Kitabı oku: «The Hidden Women: An inspirational novel of sisterhood and strength», sayfa 3
Chapter 6
Helena
May 2018
It seemed Miranda and I weren’t the only ones to be thinking about Lil. On Monday morning, just before lunch, the office receptionist phoned me to say I had a visitor.
‘This is a nice surprise,’ I said as the lift doors opened and I saw it was my dad. ‘Are you working nearby?’
We were based in Soho, and Dad often worked close by when a film he’d composed the music on was in post-production. It wasn’t unusual for him to pop by and say hello when he was in the area, but he normally phoned first.
Now he gave a vague nod over his shoulder. ‘Nearby,’ he said.
‘I’m a bit busy at the moment but we could go for lunch in about half an hour if you like?’
But Dad shook his head. ‘I wanted to ask you something,’ he said. ‘Could we nip into another room, perhaps?’
Behind his back, I saw Elly studiously bashing away at her keyboard, pretending not to be listening.
‘Of course,’ I said, a flicker of unease in my stomach. ‘Follow me.’
I led him into the meeting room where I’d met Jack Jones the week before, and shut the door.
‘Are you okay? What’s the matter? Is Mum okay?’
Dad smiled. ‘Nothing’s the matter,’ he said. ‘We’re both fine. Fit as fiddles.’
He gave a little skip as though to prove how fit he was even though he was approaching eighty. Mum wasn’t far off seventy.
I raised my eyebrow at him and he pulled out a chair and sat down. I did the same.
‘So what’s up?’
‘I wanted to ask you a favour,’ he said.
‘Go on.’
‘I know you said you weren’t supposed to do your own research, but any chance you could have a quick look into this Lil stuff for me?’
‘Dad, no,’ I said. ‘I can’t.’
‘It’s important.’
I stared at him. ‘Why?’ I said. ‘Why is it important?’
Dad looked at his hands. ‘No actual reason that I can put into words,’ he said. ‘I’d just like to know more about my family. Before it’s too late.’
He took a breath.
‘I never really asked my parents much about the war, and that generation just didn’t talk about it, did they?’
I shook my head. More than once I’d come across the most amazing stories in the course of research that had never been mentioned in the family.
‘I think the war was so awful, more awful than we could ever imagine, and those who lived through it found it hard to talk about,’ I said.
‘My father – your grandfather – was in the RAF.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I’ve seen his medals.’
Dad nodded. ‘Never mentioned it, not really,’ he said. ‘Not to us, at least not often. He had some old air force friends I remember him meeting up with, and I imagine they talked about what they’d done.’
‘Their own version of group therapy,’ I pointed out. ‘Must have helped.’
‘I wish I’d asked him more about it,’ Dad said. He looked really sad and I thought suddenly that even though my grandpa had been dead for more than twenty years, he must still miss him.
I reached out and took his hand. ‘He might not have talked, even if you’d asked,’ I said. ‘Did Grandma ever say anything?’
‘Not about Dad in the air force,’ Dad said. ‘But, of course, I remember bits about the war. Not much, because I was very small. But I remember living with Mum, and not really knowing Dad when he came home.’
He paused.
‘And I remember Lil,’ he said.
‘What do you remember?’ I asked, intrigued by this little insight into my own family history.
‘I remember her wearing a uniform,’ Dad said slowly. He tilted his head to the left and looked far away over my shoulder. ‘I remember sitting on her lap and playing with a toy plane and her arm round me felt scratchy, the material I mean. It was a uniform.’
‘How old were you?’
He shrugged.
‘About four, perhaps? I loved that plane.’
‘Was that the one Lil brought you?’
‘I always thought my father gave it to me,’ he said. ‘But now I really think about it, I seem to remember Lil bringing it. It’s such a long time ago.’
‘Uniforms and toy planes sound to me like that was our Lil on my list,’ I said.
Dad nodded. ‘That’s what I thought.’
‘Give me a minute,’ I said.
Leaving him in the meeting room, I dashed back to my desk and found the Jack Jones file – now with all the papers back in the correct order.
‘Everything okay?’ Elly said, super-casually.
‘Dad worked with Jack Jones,’ I said, sort of truthfully. Dad had indeed done some music for the TV show Jack had starred in – though he never met the actors as a rule. ‘On that detective thing. He wanted to check something.’
Elly looked dubious but she didn’t say anything.
I took the folder back to the meeting room and showed Dad the list with Lilian Miles on it.
‘So, she flew planes?’ Dad said in awe. ‘Bloody hell.’
I nodded. ‘Amazing, right?’
‘Could you check her records?’
‘Dad,’ I said, in a warning tone.
‘There must be service records,’ he said, not put off by my frown. ‘Surely they’d help us find out if it’s her? We know her date and place of birth; it shouldn’t be hard to cross-reference.’
‘I can’t, Dad,’ I said. ‘It’s completely verboten to do our own research. I could lose my job.’
I grinned at him.
‘You could do it, or Mum. She knows about research. Though it’s expensive to subscribe to some of the databases.’
Dad shook his head. ‘Oh, Nell, you know what we’re like with computers. We just don’t have the skills,’ he said. ‘I’m not bad on the email business but anything more complicated just flummoxes me. I’m no spring chicken.’
I patted his hand reassuringly. ‘You do brilliantly,’ I lied, knowing he was right. He and Mum struggled to work their television.
‘What about if you did it outside work?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said. ‘It just feels so wrong because I found the information at work. It’s not right to use company resources for personal searches. I could get into trouble.’
‘Your boss wouldn’t know, Miranda said,’ Dad pointed out.
I shrugged. ‘I can’t,’ I said again. ‘Why are you so interested?’
‘I told you, I just want to know about my family,’ Dad said. But he didn’t meet my eyes when he said it. What was he hiding?
‘There is something we can do, though,’ I said, watching him carefully.
Dad looked hopeful. ‘What?’
‘We could ask her.’
‘Ask her,’ Dad repeated, just as I’d done when Miranda suggested it.
Before I could continue, there was a knock on the door of the meeting room and Fliss stuck her head round, her long blonde hair swinging.
‘Sorry, Helena,’ she said. ‘I thought I’d booked this room?’
Guiltily, I gathered up the Jack Jones papers I’d been showing Dad and smiled. ‘Just an unplanned meeting,’ I said. ‘We’ll get out of your way.’
I went to hustle Dad out of the room, before Fliss realised I’d been mixing up work and personal stuff, but it was too late. She was looking at Dad curiously.
‘Fliss Hopkins,’ she said, holding out her hand for him to shake.
‘Robert Miles.’
She beamed at him. ‘Helena’s father?’
‘Indeed,’ said Dad giving her a dazzling smile. He was such a charmer.
‘I was just going over some Jack Jones research when Dad popped in to see if I was free for lunch,’ I said.
‘But Helena tells me she is far too busy to join me, so I will bid you farewell,’ Dad said smoothly making me wonder if he’d always been such a good liar.
‘Nice to meet you,’ said Fliss.
She stood back to let us leave the room then entered herself, leaving the door open.
‘Let me think about it,’ I said as I showed Dad to the lift, hoping Fliss hadn’t realised I had been showing Dad my Jack Jones research and that she didn’t decide to have a look at it herself. ‘I can’t search Lil’s records, not without putting my job at risk, but I’ll have a think about what else we can do.’
Dad kissed me goodbye. ‘Thanks, Helena,’ he said. ‘It means a lot to me.’
Chapter 7
Lilian
September 1939
I cycled as slowly as I could through the village, wobbling on my bike because I wasn’t going fast enough to keep my balance.
‘Morning, Lil,’ Marcus the postman called. ‘Mind how you go.’
I ignored him, concentrating on keeping my legs going round. I had an ache in my stomach and my limbs felt heavy and hard to control.
‘By lunchtime it’ll be over,’ I whispered to myself over and over as I cycled. ‘By lunchtime it’ll be over.’
I could see the house up ahead, squatting at the end of the village like a slug, and growing bigger as I approached. I slid off my bicycle and chained it to the fence, and then, dragging my heels, walked up the path to the front door. Before I could knock, it opened. My piano teacher’s wife stood there. She was dressed to go out, wearing her hat and holding her gloves in one hand and her handbag in the other. I wanted to cry.
‘Lilian,’ she said, beaming at me ‘How nice to see you. He’s in the music room – go on through.’
I forced a smile. ‘Thank you, Mrs Mayhew,’ I muttered, slinking past her. She was so pretty and fresh-looking in her summer dress. I felt her eyes on me as I went and wondered if she knew. If she could tell. I felt dirty. No, not dirty. Filthy.
At the music room door, I paused. Then I lifted my hand and knocked.
‘Come,’ said Mr Mayhew. Taking a breath, I went.
Mr Mayhew was sitting at the piano, making pencil notes on some sheet music that was on the stand.
‘Ah, Lilian,’ he said. ‘You’re late.’
He turned round on the stool and gave me a dazzling smile. My breath caught in my throat. Always when I wasn’t with him, he became a monster in my head. Then, when I saw him again – saw his dark, swarthy good looks and his broad shoulders – I wondered what I had been worrying about.
‘Come and sit,’ he said, shifting over on the padded stool. ‘Let’s play something fun to get warmed up.’
I put down my music case and settled myself next to him. I felt the warmth of his body as his thigh brushed mine when I sat, but I couldn’t move away because the stool was too small.
Mr Mayhew – I couldn’t call him Ian, even though he’d told me to – moved a sheet of music to the front of the bundle on the stand. It was a Bach piece that had been one of my favourites, long ago when I was still a child.
He turned to me, his face just inches from mine. I smelled coffee on his breath and tried not to recoil as nausea overwhelmed me.
‘Ready?’ he said.
I nodded, putting my hands on to the keys.
‘Two, three, four …’ he counted us in.
I knew the music by heart, so as I played I shut my eyes and imagined I was anywhere but in this stuffy room, with Mr Mayhew’s body heat spreading through my thin cotton frock.
At the end of the piece, Mr Mayhew stood up and I felt myself relax. Slightly.
‘Good,’ he said, strolling over to the window and gazing out into the garden. ‘Now let’s go through your examination pieces. Start with the Brahms.’
I relaxed a bit more, realising he wanted to concentrate on music today.
‘Could you open a window, please?’ I asked. ‘It’s very warm.’
He nodded and pushed the sash upwards. ‘Are you feeling well?’ he asked me, his brow furrowed in concern. ‘You’re very pale.’
I swallowed. ‘I’m fine,’ I said. ‘It’s just the heat.’
Mr Mayhew came over to where I sat and stood behind me. Gently, he reached out and stroked the back of my neck.
‘Lilian,’ he said gruffly. ‘Is something wrong?’
I froze. My stomach was squirming and I wasn’t sure I could put how I was feeling into words. How could I tell him I’d wanted his approval for months, so badly that I almost felt a physical ache when I played a wrong note. That when he smiled at me my heart sang with the most beautiful music. That when he told me I was special to him, I wanted to throw myself into his arms and stay there forever. And yet, as spring had blossomed into early summer, and he had kissed me for the first time, I’d gone home feeling confused and guilty. When, just a week later, he had put his hand up my skirt while I played, his fingers probing and hurting, I’d gasped in fear and he’d nodded.
‘Like that?’ he said, his voice thick. ‘I thought you would. I knew what you wanted from the day you walked in here.’
I’d stayed still, not understanding what he was doing. Not wanting to upset him by asking him to stop. Because I had wanted this. Hadn’t I?
Now, after our lessons he would kiss me, and touch me – and make me touch him too. I didn’t know how to say no. Because I’d started this, hadn’t I? And sometimes he came to school to meet me at the gate and give me music he’d copied for me by hand – see how much cared – and we walked home the long way through the woods. And he’d take me by the hand and lower me into the soft moss below one of the trees and unbuckle his belt and …
I found that by imagining playing the piano I could pretend it wasn’t happening. And then when it was over, Mr Mayhew would always be so kind. He would brush leaves from my hair, and tell me how precious I was. I never cried until I was alone.
Now, feeling his fingers on the back of my neck, I waited for what he would do next.
‘Are you cross with me?’ he murmured. ‘Because I wanted you to play first?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘I want to play.’
‘You tease me,’ he said. He trailed his fingers over my collarbone and down to my bust, and I closed my eyes.
And then the front door banged shut and he pulled away as if my faded cotton dress was prickly.
‘Ian,’ Mrs Mayhew called. ‘Ian, are you there?’
She came into the music room without knocking, which she never did. Mr Mayhew was very strict about that. Not a surprise, I supposed, given what we were often doing instead of playing piano.
Mrs Mayhew’s hat was askew and her hair was escaping from its roll. She had a streak of dust across the front of her dress and her forehead was beaded with sweat. I’d never seen her look so flustered; she was normally perfectly groomed.
‘Oh, Ian,’ she wailed. ‘Ian, have you heard the news?’
Mr Mayhew stiffened next to me. ‘He’s done it, has he?’ he said. ‘He’s bloody gone and done it?’
A tear rolled down Mrs Mayhew’s face, leaving a clean track in the grime on her cheek.
‘I ran all the way from the village,’ she said. ‘They were talking about it on the street. Mrs Armitage was sitting at the war memorial, just weeping.’
I felt sicker than I had moments before. Mrs Armitage had lost both her sons in the Great War. The war we’d been told would end all wars. The war that my own father never talked about.
‘What does this mean?’ I stammered. ‘Is it Hitler? What has he done?’
Mr Mayhew patted me on the head distractedly, his full attention on his wife.
‘He’s sent his troops into Poland,’ he said. ‘And Mr Chamberlain promised that if he did that, then …’ His voice trailed off.
‘I need to go home,’ I said. ‘I need to find Bobby.’
Mrs Mayhew looked at me for the first time. I didn’t think she’d even realised I was there before then.
‘Bobby,’ she said vaguely. ‘Who is Bobby?’
I was already halfway out of the door. ‘He’s my brother,’ I said over my shoulder. ‘I need to find my brother.’
Chapter 8
Helena
May 2018
Work was crazily busy for the next few days and I didn’t have any time to think about Lil for a while. Until Jack Jones turned up at the office again – much to my surprise.
‘I’m sorry to bother you,’ he said when I went down to reception to see him. ‘I was having lunch with my agent nearby, and thinking about everything you’d found out and I wanted to see how you were getting on.’
I gave him a small, forced smile. ‘Yeah, all good,’ I said vaguely. I was getting on pretty well with his research, but I wasn’t happy about him checking up on me in this way.
‘Oh God,’ he said. ‘Does this look like I’m checking up on you?’
He was so close to what I was thinking that I stared at him in horror.
‘It does a bit,’ I admitted, unable to think of anything else to say but the truth. ‘The celebs aren’t normally this interested.’
He grinned at me, pushing a lock of his curls out of his dark eyes, and I felt myself melting, just a bit.
‘I’m being a nightmare,’ he said.
‘It’s fine.’ I was feeling slightly odd. ‘Do you want to come upstairs?’
I took him up to the office and we sat in the same meeting room as before. Elly was at lunch, thank goodness, else she’d have been hovering to see what Jack wanted.
I offered him a coffee and tried to disguise my relief when he turned it down.
‘I had an early start today so I’ve had more than enough caffeine already,’ he said, with the same cheeky grin. ‘It makes me a bit bouncy.’
‘I wish you’d bounce my way,’ I thought to myself and then blinked in surprise. What was happening here? I’d barely looked at a man since Greg and I had fallen apart. Being a heartbroken single mother hardly made me a catch. And yet, here I was, fluttering my eyelashes at a real-life celebrity who was as likely to fancy me back as – well, as Greg I supposed.
I swallowed. ‘I’ve found out quite a lot about your grandparents, and your great-grandparents,’ I said carefully looking away from where his T-shirt hugged his broad chest. ‘It’s relatively simple to research just one or two generations back.’
I leafed through my folder to find the right documents.
‘Do you not know any of this already?’
Jack shook his head.
‘My maternal grandparents came over from Jamaica in the Fifties,’ he said. ‘They had one daughter already, and my mum was the first of their children to be born here. She’s the middle child – I’ve got two aunties.’
I nodded, interested. We’d not researched his maternal family at all so this was all new to me.
‘My grandad was a bus driver and my gran was a nurse. They worked really, really hard and they wanted a better life for their kids – my mum and my aunties.’
I nodded again.
‘And then Mum decided she wanted to be a writer, which wasn’t really in their plan,’ he said with a smile. I could see he was really proud of his family and my heart swelled a tiny bit more. ‘But they were so supportive of her. And she worked all the way through university to pay for herself.’
‘They all sound amazing,’ I said.
‘Then Mum met my dad,’ Jack said. ‘And it all went a bit wrong for a while.’
‘Wrong, how?’
‘He wasn’t a bad bloke, by all accounts. He seemingly loved Mum and they planned to get married. But she found out she was pregnant and he got scared, I think.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Same old story,’ I said sharply.
Jack looked at me with interest. ‘Sounds like you mean that,’ he said.
I gave him a grim smile. ‘Happened to me,’ I said, wondering why on earth I was sharing my story with him and yet somehow unable to resist.
‘My boyfriend legged it when I got pregnant,’ I said. ‘Well, I legged it actually but only after he’d given me a brochure for an abortion clinic.’
‘Ah,’ said Jack.
‘Ah.’
‘And did you, erm …?’
I smiled properly this time and showed him the photo on my phone. ‘Dora’s two,’ I said. ‘And she’s not seen Greg for more than a year. He took a job in Canada.’
Jack winced. ‘What a douche,’ he said.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable, sharing so much with a stranger. ‘It’s fine,’ I said. ‘We’re fine.’ I smiled. ‘Show me a family that doesn’t have a baby born with the whiff of a scandal and I’ll show you a family that knows how to keep secrets.’
Jack nodded sadly. ‘My dad’s family were quite traditional and a mixed-race grandkid born out of wedlock didn’t really work for them.’
I patted his hand, trying hard to fight the temptation to gather him up into my arms. He looked so sad.
‘I met them a few times, and my dad was around a bit when I was younger, but he got married to someone else and his visits got less and less frequent. By the time I was ten, I never saw him at all.’
‘Did you miss him?’ I was fairly sure Dora never gave Greg a second thought but I worried she would as she got older.
He shook his head. ‘I’d never had a proper relationship with him.’
‘How did you find out he’d died?’
‘Solicitor,’ Jack said, shrugging. ‘He left me some money.’
‘So he was thinking about you after all.’
‘I think that makes it worse,’ Jack said. ‘Because he could have just rung, you know? And I’m doing okay, in my career. I didn’t need his money – but I needed a dad.’
I breathed out. This was so sad. I hoped he’d be as honest with the camera crew when they filmed his story – it would make a great episode.
‘And you want to know more about his family now?’
‘I know lots about my Caribbean side. I know everything. I’ve met everyone. I know the recent history and I know further back – the murky bits. The nasty, horrible, slavery bits.’
I nodded again.
‘And I’m really aware that I can only go so far back on that side of my family. We will never be able to go much further than a few generations because no one kept records. I don’t know where we came from, or what my ancestors did, and I will never be able to find out.’
‘So now you’re filling the gap on the other side instead?’ I said, understanding now where his drive to discover his family came from.
‘That’s the plan.’ He gave me a little sheepish smile. ‘Sorry to be so demanding.’
I smiled back at him and for a second we stayed that way, eyes locked, smiling at each other, until I dropped my gaze. What was I doing?
‘I don’t mind at all,’ I said honestly. ‘Happy to help.’
‘Did you find out anything about your own family mystery?’
I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Did he mean Greg? I knew where he was. I looked at him blankly. ‘What mystery?’
‘Your Lilian Miles,’ he said.
‘Oh, Lilian. No, not really. I don’t think there’s anything mysterious about it all …’
‘But?’
‘But there was a look between my parents, when I mentioned what I’d found.’
Jack sat up a bit straighter. ‘And?’ he said.
‘And my dad turned up here and asked me to research her some more.’
‘Interesting,’ said Jack, raising his eyebrows.
‘I chatted about it with my sister …’
‘You’ve got a sister?’
‘I’ve got two,’ I said, finding the way his mind darted between subjects a bit disconcerting. Maybe he had drunk too much coffee. ‘And a brother.’
‘Awesome,’ Jack said. ‘So what did your sister say?’
‘She said I should ask my great-aunt what she did during the war and whether this Lilian Miles is her.’
‘Seems reasonable enough.’
‘I suggested that to Dad,’ I went on.
‘And what did he say?’
I frowned. ‘He didn’t really say anything because we were interrupted. He was very keen for me to research her, though. I don’t understand why.’
‘I understand,’ Jack said.
I stared at him. ‘You do?’
‘I understand what it’s like not to know about part of your family,’ he explained. ‘Maybe your dad feels the same.’
‘Perhaps,’ I said, doubtfully. ‘But he knows all about Lil. She even lived with us for a while. She’s hardly an enigma.’
Jack grinned. ‘But you don’t know about her war.’
‘Well, no …’
‘So she is an enigma. At least part of her life is.’
I shook my head, feeling like he’d just backed me into a corner. ‘Dad was hiding something,’ I said thoughtfully, almost to myself. ‘It was like he didn’t want to tell me the real reason he was so keen.’
‘You have to find out more,’ Jack said.
Eagerly, he took my hand and I felt a jolt like the electric shocks I always got off the dodgy lift buttons in the office. Surprised, I pulled my hand away and he looked embarrassed.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I shouldn’t have done that.’
‘No, don’t apologise,’ I blustered. ‘I just got an electric shock is all.’
He smiled at me. ‘Sorry,’ he said again. ‘Next time I take your hand, I’ll warn you in advance so you can earth yourself.’
‘Next time,’ I said, sounding robotic and as though I didn’t really understand the words, like Eleven from Stranger Things.
We smiled at each other and I felt myself flush.
‘So, yeah,’ I said briskly, to break the awkward moment. ‘Dad wants me to look at the service records but I explained I’m not allowed. Fliss is very strict about us not researching our own family history at work.’
‘Use my research,’ Jack said.
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Use my family as a cover. Find Frank Jones in the ATA and look up Lil while you’re at it.’
‘I really don’t think that’s a good idea,’ I said. ‘It’s too risky. We can all see each other’s searches. What if someone twigs I’m looking up my family? I can’t lose my job.’
Jack shrugged. ‘Just an idea,’ he said. ‘No need to decide now. Why not think about it?’
I smiled despite my misgivings. ‘Okay, then,’ I said. ‘I’ll think about it. But for now, I’m just going to talk to Lil.’
Jack grinned again. His smile was infectious.
‘Great,’ he said. ‘Let me know how you get on.’
