Kitabı oku: «Where I Found You», sayfa 2
2
‘Do you mind if my daughter strokes him?’ a woman asked as Maggie sat waiting to be called in for her scan.
‘You’d better ask my wife that question,’ James answered. His tone was pleasant enough but there was an edge to it that only Maggie could detect. It wasn’t unusual for strangers to direct their questions to a companion rather than Maggie herself and, where she had learnt patience and perseverance, James struggled to curb his frustrations. She had to remind him occasionally that he had been equally ignorant not that long ago and, with few exceptions, such interest was borne of good intent.
‘Yes, I’m sure he’d love the attention,’ Maggie answered. ‘And thank you for asking first. You wouldn’t believe the kind of havoc it can cause when someone rushes up and starts distracting him while he’s guiding me.’
Maggie introduced Harvey to the little girl who was two years old and in complete awe of him, as was her mum. Maggie pre-empted many of the questions she knew would follow but she didn’t mind singing Harvey’s praises, he deserved it. She couldn’t help smiling to herself as she told the woman how disciplined her guide dog was and how he kept to a strict diet, all the time knowing that Harvey was salivating over the cookie the toddler had offered to share but he had known better than to accept. But then she had been tempted herself to take the little girl up on her offer; she had been too nervous that morning to eat and her stomach was growling.
It wasn’t long before the conversation moved on to more maternal matters and for a little while Maggie chatted away like any other expectant mum. She could almost forget her fears, which had been compounded the moment she had entered the hospital. Its corridors of power were part of the system that would judge her fitness to be a mother – or so she imagined.
‘Maggie, are you ready?’
‘Mel, what are you doing here?’
‘I’m on ward duty upstairs and it’s unbelievably quiet. Then I thought to myself, I’m sure Maggie’s scan is today, so here I am. Hello, James,’ she added, leaning in for a peck on the cheek.
‘Good to see you, Mel, and what a coincidence that you were free,’ James said, a little too brightly.
Maggie heard the lie but chose not to recognise it as such. She was too busy feeling relieved and very grateful to the midwife – and no doubt James – for arranging the additional support that Maggie would never openly ask for. When she stood up, her knees trembled and she held on tightly to James’s hand as she waited for Harvey to extricate himself from the chubby arms of his new friend. The little girl’s howls could still be heard long after he had led his mistress into the examination room.
Mel introduced them to the sonographer, who was a young, officious-sounding young man called Joel, while James helped Maggie onto the examination bed. With some discreet adjustment of her top and leggings, she exposed enough of her abdomen for the man to do his job. At fourteen weeks, her stomach was still relatively flat and she could almost convince herself that she wasn’t pregnant.
‘I’m going to apply some gel first, it might be a bit cold,’ Joel said and he was right. Maggie jumped when he squirted it on her stomach.
‘It might have been better if you had placed a finger on her stomach first and then said exactly when you were going to apply the gel,’ Mel hissed at him.
‘Sorry,’ he said and there was a nervous cough before he continued to explain what would happen next. With a little more thought this time, he encouraged Maggie to feel the transducer he would be using for the scan. It was about the size of an electric razor and similar in shape. The room fell silent as he began moving it across her abdomen in firm, sweeping strokes. His probing became concentrated on a small area only inches above her groin, directly over her bladder, which was uncomfortably full. She had been drinking water in the waiting room as instructed and would be heading for the ladies as soon as they were finished. ‘I’m going to take some measurements now,’ Joel said.
‘Then I’ll be the one to explain what we can see,’ Mel whispered, loud enough for the sonographer to pick up her irritation. ‘It’s a grainy black and white image, lots of indistinguishable blobs really but we can see a steady heart beating. Right now Joel has frozen the image on a particular frame so he can take some measurements. There’s a very faint outline of baby’s face, a really clear white line which is his spine and I can even make out his arms and legs.’
‘He?’ asked James.
‘I call all my babies he,’ explained Mel. ‘It’s a bit too early to work out baby’s sex but if you want our friend here to earn his money, we could have a go.’
‘I don’t want to know yet,’ Maggie said. She was still struggling with the idea that there was a living being growing inside her. ‘Do you, James?’
‘No, me neither.’
‘Did you find out with the boys?’ Maggie asked.
The boys were James’s two sons from his first marriage. Liam was nine and Sam seven. Fatherhood hadn’t been easy first time around for her husband. The divorce had been amicable enough but the strain of his ex-wife moving to Portsmouth after she remarried had pushed him to his limits. The five-hundred-mile round trip to see his children or bring them up north for visits was hard going on all of them but thankfully, it was still worth James’s efforts as far Liam and Sam were concerned.
‘With Sam we did,’ James said. ‘But that was only to find out if we could reuse Liam’s baby clothes or needed to start saving up for dresses.’
‘OK, everything looks fine,’ the sonographer announced bringing them back to the present. ‘You were given a due date of 24 October and that matches my measurements so everything is going to plan.’
‘I suppose there’s no going back now,’ Maggie said, hoping that no one noticed the serious tone that had crept into what should have been a light quip.
‘And now that we know everything is as it should be,’ Mel added, ‘I’ve brought my Doppler with me to listen for baby’s heartbeat. It might be too early to pick up yet but I can give it a try if you want me to.’
Maggie was obliged to say yes but when Mel placed it on her abdomen and radio static filled the room, she fought the urge to push it away. Hearing the description of an image on screen was one thing but this was something else entirely. Maggie’s heartbeat quickened and the Doppler picked up her anxiety for all to hear but then there was another beat. It was only faint, much faster and impossible to ignore. Maggie steeled herself for the crushing wave of panic she expected but instead, indescribable warmth flooded her chest and took her breath away. The trembling smile was on her lips even before she realised that this was how motherhood was meant to feel and she prayed for the strength to hold onto that feeling.
As they left the hospital, Maggie and James didn’t say a word. Maggie held Harvey’s harness in one hand and James’s hand in the other. Her ears were straining for the faintest echo of the tiny heartbeat that had swept away weeks of fear and self-doubt. She wanted to laugh. Instead she began to cry.
Her tears slipped silently down her face and it was only as they reached the car that James noticed. ‘Are you all right?’
There was no alarm in his voice; in fact Maggie could detect a smile. Harvey was a little more difficult to reassure and whined nervously as he settled into the caged compartment at the back of the car. Maggie rubbed behind his ears. ‘It’s OK, Harvey. Mummy’s … happy.’
James cupped his hands around her face and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. ‘Are you?’
‘Yes,’ she replied. ‘Of course.’
‘It’s just what you said in there, about there being “no going back”. I got the feeling you weren’t so sure. In fact, I’ve been wondering that for a while. You’re not the closed book you like to think you are.’
Maggie took one of his hands and kissed it gently. The sense of euphoria was still running through her veins and it made her brave enough to confess some if not all of her hidden fears. ‘It’s more a matter of not feeling ready, that’s all. There are so many new things to learn,’ she said. ‘But when I heard that heartbeat, I felt such a rush of love and it took me by surprise. So yes, honestly, I am happy.’
As James wrapped her in his arms, Maggie buried her head into his broad shoulders. His six-foot frame towered over Maggie’s slender figure and even though he was thickset, it was more muscle than flab thanks to an active working life. He was a builder by trade, a gentle giant who would protect her and keep her safe but he had a vulnerable side too and it was this that had attracted her to him more than anything.
Maggie’s first impressions of James hadn’t come from his appearance but the timbre of his voice and he had sounded lost. His ex-wife had just broken the news about moving down south and he had been suffering from stress-related eczema. It was Kathy, the owner of the beauty salon where Maggie worked and a good friend of James’s mum, who had suggested he try aromatherapy. Kathy’s poorly disguised matchmaking had cured James’s ailments far more effectively than the myrrh and sandalwood Maggie had massaged into his hands.
She raised her head towards her husband. ‘And are you happy?’ It was the first time she had acknowledged that James’s reaction to the pregnancy had been as muted as her own.
‘Yes.’
‘Really?’ Maggie asked, not getting the confirmation she needed.
‘I love you, Maggie, and marrying you and having this baby is the answer to all my prayers, but if I’m being really honest, the prospect of becoming a dad again is scaring me. I don’t want to get it wrong this time.’
‘You didn’t get it wrong last time. You’re a good dad,’ Maggie countered.
‘And you are going to be a fantastic mother. I know you’re missing your mum right now but I’m sure Joan is still around watching over you.’
Maggie recalled the empty seat next to her on the park bench and the sensation of her hand cutting through fresh air. ‘Maybe,’ she said.
‘So now your mum knows, don’t you think it’s about time we tell the rest of our parents?’ James asked as he helped her into the car. It wasn’t necessary but she knew he would be just as attentive of his pregnant wife even if she had perfect vision.
‘I don’t suppose we can put it off forever.’
James didn’t answer. He closed the passenger door and walked around to his side of the car giving them both time to collect their thoughts. Maggie had already told him the night before about her encounter with Lorna, although she had been economical with the details, mentioning only that the news was out. James would have phoned his parents there and then if Judith and Ken hadn’t been away visiting their grandchildren in Portsmouth. He wanted to be the one to tell Liam and Sam and to reassure them that the baby wasn’t going to alter his relationship with them. He hadn’t needed to explain why it wasn’t a good idea to attempt that while Judith was around to offer her own opinions.
James slipped behind the steering wheel and as he straightened his jacket, she heard the rustle of paper. The baby scan photo was burning a hole in his pocket. ‘This is good news we’re sharing,’ he reminded her.
‘I know and I’d like to hold on to that thought for as long as I can but let’s be realistic, James. Some people will find it difficult to accept that a blind person could ever be a fit and proper parent.’
‘Telling Mum and Dad won’t be as bad as you think,’ he said, acknowledging who it was they were talking about.
‘Do you really believe that?’
The pause that followed confirmed that he accepted that it wouldn’t be easy. His parents had struggled from the very beginning to comprehend why their son would take on such a burden as Maggie and despite concerted effort on the part of the newlyweds, she was still a relative stranger to her in-laws.
Maggie and James had been dating for almost a year before he had plucked up the courage to introduce her to his family. Liam and Sam had been staying with James over the summer holidays and he had organised a family barbeque so they could all get to know each other. The boys were curious about Maggie and amazed at her ability to carry out simple day-to-day tasks that they tried to imitate with their eyes closed. Their initial questions were blunt but openly innocent and Maggie had been more amused than offended. Judith’s questioning, by comparison, had been more akin to a cross-examination.
‘OK, we both know Mum has her own ideas about what’s best for her family but maybe when she hears about the baby, she’ll finally …’
James didn’t dare finish the sentence so Maggie finished it for him. ‘Accept me?’
‘She’s a good mum, Maggie. Overprotective of me, yes, but that’s only because she doesn’t want to see me hurt again. Maybe it would help if we spent more time with them.’
‘They seem to be able to find their way to Portsmouth far easier than the fifteen-mile trip from Nantwich. Your mum doesn’t like me, James. She doesn’t think I’m looking after you properly, she doesn’t think I can,’ Maggie said. She knew James was about to contradict her so she quickly added, ‘Take her reaction to finding out you make a packed lunch every morning. I was trying to explain how it’s to stop you pigging out on fast food but she was too busy being horrified that it was you making the lunch and not me.’ Maggie shook her head as if to free herself from a web of negative thoughts. ‘Even if I had perfect vision, I still wouldn’t live up to her expectations. No matter how hard I try, I’m never going to be good enough because I’m not Carolyn.’
‘I know, you’re nothing like my ex-wife and I thank God for that,’ James said with undisguised relief. ‘And for the record, I’m more than happy to make my own lunch, thank you very much. You’d only make me eat even more healthily.’ He paused hopefully for a smile that wouldn’t come. ‘Look, they’ll be coming home soon. How about we invite them over for dinner on Saturday?’
Maggie let her body sag and as the car engine roared into life it drowned out the sound of the tiny heartbeat that had echoed across her mind. ‘With any luck they’ll turn you down as usual.’
James chose to ignore her petulance. ‘Maggie, it’s going to be fine.’
‘OK, invite them – but only on the condition that I can invite Jenny along too. She’s been looking for an excuse to leave Mark holding the baby for a change and besides, I’ll need reinforcements.’
‘I don’t want you worrying about this. It doesn’t matter what other people think. What matters is us, the three of us.’
‘And the boys,’ she reminded him as if he needed it.
‘And our beautiful boys,’ he agreed. ‘At least I can guarantee you that they’ll be absolutely thrilled.’
Maggie closed her eyes. She wasn’t used to feeling sorry for herself but as she leant back against the headrest she swallowed back the bitter taste of bile. She didn’t want to come between James and his mum because she knew how much his family meant to him, but she couldn’t imagine how announcing they were having a baby would bring them any closer. As the second wife, Maggie was always going to be second best in Judith’s eyes and becoming a mother would only give her mother-in-law a new means of comparison with her predecessor. Maggie suspected that Lorna’s reaction would pale into insignificance compared to Judith’s – who would refuse to see beyond Maggie’s disability and her limitations. And on some matters, Maggie’s instincts were never wrong.
3
Maggie flexed her fingers absent-mindedly. It was Saturday morning and she was taking a moment out of what was going to be a busy day. She had everything she needed for dinner that evening but was trying not to think about it. Her heavy shopping bag lay abandoned at the side of the bench while Maggie filled her mind with the sounds of the park, which was busier than it had been for weeks. The weather was glorious and Maggie lifted her face to the violet sky to soak up the sun’s lemon rays and bring subtle light to the grey shadows that played across her vision.
Harvey was steadily lapping up water from his bowl, the soothing sound temporarily drowned out by the chatter of children rushing along the path towards the lake. Next she heard the heavy, rhythmic footsteps of a jogger. The runner took a deep breath before calling out hello to her. He didn’t pause for her reply but continued up the slope, his laboured breathing intensifying with the effort.
Harvey stopped drinking and gently nudged her hand in search of treats. It was a futile attempt and he knew it. To commit to this regime required willpower from both of them but there were occasional lapses and Harvey was hopeful. ‘How about some carrot sticks when we get home?’ she offered as consolation.
The dog gave a sharp snort of disapproval and then, reading her body language perfectly, settled at her feet. Maggie kept one hand on his leash and let the other trace the familiar contours of the bench and the empty place next to her, which continued to play on her mind.
She braved a smile as she listened to the children’s excited calls of encouragement to the ducks and placid quacks were soon replaced by a frenzy of flapping wings and splashing water. To ward off unwelcome thoughts that might drag her down beneath the surface of the lake, Maggie immersed herself in memories of the past. She remembered flinging pieces of bread high into the air as her mum gave a running commentary on the action being played out on the lake, remembered the buzz of excitement listening to the ducks fighting over the remnants of the picnic she and her mum had just shared sitting on their favourite bench.
But the memory was bittersweet, a reminder of all that she had had and all that she had lost. Maggie had always come across as confident and self-assured, but it was her mum who had instilled that sense of self-belief and without her guiding presence Maggie was losing her way. Of all the challenges she had faced in her life, having a baby would be the greatest test of all and one she couldn’t get wrong. It wasn’t only her life she was responsible for now.
Frightened by the future, Maggie retreated further into the past and disconnected from the world around her. There were so many memories to dip into … The park was where her mum had taught her how to explore the world through touch and smell and Maggie recalled the scents from those lost seasons one by one.
The sun dipped behind a cloud and a cool breeze swirled around her, carrying with it the distinctive smell of lilac perfume. It was vaguely familiar but Maggie resisted being pulled back to the present, stretching out her hand across the bench in a desperate attempt to hold on to the tenuous connection to her mum but her fingers touched the heavy material of a woollen coat giving Maggie a start and snapping her out of her reverie.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you,’ the woman next to her said.
Elsa couldn’t resist the chance to sit in the sunshine and chase away the chill that had crept into her bones. She wasn’t going to be put off by the children’s raucous laughter or the woman and her dog, who seemed to be claiming the park bench as their own. It was her bench too.
She had offered a friendly smile as she approached but the woman, whose eyes were hidden behind dark glasses, seemed to be in a world of her own so Elsa sat down next to her without a word. She breathed in the scent of the lilacs that came from the soap at Mrs Jackson’s house. Elsa wasn’t particularly keen on it but she didn’t want to offend Aunt Flo, as she insisted on being called. The old lady had taken her under her wing and seemed to genuinely care for her new charge.
But despite Aunt Flo’s fussing, Elsa was feeling more lost and alone than ever and it was as these feelings plagued her that the stranger sitting next to her had reached out her hand. They had both jumped in fright.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you,’ Elsa offered.
The woman, who looked only a little older than Elsa, gave her an apologetic smile. ‘No, I’m sorry. I was miles away.’
‘It’s a lovely spot here, don’t you think? A good place to sit back and …’ she said but then couldn’t think how to explain it.
‘Let the world go by?’
‘Take the weight off your feet,’ Elsa added. She was watching the way the woman had placed her hand protectively over her stomach. Elsa groaned as she stretched and let her own bump protrude, hoping the woman might take the hint, but she simply smiled.
‘I’m Maggie, by the way. I don’t think we’ve met before, have we?’
‘I haven’t been in Sedgefield long. My name’s Elsa.’ Her voice sounded hoarse so she cleared her throat before adding, ‘And who’s this cutie?’
Harvey padded towards Elsa’s outstretched arm as Maggie said, ‘This is my sidekick, Harvey.’
The dog shook himself as his new friend tickled his back. ‘I like your fancy jacket, Harvey.’
‘Harvey’s my guide dog. I’m visually impaired,’ Maggie explained.
Elsa gasped in awe. ‘You’re blind?’
Maggie gave a soft laugh. ‘Yes and I’d be lost without him. Literally.’
‘I’ve heard about dogs being trained to help soldiers who’ve lost their sight but I’ve never seen one before.’
‘Really?’
‘Well, I don’t think so,’ Elsa said suddenly doubting herself. ‘I’m from Liverpool so I suppose there must be a few there.’
‘Have you moved here for good or are you just passing through?’
Elsa flinched at the idea of returning home, though she knew she would one day. ‘I’m not staying forever,’ she said and began to rub her stomach in perfect synchronicity with her new friend. ‘I’m pregnant too, by the way.’
A look of confusion flashed across the woman’s face and her hand stilled.
‘You are pregnant, aren’t you?’ Elsa asked, horrified that she might have got it wrong.
Maggie’s reply faltered as she said, ‘Yes, yes I am. I suppose now you’re wondering how on earth a blind woman can have a baby.’ The comment was light-hearted but there was something in her voice that was more of a challenge.
‘Why not? You don’t need eyes to find your way to a man’s heart,’ Elsa whispered mischievously.
Maggie laughed. ‘No, I don’t suppose you do. And I’m sorry if I sounded a bit defensive. I really should stop assuming people will immediately judge me.’
Elsa glanced at the wedding band on her finger. ‘I’m the last person to judge anyone,’ she said, her words catching in her throat.
‘Is something wrong?’
Elsa didn’t dare answer.
‘It’s all a bit frightening, don’t you think?’ Maggie said to fill the lengthening silence.
Elsa looked out over the glassy surface of the lake. ‘Too frightening, sometimes,’ she agreed.
‘Want to talk about it?’
Elsa shook her head vigorously. The story of how she was recently widowed was a well-rehearsed one but she couldn’t bear to tell one more person how the love of her life had been taken from her: it would break her heart. ‘I’m supposed to tell you that my husband died and I’m staying with Aunt Flo until I’ve had the baby.’
‘But …’
‘I can’t say.’ Elsa put her hand to her mouth to hold back the confession that was ready to tumble over her lips.
‘My mum always said there was something special about this bench,’ Maggie said, after another lengthy pause. ‘Now you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but me and this old bench are good listeners and neither of us will tell a soul.’
‘I’ve wanted to tell someone for so long,’ Elsa said. ‘You promise you won’t tell?’
‘I promise.’
She let her hand drop to her side and her fingers followed the gentle curve of the wooden slats beneath her as she steadied herself. ‘Aunt Flo isn’t my aunt, she’s not even a distant relative and there is no husband, dead or otherwise. The only grain of truth in the story is that I am pregnant, five months by my reckoning.’
‘These things happen, but it’s not exactly unheard of. If you don’t mind me asking, Elsa, how old are you?’
‘Twenty-two.’
A frown creased Maggie’s brow. ‘That’s still very young,’ she said hesitantly. ‘Don’t you have any family to support you?’
‘Oh, my parents would kill me if they found out. Dad kept telling me if I didn’t curb my wild streak, it’d end in tears, and Mum made it clear that if I got in trouble she would rather see me on the street than bring shame on us all. It would destroy them if they found out. Only my sister Celia knows.’
‘So what will you do when the baby’s born? Surely your parents will come around once they see their new grandchild.’
Elsa would have laughed if the hope that was being dangled in front of her wasn’t so impossibly beyond her reach. ‘They won’t,’ she said stoically. ‘And there’s no way I can manage on my own so I’ll go back to Liverpool and the baby will go to a respectable family.’
‘Is that what you want?’
Elsa pulled her coat around her tightly as she imagined her newborn baby being wrenched from her arms. ‘What I want is Freddie. I want him to ride into Sedgefield on his motorbike and rescue us both,’ Elsa said. ‘But that’s a silly dream, isn’t it? Freddie doesn’t even know I’m here. Or why.’
‘You won’t tell him?’
‘He’s an American serviceman. We met at a dance while he was stationed at the Burtonwood airbase.’
‘Burtonwood? I thought that site had closed down years ago?’
‘No, I know some people who are still there, just not my Freddie. He broke my heart.’
‘You fell in love,’ Maggie said simply.
‘A man in a uniform, how could I resist? When I found out he was being posted to Germany, it felt like someone had ripped out my heart. But we made the most of those last few weeks together – and that’s how I ended up like this. If I’d known then what kind of trouble I was in, I wouldn’t have been so eager to break things off when he left. I thought I was being all grown up about it. I didn’t want to wait around for the rest of my life while he would eventually go back to America and forget about me.’
As Elsa spoke, she continued to stroke Harvey. He had stayed close and whined once or twice, offering his own note of sympathy as Elsa revealed her heartbreak.
‘So why don’t you contact him now and let him know?’
‘Because I wanted him to come back for me and not because he found out I was pregnant. And in my heart that’s what I thought he would do, even on that last night together when we said our goodbyes.’ Elsa took a breath and held it. She could feel the tears stinging her eyes but she refused to let them fall. She kept her gaze on the lake. ‘I’m a silly, romantic fool.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with a bit of romance.’
‘Oh, but there is! This is my punishment. I should have listened to my mum. I don’t deserve Freddie and I certainly don’t deserve to keep this baby.’
‘I may not know you very well, Elsa, but I don’t believe you deserve to have your baby taken from you, not if it’s something you don’t want to happen and I get the feeling you don’t.’
‘Some days I just want to jump in that bloody lake and let it swallow me up and then no one will ever take my baby from me. But what kind of mother would even think such a thing?’
‘A desperate one,’ Maggie said, her voice choked with emotion.
The young woman sitting on the bench next to Maggie had fallen deathly silent, in fact Maggie wasn’t even sure she was still there. Perhaps she had vanished into the ether, leaving as silently as she had arrived. Maggie’s blood ran cold at the thought and she strained her ears for the slightest sound that would reassure her of the woman’s earthly presence but she could hear nothing above the hammering of her own heart.
Maggie depended on her instincts and they were telling her something was wrong. Elsa’s appearance had been accompanied by so many conflicting messages. There was something about her voice that didn’t quite ring true and the dated perfume belonged to a different era, as did some of the things she had said. And yet despite all of this Maggie felt an immediate connection to Elsa, perhaps because they were both terrified of becoming mothers, albeit for very different reasons. Nothing added up and yet everything made sense because Elsa needed a friend and Maggie needed to help someone. More than anything, Maggie wanted to prove she wasn’t as hopeless as she would have herself believe.
‘I don’t want to let her go. I can’t.’
The voice came from nowhere and gave Maggie a start. ‘Elsa? Are you OK?’
‘I don’t think I’ll be able to live with the pain of losing my baby,’ she replied, her voice wet with tears. ‘I won’t survive it.’
As Elsa shifted uneasily, Maggie placed her palm flat against the wooden slats of the bench and was grateful for the gentle vibration that confirmed Elsa’s presence had substance. But then Maggie felt that sense of connection again, a connection that travelled through the painted layers of the bench, peeling back time itself … Realising how irrational she was being, Maggie put these thoughts to one side and let her heart reach out to Elsa. ‘Then fight for your baby. Swallow your pride and tell Freddie. At least then you’ll know that you’ve done all you can. Can you still contact him? Could you phone or send him an email?’
‘A what?’
‘Could you write to him?’ she asked, refusing to acknowledge why Elsa might not know what an email was.
‘I could ask someone at Burtonwood to pass on a letter for me, I suppose,’ Elsa said. There was a spark of hope in her voice now, although she was quick to dampen it. ‘But even if he did turn up, I don’t think I’d fit on his bike any more. And I can’t help thinking he’s vanished out of my life just like the swans have disappeared from the lake.’
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