Kitabı oku: «Dog Soldiers: Part 3 of 3: Love, loyalty and sacrifice on the front line»

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

14 I really miss you, son …

15 Hero dogs

16 Coping beyond hope

17 Moving on

Epilogue – The Fallen

Moving Memoirs eNewsletter

About the Publisher

Chapter 14
I really miss you, son …

I’m really not sure how we all made it through Liam’s repatriation, but we did – just about. They say there are several stages to the grieving process and I’m not sure where we all were after the repatriation. I was still feeling a huge sense of loss confused with not really believing that it had happened. Sometimes I would think it was all a bad dream and Liam would suddenly appear large as life, wondering what all the glum faces were about, and give me a big hug. But then reality hit and the tears would come back with force. There really is no way of escaping the truth.

I was still haunted by the scene of the hearse driving away out of Wootton Bassett. To me, they were driving Liam away from me, and at the time I didn’t know where he was going. I later found out that he was being taken to the John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford for the autopsy. I don’t think it would have helped to know that at the time. Not at all. For all of our emotional turmoil there was the military process too. The autopsy and inquest lay ahead, but for me the day was a weird slice of someone else’s life. Another mother who had lost her son. Not me. Until the tears returned.

I can’t deny that there were members of the family who reached the anger stage ahead of me. They were concerned that the huge attention Liam and Theo were given in the media two weeks before they died had made them a Taliban target. They were wondering – should we have tried to get him home earlier? They said if we had requested it he would have been sent home alive and none of this would have happened. Had we let our boy down?

If Liam had been around to ask I know what he would have said. Liam’s answer would have been ‘no’, we had not let him down. I know my son and he would have been furious with us. He was a young man who loved his job and was proud of his achievements. To ask for him to be pulled out just ahead of his tour ending would have made it worse. He was already dreading leaving Theo to carry on working without him. Besides, he was restless when he was home. The job was his life. He wanted to be out there with his mates and protecting the lads with Theo at his side.

When the Army filmed Liam and Theo going through their paces at Camp Bastion just two weeks before they died the world saw, in a way they maybe hadn’t before, just how skilled and valuable dogs like Theo are in the military. They are with the troops on the front line, working in the face of danger, which is why the dogs are so well loved and respected. It’s why Liam was proud to be the soldier chosen for the job and why he would have died with honour doing the job he loved and for his country. If God had granted it, Liam would have made it his life’s work.

Was I angry? Yes, I was angry, angry with God, for a wee while at least. But I’ve always believed so I decided to reach an agreement with Him. He already had my dad and now Liam was with Him, too, so I asked Him to look after them both until it was my turn. I reached my decision and made my peace with God so I left my disappointment in Him behind. If ever I needed my faith it was then, and besides, what does anger get you? Nothing, and it was never going to bring Liam back to me, and that’s all I wanted.

Part of the torture of losing a loved one who dies serving overseas is that no sooner are you over one thing than you are preparing for the next. It’s painful, like a long drawn-out goodbye. Liam’s funeral was going to be the last step and the biggest for all of us to bear. I can honestly say that I never expected to have to organise a funeral for one of my children.

I kept asking when would Liam be home as I was desperate to hold his funeral before 26 March, which was Nicola’s birthday. It was her 14th birthday that year, bless her. She had shared so much with me and I didn’t want her special day to be overshadowed, as it would have been. That was inevitable. She deserved more and Liam wouldn’t have wanted me to put anything before Nic’s happiness that day.

Liam came home to Scotland on 17 March. His funeral was five days later.

He would be laid to rest at home in Tayport with full military honours. The service took place in the church where he was christened and the place my family call home. In the military, because you move about so much, you have to have a spiritual home, somewhere everything and everyone comes back to at the end of everything. I also wanted to make sure that Liam’s last wishes were carried out just as he had set down in his final letter to me. That was so important to me, and no one was going to stand in my way.

It was typical of Liam to make his last letter to me something I could re-read and laugh and cry all at the same time. He called it his ‘admin’, which in Forces’ language is all part of the paperwork that has to be completed before a tour of duty. Insurance, a final will and testament and last letters to loved ones … just in case. I can imagine Liam putting pen to paper and thinking, never going to need this but here we go. It will keep my mother happy.

Four days after hearing of Liam’s death we were told that Liam’s final letter to his family had been found and it was ready to be handed over. I wasn’t aware of this right away as Phil, our liaison officer, contacted my brother Rich and they met so the letter could be handed into our care discreetly and privately. Maybe Phil felt it would be better coming to me from Rich than anyone outside the family. He obviously knew how upset I would be and Rich would be able to pick the right moment. It turned out there were messages for all of us and, although I was relieved that Liam had left something, to actually sit down to read through it all was quite a different matter.

Rich was the perfect person to hand the letters to me. I wasn’t home at the time but when he gently told me he had something for me I skipped the shopping and headed back. I took the envelope from him and held it tight. I can’t tell you what I was thinking but I remember taking a good deep breath before Jimmy and I went into the bedroom to read it together. I want to share the letter he wrote to me. I never thought I could do that but I’m ready. All I ask is that you please remember that he was a young lad writing this to his family – just in case he was killed in action. That’s the massive tragedy of it all: he wrote it thinking it would never be read.