Kitabı oku: «Brave: How I rebuilt my life after love turned to hate»

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Prologue

1 Intensity

2 Control

3 Jealousy

4 Isolation

5 Criticism

6 Blame

7 Sabotage

8 Anger

9 Hostage

10 Revenge

11 The Attack

12 The Hospital

13 The Recovery

14 The Court Case

15 A Real Future

Acknowledgements

Moving Memoirs eNewsletter

About the Publisher

Prologue

There was smoke, I remember that. As I ran into the road, my body consumed by pain, my flesh, my hair, my clothes were actually smoking. The rest of it still comes to me in flashes … The eyes of my assailant, a look of pure evil in those deep, dark pupils buried between his hoody and the black scarf covering his mouth and nose.

I can still remember those first horrifying split seconds, that exact moment when I realised that the liquid that was dripping down my hair and through my skin wasn’t water, but something much, much worse. And by the time my brain had scrambled enough sense to find a name for it – acid – every nerve in my body was screaming in pain.

I remember the old woman who I ran to. Moments before, she had just been any other person waiting for a bus and she could now have been my saviour. Except that when I grabbed her hands, pleading – begging – for her to help me, she looked down at her own flesh where the acid from my skin had seeped into hers and she cried out terrified as she watched her own flesh disappear.

I remember screaming for water.

I remember running into the road, weaving among the traffic, trying to get away from myself.

I remember feeling my ear melting from my face. I remember the sense of it shrinking and shrivelling on the side of my head. And the smell, I remember the smell, but I couldn’t describe it here on these pages. The smell of your own face melting is not something anyone should ever have to attempt to conjure up in their mind. Not that part of an act of pure evil.

Yet among all that pain, that searing, scorching-level pain, I knew exactly who was responsible. My brain cut through that raging heat, the white fire that seemed to engulf every nerve in my body and reminded me of one name.

I remember that name more than anything.

I was struggling so hard to survive, just to live, not to melt away, although that’s what I was doing in that moment; running like a wild woman into the road, seeing the horrified faces of strangers who had stopped to help and now ran from me to save their own skin. Literally.

But say I’d been able to pause that scene. Say I could have stopped it there and then, just for a minute, just for a second, I could have had one logical thought that wasn’t consumed by pain. I’ve no doubt as to what it would have been. I would have thought: how did our love come to this?

Chapter 1
Intensity

‘Mum, can I borrow a tenner?’

She glanced at me quickly and then back at Coronation Street.

‘Pass me my bag, Adele,’ she said.

I hovered beside her as she fished around in her handbag for her purse, the scent of my Calvin Klein perfume filling our small living room. But just as she pulled her black leather purse from her bag, just as she was about to flip it open, she looked up at me.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Bowling.’

I tried to sound casual, looking straight ahead at the TV, but I still saw her give me a quick scan up and down: thick mascara, pink glossy lips, long dark hair falling down my back, stringy top, jeans …

‘In heels?’ she asked.

I shot a quick glance at my dad then, but luckily his eyes were fixed on the TV. When I turned back to Mum, I saw that her eyebrows were raised, awaiting an answer, the hint of a smile curling at the corner of her lips.

‘Yeah, I’ll hire bowling shoes when I get there.’

She looked at me for a second before shaking her head, turning back to her purse and pulling out a crisp £10 note.

‘There. Have fun,’ she said, putting it in my hand. ‘… And be careful!’ she called after me.

As I picked up my overnight bag by the front door, I couldn’t resist a smile because, of course, I had no intention at all of going to the bowling alley; that was the kind of thing I did when I was 14. Now I was 16, and me and my friends had already figured out which pubs we could get served at.

Seconds later I’d left our red-brick terraced home, the blueish light from the television flickering behind our bay window as I hurried down the front path towards the bus stop.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket.

Just got on the bus. C u soon x

My friend Laura Woodcock. I was staying at hers tonight and we lived on the same bus route into town. She always texted me when she got on the bus so we could travel into town together.

The bus stop was a short walk from our house – a route I’d taken so many times in my life because this house was the only home I’d ever known. I’d first toddled this route when I was tiny, my hand in Mum’s, my older brothers Adam and Scott trailing alongside us, but these days I’d hurry along to it in my heels and whatever outfit I’d planned for my night out.

I felt the fresh crunch of the £10 note inside my palm and smiled to myself again. As the youngest, and the only girl in a family of two boys, I was used to getting my own way. For as far back as I could remember I’d always been a daddy’s girl. My dad worked long hours as a self-employed painter and decorator, but he always had time for me. He’d spoil me rotten too: whenever we went shopping and I snuck some chocolate into the trolley, Mum would always tell me to put it back on the shelf, but I only had to whinge to Dad and it would be mine.

‘Kevin!’ Mum would moan at him.

‘Oh come on, Colleen, it’s just a bar of chocolate.’

And I’d grin to myself.

My brothers have tormented me my entire life, as older brothers do, from practising their WWE moves on me when I was eight or nine, in my knee-high white socks and hairbands, to throwing my dolly out of the pram onto the floor just to tease me. But all I had to do was shout ‘Mum!’ and they’d get told off.

‘Leave your sister alone!’ Mum would shout through from the kitchen.

I’d quickly realised that being the little sister made me almost invincible. But it wasn’t always me that got the better of them. With all male cousins too, I’d often get left out of their games growing up. I’d run behind them, hoping they’d let me climb trees alongside them on sunny days when we’d have a picnic down at Toby Walk, but often they’d run too fast for my little legs to keep up. It had made me try harder, develop a tougher skin, be feisty when I needed to be. But that wasn’t a bad thing.

The bus rounded the corner as I noticed that the sky had deepened to a deep blue since I’d left the house, and illuminated by the lights inside the bus I saw Laura waving to me. I got on and took a seat next to her.

‘All right?’

She’d put her jeans and a strappy top on too but I wasn’t sure why either of us had dressed up. We didn’t really fancy a big night tonight.

‘I’m knackered,’ Laura yawned.

‘Me too,’ I said, catching her tiredness. ‘I can’t be bothered to drink tonight.’

‘Me neither,’ she said. ‘Let’s just pop to the pub for a couple of hours, though. It’s something to do.’

The last few weeks had been full of new starts for me. School had finished in the summer, and I’d got my GCSE results. They were OK, enough to get me on the beauty course at Lowestoft College. I hadn’t been a swot at school, I’d done enough to get by, but for me it was all about my social life. I’d made some great friends there – Jade, Remi, Paige, Becca, Madison and Jessie – while Laura was an old friend from middle school.

We were a pretty tight-knit group: we’d grown up together, hanging around in the local park each night after school, pooling our money and convincing strangers to buy us a bottle of vodka from the corner shop or a packet of Mayfair Superkings. We’d hang out there until 10 or 11 when we all had to be home, but on a Friday night – once my parents had gone out – I’d usually sneak back out to a friend’s house. There we’d spend the rest of the evening texting boys, or giggling about who’d been snogging who in the park while the boys practised their wheelies around us.

It was all so innocent then, but now life had changed, we were all growing up. Over the summer I’d lost my virginity to a boy. It wasn’t anything serious, just kids messing about. I’d met a couple of other girls too, Rachel and Amie, along with another girl, Lauren – who was doing the same beauty course at college as me. I had wanted to be a nurse at one point, but somehow the beauty course had seemed like an easier option. I loved it too, especially the anatomy and physiology, learning all about the skin, the muscles and bones, blood vessels and capillaries.

I was only a few weeks into the course so we were still covering the basics like how to cleanse, tone and moisturise – it wasn’t like I wasn’t used to doing that each night anyway, the same for painting nails, but it was interesting to learn about cuticles and how to treat them. I really felt different since leaving school, older, more grown up, so it seemed funny that just like any other 16-year-old girl I still borrowed money off my mum and fibbed to her about where I was going. Anyway, it was amazing what I could get out of a tenner – drinks in the pub, a takeaway, a packet of cigarettes and a taxi home. I was never quite sure how I managed it.

This would be a low-key night, though. Me and Laura weren’t looking for a big one. We got to the pub, went in and found Amie and our other friends. We actually ended up having a laugh: there was always some gossip to giggle over. I sank one vodka and coke after another, the ice clinking against my teeth as I finished each one, and I always left the bar with that little buzz just because I’d been served. I loved hearing who was snogging who, or who’d broken up that week. It was still like being at school, only better because we could buy our own booze now.

It got to about 11.30 and the atmosphere in the pub changed as people started to talk about moving on and collected their coats and bags to step out into the dark September night.

‘Shall we just go home?’ I asked Laura, swaying a little as I did. I hadn’t noticed just how the drink had gone to my head.

She nodded. But when I opened my purse to see how much I’d got for the taxi home, it was empty and there was nothing in Laura’s purse either.

‘How did that happen?’ I said.

We stared at each other.

I sighed and said, ‘We’ll just have to go around and ask anyone if they’ve got a pound to spare for a taxi. We could easily collect a fiver that way.’

So we split up, Laura going one way, me the other. I saw her out of the corner of my eye over on the other side of the pub, strangers shaking their heads and looking at us bemused as we went from one of them to another. Not that we cared, we were high on vodka and cokes, we didn’t mind if they thought we were two silly girls who’d spent our cab fare home.

Eventually, though, after so many refusals to help, I got bored. I wandered out the front doors of the pub and into the street where the chill in the air made my head spin with alcohol and reminded me I should have brought a jacket. I decided to warm myself up with a cigarette and fished into my handbag for one, and that was the exact moment that I first laid eyes on Anthony Riley. Not that I noticed him then; I wouldn’t have picked him out of a crowd, and of course I didn’t know his name either. There was a group of lads standing just a few feet away from me. I recognised them as mates of my brother Scott.

‘That’s Scott’s sister,’ I heard one or two of them say, and that’s when he looked up.

‘All right?’ he said, lighting his own cigarette beside me. ‘How you doing?’

I noticed him at that moment because his accent was like nothing from round where I lived: there was no Suffolk lilt, he didn’t drop his consonants in the same way as we did, didn’t stretch his vowels. He spoke with a Scottish accent, and, if nothing else, it piqued my interest.

‘I like your accent,’ I said, as I took another drag on my fag and with it lungs full of confidence.

He laughed. ‘Thanks,’ he said, nodding to me with a smile. ‘I’m Riley.’

‘I’m Adele,’ I said. ‘You’re not from round here.’

‘Well done,’ he grinned, as I giggled into my cigarette. ‘I’m from Glasgow, moved here when I was 15.’

I could see he was older than me by a few years. I’d put him at 19 because of the other lads he was with, the ones who were the same age as my brother.

‘Where you off to tonight?’ he asked. ‘Are you coming with us?’

‘Nah, we’re just going home now, but we’ve spent all our taxi money on vodka.’

He laughed again, his green eyes twinkling as he did. His hair was short at the sides, longer on top, spiky, like most of the guys wore it, and he had one tiny hoop earring in his left ear. He was dressed nicely, a blue and red checked shirt, jeans, shoes instead of trainers which meant he was going on to the club. He reminded me of someone famous too, someone from EastEnders, but I couldn’t think who at the time.

He took another drag on his cigarette and I watched the blue smoke curl up into the air around us, and as he did he reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it and pulled out a fiver, then handed it to me.

‘Here you go,’ he said. ‘That should get you home.’

‘Oh God, really?’ I said. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Aye,’ he said. ‘Can’t have you walking home, can we?’

‘Oh thanks so much!’

Laura appeared at my side then, just in time to see me fold the note up and put it into my pocket.

‘I can pay you back if you –’

He tutted and shook his head.

‘Don’t be silly,’ he said. ‘But you can take my number.’

I smiled then and felt something other than the cigarette go to my head and my heart quicken a little inside my chest.

‘OK,’ I said, pulling my phone out of my bag.

His mates looked over at us as I started punching his number in.

‘Come on, Trevor, we’re leaving now,’ one called.

He looked up briefly. ‘Hang on a sec,’ he called to them.

‘Trevor?’

‘Aye, that’s what they call me,’ he said with a smile as if I should know why. ‘From EastEnders? Trevor Morgan. Little Mo’s fella?’

‘Oh, the crazy Scottish guy!’ I said.

‘Yeah, original eh?’

‘Actually, you do look a bit like him.’

He laughed. ‘So are you going to take my number?’

‘Oh yeah,’ I said, quickly, glancing at his friends over his shoulder waiting to leave with him.

He finished giving me it and I saved it under Riley.

‘Thanks again for the fiver,’ I said.

‘Ach, no problem,’ he replied. ‘See you again.’

And then he was gone.

Wait, did he say ‘again’? Or was it ‘around’? And if he said ‘again’, was it like again? Or just something you say. I turned back to Laura. She stood there, eyes wide.

‘He was all right, wasn’t he?’

‘Yeah!’ I laughed, and then I remembered the £5 note in my back pocket that this Scottish knight in shining armour had given us. I whipped it out. ‘Ta dah!’

‘Come on, let’s get a taxi,’ Laura said.

We followed the lads down the road. They were on the other side, and I couldn’t resist watching Riley. They were larking about, bantering with each other, laughing, giving each other the odd playful push off the path, and there was a part of me that wished we were going into the club too. But soon enough we reached the taxi rank, and Laura had given the driver her address. She got in the car, and left the door open for me.

‘Well, come on then!’ she said.

And I tore my eyes away from that Scottish stranger, just in time to see him disappear into the nightclub. Did he say ‘again’, or had he said ‘around’? I already knew which one I preferred.

If only I had known …

When we got back to Laura’s parents, we went through the whole thing again.

‘So I was just standing there having a fag and then he came over …’

‘And then what happened?’ Laura said.

I told her everything, all the little details, how he looked, how he said it, how he smiled as he did.

‘Do you think it’s too soon to text him?’ I said. ‘I mean, I could just say thanks for the fiver.’

Laura checked the time on her phone. ‘It’s 12.30,’ she said.

‘You don’t think I’d look desperate?’

‘No, I think it’s OK.’

So I tried various different messages, some with questions, but that did seem too desperate, others with kisses – too forward – before finally settling on this:

Hope you had a good night, thanks for the fiver. Adele

Friendly, not too keen. And now I just had to wait. Laura and I sat up for a bit longer, both of us taking it in turns to stare at my phone. I picked it up, turned it over, waiting for it to bleep a reply into my hands, but nothing. Eventually we went to bed.

There wasn’t a reply the next day either, or the next.

‘Do you think he gave me the right number?’ I said to Amie and Lauren during lunch break at college on Monday.

‘Why wouldn’t he?’

‘So why hasn’t he replied?’

I felt like I wasn’t that bothered on Friday night, I kind of liked him, but I wasn’t that keen. But a weekend spent staring at my phone had left me with more questions than answers. I’d tried switching it off and on again, but texts from my other friends were still coming through.

‘Do you think I should text him again?’ I asked the girls.

‘No!’ they replied in unison.

And so I waited. And waited. And waited.

And just as I’d managed to distract myself on Tuesday, and while we learnt that there are 27 bones in the human hand, my phone beeped in class. Amie shot a look over in my direction and when I saw the name Riley I nodded back to her and felt heat rush to my cheeks.

Sorry, been on a bender all weekend. How are you?

And there it started, right there in my college classroom. I didn’t leave it days or even hours to reply to him, not now I had his attention. I wanted to keep up the momentum.

I texted him back, I can’t remember what exactly now, I must have made a joke about him being on a bender because he replied straight away, and then I replied back, and it went back and forth like that for days.

I sent the girls a group message on MSN Messenger.

We’re texting all the time!

I felt different even then, perhaps because I knew he was friends with my brother, perhaps it gave it that added element of excitement, that bit of rebellion, and mostly because this guy was new. He wasn’t like the other scruffy 16-year-old boys that we hung around with, who were only just getting to grips with shaving. Anthony was 19, he was a man, he didn’t hang around parks convincing people to buy him a bottle of booze, he was old enough to buy it himself. He didn’t live at home with his mum, he lived with his friend, Scott Tarrant, ‘Scotty’. OK, he lived with Scotty’s mum, but it wasn’t the same as being stuck at home with your parents. He had a job too – or at least he’d had one before: he told me during one of our text messages that he’d been made redundant from his scaffolding job. And he could drive, well, he couldn’t at the moment because he’d got a ban for speeding, but he was different, he was interesting, even a speeding ban only made him more exciting and dangerous.

And with that accent Anthony felt exotic compared to the lads around here, not just because of his age, but because it felt to me like he’d just appeared out of nowhere. In a town where I pretty much knew most people my age, or certainly knew of them, Anthony had never been anywhere on my radar before – or that of any of my friends – and I liked him for that reason if nothing else. I didn’t know where he’d appeared from, I just knew that I liked him, and over the days as we texted and bantered and he made me laugh, I liked him more. And then finally …

Fancy coming round tomorrow night?

OK.

I told the girls that he’d asked me round to Scotty’s place, and as Remi knew Scotty she decided to come too. Not in a double-date way, because this was going to be my date and Remi didn’t fancy Scotty, but just so I could get to know Anthony.

The next night I told Mum I was off out with Remi, and then I heard a beep outside the house.

‘Take care, Adele,’ Mum called after me as I slammed the front door shut behind me.

Scotty had arrived in his green Punto to pick me up, and there in the passenger seat beside him was Anthony.

‘All right?’ the boys said when I got in the back.

We went from mine to pick up Remi, and then when we got to Scotty’s house Jade texted saying she wanted to come over too.

‘We’ll go and get Jade,’ Scotty said, gesturing towards Remi. Did I see a look pass between him and Anthony?

The next moment Anthony and I were alone in the house and all at once the space in the living room between us felt like a mile.

‘So … er …’

‘Yeah,’ Anthony replied.

We’d been texting for days and yet suddenly neither of us knew what to say. We were glued inside an awkward silence, made worse by the fact that I realised in those moments just how much I fancied him, and seeing this soft side – this shy side – made him seem even more attractive.

And I think, after a while like that, we both just looked up and fell about laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. And that just made me like him more.

Anthony got me a vodka and coke and I gulped it down to take the edge off my nerves, and so by the time Scotty came back with Remi and Jade we were laughing and messing about. We put some music on, I remember Kings of Leon’s ‘Sex On Fire’ and feeling slightly drunk and very excited just to be in the same room with this older guy with his Scottish accent and his charm and those eyes.

‘Shall we watch a film?’ one of the boys suggested after a while, and they put something on – not that any of us really watched it as we sat there drinking and laughing across the sofas at each other. At some point, I felt Anthony slip his arm around my shoulders, and my skin prickled under his touch. And later, when the others had gone into the kitchen to get another round of drinks, I looked up at him, and he looked down at me, and suddenly I was lost inside his kiss and we broke off, laughing, just in time for the others to catch us.

And that was it, my first date with Anthony Riley, if you can call it a date because it all felt pretty casual right from the start.

Scotty wasn’t drinking so he offered to drop us girls home that night, and back in my bedroom, as I took my make-up off before bed, I got a text message from Anthony.

Really nice seeing you, we should do it again some time.

I texted Remi and Jade.

But why didn’t he suggest when?! xx

Adele!! Stop worrying! xxx

A few days later, Amie and I finished college and headed back to mine together. She’d been texting Scotty for the last few days, and we had a plan to see the boys.

We did our make-up together at my house and I packed an overnight bag.

‘I’m staying at Amie’s tonight,’ I told Mum. ‘Would you give us a lift?’

Amie lived just a short walk from the big Tesco’s in town, so Mum always dropped us there and did a bit of shopping while we headed down the alleyway that linked Amie’s road with the supermarket. There, Amie changed her clothes and packed an overnight bag.

‘I’m staying at Adele’s tonight,’ she told her mum. ‘Her mum’s waiting for us at Tesco’s.’

‘OK, girls,’ she said.

But of course, by the time we’d headed back through the alleyway, congratulating ourselves on how well our plan had worked, it wasn’t my mum who was waiting for us in her car, it was Scotty and Anthony in the green Punto.

‘All right girls!’ they said, grinning as they spotted our overnight bags.

The texts between me and Anthony had got cheekier and naughtier over the last few days and it was obvious we were going to have sex that night. We had a laugh that evening, sitting in Scotty’s living room, drinking and joking together. His mum came home while we were watching I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!

‘All right Scotty,’ she said, poking her head around the door. ‘I’m going to bed. Don’t make too much noise.’

‘OK, Mum,’ he said, and the night was ours.

We stayed up until the early hours, listening to music, and then finally it was time to go to bed. Amie went upstairs to Scotty’s room, while I followed Anthony up to the spare room where he was sleeping.

‘Sshh,’ I giggled as he took off my top, and kissed me. That was the first night we slept together, and it was everything I hoped it would be. But it was, after all, just sex. Anthony made that clear from the start, and I liked him so much that I wasn’t going to disagree. Like many girls, I guess, I thought that if we slept together long enough, if he got to know me, then it might change some day. For now, I was just happy that he was mine, even if it was just for a few hours a couple of times a week.

And that’s how it started. Perhaps you could call us friends with benefits, and it was fun, especially as Amie was hooking up with Scotty too. It was the four of us together. Amie and I would go off to college together in the morning, and then we’d take our homework round to the boys’ house and lie on the bed in Scotty’s bedroom as we pored through our books and drank and joked and the boys played Call of Duty on the Xbox. Then, when it was time for bed, me and Anthony would go to his room and Amie would stay with Scotty. And outside of our little foursome, nobody knew what was happening, and that gave everything an added frisson. Sometimes I’d be laying in bed with Anthony in the morning and my brother Scott would text or call him.

‘Why don’t you tell him you’re with his sister?’ I’d whisper, and he’d shake his head.

‘No way,’ he said. ‘It’s not like it’s anything serious. Why should anyone know?’

And I’d try to swallow down the disappointment that collected in my throat each time he said something like that. Instead I’d laugh and say ‘I know’ or anything else that might convince him that I wasn’t taking it seriously either.

But then once a week became twice a week, and twice a week became Anthony texting and asking if we could see each other alone. Sometimes it wasn’t even about the sex, we’d just cuddle up with a DVD. It was more like a relationship, and yet at the same time Anthony was always keen to let me know he was sleeping with other girls.

‘I got in such a mess at the weekend, I woke up next to this ginger girl on Sunday morning,’ he told me once, and I tried to laugh it off, or hit him playfully, or act like it didn’t matter, but deep down, it did. Deep down maybe I wondered why I wasn’t enough for him to stop seeing other girls, and it didn’t matter how much fun we had together, he always left me wanting more, because come the weekend, when he was out clubbing and I knew I’d never get in at 16, I had no idea what he was doing. And then again, he wasn’t shy to tell me who he’d got off with, or who he’d woken up with. But even if I didn’t know it then, it was eating away at me.

Yet, at the same time, he was getting closer to me. He started staying at his dad’s more, which was on my side of town so it was easier to see each other. I’d go in the house and straight upstairs, never saying hello to his dad or his stepmum, who was eight months pregnant at the time. We’d watch DVDs up in his room and when we were hungry he’d leave me there and go and get us a KFC. But we still were only friends with benefits.

We’d been like this for a couple of months when I started going to the same clubs as him. I’d be there with the girls, he’d be there with the lads – sometimes my brother among them – but we’d never speak. All of my friends knew what was going on, of course, but none of his did. Instead I’d watch from across the bar as he chatted to other girls in front of me.