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Shift your focus, clear your mind

The most important thing to do in order to experience a different state of being is to stop thinking and allow yourself to be entirely in the present, not the future. You can transform your experience of anything by shifting the focus of your attention. By mastering this technique, you get more out of everything that you do. During lovemaking, you can experience more intense pleasure by simply choosing to focus on your pleasure.

 You can use any mundane activity as a meditation. While you’re walking to work, focus on enjoying every step of the way. Rather than mentally plan all the things you have to do, absorb the detail of what’s around you.

 At home, apply this approach to the tasks you loathe. Enjoy the sensory experience of washing up; slow it down, watch the bubbles, trace the water.

 Choose one focus for your mind. Channel all its powers into a single point, such as gazing at a flower. Let looking absorb all your mental energy. Keep practising this until you can hold the object in your mind’s eye, unwavering, for at least five minutes. When you have mastered this you can try sitting in meditation in front of a flickering candle flame, or just focus on the slow inhalation and exhalation of your breath.

Witness your thoughts

Sitting quietly and watching your thoughts is the first step to developing some degree of detachment from them. It is your thoughts that create a screen composed of preconceptions, judgments and interpretations that hamper relating. The first step to disengaging from the ceaseless activity of your mind is to become a witness to the process.

 Let any thoughts that enter your mind come and go without captivating your interest. Don’t struggle to control your thoughts; the best way to deal with them is to keep bringing your awareness back to your breathing. Breathe in, feeling the air fill your chest, and push your abdomen gently outwards. Hold the breath without any tension in your body, and then gently release the air.

 You will notice how often your mind pulls away from focusing on a simple act with all sorts of distractions. Don’t try to control your mind. The art of meditation is in letting go of thoughts, rather than trying to force your mind to be somewhere. Just observe your thoughts.

Meditation and sex

Tantra provides the perfect method and the motivation for keeping you in the moment: sex. Sex is one of the few moments in everyday life when we are able to suspend our thoughts; this is the sort of thought-gap that we aim for in meditation.

For most people sex provides one of the few peak experiences in life. Tantra holds that life can be like this all the time, if you learn to transform your consciousness. Life is really a vibrant, energizing, delicious stream of energy, if you can just let go of what you think life is all about and who you think you are. Letting go of preconceived ideas will automatically uncover a more authentic way of being.

Meditate on your sexual energy

After a relaxing bath, light a candle in front of a mirror. Gaze at your naked body in the mirror. Appreciate the beauty of your form. Then close your eyes and go inward.

 Enjoy the sensuality of your body. You are your sexuality.

 Let eroticism spread throughout your whole being. Draw your breath down into your pelvis, and then into your sexual organs. Sense them warm and alive, suffusing your body with sexual energy. Let a sensual glow radiate from your body.

 Enjoy being alive. Enjoy being sexy. Appreciate the sense of wellbeing that awakening your sexual nature allows you. Celebrate the presence of erotic energy – it is not only in you, it is all around you. Plug into it and let your erotic nature explode.

 Melt into sexual bliss.

Get a sexual energy-body

The sexual energy-body is part of the subtle body inside us that we can feel but not touch. The more you become aware of your own energy-body, the more you improve your wellbeing and enhance your sexual satisfaction. You also improve your ability to connect with your partner and sustain that connection. Working with Tantric techniques helps you to open your heart to more love, becoming more aware of the importance of love as well as the sacredness of life. One of the best byproducts of awakening your internal energy-body is achieving a state of dynamic meditation; this is when you feel vibrant, but amazingly relaxed.

Body therapists have discovered that the movement of energy through the body clears physical tension produced by holding your body tight, and promotes healthy function. Therapists release this by encouraging physical movement and paying attention to the streaming of energy in the body. This is close to the way Tantra views the relationship between the subtle energy-body and our physical body. Your natural state of energy is one of constant flow.

Feeling your unique energy-body

This meditation helps you sense and connect with the vitality of your inner body of energy.

 Close your eyes to focus on sensing your body from within. Let your body revel in its vitality. Focus your awareness on your pelvis, feeling it radiating energy. Let the energy spread from your pelvis into your chest and heart area. Feel the energy in your head, arms and hands. Let the energy spread from your hips and buttocks down into your legs and feet.

 Relax into your body more deeply. Sense how this energy pervades your heart, your lungs, your muscles and every tissue of your body. Focus on the sensation inside your body.

 Feel that every cell of your body is full of vitality, vibrating with energy. Focus all your attention on this.

 Let go of the form of your body. Pay attention to the feel of this energy, visualizing the finely vibrating atoms and molecules. Feel how your body is made up of energy; you are just a small part of a vast energy field.

 Sense how the subtle energy field that makes up the universe permeates you. Let it course throughout your whole body.

Awaken your inner fire

This meditation helps you to connect with your natural erotic energy.

 Lie down comfortably, allowing your whole body to relax. Focus on your gentle breathing.

 Feel your sexual energy emanating from your pelvis. Sense it penetrating your whole body. Revel in the sensuality of your body.

 Imagine an intense, inner heat at the core of your being. Visualize this as red fire permeating your body. Let your sexual energy enliven you – don’t think, feel it: feel your sexual being. Embrace that sexual power.

As you go about your daily life, allow this sexual energy to be in your awareness. Don’t cut off from it, judging it inappropriate, embarrassing or distracting. Sexuality is your true nature.

Allow it to colour your interactions with warmth, passion and sexual presence.

The chakra energy map

The energy-body has been documented over thousands of years. The body’s energy system is considered to be a microcosm of the universe. In this model, there is usually a central conduit of energy from the base of the spine to the crown of the head, fed by two main channels on either side and a network of subsidiary arteries. Along the main channels are areas where the energy gathers and seems particularly intense. These are described as chakras, or wheels of energy. There are seven principle chakras, and myriad minor chakra points.

At the crown of the head is the seventh chakra, where mind and body, heart and soul are unified. Tantric practitioners describe this unification symbolically as the lovemaking of the divine goddess and her consort, whose sexual satisfaction creates a cosmic state of bliss and connectedness.

Give yourself pleasure

Sensual pleasure is vital for your wellbeing. It nurtures your body and opens you to sexual experience, enhancing your life. You need pleasure as an affirmation of your right to happiness and joy. Touch and nurturing are healing. The need for touch is crucial for survival and development – so touch yourself.

You need pleasure in your life, so learn to prioritize pleasure. Think about what gives you pleasure; you might want to write down all the things you enjoy doing, and then think about how much (or how little) time you actually spend doing those things.

It’s important to make more time for yourself. You can nourish yourself and your loved ones with touch, with food, with sleep, with sex. By focusing more on the sensual pleasure provided through sensory contact, you will get more from it. Demonstrating your love and affection creates an atmosphere of love, which nourishes you too. Being demonstrative affirms your own positive feelings.

Sensuous touch

Touch is a vital means of opening to pleasure. Through touch, you can reacquaint your body with subtle sensation. Slow and gentle touch allows you to relax into the sensation more fully. Touch each other gracefully, with gentleness. Have a session in which you spend time exploring the surfaces of each other’s body, enjoying the shapes, textures and smells of your partner’s flesh.

 When you touch your lover, keep your touch light. Imagine that you are tracing exquisite designs on your lover’s skin.

 Think of softer, slower ways of touching your partner; this way sensuality arises naturally and won’t feel contrived.

Try using your fingertips, your fingernails or a feather to touch. Touch through silk, or massage with textured food like avocado puree or natural yoghurt.

Massage

Massage is about feeling good in your body, releasing tension, relaxing, receiving and surrendering to love. You can practise self-massage, or enjoy giving and receiving massage with your partner. It’s a good way to nurture each other, to feel cared for and looked after. Knotted muscles can be kneaded out, aches and stiffness released, worries stroked away and skin stimulated. By relaxing your partner through massage, you prepare him or her to receive your love and absorb your tenderness.

If your partner is going through a phase of not feeling sexually alive or responsive, massage maintains the physical contact that you associate with lovemaking. When you are having a difficult time sexually, massage helps you keep touching in a safe, non-pressurized way. All sex therapists suggest opting for non-genital touch and massage whenever your lovemaking is not working for one or both of you, and you need to work towards a new style of lovemaking. Your partner will relax more if massage is not set up as a prelude to sex, but something to enjoy for its own sake. Massage is about giving, without expectation of receiving – and receiving without feeling that you have to reciprocate. Sex, however, assumes that you will be responsive, and if your partner is not in the mood they will experience your desire as a pressure to satisfy your needs.

Sensual massage technique

There are a few golden rules for massage:

1 Keep the room warm. You may like to cover the parts of the body that you are not massaging with a warm towel.

2 Place a few drops of massage oil in your palms and rub them together to warm the oil before you apply it.

3 Keep one hand on your partner at all times; it’s distracting if your partner doesn’t feel your touch and then you suddenly place your hands on their body.

 Start with your partner lying on their front and work on the area just above the buttocks. Use long strokes, sweeping from the base of the spine (on either side of the vertebrae rather than directly on the bones) up to the shoulders – use one hand on each side of the spine.

 Knead the buttocks and work up along the spine.

 Pay attention to releasing the muscles around the shoulder blades, starting on either side of the spine and moving around the side of the shoulder blade and then towards the shoulder joints. You may want to use both hands to knead the area above the shoulder blade, working first on one side, then on the other side of the body.

 Massage along the side of the neck vertebra and into the base of the neck.

 Once you have relaxed your partner’s body, you can start exploring different strokes, varying the rhythm and depth of pressure. Be careful not to hurt your partner at any stage, and always stop immediately if he or she feels uncomfortable. Ask for feedback throughout, so you can respond to your partner’s needs.

Self-pleasuring

Self-pleasuring is the key to taking responsibility for your own sexual satisfaction. Through self-exploration, you can learn about your own unique sexual response and focus on the subtleties of your own erotic pleasure. You can jettison old habitual ways of stimulating yourself if they aren’t particularly pleasurable, and discover new sensations. When you learn how to extend your erotic pleasure, you can share this knowledge with your sexual partner. Through experiencing yourself as pleasure, you can later include your partner in your pleasure.

As you pleasure yourself, allow your feelings to arise without judging yourself. Appreciate your positive qualities, and accept those that you know you struggle with (shyness, embarrassment or shame, for example). If you can achieve this, you will be able to reconnect with your passion for yourself, others and your life.

Make love to yourself

In order to connect with your sexual energy, make love to yourself. Set the scene by making sure the room is warm and put on some sensual, inviting music. Light some candles and a stick of incense, and crush some flower petals into a bowl of water. Then anoint your body with talcum powder or oil, appreciating the soft sensation of your flesh.

 Sit comfortably as you start to anoint your skin with massage oil, or use talc if you don’t want to get too oily. Enjoy the feel of your body under your hands as well as the way your hands feel to your body.

 Explore your body as if you were your own lover. Treat the experience like a meditation, relaxing into it. Take your time, experimenting with different touches. Stroke yourself with a feather, your hands, talcum powder or massage oil. Discover the sensitivity of different areas, paying particular attention to those you habitually neglect. Enter fully into the experience of your own pleasure.

 After some time, focus on your genitals. Women: Oil your genitals all over – your inner thighs, vulva, inner lips and your anus. Explore the delicate skin on the inside of your thighs, perhaps stroking your breasts at the same time. Touch your inner and outer lips, and all the surfaces of your genitals. Play around the clitoris, using a finger on each side to rub up and down. Circle around the clitoris, or gently rub the hood over the clitoris. Take plenty of time in order to find out what feels delicious, and to immerse yourself in your own pleasure.

 Men: Try different strokes and ways of touching yourself. Use your hand to hold your penis with your thumb facing up or down. Use one hand or two to cradle your genitals. Use your hand to make a ring around your penis. Roll your penis between your hands, or use rhythmic, stroking movements up and down its length. Cradle your scrotum, and rub or gently squeeze. Rub the fleshy mound behind your scrotum, which is the external prostate spot. As you get aroused by stroking your genitals, you may like to explore the perineum (the area between the scrotum and anus) and the anus, as this area becomes more pleasurable when engorged with blood.

 As you get really aroused, encourage a sensation of fine sexual energy to stream upwards from your genitals, warming your body.

 Bring the self-pleasuring to a close by bringing one hand to rest over your pubic mound, and the other between your breasts, at your heart. Let sexual pleasure fill your heart.

 Afterwards, relax in a luxurious warm bath.

STEP TWO Get connected: finding intimacy

Connection is a fundamental need. The drive for connection is the reason why we are all in relationship with others. Couples who are more connected feel happier in their relationship and their lives in general. They communicate well, and demonstrate how much they care about each other’s priorities in life.

A sense of connection is fundamental to Tantric sex. It covers many levels: emotional, sexual, loving, sharing a sense of vision and acknowledging your deep bond as soul mates. Tantra encompasses all these aspects of a relationship, and its practice encourages you to unify your two individual selves into a single ‘body’ of energy. This body is composed of love.

When you have awakened your own energy you can direct it toward another in love. In the same way that you care for yourself, you can take care of your lover. Rather than relate to one another on the basis of your personalities, learn to see your lover as an energy-body with whom you bond at heart level. Personality traits act as surface distraction, which get in the way of love energy. When we become irritated with our beloved’s traits, this creates additional blocks to intimacy. You can use your energy to create a bridge between the two of you, which will keep you clear of the obstacles that risk causing your relationship to founder.

Feeling connected helps you stay close to one another so that you no longer feel separate or alone. In experiencing togetherness, your true self emerges; you can enjoy your natural state of connectedness with others. When you care for yourself by meeting your inherent need to share, you heal your loneliness. You can express empathy for others and know how they feel.