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Praise for Terri Reed and her novels

“In Love Comes Home, Terri Reed tells the touching story of a couple whose faith must help them overcome past hurts.”

—Romantic Times BOOKreviews

“Terri Reed’s A Sheltering Love beautifully combines the development of love with enough conflict to keep the reader guessing about the outcome. God’s ability to repair relationships is tenderly depicted.”

—Romantic Times BOOKreviews

“Reed’s characters are warm, true to life and imperfect.”

—Romantic Times BOOKreviews on A Time of Hope

“Giving Thanks for Baby has a nice twist that readers are certain to enjoy. Terri Reed does an exceptional job blending deeper issues with her story to bind a well-written book.”

—Romantic Times BOOKreviews

Love Comes Home & A Sheltering Love
Terri Reed

CONTENTS

LOVE COMES HOME

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Epilogue

A SHELTERING LOVE

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Epilogue

TERRI REED

At an early age Terri Reed discovered the wonderful world of fiction and declared she would one day write a book. Now she is fulfilling that dream and enjoys writing for Steeple Hill. Her second book, A Sheltering Love, was a 2006 RITA® Award finalist and a 2005 National Reader’s Choice Award finalist. Her book Strictly Confidential, book five of the Faith at the Crossroads continuity series, took third place in the 2007 American Christian Fiction Writers Book of the Year Award. She is an active member of both Romance Writers of America and American Christian Fiction Writers. She resides in the Pacific Northwest with her college-sweetheart husband, two wonderful children and an array of critters. When not writing, she enjoys spending time with her family and friends, gardening and playing with her dogs.

You can write to Terri at P.O. Box 19555, Portland, OR 97280, visit her on the Web at www.loveinspiredauthors.com or leave comments on her blog at http://ladiesofsuspense.blogspot.com/.

Love Comes Home

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.

—Jeremiah 29:11

I want to dedicate this book

to everyone who has struggled to pursue a dream.

Keep believing. Faith and perseverance do pay off.

There are so many people to thank, who,

in one way or another, have touched my life

as a writer. I apologize if I’ve forgotten anyone

and ask for your forgiveness.

First and foremost, thank you to my husband and

children. I could never have done this without your

love and support. Thank you to my mother-in-law

for urging me to follow my dream. Thank you to

my mother for always believing in me.

A big thanks to my critique partners, Leah Vale and

Lissa Manley, for encouraging me, challenging me

to grow and never letting me quit.

Thank you to my writerly friends:

Melissa McClone, Delilah Ahrendt,

Tina Bilton-Smith, Amy Danicic, Carolyn Zane,

Susan Alverson, Cynthia Rutledge

and Lenora Worth. I have learned

and grown from knowing you.

And a heartfelt thanks to my spirit-filled sisters

who’ve been my cheering section as well as my

friends: Tricia, Sherry B., Sheri S., Deanna, Debbie

and all the ladies at Southlake Foursquare Church.

But mostly, I thank my Savior Jesus,

for all the blessings.

Chapter One

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for welfare and not calamity, to give you a future and a hope.”

—Jeremiah 29:11

She was home.

Inhaling deeply the fresh scent of pine and exhaust-free air, Dr. Rachel Maguire stared at the seven-story redbrick building, the words Sonora Community Hospital spelled out in bright blue letters across the side. A strange tightness pulled at her chest. As a child, this had been the first hospital she’d ever entered.

Her gaze dropped to another set of letters above the door in front of her. Her breath froze. The emergency entrance.

She shied away from using the double sliding doors, and instead followed the tidy walkway, carpeted on either side by lush green lawns, leading to the main entrance. The early-June sun warmed her face, and from high in the branches of a towering pine an unseen bird chirped a melodic tune. Off in the distance to the east, the peaks of the Sierra Nevadas rose to meet the clear blue sky. Even to her untrained eye, the vibrant greens and hues of brown and gold dotting the hillside were a painter’s dream.

She paused, alert to the eerie peacefulness and serenity around her. With no outside noise to blend with, the unsettled, restless feelings she constantly lived with clamored for attention. She closed her eyes and willed the chaos to subside. She missed the pulsing beat of Chicago.

But not returning to California hadn’t been an option.

Mom G. needed her.

Rachel took a deep breath, adjusted her grip on her small suitcase and walked through the sliding doors of the main hospital entrance. Even inside the hospital, tranquillity reigned. People waiting in the lobby area spoke in lowered tones and soothing, classical music played from somewhere overhead. She stepped briskly up to the administration desk.

“I’m looking for Mrs. Olivia Green’s room.”

The woman behind the desk smiled. “Hello, Rachel.”

“Hello.” She struggled to put a name to the round, wide-eyed face.

“Polly Anderson, now Campbell. You were a year ahead of me in school.”

“Oh.” Rachel didn’t remember her, but smiled politely. “Hello, Polly.”

“Your mom is on the fifth floor, room six. She’ll be glad to see you. Welcome home.”

Rachel blinked, surprised that anyone here would remember her after all this time and that there would be such open friendliness. Her fast-paced world had little time for niceties.

“Thank you, Polly,” she said, and hurried to catch the elevator.

The doors opened on the fifth floor. Emotionally steeling herself, she stepped out. With a purposeful stride, she headed down the corridor. Overhead, the fluorescent lights glowed bright. A distinctive, familiar antiseptic smell assaulted her senses and settled in the back of her throat, offering her a measure of comfort.

Strange, she’d never before noticed how the quiet hum and soft beeping of machines coupled with the rumble of hushed voices lent the air a surreal quality. She’d spent so many years working in hospitals that her senses had grown accustomed to the surroundings. She couldn’t remember ever noticing the atmosphere of her work. It was all part of being a doctor.

Only, this wasn’t her hospital and she wasn’t here as a doctor. She was a visitor. A chill ran down her spine. Someone she loved lay in one of these rooms. Even though she’d reviewed Mom G.’s chart and knew her prognosis, the older woman’s condition didn’t seem real. Rachel didn’t want it to be real.

She stopped. Her breathing turned shallow. A long-suppressed memory surfaced, and her mind reeled. Memories of walking down a similar corridor. She’d been six years old, her hand held firmly in the grasp of Nurse Claire, the woman who’d taken charge of her after they’d arrived at the hospital.

“Is my mommy all right?”

The woman’s kind gaze regarded her steadily. “I don’t know, honey.”

Not much comfort there. There’d been no daddy to run to, either. After her mother had died, no man had come forward claiming her as his daughter. No one had wanted her.

Until years later, when her foster mother, Olivia Green, legally adopted her. But she’d insisted that Rachel keep her last name in honor of her mother.

Mom G. gave Rachel not only a place to belong but reason to hope. The generous woman’s loving nature had stirred up Rachel’s pain of losing her mother. And Rachel had finally given in to the tears she’d held so long. In her gentle wisdom, Mom G. had suggested Rachel channel her grief into making a difference in the world.

God had handed her a purpose in that moment. She would become a doctor so she could improve and change the triage techniques used in emergency rooms, procedures that had cost her mother her life. That was Rachel’s life goal, her focus, never to be forgotten nor sidetracked from.

She squared her shoulders and continued walking.

Standing outside of room 6, she whispered, “Lord, I need Your strength.”

When she pushed open the door, the fragrant scent of gardenias greeted her and she smiled, pleased to know the flowers she’d ordered had arrived. She wanted Mom G. to be surrounded by the things she loved.

Rachel stepped inside the cheery private room, her gaze taking in the woman she loved so dearly. She’d seen thousands of patients hooked up to IVs, heart rate and blood pressure monitors, and machines that helped the body function, but seeing the once-vibrant and beautiful Olivia Green hooked up accordingly made Rachel’s knees wobbly. She quelled the uncharacteristic sensation by sheer will. She wouldn’t give in to any weakness.

Remember your purpose.

But she hated seeing Mom G. so still and quiet. Rachel’s gaze swung to the monitors. Heart rate, steady. Blood pressure, within a reasonable range.

Then her mind focused on the complete picture. A man sat beside the bed holding one of Mom G.’s hands. His bent head caused his tawny hair to fall forward over his brow. Dark blond lashes rested against bronze skin. His mouth moved with silent words.

Rachel swallowed. Agitated butterflies performed a riotous dance in the pit of her stomach. She blinked several times, hoping the man would disappear.

Josh Taylor. What was he doing here?

As though he’d heard her question, he opened his eyes and lifted his head. Their gazes locked. A smoldering blaze ignited and heat shimmered between them. Rachel drew in a cooling breath. She wouldn’t allow this man to burn her again.

He slowly stood, his towering frame dwarfing the room.

Emotions churned and bubbled like a whirlpool inside her. They moved like running water through her consciousness so quickly she couldn’t grasp one long enough to use as a defense against his presence. Her pulse leapt with unexpected pleasure, her heart ached with the sting of rejection and her cheeks flamed with sudden anger. She wasn’t ready for this—for seeing Josh, feeling emotions she’d long ago buried. She hated being vulnerable and unsure.

So she did what had become natural—she cloaked herself in professionalism. She was a doctor. She’d come to help Mom G., not stir the embers of a past love.

She inclined her head. “Josh.”

He followed suit. “Rachel.” His deep voice brushed over her, making her shiver with surprising awareness.

Uncomfortable with her response, she set her suitcase by the door and went to the bed, focusing her attention on Mom G. Her color looked good. Rachel picked up a hand. Veins showed through the near-translucent skin. Warm. Her hands were still warm. So many times Mom G.’s gentle hands had wiped a tear, clapped at an accomplishment, held hers when she needed comfort.

“I’m surprised to see you here, Rachel.” Josh’s softly spoken words broke the silence.

She lifted her gaze to his intense, gold-specked eyes and cocked her head to one side. “Why?”

“I never thought you’d come back.”

His comment stung. “She needs me.”

Josh nodded, his expression closed. “She does.” He shrugged. “Still, I didn’t really think you’d come.”

Hurt burrowed in deep. Her spine straightened. “I guess that says a lot about what you think of me.”

“You have no idea what I think of you.”

The look in his vibrant gaze caught her off guard. If she didn’t know better, she’d swear that beneath the disdain, she saw longing. But that couldn’t be. Not after what had happened. He’d made his feelings clear years ago. With a mental tug she pulled her protective cloak tighter around her heart.

She pursed her lips. “You’re right, Josh. I have no idea what you think of me. And I’d just as soon keep it that way.”

“So would I.” His expression hardened. “So would I.”

What he thought of her didn’t matter. Not in the least. What they’d had once was long over.

Ignoring his overwhelming presence and the commotion going on inside her, she picked up the chart hanging behind the bed and studied the notes. She clenched her teeth as she read. Mom G.’s condition had worsened in the last twenty-four hours. They’d prescribed Mannitol, a drug meant to prevent herniation of the brain stem, an extreme complication of a glioblastoma multiforme.

Josh shifted, drawing her attention. “What’s that say?”

She quickly looked away, avoiding his intent gaze, and replaced the chart. “What have they told you about her condition?”

Josh let out a weary breath. “She has a brain tumor with a long, fancy name. They operated but couldn’t remove the full mass because of the risk of complications. Dr. Kessler said she’s deteriorating rapidly and time’s short.”

Rachel didn’t want to hear those words, wouldn’t allow her mind to register such dire news. A flush of anger ran through her. Dr. Kessler shouldn’t have said that to Josh. The doctor shouldn’t have ruled out hope.

“Yes, well.” She glanced down at Mom G. Fear stabbed at her, making her edgy. “We’ll see about that.”

She wasn’t about to give up. They’d barely started the chemotherapy, and other treatment options had yet to be explored. She’d find a way to help Mom G. She had to.

“She’ll be happy to see you when she wakes up.”

“How long has she been asleep?”

“She was sleeping when I arrived. And that was about thirty minutes before you. Why?”

Rachel kept the little burst of panic in check. Just because Mom G. lay sleeping didn’t mean anything other than she was tired. The rational side of Rachel’s brain warned that when the type of tumor Mom G. developed became severe enough, sleepiness eventually led to coma, then death. Rachel’s emotional side that deeply loved her adoptive mother refused to acknowledge the information. “We should wake her.”

“You should ask the doctor.”

She bristled. “I am a doctor.”

“But not her doctor,” he gently reminded.

She couldn’t refute that, though she was licensed to practice in the state of California as well as several other states. Her teaching schedule required traveling and being hands-on in other E.R.s around the country. But out of respect for Mom G.’s doctor, she said, “I’ll go find Dr. Kessler.”

Josh stepped around the bed and placed a hand on her arm. “You stay. I’ll go find him.”

Moved by his thoughtfulness, Rachel stared at his big, tanned hand where it rested against the lightweight blue fabric of her suit coat. Through the thin material, his warmth seeped into her skin. The touch evoked memories of younger days. Days when they’d been happy and in love, walking the school halls, side by side, Josh’s arm casually draped about her shoulders or their fingers intertwined.

Days long gone.

“All right.” Anything to create distance between them.

Josh moved past her. His long legs carried him with confidence. As the door swung shut behind him, the room suddenly seemed lonely and cold even though the warmth of the sun streamed through the window. She rubbed her arm where his touch lingered and went to the chair where he’d sat. Mom G. still slept. Rachel gathered one of the older woman’s hands in her own and with the other hand smoothed back a faded blond curl. “Oh, Mom G., I’m so sorry this is happening to you. But I’m here now. I’ll take care of you.”

Oh, God. Please show me how to help her.

Unlike the doctors who couldn’t save her mother, Rachel would do anything for Mom G. Even if that meant dealing with Josh, who was the last person she needed in her life. She had no intention of allowing the pain of the past to repeat itself.

“Sure thing, Josh.” Dr. Kessler set the chart in his hand down on the counter of the nurses’ station. “I’ll speak with her right now.”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Josh liked the man and Mrs. G. trusted him.

Dr. Kessler stuck a pen into the breast pocket of his white coat. “Are you coming?”

“No. I’m going to get some coffee.” He wasn’t ready to see Rachel again just yet. Being near her, able to touch her, hear her voice after all these years had brought back so many memories of when they were teens. It was too much to deal with in such a short time.

As Dr. Kessler disappeared into the elevator, Josh headed for the hospital chapel. He slipped into a pew. The quiet serenity of the room eased some of the turmoil within.

Almost twelve years. Twelve years since she’d walked out of his life, choosing her career, her dream of being a doctor, over their love—his love.

I love you, Josh, but I can’t stay. I have to do this.

As he ran a hand through his thick hair, jagged pain engulfed him. Pain as fresh now as it had been then. As it had been when he was fourteen and his mother’s words to his father mirrored Rachel’s.

Sharon Taylor had decided being a mother and wife wasn’t fulfilling enough. She’d left to pursue a career in the art world and never came back. She’d tried to contact Josh, had wanted to see him, but at fourteen, he’d been too hurt, too angry to welcome her overtures. He’d hardened his heart to her and refused to listen when his father tried to talk to him about her. Josh could never accept his father’s claim that he’d loved her enough to let her go. After a time she’d stopped trying. And Josh tried to forget her.

It seemed the Taylor men were under a curse. Destined to love women who had no use for marriage, commitment or family.

Josh prayed fervently that when the time came, his son would find love with a woman committed to her family. A woman passionate about marriage and motherhood.

A woman nothing like Rachel Maguire.

He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead.

He’d forced his feelings for Rachel aside and moved on with his life. He’d married and had a son whom he loved beyond anything he thought possible.

Josh opened his eyes and glanced at his watch. School would let out soon. He hoped Griff remembered Grandpa was picking him up today. If he took the bus home, no one would be there. Thankfully Mrs. G’s surgery and subsequent critical condition hadn’t happened a week later since summer vacation would start on Monday.

Until her sickness, Mrs. G. had watched Griff after school. But when Mrs. G. had gone into the hospital, Josh had made it a point to be home from work when his son got there. But today, with Mrs. G.’s condition so critical, he needed to be at the hospital.

And now Rachel was here, too.

So much the same, yet so different. The once-pretty teen had grown into a beautiful woman. Her shoulder-length ebony hair framed her face and made the most of her startling blue eyes. He drew in a deep breath and could have sworn her scent clung to his clothes. She still smelled of a flowered meadow on a summer’s day. Fresh, alive and invigorating.

That’s what had first alerted him to her presence in the hospital room. The familiar and alluring scent of Rachel.

Contrary to what he’d said, he’d known she would return. He just hadn’t realized how hard seeing her again would be. All the agony of having loved and lost, which he’d hidden away, was simmering and working its way through his heart. He didn’t like it one bit.

He didn’t need to remind himself that he wasn’t enough, that his love wasn’t enough. The knowledge was branded across his soul.

Yet this Rachel was different. As a teen she’d been warm and lively, full of laughter. Now she was so calmly cool and in control. She was like an exquisitely designed ice sculpture. Each angle and curve perfectly cut, the sleek and smooth surface beckoning to be touched. Yet to the one who dared, the scar of freezer burn would be their reward. This Rachel wasn’t the woman he’d fallen in love with all those years ago. He took comfort in that. Finally something that didn’t remind him of the past.

Staring up at the window, he watched sunlight splinter through the various colors of the beautiful stained-glass cross. He wanted to pray for himself, wanted to lay his troubles at the feet of Jesus. But he couldn’t. Oh, he could pray for others—Mrs. G., Griff, his dad. Even strangers. But not himself.

Anger lay between him and Jesus like a desolate wasteland. No way around it, no way across it.

Abruptly he stood and walked away, leaving behind the chapel and the peace that God could offer.

He wound his way through the hospital to the cafeteria where he ordered two cups of coffee to go. Not knowing how Rachel took hers, he stuck packets of sugar and cream in his pocket. As the elevator doors opened and he stepped into the hall, he saw Rachel and Dr. Kessler talking outside Mrs. G.’s door.

Josh walked forward, sympathy stirring as he watched Rachel pace, her arms wrapping and unwrapping about her middle. Her normally creamy complexion had gone pasty white and the small splattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose stood out in stark contrast. The agitation so obvious in her posture belied her coldness, and Josh fought the urge to enfold her in his arms. He approached, stopping a few paces away.

“You can’t rule out NDGA. There’ve been tremendous results with the use of chaparral tea in persons with cancerous tumors.”

“I’m not denying that, Dr. Maguire. But I don’t believe it will help Olivia.”

Rachel stopped her pacing and glared at Dr. Kessler. “But it could help. We have to at least try.”

“The best we can do for Olivia is make her comfortable.”

“The best we can do is make her better.”

“She’s entered the last stages. Even the chemo’s questionable at this point.”

Sharp, ugly pain gripped Rachel’s insides. It was her mother’s plight all over again. Everything they knew to do was being done, but they held little hope. Helplessness clawed its way to the surface. She wanted to cry, to find a dark place and curl into a tiny ball to escape this nightmare. She gritted her teeth and fought for composure. Mom G. needed her to be strong and she would be strong, because the alternative was breaking down in hysterics and that was unacceptable. There had to be hope. “But you’ll continue with the chemo?”

“For now.”

“Then the tea could make her more comfortable.”

A sad, patronizing smile touched Dr. Kessler’s lips. Rachel wanted to scream. The man didn’t get it. They couldn’t just give up on Mom G.

“All right, Dr. Maguire. I’ll see what we can do about getting some chaparral tea.”

The small victory did nothing to dispel the ache in Rachel’s heart. Deep down, she knew he was agreeing for her sake, not Mom G.’s. But she didn’t care if it meant Mom G. had a chance to live a little longer.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me. I’ll go check on Olivia.” Dr. Kessler retreated into Mom G.’s room.

Rachel stared at the closed door, feeling as though her universe had been knocked off-kilter. She should be the one checking on the patient, the one in control. But here, in this hospital, she was a loved one, not a doctor.

“Rachel.”

She braced herself and turned to find Josh’s expressive hazel eyes regarding her with compassion. Her arms dropped to her sides and she resisted clenching her fists. She wouldn’t let him see how scared and uncertain she felt. She didn’t need his pity.

And his comfort would ultimately only harm her.

He held out a steaming cup of coffee and she relaxed slightly.

His square, blunt fingers engulfed the disposable cup and thin white scars stood out against his tanned skin. As she took the drink she noticed her own hand, the skin pale and smooth from years of being scrubbed and encased in rubber gloves. How different their lives had become.

The brush of his fingers scorched her skin. A splash of coffee wouldn’t have been as hot. Or as painful. She steadied herself. “Thank you. That was very thoughtful.”

Just as she feared, his presence was comforting. Like a solid oak tree in a windstorm. Able to sway and bend but never break.

“You’re welcome.” He stuck his hand into the pocket of his casual khaki slacks and pulled out packets of sugar and cream. “I didn’t know…”

“Black,” she said, moved by his concern.

Josh returned the items to his pocket.

Rachel took a fortifying swig from the cup and savored the robust flavor, until the hot liquid hit her empty stomach with an acidic thud. She grimaced. She’d forgotten to eat again.

“That bad, huh?” Josh asked, his expression softening as he gave a small laugh.

She sucked in a quick breath and could only stare. This man standing before her may be the boy she’d loved in high school but he’d matured into an appealing man she didn’t know. A man who made her want to believe a dancing hot flame could heal as well as harm.

And she had no intention of playing with fire, no matter how fascinating the blaze.

The moment stretched to an almost unbearable ache, then abruptly Josh asked, “So, what’s chaparral tea?”

Rachel blinked, but took her cue and slipped easily into her professional demeanor. “The tea leaves come from the creosote bush, which is found in the southwestern states. The healing properties of the tea have been used by Native Americans for centuries.”

“And the ND…?”

“NDGA—nordihydroguaiaretic. It’s the proponent in the plant that seems to help in reducing cancerous mass.”

“You think this tea will help Mrs. G.?”

Her poise slipped a notch as she stared down at her coffee. She wanted to believe it would help, but the doctor in her knew the chances at this point were slim to none, just as Dr. Kessler had said. But she refused to give up and reject anything that might help. She hated this feeling of helplessness.

She shrugged. “At this point, it’s hard to know what will help and what won’t.”

“That’s a typical doctor answer,” he said with the slightest trace of teasing in his tone.

She glanced up. “Pretty vague, huh?”

The corners of his generous mouth tipped upward and he sipped from his coffee.

“Habit, I suppose. As a doctor, you try not to give false hope or bad news before you’re absolutely sure.”

“Rules of the trade,” he remarked dryly.

“I suppose.”

They lapsed into silence again. Rachel drank from her cup and watched Josh. She tried to view him objectively. Adulthood had etched lines around his eyes, and the outdoors had weathered his skin to a burnished sheen. His broad shoulders looked as though they could carry heavy burdens. Sometimes she wished she had someone to share her load with, but her life didn’t have room for sharing.

“So, Rachel—” Josh broke the silence “—I hear you recently got a promotion.”

She met his gaze, expecting to be assaulted by the disdain she’d seen earlier, but his expression was curiously friendly, as if he’d just asked if she liked rainbows and sunshine instead of probing at an old wound. A wound inflicted by the choice she’d had to make.

Josh had offered her a different path, one so inviting that she’d begun to doubt God’s plan for her life. But, no matter how tempting, it would have been selfish of her to choose Josh over what she knew to be her purpose. No matter how much it hurt.

Chapter Two

“Yes. Yes, I did,” Rachel replied, proud that her voice didn’t betray her feelings.

“Good for you.”

Uncomfortable with the thought that he’d discussed her with Mom G., she wondered what else he knew about her. He certainly didn’t know what was between her and God. No one knew how emotionally crippled she was because of the way her mother had died. If anyone found out then she would be perceived as weak. And if she were viewed as weak then she wouldn’t be able to achieve her goal of making sure her mother hadn’t died in vain. No one would take her seriously. “I’ve worked extremely hard to get where I am.”

“The fast track to success,” he stated, his voice devoid of inflection and his eyes now remote.

She narrowed her gaze. “I’m on the fast track. This recent promotion will be one of many. But it’s not about success. It’s about changing the way things are done so no one else needlessly dies. My ultimate goal is to be chief of staff in a prestigious hospital where I can further the research in new and innovative triage techniques.”

“That’s certainly ambitious.”

“That’s the only way things get done.”

He shrugged. “Is being a doctor everything you thought it would be?”

Irritation flared at his casually asked question. She’d had to make a tough choice all those years ago. He’d forced her to make the choice. It was all or nothing with him. “Yes, I love being a doctor.”

He nodded, but made no comment. He shouldn’t be so calm and collected, not when her world was spinning out of her control. She wanted to shake a few leaves off his tree.

“It’s who I am.” She couldn’t help the defensiveness in her voice.

A tawny brow arched. “Must be very fulfilling.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Anger stirred in his eyes. “Nothing.” A leaf fell.

Something inside Rachel made her want to pick a fight. Anything to distract herself from what lay ahead with Mom G. “You obviously meant something by that remark, Josh. If you’ve something to say to me, then say it.”

“You’ve changed,” he stated matter-of-factly, his gaze assessing.

She almost smiled. Almost. The woman she’d become was very different from the young girl who’d left. “What? I’m not mousy like you remember?”

“You were never mousy.”

She chose to ignore the compliment in his tone. “My job’s very satisfying. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing.” The tension visible in his jaw claimed he was far from the ambivalence suggested in his tone. “But it doesn’t leave much room for anything else, does it?”

“I’ve never wanted anything else.” She narrowed her gaze. “Why are you still so angry?”

“I’m not angry.” His denial rang false. Leaves fell all over the place.

“Yes, you are.” She put voice to the suspicion she’d always had. “You’re angry not because I became a doctor, but because you didn’t get what you wanted.”

He looked her square in the eye, his expression derisive and taut. “You’re right, Rachel. I didn’t get what I wanted. I wanted you.”

“You didn’t want me,” she scoffed. “You wanted a wife.”

“I wanted you to be my wife.”

“No, Josh. You wanted a cookie-cutter wife. Someone you could put in a box and mold to your specifications. And it didn’t take you six months after I left to find one, did it?” Her own anger and pain reared up, making her chest ache. “That only proves how deep your undying love went, doesn’t it?”

He drew back. Hurt—desolate and unmistakable—darkened his hazel eyes. “I did love you, Rachel.”

He sounded sincere. But then, he’d always sounded sincere. “Oh, save it, Josh. I’m not buying it this time.”

“What did you expect? You left and made it very clear you weren’t coming back.” The sarcasm in his tone dug at her heart.

“But I hadn’t given up hope that we’d work things out once I finished school.” Hurt-filled tears burned behind her eyes, making her more angry that she was losing her control. Shaking her head, she admitted, “I lay in my dorm room every night and agonized over my decision. Was being a doctor worth the risk of losing you?” She gave a bitter laugh. “But I never really had you.”

Josh opened his mouth, but no words came. His perplexed expression galvanized her into adding, “You never once checked on me. No phone call. No letters. Nothing.”

He shook his head. “I was hurt and angry, Rachel. You chose your dream of being a doctor over my love. I certainly didn’t think you wanted to hear from me.” His tone seethed with anger and resignation.

“No, you were too busy planning your wedding.” Thinking about the blonde who’d been after him all through high school made her insides twist with…jealousy? No, never. “And how’s dear Andrea?”

A spasm of pain, or perhaps guilt, crossed his features. “Andrea’s dead.” He stepped around her and walked toward the elevators.

Shock doused her anger like a swollen rain cloud emptying itself. “Oh, no.” Sympathy and regret tore through her, and she hurried after him. “Wait. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

He jabbed his finger on the elevator call button. “Not your problem.”

She reached out, wishing she could retract her words. Josh reared away as if she were contaminated. Stung, she let her hand drop to her side. Feeling small and petty, she said softly, “I’m truly sorry.”

The elevator doors opened and he stepped in. He turned and stared at her, his eyes cold with fury and his face a hard mask of stone. An oak tree never looked so intimidating.

“Josh, please,” she implored, wanting somehow to make amends.

He looked away and the elevator doors slid shut in her face, leaving her alone.

Should she go after him?

Rachel took a deep, shuddering breath. Her unruly tongue had caused enough damage for one day. Leaving Josh alone and staying as far away from him as possible while she was in town was the best thing she could do for him…and herself.

Andrea was dead.

Compassion filled her heart to overwhelming proportions. She ached for what Josh had lost. His wife, his helpmate, his dream.

How long ago had Andrea died? How did she die? Did they have children? Goose bumps of remorse tightened Rachel’s skin.

Years ago, she’d made it clear to Mom G. the subject of Josh and his bride was off-limits. She hadn’t wanted her assumptions of his picture-perfect life confirmed. How arrogant she’d been.

The resentment she’d used to close off the pain of Josh’s marriage deteriorated, exposing her to fresh wounds.

Slowly she walked back down the hall, rubbing away the goose bumps from her arm.

How had Josh taken the news of Andrea’s death? Had he been with her at the end? Or had he been at work and received a call? How had the doctor told him? With compassion? Coldness? Understanding? Detachment?

The questions plagued her mind. And she welcomed them as she stopped in front of Mom G.’s door. As painful as it was, thinking about Josh kept her from worrying about Mom G.

Rachel leaned against the wall and closed her eyes.

Lord, why does life have to hurt so badly?

She hoped, when all was said and done, she’d have enough mortar left in her to repair the crumbling wall around her heart.

“Dr. Maguire?”

Rachel’s eyelids jerked open. She pushed away from the wall. “Dr. Kessler?”

He smiled kindly, his big gray eyes peering at her through his glasses. “Olivia’s asking for you.”

Relief surged in her chest. “How—how is she?”

“Holding her own for the moment.”

Relief gave way to a dull ache at the words meant to give comfort but not false hope. She nodded her thanks and stepped into the room. Her footsteps faltered slightly as she approached the bed.

A nurse hovered over Mom G. For a panicked moment Rachel feared something was wrong, that she wouldn’t have a chance to tell Mom G. how much she loved her, how much she appreciated her.

The nurse straightened and moved away, a reassuring smile on her face. Rachel resumed walking, her heart rate slowing to normal. As she reached the bedside, Mom G.’s eyes opened and she smiled. “I’m so happy to see you.”

Rachel winced at how weak and breathless her mother sounded. Taking her hand, Rachel held on tight. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.” She wanted to say she should have been called right away but she didn’t want to lay guilt on Mom G. It would serve no purpose.

“You’re here, now. There’s so much to say before—”

“Don’t even go there,” Rachel interjected. “We’re going to make you well. I’m going to make you well.”

Mom G. shook her head. “I’m dying, dear. We must accept that.”

“Nooo!” Tears clogged her throat. She didn’t like constantly being on the verge of tears. Even when she’d bounced from foster home to foster home, she’d never been this scared or so close to the breaking point. She wanted to draw into herself as she’d done as a child. But she couldn’t. Mom G. needed her. And she needed Mom G.

“Rachel, please, don’t cry. Let’s use this time as best we can.”

Rachel wiped at the tears unceremoniously slipping down her cheeks. She nodded. There was so much to say. “I love you. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I wouldn’t be who I am today if you hadn’t taken me in.”

Mom G. squeezed her hand. “I hadn’t ever planned on having kids, but when I was asked if I’d take on one child…I prayed and God urged me to say yes. I remember the first time I saw you. So skinny and scared. And you tried so hard not to show it. Now look at you. You’re a grown woman and a wonderful doctor. Just like you’d planned. Are you happy, Rachel?”

Taken off guard by the question—surely Mom G. knew how much medicine meant to her—Rachel nodded. “Of course.”

Mom G.’s eyes narrowed. “Really? For a long time I’ve had the sense that something’s missing from your life. You’ve never talked about a man, or friends, even. Your phone conversations are always about your work. Work can’t be the only thing in your life, Rachel.”

“It’s not. I…” But try as she may, she couldn’t come up with an example. She worked six, sometimes seven days a week. Her apartment was small and cozy, but not a place she’d feel comfortable inviting anyone to visit. When she wasn’t working she went to movies by herself or rented videos. She attended a Bible study through her church, but outside of class, she didn’t socialize with any of the other participants.

When she wasn’t knee-deep in research, sometimes she’d go to the library and read the latest medical journals and texts. Occasionally she’d dated. There’d been a fellow med student in school and a real nice guy from church a while ago, but over the years she hadn’t met anyone she particularly wanted to pursue a relationship with. Besides, she didn’t have time for men. Her life was the way she wanted it. No attachments. No hassles. No pain.

“Have you seen Josh?” Mom G. asked.

“Yes.” Remembering their meeting made her skin heat with embarrassment. She’d acted very badly, nothing like how she’d expected to act. Calm and cool, showing him that he couldn’t affect her, which was how she’d dreamed their reunion would be. “He was here when I arrived.”

Mom G.’s expression became wistful. “It seems like only yesterday I was watching you go off to the prom with him. You two made such a handsome couple.”

A shiver of vivid recollection raced through Rachel. Her beautiful dress, Josh’s tux. The excitement, the anguish. “I haven’t thought about that night in years.”

“The king and the queen of the ball,” Mom G. teased lightly.

Rachel laughed, remembering the almost giddy feeling she’d had when they’d placed the gold crown on her head. “It was a perfect evening.” At first.

“That was the night Josh proposed.”

Rachel slid her gaze away from the intense look in Mom G.’s eyes. Her mind burned with the unwanted memories of that night. Josh had looked so handsome wearing that crown. They’d been dancing when he’d pulled her out onto the balcony and asked her to be his wife.

She’d been torn between her love for him and the path God had chosen for her. At the time she naively thought she could have both. She’d asked Josh for time, for him to be patient. Had expected they’d find a way to work it out that she could become a doctor and his wife.

But when it came down to accepting his proposal and his condition of staying in Sonora or the full scholarship to Northwestern, she’d chosen medicine because her soul would die if she didn’t.

At that moment she’d known that God’s plan for her didn’t include the kind of love she’d have only with Josh.

“That was a long time ago and has no bearing on my life now.”

Sadness filled Mom G. eyes. “I’ve respected your wish not to talk about him. But, dear, we need to have this talk.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you both.”

Rachel drew in a deep breath. She’d learned long ago it was better to meet a challenge head on rather than flee from it. “All right, if that’s what you wish.” She didn’t want to have this conversation while standing. She sat down. “I know about Andrea.”

Mom G.’s eyes widened. “Then you’ve talked with Josh.”

“A little.”

Mom G. shook her head; her wispy blond hair stuck to the pillow. “Such a waste.”

“How—how did she…?” Rachel wanted to know, yet she knew sometimes there was protection in ignorance.

Mom G. pursed her lips. “An awful, awful car accident.”

Rachel winced in sympathy. She shuddered slightly and suppressed the image of the last car accident victim she hadn’t been able to save. “It must have been hard on Josh.”

“Oh, honey, it was in so many ways.” Mom G. stared into space for a heartbeat then turned to Rachel. “Do you have someone in your life?”

She blinked. “Uh…you mean a man?”

“Are you involved in a relationship?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so. Good.” Mom G. seemed to relax.

Rachel narrowed her eyes. “What do you mean ‘good’?”

Mom G. gripped Rachel’s hand tight. “Is your hope still in Jesus?”

Rachel gently patted the frail hand encased within her own. “Yes, my hope’s in Jesus. He’s my strength. You showed me that—you and Josh.”

Mom G. nodded. “God loves you.”

“I know. He’s blessed me greatly. He brought me to you. Without Him and you in my life I’d…be lost. I’m doing what He wants with my life.”

Mom G.’s brows drew together. “But He wants so much more for you.”

More? She’d tried to have more once and she’d ended up with nothing but pain. Loving was a risk she was no longer willing to take. She shook her head. “I have everything I need. There couldn’t possibly be more.”

“What about love? Aren’t you lonely?”

Mom G.’s words struck a cord within Rachel. She tugged at her bottom lip, loath to admit that there had been times over the years she’d watched couples, families, and felt an ache she couldn’t explain. Was it loneliness?

Maybe.

But loneliness was a small price to pay to fulfill God’s plan and to protect her heart.

“My life’s very full. I might not have as many friends as I could…” Rachel frowned at the direction of her thoughts. Friends couldn’t help in her quest to change emergency room procedures. “I just don’t have time for relationships.”

“Don’t grow old alone. Believe me, it’s not fun.”

Guilt reached up and slapped Rachel. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

Mom G. touched Rachel’s cheek. “No, honey, you had to do what you needed to do. I regret that I never remarried after Frank died. I don’t want you to make the same mistake.”

Rachel nuzzled into the touch. She hadn’t known Mr. Green. He’d been gone long before she’d come to live with Mom G. His picture graced the nightstand in Mom G.’s bedroom. “I’ll be fine, I promise,” Rachel assured her.

“Don’t you think you’d be better with Josh in your life?”

Rachel schooled her features. She didn’t want Mom G. to know how upsetting she found the subject of Josh. She didn’t want her to know she still hurt deep inside her heart, in a far corner she pretended didn’t exist.

“Don’t avoid this Rachel.”

Rachel met Mom G.’s gaze straight on. “There’s nothing to avoid. Josh isn’t a part of my life and he’s not going to be.”

Tears gathered at the corners of Mom G.’s eyes. “He needs you.”

Mom G.’s sadness tore at Rachel. She wouldn’t be able to make Mom G. happy. Not if her happiness involved Josh. “This is upsetting you.”

“He needs you,” Mom G. insisted.

Slowly Rachel shook her head. “He’s never needed me.”

“But he does. Rachel, he’s always loved you and you still love him.”

A double-edged sword of hurt and anger sliced through her. Her heart raced and her blood pounded in her ears. Josh didn’t love her. She doubted he ever had.

As for her loving him…She closed her eyes briefly and hardened her heart. Been there, done that. Not doing it again. Emotions would not control her actions. Her goal in life was to make sure her mother hadn’t died in vain, not to resurrect her relationship with Josh.

She opened her eyes and took a calming breath, regaining her composure. “It’s not a matter of love. Josh had an idea of what he wanted in a wife and I wasn’t it. He wanted someone I couldn’t be.”

“But that was then.”

Rachel lifted one shoulder. “Nothing has changed. I’m still who I am.”

“But they need you.”

They? Rachel figured she must mean Josh and his father, Rod.

Mom G. dropped her gaze and sighed, but not before Rachel saw the disappointment in her eyes. She wouldn’t say anything to encourage Mom G. She and Josh were history. And nothing could change that.

“Tell me about your new position.”

Rachel nodded, thankful for a subject she’d have no trouble discussing, a subject that didn’t make her suffer deep in her soul.

Because no matter how she looked at it, the subject of Josh would only bring her heartache.

The late-afternoon sun began to make its descent behind the mountain range, the fading light casting long shadows across the yard and backlighting Josh’s Victorian house. Coming home at the end of the day always gave him a sense of satisfaction and peace. He’d worked long and hard refurbishing the broken-down Victorian, preserving as much of the original woodwork as possible. The overgrown land and swamp of a built-in pool had required hours of grueling labor to bring out the potential he’d known lay underneath. He’d created a stable sanctuary for his son and managed to ignore the vague feeling of incompleteness that plagued him at night.

Josh eased open the large solid-oak front door far enough to squeeze through. He didn’t want a squeak of the hinge to herald his arrival. He wasn’t ready to see his family, whom he could hear in the kitchen. He needed time, time to sort out the struggle going on inside of him.

He took the hardwood stairs slowly, placing each foot carefully in the spots where they wouldn’t creak. In his room he closed the door and sat on the bed. With his elbows on his knees, he dropped his head into his hands.

All the way home he’d kept the thoughts at bay, forcing his mind into a blank numbness. But now they wouldn’t be held back. Had Rachel really not known about Andrea? She’d seemed genuinely surprised, and remorseful. His heart told him she hadn’t known, which only confirmed his belief that once she’d left town she’d never looked back.

Just like his mother.

Andrea. Sweet Andrea. Guilt engulfed him. He groaned, a deep, gut-wrenching sound that echoed in the quiet of his room.

Lord, it’s too much to bear. Please take my guilt.

The plea went up as it had a hundred times before, but Josh snatched his plea back before he could feel any relief. He didn’t deserve God’s attention and mentally flogged himself with the pain of his guilt.

He hadn’t loved Andrea enough. Not the way she’d needed to be loved. He’d tried to be a good husband. He’d encouraged her, supported her, provided for her. He’d given her everything he could but not the one thing she’d wanted—all of his heart.

Josh scrubbed at his face, trying to wipe away the sting of his self-loathing.

It was his fault Andrea was dead.

Because he couldn’t erase Rachel from his heart.

Rachel. Was she right that he’d only wanted a wife, any wife? Had he been that arrogant and selfish? He’d tried to love Andrea with the same intensity he’d loved Rachel, but it had never happened.

Should he have pursued Rachel after she left? According to her, yes. But would his pursuit have changed anything? Would she have come back to the mountains to be his wife?

No, she wouldn’t have.

And he couldn’t have lived in the city playing second fiddle to her career.

Josh stood and paced, the leather soles of his shoes leaving indents in the dark green carpet. In the back of his mind a thought crept up, making him pause. Had he held his heart from Andrea because he was afraid to love her too deeply?

He clenched his jaw. It didn’t matter now.

What he’d had to give hadn’t been enough for Andrea. He’d lost her, just as he’d lost Rachel and his mother. Because he was not enough. And he was never going to make the mistake of trying to love again.

Now Rachel was back. He had every intention of not seeing her again before she left. He would have to plan his visits to Mrs. G. for when Rachel wouldn’t be around.

Because this time he wouldn’t be left behind with a broken heart.

Silvery light filtered into the hospital room, filling in the shadows created by the bedside lamp.

“In the emergency room we…” Rachel paused as she noticed Mom G. fighting to keep her eyes open. “Here, now. I’ve talked enough. You should rest.”

Mom G. smiled slightly. “Your life sounds very interesting, dear.”

“It can be.” Satisfaction in her career grew through the research she’d done and the triage techniques she’d implemented so far. But so much more could be done to improve the quality of patient care, and every day she spent in the emergency room was a new adventure.

She liked delivering babies the best. Liked the amazing miracle of life. God’s wondrous process for continuing humanity. Sometimes she’d thought about switching gears and going into obstetrics or pediatrics, but she didn’t want the emotional attachments those specialties would bring. In the E.R., patients came, they left. Her heart wasn’t at risk and her mind stayed focused on her goal.

“Rachel, would you read to me for a bit?”

“Of course. What…?”

Mom G. pointed to the small bedside table. “My Bible’s in the drawer.”

She pulled out the black Bible, the same Bible that Mom G. had read to her from years ago. The worn black leather grew warm beneath her hands. “I remember this Bible.” She glanced at Mom G. For a moment it appeared Mom G. had fallen asleep. Then she opened her eyes and smiled. Rachel looked questioningly at her.

Mom G. sighed. “I think the Psalms would be soothing.”

Rachel opened the book and the once-familiar scent of Mom G.’s soft, powdery perfume wafted from the yellowed pages. A pang of nostalgia tugged at her heartstrings.

“Rachel?”

She paused and glanced up. “Yes?

“Would you do something for me?”

“Anything.”

Mom G. gazed at her intently. “Would you call Josh?”

Rachel drew back. She didn’t want to talk with Josh. “Call him?”

“I want to talk to you both.”

“I’m sure he’ll come tomorrow.” Rachel would make sure she took the opportunity to speak with Dr. Kessler in his office while Josh visited so they wouldn’t have to see each other.

Mom G. nodded. “Yes, but I want to make sure. I want to see you both together.”

She lifted her brows. “Together?” Inside, she cringed. She’d come to town for Mom G., not to spend time with Josh.

“Please,” Mom G. implored.

Rachel couldn’t deny her the request. If Mom G. wanted to see them together then they’d be here together. Even if seeing Josh was painful, Rachel would do it, for Mom G. “I’ll call him.” So much for keeping her distance.

Mom G. relaxed. “Thank you.”

Her chest hurt with love for Mom G. She leaned over and kissed her cheek. “You’re welcome.”

She sat back and stared at the open Bible in her lap. She didn’t like the quiver of anticipation racing along her limbs at the thought of seeing Josh again. It was a purely physical reaction. Just because she found him attractive meant nothing.

She read King David’s Psalms. Lord, speak to me. I need Your guidance. After all, she was who she was and the past was the past. There was only now, for Mom G. But Rachel didn’t feel comforted by that thought.

A familiar sense of hurt filled her, reminding her of the pain loving Josh had caused. She would keep her focus on her path in life and fortify the fortress around her heart. She refused to allow him back in because once there he would make her want something she wasn’t able to have—a life with him.