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I felt an irrational wave of panic rise up, but quickly squashed it down. Must be just that the house had been unoccupied and the electricity company had cut off the supply. It’d only need a phone call to get reconnected. But who should I call? I realised I didn’t even know the name of any Irish electricity companies. I could look it up online, I supposed, or phone Matt and ask him to look it up for me. Yes, that would be easier.
I pulled out my phone to call him and discovered it was out of charge. Out of charge and no electric in the house. That wave of panic rose up in me again. Was there a call box anywhere near? Or should I drive back to Blackstown and ask at the café – maybe the waitress would let me borrow her phone.
I glanced at my watch. It was gone six-thirty so the café would be closed. I considered my options. I could drive back to Blackstown, try to find a public phone, or perhaps even find a hotel or B&B to stay in just for tonight. I’d be able to charge my phone and call Matt, or ask the B&B owners how to get electricity reconnected. But it was growing dark and I didn’t fancy driving the unfamiliar narrow lanes in the dark. I wasn’t a confident driver at the best of times. Paul usually did all the driving.
The alternative was to stick it out here at the farm. Find a torch or some candles. Manage without electricity for the first night, then go into Blackstown and get things sorted out in the morning. This option didn’t appeal – I fancied the idea of a B&B more – but then I imagined Paul’s sneering laugh if he heard about it. ‘Couldn’t even manage one night alone,’ he’d say. ‘You’re nothing without me, Clare.’
Funnily, that thought, and his voice sounding so clear in my head, made up my mind for me. I was something without him. I’d prove it. I’d deal with this somehow. I went through to the kitchen and rummaged through cupboards and drawers while there was still a little grey light creeping in at the windows. In a dresser drawer I found some matches. And in another cupboard was a box of cheap white candles.
‘We have light,’ I said to the empty room. And the oven ran off bottled gas so at least I’d be able to cook and boil water. I hadn’t brought anything to cook, but another search through the cupboards turned up half a pack of Barry’s teabags and an assortment of tinned food, some of which was still in date. I first cursed myself for not thinking to do some shopping in Blackstown before coming here, and then smiled as I realised I could make a meal of sorts with a tin of boiled new potatoes, a tin of corned beef and a tin of beans. It’d do.
I dug out the least burned and battered saucepan I could find in the kitchen, filled it with water and put it on the hob to boil. There was a collection of chipped mugs in a cupboard (and my favourite ‘World’s Best Mum’ one in the car, but it was bucketing down now so fetching that would have to wait) so I made myself a cup of tea. No milk, but black tea was better than no tea.
It was odd but as soon as I had a cup of tea in my hand and a candle lit and placed on the kitchen table, I felt better. I had light, I had a hot drink and I would be able to make myself a meal later. But first, before it was fully dark, I wanted to explore my new home.
It was a strange feeling, going round it this time. Last time, with Paul, had been all about my memories of the past as I recalled visiting here as a child. This time was all about the future, as I tried to envisage how I would clean up, decorate and use each room. It would be a big job. Poor old Uncle Pádraig had clearly not spent any money on the place for years. Seventies’ brown floral carpets clashed with Eighties’ cheap black ash-effect furniture. There was woodchip wallpaper painted peach on most walls.
Upstairs, ancient candlewick bedspreads covered lumpy mattresses. One bedroom was filled with boxes of old paperwork. I wondered if any of it would be interesting, or if it was just old bills and bank statements. One day I’d have to go through it all.
I chose the least damp-smelling room for my own, and set about making the bed with the best of the bedding available, making yet another note to buy new bed linen as soon as possible. Why hadn’t I brought some from home? We had far too many sets, and Paul would not even have noticed if some disappeared. I left a couple of candles on the bedside table for use later. The box of matches was in my jeans pocket.
The living room was the most habitable room. A worn-out armchair sat near the fireplace, angled so that the occupant had a view through the window across the fields. I sat down and contemplated the view as the rain stopped and the clouds parted to reveal the very last of a dusky sunset.
‘Well, this is nice,’ I told myself. And it was. It was mine. My chair, my house, my view. I could make it something special, somewhere the boys would want to come to visit. Somewhere I could bring friends to. Somewhere I could feel safe as I gradually cut ties to Paul and gained my independence. Arise and go now. I’d done it.
Sitting there, in that old armchair looking out at the view brought back memories of my childhood, when I’d visited Clonamurty Farm several times while Granny Irish was still alive. She was my mum’s mum, and lived with Uncle Pádraig in the farm that had been hers and Granddad’s. Pádraig had taken it over, and then Granddad had died when I was 3 so I don’t remember him.
I do remember Granny Irish though. So unlike Dad’s mum, who I called Nanna. Where Nanna was round, smiley and plump and always feeding me sweets and chocolate whenever my parents looked the other way, Granny Irish was tall, thin and rarely smiled. She would have been a good-looking woman in her youth, with her high cheekbones and startling blue eyes, but as an old woman she appeared (to me as a child, at least) forbidding and austere.
She habitually wore a long black dress, almost to her ankles, and a hand-knitted shawl in a nondescript shade of beige. Her hair was pinned up in a bun. She was an old-fashioned woman – even in the 1970s she was old-fashioned. Mum tried to buy her new, brightly coloured clothes and persuade her to have her hair done differently, but Granny Irish wouldn’t have it. ‘What was good enough for my mammy is good enough for me,’ she’d say, her County Meath accent so strong I could hardly understand her.
I think her looks, her manner, her strong accent and her belief that children should be tamed and kept out of sight were what made her seem such a distant, forbidding figure. As a young woman she’d worked as a maid in a big house not far from Clonamurty Farm. She would never talk of those days, though, no matter how much we children would pester her.
There were family legends about her that I’d heard later, mostly from my cousin David, of how she’d played a part in Ireland’s War of Independence. Near the end of the war, she’d been some sort of spy, he said, feeding information on movements of the British run paramilitary Royal Irish Constabulary back to the Irish Volunteers who were fighting for independence. David had spoken of her actions in reverent tones, as he did any Republican.
Granny Irish died when I was 11, and we came over for the funeral. I remember my cousin David telling me then that he’d always been a little fearful of her, even though he’d grown up having her around. ‘It was always so hard to please her,’ he’d said. ‘Hard to make her smile, or get her to talk. But I always wanted to hear her stories of the war, and write them down before they were all forgotten.’
I shuffled in my chair, and felt an ominous bulge in the seat beneath me, suggesting a spring had worked loose of its ties. And the fabric on the arms was worn with the stuffing poking through. Well then, maybe stripping it back and reupholstering it from the woodwork up could be a good first project for me. As soon as I’d sorted out the utilities and cleaned the place up, of course. And now that I was here in Ireland, in my grandmother’s old house, I thought I’d like to find out more about my ancestry as well. Maybe some of those papers upstairs could have belonged to Granny Irish. It’d be good to find out more about her.
I should have asked Mum and Uncle Pádraig more about her, while they were still around. Why was it always the case that you left these things too late? All those memories, buried with the last generation.
Chapter 6
Ellen, October 1919
As the weeks passed, Ellen fell into a routine of work during the week, meeting Jimmy on Saturday evenings, and spending Sundays at home with her father and Digger before returning to Carlton House. Digger at least was always pleased to see her, even if Da would grumble about having to cook his own meals.
Ellen was enjoying her job, now that Siobhan was acting a little more friendly towards her. They’d established a habit of chatting for half an hour or so every night at bedtime, and Ellen felt a tentative friendship towards the other girl. Madame Carlton was a good person to work for, and Ellen was growing used to the idea that the house was used by the Irish Republicans, with men arriving for clandestine meetings that took place after dark. Occasionally rooms were designated out-of-bounds to all staff, for reasons Ellen could only guess at.
On Saturday evenings Jimmy would meet Ellen at the end of Carlton Drive and they’d walk hand in hand back towards Clonamurty Farm. Ellen knew his parents and brother well by now and thankfully she’d been accepted into the family as Jimmy’s sweetheart, despite her father’s misgivings that they would look down on her.
‘Always thought you two would get together,’ Mrs Gallagher had said, as Jimmy and Ellen stood side by side in the kitchen at Clonamurty Farm. ‘Even right back then, when you were knee-high to a leprechaun.’ She’d smiled. ‘You make my lad happy. Thank you.’
Ellen wasn’t happy about Jimmy’s involvement with the Volunteers even though she didn’t know too much about what he did. He’d sometimes say something vague about planning an ambush, moving ‘supplies’ (by which she assumed he meant weapons and ammunition) across the country, hiding from the enemy. She worried constantly that he’d put himself in danger, though this war seemed unlike any other she’d heard of or read about. There were no troops marching along the roads, no battles, no trenches, no cavalry charges. Just occasional reports of someone shot in a remote spot, or a raid by the Royal Irish Constabulary on a house or pub where Volunteers were thought to be hiding, or ambushes by Republicans on motor vehicles carrying British troops.
Since September, the conflict had stepped up a gear. Thankfully the action seemed far away with very little happening in the county of Meath or at least not near Blackstown, a fact for which she was very grateful. Even Carlton House seemed far removed from the acts of war, despite Madame’s involvement.
One fine, bright Saturday in early October Ellen was given the full day off work, in addition to her usual Sunday day off. She was allowed to leave immediately after completing her morning chores, although she had to return to Carlton House by six o’clock that evening. Jimmy was free, and they’d arranged a day out, with a picnic provided by Jimmy’s mother.
Jimmy met her at the end of Carlton House drive. He was holding a basket containing the picnic, with a rug draped over the top of it for them to sit on. It was a cold day but there was no wind and the sky was a glorious blue. They walked towards Blackstown where Jimmy led them to a bus stop.
‘No better place than the Hill of Tara on a day like this,’ he said, as they boarded the charabanc that would take them past the foot of the hill. Ellen smiled happily. She didn’t mind where they went, on such a beautiful day. It was enough that they could spend the day together. She’d been to Tara before, on an outing with her family while her mother was still alive. It had rained that day, and she could remember only wet grass, a ruined picnic, and huddling in the nearby church when the rain fell harder.
When the bus was about halfway to Tara it stopped to take on passengers, and two men dressed in tan uniforms got on and walked down the aisle of the bus, peering at all the passengers.
Jimmy made a quiet sound, and without warning caught hold of Ellen and pulled her towards him, kissing her soundly on the mouth. He’d tugged his cap low over his eyes.
‘Ha, look at these two!’ laughed one of the men in uniform.
Ellen tried to pull away, embarrassed to be caught kissing in public, but Jimmy was holding her too tightly, still kissing as though his life depended on it.
The men passed on down the bus, taking a seat at the back, and finally Jimmy let her go. He slid down in his seat so his head barely showed over the back of the seat. ‘Sorry about that,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t want to show my face to any of those thugs.’
Ellen began turning to look at the men, but Jimmy caught her arm and stopped her. ‘They’re Black and Tans,’ he explained. ‘They don’t know my face, and that’s the way I need it to stay. Ours is the next stop, thank the Lord.’
When the bus stopped again they got off, and Jimmy bent over the basket as if checking its contents, his back to the road, until the bus moved on.
‘Come on. Let’s get going.’ He took Ellen’s hand. They crossed the narrow lane and set off up a track beside a church that Ellen recognised from her visit here as a child.
‘Jimmy?’ Ellen said, when they were part way up, ‘what would have happened if the men on the bus had seen your face?’
In response he put his arm around her and pulled her close. ‘Nothing, my sweet. Nothing at all. I’m not known to the Black and Tans. But it would be wise for me to keep it that way. Can’t be too careful.’
‘Who are they?’
‘Auxiliaries, brought in to supplement the RIC while the conflict is on.’ He sniffed. ‘I’ve heard that most of them fellas were in prison in England, and were asked if they’d rather come over here and shoot Paddies instead of serving out their time. Of course, they jumped at the chance. Thugs, the lot of them.’
She shivered. ‘Keep safe, promise me.’
‘I will.’
They’d reached the top of the hill. The view in all directions was spectacular. Ellen spun around, gazing over the fields and hills and farms that were spread beneath her. ‘It’s as though you can see right across Ireland from here,’ she said. ‘When I came before it was too misty and wet a day to see anything. Now I can see why the ancient kings built their forts up here.’
‘They’d be able to see enemies coming from a long way off,’ Jimmy agreed. He led Ellen over to the mounds of earth that marked where the Iron Age fort had stood, and together they walked around it. A few sheep were up there, grazing contentedly on the short grass. ‘When the old kings had their seat here, Ireland was independent, mistress of her own destiny,’ he said, wistfully. ‘She was beholden to no one, least of all England. Did you know Ireland is the only country in Western Europe that was never part of the Roman Empire? We were free and proud. And so we shall be again.’
‘Come on. Let’s sit and have our picnic,’ Ellen urged him. It scared her when he spoke with such fervour. Although she knew and understood that this was a crucial part of who he was, she found it hard to accept that he would lay down his life for his country, if it was required of him. Would he lay down his life for her? She would never ask it of him, though she knew she would sacrifice herself for him, without hesitation. Was that the difference between men and women? That women loved their man and men loved their country best? How then, did women like Madame Carlton fit in? As a widow perhaps she was free to care more for her country and its future.
They spread the picnic rug on one of the ridges of earth that had once formed part of the Iron Age fortifications, sat down and opened the basket Jimmy’s mother had packed for them. Bottles of beer, hard boiled eggs, cold boiled potatoes, a jar of chutney, slices of ham and thick chunks of soda bread were all neatly wrapped in paper. There were two plates, knives and forks nestled at the bottom of the basket.
‘This looks wonderful, so it does,’ Ellen said. ‘You must thank your mother for me.’ Her own father had muttered in disapproval when she’d told him she was going out with Jimmy for the day. But she was a grown woman, who worked hard all week, and it was up to her how she spent her day off. These days, when they were young and free and able to spend time together, were so precious. Who knew how many of them there would be?
With luck the conflict would end soon, and Jimmy would marry her. Maybe it would drag on for years, keeping them apart, keeping Jimmy in danger. She shook the thought out of her head. Live in the moment, Mary-Ellen, she told herself. Tis all you can do, and tis the best place and time to be.
On impulse she reached for Jimmy and pulled him towards her, kissing him, just as he had done to her on the bus. The kiss was long and deep, and she felt herself melting into him as he pressed himself against her. She wanted him, she realised. They weren’t married, it was wrong, but it felt so right! She’d give herself to him, if that’s what he wanted. She was ready to take such a step. And maybe it’d keep him close if they became lovers. It’d help him realise how much was at stake, and perhaps persuade him to put her first …
But after a while he pulled away, flushed and panting slightly.
‘Oh, my love,’ he said. ‘There’ll come a time for us, you’ll see. When you and I can be together, properly, and for all time. It’s not here and now though. I … I love you. But we have to keep apart, do things properly, wait until the time is right.’
‘Jimmy, when will that be?’ she whispered, knowing how he’d answer.
He sighed and looked away from her, leaning back against the earthen mounds. ‘When the war is over. When Ireland is free. I cannot commit to you before then. I am sorry, but you must understand – this is who I am. This is why I’ve been put on God’s earth – to take part in this struggle, to do my bit. Please, you must let me.’
Her eyes filled with tears, but she nodded. ‘Of course. I will wait for you. Just …’
He smiled. ‘I know. Just keep safe. I will.’ He leaned over and gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek, then lay back on the rug, looking up at the sky that was now streaked with high wispy clouds. ‘Listen, let me tell you about a mission some of my Volunteer comrades were on last week.’
She shook her head. ‘No, don’t tell me. The less I know, the better.’
‘It’s not like that. It’ll amuse you, honest it will. And no one was hurt.’
‘Go on, then.’ She lay beside him, her head on his shoulder, to listen.
He cleared his throat. ‘So, a company of Volunteers, a few fellas among them I know, had been tasked with transporting some weapons across the county. Too far to carry them, too far for a horse and cart, and they had no other transport, but the guns were sorely needed for … well … for another campaign.’
Ellen pressed her lips together. She did not want to think about what the guns were to be used for.
‘Anyway, one of the lads had a bright idea. He went to the telegraph office, and sent a telegram to the local doctor, an Englishman named Doctor Johnston who was known to drive a large motorcar, telling him that a woman who lived in a remote farm was in desperate need of his attendance, and he was to come at once.
‘The doctor set off, but on the way, on a bridge, he met with the company of Volunteers. They stopped him and commandeered his motorcar. He protested of course, telling them he was on an urgent call – at which they came clean and told him it was a hoax. He waved his travel permit at them – issued by the Black and Tans – but that didn’t cut the mustard either. Finally, as he looked about to explode with fury, they gave him a receipt for his car.’
‘A receipt?’
‘Well, they just scribbled something on a piece of paper and handed it to him.’
‘He’ll get his motorcar back though, won’t he?’
‘Aye. When the war is over. That’s what it said on the receipt.’
Ellen smiled. ‘That could be years!’
‘It could indeed.’
She laughed. It was a comical image – a blustering English doctor being forced to give up his car to the Irish Volunteers, and being given a meaningless paper receipt for it. Well, if this was the sort of mission Jimmy was involved in, she had little to worry about. It all sounded rather good-natured, on the whole.
As the day wore on the sky clouded over and temperatures dipped. Ellen began to shiver. Her shawl was not warm enough for an autumn day without the sun shining. Jimmy packed up the basket while she folded the picnic blanket, and they descended the hill back to the lane to catch a bus to Blackstown. They journeyed home in companionable silence. Thankfully no Black and Tans got on the bus this time and the journey was a peaceful one.
It had been a day to remember, she thought. One to look back on, in the dark days to come. She shivered a little, in Jimmy’s arms, wondering why that thought had appeared in her mind. Who knew what was to come?
That evening, she lay in her narrow bed recounting the events of the day to Siobhan.
‘I’m after having the day off too,’ Siobhan said. ‘Madame wanted the house empty for more of her ridiculous cloak-and-dagger stuff.’ She sighed. ‘I wish she wouldn’t do it. Puts us all in danger, so it does. I’ve a mind to look for a job elsewhere, but this kind of work isn’t easy to find, while the war’s on. You were lucky, you know. Walking into it, the way you did. Becoming Madame’s favourite in the first five minutes.’
‘Ah, sure I’m not her favourite,’ Ellen protested, but Siobhan had turned her back to go to sleep, signalling the end of the conversation.
