Kitabı oku: «Just me», sayfa 5

Where were these thoughts coming from? Was I about to lose my mind?

"Just don't focus on negative thoughts, they may come true," I heard a voice say deep inside me.

°

Yes, dear inner voice, the chemistry between Chris and me was just not right and the feeling of having a crush, of being 'in love' was missing in all these years. That phase does not dependent on age and apparently takes only one year. Love develops over the years and requires a lot of work. You have to work hard on yourself and on your relationship.

If I could talk to Chris again after all these years, it would probably sound like this:

"Believe it or not, this thing about 'having a crush' was not your fault! That's why you don't have to be sorry either. It was my fault, or rather evolution's fault. How could it be any different – our subconscious is still strongly subject to our animalistic origin."

"I'm well-educated; I've graduated from high school, went to university and have a doctorate. There is nothing animalistic about me! "

"Really? Are you sure? Being an intelligent person, do you really believe that 100, 200, 2,000, 4,000 years of education are enough to make up for 160 million years of evolution?"

Basically, it is that simple. One doesn't even need to think a lot about it.

A woman, and I am not just talking about me, Rebecca, does not just fall in love with a nice, philosophical, smart, serious and responsible 'friend'!

These thoughts were running through my head while I was drifting in the water …

"Not the 160 million year old animal in us. This animal is only interested in fertility, strength, animalistic charisma – animal instincts, so to speak!"

Like I said, the whole world of emotions takes place so deep down in our subconscious that we don't want to or can't accept it. Even if we were aware of it, and I would actually try to play The Game (there is a book and film by the same name), it simply would not be possible for me – NOT FOR ME!

And the tricky thing about it is that the more serious the intentions of the partner are from the start, the more difficult it gets to play The Game.

I barely had any chance with men like Chris at the beginning because I had believed in the "one true love" – they just wanted me as a charming discussion partner. But when my Venus was finally awake, I enjoyed at least countless wonderful moments with Mark.

I thank destiny for all the experiences I was allowed to have.

°

This time, Mark was on vacation in Schwaz with his mother and one of his aunts. It was for the first time after two years that I saw him in a restaurant that had a dance floor. His aunt was an enthusiastic dancer and enjoyed a fun time with my brothers. They had always been passionate dancers like me. Jo instantly understood that this somewhat older but attractive woman was not only interested in dancing.

Mark immediately came to me and during the course of his stay we hooked up so passionately that his cock had a permanent erection. The nearly eighteen-year-old guy was incredibly horny, precocious and extremely masculine. He could hardly wait to slide his animal back in between my legs.

Even while dancing, he always had his hand in my pants and I was getting so wet that it was visible even in the dim light of the bar.

My brother made the same experience with his aunt. "Like aunt, like nephew," we thought. It doesn't always have to be the father-son relationship.

One of the promises that his mother had made to Mark because of his good performance at school was that she was even going to support us in every erotic game we were planning. She was mainly thinking about providing us with suitable accommodations and other amenities, despite the fact that Mark wasn't even eighteen and I wasn't even sixteen. Mark's mother knew about my housing situation and about the problems with my mother. Mark's father wasn't supposed to find out about his precociousness either. That's why Mark was allowed to hijack his mother's old VW beetle, which she willingly lent to him so that we could travel to the hilly vineyards around Vienna. We had even gotten instructions on where to go and the suggestion to visit a particularly cozy little spot where nobody would disturb us.

God, I wished with all my heart that I had such a tolerant and sophisticated mother myself. Then, between the grapevines, Mark pounced on me with the experience of a thirty-year-old Casanova. At any rate, that was my impression.

Even Mark was surprised by my secret experiences with guys, and loved me for being his erotic teacher and sex toy.

It was unbelievable. I am sure that the old VW's shock absorbers had never worked that hard on the road.

What followed was like paradise for me. Mark had either his tongue or his cock in my vagina and my dripping wet pussy couldn't get enough of my animal. We cuddled, bit and clawed at each other for hours, and at dinner time we had to explain the scratches on his body to his father by attributing them to the thorny bushes in which we had obviously gotten lost.

From now on Mark always volunteered to get the drinks from the basement of their Tyrolean vacation apartment. The apartment had five floors with no elevator. I had to accompany him, of course, and we barely got down there when he lifted up my miniskirt. Needless to say, I did not wear panties underneath, and immediately stuck my nicely shaped fanny towards his face.

It was so much fun for me to have a quickie between two meals.

Afterwards I found it particularly cool to sit down again at the beautifully set Sunday table. To put on my angel face next to his parents, uncles and aunts and pretend that my red cheeks were from running up and down the stairs and not a typical sign of our erotic encounter. At least my brothers' playmate always grinned when she saw my firmly erect nipples.

Whether it was sex in the woods, sex in the fields, or sex on a mountain hike, Mark and I couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Even during a trip to one of our national parks he kept one hand on my dripping pussy and I had mine in his baggy pants in the backseat of the old beetle. We even managed to chat normally with his parents in the front seat at the same time.

Even with his father who had absolutely no clue about any of this.

At this time I was able to move into a cheaper room in a monastery in Innsbruck since I was a student from a penniless family and thanks to the intervention of my mother and some priest-friends. Mark found it incredibly exciting and quite a turn-on to fuck in such a holy building. So he talked me into smuggling him into the chambers almost every day.

And who could turn down the wish of such a lascivious and horny man? We just had to wait for the right moment to work our way past numerous nuns, through venerable vaults, along walls steeped in history and down endlessly long corridors to reach my monastic room on the fifth floor.

Even for me, this excitement, combined with the obvious adrenalin rush, was a better foreplay than any tender words or gentle caresses.

After we had torn our clothes off, we noticed that I had left the contraceptives in the car. So I had to go all the way back and leave Mark alone in the monastery for about 15 minutes. The fact that he was the only man among all the nuns within these walls made him so horny that he had multiple orgasms when we desecrated the holy edifice minutes later. He had an extraordinary idea this afternoon.

Weeks later, I found myself with him again, this time in a confessional. As usual I was wearing a miniskirt with no panties underneath. After we had cleared with the priest that we wanted to confess our erotic sins together, and only if we could do it together, I sat down on Mark and his stiff member while we were making up lies – supposedly our sins – in front of the man of God. When we finally both came, we even put that on our list of sins, Mark grabbed my arm, yanked me out of the confessional, and we ran out of the church laughing and screaming. While he was zipping up his fly he discovered that one should wait until one's entire manhood is really back in the pants.

I know that the universe forgives everything, even the fact that I sent him back home months later because of an unnecessary argument.

He had wanted to secretly overhear a heated debate between my parents, and I probably felt like he was 'attacking' my pack this way. Even though I had every reason to reject my family, they were still my pack after all.

°

"The true reason for our relationship problems lies almost always in our instincts. In the past, when these instincts developed, we could not survive without the protection of our pack!"

"Oh, really? Are there some invisible volunteers swimming with me in the water?"

"Do not change the subject, Rebecca!" the little witch inside me announced. "In truth, we all live in a huge pack, a social network with plenty of people who feel the same and are looking for friends and want to start a family."

She was totally right, I was only getting bad feelings, as I lead my instincts to believe that I would be so lonely. When, in reality I was not. I have always allowed myself to feel comfortable, even as a girl in a pack of men, and not only because I skillfully rubbed their dicks.

"At the moment I certainly do not trick myself or my instincts! I am all alone in the wide sea! This is not an illusion, but the terrible, horrible truth!"

"Hello?! Little witch… I mean, you! Try harder! It's a bit uncomfortable here in the water!"

"And therefore, the emotional brain provides you with instincts," she teases on, "you may be proud. Human beings are the only creatures on this earth that are able to judge themselves, and you belong to that species."

"Super! Otherwise I probably wouldn't be able to recognize this shit – sorry – as such?"

"Right! Not a single animal can do that. So for the time being, it rates each situation as an attack from the outside."

"At the moment it probably has every reason to do so," I thought aloud, "apart from the waves there were packs of sharks that want to eat me! Let alone wind, water and flashes. This situation is definitely a misunderstanding! The whole thing is surely only an illusion that my little witch led me to believe because of boredom."

"Just try to live a positive life. This increases the likelihood that you're going to laugh a lot and have a spring between your legs," I heard her laughing.

"I want to swap roles immediately. Even witches can use some practice."

But I already knew that I could change that at any time, and that would make my life joyful and pleasurable.

"Haha! I hadn't been thinking about lust and desire for a long time! I'd fancy a hammock on a white sandy beach between the palm trees! Oh, and I want a dick to hold on, too. Wait, where is Chris in this reality?"

I was jinxed. The men I wanted were the ones I did not get, and the men that I got were the ones I did not want.

"In this life, Chris will probably not get to know the animal in me!"

°

"I would like to be a fish now, preferably a dolphin." How long had I been in the water by now? I had already finished my water supplies some time ago. I was beginning to feel thirstier and thirstier by the minute and my throat was parched. I looked into the dark green to blue-black water for a long time. "No, by all means, don't you even think about it!" Under no circumstances was I allowed to drink sea water. But in spite of the fact that I knew about the dangers here, I could hardly control myself. But still, I understood that the salt water was surely not the solution to my problems.

I knew that drinking seawater would mean my certain death. Before risking this, I would rather drink my own urine. My lips were chapped and crusted; the salt was burning like hell on the now raw meat. Was there any of my skin left or had it already completely dissolved in the salt water? Obviously, I had been able to stop the blood poisoning with the few penicillin tablets from the abandon ship bag – but what if it flared up again? Was my immune system still intact? Was it able to cope with all of these infections? I sank back again, luckily not deeper into the water, but into my thoughts.

°

Cut loose from my mother for once, I did not want to let anything or anyone keep me from going on my own journey of discovery. I also did not want to content myself with nothing but the descriptions and explanations of others. I wanted to stop leading this kind of second-hand-life once and for all, so to speak. Due to my zodiac sign (Sagittarius!), I've always been a very curious and creative person. Just think of the "pants-down"- and "rub-the-stick"-games! However, there was also a lot of suffering I had to deal with again and again. In our surroundings, there is always some clever person who tells us how we should behave, what we are allowed to think, and what opinion people have about us.

"Well, the sharks will certainly give me no feedback as to how much they liked the way I tasted!"

I was thinking about Chris again. One day I was lying in bed with the flu. I had a high fever and several other symptoms that came with it.

Chris had heard about this and skipped class in the morning in order to pay me a visit. My mother was just about to leave the house to go grocery shopping in town. Should she let the attractive guy get into my room? Should she refuse a well-meant visit? One could see the doubt in her face. Although I was actually Chris' piano teacher, he was too open-minded for my mother, and too experienced for her innocent and good daughter.

Were my inhibitions still too high to crack this maternal "deadbolt"?

"I wonder what would happen? Is it possible that my poor child will get raped?"

"That has already happened," yells the witch from behind my liver. In the end, one thought must have been the decisive factor: "Well, with this fever, nothing much will happen anyway." So she got ready to leave.

And actually, not much would have happened, at least not on my part.

Chris, however, wanted to seize the opportunity. We were completely alone in the house. And I was already lying in my bed. With the words "Brrr, it's cold in this room, and you are sooooo nice and warm", he let his jeans drop from the hips of his buff body. Why on earth didn't he have anything on underneath?

Seconds later he was under the covers and snuggling up to me. And a few moments later I had his stiff member in my hand.

"That even works when you have a fever," I thought. And in a flash he was without much ado inside me. Skillfully he took charge of all the movements . I just had to lie relaxed on my back. It did not take very long. Chris was too aroused. I was nervous and aroused too and probably too feverish at the same time.

Nevertheless, it was very nice. We smooched and cuddled until we heard a noise at the front door.

Chris was out of bed and back in his jeans in a breath. When my mother looked into the room (knocking still wasn't very common at that time), Chris had his hand on my forehead and said: "You are really in bad shape. It's unbelievable how hot you are, and you're soaked with sweat. Maybe you should take a shower and put some dry clothes on. And a little bit of sleep will also do you good."

And after he had put his hand on my forehead again, he added: "You're so weak, do you want me to help you to get into the shower?" He mischievously winked at me.

"No, no, I'm going to do that," my mother hastened to say. "Thank you for taking care of her and entertaining her while I was gone." She wasn't quite sure what to make of the boy's caring manner.

Chris left the house in a hurry.

I stayed in bed for a few days with a fever, but my love did not come to visit me a second time. Was this wonderful experience real or did I have a fever-induced delirium?

°

I was confused. Chris! A dream? We found each other over the months and years every once in a while. My unrequited love for him grew with each of these meetings, and grew deeper and deeper despite the many setbacks. I was hopelessly lost. Every time, after each one of these dates, I fell into a deep, black hole, and shut myself away more and more. I went to my room, locked myself in, and pulled the blanket over my head. The darkness had me under control for hours. I would often lie in our attic, all by myself, feeling a strange ache in my stomach and listening to the rain that kept drumming onto the roof. The rain in Tyrol could exacerbate my depressive feelings many times over.

That's why I died one imaginary death after the next, and pictured that Chris would completely turn away from me at the next opportunity. For sure, these were the worst hours of my life, that I spent totally distraught in my room. On the other hand we enjoyed a few nice weeks going for walks and talking with each other. I prepared myself in case it got serious. There were even declarations of love. The special evening was approaching. class=comment-copy>He invited me to join him for dinner at his apartment with candlelight and wine.

I was at his door at the appointed time. Desperately knocking and ringing the bell with the expectation. "Chris is probably going to surprise me by being naked?"

The surprise was a severe blow. Chris came out with Ragna.

"Ahh, I completely forgot about you!" he said and then he simply disappeared with the bitch.

Within seconds I hated every man in the world. And one of them had to play for it. I wanted sex. Now. It had to happen immediately. I ran off towards the train station. There was some place around there for frustrated or ugly men. At least that's what the girls in our village had heard. This information had even made its way to the Huber-family in Reutling. There were a lot of whores near the cinema. Now it was going to happen, one way or another! "I'll have the last laugh, at least over one male hooker!"

The men marveled at the Princess. I was really a very beautiful girl.

"What does she want here?" they must have wondered.

They fought over me. Each of them wanted the young witch. I even had to choose. "Red, blond, brown, whom will I tear off his pants?"

I already found myself with one of these hot males who were looking for cheap gratification in his car.

"And ... and ... well ... was that it?"

It was over very quickly and one big disappointment. My anger at men had not dissipated – on the contrary. My frustration had only increased.

"One more has to pay for it!"

Rumor has it that a totally crazy and unknown witch had been like a wild animal to her suitors on this day.

I had put all my anger in these frustrating minutes, and totally finished these men off. They had had the legitimate fear, that the devil in person was going to bite their dicks off, or even worse.

Afterwards I showered and took a bath for two hours. At some point all my anger made way for a feeling of depression.

"You have to learn to accept love again," my witch had told me many times, "it is important for all of us that we are able to love.

"If only it were that easy!"

"Only in a state of all-encompassing love – and I know this sounds very spiritual – can we keep our feeling of happiness permanently erected. To like everything is really a very difficult way to live, but it supports the positive thinking and makes it easier to embrace simple happiness."

"Get used to living this way of simple happiness more and more", were her words.

"You can certainly not imagine how happy I am here in the water. I am even singing it all the time: 'Don't worry, be happy'!!!"

"If you surround yourself with things that you love as much as possible, you may feel happy."

"An orgasm a day, keeps the water away?"

"Our soul benefits from good memories of our past."

For once, I was thinking of having sex with Mark. He was really a little devil, an erotic volcano!

"If I should love this storm, the waves and the flashes, you'll become untrustworthy for me, my dear witch!"

"Above all, you should love your beautiful body, as well as your soul!"

"My body? In this state?"

"Life will love you, if you begin to accept everything and embrace everything. You can even develop your own belief, represent and advocate it."

'Simple happiness' ... and ... 'An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away'! Have you had your orgasm today?"

"My little witch got to be kidding me…"

°

I had known for a long time that people especially had to learn to develop wisdom, goodness and love in us as well as together with each other. And that does not mean that you need to go on a spiritual trip and mortify yourself, as many people believe. To live on wisdom and love does not mean having to stop enjoying sex, fun, parties and a good glass of wine. For most people, this is theoretically very easy to understand, but most of them miss out on the practical implementation.

"Should I learn all this here in the water? Does this always have to happen under the harshest conditions? After a shock like this one, I need a really significant motive to carry out a decision of such a type on a permanent basis!"

Even back then, after my evening as an "amateur prostitute", I had made a profound decision that changed my life for the long haul.

°

Nevertheless, I have to thank Chris or fate or this episode in my life a lot. I decided not to let anybody make a fool of me or disobey my decisions and commands again.

Now listen up! I wanted to achieve a higher social status at first. I wanted education and I wanted to make something of my life. To make up for my lack of knowledge, and to improve my situation regarding my status, I began to study at an evening high school.

However, in case I had been hoping for moral support from my family (financial support was, of course, out of the question), I was bitterly disappointed again. Not only my family, but even my extended circle of friends told me:

"You'll never make it!"

That was very motivating, as you can imagine. But wasn't it the same story when I was born?

"I'll show them what I am capable of!" I told myself.

Since then I know that you can do anything you can possibly imagine and anything you can dream of. The four and a half years were extremely challenging, not because of my studies, but because I missed out on life once again.

°

I was indescribably thirsty. I imagined what it would feel like to lean out of the boat, put my head into the water, and let the whole ocean flow into me. Would that feel good? Could I just finish everything with a good feeling? But would I even like the taste of salt water? Could my already confused thoughts become even more confused? Was I about to become completely delirious and jeopardize my chances of being rescued in the process?

"What are these crazy thoughts supposed to mean? You know that salt water will do internal damage to your body and kill you within hours! "

Oh yeah, my dear witch!

Once again, morning was about to break. For the first time since my yacht, the Carpe Diem, had sunk, it looked as if I was about to feel sun on my skin. Wait, was that a good thing or was I about to get sunburned on top of everything else now? Well, if someone came looking for me in an aircraft, it would be easier to find me now that the sky was unclouded than when the storm was raging. New hope flared up inside me at this thought. The sea had become much calmer and there was no reason why they should not find me today. Maybe someone was about to arrive in the next few minutes or hours?

"Rebecca, do not fool yourself. The coast guard is not even looking for you. They will not come!"

°

It happened shortly before the final exams at evening school. I was already 29 years old and had spent some wonderful weeks with Mark, who had started to study medicine at a nearby city. He even took me to his dissection class at the university hospital. His intentions were obviously very serious.

Even before I met Mark I was absolutely convinced that I wanted to become a doctor as well. Therefore, I had also begun to study at evening school. I was supposed to take over my aunt's naturopathic practice after her retirement.

Mark's father was a well-known surgeon, and he liked me very much, too. Everything was perfect. Mark took the initiative and was already planning our camping vacation together in Croatia. He had no problem with my shyness and was enthusiastic about my sensitivity. Then I got an unexpected call from Chris, who was studying abroad.

"Hi, I'm back in the mountains, in Reutling! Can we meet for a glass of wine?"

I immediately forgot Mark. I'm really sorry, my dear friend.

"Yeeeees! My great love remembers me!!!" was all I had in mind.

The reader can probably see where this was going. The game lasted one week – Mark was gone and Chris, after a few days, too.

Nevertheless, I successfully passed my final exams and graduated from evening high school, even though my friends and my family had not believed in me. This was the first feeling of success I had ever experienced in my life. But I just couldn't enjoy it.

On the contrary I fell into a deep, black hole instead, and my soul was filled with depressed feelings once again. My witch was watching me for a few weeks before she sent me with my brother Jo on vacation to visit one of our aunts in Portugal. The whole trip was all about forgetting Chris!

°

Rene was on vacation with his family and one of his cousins at that time too, and it was the first time in his life that he saw the sea. Rene lived on a farm near Cuxhaven, he was 30 years old and despite his age, he had not yet seen much of the big wide world. While my dear brother Jo concentrated on the older cousin of Rene, I was attracted to the extremely cheerful personality of this nature boy. While we were romping around, I forgot about Chris at least for a short period of time. At the same time, Jo only wanted to get into a girl's pants as fast as possible. Our aunt was jealous of the young girl. This resulted in violent scenes of jealousy and fierce quarrels, and Jo and I ended up moving out of our shared villa and we had to rent an apartment.

Rene's mother was open-minded and a bit older, but considerably more tolerant than our stubborn aunt. A lot of people become much more open-minded about everything when they get older. That's probably the result of experience. So this mother was even happy that her son and her niece had made friends with such nice people from the Alps. A carefree time with the two cheerful tourists followed.

While I was laughing and joking around with Rene in a friendly manner, Jo had already gone to bed with the older cousin. "I must be doing something wrong," I thought, but I wasn't able to figure out what it was.

Nevertheless, the vacation turned out to be a very pleasant experience for me as well. I would not want to miss it. When I was back at home after our vacation, Chris had only eyes for a Barbie girl of a neighboring village again . Jo and I soon decided to visit Rene and his cousin in Hamburg, which is about 1,000 kilometers away from where we lived. On our way up there, I had my first and up to now only rear-end collision on the freeway.

"Well, that's a good start," we thought, and almost changed our minds about the trip.

The extremely nice policemen, however, who had gotten wind of our plans to visit a German family 'up there' in Hamburg, encouraged us to continue our trip.

"That shouldn't keep you from going on, especially if your holiday acquaintances are so nice. Just keep more distance… to the cars of course," one of the officers said and laughed. "And don't fuck, um, hit everything at the thought of your two pretty ones! " No sooner said than done. The damage was repaired with the help of friends in Frankfurt, and we were on the road again two days later. The thought of escaping the clutches of our mother, being one thousand kilometers away and meeting up with light-hearted friends increased our euphoria on an hourly basis.

Once we arrived in Hamburg, we were cordially welcomed by the families of our conquests. In spite of this, my vacation passed without any sexual experiences once again, even though it was pleasant enough. Despite his age, Rene was still too inexperienced and shy, and I just could not forget Chris.

I didn't want to accept my fate.

"Why do I always go for the wrong men?"

This time, however, Rene had promised me to visit me in the mountains as a reward for my loving, warm and considerate attitude towards our friendship. But it was only after his second visit that I was finally somewhat successful. He had come to the mountains for the third time to celebrate my birthday at the beginning of December.

Chris and some of his friends had gone to the Arlberg Deep-Powder Weeks. The group wanted to enjoy the excellent powder snow in Lech at the beginning of December.

Rene was up to something else. He was finally thinking about 'going deeper' in our relationship – and tasting the honey that was flowing down there! His virginity – yes, this was a fact – should be my birthday present.

Before this happened, he was lucky to survive my attempts to teach him to ski. Furthermore, my witch had to philosophize for hours beforehand to convince me eventually but finally to enjoy my life.

"Do you want to have fun with Rene, or weep for Chris forever? And if you just fuck all day – whatever! Do not postpone it anymore, do it right now!"