Kitabı oku: «In a Kingdom by the Sea»

CHAPTER ONE

London, 2009

It all begins with an unexpected phone call. It is early evening at the beginning of June and London is as warm as midsummer. It is Mike’s birthday and we are just about to have a party. The French windows are open onto the garden. Mike is outside placing night-lights on the small tables we have dotted about the lawn. He is humming to himself, out of tune, as I check the salads, artisan bread and the wine.

I smile as I watch him through the kitchen window. He has only been back from Dubai for a couple of weeks and I am revelling in him being home again.

‘What do you think?’ he calls, switching on the white fairy lights that he has threaded through the magnolia tree.

‘Fantastic!’ I call back. The lights make the overgrown and neglected garden spring alive in the soft, pink haze of early evening.

Mike is wearing an expensive shirt and shorts. His arms and legs are tanned and muscular. A sprinkling of dark hairs covers his forearms and wrists. Wrists that still give me a little frisson of desire, after all this time.

My husband has that sleek, well-groomed look of a man who works abroad, uses the gym regularly and looks after himself. There is, as yet, no hint of middle-aged spread. Paunch is a forbidden word. He has taken a rare, long leave to decide what to do next and I wonder, as I watch him, how long it will be before he gets bored.

Will and Matteo had scoffed when I mooted the question of a family holiday this summer. ‘Yeah, yeah, Mum, nice thought, but Dad will be off before you’ve booked the tickets …’

I push two trays of garlic bread into the oven. When the boys were younger Mike would organize wonderful, adventurous holidays in far-flung places. Now, he spends his life flying off somewhere at a moment’s notice and my sons are almost grown up and busy with their own lives. It is much harder to get together as a family and I miss those times.

Mike’s mobile phone rings suddenly into the silence, making us both jump. He fishes it out of his back pocket and turns in small circles on the grass as he listens. Excitement begins to radiate from him in waves.

I go and lean against the French windows. ‘Yes, I am interested,’ Mike says. ‘It is short notice, but I can make myself available to fly out … No, my contract in Dubai finished last month. I’m on leave … in London …’

He looks up suddenly and makes an astonished face at me.

‘Yes, that figure sounds … reasonable … Okay, thank you. I’ll wait to hear from you …’

Mike gives a whoop, throws his phone on the table and whirls me round. ‘How extraordinary. That was a headhunter. A job has just come up. They’re looking for someone with experience of working for airlines in the Middle East. She wanted to know if I was free for an interview. The salary they are offering is huge, Gabby.’

‘Where?’ I ask, my heart sinking.

‘It may not come to anything, but if it does, honestly, darling … this could be an amazing opportunity …’

‘Stop stalling, Mike, and tell me where it is?’

Mike reluctantly meets my eyes. ‘It’s a small airline called Pakistan Atlantic Airlines. They are recruiting from their head office in Canada, but I would be working out of … Karachi.’

I stare at him. ‘You are joking? With all that’s going on in Afghanistan at the moment? For God’s sake, Mike.’

Mike holds his hands up. ‘I know. I know. There would be safety issues but I wouldn’t think of taking the job unless I was satisfied about my security out there.’ He hesitates. ‘Gabby, I know I promised to spend most of the summer with you and the boys, but opportunities like this don’t come up often, I’d be mad not to explore it …’

I start to move away but Mike catches hold of me. ‘Come on, darling, at the moment it’s just a phone call. Let’s see what happens …’

‘It’s not just the summer, Mike. You told me that you were going to look for jobs nearer to London. You said you wanted to see more of the boys before they left home for good …’

‘I do, but I work for airlines and most of the interesting jobs are abroad. You know that, Gabby, you’re used to me working away from home. It’s not perfect, but it’s worked for both of us over the years. It’s enabled us to travel, take the boys to great places and both do jobs we love …’

The doorbell rings. People are arriving.

‘I’ve had enough of living apart, Mike. Neither of us is young any more. I really believed you were going to start to wind down.’

Mike shoots me a look. He hates being reminded of his age.

‘That’s why, if I was offered this job, I would jump at it, Gabby. This will, undoubtedly, be my last big, prestigious job with an airline. My swansong, if you like. I’d really like my career to end on a high note. Is that so selfish?’

Of course not, this is Mike’s career, his life.

‘Sorry. I’m the one being selfish. Pakistan is a shock, but of course you have to consider it.’

Mike hugs me. ‘Thank you.’

The doorbell rings again and someone shouts irritably through the letterbox, ‘Is there supposed to be a bloody party in there or not?’

I laugh. ‘Go on, Birthday Boy, let people in …’

Mike grins and makes for the door. ‘I’m not going to mention this to anyone, until I know more …’

Mike has asked too many people and they all seem to arrive at once, filling the hall and spilling through the sitting room and out through the French windows into the garden. They are mostly Mike’s friends and colleagues but I have asked two friends from my publishing world, to balance the airline banter.

Emily and Kate arrive together. Emily started as my intern. She now runs foreign rights in the small translation company I set up fifteen years ago. Kate has a literary agency with her husband, Hugh. We all go back a long way and work closely together.

I am hoping Dominique will come. My sister is on a flying visit from Paris and she promised she would try to pop in.

Mike is in his element, catching up with people he hasn’t seen for a while, revelling in airline gossip. It makes me realize how restless he has been the last few days. What was I thinking? Age is never going to dull his ambition, Mike can only relax when he knows what his next job is going to be. Will and Matteo are right; their father is not equipped for downtime at home.

I miss my sons with an abrupt little pang. I wish they could have been here for Mike’s birthday but they are both at uni in Scotland and in the middle of exams. They are secretly proud of their father but they are protective of me and not uncritical of Mike’s long absences. For most of their growing up it has been just the three of us, here in London. Mike working away from home is part of our normal, everyday life.

Mike does the big adventures, plans wonderful holidays. I do the humdrum and the routine, but, inevitably, I am the one at the heart of their lives. The one who was there at the end of the school day and through all the small joys and boring minutiae. I listened to their secrets. I got the gossip and the hugs.

I also get to trip over young, comatose bodies all over this three-storey house when Mike is away. I am the nag who yells at them to turn the music down but I am also the one they both come to when life gets tough, when they are flying with happiness or in hopeless love.

Mike winks at me from the other side of the room and I smile back. He is an effortless host, circulating and making sure everyone’s glass is filled. He can light a room with his energy but he is mercurial and his moods can swing.

Emily, Kate and I are bumping round each other in my crowded kitchen washing plates for Mike’s birthday cake, when Dominique finally arrives.

Mike answers the door and I see them both air kiss in the hall. Mike and Dominique have never got on, but they both try, for me.

I hug my sister. ‘Hi darling.’

‘Hi you,’ she says, smiling. She is wearing a dreary, dark dress that does not suit her. I wonder why. We both have Maman’s sallow colouring and dark colours make us look like Russian peasants. Dominique makes clothes for other people and has always had an instinctive dress sense, usually wearing warm, bright colours.

I carry the birthday cake out to the garden and everyone sings ‘Happy Birthday’. As Mike cuts the cake I can tell from the look on his face that he is bursting to talk about his job offer. I will him not to. If the job does not materialize he will regret mentioning it later.

I look at his tanned, mostly unlined face. It is hard to believe that he is fifty-four today. He doesn’t look it. I sometimes wonder if our marriage works so well because we lead independent lives. We always have a lot to talk about and there is rarely time to bicker. We also like each other, trust each other, because we have to.

The thing that prevents smug middle-age and makes me wistful is the fact that we have never been a close little family unit of four. We have not had that intimate and unique bond that Dominique and I had when we were small, growing up with Maman and Papa in Cornwall. I wanted us to be like that, a family that makes everyone else into an outsider.

I wanted Mike to be as protective of his boys as Papa was with Dominique, and me. I would love him to listen to them a little more and lecture them a little less. I would like him to accept Matteo’s non-academic choices and to spend more time with both of them, but it is not going to happen. Family life has changed; the world is faster. I am not Maman, either. Dominique and I never had an instant meal or un-ironed school uniform. Or, most terrible of all, Maman would never have forgotten a sports day because she was having a personnel crisis at work.

I watch Mike as he leans towards Jacob and Nick. The three of them have all climbed the corporate ladder together. He cannot resist telling them about his phone call from the headhunter.

Jacob whistles. ‘Pakistan Atlantic Airlines, Karachi?’

‘You do know that Karachi is one of the most dangerous cities in the world?’ Nick says. ‘I know someone who refuses to work anywhere in Pakistan. You should check how safe it is to be out there before you even consider it.’

‘PAA is based in Toronto, so if they want a European director for crisis management, why not pick a Canadian?’ Jacob asks.

‘The Karachi to Heathrow flight in particular is haemorrhaging money …’ Mike says. ‘So I suspect they are interested in anyone who might have some influence in obtaining slots at Heathrow.’

They all laugh. Slots at Heathrow are like gold dust.

‘Apart from the obvious dangers, Pakistan will be a minefield!’ Jacob warns. ‘I bet one of your remits is to discover how much corruption is going on.’

‘Of course it will be.’

‘Rather you than me,’ Nick says. ‘I can see it might be a good career move, but personally, I wouldn’t be up for all the stress and cultural pitfalls …’

‘I bet they are tempting you with an enticing salary,’ Jacob says.

‘They are, but I never go anywhere just for the money. It’s the challenge of turning round a failing airline.’

Nick raises his glass to Mike. ‘I know. Go for the interview. You can’t make a judgement before that. Good luck, mate. Happy birthday!’

Jacob raises his eyebrows at me. ‘Bit hard on Gabby if you disappear again so soon, isn’t it?’

‘My clever wife has her own successful career,’ Mike says smoothly. ‘She is used to me disappearing. She knows I’m not ready to turn a challenge down yet. Anyway, I’ll have to check a lot of things before I agree to anything. Now, who needs a refill?’

Kate and Emily follow me back into the kitchen. Dominique has stayed there, sitting on a kitchen chair, knocking back the red wine.

‘How do you really feel about Mike going for a job in Pakistan?’ Emily asks. ‘Karachi isn’t exactly a safe city for women. Will you be able to even visit him?’

Dominique has ears like a bat. ‘Karachi!’

I stall her. ‘Mike’s been approached for a possible job out there. It’s not worth discussing … It probably won’t happen.’

I carry plates to the sink, closing the subject.

‘How typically Mike. He’s only just got home,’ Dominique mutters under her breath.

I turn and move the bottle of red wine out of her reach. When my sister goes to the loo, Emily says, ‘Sorry, Gabby, I forgot Dominique and Mike fight over you.’

‘Don’t worry. It’s just that Dominique seems to be drinking rather a lot and I don’t want a stand-off on Mike’s birthday.’

Emily gathers up her bag. ‘I’d put the whole Pakistan thing out of your mind and just enjoy having Mike back, Gabby. Headhunters often get the job spec wrong anyway. I’ll have to go or I will turn into a pumpkin.’

Kate and I laugh. Newly single Emily is back at home while she looks for another flat. Her mother is driving her mad with her ‘little rule’ of being home by eleven.

‘I’ll have to go too,’ Kate says. ‘I promised I’d meet Hugh at his book launch thing at the V&A …’ She hugs me. ‘I’ve come to the conclusion that relationships are better for a bit of absence. I could certainly do with a bit of an absence from Hugh. He expects me to put in an appearance at his book launches yet he wouldn’t think of travelling across London for one of my writer’s thingies …’

‘That,’ said Emily, ‘is because men are Very Important, Kate, with very Important Authors and we are just women trying to promote commercial fiction …’

They link arms and disappear off to the underground together.

‘Are you okay?’ I ask Dominique when she comes back from the bathroom. She seems pale and subdued tonight.

‘I’m fine.’ She picks up her vast handbag. ‘I was hoping we might go off somewhere together while I was in London but you are obviously taken up …’

‘Oh, Dom, sorry, really bad timing. Mike’s just got home and you know how it is …’

‘Not really.’ Dominique smiles at me. ‘I’ve ordered a taxi. Give me a ring, darling, if you have time to see me before I fly home on Monday.’

‘Of course!’ I say guiltily. ‘Let’s have lunch together. You haven’t told me why you’re in London. You said you were staying with a friend?’

‘Well, she’s not exactly a friend. I used to make her clothes when she lived in Paris. She’s asked me to design her daughter’s wedding dress.’

‘How wonderful. So, you’re staying at her house?’

‘No. She’s put me up in a posh hotel round the corner from her house.’

‘Why didn’t you come here?’

‘It was a spur-of-the-moment thing and you are always so busy with work and I didn’t know if the boys were home …’

‘I’m never too busy to have you to stay, you know that.’ But I also know that Dominique will never stay if Mike is here.

Dominique fiddles with her bag as if she wants to say something.

‘Dom? Is something wrong?’

She shrugs. ‘No. You told me you had a few days off and I thought, maybe, while I was over here, we might get the train and spend a couple of days in Cornwall together. Stupid … a whim. I had forgotten that Mike would be back in London.’

I stare at her. Dominique has never expressed any wish to go back to Cornwall. At Papa’s funeral she vowed that when the house was sold she would never return.

‘What brought this on, darling?’

The taxi arrives at the bottom of the steps. Dominique does not answer. She hugs me. ‘I must go. Gabby, don’t you dare even think of going out to Pakistan …’

She runs down the steps and I call, ‘Another time, Dom. Let’s do it another time … Cornwall, I mean.’

Later that night, when Mike and I have cleared up the debris of the party and are lying exhausted wrapped around each other in bed, Mike whispers, ‘Thanks for such a great birthday … Pity the boys couldn’t be here …’ He buries his mouth in my hair. ‘Love you, Gabs.’

These are words Mike so rarely says that I am unnerved by the sound and shape of them; I shiver as if a ghost has tiptoed over my grave.

Mike falls instantly asleep but I lie awake in the dark feeling an odd ennui, probably brought on by the white wine. Or perhaps it is guilt that I never make time for Dominique when she always makes time for me.

I think of her sitting alone at the kitchen table, steadily working her way through a bottle of red wine, and I feel sad. There have been so many dramas in Dominique’s life that I dread hearing another, but it is no excuse. How did I get so busy that I neglect my sister?

I lie listening to Mike’s breathing. He will be offered the job in Pakistan. He will accept. We will live apart again. It is how our marriage has always been, but this time unease surfaces. It hums and hovers in the air like a tangible presence, a shapeless dark thing, crouched, waiting, just beyond reach.

Somehow, with one thing and another, I did not manage to meet Dominique before she flew home to her tiny flat in the Parisian suburbs. Mike’s job offer had unsettled me. I hid my disappointment. I did not want to play the martyr. Mike was off to new horizons, but I was still in my familiar role at home and oh, how dull that made me feel.

I wish I had not neglected my sister. I wish I had not been so preoccupied with Mike that I failed to pick up Dominique’s misery or her desperate need to talk to me. Her drinking, her dark clothes, her sudden wish to go back to Cornwall had all been clues. And I ignored them.