Cover Page
Excerpt
About the Author
Title Page
Epigraph
Dedication
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Dear Reader
Copyright
Until now.
For the first time Kate admitted to herself that she could love again. And—oh, dear God, help me—this was the man. She wanted to touch Ian, heal all his hurts.
He looked up at her, his beautiful hazel eyes troubled. “You’re a good friend, Kate.”
A good friend. She made herself say it. “Well, friends help friends, Ian. And you know how fond I am of young Raymond.”
“You’ve been a godsend to my boy. I could never repay you for what you do for him.”
“I understand,” Kate said gravely. But, her heart whispered, I don’t want you to pay me. I want you to love me. Love me to distraction. The way I love you…
Virginia Myers has been writing since childhood. As an adult she has published ten novels, contemporary and historical, for the general market. She has now written three novels for the inspirational market.
Active in the writing community, Virginia developed a course in popular novel writing, which she has taught in several Washington colleges. She has lectured, taught writing workshops and served for two years on the board of trustees of the Pacific Northwest Writers Conference.
She lives in Longview, Washington, where she is active in her community and a faithful worker in her church.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be
called the children of God.
—Matthew 5:9
In memory of my aunt, Lillian Harrison Hardesty,
a woman of peace
Kate Graham glanced out the window at the weather. Seattle was having a fierce February for the second year in a row. She draped a scarf over her light brown hair, which was pulled back in a ponytail secured by a rubber band. As she tied the scarf beneath her chin, she wished—again—that she was pretty. She could be a lot better looking if she worked at it, the way she had when Claude was alive. But now…
Half a dozen of her sister Jill’s well-meant comments on the subject flew through her mind. Of course, Jill was beautiful. She snatched up her umbrella, picked up the windbreaker jacket she had found in Raymond’s closet and rushed out the door to meet the middle-school bus. She had wasted too much time looking out the window at Ian’s house next door, and planning what she would have for dinner. Ian always came over for dinner when he got home from a business trip.
It was ridiculous. Her daydreaming about Ian McAllister. She was a respectable widow with two children of her own. Maybe she should talk about it to Pastor Ledbetter. He had so much good sense and was always so willing to help. He had been a tower of strength for her when Claude had died. She had needed all the help she could get then. Dad, Mom and her younger sister, Jill. Then Jill’s husband, Greg Rhys, a CPA, had sorted out all the insurance so that she had the steady small income that paid her little family’s bills, if she was very careful.
She wondered again if she had taken on Ian McAllister’s son, Raymond, to bolster the family budget or because she was sorry for the lonely child of a broken marriage. Or was part of the reason that it kept her in regular contact with Ian? She had certainly never regretted the arrangement. Raymond was such a changeling of a child, bright, sensitive, responsive, with Ian’s blond good looks and hazel eyes, and so in need of love. He was twelve, but a very young twelve. She had always felt a wave of protectiveness toward him, from the first time he’d appeared in her kitchen.
She stopped halfway up the block, in front of the second-from-the-end brick house, as Raymond had instructed. He was afraid of some of the bigger boys at school, who often harassed him when they got off the bus at their corner, but he was, after all, twelve and it was unthinkable that he should be met at the bus.
“I’m in middle school!” he had said, his voice rising in panic. “Nobody’s mom meets the middle-school bus!” Her heart had ached. He had started calling her Mom the way her own children did. He was such a waif, with no real mother and his father away on business half the time. He was trying so hard to grow up and also trying to hold on to the childhood he had never really had during his parents’ turbulent marriage.
They had settled on her standing half a block down, so if the bigger boys started hassling him, she could start walking toward the corner. At the sight of an adult, even a short one, approaching, the tough kids would skulk off and leave him alone.
She stopped at the designated place. The bus was late today. She needn’t have hurried. The rain was light and intermittent, but the wind swept it this way and that up under the umbrella. Kate shivered. Raymond had worn only a sweater this morning, so he would probably be cold.
The great yellow lumbering vehicle appeared down at the far end of the street. Hurry. This was a hot-chocolate day for sure. Her own two children, Tommy, eight, and Joy, six, were already home and were alone in the house. She had left firm instructions not to turn on the burner under the pan of milk until she and Raymond got there. They were pretty good kids, and she was reasonably sure they would wait.
The bus stopped at the corner, its air brakes letting out a whooshing sound. The kids, in their hideous collections of many-layered clothing, began to get off the bus. Something was different today—they didn’t loiter at the stop. Some of the bigger boys got off and fairly ran from the area. She waited for Raymond to get off, straining to see. The driver was an older woman who took a real interest in her charges. Kate watched now as the driver got out of her seat and went toward the back of the bus. The bus was still about half-full of kids, who seemed unusually subdued.
Something was wrong.
Kate took a chance of embarrassing Raymond and hurried the half block to the bus. Surely Raymond hadn’t missed it. No. As she came up to the open bus door, she saw the driver coming back up the aisle, her arm around Raymond’s shoulders.
“See. They all went. And here’s your mom. It’s okay,” the driver was saying.
Kate’s heart was suddenly pounding. “Raymond! What happened!” She could hardly recognize him. His face was swollen and bruised, badly scraped on one side. Blood was smeared over his sweater and T-shirt. He was limping.
“Oh…Raymond.” She held out suddenly shaking hands as he got off the bus. He shrugged away from the driver’s protecting arm, looking sick and miserable.
“I’m so sorry, ma’am,” the driver said. “I told him he should see the school nurse, but he said he didn’t know where she was, and he couldn’t miss the bus. I wanted to go find her myself, but I’m not allowed to leave the bus when there are kids on it.”
“But what happened?” Kate gasped.
“Nuthin’. It’s okay. I wanna go home,” Raymond said.
“It’s those tough kids, ma’am,” the driver said. “They can be so mean. It’s because he’s skinny and he won’t fight back. If he’d just fight back a little, I tell him. It’s awful to tell peaceable kids to fight back, but how else can they cope?” Her kindly eyes filmed over with tears.
“I wanna go home,” Raymond muttered, twisting the strap of his backpack with a thin hand.
“Thank you,” Kate managed to say to the bus driver. “Come on,” she added to Raymond. “We’ll go and see to that swelling.” Both his eyes were almost shut.
“Here,” Kate said. “Put this on.” She draped the windbreaker around his shoulders. What will Ian say? A wave of belated fury rushed through her. “Who did this to you?” The bus roared away and a shudder went through the boy. He looked after the bus with sheer hatred showing through his slitted eyes.
“I’m not going back!” he said through his teeth.
“Who did this to you? Tell me what happened!”
“Okay, but at home. Let’s go home.” He was watching the bus disappear out of sight around the corner.
“All right.” She put her arm around him, trying to shelter him with the umbrella from the dashing rain, but he pulled away and started a half run back toward the house. He was limping. She hurried to follow him and they reached the door together, which Tommy held open. The wind and rain blew Tommy’s light brown hair. He was her own small image, whereas Joy had inherited Claude’s dark hair and bright blue eyes.
“What took you so long?” Tommy demanded. “We waited and waited…” He fell silent when he saw Raymond’s face.
“Keep quiet!” Raymond commanded. “Do you want the whole neighborhood to hear?” He darted into the house and Kate followed, pausing only to partly close her umbrella and shake out excess water onto the porch. Inside, she dropped it into the umbrella stand.
“Settle down, you two. Raymond will tell us about it when he’s ready to. Go in the kitchen and wait. We’ll make the cocoa after I see to Raymond. Raymond, you come with me into the bathroom. I’ve got to look at that scrape.”
“I’m okay,” Raymond muttered, but followed her into the bathroom, as did the other two children, ignoring her command to wait in the kitchen.
“No, you’re not okay. Now, I’ve got to get you fixed up. I mean it.” The “I mean it” was the no-nonsense code phrase that usually got results.
Raymond submitted, somewhat sullenly, while the other children watched. The bathroom was crowded, but Kate managed to wash the caked blood from Raymond’s face and observe the extent of the damage. She did the best she could with water and disinfectant. In a few hours, when the bruising surfaced, he was going to be a sight. She wished that Ian wasn’t coming back to Seattle tonight. When she had done the best she could, they went into the kitchen.
“Raymond, I need to know what happened. Your dad is coming in tonight. What am I going to tell him?” She kept her voice steady with an effort because she wanted very badly to cry. He looked so pathetic, trying to pretend it didn’t matter. Since before Claude’s death, when her life had collapsed, and through her long journey with her grief to this present point of acceptance, if not content, she had become very good at not crying in front of the children.
Tommy and Joy were unusually silent as they stared at Raymond’s battered face. Raymond, twelve, and in middle school, was their hero. They were both deeply shocked.
“Okay,” Raymond said through swollen lips. “So I got beat up. It’s no big deal.”
Kate turned from the stove. “It is a big deal, Raymond. It should never have happened. Tell me how it did.”
“Well,” he said reluctantly, “there’s this bunch of big kids, see. They’re really big guys.” He paused, seeming tired, and pushed one grubby hand through his fair hair. “Well, what happened is they want to get in this gang. In that school, if you’re a guy and you’re not in a gang, you’re nobody. So there’s this test, this initiation.”
“Initiation? What kind of initiation?” Kate felt a sudden chill. These were children they were talking about. Kids, just about to enter their teens, like Raymond.
The boy sighed. “Is the milk hot yet? I’ll never get warm again.”
“Raymond, what initiation?”
“Well, it was three guys.” It seemed the boy was pushing the words out, one at a time. “These three guys can get in this gang if they can prove they’re tough. Really tough. If they can deliver. If they can follow orders. So they had to beat up somebody. Really bad. To prove it, you know.”
“Three of them had to beat you up to prove they were tough!” Kate sat down suddenly in a chair. She was physically sick. They could have killed him.
“Now, what’s going to happen is this,” Raymond added. “I’m not—repeat not—goin’ back to that school! Ever!”
Tommy broke the silence that followed. “Ray, when I get to middle school I’ll help you.”
“But Tommy, I’m not going back. Ever.”
Joy spoke softly. “Mommy, the milk is moving.” And Kate returned her gaze to the milk pan, watching the surface of the milk in its preboiling state. Raymond cannot go back to that school, she thought Nor did she want Tommy and Joy continuing in public school after the primary grades. Something was very wrong. She’d have to face it. This was not the way her children were going to grow up. They must not be cheated out of their childhood.
Kate lunged forward to pull the pan of suddenly-boiling milk from the burner, and poured the hot milk into the big metal pitcher over the sweetened chocolate.
“Well, you certainly don’t need to go back to school tomorrow anyway,” she said to Raymond. “We’ll talk to your dad about it tonight.” Kate poured chocolate into a mug and handed it to him. “Don’t drink that yet It’s too hot.” She poured two more mugfuls for her children.
“I wish he wasn’t coming back tonight. I’d like to heal up a little first,” Raymond muttered.
“Oh, Raymond, I’m so sorry.” She poured another mug for herself. She shouldn’t have. She was getting too rounded again and she had made a resolve not to eat between meals anymore. But she needed this.
“Your father’s going to be upset. He’ll think I’m not taking care of you.”
“Not your fault,” Raymond said quickly. “You can’t help what those goons at school do. Dad will just have to understand it. See, Dad’s always been first string. In everything. All his life he’s total success. So he freaks out when I can’t cope, which mostly I can’t. But he’s gotta face it. I’m an inferior kid. He can take it or leave it.”
“You’re not an inferior kid. You’re a great kid. I wouldn’t want you to be any different than you are. Your father wouldn’t, either!”
“Don’t sweat it, Mom. It’ll be okay.”
Kate wondered again how Ian’s former wife, Marsha, could have simply walked out on this boy. He was struggling so hard for some sort of family. Thank heavens Ian was paying Marsha so much alimony that he couldn’t afford to send Raymond to boarding school. That would have stifled the boy completely.
“Help yourself to seconds,” she told the children, getting up. “I have to make a phone call. But let Raymond pour. It’s hot.”
She sent up a silent prayer that Pastor Ledbetter would be in and available, not counseling parishioners or doing any of the thousand and one things that filled his days. Recollecting his kindly face, his graying hair and nice blue-gray eyes, Kate felt her tension easing.
“Congregational Church. How can I help you?” She silently thanked God that the pastor had answered the phone himself. The church secretary must have stepped out for a minute. Words tumbled from Kate as she poured out her story and resumed the talk that had started when Raymond had first realized he was being targeted.
Kate heard Ian’s car come into the driveway next door just minutes before the dinner hour, and she forced herself not to look out the window.
“He’s coming!” Tommy shouted. “Finally! I’m starving!”
“All right, Tommy. He’s a little late,” Kate admonished. “Don’t make a big thing of it. Where are you going, Raymond?” But Raymond had retreated down the hall toward the bedroom the two boys shared. Kate went after him and Raymond turned.
“You talk to him first, okay? Kind of break it to him that I’m not exactly Mike Tyson in a fight. Then I’ll come in later. When he’s ready to take it.”
“That’s not a bad idea,” Kate agreed. The moment she did, Raymond ducked into the bedroom and shut the door. “Call me when it’s time,” he said through the crack.
Joy had opened the front door at Ian’s ring. Both of her children adored Ian, and Kate felt a little breathless herself every time she saw him—tall, a bit over six feet, well-built, with the unusual combination of blond hair and hazel eyes. Kate had met his former wife, who was jaw-droppingly gorgeous. What a stunning couple they must have been.
“Hi, kids. Boy, am I glad to be back.” He glanced around. “Where’s Ray?”
Before Kate could answer, Joy said, “He’s hiding, because he—”
Tommy clasped his hand over her mouth just in time and pulled her over to the big chair by the fireplace and pushed her into it.
Ian glanced a question at Kate.
“Actually, I guess he is, in a way,” Kate said. “I need to speak to you about something, Ian. Raymond had some trouble at school.”
“What kind of trouble?” Ian’s voice was guarded.
“There was a fight at school,” she admitted weakly, feeling guilty.
“Three bigger boys jumped him,” Tommy interjected, unable to resist.
“He’ll be all right,” Kate said quickly. “He’s—”
But Ian was heading for the boy’s room, and she followed helplessly, with the children close behind her. Ian opened the door and went in. When he saw Raymond lying on the bed he froze. Raymond cast Kate a look of dismay.
“It’s okay, Dad. It’s no big deal.”
Kate went sick at the shock on Ian’s face as he sank to his knees beside the bed and reached out to his son.
“Oh…no,” he whispered, his hands hovering over the boy, as if he were afraid to touch him.
“Look, it’s okay, Dad.” Raymond struggled to a sitting position. “I’ll heal up…” But as he said it, his voice broke and tears started from his swollen eyes. He went into his father’s arms, muttering, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Kate pushed her kids out the door. “Come on, kids,” she said softly, shutting the door behind them.
“What about dinner?” Tommy wailed. “I’m starving.”
“We’ll wait a while,” Kate said firmly.
But they didn’t need to wait long. It was only a matter of minutes before Ian and Raymond came into the living room. Raymond threw himself into his favorite chair.
“What happened, Kate? All he’ll say is that he got into a fight.” Ian’s voice betrayed a forced calmness. He wanted to explode at what had been done to his son. His eyes showed it.
Kate glanced at Raymond. “You should have told him,” she said. “Well, Ian, I may as well give it to you straight.”
“I’d like that,” Ian said with faint sarcasm, going over to the fireplace.
“There seems to be some gang activity over at the middle school.”
“You must be kidding.” He turned to look at her.
“I only wish I were. As I get the story, three of the boys—bullies, really—were in some form of initiation. They had to ‘beat up’ someone to prove themselves. They chose Raymond. There were three of them, all bigger boys than he is.” In spite of her effort at control, her voice rose in anger.
“That’s sick,” Ian said shortly. He was filled with seething rage. Kate could feel it.
“I know how you feel,” she said.
Tommy interrupted. “He didn’t have a chance, Ian. He was outnumbered. He was ambushed.”
“I’ll go over to that school tomorrow,” Ian began grimly. “I’ll—”
“No!” Raymond sprang out of his chair, wincing as he did so.
Kate despaired. She was handling this badly. Later she would think of dozens of things she should have said. She often had long imaginary conversations in her head with Ian, in which she was clever, witty, intelligent and very composed. And he was always so appreciative and admiring. Now she moved forward and caught Raymond by the arm.
“Listen to your father,” she said, pushing back his fair hair. Raymond calmed down and looked sullenly at Ian.
Ian retreated. “Okay,” he said gently. “What do you want me to do?”
“Well, first, just let it alone,” Raymond muttered.
Joy piped up, climbing back into the big chair by the fireplace and smoothing her skirt down primly. “Raymond is never going to school again. He’s through.”
“Through with school?” Ian asked.
“That’s what he said,” Joy answered.
Kate interposed. “He doesn’t really have to, you know.” She swallowed hard and braced herself.
“Okay, I’m listening. Why doesn’t my twelve-year-old son need to go to school anymore?” Ian asked quietly.
Her mouth was suddenly dry. “I was talking with Pastor Ledbetter earlier. This has been coming on for a while. We were talking about homeschooling and—”
Ian didn’t let her finish. “Maybe we’d better have dinner first. It might calm us down. This looks like a long discussion coming up. And I think I heard Tommy say he was starving.”
“I am,” Tommy said promptly, and both boys headed for the dining room, followed by Joy.
Kate gave up and followed the children, with Ian beside her. He was anything but calm; she could sense it.
Dinner was a disaster. Only the children could eat, and watching Raymond struggle to eat through his swollen lips made her sick with anger. She noted that Ian couldn’t do anything either but push the food around on his plate. Well, her precious roast of beef wouldn’t be wasted. She would use the leftovers for baked hash. The children loved it. When the endless meal was finally over Kate stopped herself from mentioning homework—after all, Raymond wasn’t going back to school anyhow.
“I brought back a couple of videos. If you kids want to go watch them, they’re on the hall table,” Ian said. The children rushed out. And he added to Kate, “Want some help with this? You don’t have a dishwasher.”
“I’m the dishwasher,” Kate murmured. Ian was being kind; he had never offered to help before. It probably meant he was going to reject the homeschooling idea and wanted to let her down easily. But Raymond couldn’t go back to that school. She had seen this coming. She should have acted sooner.
In the kitchen, Ian waited until he was drying the last glass. Then he hung up the dish towel on the rack and turned to her. The sounds of cartoon voices and singing came to them from the boys’ bedroom.
“Let’s stay in here, Kate. They’ll be busy for another hour at least.” He pulled out a kitchen chair for her and she sat down. He took the opposite chair. He was waiting politely for her to begin.
She cleared her throat, trying to remember some of the things she had learned from Pastor Ledbetter. She wished Ian knew him better, but Ian was seldom in Seattle weekends and, although he had attended church with them a few times, it was not a priority with him.
“You were talking with your pastor,” Ian prompted.
“Earlier, about a month ago, this trouble started and I—Raymond and I—worked it out that I’d meet the bus, but this apparently happened at school. I’m worried about Tommy and Joy, too. They’re just in primary grades and, so far, things are going well, but I’m trying to prepare for their future, too. Pastor Ledbetter is a former teacher and he’s been advising me.”
Ian was at least listening, she hoped with an open mind.
“We can’t—just can’t—make Raymond go back there. Once those toughs have targeted him, they’ll show him no mercy. They’re bullies. And I don’t think it will do much good for you to go down. Schools don’t seem to pay much attention to parents anymore.”
“So, tell me about this homeschooling.”
“Pastor Ledbetter said that in a few years’ time over a million families will be homeschooling their children. There is a wealth of material available, for all grade levels, with loads of teaching aids. It started with Americans in Europe homeschooling their children. It’s a growing trend now, especially among Christians, very widespread.” She went on, remembering more and more of what Pastor Ledbetter had told her.
“You’ve thought about this for quite a while, haven’t you?”
“Ever since this trouble started. Today, with Raymond coming home like he did, that was the last straw. I realized that I’d have to do something.”
“Would you do the teaching yourself?” Ian asked, and Kate could hear the doubt in his voice.
“Oh, yes,” she said firmly.
“I didn’t know you had a teaching credential.”
“I haven’t. I don’t need one. The homeschooling materials are so well prepared—I mean, they are designed for use by nonteachers.”
A silence lengthened between them. Finally Ian broke it.
“That’s a wonderful offer, Kate. And you are a very kind and generous person to make it but, I have to ask it, how far did you go in school?”
Kate felt her face getting hot. She knew that Ian had an M.B.A., as well as having had specialized training for his work.
“I…had two years at community college, but Claude and I wanted to get married and…I needed to get a job. I mean, he didn’t have his degree yet and…one of us had to go to work…” Her voice trailed off. Memories surfaced of herself and Claude and all their great plans, the too-early marriage, the unexpected pregnancy with Tommy. Then, later, the planned pregnancy with Joy, after Claude was established in his job. Then—oh, why do these things happen to people—Claude getting sick. Everything had been going so well. It was unbelievable that it should collapse around them. If it hadn’t been for the strong support of her close family she didn’t think she could have made it through.
Kate suddenly got up from the table, trying to shut out the flood of memories of Claude’s long illness, his bravery. Her caring for Claude as his life slipped away into merciful death. Caring for the rowdy little Tommy and the infant, Joy. Pinching pennies, trying to get by on Claude’s disability payments. The nights she had fallen into bed too exhausted to sleep.
“Would you like a cappuccino?” she heard herself asking.
“Yes, thank you, I would. Do you think of Claude often?”
“Sometimes. Not as much as I used to.” She set about making the coffee.
“How long has it been since—”
“Over six years now. Joy doesn’t even remember him at all, of course. She was too little.” Do you think of Marsha? The question remained unasked in her mind. There was no way he could forget Marsha, because Marsha came back into his life now and then on her occasional visits to see Raymond and toy with motherhood.
A silence grew between them as she finished making the cappuccino, and when she had put the pot and small cups onto the table, he said, “That smells good.”
She poured the steaming coffee into the little cups.
“I guess I agree that Raymond can’t go back to that school,” Ian said, his voice sounding tired. “But to be honest, I can’t see this homeschooling idea for him. For one thing, his grandparents would raise the roof.”
“Why? What have they got to do with it?”
“Well, when Marsha wanted out of our marriage, they gave me a lot of advice about Raymond. Justin, Colonel Justin Greer, my ex-father-in-law, who is a nice guy, really, is retired army. And they always—this is my reading of it—they feel embarrassed about Marsha not staying with the marriage.” He was choosing his words carefully, and Kate respected him for it. He was trying not to say anything disparaging about Marsha. He never had, but Raymond wasn’t so careful, so Kate knew a great deal about the rocky marriage.
“You see,” Ian continued, “they feel apologetic about Marsha. They needn’t. It takes two to make a bad bargain, and I’ve tried to take my share of blame with them. You see, Marsha didn’t really have a very good life. She was an army brat, shuffled around abroad when they were stationed abroad, or warehoused in some boarding school when they were stationed some place where they couldn’t take her. But they really are concerned about me, a single parent, raising Raymond. With the travel and all. They wanted—still want—him placed in a good military school. And they do care. They do keep in touch…have input into his life.”
Kate was well aware of that. Raymond got at least a couple of letters a month from his grandmother Greer, and the VCR in the boys’ bedroom was one of his grandparents’ gifts.
“Don’t drink that yet. It’s too hot,” Kate said almost mechanically, and saw Ian trying not to smile. He probably thought she was just everybody’s mommy, and it wasn’t how she wanted him to think of her.
“Will you do me a favor?” she asked with a sigh.
“Sure. If I can. What is it?”
“Can I set up an appointment for us both to visit with Pastor Ledbetter? I’ve already decided it’s something I want to do for my kids a little later, in the upper grades, and I may as well start with Raymond. I’d just like you to hear what he has to say. Just consider it.”
“Okay, if you want me to, Kate, but…” His hazel eyes fell to look at the cup before him with its still-steaming coffee. “But I really don’t like the idea of homeschooling him and…” He paused and she saw color rise into his face. “My disposable income will shortly increase considerably.” His tone was carefully neutral, but there was a grimness about it.
“You got a raise? You got a promotion?” She couldn’t keep the eagerness out of her voice, and was about to congratulate him.
“No,” he said flatly. “Marsha is getting married again. She’s found…Mr. Right.”
“I don’t understand,” Kate said faintly, afraid that she did understand.
“It means I’m off the hook for alimony, Kate. I don’t have to pay it after June. I’ll have enough to send Raymond to a good private school. I guess I’ll have to give in on that point. It’ll please his grandparents, anyhow… Kate? Are you okay?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m okay,” Over my dead body. That boy needs family. “Is that absolutely carved in stone? Can’t we just go and see Pastor Ledbetter?”
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