. It wasn’t a date. So why—the more she thought about the word—did it seem she was trying to convince herself of a cold-edged lie?
Jess parted the blinds to look out at the street. She watched as a couple of cars passed. The third one slowed then pulled up outside her house. Her hand dropped away, as if she’d been burned.
It was like this morning all over again.
Except this time she didn’t want to run from the scene. This time she wanted to run into his arms.
She growled at herself. She needed to stop listening to Bella.
But despite all her reasoning to the contrary, her promises to herself, the truth was that she was tempted. He was going away again soon. And she was attracted to him. So if he was interested in her like that then didn’t she owe it to herself to have a good time?
The logical part of her brain was telling her no. That his friendship meant too much to throw it all away. To even risk the possibility of something happening.
But the other part? That was telling her to have fun. To let her hair down for once. To enjoy the company of a man who didn’t know any of her baggage, her past. Who didn’t want to treat her as if broken glass was shattered over her skin, like he could hurt her.
That part knew that maybe, just maybe, this was an opportunity to be herself. A woman who wasn’t afraid of moving forward and having fun. For the short term anyway.
Jess straightened her shoulders and ran her hands down her jeans. She wasn’t going to wait for him to knock this time. Her poor heart couldn’t handle it.
It had been a long time since Ryan had felt like he couldn’t settle his nerves. His career depended on it. When he was deployed, he always kept calm, had a confidence and calmness that saw him through any scenario.
So when Jessica walked out onto the porch and gave him a half wave, before turning to lock the door, he was taken by surprise. It felt like someone had placed a steady hand around his throat and squeezed, just for a moment, to make him gasp for the next gulp of air. Made his mind scramble, as if he were incapable of utilizing the rational, functioning part of his brain.
Jessica had to fiddle with the lock and it gave him time to watch her. This girl who’d meant so much to him for so long.
He’d known he would feel close to her, but he hadn’t expected this. He’d thought she would be a normal American girl, just another person in the world. The kind of girl you’d pass in the street and not necessarily notice.
How wrong he’d been.
Her hair was messy, as if she’d spent hours at the beach to put the wind through it and then played with each strand through her fingers. It was tousled and slightly curly, falling below her shoulders. Her skin was golden, as if the sun had just been allowed to skim it, and … He gulped.
Looking any further wasn’t going to help him. The curve of her backside in her denim jeans, the silhouette of her upper half in her summery top.
He swallowed again, hard, when she turned to face him. Jessica was smiling, her full lips pulled back to show off white teeth, eyes slightly downcast as if she was a touch embarrassed.
Any thought of her being “just a friend” fled his mind.
It wasn’t because he’d been away serving. It wasn’t because he hadn’t been around women in a long while.
It was simply Jessica.
She did something to him, scrambled his brain and made his body jump, like he’d never experienced before.
Ryan leaped from the car. He couldn’t have moved faster if it had been on fire. It was like his brain and his body were finally capable of acting as one.
“Hey.”
Jessica’s cheeks were touched with the lightest of pink blushes.
“Hey,” she said back.
He walked forward, wanted to kiss her on the cheek, but felt awkward. They stood, watched one another for a moment, before he stepped back.
Idiot.
“Let me get the door.” Suddenly he was all nerves, more thumbs than fingers as he walked around to the passenger side.
She walked past him and ducked to get into the car. “Thanks.”
He grinned at her, he could feel the goofy smile on his face and was incapable of doing anything to remove it.
Jessica looked up at him, her own face open, expectant.
“Let’s go grab some dinner,” he said.
She nodded at him, before he closed the door.
Ryan walked slowly back around to the driver’s side and tried to pull himself together. He had possibly the most beautiful woman he’d ever met sitting in his car, waiting for him to be charming, expecting the person she’d met on paper, and he could hardly string a sentence together.
Jessica had looked good earlier today, but he hadn’t had the chance to just watch her and drink her in.
He got in the car and pulled on his seat belt.
Ryan could feel her, smell her, sense her beside him. He made himself look over at her and smile. Ignored the insistent thump of his pulse, or his heart near beating from his chest and tried to act relaxed.
“We doing that ‘start over’ thing again?”
He smiled at Jessica’s joking tone.
“We don’t need to start over.” He turned the ignition. “It was just, well, kind of weird meeting after knowing each other on paper for so long. Don’t you think? We both sort of overreacted.”
Jessica sighed. “Thank goodness we’re on the same page.”
He laughed at the same time she did. Their eyes met and they laughed some more. It was as if all the worry had vanished, the knot of uneasiness in his stomach had been untied. Just from hearing her laugh, knowing she felt the same way.
“Excuse the pun,” Jessica managed to say, when they’d stopped laughing.
Ryan resisted the urge to reach for her hand, to make a connection with her. It was so unnatural for him to even think like that, but with Jessica it felt natural.
“We’re going to have a good time tonight.”
She leaned back in her seat, body angled to face him. “I think so, too.”
Ryan chanced a quick glance at his passenger. She was looking out the window now.
He dragged his eyes back to the road.
Maybe coming home was the best thing he’d ever done.
Jessica smiled. She couldn’t have wiped the grin from her face if she wanted to.
This morning, she’d been a bundle of nerves. She hadn’t been much better this afternoon. But seeing Ryan again, being with him, something about it felt so right. They shared an understanding, had a bond that was hard to describe.
And Bella had been right.
She was attracted to him.
It didn’t mean she wanted something to happen between them. But maybe she did have to listen to her friend. She’d been celibate for well over a year now, had pledged not to put her heart in harm’s reach or let someone else suffer because of what she might have to go through in the future.
But if Ryan was only here for a short time, who was she to say no to a romantic fling?
Jessica glanced over at Ryan, watched his strong hands grip the wheel, his jaw strong and angled and freshly shaved.
There was nothing not to like about him.
So if she couldn’t get hurt or hurt him in return, what was the harm in admitting it?
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